Original subtitles

SUCH GOOD PEOPLE

So, what you're in the mood for? How about Craftsman?

God, I love Craftsmans!

Oh, check this out.

It's got a name - Edendale. It was built in 1908.

- Edendale? - Could be historic.

This is Silver Lake...

I can see us raising a family here.

Growing old...

- Where the hell is this? - Relax I have it in my GPS.

Richard. Did you just tweeted, that we're lost?

Stop looking at your cell, and look for the address!

It should be on the left.

- You don't think... - Wow. Oh my God!

- You know what I think? - What?

I think we should crash that party.

You mean just valet the car and going to a party

- Thrown by people way cooler than us? - Yeah Yeah Yeah. Why not?

- My God. - Why not? It's fun.

- Oh my God! - Stop the car.

Is that..?

There's no way that my sister is going into our house!

Well, now we to crash up.

Now what?

Easy I'll charm us in with my good looks and charming personality

Do you got a plan B?

We could rub the Buddha's belly.

It's worth the try. We need all the good karma we can get.

Maybe will help us with the adoption.

Well, it was worth the try.

Yeah What's up? No, not busy...

In a perfect world this would be our party, not we crashing.

I just died and went to Escrow.

... We would exam all the reality itself

And then the self

It's only then you'll find the true meaning in life.

Did the Dalai Lama said that?

No, that was Lady Gaga.

To the bar.

Ready? Okay.

The old joke. A buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor.

- And asks... - "Make me one with everything."

Having the hot dog, he pays and says...

"Where is my change?"

To which the vendor replies...

"Change comes from within."

... Thank you.

- I could eat. Do you think there's... - Oh God, here they come.

- Oh my goodness. - Alex, Richard, what you are...

- How are you? - Wow!

What are you guys doing here?

Miss one of Jake and Chloe parties? Never. Plus there's free booze.

I didn't know that you knew them.

Oh, yeah, we're super tight. Jake and Chloe dear dear friends.

How about this house, huh? They loved this house, we always loved him.

It's kind of our dream house.

Honey, you okay? You look a little puffy.

- Well... - Alex...

We just find out you are going to be an uncle.

We're pregnant!

- What? - It's incredible!

- Wow. - That's incredible!

We're doing the parent thing. You have to come out to the house and celebrate.

- How is that new house? - That was a piece of shit.

But it's a long story.

Anyway this one she forget her pills one time

One time, that I knew,

And suddenly she's an available garden of human fertility.

- Oh, good one. - Which is great.

Unexpected, but great.

- Happy accident. - You're hurting my arm... - I'm sorry.

Deep in the heart of the Himalayas

Lays the land of the thunder dragon -

The kingdom of Bhutan.

While it may be tiny, and remote and impoverished,

Whithin Bhutan's modesty it's its majesty.

This will be our six trip to Bhutan.

Every time we ask ourselves: "How can we keep coming back?"

But every time, we see the faces of the children, we think:

"How can we not?"

It was on this our last trip to Bhutan that we first met little Kvinleya.

Cutie.

These orphans are suffering, but they would rather freeze

Than see you do without.

If they were not orphans, their parents would be so proud.

Good, good, good...

We are really making the difference.

But the most especial thing about little Kvinley

is his generosity.

However fate was not kind to the little Kvinleyu.

For not two weeks after this video was shot,

We received word,

That little Kvinleya bitten by a goat developed tetanus and died.

- It's too late for little Kvinleya . - Too late...

But there are so many others who need help.

All our help.

Help us care .

90 cents of every dollar goes directly to the orphans.

40... 41

Will this, in order to save the child ..

Please Give 2 @ Help_Us_Care # Orphans # Bhutan # GreenWithHouseEnvy

Help us care.

- Tashi Delek. Help take care of us. - Tashi Delek

I have no cash, sorry.

I can't talk right now

We're leaving for Bhutan in the morning

And our house sitter just checked into reharb.

Oh, we can house sitter for you.

Baby I thought you said you'd eat glass rather than house sitter again.

Housesitting could be fun.

I'd never take you two out of your beautiful new home.

Alright you know what that's it, you knew that tree was terminal when you sold us that house.

Did you ever watched a tree dies, Jake?

It's an ugly, violent ...

Not to mention expensive sight.

I can answer your questions anymore than you can question my answers.

I said that I will pay you back, and I will.

I don't think you understand. Our claim was denied.

Basically property insurance won't cover sudden oak deaths,

And that sucks!

You know what this reminds me of?

The ancient Bhutanese tale of two elephants,

Who get lost in the...

I'm sorry, are you talking about elephants right now?

They're the second most spiritual creature in the world.

- And you know what they want? - To be number one?

They want love.

Just like you. Just like me.

Jake, Cooper and I are so moved by all this spiritual depth,

Not to mention your work for all those hungry little foreign kids,

But we are talking about real state

So let's get real

We paid you a lot of money for the house, and I think,

That entitles us to a living room without a big fucking dead oak in it.

So either you figure out a way to pay, or we will figure out a way to take!

- Tashi Delek - Tashi Delek ...

- You were awesome. - I'm not an expert on human behavior for nothing.

- And we got $ 20 bucks. - Now, just hope our money doesn't leave the country.

Finding the right house sitter is an art that will take more than one day

To find a perfectly trustworthy loser.

Please this is LA. People like that are on every corner.

Jake.

You have one of my pots.

I'm sorry, Chloe is notorious for never returning anything.

Oh, no, no, it is one of my pieces.

I sell them in a few stores, I'm a potter.

So you're good with your hands?

- Caitlin, come! - Dog!

- Caitlin, come here! Come to me! - Oh, you're so sweet...

You're great with them.

I love dogs.

I better my sister and I own Branches of light.

- The Greyhound Rescue? - It's a great organization. Unfortunately.

Have you met my wife?

- Oh, hey. - There you are, Richard, Richard! This is Richard.

Guess what? We gonna house sit for Jake and Chloe.

- What? Alex, do not joke with me about that. - I'm not joking.

What ?! Oh my God!

How long we get to live here? I mean, stay here. I mean house sit?

Since when do you two house sit?

