Original subtitles

As far as I'm concerned, as of today, the old Valley Forge is dead.

Now, we've done some renovations,

gotten ourselves a new logo, new swag, and a new attitude.

I'm not fucking wearing this.

Looks nice, huh?

-What do you mean? -The new sign.

The sign is new? Oh, it's…

-The name is different. New name. -No!

No, no!

Today is day one of our marketing blitz.

We need to spread the word far and wide

that not only is Valley Forge the best place to get your tires,

it's the only place.

We will murder hornet the competition, guaranteed.

We've revamped the website. Billboards are going up.

What's that? I'm way in the back.

This is going up on a billboard?

I'm not trying to complain, but I don't like it.

I look like Beetlejuice.

Right now, coupons are going out to every house in a ten-mile radius.

We're all in on this idea.

We're gonna make damn sure everyone knows we sell the best tires in America

at the lowest prices.

Oh wow. That was an incredible speech, Phil.

Dave, be quiet.

Now, next week is our grand reopening.

This radio ad is gonna play ten times a day, every day for a month.

Every word has been carefully crafted and curated,

so I don't want one syllable changed in the script.

I'll tell you what we should do for the reopening. It's Valley Forge.

We should make it Revolutionary War-themed.

Themes are usually tacky. What do you think, Will?

Uh, well…

Uh, I think you're dead-on, Phil.

Themes are so tacky.

Dave, why are you here?

This is an owners-only meeting.

But since you are here, I'm gonna need you to run this location today. Can you do it?

Wait, wait. You don't think I could do Will's job?

Quite frankly, I'm not sure how you do anything, Dave.

You're gonna be here alone for four hours,

so try not to fuck anything.

Yeah, Dave. Try not to fuck anything for once in your life!

Yeah, Dave. Disgusting!

Shane, whenever you read the radio ad,

I need you to read it loud.

Shouting. A lot.

Oh, definitely. I'll definitely do that.

-I can see you making that face. -What face?

The "I'm not gonna do what Phil just asked me to do" face.

-You can see that? -Yeah.

-Come on. Where's my sweet little boy? -Don't fucking do that.

Where's my sweet little shouty boy?

All right. I'll do it.

-Shane. -Shane!

-Shane! -No, no, no, no, no.

Not you.

-Dave, stay off our side. -I'm sorry.

So we'll have this set up for you in no time at all. Really.

Well, really, we're just trying to do something nice for our customers here.

Hey, welcome to Valley Forge. How can we help you?

Okay, um, anything we can do for you here?

My car's making a weird sound. I need you to fix it.

Okay. What's it sound like?

I just told you. Weird.

Weird. Uh, yeah, we can handle weird no problem, actually.

And while we look at that,

why don't you look at our incredible prices?

We're running a special.

We're selling tires at cost.

Just a… a great bargain.

Fix my car.

Absolutely.

I'll go hand this off to the mechanic now. Put it right at the top of the list.

Fuck these assholes. Am I right?

So I'm gonna go give the keys to the mechanic now,

and we'll talk later.

Cal, listen to me, buddy.

There's a threatening ethnic white out there.

His car's making a noise. I need you to drive it around,

tell me what it is, fix it, and get him the fuck out fast.

-I can't drive today. -Oh! What the fuck happened to you?

-He got stung by a hornet. -Are you allergic?

-I don't think so. -He's fine. He looks fine.

-That looks all right to you? -It was worse earlier.

It's not that bad. This is just a regular bee sting.

-Dude, it's wet. -No, that's something else.

No, it's not!

You know what? Fine, Kilah, you drive.

I don't give a fuck about your eye, is what I just remembered.

-You can drive. Right, Kilah? -Yes!

You drive, you sit in the passenger seat, listen, figure it out,

tell me what it is, fix the car, get that scary motherfucker out of here.

-You're gonna let Kilah drive? -Yes.

Between you, you got three eyes. You can figure it out. Here.

Get him gone.

-When's the last time you drove? -Today!

Greetings. Come on down to Valley Forge Auto grand reopening

next Saturday.

We have True Thread tires at cost.

That's $99 a piece, lowest prices around.

Your dad said he wanted you to scream the ad.

I'm not screaming the ad. We'll look like idiots.

That's what he said he wanted you to do, and he's paying for it, so…

Phil's a moron.

Hey, whenever you're ready.

Come on down to Valley Forge Auto grand reopening next Saturday.

-We have True Thread tires-- -Cut.

-That's as loud as I can scream. -I'm the one that has to answer for this.

