Original subtitles

How he took this job, because my agent told me about F. Murray Abraham.

You know, he went right from Cranky Banana in Fruit of the Loom to Cranky

Composer in Amadeus.

Good for him.

Meanwhile, I went to Juilliard, and last week I played a condom in a health film

for the Coast Guard.

I'd like to fire Murray, Agent, but Arthur and I have too much history.

I mean, how do you get rid of someone who drove you to the hospital when you

were about to give birth?

Well... My husband drove me to the hospital, and I canned his ass.

Whoa!

Oh,

God, this is slippery!

I could never fire Arthur.

I mean, besides, he got me this job, and work is work, right?

Places, everybody!

But I believe if you bring enthusiasm and integrity to it, you can be proud of

any job.

And action!

Flirt, flirt, flirt, flirt, flirt, flirt.

new agent.

Last month, he had me on Dr. Quinn as Woman with Phlegm.

I just love Dr.

Quinn. Finally, a show about women like me.

Marianne, promise me, when Arthur shows up, no matter how sentimental I get,

don't let me chicken out.

All right, but before he gets here, I have got to tell you the dream I had

Ira.

He was standing on the bow of a long boat, looking tall and proud.

And he was wearing a Norseman's helmet, you know, with the horns.

Yumpin' Yemenis.

And then it just burned and pillaged my little beach house in Malibu. And he was

carting me off as a prize.

You're my best friend, Marianne.

And you're fantasizing about my ex -husband. Do you know how weird that is?

be like me, fantasizing about Dr. Dick.

Oh, now you're comparing apples and schmucks.

Hi, Sybil.

Oh, Arthur.

Marianne. Hello, Arthur.

You know what I was just thinking about that time that you got your first

network job?

Now, Evelyn and I were so proud of you.

I must have spent twice my commission on that lobster dinner.

It was worth it.

We go back a lot of years, Arthur, and you worked very hard for me. Here it

comes out. Do you want to bite down on something?

Arthur, we've had a great run together, and I appreciate everything you've done.

But it's time to move on.

Oh, Sybil, you're a major talent. Now, don't you ever give up acting.

I don't want to give up acting. I just want to do work the neighbor kids won't

make fun of.

Stalling, hungry.

Arthur, I need to make a change.

You're right.

You know what? You need some new headshots.

I don't need headshots.

I need a new agent.

Oh.

Oh, I see.

Good. What are the specials?

Well, Sybil, you've been with me a long time.

I wish you the best of luck.

I was afraid you'd be more upset.

Are you okay?

Of course.

Listen, I've been through this a thousand times.

Cash. It's show business.

You ladies don't mind if I pass on the lunch, do you?

So long, Sybil.

Well, we skip right to dessert. When I fire my mates, I always have a hankering

for flan.

He took it a lot better than I expected.

The man's a pro.

I was worried when I told him, but it didn't seem like it affected him at all.

Sister Mary Rose.

Oh, come on in.

Hey, Sean, come meet my new piano student.

Hi, I'm... Not!

Um, what do you think you're doing?

If you want to smoke, you have to take it outside.

This is how you talk to a nun.

Nun? Simone, if you're going to kill yourself, feel free, but you're not

us with you.

Go smoke on the porch. We'll start when you're done.

Who died and made you Mother Superior?

Zoe, she's a bride of God. Do you know what happens if you talk to a nun

Oh, no.

I think my bone marrow's leaking.

Sean, she is not a bride of God. Why would God marry a chain smoker with an

attitude?

Don't trouble yourself, Zoe. I'll get it.

I got your message on my machine.

I can't remember the last time you actually asked me to come over. I hope

something that requires a lot of comforting but wasn't too serious.

Arthur died.

Yes, perfect.

Oh, let it out, honey. I'm here for you.

One minute I was talking to my agent, and the next minute he was gone.

It's like 10 % of me died.

He stuck by me through everything, and his wife was always so nice.

Oh, no.

Poor Evelyn.

I have to go see her, find out if there's anything I can do.

Is that a new perfume?

Ira, this woman is alone, and it's my fault.

Well, I'm all alone, and that's your fault. Where's Romo's hair?

Don't you understand?

I feel like I killed him.