- You all know each other? - He's her brother. - Half-brother.

Well, they're going to Bhutan, so this is our chance in a small way to help all the orphans.

They'll mean so much to them to have the house sitted.

You are so handsome.

And thin.

- Are you talking about orphans or dogs? - Both

You have made us both incredibly happy.

We will honour this trust you have placed in us.

Tashi Delek

Don't do that...

Proud Supporter of @Help_Us_Care #Orphans # Bhutan #DoltForLittleKuenlay - Oh my God, I can't believe it!

I know. Even seeing Paige and Cooper can't ruin this.

And they itching.

They're lucky enough they have their own home,

And they have the nerve to call that piece of shit in front of us!

And what is worse, they're pregnant.

Well, baby, you can't really blame them for that.

No, of course not, but...

Once again Paige gets what Paige wants.

She doesn't gets everything that she wants. Don't forget, you have your father's ashes.

She's never getting that from me ever.

It's bad enough she went to college before me

Got married before me , and now they're having a baby before us!

I hate them.

Oh, dear. So do I.

- Oh god, Cooper... - Acid reflux.

Like a dynamite I ate.

Well, only Alex and Richard to screw us over by being nice.

They're not being nice, they're being gay.

How is that fabulously crap to them.

They didn't even know Jake, and Chloe.

What do you think they jwere just driving by and then decided to crash the party?

Who knows what those two are capable of.

- Oh... excuse me. - It's okay.

Good night, dad.

Bold art ancient workmanship.

Deep overhanging eaves...

Tell me more...

Douglas fir floors and stairscase ...

- Exposed beams and joists... - Yes ..!

- Batchelder tile - Oh, God...

Silver Lake, Craftsman ..!

I could get used to this.

Don't get too used to it.

Remember, we're just playing house.

Boooo

Ouch! Richard...

What...?

That wasn't there before...

- Come on! - What is in there?

Is that ..?

- Is this...? - Oh, my God.

It's money.

- How much do you think there is? - Let's find out.

Oh my god, Richard.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- You can take more? - It tickles!

Take it!

983 000 dollars.

Not even one million? Pathetic.

Richard, this is weird.

What kind of people have this amount of money just lying around?

Gangsters, drug dealers, the church...

Well, Chloe and Jake are in Bhutan helping out the orphans,

So I guess, they get the benefit of the doubt.

What are you doing?

They said to help ourselves to anything.

So tonight we're filthy rich.

Jesus... what happened here?

It's like Donald Trump threw up...

- Alex! Alex, honey!

- Your sister is here! - My half sister...

- Alex? - Oh ... Oh my God!

- We should... - Okay, okay.

Dear.

We have some... challenging news.

- Hi. Coffee? - Coffee!

There's been an accident. Jake and Chloe are dead.

- What ... - Oh, my God.

I know it's terrible.

Apparently, Bhutan has the thickest fog on the planet,

Real crazy shit,

And it was the worst rickshaw, they've ever seen.

They died in a rickshaw accident?

Being impalled by bamboo sticks is a horrible way to die.

So they're really not coming back. How aweful ..!

But you know, death unfortunately, is part of the journey.

Would you like a Xanax?

Sidney thought it would be best for us if we professionals and family

To take to you guys the news.

And decide what to do with the dogs.

- Let's put them in the rescue. - Alex.

Dad started the rescue for greyhounds, not Labradoodles.

So?

So greyhounds are abused race dogs,

And deserve a good home. Labradoodles are just dogs.

So, what are we supposed to do? Personally adopt them?

Dogs are kind of your thing.

- We'll take them. But just for the time being. - Alex!

What? We have no choice.

Oh my God, Richard, are you okay?

It's just so terrible...

- And what's gonna happen to the house? - It will be sold.

There's no heirs and they were orphans too, you know.

They were such good people.

Right. Good people.

With out of control debts, and unpaid taxes.

It's ten minutes enough for you to gather your shit?

- Oh, it of, of course... - I need fifteen.

Oh, I almost forgot. It's time for some "Vics".

Just take half a tablet you're driving.

Thanks so much for helping me look around.

I guess Jake was joking. There is no

Nest egg or priceless artifacts hidden anywhere.

Face it, Jake was hilarious.

His passing is a real loss.

So sweet of you locked up.

There is an old Buddhist expression:

"The sun rises only when it's ready."

And today you two are my sun.

And boy are we ready.

I don't know. You don't think,

Jake actually gave the whole payment to the orphans, do you?

- Of course, he did. - How can people be so mean?

Face it. Right now we are treating

Little orphan Kunle an extreme home makeover

Little orphan Kvinley, and he's dead.

I don't give a shit.

You know what I mean. Our money is gone!

Well at least is going to a good cause.

We are a good cause!

A giant oak tree split our living room in two,

The city's authorities had we evicted

And now we gonna we have to buy some other totally not cool,

In Pasadena.

I love you.

I love you too.

I'm sorry.

Jake and Chloe gave their lives to those orphans.

I know. And what do we do, to help the planet? Nothing.

We're not composing, we're not planting trees, we not even shopping local.

But we follow the three R - Reduce, re-use, recycle.

And I bring cloth bags to take the groceries.

Face it, Alex, we are users. We're treat the world like our bitch.

I can't stop thinking on those orphans. Who's gonna help them now?

- Well, that money would help them. - If they get it.

Now it's stuck in the vacuum cleaner.

And you know what that lawyer said - Jake and Chloe has debts, so...

So, when the money is found, and they will be found, it's gonna go to creditors.

- Or worse. - That is up to us.

We're going back to that house, to our house, and getting that money.

We have to. For the orphans.

- You are so turning me on right now... - I'm kinda turned on too.

- Richard. - What?

- You're tweeting? - No, I'm just checking some emails. - Right.

Operation Bhutanese Robin Hood #BlackIsTheNewBadass

Oh, it's time.

Alright. Let's do this.

- Put your hands together, and give me impulse. - Okay. - It's fun.

Okay.

Oh God, Alex, you're so heavy! You should really think about a diet!

Oh you're not really commenting on my weight right now Richard!

