Original subtitles

More cocoa?

No, thanks.

Honey, is something bothering you?

It's just that I've been having a little problem with, well, you know.

Say no more.

You had it too? Every woman does once in a while. You know what I use?

Femma gel.

Femma gel.

Does it help the... Mm -hmm.

And that irritating... You bet.

Femigel, for that thing you just can't talk about.

Thanks.

What are moms for?

You're not just my mom.

You're my best friend.

You don't need to drive me to school anymore.

Come on. I thought it was very tastefully done, considering it's about,

know.

Is this a national commercial?

Yeah, why?

Oh, man, we can't even move to another state.

Yeah, but I get a whole page of the stuff for free. You can give it to all

friends. Wow.

Oh, I forgot to tell you. My boyfriend's coming down from San Francisco for the

weekend. Do you mind if he stays here?

Wait a minute.

You have a boyfriend?

Yeah. That's great.

Tell me all about him. What's his name? I knew this was going to turn into an

interrogation. It's not an interrogation. I'm just interested.

Forget it. I don't want to forget it. Come on, tell me about your boyfriend.

Please don't call him my boyfriend. He does have a name. But I don't know it.

Don't yell at me. I'm not yelling. Can he stay here or not? Yes!

Thank you, mother.

I'm not just your mother.

I'm your best friend.

Nice work if you can get it. And if you get it, won't you tell me

how?

What happened to your makeup case?

Nothing. It's just very expensive.

I don't want to risk traveling with it.

Are you sure mine's cheap enough?

Oh, yeah. It's not even real leather.

I bought some makeup. I got a free bag. Bite me.

So how are you and Bob getting to Reno?

We're flying.

On the wings of love.

Is that out of bourbon?

You know, I'm thinking if the weekend goes well, I'll ask Bob to move in with

me. And then who knows? A short engagement, a June wedding, a surrogate

to carry our child.

That's funny, surrogate mother.

Come on, Marianne, laugh with me. You're not laughing. How come you're not

laughing? Why should I laugh?

I love my Bob.

I know you love your Bob, but you've only known your Bob a month.

Simple when you're in love, you don't count the days.

You savor the moments.

Stop it, Mary Jane. You're turning into a bad Hallmark card.

Why can't you and Bob just keep dating? Take it slow. Try a little moderation in

your life.

Moderation? Interesting.

Let me consider it.

I'm going to kick your ass.

Hi.

Hi. This was in the porch. Great.

What's Femigel? It's for, uh, you know.

Nice.

You need a whole case? You okay?

I'm fine.

What do you want?

Oh, uh, I've been thinking about it.

Maybe it's better if Zoe's boyfriend slept at my house instead of here.

Why don't we just sit her down and tell her we don't trust her? We have, lots of

times. Maybe that's why she keeps things from us.

Ira, I don't want her to feel like she has to hide her life from me. Oh, I get

it. You want to be her friend.

What's wrong with that?

I used to love mothers like you. This is payback for all those nights I used to

sleep over in Stacy Glick's room after we got stoned with her mom.

Well, I'm not Stacy Glick's mom, and I'm not my mom. She tried to keep me away

from boys, and it didn't work.

We can make it work. We have the technology now.

Don't be silly.

My dad nailed my window shut and I still got out.

Met boys under the bleachers, at the drive -in, in the Salvation Army old

clothes bin. You did it in the Salvation Army bin? That's like a giant hamper.

It was raining.

Look, just give your boyfriend a chance. You haven't even met him.

Okay, fine.

What do you know about this kid? What's his name?

It's Greg. He used to go to school with me, then his family moved up to San

Francisco. His older brother, Scott, is driving him down for the weekend.

Okay, can I go?

No.

Zoe, I have some very deep concerns about what's going to happen here this

weekend. So, with no further ado, here's your mother to tell you about this.

Sybil? That was really pathetic.

Thank you.

Honey, I'm thrilled that you feel comfortable enough to invite Greg over

weekend. I, for one, can't wait to meet Greg.

Now, I know Annie's mom lets her boyfriend sleep in her room. What? Ira,

down. What kind of trappy little girls are you letting her run around with? I'm

not letting her run around with anyone.

You knew her friend was having sex?

A girl that ages no business having sex? That's why they have laws about these

things. Laws made by whom?

Middle -aged men who think they have the right to tell women what they can and

cannot do with their bodies?

Annie has the right to sleep with whomever she wants, wherever she wants,

whenever she wants. Right on, Mom.

Don't think this applies to you, Missy.

Look at what a hypocrite you are.

I'm a hypocrite? Who used to spend the night in Stacey Glick's bedroom?

I didn't say it was right.

Listen, you can't just say no, no, no over and over again. Sure I can. I don't

want my daughter rushing into something I'm not... she's not ready for. Excuse

me, just a little reminder, I'm here.

