Original subtitles

Yes? Hey, y 'all, I'm Debbie Dunn, your new neighbor.

Can I speak to the man of the house?

Oh, you mean this?

Oh, well, this isn't mine. This is, uh... Why is it always me?

It's not Shakespeare, but it's kind of cute for what it is, right?

Oh, wait, Rach, I'll give you a hand.

The audience really seemed to like it. They were laughing and laughing.

Oh, of course they were, dear. It was very entertaining.

It was, wasn't it?

Sort of a heartwarming, feel -good kind of show.

Cute, frothy. Sybil, I was being polite.

Don't you want to see if little Billy finds his mouse?

A lot of jobs for actresses my age. I have to take what I can get and do the

best I can. I didn't see it. How could you not see it? It was my first network

sitcom. I told you it was on a week ago. I taped it. Don't watch it. It wasn't

very good.

Dom Perignon.

Oh, Ira, you shouldn't have. It was only a guest shot.

It's not for your sitcom.

Actually, we both have things to celebrate.

His book's being made into a movie. Your book? That's great. TV movie?

No, movie movie.

Is there a star attached?

Anthony Hopkins.

Oh. I adore him. That's what I said. Hello.

This is my news.

Well, you shouldn't have told me, Mr. Braggy Man.

That's incredible.

I know.

They're sending me to London.

You're kidding.

I'm supposed to meet with Anthony Hopkins next Monday. Oh, my God. One

expenses paid.

Wow. And I'd really love you to come with me. You're kidding. London,

Palace, Big Ben, shopping at Harrods? So you'll go?

I didn't say that.

What's the problem?

We were going to take it slow. It's a big step.

No, it's not. We went to Italy when we were married. We fought the entire time.

They ate late there. We were crabby.

I just need some time to think about it, all right?

Am I or am I not throwing a party Friday night?

You am.

And is it or is it not the first party I've thrown since my divorce?

It is. So if Dr.

Dick, the fat, hairy walrus...

coincidentally decided to throw a party the same night, inviting all our mutual

friends, would I or would I not be completely justified in any action I

Don't tell me anymore, Marianne. I may be forced to testify against you.

Is that enough that after the divorce he took... Well, I took just about

everything. But I will not allow him to take my friends.

Marianne, that's $20 a glass. At least taste it.

Great hostess. Your party's going to be a big success.

It's not enough that my party succeed.

His must fail.

Well, maybe it will, all by itself, and you won't have to do anything.

Now, the first thing we need is a swarm of killer bees.

London, huh?

Yeah. I did some stunt work in a James Bond film there.

Lost a chunk of my little toe in Trafalgar Square.

Well, if I decide to go, I'll keep an eye out for it.

Oh, Mary wants to know if you're coming to her party Friday night.

Oh, jeez. Well, tell her I said thanks, but I got this little thing I gotta do.

Bring her.

No, me and a couple guys put together a band.

Friday night's our first gig.

Oh, Jeff, you're singing again. That's wonderful.

No big deal.

You know, something we're doing for grins.

Appaloosa Club, North Hollywood. Five dollar cover, but parking's free.

and come after the party. Well, thanks.

Hey. Hey.

Oh, Sybil, I caught your new sitcom.

What do you think? Honestly.

I can see why you want to leave the country.

Beat it.

You're leaving the country?

Maybe. Your dad's invited me to go to London with him.

Is this about his movie?

Yes, it is.

But before I make the decision, I want to know how you feel about it.

Am I going to?

No. Can I stay here alone while you're gone?

No.

Then why are we having this conversation?

Because we've all gotten used to the way things are since the divorce, and this

could lead to a lot of changes.

I want to make sure you're okay with that.

Listen, if you two decide to get back together, that's fine with me. If you

don't, that's fine, too.

You sure that's really how you feel?

Yeah, you should do whatever makes you happy.

Besides, in a couple of years... I'll be out of here making a fortune selling

black market computer chips in Eastern Europe.

Oh, right, I forgot.

Mom, thanks for asking.

Sure.

Elspieta, darling, I said the flowers go on the dining room table.

Oh, no. No, no.

These flutes are all spotty. We can't have spotty flutes.

Work with me.

Door.

Puerta.

Hello? Am I the only one who heard that? Hello?

Hello?

Oh, for God's sake.

Okay, I'm here. What can I do to help? Nothing. Everything's under control.

So why'd you ask me to come over so early? Your party doesn't start for two

hours. Yes, but Dr. Dix is already underway.

Oh, no. Come on. No.

Oh, don't be a fuddy -duddy. We're just gonna... Pour 20 pounds of Jell -O into

a swimming pool.

While we're at it, why don't we put Limburger cheese in his air conditioning

ducts?

Yeah, yeah, you're the best.

Now let's see what grad bastard friends of mine showed up at Dr. Dick's party.

Can't we just leave the cheese and go? Can't we, huh? Can't we? Look at that.

Elaine and Lyle Wagner are here. How could they?

I'm godmother to their son.

Mary Ann, we don't have time for this. Come on, let's spit on them. No.

What's that?

My phone.

Your phone?

You brought a phone, are you insane?

You're making too much noise. We said that when I brought the phone.

Hello?

Hold on. Let me see if she's here.

Are you in for your agent?

My agent?

Arthur, what's up?

No, this is a good time.

Three more episodes? You're kidding.

They want me back on the sitcom.

They can't force you, can they?

Shush. Of course, make the deal. I need the work.

Monday? I've got to go to England on Monday.

Oh, no. No, okay. No, no, no. Tell them I'll be there.

Right? Sure. Here, put this on. I mean, it's only three episodes, but if the

character takes off, I could be a regular.

Uh -huh.

Now, as soon as I uncover the Limburger, we crawl backward into the laundry

room. They may even spin me off into my own series, looking for a year. True,

true. Here we go.

