Original subtitles

Salad again?

Seems like I've been on a star diet forever. Tell me about it.

Why do we do this to ourselves?

I don't feel healthy. I just feel hungry.

Sounds like you two are ready for a double beef baby with cheese.

Are we ever!

Beef baby.

Baby, that's beef.

And cut.

I can't believe we're working together again. What's it been, 20 years? At

least. All right, ladies, I need a close -up of the bite. Let's get five in a

row. Keep the burgers coming.

Oh, I think the last time we worked together was that experimental theater

company. Oh, yeah.

The all -nude version of Death of a Salesman.

We were ahead of our time. We were stoned out of our core.

Boy, those were the days, huh?

Oh, yeah.

New York City, living eight to a room, working for pennies. Eating, sleeping,

breathing the theater, learning our craft.

And here we are, 20 years later.

Still doing what we love.

And bite.

Smile harder.

Perfect.

Loving what loves you.

And then taking that bow.

Nice work if you can get it. And if you get it, won't you?

ketchup. This is a great idea, Marianne. I haven't been bowling in years. I told

you, blue -collar recreation is all the rage right now. Do you fellas have any

idea how chic you've become?

Oh, yeah, the paparazzi have been driving us crazy.

A round of fruitcakes for the in crowd.

I'm looking forward to meeting your mystery boyfriend tonight.

He's not a mystery, Sybil.

Bob's just your average run -of -the -mill concert bassoonist. Then why

I met him?

I wasn't sure if he was the keeper.

Call it.

Hmm, hop, skip, and a jump.

sport which encourages drunken participation.

Don't forget hunting.

Oh, true, Bob. Hunters don't get to wear these vibrant, light -colored shoes.

Oh, Sybil, look.

There's Bob.

He's cute.

I have to hand it to you, Marianne. Loitering in front of the men's room at

Hollywood Bowl really paid off.

I wasn't loitering. I was mingling.

Bob, over here.

Hi. Hi.

Sybil, um, um, Bob.

This is my good and faithful friend, Sybil. Hey, it's nice to meet you,

Hi, Bob, good and faithful. Who am I, Tano?

Isn't she a hoot?

So, how was your day? How was rehearsal?

It was horrible.

I hate our new conductor.

Oh, no.

Did the little Flemish wunderkind have another tantrum?

He got so upset, he threw his baton and nearly impaled the second violinist. Oh,

I did the throw baton, but it had tassels at the end, and I'd catch it

back. You see, I used to be a drum majorette, and I had these cute white

with these little...

Fizzy things.

But that's enough about me.

Bob, why don't you get some shoes? Pick out a ball and bowl a few frames.

Uh, you know what? I'd love to, but I can't risk spraining a finger. Of course

you can't. Sibyl, the man is a classical bassoonist.

Thanks for telling me, Marianne. I thought he was a heavy metal bassoonist.

Look, you ladies finish your game. I'll just go to the snack bar and get a Coke.

Oh, wait, I'll join you. I'm thirsty, too.

When he says Coke, is the rum implied?

I don't think so.

Oh, well.

She dumped you, huh?

She dumped you.

I'm not just a sheep blue -collar bowler, you know. I'm also a keen

the human condition.

And you, my dear, have just stepped into the expendable friend zone.

You're very astute.

That's why I hang out with Norman here.

Very little danger of losing him to a member of the opposite sex.

I'd say virtually no danger at all.

Okay, read it back.

Dear Fidel, although you are a godless dictator, my friend and I think you are

also a real babe.

If you'll send us an autographed picture of yourself in a bathing suit, we'll

send you a six -pack of detail batteries and a family fun -sized bag of generic

cheese puffs.

Viva la revolution!

Feliz Navidad!

Your pals, Annie and Zoe.

That's good.

I like the little smiley face in the aisle.

Okay,

quick, grab the stuff.

Okay, now we're with our shirts off. Cool.

Girls.

Annie, you changed your hair color.

You look good as a redhead. I didn't do it to look good. Then you've succeeded

admirably.

Hey, we're going to make rice crispy treats then.

watch an old Betty Davis movie. You want to join us?

We could do that.

Yeah.

Or we could just punch each other in the face until we pass out.

You know, a simple no thank you would be really refreshing.

Who needs them? You put the tape on and I'll whip us up a picture of Kamikaze.

Deal. This'll be fun.

Yeah.

You know, I haven't seen you in almost a week.

Has it been that long?

Yes, it has. I guess time flies when you're having Bob.

I haven't had him. I'm playing hard to stop.

It has been a long time for you, hasn't it?

Four years. Four years?

Marianne, your marriage only ended a year ago.

What's your point?

Oh, no. They gave us the wrong tape.