We know, honey.

I don't want her rushing either, but I do want her prepared.

If anybody's interested, I haven't had sex with Greg, and I don't intend to.

Well, that's a relief.

I'm surprised you believe her. I don't. I was just eluding myself, you mind?

Hey.

Who are you?

Hey, Mr. Wizard.

You've got your bag.

Oh, thanks.

Zoe, my brother Scott.

And your wallet.

And your shoes.

I'll pick you up tomorrow at noon, okay? That's both hands straight up.

Aren't you going to introduce us?

Must you embarrass me?

Zoe, nobody's got anything to be embarrassed about.

Hey, found the gel!

Guess you're starting to think about college, huh?

Nah, music.

Ooh, an aspiring musician.

Nah, roadie.

Ooh, an aspiring roadie.

Hi, bud. Yeah, my cousin was a roadie for Pearl Jam.

Sounded cool.

Airplanes, carry stuff, meet people.

Very nice. If your roadie plans don't work out, you can always be a sky cat.

A what?

Never mind.

Zoe, whatever you're getting back at us for, I apologize.

I was a roadie once. I had some great times.

Jeff, please don't help.

Oh, you have awesome teeth.

Thank you. What a sweet thing to say.

Yeah, a lot of old ladies have those yellow corn teeth. They're just looking

them.

So, Greg, how'd you and Zoe meet?

Uh, just hanging, you know. Oh, sure. That's how I met Zoe's mother.

Hanging.

So what do your parents do?

My dad works in this big office and my mom sells stuff.

Drugs?

Ira. What? I'm seeing a glimmer of an explanation here.

Don't alienate this boy, Ira.

He's an idiot. I want to alienate him.

This is very important to Zoe.

If I wrapped a dry cleaning bag around his head, I wonder if he'd have the good

sense to struggle.

He said I had awesome teeth.

Wonderful. I'll rent a hall, you hire the band.

Okay, he's an idiot, but they're not going to get married. They're just going

to... They're going to what, Sybil? They're just going to what?

They're going to breed our little red -haired, dumb -ass brody babies.

of them.

You're both overthinking this.

With kids, you just keep them off the street and tell them you love them.

It's simple. Look how well my daughter turned out.

You're taking credit for Rachel?

She's my daughter.

Yeah, technically.

Guys, don't go down that road. Excuse me.

I raised her since she was six years old.

I was there when she got her braces.

I took care of her when she had the chicken pox.

I was the one who drove her to the prom. You followed her to the prom.

As any good father would.

Yeah, well, who taught her how to swim?

Who taught her how to ski? So what? You did all the fun stuff. Fun stuff?

Who held her head when she got drunk for the first time and puked all over the

place? Who was the one who got her drunk?

It was her birthday.

Sybil, tell him. You were both good fathers.

Ira, you were a good father in an overbearing, neurotic way. And Jeff, you

a good father in a philandering, absent way. See? See?

Excuse me.

Baby on board?

Um, I break for animals.

No, Greg should rather you didn't smoke.

Oh, I thought we were playing the bumper sticker game.

Smoke outside.

Cool.

Oh, Zoe.

What? I really dated some losers in my time, but this guy, wow.

This is a cry for help, isn't it?

You may be right, Rach.

If I'm not careful, I'll wind up seven months pregnant, hiding from my husband

in my mother's house, eating everything that can't run away.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

What do you want, a medal for being a Disneyland dad?

No, but you can't take all the credit.

31 hours of labor, hello?

Just so happens I'm eating for two, Zoe.

Two, one, emerging nations. Hello?

Marianne? What? Where are you? Hey, I'm her father. I can't hear you. Rachel,

admit it. You don't like Kevin. Nobody likes Kevin. Don't do that.

What? He's lying, baby.

What? Shut up!

Listen to me. Don't you do anything until I get there.

You promise?

Good. I'm on my way.

I've got to fly to Reno and stop Marianne from getting married. Ira, can

keep an eye on things?

You don't need a fancy mirror.

You don't have to stay.

Bye.

Hey, Zoe.

When's he gonna go to sleep?

When I'm 35.

Whoa.

So, you kids need anything? Chips?

Soda? We're fine.

What you watching?

Television.

Good one.

What was?

I'll leave you two alone.

Hey, uh, where do I sleep?

Oh, you can sleep in Rachel's, over there.

One right next to yours?

Ha ha.

Greg will sleep right here. On the couch?

Hey, when I was married to your mother, I spent a lot of nights on this couch.

It's good enough for me, it's good enough for him.

If your parents had their own room, why'd they sleep on the couch?

No, what he meant was... Beats me.

You can see them better from the patio.

Yeah, if they catch you, they can lock you out. I learned it the hard way

checking up on Rachel on her dates.

That's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about.

You know, you were right about what you said earlier.