He gave me explicit instructions, okay?

I'm gonna have to look him in the eye.

I can tell you don't care, but I'm trying to be a team player.

That's all I'm trying to do here, so…

Fuck!

I have to look him in the eye and tell him I can't control his son.

Fuck, I'm becoming Dave.

What we should be doing is trashing our competitors.

Like, "National Tire Center. They forgot about 9/11. We didn't. Disgusting."

No.

"National Tire Center. I heard they're owned by a private equity firm

that also dabbles in child trafficking."

Shane, just read the ad and scream like a banshee.

I'm not gonna scream like a banshee.

Fine. I'll come in there and scream the ad.

All right, come in. Get in here, big boy.

Do you hear anything?

Not if you keep talking.

No, I can't. I'm not hearing anything.

All right, let's get iced coffee.

Kilah, no. This guy's a psycho.

-Come on! It'll be quick. -What if you spill it in here?

I know how to drink an iced coffee.

How's that my fault? I said, "Look out, there's a lady and a stroller."

I just… You didn't say it. I didn't see her.

And you probably could have said it sooner.

Kilah, you almost killed a woman and her child.

The baby thought it was funny.

I think.

-Greetings! Come on down-- -No. Louder.

Greetings! Come on down to--

You're not yelling.

I am yelling. You didn't yell. I'm yelling.

You need to really yell. You gotta feel it.

Pretend somebody recorded over your lady golf porn.

I don't watch lady golf porn. It's the LPGA.

You definitely jack off to lady golf.

I'm not jacking off to it! They have the most relatable yardages…

Greetings! Come on down to Valley Forge Auto this Saturday--

-No, louder. -Shane, I'm gonna pass out!

If you pass out, we'll get you a juice box.

Greetings! Come on down to Valley Forge Auto this Saturday!

-We've got True Thread tires… -No way.

What?

That guy

had sex with that girl.

-No. -W… what's going on in there?

What's going on?

Did you have sex with Miss October?

Oh, yes.

Nah, you're lying, man.

No, I'm not lying. Can we just focus on the ad?

The Dogman is gonna love this guy.

Can you guys go live on the air right now?

Yeah. Hell yeah.

-Sure. Can we talk about the shop? -You can talk about whatever you want.

Oh fuck. It's my ex.

-The threesome guy? -Yeah, he sucks.

-Then don't pick it up. -What?

Don't put it on speakerphone.

Come pick up your fucking hamster.

Goddamn it. I told you I'd be over to get it. Get off my ass.

Well, my new girlfriend is allergic.

What's his name?

Who the fuck is that?

Don't worry about it. I'll be over later. Goodbye.

Be over later?

We gotta make a stop.

Kilah, no. We're not making any more stops.

There's fuckin' coffee everywhere. My eye's all fucked up.

The coffee's gone. This will take two seconds. We're almost there--

It's not gonna--

The swelling's getting in my ear canal. I can't hear shit.

Oh, great. Good thing we're listening for sounds here.

That was The Recess Boys, only on Dogman… Hoo-hoo! …and the Squirt.

Kevin, thank you again so much for coming in,

and congratulations again to your band, The Recess Boys,

on winning the Battle of the Bands.

-Well done. -Indeed!

Well done!

Okay, Squirt, so it came to our attention during the break

that one of the guys we have coming in here

may have slept with our very own, the stunning Miss October, Reagan.

No!

-One of you two slept with her? -What our producer is telling us!

Oh my God!

Which one was it? Foghorn Leghorn or Bugs?

Oh, uh, me.

Bugs. Will.

-Okay! Well, lucky man. -Yeah, very lucky!

How about you, big guy? You ever drag any ladies up to your bell tower?

What?

-"What?" -I've… I've never been on the radio.

I'm Shane.

Oh, good. I was starting to think he was one of the nonverbal ones.

He knows his name!

Shane gets a lot of ladies up in his bell tower.

-Sure. Okay. Okay, fine. -Okay. Yeah.

-Tell me again, where is it you guys work? -Uh, Valley Forge Automo… Uh…

Train by day, Valley Forge Automotive by night, all day.

The Squirt strikes again!

You're in the doghouse now, baby!

Woof, woof! The doghouse!

Dog pound! Yeah!

Tell me about Valley Forge Auto.

Yes, so Valley Forge Auto…

Hey!

Hey, that's my son.

…and we sell the cheapest tires.

Yeah?

So you work in an auto repair chain

and somehow manage to bone a bikini model?

This is not adding up.