Smoking the Bandit Part 3.

There's three of them? What were they thinking?

Forget the movie.

We'll just make rice crispy treats and drink kamikaze.

Sounds good. Snap, crackle, and fall down.

Oh, I wanted to talk to you anyway. I'm having trouble with my agent, and I need

your advice.

That's me.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Bob.

Where are you?

Oh, rehearsal's over already?

What, dinner?

Now?

Well, um, hold on.

Go ahead.

Do you don't mind?

Well, I'd be rather. Give me 20 minutes.

All right.

Bye -bye.

I love you. I'll call you later.

Yeah.

I'm so glad you called.

I really needed to get out of the house.

Jason, leave your shirt alone.

I'm hot.

I'm sorry you're hot, but we don't undress at the table.

You don't mind that I brought the kids, do you? No, no, I love kids.

Jeremy, how old are you? I have to go to the bathroom.

Jeremy, you just went.

I have to go again.

No, you don't, sweetheart.

He just does this to get attention.

Let's hope so.

Stop.

You're going to be a grandmother. What's that like? Well, at first I was in

shock. You know, wow, where did the years go?

And now, Mommy's talking dance, little darling.

Is it blue? Anyway, now I'm really looking forward to it.

And my daughter, Rachel, we're really getting a lot closer. I can imagine.

And I know it sounds corny, but there's something about the bringing forth of

new life.

Is it? Is it? Is it? Yes, it's blue!

Oh, right, sweetheart.

Aunt Sybil's just a little cranky.

Okay? Mommy,

thank you.

Mommy, stop banging your face.

I'm playing a song.

Really? What's it?

And this is Jeremy and Jason.

Hi.

Oh, lovely.

Honey, we don't spit out our bread.

Okay.

Would you two like to join us? Oh, we'd love to, but Bob has to get back to

rehearsal, so we only have time to eat our food once.

Well, have a nice lunch. Yeah, you too. Nice to meet you, Patty, Jason, Freddie.

Shall I bring him a glass of milk?

No, he doesn't want that kind of milk.

Oh, dear God.

Valium or Prozac?

Aspirin. Why? What do you got?

Nothing. I'm high on Bob.

Oh, please, Marianne. I've already got a headache. Don't make me throw up.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing. Look, if I make it through this lunch without killing myself, you want

to get together later?

Oh, I can.

Bob's performing Beethoven's Seventh tonight at the Hollywood Bowl, and I'm

having my hair cellophane.

Oh. Well, never mind.

That's more important.

What is wrong with you?

Why haven't you called me all week? I've been busy.

Marianne, I know how exciting it is to be in a new relationship, but I feel

you've abandoned me. I didn't abandon you. I hardly ever...

Oh,

please. That was totally insincere, and you know it.

Wait a minute. I'm finally dating, which is something you encouraged me to do,

and now you're unhappy?

I'm not unhappy you're dating. I want you to date.

But you don't have to give up your friends just to have a relationship.

Oh.

And after which of your multiple divorces did you become an expert on

relationships? At least I don't.

Doc, my ex -husband.

At least my ex -husband doesn't live above my garage.

At least I'm not a bassoon groupie.

And let me tell you one other thing. When you're with this guy, Bob, you turn

into a totally different person.

Hi, Bob.

I'm just over here with my faithful companion, Tonto. Isn't she a hoot?

You know what I think? I think you're just upset that I'm no longer miserable.

What are you talking about? You've got ex... Husband problems, you come to me

because my ex is worse. You have a bad audition, you come to me because I don't

even have a career.

Bad date, go see Marianne. She never dates at all.

You are so wrong, Marianne.

All I'm trying to say is that men come and go.

But I thought our friendship was something I could always count on.

Maybe men come and go for you, Sybil, but for me they just go.

And if you were really my friend, you would understand that.

Hello, Carol? This is Sybil Sheridan. We met at the PTA meeting a couple of

weeks ago, and I was just wondering if you'd like to go out for coffee or

something. You know, talk about our kids.

I'm Zoe's mom.

Hello?

Hello?

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Rachel. What a surprise.

Surprise, you asked me to come over.

Well, yeah, but I'm surprised that you did.

So what's the big emergency?

Did I say emergency?

I meant video.

How about we watch a video?

Betty Davis, now Voyager. Great movie.

You had a fight with Marianne, didn't you?

Well, yeah, but it's okay. Now I have more time for my other friends, my

Hey, how about a Rice Krispie treat?

Thanks, I really shouldn't be eating sweets. Oh, come on, just one won't hurt

you. Maybe just a bite.

Oh, damn, that's good.

You know what would go really well with this?

Eggs Benedict.

You know, I've had so many strange food cravings lately.

