Original subtitles

Your ladies make a great tea.

Too bad I have to split you up.

Guess who's the best girl. If only I could get my hands on my mega -powered

throat spray.

Never fear, Galaxy Gal. I'll just use my biokinetic powers and break these

chains. Good. Something tells me this is going to hurt a lot more than a bikini

wax.

Nice try, invincible girl, but you're too late.

In precisely ten seconds, the world's rain for us will be no more.

Let me voice an objection.

foot with a galaxy gal.

You want to sit around here and reminisce? Or you want to go save those

Cut. Print that. Let's break till two.

Listen,

Sybil, I should tell you, I really take being the star of Invincible Girl

seriously. It would be great if we could become good friends, you know, and let

our chemistry play on the screen.

You know what really kicks a friendship into high gear?

Expensive gifts.

Loving one who loves you, and then taking that vow.

Nice work if you can get it, and if you get it, won't you tell me

how?

Hey, Sim. Ira, I thought you went to some writer's thingy up in the mountains

somewhere. No, I'm going to visit my mother in Fort... Lauderdale, but thanks

for listening.

I stopped paying attention when you said you couldn't take Zoe while I'm

shooting in Vancouver.

Forget Canada.

Come with me to my mother's. It'll be like a second honeymoon.

We had a second honeymoon. Don't you remember?

Oh, that's right. You weren't there.

You sent me a card. I still have it in my wallet. By the way, there's only one

in Aruba.

In your head, does that sound like sweet talk? Because to the rest of us, it's

overbearing criticism.

Come on. I used to make you hot.

Cabbing with you on my plane takes off in three days.

Ding dong.

Marianne in, Ira out.

I love her, you know. Don't we all, darling?

I brought you a little something for your trip.

Marianne, I'm going to Vancouver, not Leningrad.

Yes, but anything can happen when you're flying.

Didn't you see that movie where those two cute soccer players were reduced to

cannibals?

You're right.

This way, if I do have to gnaw on a stewardess, Lisa will look fabulous.

Well, Mommy, did you find me a babysitter yet?

Zoe, I can't leave you alone when I go out of town. Last time I did, you tried

to marry the gardener.

He was going to be deported.

Relax.

The demon seed can stay with me.

I don't know, Marianne.

Oh, come on. After all, I had a child.

Well, two, if you consider that... Little Sally Struthers girl in Nairobi.

Well, desperate times.

Hey, Zoe, great news!

You get to stay with your Annie Mayne!

You have beautiful toes, Zoe.

I can't understand why Sybil tells everyone you have webbed feet.

This is so much fun!

It is, isn't it?

I just wish my mother would start treating me like an adult. Yeah, she's

on my back, too. Sit up straight, Marianne. That's not your color,

Come to, Marianne.

Hey, let's order in some fatty foods and watch Deborah Winger die young in

something.

Um, okay. Well, I was supposed to go to this party tonight. Party?

Go, go, go. We can bring each other down later.

Nah, it's a costume thing. I don't have an outfit.

Oh, let me help you.

Some days getting dressed is the only reason I get out of bed.

Okay, well, I'm supposed to come as my favorite Eurotrash, socialite, or

mistress of capitalist swine. Swine where?

Darling, come up to my walk -in sty.

Another day made safe for the human race.

And all those little people down there can eat their lunch without having to

worry about radioactive falafel.

Good has once again triumphed over evil.

Cut!

And Lycra has once again triumphed over gravity.

How about you come to my house in Malibu when we get back into town? I'm having

a party Friday night. Sounds great.

We have so much fun together.

I love us!

There is someone I'd like you to meet.

He's an actor.

Oh, that's what I need. Some maitre d' showing me headshots of himself as Uncle

Vanya.

It's Al Pacino.

Too short.

Just kidding. What time?

Hey, Sid.

Ira!

What are you doing in Vancouver?

Well, I was in Fort Lauderdale, and I thought I'd swing by with some brisket.

My mother fixed you a plate.

Oh, how sweet!

Potato latkes.

I love your mother's potato latkes.

Wait, who took a bite out of this one?

Customers.

I thought I'd spend a couple days here and fly home with you.

Ira? I love your food. What I don't love is you're out of your mind.

You need to move on with your life. I wish you'd start dating again.

Well, maybe I already have.

Maybe there's an editor at my publisher's office.

Maybe your name is Dolores.

Maybe she's another one of those perfect women who only live in your little

dream world.

Dream world?

Okay, I'll bring her by the house next Friday night.

Friday night?

I can't. I have a date with Al Pacino.

Thanks, Zoe.

