Original subtitles

Quasimodo. That's probably wrong.

Cut. I know. I got it. Not Quasimodo. Quadrant. Boy, you smell yummy.

So when are we going out?

When's hell freeze over?

Come on. What's wrong with me? I'm just not your type.

You need somebody more inflatable.

Have I told you you have magnificent breasts?

Action.

on a traffic accident.

Possible intracranial breasts.

God, Sybil.

I'm sorry.

Thanks a lot.

Ever made it on a gurney?

Just shut up and lie there.

What a coincidence.

That's what I was going to ask you to do.

Jay, I've got a bedpan and I'm not afraid to use it.

Oh, come on.

Hey, hands off.

Cut. That's perfect, Sybil. Dang.

That's a wrap, Jay.

Jay?

work today?

Not bad.

Jay Thomas asked me out.

Then I whacked him with a bedpan.

And you wonder why you're home on the weekend.

I'm thinking about giving up dating.

I can't remember the last time I was with a man and actually felt something.

What about that guy who had a hook for a hand?

That's not what I'm talking about. Hey, don't knock that guy. I always had a

place to hang my coat.

I'm talking about chemistry.

Zing. Zing? Zing? There's no zing anymore.

Oh, well, if you want zing, maybe it's time I introduced you to David. Not

unless David's a new flavor of ice cream.

David Whittier, Jr., one of my divorce attorneys and a dear friend.

He's smart, successful, cute.

Then why don't you date him? I can't. He's afraid of me.

He saw what I did to Dr. Dick.

Then I definitely passed.

Come on, I went out with that nimrod you fixed me up with. Well, you're a fool.

Don't you trust my judgment?

All right, then. I'm forced to resort to the dreaded Chinese margarita torture.

Rip.

Rip.

Rip. It's not going to work, Marianne. I am not going out with some boring

divorce lawyer.

The most difficult part of being a divorce lawyer is to put aside my

Mental note.

Kill Marianne.

I mean, it's hard not to empathize with both sides in order to be an advocate

for one.

But then I stop and think, hey, only one side is paying me, so what do I care?

If he puts on chapstick one more time, I'm going to scream.

You know, I was kind of surprised you picked this restaurant. We bring clients

here all the time.

Uh -oh.

He's waiting for me to say something.

That's funny.

It is?

It was just the way you told it.

Thanks.

As a matter of fact, our firm is having a big party here tomorrow night to

celebrate our 30th anniversary.

Oh, no.

You're going to ask me to go with him? Think fast.

Need an excuse.

Cousin's wedding.

Cooking class.

Bone marrow transplant?

Anyway, I'd be really thrilled if you'd come with me. Yeah. Bone marrow.

That would work.

Terrific.

No!

Oh, why'd you do that? After 30 years of dating, you know when there's zing, and

this guy is zingless.

Oh, hey, look who's here.

Dad. Oh, great.

He's already introducing me to his family.

Sybil, I want you to meet my father.

David Whittier, senior.

It's a pleasure.

Zing!

Wakey, wakey, baby.

Yes, David. Now.

Marianne!

Hello.

What are you doing here?

I came over to ask how it went with David last night, but I think you were

to show me.

Marianne, it's 6 a .m. Oh, well, you know what they say.

Early to bed, early to rise.

Something, something, something.

So tell me everything. Did you like him? Did he like you? Did you talk about me?

No, I thought about you.

Oh, I knew you would like him. I'm so glad I could do this for you. When are

going to see him again?

Well, I said I'd go to his law firm party.

Oh, wonderful. I'm going, too.

Oh, good.

We don't get to see enough of each other.

By the way, I met David's father last night.

Uh -huh. He's the senior partner of the firm. So what are you going to wear?

Uh, what do you know about him?

About who?

David's father.

The man practically lives at the office.

Hasn't done anything but work since his wife died.

His wife is dead?

Great! I know exactly what you mean.

Is it that obvious?

Well, when you and David Jr. get married, you won't have any mother -in

problems, you sly dog.

Marianne?

Oh, in here!

I thought we were going for breakfast.

forgot you were waiting.

Sybil, I'd like you to meet Tony Bennett.

Tony Bennett.

I love you.

Thank you. My mother loves you. My daughter loves you and she hates

Well, MTV, go figure.