Okay, right you're as light as a feather, you're practically anorexic.

Jesus...

Richard...

Hold on... yeah...

Richard, all the doors and windows are locked.

Maybe we should just give up?

No! No, we are getting in there.

Oh, you really care about those kids.

Yes, yes, and I have to pee.

Here, hold this.

Oh what if an alarm goes off?

Well, If the alarm goes off I'll pee in the bushes. Back off, back off.

- No alarm. - No alarm.

Phew...

Shit, shit, shit, shit!

Don't panic.

Why? Because the police are on the way over here right this very second?

- Just calm down, Richard... - I can't go to jail,

I can't wear orange, I'm on winter!

- Let's just get the money quick. - No, wait, let's just turn the alarm off.

No, no, no, Jake gave us our own code,

- The alarm company will know it's us. - Okay, plan B let's just get the money quick.

What the hell, it was the plan A?

Okay, relax, let's just get the money.

Look, it's gone! What do we gonna do?

Those little babies are depending on us.

Relax, I put it back on the secret room.

- See? - Thank God!

Wait-wait, what about him?

Richard, we're not shopping. It is hideous.

- Dammit! - You're kidding me?

It was an accident, Richard!

- Wow! That was... - Richard, kiss me, kiss me. Kiss me.

- Okay,okay let's go. - Alex, I'm not some sex machine.

You can not just do that and stop.

- You want to explain this to the police? - Let's go.

Thank you these alarms are beyond annoying, the worst headache ever.

Oh, I have Vicodin.

You know what they say shrinks always have the best shit.

I can't, really. I'm on duty.

For later.

Vicodin for a headache. What you do for migraine?

We are friends of Jake and Chloe, and our lawyer who is severely disabled.

Detective Diane Kirschmann,

LAPD, robbery and homicide.

Dr. Paige Whitehead.

- And this is my husband, Dr. Cooper Whitehead. - Hello.

My condolences.

For your loss.

Could you just give me a second? So what we got?

Someone came through the window. With this.

Also found this in the bathroom, grained caffeinate mocha - still warm.

Okay, good work. I want the Brigade forensic team here ASAP.

You got it.

Excuse me, but how do you already know that anything has been taken?

Just a hunch, but I'm pretty sure...

That the Buddha doen't shit cash.

Oh my God... I can't remember the last time I had so much fun.

Aside from the alarm, money flying everywhere,

Almost getting caught we're like our own private gay mafia.

Helping children really does turns you on, huh?

Yeah. That and fear of prison.

Prison... it's exciting...

What kind of thief leaves behind the money?

The same kind of thief that breaks in using a rock

Sets up the alarm, and then leaves Starbucks on the crime scene.

- A homeless person? - I'm thinking someone not that together.

You're not think Alex and Richard, are you?

- This breaking reeks of them! - Well we should tell the detective.

Tell her what? We've got no evidence.

Besides, we do that, all the cash goes straigth to Jake and Chloe state,

Or worse, the orphans.

Okay, we've got to figure this out. Be smarter than them.

Can we do that?

Of course, it's Richard and Alex we're talking about.

It's like dealing with children.

These people tastes are only in their mouths...

RICHARD NEARLY

Money! Money! Money! # MillionLittleProblems

Richard.

Oh! .. Alex, never sneak up on me when I'm covering our take.

Come here, sit down.

Look at all this. Do you know what this is?

Grand theft larceny.

Funny. No, no!

This is homes, cars, vacations, clothes.

This is our ticket to fabulous.

And how fabulous is a clean conscience?

- You're right. - I am.

Here I am fantasizing about a man condition "Charlie's Angels" Angels's in chains lunch box...

Children are hungry.

Have me that vacuum back.

What are we doing?

We're doing the right thing and right now.

Bhutan has as embassy on Wilshire #WhoKnew

Hi. We'd like to talk to someone about the children of Bhutan.

Are you two alright?

You both look... queer.

One moment, please. Tashi Delek.

Special Assistant. [Whispers into the phone in Tibetan]

Tashi Delek , glad to meet.

I'm Rigzang Vangchak, special assistant to the Ambassador of the Kingdom of Bhutan.

Oh, cool. I'm Richard Nearly, and this is my husband, Alex Reardon.

Hey.

We're here to offer a very,

Very large donation to the orphans of your country.

That's rather bizarre, don't you think?

After offering them house keeping skills might give them a leg up?

Do you fancy a boy or a girl? I'll order you a girl.

- Oh, we don't wanna a girl. - Oh, you fancy a boy.

We don't fancy a boy or a girl or child.

Although we love children.

We were house sitting for The Jones, Jake and Chloe.

You must know them, right? Form Help Us Care.org?

They died recently in a big rickshaw accident.

I am the special assistant to the Ambassador of the Kingdom of Bhutan.

- I do not monitor rickshaws accidents. - Okay, alright... chill...

Sorry.

We found a lot of money in their house and we thought that maybe you could...

- Or the Embassy. - Yeah the Embassy could

Take it and give it to the children to Bhutan.

So you don't fancy an orphan? You want to give me money?

I have been offered money by these gay Americans.

- Have you touched it? - I have not touched it, please note.

You have not touched it, noted.

No, no, no, the money is not for you. It's for the orphans.

- Do we know of any orphans? - We do not know any orphans.

I do not want your money. We do not want your money.

In fact, I enthusiastically refuse your bribe. Please note.

- Noted. - No, no, no, you don't understand.

No, that after last year this embassy no longer accepts cash donations.

This has nothing to do with what happened last year.

- He borrowed the money, he not steal it! -... not steal it!

We don't think he did anything criminal...

- Our ambassador is not a criminal! - Our ambassador is not a criminal!

Please, you must leave now.

We must leave now. Tashi Delek .

- This was not a good idea, please not - Duly noted.

Well, I guess we need to find a new charity now, right?

Yes, but let's get rid of the money first.

This amount of cash seems to set people off.

Oh, you know, Apple store is not far from here, and I really want a new 52-inch iMac.

- Richard! - I'm kidding. They don't make on that thing.

hey check it. That's a worthy well charity.