You know, if you ever need me to dress up like your mom and bail you out, I am

there.

Can you believe that my parents would have left me in there all night? I mean,

just to make some stupid point, like, crime is wrong.

Nina, I hate cigarettes as much as you do, but setting vending machines on fire

only exposes everyone to secondhand smoke.

Don't you just love the Home Shopping Network?

What are you doing back so soon?

Oh, the party was a drag.

Do you mind if Nina stays over? Oh, goody. Girls and I. Oh, let's make

and iron each other's hair.

Hell no.

We are going to take this baby and weld it to the hood of Dr.

Dick's Mercedes.

Stopping with my son was never like this.

He would always go on and on about all the struggling people in underdeveloped

countries. As if it were my fault they don't have Neiman Marcus.

Oh, my baby, I missed you.

I miss you, too.

You'll be happy to know that Zoe was the perfect house guest.

Mature, considerate, and responsible.

Like the daughter I never had.

Like the daughter I never had.

How'd it go in Vancouver?

Oh, you mean the show where the star wants to be my best friend and set me up

with Al Pacino?

Job's a job.

Actually, next week I have to go back for another episode.

And Marianne, since Zoe did so well with you, I think maybe it's time I let her

stay on her own. Yes!

Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! I gotta call John!

Ding dong! The witch is dead!

Times like these, I can't help getting a little...

Hello?

Oh, hi, Mrs. Hartford.

She what?

Are you sure it was Zoe?

Don't worry, I'll take care of it. Bye.

Zoe!

What? What did Zoe do?

Will I have to go to court? Do I need a new outfit?

You, villain!

I just got off the phone with Nina's mother.

Oh, you're so not going up those stairs.

up like Mrs. Hartford and bailed Nina out of jail?

You used my Versace suit to impersonate a housewife?

I was trying not to involve you, Marianne. But I am involved. We bonded,

God's sake, woman. I pummeled your heels.

No excuses this time, young lady. You march right back up those stairs and

the prison film I did last year for cable.

Oh, please!

Not the one with Eric Estrada.

Make notes. There'll be a quiz. And you can forget staying on your own. You know

what? Fine. Treat me like a child. But before you know it, I'll be 18.

And then I can bail out any felon I want.

Okay, Zoe, here's what your mother says you can do while you're grounded.

You may, and I quote, eat, study, bleep, period.

What about breathe?

Sorry, not on the list.

I am going to show your mother that I can be every bit as oppressive as she

Aw, come on. What do you say we go over to Dr. Dick's and throw a glockenspiel

down his chimney?

Nice try.

But you are not leaving this house except to go to school. I am suspending

maid privileges, and you can just forget about the creme brulee tonight.

Now go to your guest wing.

Excuse me, new final scene. Thanks. Ooh, last -minute rewrites. Real -life show

business. Let's do the lines. Okay.

Invincible, I thought you'd never get here.

Wait a minute. What are you doing with that old aerosol can?

What do you think I'm doing? I'm releasing fluorocarbons into the

Why, you're not Galaxy Gal. You're... Toxic Woman?

Great, I get to be the villain!

I never get to be the villain!

This changes everything.

What do you mean?

I have to hate you now.

You're kidding, right?

Because this is just a TV show. You know, lights, camera, paycheck.

I believe that's my mascara.

Sorry.

Stop looking at me!

Man, that chick is a Vincent nut.

Well, about an hour ago, I had a little emergency, and I stepped out to get some

olives.

And when I came back, she was gone.

Look.

What's this?

Nina.

The chloroform must have kicked in before she had time to finish the note.

Bad, or maybe she's at her friend Nina's.

Or just stand there. That's helpful.

Hi,

Mrs. Hartford. I'm Sybil Sheridan, Zoe's mom.

Oh, the accomplice's mother.

Pleasure.

I tried calling you, but I kept getting a busy signal. Oh, yeah. Gus is watching

reruns of Desert Storm on Timelife Video.

He always takes the phone off the hook.

Yeah. More's more fun that way.

to get back to it. I was just wondering if my daughter's here. Negative.

Nina's been locked in her room since 0600.

And if you ask me, Zoe could use a little stockade time herself.

If you ask me, you could use a little lithium.

Maybe Zoe's at your house.

couch or not.

You know, you're gonna get court -martialed for going AWOL.

Where's Zoe?

I promised I wouldn't tell. I'll call your mom.

She doesn't care what I do. Oh, I think she cares in a fanatical let's move to

Idaho kind of way.

You're gonna lose your stripes over this one, soldier.

Marianne, enough with the military metaphors.

Roger, Wilco.

