Original subtitles

Hey, man.

Check out that scullery maid.

Nothing turns me on like a woman in an apron.

Oh, look at Jeff Robin.

Straight out of the dork ages.

Oh, hey, Seb. I didn't know you were working on this picture.

Oh, this is so cool. You can help me meet that woman.

Jeff, we're not married anymore.

I don't have to find women for you.

Really funny.

You know, that armor makes you look a little hippie.

Really? I like your outfit.

You finally have that big lance you always wanted.

That way you can pet his eyes out first.

I need to destroy every sign that that cheating bag of huts ever existed.

I've got an idea. Why don't you come with me on my spiritual sweat retreat?

Forget it. I am not crawling into a hut with a bunch of Beverly Hills matrons

ripping off a sacred Native American ritual to whine about their petty

It's not like that at all.

Most of the women are from Encino.

Computer expo tickets? Honey, you can't throw these away.

That's why you stopped interacting with your family.

No, that was the how. The why would take weeks.

Anyway, I was going to go with Sean, and I don't feel like going by myself,

okay?

You could go with me.

You're not kidding, are you? Because that would be cruel.

We'll only go if you want to. I mean, if you wouldn't be too bored.

Well... I might be, but I'm willing to go for your sake.

My daughter doesn't hate me.

Ira loves me.

Ira loved me not.

Ira loved me.

Oh, how he loves me.

Marianne, new rule. You pluck it, you buy it.

from Arkansas, Lyle Slocum.

He entered me in my first beauty contest.

Thanks to him, I was Miss Pickle Pig's thief.

It started my whole career.

Well, it certainly set the tone.

You must be Sybil's daughter.

Hey!

Oh, gee, Mom, I like him already.

Mary Ann, you're about the prettiest thing I've seen since we tied ribbons in

the goat's beard.

Oh, I get that all the time.

You know, Lyle has the biggest pig farm in Dumas, Arkansas.

They say if it comes off a pig, Lyle Slocum's got a hand in it.

Well, I got more than pigs on my mind. I come out here to be on The Price is

Right. You know, I've always dreamed of it. Then last week, my horoscope said,

Libra, the time is right.

So you plan your life around a line in the newspaper.

Bravo.

Relieves you of all that pesky thinking.

I'll say.

And I am raring to go. Look, soda, 55 cents.

Couch, $12 .95.

Gold Cartier watch, six grand.

This face.

Priceless.

Back home, we used to say Lyle could charm the eggs out of a chicken.

Oh, so that's what I feel in my pants.

You know, he can guess a person's weight just by picking him up.

Do you remember the time you slipped a disc picking up old Hippo Henderson?

Hey, Sid. Hi, Ira.

Zoe asked me to bring over anything from my house that belonged to Sean. All I

found were a couple of Petri dishes and a glow -in -the -dark slinky.

Quick, little Abner, guess my weight.

Hello, Ira. Allow me to introduce Lyle Slocum, the biggest pig farmer in

Arkansas.

Dumas, Arkansas.

Well, put the nice lady down.

Hi, Mom. Rachel, come meet your second cousin, Lyle, from Arkansas.

You remember Uncle Lee and Aunt Dottie? The ones who shared the teeth?

Hi. Mom, can I talk to you, please? Excuse us, Cousin Lyle.

So, Ira, don't you think Lyle's just about the cutest pig farmer you ever did

see? Yeah.

I reckon.

So, our marriage counselor wants you and Daddy to come to a session with us.

Well, I'd be happy to, honey, but I can't speak for your father.

I know too many words.

Hey, Mom, isn't Cousin Lyle the one who got married to a pig?

Oh, that was just a publicity stunt.

And he had it to know.

Boy, this is really state -of -the -art.

A hundred megs of RAM, a three gigabyte hard drive, and parallel processing.

Oh, you must be lying, Pinocchio.

Okay, now let's do something important. How do you make my boobs bigger?

Surprisingly okay.

Well, it's early yet.

Linen paper cloth, $34 .99.

Pound of spaghetti, $0 .89.

I'm not boring you, Emma.

Oh, no, not at all.

