Original subtitles

Ready to go, Sybil?

All set.

Okay, any questions?

No, but I would like to say how pleased I am to be working with a woman.

It's a whole different kind of energy. It's so much more nurturing.

Then you don't have any questions.

When you're hungry for a snack, don't know what you're picking.

Try some toasted oats with just a hint of chicken.

Toasted chickies eaten by the...

Okay, I know that look.

You're going to hurt him, aren't you?

Vengeance. Thy name is Mastercard.

Oh, pretty.

Ah, Zippy forgot to cancel it.

What are you going to buy yourself?

Nothing. The fund's not spending his money. It's wasting his money.

Observe. Excuse me. Do you see Mr. Young Buns over there?

Send him a dozen silk boxers on me.

The real challenge is to max out the card and have nothing to show for it.

I love you, you thick, dark work of art. Oh, Pierce, I'm just a simple woman

with a dream.

Hey, Bill.

What? Look, it's your ex -husband.

Ooh, that's too good.

Come on, let's play.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Fabulous color on you, Ira. Perfect for showing off the hair on your back.

Terrific. Hello, ladies. It's not for me.

That's not what Sybil told me.

Marianne, I told you that was confidential.

By the way, you can keep the black lace panties, but I would like the black

wonder bra back.

Thank you. Well, if this concludes the emasculation portion of the program,

see you later. Come on, Ira. You're trying to obligerate. You're looking for

respect? Give me a break. It's a Valentine's present.

Oh, excuse me, miss. Is this machine washable?

Valentine's? I didn't even know it was Valentine's Day. I had no idea it was

February.

Alone on Valentine's Day.

What could be more depressing?

Watching your ex -husband buy lingerie for his new girlfriend.

You asked.

Thank you very much.

But, you know, we're really not alone.

We're on our own. Self -sufficient. Independent.

Liberated. Full of crap. Completely.

Uh, Thibault, I hate to ask you this, but I left my wallet at home, and, well,

they already rang it up.

You want me to buy lingerie for your girlfriend?

No, it's just that... Well, yeah.

I've got a better idea. Why don't you just shoot me in the face?

I'll owe you big time.

How big?

Anything, anytime, anywhere.

Put it in writing.

Anything, anytime, anywhere.

Sign it! It's no good unless you sign it!

and he moved back to Italy.

Come on. I gotta get out of here before she gets home. I can't listen to another

one of her earth goddess pregnancy's beautiful speeches.

Did she ever give you the don't be embarrassed about masturbation chat?

Oh, yeah.

The long walk on the beach. She took you to the beach? I got her the dry

cleaner. Oh, you poor thing.

Rachel, I'm suffocating. She keeps trying to be my best friend.

Well, I had to live through it. Now it's your turn.

I'm out of here. Please, Rach, take me with you. Dream on.

Mom, guess who's here? Your old pal, Rachel.

Rachel's here?

Zoe, what was the point of that? Oh, my babies are here. Both of my babies are

here. I'm so happy to see you. I'm so happy to see you, too. Look, I gotta go.

Wait, wait, I've got presents.

First, Zoe.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Oh, boy, a hunchback cookie.

No, it's Cupid. That's a wing.

And he's fructose sweetened.

Thanks, Mom.

I got a cookie.

And for my other valentine, slippers.

Slippers? Yeah, they got elastic for when your feet swell.

And believe me, they're gonna.

Around month six, you're gonna turn into a big old balloon girl.

How thoughtful. Well, I better go, Mom. I'm making a special dinner for Kevin

tonight. Oh, um, before I forget.

There's a new mother's class down at the Women's Center on Friday. I thought

maybe you and I could go together.

Mother, I'm not going to squat in a gymnasium and look at my cervix. Once

enough.

It's not like that. It's nutrition and exercise, breastfeeding.

That sounds like fun, but I'd really rather spend Friday night with Kevin.

I get it.

You've hit the horny part of your pregnancy, haven't you?

Mom.