Yeah... Yeah! Dolphins are smart, they're like chimpanzees with fins.

They're practically children.

They could even be orphans.

Two, please.

- Hi. - Hi.

Welcome to "Porpoise Purpose" Part of the verge sensation.

We would like to make a very large donation to the dolphins.

Porpoises. They are the people of the sea.

I'd be happy to take your check or credit card donation.

A pen? - Sure.

For "Porpoise Purpose"...

- Checks take a long time, don't they? -They do, they do.

Thank you. And would you like.. Sweet Jesus on a waffle cone!

Are you shitting me?

This is... this is the single largest donation, that we've ever received.

Oh my god... thank you, thank you!

Oh, my god, thank you so much, you're such good people.

- Anytime. - Thank you!

Oh, wait, wait. Mr. Nearli and Reardon, you can not leave. Not yet.

Wait right here, please. Just wait. One second.

Bounty angels are in the lobby. I repeat, Bount angels are in the lobby.

Mr. Nearly, Mr. Reardon. Stewart Hendron, Executive Director of the "Porpoise Purpose"

You are gonna help to raise the profile of the porpoise. An often overlooked situation.

That's great, we've always loved dolphins.

Porpoises. They're the people of the sea.

If you don't mind me asking, are you familiar with them?

Of course. Just cause we're gay, doesn't mean we don't like fish.

It's good to know, but they're mammals.

Yes, and while they're shorter than the dolphin, the porpoise it's more popular, stupid cousin.

Now, let me introduce you to somebody.

This is Pete the porpoise.

He's not just our logo, he's a real little guy.

We keep he in the pool at the Sherman Mall gallery.

- You do...? - You bet.

And your money is gonna make all the difference in his life and other porpoises lives.

- Alright, come this way. Come on. - Oh, no...

- Yes. - Oh no.

- Go you two go right in front of the sign. - You gonna love this.

You will love it. Okay, smile, like a porpoise.

Right, say... [beluga sounds]

We did the right thing.

- Oh, yeah great. We helped the porpoise. - We did!

Good for you, Alex. Good for Pete. Good for all the goddamn people of the sea.

It is good for them.

Why don't you use the card? We could have at least got it in miles.

Open House

State has put this house in auction, which means it's not only happening under the radar -

They will consider any offer no matter how shameless.

You hear that? It's practically a personal invitation.

- Well, well, well, look who's here. - Hi.

Welcome...

We're just scooping up the real estate...

Interesting. Interestingly, so are we.

But you already have a home.

From which the city asked us to vacate.

Oh, no. Is this because of the sods?

The city treats trees like they're an animated objects.

- I am sorry, they were. - So you're just gonna... buy another house?

Well, we can't keep living in the Four Seasons forever.

But how can you afford this?

How can anyone afford anything?

I mean is not like you two recently came into a lot of money, did you?

Yeah, did you?

We're not gonna buy it, it's out of our range.

- It is pricey. - No it isn't. - It's not pricey?

No, it isn't out of our range...

- Richard, can I talk to you? - Yeah.

Excuse me.

But Alex, this is Edendale. Our house!

And we could be buying it right now, but instead what do we do?

We set up a pension plan for a porpoise.

- And that's a beautiful thing. - Yes, yes, it is a beautiful thing

But that money belonged to the orphans of Bhutan, who, let's be honest, we screwed.

So you want to get the money back and give it to the orphans of Bhutan?

Yeah.

If I am lying, may God strike me down this instant.

You don't care how perfect this place is.

Well, actually I do, but that money which is gone, isn't ours.

- What if we can get it back? - We can't.

If we could we could use the money to buy the house,

And we could take a second and pay back the orphans.

And then they get their money, we get Edendale,

Everyone is happy.

You think that I am enjoying this?

Losing out to Paige again? It's humiliating.

I know, I know, it is humiliating.

I guess Paige and Cooper, and their unborn demon spawn will be very happy here.

This is a "turnkey" sale fully furnished,

It's pefect for anyone with no personal sense of taste and very little money.

Alex, sweetie.

We should tell you, with what is happening to our house,

We gonna have to sell Silverlake.

What? You can't just do that, I own half of it.

No, actually, I can.

When dad left us the rescue, he gave me 51%.

- What about the greyhounds? - We'll replace them with the "Brighter Day".

No, you can't! That place does medical research.

Medical research? Where did these rumors come from?

They'll all be fine. Those dogs receive all the free make up

And the lack of surgery every dog could ever want???

And that's Paige. Buying real state with the blood of abused dogs.

You don't think they gonna put the greyhounds in that place, do you?

Oh, if only we had the room.

- Well... we could... - What?

No. No, forget it.

Okay. Forget what?

It's, just...

- Alright, let's do it. - You wanna buy our house?

You wanna buy Edendale?

Let's go back to the "Porpoise purpose" and get our money back.

- Hi... - Oh, good timing you two. Look.

And, yeah, wow... look at that...

Listen, I wonder if we could

Speak to that nice gentleman, we met yesterday.

I'm sorry, Mr. Hendronom isn't available.

Then get him available, cause we need to talk.

Alex...

We're kind of having a porpoise emergency.

Oh, I see. It's a porpoise emergency.

I have a couple of generous angels in th lobby, code red.

I don't know, they're not leaving. Okay. He'll be right out.

- Okay. - Thanks.

Now, what is so urgent?

Well, I'm not sure if you know this...

Well, of course, you don't know, how could you possibly know this -

But Alex owns a greyhounds

Rescue, and adoption organization

No, I didn't. What's it called?

Well, the name is not important, but I just found out,

That my sister, whom owns only one percent more than I do,

- Is going to close it. - Oh, I'm so sorry.

Listen, after yesterday we think of you as family,

So if there's anything we can do, just ask.

Well, we were hoping you would say that, because...

- Because... - We wanna our money back.

I'm sorry, I just thought I heard, you say you wanted your money back.

- Because, that's what I said. - But that's impossible.

- But we changed our minds. - This isn't Urban Outfitters,

You just can't ask for a refund.

But you just said we were family.

Oh, we are. Just think of this as... tough love.

Well, that depends how much are we talking about?

