Original subtitles

Hey, dirtbag, it's all over.

Oh, look who they send to bust me.

NYPD Barbie.

I'm not laughing, sleazebag.

Go ahead. Go for your gun, hairbag.

You don't have the guts to shoot me. I don't?

Come on, hosebag.

Let's see what you got.

the hell is going on?

What? Too soon?

Milo, I don't want to be picky, but could we take some of the bags out of my

dialogue? Give them a repetitive hair bag, nose bag.

Maybe I could call in something else. Like what?

Oh, I don't know. Anything.

Chowderhead.

Go for the gun, Chowderhead.

Chowderbag?

Why don't you go to the wardrobe and put on a squid vest?

Okay.

Let's set it up again.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

I could have been killed.

I don't believe it. I could have been killed.

What's going on up there?

What?

What do you mean, what?

You almost killed me, you chatterhead.

You're right. That sucks.

All right. You look a little pale. Want to lie down?

No, no. I feel fine.

I'll just go to wardrobe and put on a fresh wib.

Yeah, but I could have. And for what? Two days' work on a cheesy cop show?

It's not cheesy. It's gritty.

Actually sort of walks the line between cheese and grit.

That's really depressing.

If I had died, the headline in Variety wouldn't be Sybil Sheridan's career ends

in tragedy. No.

It would have been lighting problem postpones production.

Come on. Don't talk like that. You would have had to raise Zoe alone.

Please, not even in jest.

Can I get you anything? A little soup. Soup is good for this. Soup is good for

brushes with death?

It's not the soup. It's the noodles.

Oh, thanks. Just come over and sit next to me for a few minutes.

Sure. Here, let me take your coat.

Ah, Sybil, you're hurt.

9 -1 -1. 9 -1 -1.

Ira, that's movie blood.

Oh, very convincing.

You know what's really weird? When they asked if somebody could drive me home,

you were the first person I thought of. Why is that weird?

If I was in an accident, I would have called you.

Really? Just because we're divorced doesn't mean we can't look after each

You're always there for me, aren't you?

You came right over during the earthquake with food, set up on the roof

the fires with a hose, stood guard during the riots with that little

bat from Dodger Stadium.

Yeah, we've shared a lot of good times.

I still miss you once in a while.

I still miss you, too.

Remember that life -tapping hatred we felt for each other? Oh, yeah. Seems

a million years ago.

I still hate your lawyer, though.

She was good, wasn't she?

Please let that open that wound.

It's funny how almost getting crushed by a 200 -pound light makes all that seem

unimportant. Right now, it's hard to remember why we got divorced.

Well, I always thought I had a lot to do with your incredibly childish need to

win every...

I can't remember either.

You know, if I knew I was going to die tomorrow, I'd want to spend tonight with

you. I feel the same way.

Except for the dying part.

That's enough.

All right, Sybil.

Here's a new sweater. Does movie blood wash out?

Shut up.

Are we making a horrible mistake?

Not yet. Give me a minute.

You know, I'm feeling a little vulnerable right now.

Vulnerable's good. You always encourage me to be vulnerable.

But is all this happening because of the accident?

What accident?

On the movie set.

Oh, right. Terrible.

Terrible. Poor baby.

I'm just afraid if we have sex, it'll change our relationship.

Don't worry. Probably won't even be any good.

Let's hope not.

Mom!

We better hurry.

Ira? Yes?

Where are you?

In my bedroom.

Quick, hide.

Right.

Wait. Are we doing the right thing? Maybe we should just be honest with her.

you really want to explain to Zoe why our divorced parents are in bed

Closet.

Almost get killed on the movie set.

Oh, yeah? Can I borrow 20 bucks?

Okay, sure.

Don't you want to know what it's for?

No, I trust you.

Is this some kind of a trap?

No, no, let's go downstairs and get my purse. That's right, I brought your

wallet. Hey, you know what I was thinking?

Instead of having all my fingernails black, I'm going to paint one red. Which

you think?

This one. Come on, let's go down. Mother, please, this is really

She's up here!

I think if you highlight a pinky, it's like a cry for help. What do you mean

almost got killed today?

I wish you had come with us. It was fabulous.

Hour and a half facial with glycolic peel, seaweed wrap, and full body

Then we went shooting.

Shooting? It was mom's day at the Beverly Hills Gun Club.

Free ammo for pregnant women.

Did you know they make a nursing holster?

some waffles, too?

Waffles, omelets, whatever you want. Come on, let's roll. Why were you in bed

the middle of the day?

I had a near -death experience.

Uh -huh, and now the truth.

My second ex -husband is standing naked in the closet.

Fine, don't tell me.

I'll be right down.