I know you're just trying to be helpful, but I think it may be best if you try

to focus a little more on your life and a little less on mine.

Right. Right.

I'm sorry.

I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but... No, no.

I understand.

You sure?

Go! Have a nice dinner. Say hi to Kevin.

Thanks, Mom. Bye, honey. Bye.

I'll just stay here and focus on my life.

Lots to focus on.

What's new with you?

Who would I rather sleep with? Yeah.

Paul Newman or Robert Redford. Choose.

That's easy. Paul Newman. He brings his own popcorn.

Come on. Give me something tough.

Okay.

Ross Perot or one of those flying devil monkeys from The Wizard of Oz.

Is the monkey rich?

Good evening, girls.

Oh, my. He cleans up real good, doesn't he? Got a date with my valentine.

Hey, Sybil, don't forget to feed the dukester.

Jeff, remember 20 years ago when our marriage fell apart?

Yeah. And you moved out and we went on with our life? Mm -hmm. Let's do that

again.

Sybil, I am looking for another apartment. I'll be out of here before

it. Jeff, you're a pig.

What?

I don't know. I just felt like saying that.

Come here and give me a kiss.

Is she kidding? Are you kidding? I don't know.

Well, good night.

I

love

it when you play with his head like that. It's almost too easy.

You know, this isn't so bad for Valentine's Day. Wow, here's to

To Valentine's Day.

This sucks like a Hoover.

Well, there's probably Jeff wanting to borrow gas money.

You never know.

Could be some swarthy French stud who wants to use your bathroom.

I beg your pardon, but may I please use your facilities?

How did you do that?

Who are you?

I am Guy.

Guy is my limo driver. It's upstairs, first door to the left.

Merci. Oui, Guy.

rented a limousine just to come to my house?

I've got a credit card to max out, remember?

I'm disappointed in you, Marianne.

He's just sitting in the driveway.

Couldn't you come up with something a little more creative?

You want to go down to the marina and shoot guns at Dr. Dick's boat?

That doesn't require any money.

Oh, really?

Do you have any idea what it costs to buy an automatic weapon at this time of

night?

Actually, I was thinking of something a little more life -affirming. Like this

weekend, we could go horseback riding or hot air ballooning. Or skydiving.

You promised never to bring that up.

Marianne, I'm turning 40.

Let's jump out of a plane. It'll be so symbolic and meaningful.

Well, it would have been.

Well, if you'd actually jumped.

Hey, you know what?

Shut up.

I know.

Let's have Guy Whiskers off to the airport and we'll fly to Vegas. Tonight?

If we leave now, we can blow all of Dr. Dick's money and still catch a show.

Come on, I always wanted to see those two German guys who make the tigers

disappear. What are they called?

Sauerkraut and Roy?

Well, I'd love to, but, Marianne, I can't go to Vegas and leave Zoe here by

herself. Why not?

Can I have the mega -tail at her end of May? May she want to watch Vegas?

Mm -hmm.

He and I are going to go watch videos in the back of the limo.

That's why not.

Zoe!

You don't even know this guy.

I am Guy.

He is Guy. I get that he's Guy.

Goodbye, Guy.

Au revoir, Zoe.

A bientot.

You know, just because you don't have a life doesn't mean I can't. Yes, it does.

I can't believe it. She got a D in French.

I'm telling you.

Vague. I try to be a good mother. I try to be their friend. And for what?

All... Spend and pay. The only people who want me around are my ex -husbands,

and that's only to lend them money and feed their dog.

Dog? Yes. We could board Zoe in a kennel.

No.

I have a better idea.

Anything, anytime, anywhere.

You want me to come and stay with Zoe now?

Yes, now.

Ira, who's that?

Not now.

It's an emergency.

Let's roll!

I've got to take Marianne to Betty Ford.

In a limo?

I told her we were going to the opera.

Woo!

Party!

Come on, we'll drop you off.

Ira, the whipped cream is starting to slide off.

Oh, please, Sybil.

Zoe's a big girl. She can take care of herself.