Not much...

You see, the legal issue is, what is the status of the money as a gift.

Does it pass automatically into the hands of the person accepting it?

Or does the giver has the option of rescinding the gift?

I mean, this is not necessarily fraud.

You didn't go to the "Porpoise Purpose" with the sole intention of defrauding them, did you?

- No. - Of course not.

Not now, Bethany.

She has a very popular website. I'm sorry, where were we?

Oh. Yes you two just changed your mind, that's right?

Well, there's certainly no law against that.

- So what should we do? - Go ahead and stop the payment.

And if I were you I'd do sooner than later.

- Next step. - We are ready?

- I think so. - Perfect.

Okay, now takes these papers, please.

- Oh, geez. - I didn't signed yet.

You guys will be so happy.

Okay, so...

They've count both you and another couple.

Another couple? It's interesting.

You don't by chance, know f it's Paige and Cooper Whitehead, do you?

Ethicly I can't reveal that,

But since you guessed, you're not exactly wrong.

Fuckers! They're family.

I think I can clear this whole thing up right away.

We are planning on using Edendale for the greyhound rescue.

It's a very noble anspiration.

- What? It is. - So, you agree about backing out and buying it?

Let's see, how can I put this... No.

You don't seriously expect us,

To keep four greyhounds and three Labradoodle in our apartment, do you?

I'm pregnant. With twins.

- Twins? - Very you of you.

If you back out, we'll be glad to put you up in the guest house.

Well I'm sorry, but we're lousy guests house, lousy guests.

- I want daddy. The urn. - No. No way.

- Give me that, and we'll back out - Paige...

It's bad enough you got all his attention his entire life,

I am not parting with his ashes!

Then I guess you and your dogs will have to continue living here in squalor.

I got to take this.

Hello? Yes.

Are you serious?

It's great news. That's fantastic. Thank you.

You're kidding!

You guys are not gonna believe this...

But it turns out you didn't qualify for financial.

What? There must be some mistake.

You two can't afford Edendale!

No, evidently, it's you who can not afford it!

- We got our house! - We got the house!

- We got our house! - We got Edendale!

Hold on...

- We very sorry. - Oh God...

- Oh, great, yeah, right in here. - This is all kitchen stuff.

Oh really? You can put it... just back there, right back there.

- Thanks very much. - Hey guys.

Hello.

I've got a package I think you should look at.

Okay.

- Thank you. - This yours?

Yes, I'll take it, thank you.

It's from Bhutan. It might be from Jake and Chloe.

- Richard. - What? They don't have heirs.

- Oh my God... - You've got to be kidding.

I kinda like it. Looks like Paige.

EDENDALE and Greyhound Rescue

Thank you both for putting us up.

This is the most glamorous 8x8' foot space,

- We've ever lived on. - I know it's a little small, but...

No, we love it. We love it

Plus, we have views of your beautiful house,

Which we didn't qualify for.

Paige, I've been thinking...

It's only fair you should have dad.

Oh... sweetie... I love you.

You know what? Daddy is weather safe,

Why don't we leave him out here in the garden?

And that way we can both enjoy it.

- Really? - Yes.

Paige, I know, that we're only half siblings but I'm really...

Oh, that is my 3:30.

Why don't we continue this Hallmark moment later, okay?

- Thank you so much. Come on in. - Yes...

Here we go... Bye!

Where do you want to live, Dad?

Where can I put you?

That's good.

To our very own home. No, to our very own castle.

And living happily ever after.

Detective Diane Kirschmann, LAPD.

I'm looking into the death of Jake and Chloe Jones.

Thank you.

You two were house sitting for them at the time of the murder, right?

-Yeah, but they weren't murdered. - Really?

So you think being run over several times

By the same vehicle - is an accident?

By vehicle? Don't you mean rickshaw? Because we heard rickshaw.

We have heard a rickshaw.

No, by vehicle I mean Chevrolet Tahoe.

A SUV? - Jesus...

Do you know who did it?

That's what I was just about to ask you.

Well, we loved Jake and Chloe.

We were very good friends.

How long did you know them?

We just met them... once.

But we hit it off right away

And are still very, very sad.

Would you like some champagne?

Alright, thank you, godbye.

Jesus-H-fuck, they were killed for that money!

And do the killers now have the money? No, they don't, we do!

We don't know that, that money could very well have belong to the orphans.

Then why didn't Jake and Chloe bring it with them to Bhutan?

Maybe it belonged to other orphans!

- Other Bhutanese orphans?! - Look, we're said,

We were get back the money, and I still think we should.

- Yes, I know, I know. - What are you implying?

- Now, you don't want to... - I'm just saying,

That we should give this a good think.

There is no rush on this, isn't like the orphans are reporting us to a credit bureau.

We don't know why they were killed, and honestly, it makes no difference.

It makes no difference?!

They were run over by a rickshaw - it's a bizarre twist of fate,

Being run over by a SUV,

Means someone wanted to turn you into a waffle!

- How long have you been here? - Well enough.

Listen, we had to! You were gonna send those dogs off to dog Auschwitz!

So you stole orphan's money

And used it to buy rescue dogs, a fabulous house in Silver Lake?

- Oh, I wouldn't describe it like that. - Well how would you describe?

What I would say is that we temporarily- - We don't have to explain anything to you.

- No. If you don't talk to us,

Well you can talk to the police.

- You wouldn't dare... - Oh, yes, they would.

Of course we wouldn't it! We're family.

But what exactly were you planing on doing when the killer showed up?

Do you think they gonna come here?

Who knows what they will do? They're killers.

Well, we were planning om cashing out a second mortgage.

Look, I don't have an agenda here,

But I think it's a good idea.

Because if and when these killers show up...

And they probably will. Probably.

- They gonna want their money. - In cash.

Taking out a 2nd for the # OrphansOfBhutan #SadTromboneSound

Richard...

Oh, my God. Oh my God, the dogs.

Richard!

"Bring 983,000 to the Hyperion parking lot "

Tuesday at noon, no police, or else..."

This doesn't make any sense it's the drawing of a dead camel.

Wait... thatt's not a camel, that's a Labradoodle.