A few swans in the pool, nothing to it.

Sniff my hair. Does it smell like cheese?

No. How about me?

No.

What?

It's an American custom.

Have you told Captain Sobis about London yet? How could I? He hasn't shut up

since he got here.

I don't know if there's one secret to great writing, but for me the key was...

getting beyond my own ego.

Ira, can I steal you away for a minute? One second. My book isn't just about a

failed marriage. It's a study of how we as a species simply cannot communicate.

Oh, look.

Refugees from Dr. Dick's party. I win.

You rotten, filthy, cum -sucking traitors.

wouldn't miss your party for the world.

Oh, I know that my ex was throwing a little wing ding tonight, too.

Oh, was he?

Oh, Marianne, we're your friends. You're the one we love.

I never do.

Hello.

Hello.

At first, I was dead set against writing the screenplay.

After all, I'm a novelist.

But, Tony, Excuse me, Sir Anthony Hopkins would not take no for an answer.

Excuse me, probably the studio.

Hello?

Ira, this is Sybil.

Sybil, where are you?

Near the dip.

Excuse me.

Very cute. You know that call cost me 70 cents?

I have to leave. I promised Jeff I'd go and hear him sing and I need to talk to

him. to you about London. Hey, did I tell you? I'm going to be interviewed on

the BBC.

That's great. Listen, you know that sitcom I'm on? Oh, yeah. Still haven't

chance to watch it yet. That's okay. They want me back, but I have to start

Monday. But we're leaving on Monday.

Ira, this would be a big break for me. Oh, come on, Sybil. It's a sitcom and

even a good one.

Why is it always me?

How banal can you get?

I thought you didn't watch it.

I lied.

I didn't want to hurt your feelings. How thoughtful of you.

You can't tell me to pass up a trip to London for that.

That happens to be my career.

This is exactly what happened when we were married. Your career always came

first, always put our relationship on hold.

That's not true.

What about that soap opera in New York? I could have worked on that for years,

but you wouldn't move because it's too noisy.

I'm a writer. I need quiet.

I'm an actor. I need work. And how come your career is more important than mine

because you're a man?

You know what the problem is, Sybil? You're jealous of my success.

Of course I'm jealous.

You're making a feature film with Anthony Hopkins, and I'm in a stupid...

career of my own, banal though it may be.

And even if I didn't have it, I wouldn't go anywhere with an arrogant windbag

who has some little respect for me or what I do.

Attention, everyone.

I just want to thank you all for choosing my party over my ex -husband's.

That's all I really wanted.

Enjoy your dinner.

Lock up when you're done.

girls and animals.

This next guy that's going to come up here and sing is an old dear friend of

mine.

He's done a lot of things for me.

Set himself on fire, jumped out of helicopters, taken punches.

Why? Because he's an idiot.

No, because he's a stuntman. One of the great ones. One of the great stuntmen.

As a matter of fact, he sings almost as good as he falls on his ass.

All right.

Put your hands together for Jeff Robbins.

and the Hollywood Cowboys.

Hey, Bert.

Never got paid for Cannonball Run.

Neither did I.

Sing. We both heard that coyote calling as we watched the

moon go down.

There was no reply, no answer to be found.

Oh, this looks like a lot more fun.

My party? Where's the mechanical bull?

You didn't have to leave.

You needed me.

Besides, I never liked those friends anyway.

Oh, look.

A bar!

Howling at the wind.

Howling at the wind.

Like crying in the rain.

We both know this has to end.

We both know it's...

Remember me?

Sure, I couldn't forget a beautiful lady like you. It was a weekend in Pasadena,

right? No, Sybil Sheridan, Jeff's ex -wife.

The bounty hunter.

That was his second ex -wife.

I'm sorry, sir.

It's been a bad year for me and the blondes.

I understand.

What are you drinking, bandit?

What are you drinking?

Tequila shooters.

Excuse me, I'm going to listen to Jeff.

Well, I'll try and stay with you. Oh, that shouldn't be too hard. I'm not much

of a drinker, but... I'll give it a try.

away like that? Oh yeah?

Sybil Sheridan.

This next song is an old favorite of ours and I'd like to dedicate it to my

girlfriend Chrissy. Stand up.

one is gone.

You know, you've got a bad attitude, partner.

Partner? What is that? Are we in business together?

Ira! No, this man's being silly.

This is North Hollywood, not the streets of Laredo.

Ira!

You're playing a game with the wrong guy, and you see this is Hal Needham.

Hal Needham, big famous stuntman.

What are you gonna do, Hal? Draw a fake punch at me?

Is this limp a friend of yours?

Hey! I'm not a wimp old timer.

Timer?

Don't say I didn't try to help you.

conversation now.

Would you rather go back out there?

No, I'm good.

Listen, I'm very happy for your success and I hope you have a great time in

London. This just isn't working.

Oh, come on.

I'm sorry.

I have been a little full of myself lately and I never should have said what

said about your show.

This is not about the show. The show sucks.

I need someone who can be supportive of me no matter what I'm doing.

Warden? Ira, we have been having the same fight over and over again since

What does that tell you?

We're a rut.

We're breaking up again, aren't we?

Can you look me in the eye and tell me things are ever going to be different?

Truthfully, no.

I've always loved you.

I'll always love you, too.

So, what do we do now?

You wouldn't have liked England anyway.

It's full of English people.

The only good thing about them is they hate the French.

It's still sad, though.

I guess Ira and I just weren't meant to be.

We've still got each other.

Yeah. We do.

There's a lot

more to life than killing yourself for a relationship.

It's family, the art, the quest for knowledge, spiritual pursuit.

Do you want to drive down to Mexico and get our butts tattooed?

Okay.