I have got to put a lock on that door.

Sybil? No, Imelda Marcos.

Get out here!

Listen, I'll keep him busy and you can sneak out of the house.

Can we get together later?

I can't. Marianne set me up with a date tonight.

Really? Anybody I know?

Ira, this is not the time. You're right.

Actually, I sort of have a date tonight, too. With who?

Some plain old Laker girl.

Thought I could cancel it. No, no, no. This is probably all a big mistake. I

think we should just cool it.

I suppose.

Bye. Bye.

Sybil? What?

This was fun.

Ira, hurry.

I had fun, too.

Miriam, which fingernail do you think I should paint red?

You want to make a real fashion statement?

Pull one out.

Which one?

Okay, let's eat.

Rach, you want me to toast that waffle for you?

No, good frozen.

ask me to check the new chimney. You know, just to make sure there weren't

birds nesting in it. You know, owls will do that.

Oh, yeah. Owls are the worst.

Smart, though.

Uh -huh.

Well, next time you might try using a ladder.

A ladder.

Good idea.

Like for a light bulb.

Well, see you.

Bye. Ira. Yeah.

Zipper.

Very exciting for you, then.

You know, I'm kind of a maverick. I use the number four reed.

Most guys in the woodwind section go for the number two because it's easier to

blow.

Uh -huh.

Fascinating. I said no ice.

Why did you do this to me?

Who else would I do it to?

A lot of Laker girls dance for the wrong reason.

You know, they're trying to get into show business.

But not me. I mean, I'm there because I want to meet the players.

Then why'd you go out with me?

Oh, well, you have a lot of money.

Right?

Hey, look who's here. What a surprise.

Yes. Small world.

Sybil, I'm Marianne. This is Nancy.

Hi, Nancy. Hi, Nancy. This is Bob and Mike. Hello. Hi. Bob and Mike both play

for the L .A.

Philharmonic. Really?

I love soccer.

You must be so proud.

Well, we won't keep you. Have a nice dinner.

Bye.

You know, another great thing about me is I can say hello in all the Slavic

languages.

Czech, Bulgarian, Croatian, Montenegrin.

That's amazing.

Magyar, Lithuanian, Polish, Russian.

Lithuania.

Hybl.

Ira, what are you doing?

You alone?

I just wanted to tell you, hey, this is very nice.

Potpourri, scented dope, not like the men's room.

I wouldn't know.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you, you look really beautiful tonight.

Thanks. You look pretty good yourself.

Thank you.

So, how's your date?

Well, it's a blind date, so we hardly know each other, and that's always

awkward. Kill me, kill me now.

My date?

Well, you met my date.

Listen, I was thinking about what you said before.

Did you mean all that stuff about still missing me?

Or were you just trying to get my pants?

What do you think?

I think if there's any chance of us working on our problems, we'd be crazy

to try.

Try what?

Well, I thought maybe we could start dating.

Ira, dinner and a movie is not going to solve our problem. I know that, but...

We're both going to work at it. You'd have to start telling me how you really

feel instead of suppressing everything and then picking a fight two weeks

Okay.

You want to know how I feel right now?

Right now, I feel like I'm going to kiss you so much my face hurts.

Well, we can't have that, can we?

Give me a hickey, Ira. I'm on a date.

I'm sorry.

Oh, oh, oh. What's the matter?

Charlie, where's Charlie? Where?

My leg, my leg.

Put it up on the toilet. I'll rub it. Careful.

Is that better?

Yeah, thanks.

Sybil, are you in there?

what Ira's dating.

Well, you know, Ira.

The cheerleaders, the Porsche.

You'd think an award -winning novelist could come up with a more original

midlife crisis.

You'd think.

Oh, you only have brown. I need black.

Sorry.

Ira, do you have any black eyeliner?

No, Marianne.

Oh, well, then I'll just skip it.

Any messages for your respective dates?

Just tell him we'll be right there.

Will do.

Marianne. Killjoy.

Another unique thing about me is that I'm an incredible listener.

Most men are so self -absorbed that they don't find anything interesting except

the intimate details of their...

What is going on with you and Ira? And furthermore, why did I have to find out

about it in a public restroom?

I don't know what's going on with us, Marianne. All I know is I feel something

for Ira that didn't go away after the divorce.

Thibault, let me jog your memory.

It's December 1993, the Polo Lounge, 3rd Mai time.

Marianne, if I ever think about reconciling with Ira, I want you to have

committed. I didn't say committed. I said sedated.

Oh, no problem. I'm on my way.

Can you try and be a little supportive?

Hold on.

I wish you both the best.

Thank you.

May your love last forever.

Yeah, thanks.