Really? It's pathetic.

Oh, my God, it's from the killers! It has to be!

- We don't know that. - Who else could it be?

We didn't tell Cooper and Paige the exact amount.

Oh, so we're not being blackmailed by family, it's a plus.

Yeah, it really warms the heart.

Oh my god, I hope they're okay!

It's so awful, it's so unfair... I'm gonna call the police.

No, wait! Alex, no, you can't. It says no police.

I don't care! They stolen my babies!

We're not playing by their rules!

Detective Kirschmann, Homicide.

Hi, it's Alex Reardon, there's a... There's been a kidnapping.

Oh god, they took our babies...

Oh Jesus... Okay, just calm down.

We understand, tell me everything.

We... Richard and I, we came home

And we found this ransom note, by whatever sick fucker did this...

Okay, don't you worry, I live for this shit.

Now just tell me the names and ages of each of the victims.

Yeah, Haley is six, Caitlin is five and Nick... Nick is two.

Oh my God...

Ok, I need you to come down to the station and bring me some pictures.

And can you send me one ASAP?

Yes.

- They're adorable. - This are our babies.

- Thank you. Thank you so much. - Okay.

They gonna need or do anything?

They better! Otherwise, for which we pay taxes?

... We bringing you live coverage of this truly awful local story in Silver Lake.

The LAPD has just announced "amber alert"

For these three missing children.

Oh, Jesus, what the hell is this?

Oh my God, there's an amber alert for Richard's sister kids?

... Just a toddler who misses his daddies.

No, there's an amber alert for Alex and Richard's dogs.

- I didn't know they could do that. - You can't...

Anyone with information,

is urged to please call the LAPD amber alert.

Hot line. Do it for the children

The mind of the kidnapper is a big and empty basement.

These people frequently suffer from addiction to drugs, alcohol and Facebook.

- Hello. - Hi, have you heard from the kidnappers?

- Tell us about the victims. ?

- What they were wearing? - I got this at Claire's Boutique.

All we can say is that they're all very well behaved. All of them

They're well trained, actually.

Except for with the postman they hump his leg like a horny little hobbits.

It's the curry that drives they crazy.

Oh, and I really shouldn't be saying this but Nick sort of has a crotch sniffing problem.

- We don't know where he got that... - Hey, it's indecent.

Wait-wait, I have a question for you!

We really appreciate everything, but isn't this a bit extreme?

Extreme? What could be more important?

- Do you have some more pictures? - Alex does.

Okay, good and I want to assure you,

That we are doing everything possible to find your children.

Wait, did you say "children"?

Yes, of course.

Do you have the pictures?

Yes, Alex, show them to her. Show them to her now.

- Richard, stop it. - Is there a problem?

We really appreciate everything that you've done

But I think we just wanna go home...

Wait just a goddamn minute.

There was a kidnapping, right?

Yes. There was a kidnapping, that's true. But...

And I'm looking at these pictures of dogs...

- They're Labradoodles, actually. - They are dogs!

Why am I looking at pictures of dogs with guns pointed at their snouts?

- Because they were kidnapped. - They're my babies.

Do you mean that I put an Amber alert out

On Labra-fucking-doodles?!

I never said they were my actual children.

It's just stupid, right..?

- You sent me pictures of children. - No, I didn't.

Oh, yes you did.

Oh... Geez...

Damn, you asked for a picture, that was the first tone that i've found.

This picture is not of the children clearly, it's of the dogs.

Detective, we are very sorry about this. Aren't we, Alex?

This is not my mistake.

Yes, we're sorry.

You're sorry?

Are you fucking kidding me?!

Our dogs were kidnapped.

And we still do need your help getting them back.

Yeah, yeah... dog-napping that is, that's a crime,

Isn't that a crime? That's a crime.

It's a horrible crime.

I'm glad you came to us. Kidnappings are our specialty.

I thought you were grief counselor.

We are, but if it doesn't work out, we gonna help you through the grief process.

What's that supposed to mean?

I was speaking statistically, and you're not a statistic. Not yet.

Look, I'm just going to give to you, if you pardon the expression, straight

In these situations, most experts agree just pay the ransom.

If we do that, then the kidnappers win.

If you don't do it, you lose.

Just got LAPD'd on # WhatABitch

Oh no, they did not...

Alright, there they are.

So drop the money off at the appointed location and then back off, you got it?

Yeah.

Richard. Bring them home.

I'll go, baby. I will.

Oh, dear God, can you just do this already?

- He's not backing off, why isn't he backing off? - Jesus...

Hey?

Back off, please, you have to back off, okay?

- All right, I'm right away. - Come on, let's go. Back off.

You back off.

Jesus christ...

Oh God, this is some guy in a cheap tracksuit.

Oh, my babies, my dogs!

They are scared. No, no, no...

- My kids... - Wait, where, what are you doing...

Come here, come here!

- What is happening? - You're so sweet...

- What is he doing? - He's stealing back our money!

- Look what you did! - A dirty trick!

Are you kidding?

Daddy's a hero!

Oh, shit! .. I think it's vomit.

Oh Jesus christ...

I'm sorry, senora, but that man was crazy!

Yes, that crazy man fucked us royally.

Okay. Here you go, thank you.

Not at all, you idiot.

That is the last time I hire an accomplice through the Internet.

Is it just me, or we never going to get our money back?

Oh, we'll get it back, we just need to change our tactics

Oh, my God.

You're not suggesting to put a hit out on them?

What? No. He's my half-brother.

Oh no, of course not.

No, we'll gonna do the decent thing.

We'll send them into jail.

This must be so very hard for you.

Yes. It is. It's very, very difficult.

It's about her dear brother, Alex Reardon. R-E-A-R-D-O-N.

And his husband, Richard Nearli

They are ...

Gay thieves.

Really? And what do they steal rainbows?

They stole a million dollars from Jake and Chloe Jones.

And then...

Oh God, it's a lot harder than I thought it was gonna be...

They used the money to buy a luxury house in Silver Lake.

- How do you know this? - You've seen it, it's spectacular.

How do you know they stole the money?

Oh, they told us.