We headed a little soiree celebrating his new album. A salute to women

I'm in bed with Tony Bennett.

Tony. Yes. Do it for her.

I just met her.

You want to go back and wait in the car?

I left my heart in San Francisco.

I'm doing a duet with Tony Bennett.

It calls to me.

Gee,

Dad, thanks a lot. That was fun.

Hi, you two. How was the auto show?

Big thrill.

Our daughter's mad because I won't buy her a car.

Then why take me to an auto show? If I were hypoglycemic, would we go to a

festival?

Zoe, why does everything we do together have to do with me buying you something?

Because I'm a child of divorce and you're riddled with guilt, remember?

Here's a buck. Go away.

I'm a child of divorce, too.

Thanks.

Hey, you look nice. Got a date?

Yeah. One of Marianne's lawyers.

Oh, scraping the bottom of the barrel.

You want to start comparing dates?

No truce. I give. You win.

Oh, Ira, speaking of dating, have you ever found yourself really attracted to

older woman?

Well, let's see.

Oh, it was my fourth grade teacher, Miss Gringold.

I used to fantasize about her naked at the blackboard, clapping the erasers.

No, no, no. What I mean is...

Clapping the erasers?

I was nine. What did I know about sex?

Oh, I don't mean when you were a kid. I mean now.

Now? Gringold would be like 80 now.

Ira,

you are not the person to be talking to about this. Want me to lie that I'm into

older women? Okay, how's this? Barbara Bush, ha -cha -cha.

Goodbye, Ira.

Bella Abzug, schwing.

What's the deal? You attracted to some older guy?

Were you eavesdropping?

Yes.

Believe me, relationships with older men never work out.

How would you know?

You want the truth?

I don't think so.

Well, there comes a point when you realize that one day you'll be 16 and

be 30.

I said I didn't think so.

I remember the exact moment I decided to become a lawyer.

I had just flunked out of medical school.

Dark, bashful, sleepy, sneezy, grumpy, dopey.

Rumaki?

No, that's not it.

I'm sorry.

Oh, thank you.

I hate Rumaki.

Why am I standing here eating something I don't like with Mr. Wax Lips?

I should just be honest. I should just say, David, you're a very nice man, but

this isn't working out.

David, you're a very nice man. Thanks. I think you're wonderful.

Help me! Help me!

Oh, there's the perfect couple. You two look stunning together.

I really have to thank you for introducing us, Marianne. Sybil is not

beautiful and witty, she's also a great listener.

Dancer Prancer.

Listen.

Just promise you'll name your firstborn after me.

If it's a girl, Marianne. If it's a boy, Marianne.

I'll pay for the therapy.

You'll pay, all right.

How about a drink?

God, yes.

Be right back if I can just get through to the bar. Oh, leave it to me. Excuse

us. Ebola virus coming through.

Okay. First a drink, then I'll be honest.

Maybe two drinks.

Okay, three drinks, be honest, and go home. Evening.

Well, maybe not right home.

Hello.

It's always such a pleasure to see one of my son's clients.

Zing, zing, zing with my heart strings.

I'm not familiar with your case.

Simple divorce?

Why not?

Moving on with your life, good for you.

Good for me.

I don't want you to worry about a thing.

He touched me.

I promise you I will see to it that all the resources of our firm are devoted to

making certain you receive everything you're entitled to. He put his hand in

mine and then he touched me.

I promise you we'll nail that bastard to the wall.

Nail away.

Here's my very favorite.

Okay. What do you have? Well, you got six lawyers buried up to their neck in

sand. Not enough sand.

I give up.

Not enough sand.

You have the sweetest laughs.

He likes to snort.

What a sweet thing to say.

I wonder what would happen if I just jumped him right here.

I know this is a bit sumptuous, but I'm enjoying your company so much. I wonder,

would you consider having dinner with me sometime?

I'd love to. The only problem is the sun.

The only problem is my son.

Wow.

Pardon?

What do you mean?

Well, he doesn't approve of my dating.

In his eyes, no woman can live up to the memory of his mother.

Oh, I understand. Hey, why don't we just not tell him?

I couldn't ask you to lie.

Sure you can.

Who am I kidding?

Junior will find out eventually.

Especially after I give birth to his half -brother.