Did you have cravings when you were pregnant?

Yeah, to be single and live in Paris.

You know what's really good?

Beef jerky and cream cheese. You wouldn't think so, but believe me, it's

incredible.

Did you ever try pickles and tapioca? Kevin doesn't understand what I'm going

through at all.

You know how men are. I didn't have to go to that symposium in San Francisco.

Kevin's in San Francisco? I think he just wanted to get away from me. Oh,

I don't think... Oh, fine, take it aside, Mom.

Rachel, I just wanted to say... Let me tell you a cute thing about your

son -in -law.

I begged him to get the queen -sized bed.

Begged him.

Told him, the room's too small.

It was much more intimate, but oh, no.

He had another king -sized bed, which I now have to climb across to get to the

damn closet.

Oh, honey, honey.

It's getting late. Hadn't you better head home?

What for? It's not like Kevin's going to call my theater. Hey,

why don't I just stay here and we can gab all night and you can make me

breakfast in the morning?

With what, Rachel?

The only thing you left in the fridge is a jar of olives. Ooh, olives!

Zoe,

explain to me again why we're here.

because my mother had a fight with her best friend and we're being nice by

keeping her company.

You are a good daughter.

It isn't easy.

It's okay, Annie. The chef assured me that no laboratory animals were harmed

the making of your pasta.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

You know, the two of you look very sophisticated with your hair like that.

Yes, you said that.

They're wigs, right?

Mother, why are you obsessed with our hair?

I'm not obsessed. I'm just interested.

Annie, how come you're not eating?

The noodles touch the broccoli.

So?

God, Mother, are you trying to embarrass me?

What did I say?

How is everything?

Oh, it's fine. Thank you. Hey, I've got an idea.

How about when we're through, we all go bowling?

Marianne, your deeply repentant friend.

I'm listening.

Okay.

I know I've blown you off once or twice for Bob.

Marianne. Okay, 11 times.

I was just so worried that if I wasn't always there when he called, he'd find

somebody else.

Well, if he did, it'd be his loss.

Thank you.

But what worries me more is the thought of losing you.

Oh, honey, you're never going to lose me.

And you know what?

You're right. I do change around Bob.

I become conservative, demure, boring.

So tonight, I decided just to be myself and to do something I wanted to do.

You got hammered and went for pedicures?

No, we got hammered and I took him panhandling on Venice Beach.

You what? It was wonderful.

We picked an attractive corner.

He played Mr.

Bojangles on the bassoon while I danced a lick.

We had a great time, made close to $6, and he still liked me.

I told you. I know, you were right.

Oh, by the way, since I already have you on the phone, I could use a little

advice. Anything.

I think Bob and I are at the point where our relationship is going to become

sexual.

Really? Are you sure?

Well, I'm sitting in my closet in a... Black negligee, and he's naked in my

so... Yes, I'm reasonably sure.

Okay, I understand the negligee part. I understand the naked bassoonist. I'm

just a little unclear on the sitting in your closet part.

It's been a long time, Sybil.

What if I'd forgotten how?

Marianne, you can't forget. It's like riding a bicycle.

I'm going to fall off Bob into a hedge.

Come on, Marianne.

Am I doing the right thing?

Do you like him?

Yes. Do you want to have sex with him? God, yes.

Are you prepared?

I could take on the entire Boston pub.

Then you're doing the right thing. Go ahead, have fun.

Thank you, Sybil.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Great.

Hello? Is there somebody else on this line?

Oh, hi, Bob.

I was just talking to Marianne.

No, nothing's wrong. We were just catching up. She'll be right with you.

Oh, good. She's with you.

Great. Well, I'll just say goodbye then.

Bob, you didn't hang up.

Bob?

Marianne, go.

One. Two.

Three.

Oh, God.

Am I facing the right way?

No hints.

Oh, boy.

Okay.

Did I hit anything?

Yeah, I think you clipped the old guy on lane two.

so good for that.

Hard to say. It's not like you knocked him down.

Does Bob mind that I'm stealing you away from him tonight?

If he does, that's just too bad.

Tonight's my night with my best pal.

Thanks, Mary.

Excuse me.

I've been pacing back and forth by the pinball machine thinking of witty things

to say to you, but they all sounded hokey and insincere.

So, would you like to have a cup of coffee with me and just talk?

Oh, that's... week, but I'm with my friend tonight.

Ah.

Okay. Sorry to bother you.

I'm very impressed.

Thank you.

Nothing to thank me for. I practice what I preach.

You're up.

Okay.

Give me your best shot.

Let's see.

Excuse me.

Hi. Um, I have to leave now, and I was wondering if I could get my 20 bucks.

Normal.