In confidence - which is why we're very conflicted by this .

Absolutely. I've have had acid reflux all morning.

The money belongs to the orphans of Bhutan.

That's why we're here.

For the orphans of Bhutan?

Yes, God bless them.

The LAPD is already investigating your adorable

Brother and his lovely husband.

And when the full extent of their little xaxa of crimes come to light,

We are going to prosecute. To the fullest extent of the law.

- Can I help you? - No, it's good.

Bhutan...

Oh, Jesus...

Richard!

Holy shitl! Richard!

What? What's going on? Are you okay?

I think Paige and Cooper killed Jake and Chloe.

I believe that.

Look, they were in Bhutan, the same time Jake and Chloe were killed.

Coincidence? I don't think so!

Do you really think your sister is capable of murder?

Half sister. And check this out.

Lindsay Lohan would be impressed.

Sorry...

Turning in your family to the authorities - It's never easy.

We tried to take the right road, when we kidnapped their dogs.

That cash is here, and we'll find it too, once they're locked up.

Yeah, but once they're arrested, won't the police search the house?

Why didn't you bring that up before we went to the LAPD?!

I just did It seems... that I... I mean, I thought... maybe...

Do you wanna a "Vic"?

Yes! But I can't have one!

Because I'm motherfuck pregnant!

All of those people coming and going, day and night...

We thought, they were getting treatment, it turns out they were getting high.

And another thing is bad enough

That we have to live in this hell hole,

Must we walk through dog shit to go to our home!

Go out of the way ... Shut up!

Why do I feel like I've been violated?

You're pregnant.

We've recently have began to suspect that Paige and her husband...

Are drug dealers and murderers.

You're saying your sister is a killer?

- She and her husband Cooper... C- O-O-P-E-R.

They were in Bhutan the same time Jake and Chloe were killed.

How interesting.

- The sudden burst of conscience. - Well...

Especially since they just told me that,

You bought your house with stolen money.

They did what now?

Those fuckers! ...Who we love.

But it is not from their recycle bin.

What difference does it make It's close enough.

But it's not gonna smell the same.

I'm not asking them to sniff truffles.

Vomit is vomit.

- Hold. - Oh my God. Disgusting.

Not you. Just your vomit.

Okay, doggies, come and have a sniff.

Here you go, doggies, have a sniff.

Oh damn.

Momma just got a riser.

I don't, I wouldn't touch it.

I suspect they two works, so I did a little checking.

I found out that you recently made a cash deposit

Of almost a million dollars.

This raises big questions.

Not just for me, but the IRS.

- The IRS? - We can explain that.

There's also been a complaint filled against you by something called "The Porpoise Purpose"

Yeah, we had a bit of a run-in with them.

What kind of person stops payment on a check to help dolphins?

Technically, they're porpoises. They are the people of the sea.

And we' re very, very sorry.

I got one more question for you.

What the hell do you think I am?

- A detective. - Damn right I am.

Do you know what that means?

I'm not your nanny or your therapist or your bitch.

I'm a detective with the fine organization that is the Los Angeles Police Department.

- Yes, I think that's what he meant. - That's what I meant.

So I'm gonna tell you how this is going to go down.

I will look into your precious half sister,

And you - you're gonna make good on your "Porpoise Purpose." pledge

We would really like it, we would love to, but we can't.

Okay. Well. I'm off to the district attorney, and then to the IRS.

They are going to be interested in my investigation.

Especially your tweets.

- My tweets? - Yes.

Do you follow me?

A confession by social media - Very cutting edge,

Hashtag "guilty."

- You tweeted about this? - No! Of course not!

I... Yes, I did, I'm sorry.

Night now.

We have the cash. We took out a second.

Which we were coincidentally going to donate to the " Porpoise purpose."

Giving. Feels good, don't it?

Paige!

Paige, open this door!

They're gone. Where would they...

Those bastards, they took it.

How can people be so goddman greedy?

Right. Greedy people who steal.

Who that remind you of?

Alex.

Come on, this is completely different.

Is it? How exactly?

Don't be like this, Alex.

We did all of this for the orphans and for the dogs.

- Richard, enough. - What?

You know that.

Can we just be honest with ourselves for once?

I just really wanted our house.

That's great , if we could afford it.

Well, we can.

Okay, maybe we can't.

No, we definitely can't, and now we're gonna lose it, why?

Because your sister is an evil manipulative freak.

Aside from that? It's a ... this obsession with you.

Me? Okay, okay, okay, so I'm the only one who wanted this?

It's like you're trying to prove something, it's like you want to be...

- Don't say it! - Straight.

- Don't you dare say that to me! - It's true, isn't it?

- You have straight envy. - Me?! You're the one with straight envy.

You're the one who wants to adopt every orphan and stray dog, Angelina Jolie!

What's wrong with that?

Maybe I don't want that.

You don't want to adopt? Really?

- Alex, wait... - No, you tell me. Tell me right now.

Of course, I want kids. But...

I'm just afraid they're not gonna let us. Me. I'm afraid they're not gonna let me.

- What... - Well...

Think about it, it's been months, and we still haven't been approved.

Obviously not because of you...

I just thought that maybe - maybe...

I love you so much.

I don't want you to look at me one day

And figure out that I'm not perfect.

I already know.

You do?

You haven't disappointed me. You couldn't, not really.

- I love you. - I love you too.

Let's get rid of this goddamn house.

So, they are ready to make an offer. It's low, but acceptable.

No, absolutely not.

Look on the bright side - We're keeping the property in the family.

Excellent, right?

Jealousy - it's a disease.

Get well soon, bitches.

- Hi. - Oh, hey.

First of all - we are so, so, so sorry.

Yes, very sorry.

What happened has nothing to do with how we feel about you,

Or your organization or the porpose.

It's our new favorite mammal.

- It's cute. - Thank you.

And so, we would like to make good on the donation that we promised...

In monthly installments.

Here.

Wait, where you're going? It's it?

Don't we get a thank you?

A thank you? It's one thing to make a million dollars donation.

But then to give stolen money,

And then take it back, to buy a house?

