Original subtitles

John was my only son, Lieutenant.

And I'm not saying he had any business in that crack house.

Oh.

I'm sorry. It's not supposed to happen.

What?

Mike. Yeah, listen, I'm in the middle of a casting session.

Yeah, I'll have to call you back later.

Okay.

I'm sorry, Cheryl. That was... Sybil.

Sybil, yeah.

Why don't you take some time?

John.

It was my only son, Lieutenant.

I'm sorry. You know, usually Mike gets so closed -mouthed. That could have

really been an emergency.

Mike's my boyfriend, by the way. You don't say.

Anyway, go on. Fine.

John was my only son, Lieutenant.

You really want to call him, don't you?

I'm sorry, what were you saying? Call him.

Call him now.

Oh, thanks. No, just take a minute.

Mike?

Yeah, hi, it's me. What's up?

Well, this is a bad time.

Well, you called me.

Okay, well, I'll call you later.

Okay.

Is there anything in particular you'd like me to play?

Rage, fear, annoyance?

I don't get it.

Now, I called him because he called me, and then when I called him back, he was

too busy to talk to me.

What do you think's going on here?

John was my only son, Lieutenant.

Ignore it.

And I'm not saying he had any business in that crack house.

But he was only a kid.

And aren't you people supposed to protect kids instead of cutting them

cold blood?

Hey, she told you not to interrupt. I'm trying to act here.

Now can't that wait until tonight?

Wow.

I'm sorry.

That was very unprofessional of me.

Thank you for your time. Oh, no, no, no. Wait, wait. Hey, hey, hey.

You have got the job.

I mean, Marie is supposed to be a little unstable. We are talking about a

character here who sets herself on fire and jumps off an air traffic control

tower. You're ideal. Welcome to Blue Justice.

Thank you. You won't be sorry.

Oh, and that was your mother on the phone.

And if you get it, won't you tell me how?

Ta -da!

Champagne? Oh, Ira, you shouldn't have. It's only a couple of days' work on a

cop show.

No, no, no. This is about me.

They're finally making my novel into a movie. That's great.

Congratulations.

Thanks. Oh, it's exciting, Shib.

They hired a hot new director. Critics love him.

He won a bunch of awards for directing a Paul Abdul video.

That's funny. When I read your book, I don't remember the wife ever dancing

an animated cat.

By the way, who's playing Carol Lowenstein?

You, hopefully.

After all, Carol is you.

Ciara, I don't know if I'm actress enough to play your selfish and

version of me.

Sure you are.

Prove it tomorrow, because I got you an audition.

I think you've got a shot.

Would it help if I slept with you? Because I did for 15 years. That's got

worth something.

Oh, Zoe!

Wonderful news!

Oh, wow, great! Bye.

Zoe, halt!

What's in the garment bag?

Defying all odds, a garment.

Prom dress?

Beekeeper's outfit?

Daddy, can I come and live with you?

Sure. What's in the garment bag?

Look, it's a garment for my job, okay? And I'm not telling you what job because

I know you'd both be so proud that you'd have to show up and humiliate me.

I'm leaving now.

Lie face down and count to a hundred before you try to follow me.

Why doesn't she ever tell us anything?

I don't know.

I could probably call some of her friends at school and find out where

working. If I only knew their real names.

Sorry that I couldn't read your new chapter, Jake.

I'm getting ready for an audition.

You're always getting ready for an audition.

Jake, take away my work and I have no life.

Can't you see your family is what's important?

You're right.

You're right.

You're always right.

And then it's just strip, strip, strip, sex, sex, sex, and we're out.

Yeah, just the way I remember it.

I can't believe it. Look how Ira describes himself.

Something stirs inside a woman every time he walks into a room.

Her lunch, perhaps?

Sybil, a writer has to take poetic license to realize his vision.

There's a cruel and cutting remark on the way. I can just feel it.

No, not this time, Sybil.

Ira's a tortured artist in search of something.

He's a thermos without a top.

He's a kitchen without help.

He's a tricycle without a wheel.

Which would make him a bicycle, actually, but the point is that I feel I

understand him.

I could be just what he needs.

And what you need is a cold shower and a Prozac.

You're right. A cruel cutting remark would have been much more appropriate.

Why do the words cruel cutting remark always bring me back to Zoe?

You know what she did? She went out and got a job.

These kids today, no respect for anything.

Well, my mother's intuition tells me it may be something illegal again.

We'd better stalk her before the feds get involved.

Oh, all right, but she knows my car.

I'd better trade plates with that Lexus parked next to me.

Oh, hi.

Ira.

Hey, Seb.

Oh, look who just walked into the room.

I should have known it when I felt something stirring inside of me.

Those character descriptions are just a guide for the casting director.

Speaking of which, am I in or out?