May he light up your life and be the wind beneath your wings.

I'm hanging up now.

Gentle Duke.

It's me.

Ira, you remember.

Friend.

Oh, this isn't good.

Hey, I know. How about a nice, thick, juicy... Tic -tac?

It won't help his breath. Believe me, I know.

Jeff, thank God. Call up your yak, would you? Oh, Duke. Duke wouldn't hurt a

fly, would you, Duker?

So, Ira, what's going on?

You come to christen that new chimney?

All right, look.

Sybil and I have decided to start seeing each other again.

Really?

Well, most of the guys she dates get to use the door.

It was supposed to be a surprise.

I actually had to dump another woman to come over here.

Ah, the old switcheroo.

Yeah, I used to do that with Sybil. Well, to Sybil.

It was one of the big reasons she divorced me.

That's a charming story.

Well, I guess she's asleep.

See you around, Jeff.

Ah, wait, wait, wait.

Don't give up so easy.

Climb up the trellis, throw open her window, and sweep her off her feet.

Are you insane? That's two stories.

Ira, trust me. I know what women want. I've been married three times.

Jeff, you ever just stop and listen to yourself?

No guts, no glory.

I wonder how many guys have died with that ring in their ears. Oh, come on.

All right, what the hell? Atta boy.

Come on, Duke.

Okay.

If I make it, you'll think I'm very romantic.

If I don't, maybe I should sign my cast.

Hi, Zoe.

Hey, Dad.

Whoa, where are you going?

To my room, do you mind?

You trying to sneak out?

Actually, I think the more interesting question is, were you trying to sneak

Don't change the subject. You're in a lot of trouble.

I'm in a lot of trouble? You're the one breaking and entering.

Look, all I was doing... I mean, I was just... You were just what?

and I want it now.

Well, I thought it was kind of wrong to ask me. Not you.

You.

Gee, I, for one, kind of like to hear what he has to say.

Zoe? I was going to Annie's.

Why didn't you just ask me?

Oh, right. What kind of a parent would let her kid out at this hour on a

weeknight?

Good point.

You're grounded for a month.

Couldn't I just pay a fine?

You want to try two months?

Okay, okay. Your turn.

All right.

I guess you have a right to know.

Your mother and I have decided to maybe start spending a little more time

together.

You're getting remarried?

No! I mean, no.

You're going to live together?

No.

Going to study?

Well... No.

No.

Honey, all we're talking about is the possibility of your father and I maybe

starting to date occasionally.

We don't know where it's going to lead, and we don't want to get your hopes up.

We're really only telling you because...

Well... You caught us.

Okay.

Is that all you have to say? Okay? Don't you want to talk about it?

What's there to talk about?

The pathetic state of your entire narcissistic generation?

You feel like getting married, you get married.

You feel bored, you get divorced.

You feel lonely, you marry somebody else.

No commitment, no responsibility.

No thought about anybody but yourself.

So just forgive me if I don't rush to hop on your little Age of Aquarius

emotional roller coaster.

Do you think we're narcissistic?

Huh? I'm sorry. I was just thinking how much he looks like me.

Morning.

How about some nice crispy French toast?

Yum, yum.

It isn't enough that you've emotionally scarred me. Now you want me to be fat,

too?

Zoe, don't be so dramatic.

Though I'm dating your father, it's no big deal.

Yeah, it is a big deal. I was just getting used to the way things are

here, and now you're changing everything again.

I can understand that. Let's talk about it. I'm sorry I can't. I wish I could,

but I just can't. Why not?

Because this whole thing is very scary.

It's very confusing for me, and you can't really be objective.

I think right now maybe I just need the support of my friends.

Can you understand that?

You're still grounded.

You saw that coming, didn't you?

It wasn't your best work.

See you at lunch.

Don't get discouraged. Try it on your dad.

Okay, as far as dating other people. I can, you can't. What? It was worth a

I'm not taking it seriously.

Okay, we don't date around.

Now, what about Saturday night?

Standing date.

I think we should play it by ear.

Oh, come on. Ira, don't get clingy on me.

Saturday nights will be a standing date subject to 24 -hour cancellation by

either party.

Done.

So, you think they're going to get back together?

Who knows? Who cares?

I really love Ira. He was a much better husband to her than my dad was.

That's high praise.

Not really.

I hope they do get back together.

Yeah, me too.

What?

Nothing.

After said date, sex is neither expected nor required.

Hold on, hold on.

Why is she here?

Because over the years, she's spent more time listening to our problems than you

have.

All right, then.

Sacred sex and birth control. In the unlikely event of consummation, Sybil

have first choice of all methods of protection and position.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

Iris, sit.