And even though you're giving me a check for a one thousand dollars,

Just to avoid going to jail, you want a thank you?

We'd settle for a receipt.

- Ungrateful. - You think we'll get a receipt?

Oh Jesus, what happened?

We were robbed by very messy thieves!

Who would be stupid enough to rob us?

Someone stupid with acid reflex.

But we just told you who did this.

Yes, yes, I know.

It's with great difficulty that you implicated your beloved sister in law, right?

No, it's not. She did this.

- And she should pay. - This evidence is circumstantial.

Just let us do our investigation, something else will turn up.

Do you have any idea what was taken?

Yeah...

She took this.

This thing?

It's hideous. You should thank her.

" Hideous, you should thank her"... - I heard that.

Where did you find this?

It was inside Edendale when we bought the place. Why?

Because that it is the Kuntu Zangpo.

Ancient Bhutanese figurine.

Property of Bhutan's must Art collector

Who died five months ago.

Jake and Chloe, known for their humanitarian work

Were also smuggling artifacts out of the Orient

And they owed me a great deal of money.

And the Zangpo was to be payment.

So how much was it worth?

Something like that is priceless, of course,

But I do know a buyer,

Who is willing to pay 10 million dollars.

Are you telling me we had a 10 million dollar tchotchke, laying around our house?

They took the Zangpo from you, and now you're going to help me get it back from them.

Hold on, we can't just go in there and steal it.

If you do I'll pay you one third of its value.

That's three million three thousand hundred dollars.

When do you want it?

Say hello to my little friends.

- All so pretty, aren't they? - Oh, I think I'm in love.

Hey guys! What's going on?

Richard, now is not the time.

We missed you too. We're all family, after all.

What do you think you're doing? No, no, no... it's not...

Look at this!

- It's The Kuntu Zangpo. - Fresh from our apartment.

Wait your apartment? I thought you said it was yours?

It is.

Richard, put that down right now or I am calling the police.

Oh, you want me to put it down? Alright.

Oh dear Jesus! - No!

What did you do?!

Cooper, Cooper. Cooper tablets.

You know, she has gastroesophageal reflux, what you doing to her, you freaks.

Chill, it's heartburn.

Chill? You fucking chill!

Hey, back off! Aren't you supposed to be pregnant?

You'll have the baby.

Well, I had a long day, so I think I'll just go.

Everyone calm down.Look.

- Oh, my gay God. - What there's another one?

Very amusing.

You didn't think we would break something, worth 10 million dollars, did you?

- What, 10? You charged me 12. - We are still negotiating.

Richard, give it to me.

- First, answer a few questions for us. - Give me a goddamn break.

- What you would do? - Try me.

Just tell him whatever the fuck he wants to hear.

Why did you go to Bhutan?

Jake and Chloe were going to give our money to those stupid orphans,

So we followed them to Bhutan, to get it back, but it didn't work.

- So you killed them? - What?

We don't kill, we therapists, we help people.

- Yeah, by selling them drugs. - Drugs...

- Oh, my God. We'll talk later. - What?

- This is not true. - Really?

Jesus christ, fine, okay, we hop people up.

You have to, to go ahead in this town.

- I knew it. - Hand over the dragon!

Just wait one goddamn minute!

Sidney!

Why is this man pointing a gun at us?

I thought we were handling this.

Yes, you were.

Then I realized that you two have an issue with trust.

Give me the Zangpo.

Uh-uh, hold up, sweetheart.

You want that thing, you got to come through me.

Who the hell is he?

He's a buyer, Paige found on the Craig's list.

Well, I went over all Bhutan for that figurine, and I want it now.

You were there too? You killed them!

Well, the official story is,

I was driving over to meet them, and accidentally drove over them.

Twice?

In Bhutan they modify the cars for the disabled, it's a disgrace.

And all for nothing, because those two didn't have the Zangpo.

Jake was a liar.

Yeah try get them pay for a sick tree.

You know what, this is all very interesting, but I think I'll just take this...

Oh my God, you shot me, you butthole!

This is Italian! Oh my God, somebody call 911!

- My goodness. - Okay, that's it.

When Buddhists starts shooting people something is very seriously wrong!

- Give, give here! - Let go!

Oh no!

Oh, no, no!

You choose me over this sculpture.

Honey, you are my brother.

Oh, God, what have I done!

I am your brother, that's why I feel sorry...

- LAPD, nobody move !!! -... about throwing you in jail.

Take the paramedics here ASAP.

And maybe a coroner, too. You're alright?

- We're good. - What's going on here?

I'm wearing a wire. And guess who just confessed.

You're under arrest for illegal sale of prescription narcotics

And refusal to provide under court order to demolish one dead oak.

These people are ruthless!

They're a menace, that's what they are.

You know they shouldn't be allowed to be out on the streets,

Let alone to sell antiques.

I've seen back in my days, nothing but ...

I hope we can someday be a family again.

Me too.

And you start by getting us the best lawyer in Southern California.

Yes, preferably one who's not into buddhism.

You ... broke both sculptures.

You thrown away 10 million dollars.

You are insane.

Come with me.

Voilą.

The real Kunt Zangpo.

My god, there were three?

- Yeah. Well, the other two were fakes. - How do you know?

Well, this is the one that Jake and Chloe sent back from Bhutan,

Plus, it's older and dirtier.

And I Googled it.

BHUTAN

This school was built by donations from another American couple.

Perhaps you heard of them.

Honey, they really were good people.

We still mourn their passing... and wonder,

Who now will take their good work.

Hey, hey there. We know you. Kvinley?

We saw you on a movie.

- Alex, no, remember, this isn't him... - Oh my God, I'm sorry.

This is Kvinleya's brother, Kvinfey.

Hi. I'm Alex.

- This is Richard. - Hi, I'm Ri...

We actually have something for you.

Another Kuntu Zangpo, it can't be.

Thank you... thank you.

This will ensure that children for generations.

How can we ever thank you?

What do you say, honey?

Can you think of some way he could repay us?

Hey... how would you feel about going back to America with us?

Will you come home with us? - Yeah?

I think we gonna need to buy a house.

English Subtitles: Pinky and the Brain