Original subtitles

Thank you, John.

Well, Oscar night is always electrifying, and after the show, it

get any hotter than at LaTrek restaurant here in Beverly Hills. The winners, the

losers, the stars, and celebrities all gather here for the most exclusive post

-Oscar bash in town.

Looks like Dennis Oliver is arriving. Let's see if we can get an interview

him. Dennis?

Hi, can I talk to you for a minute? Yeah, Lisa, hi.

How are you doing?

Good, thanks. I know you presented the award for Best Makeup tonight, but it

hasn't been that long ago since you yourself were a Best Actor nominee.

So you know the emotion of Oscar night as well as anyone. Oh, I sure do, Lisa.

But, you know, when all is said and done, what's really important is the

You know, I mean, awards are nice, but I try and aim for the kind of performance

that I'll feel comfortable with and proud.

For instance, I've got a new film coming out right now called The Bad.

which might be just the best work I've ever done.

And if it doesn't make a dime at the box office, I'll still be proud of it.

Well, good luck with that, Dennis. Hope it works out. All right.

December 12th. Theaters everywhere.

The back.

He hasn't lost his boyish charm, has he?

And ladies, if you were hoping to land him, let me tell you about your

competition tonight.

Dennis is accompanied by... It's here somewhere.

Yes, here it is.

Model, actress, Cheryl Serafin.

I didn't get a chance to introduce you to Lisa.

Oh, that's okay. While you were talking to her, I found 50 cents on the floor.

Dennis.

Remember me?

Rob Norman William Morris. Oh, sure.

Rob, this is Sybil Sheridan. Hi. So, Dennis, are you happy with your

representation? Very.

But you really ought to be talking to Sybil. She's a very talented actress

going to make some agent a lot of money. No kidding. So what have you done?

Well, right now I'm doing an episode of LA Justice.

It's a good show. What are you playing?

You're a number eight.

Uh -huh.

And, uh, I was a semi -regular on Family House.

It's a sitcom.

And, um, I was a guest star on Star Trek, a guest alien, really, lizard

Uh -huh.

And I was a can -do girl from Carter Supermarkets, remember?

Can -do!

Interesting. So, Dennis, give me a call sometime.

Hey! Good to see you.

You're welcome.

I'm sorry we didn't get to spend more time together.

Well, that's okay. While you were hobnobbing with Streep and Redford, I

having a nice chat with Billy Crystal's mother.

Well, as long as you had a good time.

Do you mind if I use your bathroom?

No, not at all.

It's right down that hall.

Don't, uh, go away.

I won't.

But you will.

Because he's shallow and self -centered, he ignored me all night long.

He's even pulling the old, can I use your bathroom routine.

He'll be out here any second with his jacket off, hinting about a nightcap.

I'll call you after I kick him out.

Well, good night.

Good night?

Don't you want a nightcap?

Oh, thank you, but I've got to be on the set early tomorrow. I've got to get my

beauty sleep.

But I will call you.

Hello?

Marianne, would you believe he left before I had a chance to kick him out,

thoughtless jerk?

How's the doorbell?

What do you want to bet that's him?

A hundred thousand dollars.

We're out there spying on us in the bushes.

be out in the bushes when I can sit comfortably in my Mercedes with my new

vision goggles.

That's it. I'm taking away your sharper image catalog.

I caught your ear on TV tonight.

Pretty exciting, huh? I'm hoping it gets its own series.

You know, I had a lot more fun last year watching the Oscars on TV with you. Oh,

that was fun. Throwing olives at the screen whenever we saw fashion faux pas.

I think we emptied a whole jar on Geena Davis alone.

The woman should not wear green.

She looked like a seven -foot stalk of asparagus.

It's sad to think I'll probably never go to the Oscars except if someone else

is, yeah. Sybil, you can't think like that. A lot of the world's great artists

lived and died in penniless obscurity only to be discovered years later.

How many of them were actors?

Well, perhaps this doesn't apply then.

More vodka. Yeah, I'm not done.

You know, those movie stars aren't better actors than me. They're just

playing the Hollywood game.

All that schmoozing, backstabbing, and fucking up.

And then they get rewarded for it.

It's a wonder you're not bitter.

It is, isn't it?

You know, I spent my whole life honing my craft, learning to be an artist. If I

was going to play a lizard woman, I wanted to be the best lizard woman there

ever was.

You were a magnificent lizard woman.

Convincingly reptilian.

I was, wasn't I?

Two artists everywhere.

Who don't sell out. May they live in destitution and anonymity for all time.

Hear, hear.

Feel better?

No. Oh, it's worth a little television.

That'll cheer you up.

No problem.

How come she has to leave so early? She's doing extra credit work at the

library. Really?

I guess that buckle -down speech I gave her had some effect.

Yeah, that must be it.

You know, she's been working really hard. We should both be proud of her.