I'll be gone overnight. The last time I left her alone that long, she put the

house on the market.

She only took one to pot.

Would you like me to go in there and tell Miss Dairy Queen, who paid for a

Valentine on D's?

Let me just go grab my pants.

It's on fire.

You have 20.

I said hit me.

21. Damn.

You know, Marianne, this is the greatest Valentine's Day I have ever had. And

you know what the best part of it is? Yeah. A month from now, Dr. Dick gets

credit card bill.

Three at last. My ass.

Well, there is that. But what I was thinking was, finally, we're doing

for ourselves.

No children, no men. Just us.

Drinking.

Gambling.

Smoking $10 stogies.

Oh, yeah.

What do you want to do next?

There's only two things left to do in Vegas.

Buy a hooker or get married.

Will you marry me?

I'm sorry. I can only marry a virgin.

Well, then, our course is clear.

Excuse me, sir.

Where do you keep your hooker?

Maybe it's the police coming to break up our wild party.

Hey, come on. Somebody let me in.

Jeff? Yeah.

Thank you.

What happened to your hand?

Poisoned oak.

How'd you get poisoned oak on your hand?

I'll tell you later. It's a long story.

Don't worry, Jeff. I'm not interested in any story that ends with you coming

back.

What happened?

I was out on a date, and we went for a walk in the woods.

At night? You went in the woods at night?

Yeah, it's romantic.

If you're a raccoon.

She wanted to look at the stars.

So, you know, one thing led to another.

You did it on the ground?

Isn't that why you people have pickup trucks?

I don't want to talk about this anymore.

What are you doing here, anyway? Keeping Zoe company while Sybil takes a dragon

lady back to rehab.

Couldn't get a date on Valentine's Day, huh? I had a date. A great date.

I didn't have to drag her to the forest, either. Yeah, yeah.

I'm starving.

Big act of woodsman like you? Of course you are.

Could you give me a hand?

Oh, geez. What do you want? Cereal.

No, no, no, no. The fruity stuff with the marshmallows.

Look at me. I'm picking a midnight snack for my ex -wife's ex -husband on

Valentine's Day. Boy, oh, boy. It's like a dream come true.

Not exactly how I envisioned my evening going, either.

Lots of milk. I like it when the marshmallows float.

You mind?

Boy, you gotta be kidding.

I want you to know, I really, really hate this.

And you're probably not gonna like what's coming next.

What?

I gotta pee.

I'm sorry, ma 'am, but your credit card is over the limit.

Yes!

Here, Conan.

Keep the change.

Yes! Well, Sybil, looks like our work in this town is done. Not quite, Marianne.

What do you mean?

Well, before I go back to being unappreciated mother, ex -wife, and

chicken, I'd like to do something really meaningful, something transforming,

something that makes a lasting impact on my life.

So you want to go to the Liberace Museum?

Yes, that's exactly what I want to do.

and protect your reserve chute in case you need it.

I know I'll never be the same. Oh, you wimp.

I'm not a wimp.

I'm a wuss.

Move over.

Hi,

Mom. Hi.

Look, Rachel spent the night. Marital problems. Bet she'd love to talk to you

about it.

to talk about okay not a big deal good i mean it's not like cheating on me

that's the relief don't you want to know what the problem is honey you told me

to stop focusing on your life remember right i did okay kevin fell

asleep at eight o 'clock on valentine's day and we haven't slept together in

three weeks and maybe it's deeper than maybe it's him or maybe he just sees me

as an incubator for his baby

I need a little advice here. I don't know what to do.

Oh.

Withhold sex.

What?

Withhold sex.

Mother, haven't you been listening? He doesn't want sex.

Honey, he will if you withhold it.

Wait a minute.

What's wrong with you? Where were you last night anyway?

Well, Marianne and I flew to Vegas, gambled away... Ken Grand, watched a

man dance, and then I jumped out of an airplane.

Good night.

I don't know why I even try talking to her.

If you can't do it right, why don't you just forget it?