At any minute now, I'm going to see a symbol of divine wrath.

Hey, anybody got an ashtray?

Drink for Michelle.

It's a luau for two of us.

I thought you called me over here to talk about me and Sybil. All in good

Have some poi?

Thanks, I had poi for lunch.

What's all this about?

Ira, you and I have been through a lot together.

The good time, the bad time, the in -between time.

The times that were better than in between, but not quite good.

They're not really so bad times, even though most of the time... Mary Ann, I

have tickets for the Olympics in June.

What I was trying to say is that I think... I mean, I would like to think

can be honest with you.

Look, I know what you're going to say.

I'm a fool waiting for Sybil to love me, right?

Oh, I, uh...

Do you remember the Hawaiian vacation that you and Sybil and Dr.

Dick and I went on?

Uh -huh.

Luau and Maui.

Don Ho was singing Tiny Bubbles.

Sybil and Dr.

Dick had long since passed out.

The two of us were trading balmos by the pig carcass.

And I sensed something magical between us.

And as if to tell me that you were feeling the same way,

coconut.

You took that as a sign of affection?

A girl knows things.

Marianne, listen to me.

You're an incredible woman, but you frighten me.

Hence the coconut.

Does this frighten you?

Don't tell me that you haven't felt it, too.

Okay, but I really haven't.

Well, Ira, it's nice to know that you feel close enough to me to be so

brutal in your honesty.

Mary Ann, get off the floor.

Look, uh...

I'm flattered.

You helped me out of my writer's block. You've been a good friend to me, but

some people aren't meant to be more than that.

You understand?

You gonna be okay?

I hope he gets tiny bubbles in his aorta.

Oh, the meter is around the back.

Evelyn, it's me, Sybil.

Oh, of course, Sybil, of course. I didn't recognize you in your uniform.

You come in.

Thank you.

I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am. Oh, I appreciate that.

Come on, sit down.

You know, Arthur always said that you were the most loyal of all his clients.

Clint Eastwood and Joan Rivers and Kenny Rogers.

I mean, he gave them all their breaks. And then they left him.

No.

What is it with this business?

We're never blessed with children.

Only cocker spaniels.

But Arthur always said, if I had a daughter, I would want her to be just

Sybil.

Please tell me he didn't say that.

Is there anything I can do? Anything at all?

people that he worked with would like to be at the service, perhaps you could

make a few calls.

A few calls? And I guess you could order the flowers in the limo.

So basically, I'll be getting everything but the casket.

Oh, but, oh my, oh, yes, we will need one of those.

I'll go get you the yellow pages.

Fine. I'll pick out the casket.

But no way am I picking up a shovel.

It's long enough.

It's a little tight in the shoulders.

I'm sure they do alterations while you wait.

We're all the salespeople anyway.

You could drop dead in here and nobody'd notice.

Sibyl, when I die, I want you to cremate me and pour my ashes into Dr. Dick

Gatt's tank.

Marion, we have a real problem. I have called every number in Arthur's Rolodex,

and the few people who would talk to me have never heard of him.

Don Knotts told me to piss off.

You better do something, darling. You have a hundred seats to fill at this

funeral. Yes, and she's expecting celebrities.

So far, all I've got is Anson Williams, who, by the way, volunteered to bring a

covered dish.

With her eyesight, I might as well hire Rich Little.

Or look -alikes.

You know, a lot of people say I look like Audrey Hepburn.

You know, a lot of people say the white stuff in Twinkies is good for you.

You know who would look good in this?

Ira.

You're bitter.

Marianne, welcome back.

Why should I be bitter?

Just because Ira tossed me aside like so much tainted poi?

You didn't try that luau for two outfits.

Well, at least the Ira phase is over.

Don't be fooled.

Rejection only makes me want him more.

Wow, you're a one -twisted sister.

You need help.

Oh, and here's the cavalry now. Don't go away.

Well, hello there. Hello. I'm Jack Marshall.

How can I be of service in your time of need?

You can tell me you're single.

Yes, I am.

Good. I'm shopping for a friend.

Marianne?

Marianne!

Ixnay on the ask of Kay.

You did it first.

That's before I met handsome single Jack, the funeral director.

Oh, hello.

Forgive me. I just always wanted to know how one of these things fell.