We're gonna find Zoe.

And when we do, I'm going to say you ratted her out.

House party, Burbank, 1188 Oak Street.

Burbank? Why would she want to hurt me that way?

All right.

Study hall's over.

I hope you two are practicing safe homework.

Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four. Get your asses out the door.

is Dolores. You're a brilliant editor, and you're crazy about me. Got it. And

just so you're clear, it's $500 for two hours, $100 more for changing my name,

and I don't think you can afford me being crazy about you.

Another thing, I want you to mention he's a great novelist. Don't press

Flaubert.

Yon.

Conrad.

Yon. Thomas Hardy.

Massive yawn.

What are you talking about? Hardy wrote some incredibly uplifting prose.

Sure, he's a meliorist, but his heroes are hopelessly flawed and emotionally

castrated. Meliorist?

Yeah. Where'd you go to college?

Hooker U.

Dartmouth.

Dartmouth. No wonder you're so expensive.

B -11.

Father? I have to genuflect to get a drink around here.

Forgive her, Father.

She knows not where she is.

Most of the time, actually.

Hey, that's Zoe's jacket.

Excuse me, where did you get that jacket?

Zoe gave it to me. She told me to give it to the blonde control freak and her

friend.

Are you really a transsexual?

Actually, I'm on a waiting list.

You're probably wondering where Zoe is right now.

Less with every passing minute.

It'll cost you five dollars.

Spill it, you old bingo trash.

She's at the big freeze on the Santa Monica Pier.

Thank you. Now, can I please have Zoe's jacket?

In your dreams, blondie.

to take it off me. Ladies, please.

Ben 31!

Bingo!

Please! Please!

Please!

You're in the house of the Lord.

And we have to finish the bingo before we can start the roulette.

There's too many interruptions.

Not Sybil Hall? No. She went to a party with Zoe.

1188 Oak Street, Burbank.

I could go over there with you. All I was doing was homework.

No, no, no. Knowledge is power.

You stick with your studies, you're going to go all the way.

Let's hope.

What a conscientious kid.

Yeah, I started out that way, too.

I suppose you think this is very funny.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Thank you.

What exactly have I done wrong?

Oh, now I remember.

I'm sharing a sundae with my boyfriend at dun, dun, dun, 8 .30 at night.

Sure, twist it around and make it sound like it's nothing.

You're grounded. You went out. End of story.

Come on, kid, let's go cut a rug. Well, I don't dance.

Who said anything about dancing?

You'd feel good about yourself.

I'd feel a whole lot better if you'd brought me my jacket.

Why should I?

After you led me around by the nose all night.

I was making a point.

What? That you love and respect me and can't wait till Mother's Day?

No, that you can't keep me under your thumb like you did when I was 12.

Well, at least when you were 12, you acted like an adult.

You want to know why I did this? Hey, I shoved I -17 up a priest's nose. What do

you think that's going to do for me in the afterlife?

to me and that was the problem I wanted to explain why I bailed Nina out but you

didn't give me the chance and since I couldn't tell you what jerks her parents

were I had to send you there to see for yourself okay maybe I should

have let you explain I'm sorry and I'm sorry about that eternal

damnation thing

When you stop doing childish and vindictive things like this, I'll start

treating you like an adult.

But no matter how old you are, as long as you're living at my house, you have

live by my rules.

Mom, when are you going to stop quoting that bad after -school special you did

with the Olsen twins?

You laugh, but those two kids could buy and sell us both.

I better go rescue Sean.

I can tell by that look in his eyes that he's gone to that quiet place in his

head.

To us, he's dancing.

But to him, he's riding a unicorn.

May I cut in?

Oh,

that's not what you meant.

I have never been so terrified in my entire life.

Then the unicorn thing didn't help.

Sunday looks good.

I gotta move.

and find out about this.

Oh, Sybil, what a coincidence.

Hello, Ira. She said not at all surprised and a little irritated.

This is Dolores, you know, the editor I told you about. See, she's real.

Nice to meet you, Dolores.

We were just having the most stimulating conversation about Thomas Hardy.

Hardy, you need a fat one?

I think it's fascinating the way he balances an essential optimism with a

profound belief in the perversity of fate.

Yeah. I like that one where they try to get the piano up the steps.

See, Sybil, we have this kind of conversation all the time. Don't we,

Constantly. I'm going to give this jacket to Zoe. I had to buy 200 bingo

just to get it back.

Well, Iris certainly found himself quite a woman.

She's beautiful and extremely intelligent.

I'll say.

The last hooker he tried to impress me with kept quoting Danielle Steele.