My doctor says I need to air out the back of my throat every five minutes.

Any luck at the prices right?

No, but my horoscope says hang in there.

So, if you ladies will excuse me, I have to do a little price research down at

the 7 -Eleven.

Still a little shaky on my fine wines.

I don't want to hear it.

You were the one who wanted to spend time with him to make Ira jealous.

You could have warned me.

You're just lucky it wasn't his brother Kyle.

He carries dead squirrels in his pockets.

Speaking of bizarre behavior, does Zoe still like you?

Well, she can't seem to get enough of me.

We've gone to the beach, we've gone shopping, and when we run into her

she doesn't deny I'm her mother.

I'm loving every minute of it, but I'm a little worried about her.

Here's a note for you.

Someone obviously mistook me for a postal worker.

I'll be waiting for you. Please hurry.

Who's this from?

The Little Match Girl.

I just know that Shrink is going to start blaming me for everything. Like I

a bad father or something. You were a bad father.

Well, yeah, but I don't need to hear about it.

Daddy, I didn't think you'd come.

Are you kidding? I love being here.

Rachel, Kevin, good to see you.

Lois, hi.

These are my parents.

Jeff.

Hello.

Have we met?

weekend? I've seen this movie and all its horrible sequels.

Daddy, you slept with Lois?

Now I remember.

I thought your name was Lola.

This is just so icky.

Thoroughly and undeniably icky.

It was a long time ago.

It was a long time ago, wasn't it?

Not long enough.

Under the circumstances, I'm going to have to recommend another therapist.

I'm sorry.

It was good seeing you again.

Well, I might have expected something like this from your family.

Mom, do something.

Oh, there you go again, running to your mother every time we have a problem. You

want me to solve our problems? Okay, try this on for size.

Did you happen to notice if Lois was wearing a wedding ring?

Your daughter's marriage is falling apart and you're coming on to her

Ex -therapist.

Because of you!

You took Lois to Catalina, just like Kendra.

Kendra? Who's Kendra?

Kendra, my hairdresser.

Oh, your hairdresser. I thought her name was Tundra.

Tundra is not a name, you idiot!

It's a big block of ice!

That's her.

hairdresser but i got so mad when you took her to catalina i got someone else

cut my hair and he butchered it so bad you could see patches of scalp this is

about a haircut no it's about jessica lang she and i were screen testing for

king kong we both had to stand on his hand and scream bad monkey bad monkey

because of my lousy haircut she got the part and the career and all because you

just can't keep it in there

I forgot you drove.

Mom, do you want to play miniature golf tonight? I'll look the other way when

you nudge the ball of your foot.

Should I even bother calling the other therapist, Mom?

They all say marriage is a two -way street.

They just don't understand.

Or we could go hear some poetry at Cafe Decaf. It's angry young man night.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to my annual ritual sweat.

I'm going to purge my pain, cleanse my spirit, and renew my soul.

That sounds appalling.

I know you all think it's a big joke. No, no, no, Mom. If you're sweating, I'm

there.

Excuse me. My father slept with my therapist. You don't think I need to

Come on, Mary Ann. We need to pour us.

Ah, what the hell? CBS is showing skating again tonight. Let's do it.

Hey!

Wow.

So how'd it go on The Price is Right?

four hours in line, two hours in the audience, and nothing to show for it.

even a year's supply of turtle wax.

But you got to see Bob Barker live.

He is alive, isn't he?

Hey, Lyle, maybe you should try our luck on another show like Jeopardy.

No, that show's too easy.

I mean, they put the prices right on the board.

$100, $200, $300.

His mother was hit by lightning when she was pregnant.

I'm giving it up, cuz. I'm heading back to Arkansas.

Here, look at my horoscope.

Libra, go home.

It's almost as if some spirit is giving you a strong and expensive message.

You bribed an astrologer?

Eh, they're all whores.

Well, bye, cuz.

Bye, love.

Oh, I almost forgot. I want to leave you with something. I mean, because I know

you're this big Hollywood actress, but you will always be Miss Pickled Pig's

feet to me.

Oh, this is too much.