And if you don't mind being discreet... Discreet?

Tuesday? Tuesday.

Call me.

Okay.

Oh, my.

David Jr.

is quite taken with you. I haven't seen him so happy since he stopped the

medication.

Medication? You mean like vitamins?

No, like antidepressants, mood regulators, tranquilizers.

All at once?

After his wife left him for another man. He had a teensy -weensy nervous

breakdown. He had a breakdown?

He set me up with a guy that had a breakdown?

Only because he was betrayed by the woman he loved.

You would never do that.

No, of course not.

You didn't tell my father about us dating, did you? No.

Why, did you?

Well, I put our dinner on my expense account, and he's kind of touchy about

sort of thing, so I kind of let him think that you were a client.

Client. Good idea.

So... Here we are.

Yep. Here we are.

Listen, I'd like to invite you in, but my daughter Zoe has a terrible flu.

And I don't want to disturb her.

Oh.

Okay, I understand. Next time.

I'll call you. Okie dokie. Good night.

Hey, Mom. You're home early.

Hi, I'm Zoe.

What are you doing out of bed, young lady?

My God, you're burning up. You march right upstairs this minute.

Sorry, Mom.

Kids.

Thanks. No problem.

What are you doing?

chapstick you know it's midnight yes please tell me why you weren't home by

first tell me what that scene on the porch was all about good night

love that lives

Something tells me you can.

No, no, no.

I can do it.

It's just that... Would you take a drive with me?

Kinky? How big's your back seat?

You don't understand.

Before our relationship can go any further, there's something I gotta do.

Muriel?

I'd like you to meet someone very special to me.

Her name is Sybil.

Hi, Muriel.

Don't get up.

I know this sounds kind of crazy, but I was married to the woman for a very long

time, and I just have to tell her about us.

I understand.

Yeah? Yeah.

I've always loved you, Muriel, and I always will.

But I know you'd want me to find happiness if I could, and Sybil makes me

happy.

I'll never forget you.

But I think it's time for me to move along.

Okay?

It's okay.

We can go back to the hotel now.

Your father's going to be just fine. Sybil!

Marianne! What are you doing here?

David and I were going over Dr. Dick's 1982 tax returns.

Wait, what are you doing here?

Yeah, what are you doing here?

Me?

Well, it's the most amazing story.

I was driving past the cemetery and all of a sudden, I don't know, I must have

driven over a nail. Blam! I get a flat tire.

So I figure I'm an actress.

Someday...

to act walking through a cemetery at night. So I walked through the cemetery

night. And guess who I ran into?

My father.

Small world, huh?

He says hi.

I say hi.

He grabs his chest and falls on the ground and... That's it.

Sybil, you know what I think?

I'm afraid I do.

If that nail was on cemetery property, you can sue.

Mr. Whittier.

I'd like to be for a minute. Oh, he's going to be okay, isn't he? He'll be

Good thing I was there, huh?

What's that I smell?

Load of crap.

Yes, that's it.

It's rather overpowering.

You and David's father?

Mm -hmm.

Doing it on his wife's grave?

Of course you were. You lied to me. Sybil, you lied to David.

You carried on behind our backs.

Oh, what a tangled web you wove.

I know.

I'm so ashamed.

Had you fooled, though, huh?

Don't worry. The doctor said it was only a mild attack of angina. And your son

doesn't suspect a thing. I made up this ridiculous story about a flat tire.

Doesn't matter.

I can't see you anymore.

What? I'm not normally a superstitious man, but that was more than just a mild

attack of angina out there.

That was a sign.

Muriel isn't happy with our relationship.

Muriel isn't happy? Muriel's dead.

You said so yourself.

Doesn't matter.

Dead or alive, she's a mean, spiteful woman.

Frankly, I'm scared.

Maybe if you got to know me.

I'm really a nice person.

Ask any of my dead relatives.

Ariel, I promise to treat him right. I'll make sure he visits often. Hey,

even throw in a nice eternal flame.

Would you like that?

Never mind!

And you can get it if you try Trolling with that one girl Sighing sigh

after sigh Nice work if you can get it And you can get it if you try Now just

imagine someone Waiting at the cottage door When two hearts become one

Who could have

Work if you can get it, and you can get it.