I'm proud of you.

Saw you on TV last night.

Very impressive.

Very funny.

Pretty thrilling life, going to the Oscars, dating a big movie star.

Eh, it was okay.

Okay? Wasn't he People Magazine's sexiest man alive? I mean... That was a

ago. But he seems pretty well preserved. You know, for guys getting up there.

Ira, he's your age.

That's all?

Then he doesn't look so good.

Can we talk about something else?

Sure. So, you sleep with him?

None of your business.

You did, didn't you?

You made me wait six months, but then again, I didn't have a Golden Globe

All right, Ira, you really want to know?

We started right in the limousine, cruising down Sunset Boulevard with my

out the sunroof and one leg out each window. That's enough. I heard enough.

way. Don't you want to hear about the water slide that goes right from his

bedroom to the hot tub? Zoe, you're going to be late for your first class.

My first class is homeroom. I've already learned how to say here.

Cute. Hey, that's a new look.

What's the occasion?

It's dress like Marsha Clark Day at school. Let's go.

She's pulling my leg, right?

Yeah. Uh -huh.

Leg pull.

Bye. Bye.

Don't believe this.

Marianne, wake up.

Huh?

Oh, good, I'm indoors.

Look at this.

Look at what?

This, in the paper.

Give me a second.

Here it comes.

You'd think it could be more original.

I can't believe this. That sleazy, squirming, disgusting piece of... Oh,

They mentioned me!

Just hours earlier, Oliver attended the Oscars with actress Sybil Sheridan. Aw,

they spelled Sybil wrong.

Oh, what a shame when you're linked to a Hollywood sex scandal. You really want

them to get your name right.

That's right.

I'm linked to a sex scandal. I can't remember the last time I had sex.

Hello? What's that?

No, I have no comment on Dennis Oliver, no.

No comment.

No comment.

Why don't I have a comment?

I have no comment why I have no comment.

I have a comment.

Shut up.

By the way, there's two L's in Sybil. C, no, not S.

C -Y -B -I -L -L.

They finally spelled your name right.

William Hookers? And you told me you were going to San Diego.

No, Mom, none of it is true.

I swear.

Okay, if I ever do really sleep with President Clinton, I promise I'll get

an autographed picture.

Mom, I can't hear you.

It's TV helicopters.

They've been circling my house all day.

Sybil, look who's on TV.

Mom, I'll have to call you back later.

But we did find someone who... What's willing to talk about Dennis' spurned

lover?

I was Sybil Sheridan's first husband. We were married about 25 years ago.

Oh, no.

I gotta admit, I slept around on her. Quite a bit, as a matter of fact.

But I want to go on record. I never went out and paid for it.

Yeah, I only went out and begged for it.

This is humiliating. Yeah, now everyone knows you were married to him. This

isn't my fault. I didn't do anything wrong.

All I did was go on a bad date in a rented dress. It's simple, darling.

joined the ranks of women throughout history who have suffered for the

of the men in their lives.

Yeah, I suppose so.

Pat Nixon.

Princess Di.

Mrs. Hitler.

I'm not talking to any of you. And if you touch my car again, I'm going to put

this baby down and beat you senseless.

Mother!

Just when I thought it couldn't get worse. I'm right behind you, pal.

I need to talk to you. Sure, honey. What's new?

Do you know what happened today at Mommy and Me class?

All the babies got into a little circle, and nobody wanted to put their baby

next to William. There he was, propped up against a stuffed cookie monster,

ostracized, and do you know why?

Because his grandma does nudie movies!

What? I do not.

Oh, yeah, that.

First of all, Rachel, this was 25 years ago.

And second of all, it wasn't a nudie movie. It was an art film, and it was

one scene on a diving board.

What about all the other stories?

They're not true.

You can't believe everything you read.

Oh, look, Liz and Larry getting back together.

Mother, you've got to put a stop to this. I tried, but I can't reach Dennis,

everything I say to the press just makes it worse.

I told you no comment.

Leave me alone.

Now, what's Ira doing here?

And get out of that tree.

Do you know your neighbor rented out her gazebo to hard copy? That's just not

right. Don't come to me for candles next time there's a big earthquake.

Miss, I had a call from Zoe's principal. She wants to meet with us this

afternoon. Oh, no. I was worried this would affect her schoolwork. You talked

her about it? Of course I did.

Bet there's a lowlife scum reporter telling her, crawl back under his rock.

Crawl back under your rock, you lowlife scum.

It's your mother again.

Get the shoe fit.

So sorry to keep you waiting. The damn metal detector jammed again.

I want to thank you both for coming in on such short notice. No trouble at all.

We're just very concerned about Zoe. I know she's upset about all the stuff

that's been printed about me. No, no, no. This is about something else

Were either of you aware that Zoe's been absent 17 days this semester?