No, no, no. No, don't get up. As a matter of fact, make yourself

It's satin, you know.

Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.

These are buttons.

Eat one and smile.

Listen, Evelyn, about Arthur.

Aren't these flowers lovely?

You know, Arthur had fresh flowers sent to me every Friday since the day we met.

And then he wrote it in his will that I was to keep getting them until the day I

died.

What were you saying?

He was a great guy.

And, you know, I would have liked him whether he was a big -time Hollywood

or not. You are so sweet.

You know what will go great with these mints?

Some thread.

Have you heard from Kenny Rogers yet? Oh, I forgot. Oh, this is Arthur's

I wrote it.

You did? You wrote it yourself?

Yes, I did.

It would make me so happy if you would read it at the funeral.

Of course I will.

Oh, fine.

Now, listen, dear.

I've seen most of your work, and you are very good.

But this is going to take just a little more than you are used to giving.

Jack's taking me to Spago's tonight. How do I look?

Like a hooker in mourning.

You're not just saying that?

Hello, ladies.

I'm... I'm so sorry about your loss.

Looking good.

Your plan can't possibly work, you know.

Marianne, Evelyn fed us buttons.

She'll think that's Joan Rivers.

Oh, I'm so sorry about your loss.

Your husband was such a wonderful agent. Can we talk?

The widow's inside. Now get in there and start mourning.

I'll throw in an extra ten bucks for real tears.

Oh, honey, for twenty, I'll throw myself on the coffin. Come on.

Whoopee!

I just saw Diana Ross standing in a urinal.

What the hell is that about?

Hello, Ira.

I can't flirt with you today because I've got a new boyfriend.

We're going out for a drive tonight.

If the hearse is rocking, don't bother knocking.

the agent's show business, not politics.

He's all wrong.

Really?

Then you're gonna hate these guys.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You go home.

You sit in the back and lose the hat.

We gather to say goodbye to the man who took Hollywood from a sleepy village.

to a bustling metropolis.

Let's face it, if there were any justice, this town would be called

I said to Arthur, playing a nun just ain't my thing.

And Arthur said, Whoopi, you go, girl.

He was always there for me, even when I didn't want him, the putz.

look at Evelyn she's so touched I think she's buying it let's hope she

doesn't see Stevie drive to the cemetery I

hate that

We're coming.

This has been kind of a tough day for me.

Oh, you look like you could use another hug.

Or a couple of tickets to Acapulco.

What is it with you?

Look at yourself.

You're trying to breathe life back into our relationship in the middle of a

funeral home.

Symbolism is deafening.

Death is a wellspring of new life, Sib.

Yes, and mushrooms grow in dung.

The point is we're not getting back together again. Our relationship is

period.

Huh. I guess all that cold day in hell stuff was your way of telling me it's

going to work out.

I'm sorry, Ira.

How sorry?

Don't make me hurt you.

Don't, don't.

I heard everything.

Poor Ira, he's so vulnerable and desperate right now.

He can't possibly have the strength to fight me off.

He was just a rebound guy.

He'll get over it.

Yeah, I'm sure he's dealt with colder women than you.

Oh, there you are, Sybil. Oh, this was the perfect send -off for Arthur.

And if Fidel Castro hadn't hit on me, I might have bought the whole thing.

Oh, Evelyn.

This big funeral was so important to you.

And you seemed so sad and lost without Arthur. I really hoped I could put this

one over on you.

Well, I want to thank you for all the trouble you went through. You know, this

is why we loved you so much.

I guess I always knew that Arthur was not the big -time agent that he said he

was, but he was a big -time husband.

We were happy together.

And that's all that was important.

You know, Abe, I'm kind of proud I stayed with Arthur till the day he died.

Are you a drink?

Can I wear the hat?

Cool.

I'm here for Arthur Menno's funeral. Is everyone around?

Oh, please, you're late, and you don't even look... You look like him.

I'm not paying you a dime.

Come on, Abe. I'm in the mood for four score and seven beers.

Evelyn, I was so afraid I'd missed you.

I will never forget everything Arthur did for me. He was a remarkable man.

Oh, what a wonderful likeness!

Kenny will be tickled pink!

Evelyn?

I'm traveling.