Sid, it's not a matter of being in or out.

It's a matter of being out.

Hey, I'm sorry.

Nobody wanted us to work together for three months more than me. I'm finding

the writer doesn't count at all on these things. They wouldn't even let me eat

with them. They said they weren't going to go to lunch, but I know they did.

I didn't want this part, but now that I didn't get it, I'm a little miffed.

I mean, who can I possibly find to play me better than me?

Jake, take away my work, and I have no life.

Can't you see that our family is what's important?

You're right.

You're right.

You're always right.

And cut.

Print out. Take five, everybody.

Hey, Ira.

It's like looking in a mirror.

Ira, do I really have to be here?

Can't I just go home and chew tinfoil?

I want you to see this. I thought you and Paul would get together and chat

your character.

No, really. I'd rather chew the tinfoil.

Hey, Paula.

No, no.

Paul, this is my ex -wife, Sybil Sheridan. Your character's loosely based

her. And while I was writing the book, his food and shelter were loosely based

on my income.

Well, it's a pleasure to meet you. It's an honor.

Well, Ira tells me you used to coach the Lakers.

Not exactly, but I did dance for them during halftime.

Oh, I bet they really enjoyed that.

I blame myself.

I was a working mother. She felt neglected. She fell in with the post

-impressionist crowd at school.

Happens every day.

I can imagine why she didn't tell me she was working in a museum. She knows I'd

be proud of her.

Whoa!

I know people say size isn't important, but get real.

Eddie, soldier.

Wow.

Ow.

You know, this would make a fabulous buffet table.

Yeah, it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye.

You know, I really have been thinking about Ira lately.

Masculine, creative vitality, this proud artistic vision.

And what do you call it when someone has a wife, an ancient soul?

Well hung.

Marianne, when exactly did you lose your mind in this particular way?

Ira has this brooding, introspective side.

I never really noticed it.

Pardon me.

I never really noticed it until that night he and I were drowning Dr.

Dexterio in molasses.

There's really a lot to like about him. I mean, he's sensitive, he's funny, he's

imaginative. He's a quiet breather.

Oh, you noticed that, too? Isn't that the cutest thing?

Marianne, you spent 15 years watching him patronize me, control me, and

otherwise make me crazy. Why would you want to go down that road?

It just feels right.

Are you okay with this? I think you're crazy.

But whatever makes you happy makes me happy.

Yeah, what the hell?

Once I get rid of a car, I don't care who drives it.

And this statue is the Alexandrian god of fertility, Priapus, pouring libation

in honor of his phallus. Who cares about his phallus? Look at the size of that

thing.

You're staring at it.

Shut up. You shut up. Both of you shut up.

Oh, tell me this is not happening.

This young woman is making a serious attempt to enlighten us about ancient

cultures. Excuse me, ma 'am. Please come with me. Wait a minute. She's my

daughter.

Museum brutality.

Museum brutality.

Somebody get a video camera.

Why don't we move on to our Inca room where we can discuss the ceremonial

decapitation of the mother.

Ma 'am, we have janitors to dust that.

Todd and I have really made the script a lot stronger.

I know you're dying to see what we've done.

13 grams of fat?

What was I thinking?

Where you been all night?

I'm a reporter.

If I'm gonna break the hard news, I gotta play hardball with the hard guys.

You knew that when you married me.

little Chloe.

It's the top world.

She might as well learn that from her mom.

Where's the kid anyway?

God, I need some eye drops.

You have to meet Ira.

I'd like to thank the Academy.

I never said anything when you cheated on me.

But this is our child, and I gotta draw the line somewhere.

You lay off the sauce, so we're through.

All right, I've had enough!

Stop the film!

Stop the film!

So this is your new perspective on our marriage?

I was a promiscuous, self -centered alcoholic?

Todd thought we needed to raise the stakes.

And since when did you carry a gun?

Todd thought we should make Jake a cop. Otherwise, where's the jeopardy? At

least your distorted, civil -bashing novel had some tenuous connection with

life. I wasn't a tramp, and you weren't Deputy Dog.

Hey. I rode along on a neighborhood watch.

In Bel Air.

If you're just going to type whatever Beavis here tells you to, why don't you

find a way to have toys say this crap and make some real money?

I used to think Ira was sensitive.

Now I realize he's just spineless.

Well, at least there's none of that macho nonsense.

He's this brilliant, puffed up, imaginative, delusional, deeply

whiny child.

I spent the afternoon writing a poem about him, Sybil.

His eyes are bluish, right?

I hope so. It's so much easier to rhyme with his religion.

Marianne, I'll give you my liver if you promise to never, ever recite that poem.

I hope you're happy. After a little tiring, that punk fired me off my own

No. Yes, they hired a woman to get a female perspective.

What are they thinking?

Oh, Ira, somebody needs a hug.