Will had sex with her, and then he cried afterwards.

I didn't cry!

-I didn't cry afterwards. -Oh, he cried during.

No, listen. L… let's get back to what we were talking about earlier

with cheap tires 'cause… 'cause that's exciting.

-That's very exciting, to know a place-- -Oh no!

-We're gonna lose the Squirt. -Wake the Squirt up.

He's narcoleptic. Bore him, he goes out.

Will likes dirty talk during sex.

-Oh, here we go! We're back! -Now we're back in the game!

-Get back to work. -Why'd you say that to them?

It's the morning zoo. It's a zoo.

Here you go, bitch.

Who the fuck is that?

Don't worry about it.

-What's wrong with his eye? -He sneezed while eating my pussy.

-He's on the mend. -Is that supposed to make me jealous?

Nah, it just does.

Hey, I'm Cal.

No one is talking to you.

-Then why are you looking right at me? -You're just gonna roll up your window?

Sorry?

You will be!

Hey, how about a parting gift?

Just one second. It's gonna be great. You're gonna love it.

Just stay right there!

Got something great for you!

The fuck's going on with this guy?

Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!

Try rolling up your window now! Try it!

What the fuck was that?

That was a strike! A fastball right down the middle!

And you're out!

Kilah, get in the car!

Just so you know, I got stung by a hornet!

I wasn't eating her pussy!

Yeah, sure, man!

Can we get back together?

No!

Kilah, can we go?

Please?

-Why? 'Cause I broke a window? -No!

You're seriously dating this guy?

What's going on? Are you dating?

Oh, there's that sound.

Yeah, it's probably the belt tensioner.

So, Will, you're into dirty talk?

Okay, sometimes.

But, you know, dirty talk has a stigma, and--

Tell 'em the things you like to say to girls.

Absolutely not!

Ooh, nothing wrong with a little dirty talk.

That's what my mom always says.

-Mama Squirts is always right. -Yes, she is!

Your mom said that to you?

Uh, yeah, all the time!

How do you think I got my name, Lil' Squirt?

Oh my God, that's really terrible, man.

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, stop.

Uh, back to Miss Reagan, the lovely Miss October.

What kind of dirty talk are we talkin' about? Give me something, please.

-Are you a cuck? -Are we talking about sensuality, findom?

-Getting pegged? -Degradation?

Degradation. It's extreme degradation.

Uh, o… okay.

Sometimes it's degrading.

-Oh, ho, ho! -Oh! Whoa!

No, it's not… Okay?

I don't just do it in a vacuum.

I get a little chatty, I test the waters,

and then I see what lands.

You degraded our lovely Miss October, Reagan?

That sweet, sweet girl.

How could you degrade her?

She's a great girl. You know, the issue is that it was a long time ago,

so I don't recall exactly what was said, you know, or done.

You don't recall? Let's get her on the phone!

Oh my God, Lyle! Lyle, right now!

-Yes! -Get our Reagan on the phone right now.

-Wait! -No, Lyle, get her on.

No, Lyle, take it easy. Go take five. Go have a cigarette break or somethin'.

My goodness. I wanna talk about tires, 'cause that's--

Reagan!

Reagan! Reagan! Reagan!

Radio is nuts.

What the hell happened here?

-I just spilled coffee in the front seat. -Coffee?

I did hear that noise, by the way. That's gonna be an easy fix.

The fucking broken window isn't gonna be an easy fix, Cal!

It was a mistake. Relax.

A mistake, you fucking dunce? That's all you have to say?

Yes.

That guy's gonna fucking break my neck.

Lucky.

How the fuck is that lucky?

Workers' comp, hello?

I've been trying to get my ass kicked at work since I heard about it.

Do you want me to talk to him?

That would be awesome, actually, Cal. Yes, thank you.

No, I'm not doing that.

You'll be all right.

Yeah, you'll be fine.

Or he'll kill you.

Oh my God. I'll go with you, you baby.

Let's go.

So you leave the bikini car wash, then what happened?

We go back to my place. We start ripping each other's clothes off.

We're *******. We're *******.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Hey, Reagan, keep it clean, please.

Lyle, keep your finger on that dump button

while we have this dirty little girl on the line.

-Oh my. Will, you are a lucky, lucky man. -Lucky.

I was lucky, yeah.

And, uh, Reagan, if you don't mind me asking,

how was the sex?

Probably, like, top five.

-Oh! -What?

-I was not expecting that. -Nobody was. Will!

Out of how many?