I probably wasn't around as much as I should have been.

And you were.

You were a good stepfather to Rachel.

I never thanked you for that.

No, you never did.

Oh, well.

Okay, thank you.

You're welcome.

To tell you the truth,

there was a time or two I wished I was a little more like you.

You know, more mature, responsible.

Really? Well. Huh.

Now would be a nice time for you to say something good about me.

Off the top of my head, you're a good man.

You got a good heart.

And I know you did the best you could.

Thanks. Let's not hug, okay?

Deal.

I'm tired.

I'm gonna go to sleep.

At 10 .30 on a Saturday night?

Yes, is that okay?

Yeah, I guess.

Good night.

You don't have to stay all night, you know.

I know.

You're gonna stay all night, aren't you? Damn right.

What does she see in that guy, anyway?

Well, duh.

Duh?

Duh. Hey, hey, hey, that's my daughter you're talking about.

Ira, when a smart, good -looking girl is interested in a guy with no brains, no

personality, and no money, what's left?

Oh, God.

I hope that's gas.

Love, look at the two of us.

Strangers in many ways. Come on, lady, I got people waiting.

You're not the only drunk in Reno who wants to get married yet.

He'll dig out if you please.

People, it's so good of you to come.

Stop.

Stop the ceremony. Stop the music.

I said stop the music.

Marianne, I know you love Bob, but you cannot marry Bob.

This isn't Bob.

Where's Bob?

I don't know.

Probably with his wife.

Oh, he's married.

You knew and you didn't tell me.

Things worked out for the best.

If I hadn't found out about Bob, I never would have met my true amour, Stefan.

Oh, I wish the story was over.

Stefan is a supremely gifted magician who appears nightly at Harrah's.

He pulled a rabbit out of my brassiere at the dinner show.

Marianne, you can't marry this man. Ah, but I can.

I'm going to be Mrs.

I know you think I'm rushing into this, but I've thought a lot about it.

Any two people can make a marriage work, even strangers. Take my grandparents.

They had an arranged marriage, never met before their wedding day, and yet they

had 75 wonderful years together before my grandfather hung himself.

That's enough.

Mr. Mazing, I'm sure you're a very nice magician, but my friend here is

extremely vulnerable right now, and marrying her at this point would be a

bad idea.

Presto. Excuse me?

I forgot to tell you that Pietro is a don. He doesn't speak English.

Do you know, Chef?

Voilà!

Isn't he adorable?

And with the ceremony.

No.

And marrying Stefan is not going to make you feel better about what happened

with Bob.

I know you're hurt and angry, but this is a terrible mistake.

Contrary, I know what I'm doing.

All right.

How about this, Madame Bovary?

You know that big fat alimony check you get every month from Dr.

Dick? If you marry Stefan, all that money is going to disappear.

And you're going to end up stuck in Reno with a poor lounge magician.

So nice to have met you.

I never would have known he was married.

Mary Ann, you're not stupid.

You just got taken in by a lousy crumbum.

But I really did care about that lousy crumbum.

I know.

But marrying a lounge magician was not the answer.

You're right.

I should have had Bob whacked instead.

Anyway, I wasn't really going to marry Stefan.

Mary Ann, you were standing in a wedding chapel.

You had the license, you had the minister, and you had the groom.

Um, I was hypnotized.

Come on,

Mary Ann. When are you going to start learning from your mistake?

Oh, right.

Personal growth and self -reflection.

Remind me I owe you another ass -kicking.

Very amusing.

Thanks for saying, Ira. Have you been sitting here watching him all night?

You told me to keep an eye on things.

Why didn't you just tie a bell around his neck?

If I had a bell.

Great. Now you've proven how little we trust Zoe. No, I've proven that this is

not a house where anything goes.

Ira, I know my daughter.

If she says she's not having sex with Greg, I believe she's not having sex

Greg.

I had a good time.

Thanks. Yeah, me too.

I hope Greg wasn't too much trouble.

No, it worked out great. My parents are totally baffled.

I'm just curious, did he used to snack on paint chips when he was a baby?

No, it's genetic.

A different father.

Like Rachel and me? Yes.

So, when do you think you'll be back in town?

They are going to give me my master's degree early, so I can start on my

doctorate at USC.

Unless I go to Oxford, but...

I don't want to be that far away from you.

Glad you could come.

Yeah.

I had a really nice time.

Thanks for your hospitality.

Zoe, aren't you going to kiss your boyfriend goodbye?

Very nice. Goodbye.

It's been a pleasure to meet you. Nice meeting you, Scott. Good luck at USC. If

you're ever in the neighborhood, feel free to drop by. Thank you.

I will.

I don't get it.

Why can't you go out with someone smart like that?

Ira, you just don't understand teenagers.

I get that.

You have a very promising future ahead of you.