Maybe later.

Meanwhile, how about a little gift to cheer you up?

I picked this out at the museum.

Is that a miniature Mr. Buffet table?

Yes, indeedy.

Ew, did you have to do this in front of me?

You reminded me of your...

Creative vitality.

Well, kids, gotta run.

Call me.

What the hell is this?

Uh -oh.

Looks like Pinocchio's been lying to Geppetto again.

What a thick joke, right? What?

She's making fun of me, isn't she?

It's okay.

We'll see who gets the last laugh.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. We'll just see.

Oh, look.

He's got a little flashlight.

Isn't that clever?

I wonder if I'd take the doors off to get this thing in here.

statue is the Alexandrian god of fertility, Priapus.

Could you explain the significance of the exaggerated male anatomical feature?

Hey, hey, hey, watch your mouth there, guy. You're talking to a young lady.

Please, Mr. Stranger, whom I've never met before in my life, why don't you let

me do my job?

Just trying to help. I was just asking the meaning of the giant phallus. That

does it.

Outside.

Hey, this guy was hitting on my daughter.

Just got your father? Nope, don't know him. Zoe?

Zoe!

Zoe! I can't believe you talked to the new writer behind my back.

She called and said she'd like a little insight.

She collaborated with the enemy?

We just had salads and went to the shooting range.

I told her what our marriage was really like. I think she came away with a good

overall perspective.

working late at the hospital.

Did you heat up those dinners I made for you and Chloe?

You know I don't go in the kitchen. Get me a beer.

Chloe went without dinner?

Yeah, but I locked her in the closet and she shut up after a while.

Oh, my God.

You know, Jake, I warned you.

If you don't get some help, I'm taking Chloe and leaving you.

It's not my fault.

It's these voices.

These voices!

Stop!

These voices!

These voices, they're haunting me. These voices, they're haunting me.

You've been saying that all the way home. I get it. You didn't like that

Was it enough to have me fired off my own life story?

Listen, I didn't tell him you were anything like that. The writer made it

up, and I didn't hear you protesting when they made me into a drunken floozy.

I was gonna.

It's like I'm roasting on a spit and... hell, and you two are standing there

with chef's hats and barbecue tongs.

Did you go to the museum, too?

I was only there for a minute.

Do you know I was chosen for that internship over 200 other applicants?

almost fired me.

Would you two stand a little closer together, please?

I agreed to provide them with a photo to post at the security station.

You're not allowed back there, the Museum of Natural History, or the La

Pit.

this time. Yeah, I guess all those years of locking her in the closet finally

came home to roost.

Oh, Ira, I'm so glad you're here.

Oh, my day just gets better and better.

Actually, I bought something for you. I was going to bring it to your house.

Ira, do you like poetry?

I'm going to go clean my oven.

It's a kitchen witch.

Actually, it's the Mayan goddess of promiscuity.

an eater of filth.

Oh, Ira, my cheeks are hot.

It's wonderful that we found these playful little ways to hint at the

we have for one another.

Hint? I was hoping that would get my message across loud and clear.

Oh, well, it does, darling.

Look at how this little lady is riding that broom.

Places, everyone.

Ira, you're standing on my foot.

Oh, sorry, Sid.

Would you get off it, please?

Roll camera.

And action.

you're pathetic and weak.

The only good thing we ever did together is gone.

I warned you not to mention... Not to mention our daughter who ran away.

Our daughter who ran away.

Our daughter who ran away.

Hey!

I'm drinking from that one.

Can you take your name off your own life?

I just don't have to kill myself.

We weren't anything like that, were we? No, not at all.

You were condescending and dismissive about my career, but you were never

actually delusional.

I just thought if you'd been a little more supportive, we might have resolved

our differences and stayed together.

You know, even after everything, I still sort of believe that.

Okay, so you are a little delusional.

I'm sorry this happened to your book.

I'm sorry my book didn't really do you justice.

Well, maybe the next one will.

You know, in a weird way, seeing all these ugly scenes makes me remember all

good times we had together.

Yeah. When he threw that whiskey bottle against the wall, it kind of reminded me

of the time you spilled NyQuil all over the rug.

That's just a little problem.

Everyone we know is going to see this thick, twisted version of us.

Mmm.

Oh, Todd.

Hey, hey, hey.

Powerful stuff, huh?

Listen, we need to talk to you. You've totally lost any shred of sensitivity

book had.

We think an audience could connect with a story about two well -intentioned

people whose hearts pull them in different directions.

If the characters are grounded in something real, people will root for

matter where you take the story.

You see what we're saying?

Yeah.

I think I do.

It's over, Jake, isn't it?

Well, Carol, I think we both know it is.

We meant well.

But our hearts just tore us in different directions.

Did you hear something?

Damn. They found us.