-Uh… -And what made it so good?

I don't know. I just… I remember it, like, building really well.

-"Building"? -"I remember it building."

-Okay. Will, Will! -Explain.

Yes, I… I do

recall moving some furniture around…

-Get back to work, Matt. -Nice!

Wait. Is that Shane?

-It started off kind of… -What is he doing on the radio?

Well, you know,

I do a thing where there's a lot of

clitoral focus that, you know,

helps to sort of create the mountain that we… we climb together.

Listen, I learned recently

the different sides of the clitoris are sensitive for different women.

Dude.

Stop.

Well, it's true.

I don't know if it's true, but it sounds…

You looked this up.

-It's disgusting. -No, it's not disgusting.

You look online for tips?

Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't you?

If you're gonna look up different techniques to play football,

w… why wouldn't you look up different techniques for oral?

Who ate all the p***y?

The Squirt!

This is not what we're here to talk about, Shane. Shane. Shane!

-You're the clitoris doctor. -Do not call me that.

The clit doctor is in session.

Have you seen each other since?

No, my boyfriend's out of prison.

-What? -Wah-oh!

He'd kill me and probably Will, too, if he heard this.

What are you doing on air?

Hey, do me a favor. Turn it off.

-Shane! -Turn it off!

Jesus!

Hey, so, uh, car's almost ready.

Um…

There is a crack on the driver's side window, though,

and it's actually completely smashed out.

It was my fault.

Actually, it was my ex-boyfriend's fault.

He got mad at me and then threw a baseball through the window,

and then he went nuts

and threw all these iced coffees in the front seat.

Like… What the hell, you know?

Where does he live?

Tell him.

Well, I guess let that be a lesson to you.

Whether you're out there on a construction site or driving trucks

or even working on cars,

you still have a shot at banging a calendar model.

-Attaboy, Will! -Attaboy, Will.

Oh, and also, if any ladies out there are looking for a feeble man

who knows how to hit that spot,

the clitoris doctor is now accepting new patients.

Matt, it's not fucking funny.

-You're not proud of this? -I'm 10% proud.

All right, gentlemen. Thank you so much for coming in,

and we're gonna take a quick--

Actually, we have one more thing.

Uh, this Saturday,

at our West Chester location, we're having our grand reopening event,

and it is going to be Revolutionary War-themed.

Wait. Revolutionary War-themed?

Shane, I said that was a shitty id--

There's gonna be reenactors.

There's gonna be a band.

And there's gonna be some ladies and some booze.

Oh, okay. Now this guy's talking here.

-I wanna be at that. Gonna be a blast. -Should've led with that!

Who's the band playing?

I'm actually thinking about asking the guys that were just in here.

-That's a good choice. -Wow.

Well, you heard it here first.

Valley Forge Automotive Center, this Saturday, grand reopening.

Be there.

Get back to work. I don't pay you to listen to the radio.

Thank you.

-What the fuck am I doing with my life? -Squirt, you all right?

-I went to Penn. -Sorry about, like, your mom and all that.

-Don't. -No?

Is there a way to delete all this?

No. No, no, no. This was live.

If you guys wouldn't mind…

Forty, 350, 360, 370,

and 380.

Thank you very much.

Look at the ground.

Can I go now?

Thank you.

Hey, I told you we were gonna be buds.

-Get my car. -Right away, sir.

Hey, man. You serious about our band playing at your event on Saturday?

Yeah. What kind of music do you guys play?

-Rock and roll. -Oh!

Fuck!

Nice to meet you, doctor.

Chill. Chill. Be cool. Be cool.

It's actually really hard for me when I'm on the road

and have to use the toilet,

but it's called a Tushy.

It's… it's, like, the best.

Let me know if you--

Jeff, fuck off.

Oh!

These, uh, Valley Forge Auto guys… Still your account?

Unfortunately, yes.

Ryan, I'm your fucking boss now,

so I'm gonna need you to look me in the eye when I'm talking to you.

Yes, they're still my account.

Good. Now lose the fucking attitude.

They're selling our tires at cost.

Customers are taking their coupons over to TireWorld.com,

and Tire World is pissed.

So we… gotta shut this shit down.

With pleasure.

♪ It's a struggle every day ♪

♪ It can get ugly ♪

♪ But you get what you pray ♪

♪ I'm so hungry ♪

♪ Is it really real? ♪

♪ Is it really real? ♪

♪ Is it really real? ♪

♪ Is it really real? ♪

♪ Is it really real? ♪

♪ Is it really real? ♪