17? You know, Sybil, I understand you don't track the Jewish holidays, but

on. If she tells you they're two a week, you should be a little suspicious.

Hey, I know the Jewish holidays. Just as well as you, Mr. Ham and Cheese.

The problem is when she's at your house, there's no discipline because you're so

busy being her pal.

What? I'm not her pal. She barely tolerates me. She likes you better. She

not. Excuse me.

Attention, please.

I'm sorry. We're sorry. You see, we're... We're divorced, actually.

Yes, I know, and I applaud the decision.

Now, if we could get back to the problem at hand. Sure. Right.

Your daughter broke into the computer system to add her name to a list of

district substitute teachers.

Why? For the past two months, she's been teaching sixth grade in Sherman Oaks.

We never would have caught her if she hadn't used her real social security

number to get paid.

She got paid?

Over $3 ,000, and she just got a raise because her class's test scores went up.

Hey, that's great.

Come on, wouldn't you be proud?

You can understand how this would be a little embarrassing for us.

Gee, I think it would be hugely embarrassing.

We're prepared to overlook the truancy. And we're even willing to let Zoe keep

the money. All we ask in return is that you please make her stop teaching

without a license.

She accumulated any pension funds?

We accept.

Way to negotiate.

Good. Well, now that that's out of the way,

I was wondering if I could just bring up one other thing.

It's about those tabloid stories.

You know, the Hollywood sex orgies?

Those are all lies.

I provide a very wholesome environment for Zoe.

I'm sure you do.

Anyway, I was thinking that perhaps the three of us could get together some

evening to discuss it.

Over drinks.

At my place.

Maybe we'll take a rain check on them.

Come on, Ira.

Sybil, let the woman speak.

Come on, Ira.

Hey,

you were the ones who told me to get a job if I wanted a car.

Yeah, a job, Zoe. Something with a paper hat.

Fine, I'll quit.

But somebody's gonna... I have to call 27 kids and tell them why their field

trip to Planet Hollywood has been canceled.

That's easy.

Your teacher had to finish high school.

And you're not using that money to buy a car. You're putting it in your college

fund. I can't believe you're treating me like a criminal. That's the point, Zoe.

You are a criminal.

But we still love you.

Did you ever think you'd be punishing your daughter for teaching elementary

school? No. Why can't she shoplift like normal kids?

any idea what I've been going through, and not just me, my whole family. I want

an explanation.

No, you can't come here. The reporter's outside.

Okay, I'll meet you in half an hour. Bye.

I can't believe you're gonna see this guy.

He's the only one who can tell the press I haven't done anything wrong.

Well, good luck trying to meet him without those reporters following you.

you're right.

I'm gonna need some kind of distraction.

She owes me big.

Oh, look.

Agent 99.

Wait, don't tell me. The movie star with the floppy hat and the silly

sunglasses?

Could we be a little discreet here?

Of course. Follow me.

Nobody look.

Sybil.

Thanks for coming. You've got some explaining to do, buddy boy.

What the hell were you doing with the hooker when you could have had me?

I could have had you.

Not in a million years.

You weren't even enough of a gentleman to wait till I threw you out.

I'm going to level with you.

The whole thing was a setup.

Oh, please. You were framed.

Not even an L .A. jury would believe that. No, but what happened was... Hang

Marianne.

Sybil, what a surprise.

How'd you know I was here?

Ira runs like a boy.

All right, scruffy.

Let's hear it.

Who's this?

My best friend. And a big fan of yours, too.

Hey, now back to the setup.

What are you saying? Somebody snuck into your limousine and placed this poor

woman on your lap?

That poor woman just got a talk show of her own.

But I set myself up to get busted. What?

All right, it was my agent's idea.

My movie's coming out next month. This is like a million dollars worth of free

publicity. And all it cost you was 60 bucks? How insane you is.

Mary Ann, whose side are you on? Sorry, Charlie.

Bad movie style.

Okay, you got yourself arrested to promote your movie. But why did you lie

the tabloids about me?

Well, the hooker thing has run its course.

You brought a fresh angle to it.

Oh. Shall I hold him down while you bludgeon him? Oh, come on.

You've got to admit, this has been good for you, too. Now everybody knows your

name. Oh, yeah, my name is Mud, and not the good Mud, either, but the kind you

wrestle in.

Now, you listen to me. This is what you're going to do.

You're going to hold a press conference and tell them this is all a big scam and

that I had nothing to do with it.

Hello? Sybil, haven't you been listening? Come on, this is good for

In fact, I tipped off a photographer that we were going to reconcile here

If we put on a good show, I think we can play this thing out for at least

another month.

Hello? Are you listening to me?

I don't want to play.

Marianne? Can I have your autograph?

Marianne, you make me sick.

Come on, babe.

He's right by the bar.

Just a goodbye kiss.

Good.

I think I found your next opponent.