You know, I'm the only person I know who got hungry during Babe.

Oh, Mom!

I'm sure gonna miss you, Mary Ann.

You know, I am sorely tempted to just park my pickup in your driveway and put

down some roots.

That would be wonderful.

And I wouldn't even mind the precipitous drop in property values, but remember

what the stars say.

Libra, go home.

Be brave.

Be strong.

Be on your way.

How about a kiss before I go?

Oh, I'd love to, Lyle, but I've had a touch of that projectile vomiting thing

that's going on.

Bye, Mary Ann.

Oh.

So long, Lyle.

I don't know about California, but where I come from, that goes for seven

dollars.

phase of our spiritual journey.

North, south, east, west.

Give us power on our quest.

I'm so bored. I'm so hot. I'd really like to do a shot.

Quiet or you'll hurt a lot.

In this first phase, we're asked to say a prayer for ourselves.

It's all a ritual, Marianne. It isn't fat camp.

Who would like to begin?

Go ahead.

Tonight I pray for more mother wisdom so I can give better advice to my troubled

daughters. I'm dying in here. I wish I had a Snapple.

Rachel, we're here for enlightenment serenity. Zip it.

Now we're entering the second phase.

where we're asked to pray for everything outside of ourselves.

Who would like to begin?

Oh, okay.

I'm like practically anal about clipping coupons, but the one time I forget,

Kevin acts like I'm throwing money into a shredder.

May I interrupt with a question?

Go ahead.

What's a coupon?

to give away all the things in our lives that are no longer useful to us.

I would like to give away my obsession with Ira.

It has led me to play childish games, embarrassing myself, and driving him

forever.

Oh, Marianne.

I'd also like to give away the smell of pig's feet in my car. Thank you very

much.

I'd like to give away my professional envy, especially towards Jessica Lange,

whose career I might have had had my husband not been such a horndog.

I'd also like to give away my pool boy who can never seem to keep the leaves

out. I'm not finished yet.

I'd like to acknowledge this anger towards Jeff I've carried around for 20

years.

It's a bad example for my daughters.

I'm sorry.

If everyone else is done, I'd like to do some cleansing.

You would?

That's so great.

Everybody, shh.

Zoe's going to cleanse.

I have worked very hard to develop this persona.

And everyone's completely bought it, including me.

But all it's brought me is pain and isolation.

So, I am giving away the old, cynical Zoe

who stood on the sidelines and judged.

From this moment on, Zoe Woodbine is embracing the world.

Thanks for bringing me here, Mom.

You're welcome.

best sweat I ever had.

Ira.

You're getting home kind of late.

Your hair is flat.

Is that what you came here to tell me?

Yes.

Well then, thank you.

Tonight. Mary Ann.

Who is it?

Open up.

No.

What are you doing?

I came over here to say something, and I'm going to say it.

What I was going to say is...

I think you're making a big mistake with Lyle.

Oh, and how's that?

Well, look at him, Mary Ann.

The pigs will always come first.

He'll drag you to state fairs and hog auctions and meat packing plants. You'll

be the first lady of pork.

It won't be enough. I know you.

Ira, I have a tiny confession to make.

I was just using Lyle to make you jealous.

You were?

It worked, didn't it?

No.

Yeah. That's why I kind of kicked your plant.

See?

Nobody's ever kicked a plant for me before.

Well, good night, Marianne.

Goodnight.

Oh, how he loves me.

What happened?

Oh, no.

Not the cast of Friends.

Oh, my God. Don't you just love Jennifer Aniston's hair?

Don't worry, honey.

We'll find out who did this horrible thing to you.

As if.

This is what I was talking about at the sweat lodge. I mean, my life, hello, was

not working.

And all the cheerleaders seemed way happier than me, right? So I, like,

redid myself.

Stay right here.

I'll get a priest.

Don't go away. We'll be right back.

Annie, I need you.

Did you hear? They just... fire jessica lang where the hell are they going to

find a sexy actress in her 40s with wavy blonde hair

it'd be really great if she could do a southern accent

of course where are you going to find

an actress willing to eat pickled pig's feet so

Jessica Lange.