Original subtitles

Ironic, isn't it?

I've traveled halfway across the galaxy to find my one true love.

Just a loser.

But why?

Why must you leave?

We both know it would never work.

It's my parents, isn't it?

No. Was I too clingy? No.

It's the cold -blooded thing!

Don't torture yourself, not you.

Our planets are warring. Millions on both sides are dying.

Remember me.

Thank God.

Simple. Wonderful.

Thanks. I do my best, even though I am working for scale.

Get it?

Scale?

No, okay, that's funny.

Do you have plans for dinner?

Dinner? Well, thanks for asking, but I'm a little tired. I think I'll just go

home and, ugh, molt.

You know, I'm the guest of honor at a Star Trek convention this weekend.

Anaheim. Fancy hotel, big suite, honor bar.

Maybe you'd like to beam down there with me. Beam down there with you?

That's really cute.

I don't think so.

Come on, babe, lower your shields. Let me in.

You're serious.

We could boldly go where no one has gone before.

Jonathan, snap out of it.

You're not a Starfleet commander, you're an actor. If you want to ask me out,

just ask me out in plain, simple English.

Do you want to go out?

Sorry, I don't date actors.

the earthquake was a mistake, but I was wrong.

It's a lot of fun to have around.

I can stop that.

I am a freeloader. I don't belong here. When I wake up, I'll move out and never

bother my ex -wife again.

Unless she wants me to move furniture.

Okay, go ahead.

I say we stuff him full of candy and beat him like a piñata.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Jonathan.

How did you get my number?

A Romulan spy?

Ha ha, good one.

No, I haven't changed my mind about Anaheim. I promised my daughter I'd take

to, uh, the circus.

Okay, you live long and prosper, too.

Bye.

Ech, poo.

What are you talking about? He's gorgeous.

Well, then you go out with him. He didn't ask me. You wouldn't go out with

even if he did.

That's because I'm still healing.

You've been separated a year. You're hiding. I am not.

I'm just waiting for the right young fuck to come along.

You know what your problem is?

You're both addicted to orgasms.

Did I black out and miss something?

No, I just think you're both pathetic. All you ever talk about is men and sex.

Men and sex. It's so boring.

What's the big prize?

A few seconds of involuntary muscular contractions.

Well, sometimes you also get car fare.

talking about meaningful relationships.

And yes, orgasms can be a part of that. A wonderful part where two people

connect on a very intimate and spiritual level.

Even if you're faking it.

Here he is.

Like I ever gave him that satisfaction.

Well, I've chosen chastity.

Good.

That's a wonderful choice for a woman your age.

Oh, this has nothing to do with my age. I've chosen it forever.

Oh, really?

Well, I don't want to invalidate your feelings, but I've made that choice

50 times in my life.

After this one, I swore on a stack of Bibles.

Yes, well, I'm serious. I don't want to wind up a bitter, middle -aged, divorced

woman who's obsessed with her erogenous zone.

Am I bitter?

I thought she was talking about me.

This is a phase, right? Oh, yeah. All girls go through that chastity stage,

didn't you?

Well, I did dress up as a nun once, but it was an anniversary present for my

husband.

That one? No. Hello, anybody home?

That one.

Come in, Your Holiness.

Hello, ladies.

Jeff, don't get up.

I bought this for Zoe. She keeps forgetting it at my house.

I can't imagine why.

I never guess who I ran into this morning. Phil Asher. Oh, yeah? How is

and his wife broke up.

Oh.

Too bad. They were a great couple. Is he dating yet? Don't even think about it.

Come on. Phil is a good guy. He's down -to -earth, kind, hard -working.

So were the Amish, darling, but I don't want to date them either.

You know what your problem is? You would rather sit at home and make Haagen

-Dazs and Stolichnaya floats than get out there and meet somebody.

First of all, I would never defile good vodka with a dairy product.

And secondly, I have no desire to sit here and be called a coward.

Simply because I don't want to date a bland little man named Phil.

Think you had a nerve?

She knows I'm right.

Hey, what do you think about inviting Phil tonight to forensic and we'll

accidentally bump them into one another?

So, I would be like your date.

Only in the sense that you pick up the check.

Sounds fair.

I'm going to take this up to Zoe.

Eight o 'clock, okay?

Perfect. Thanks, Ira.

You never dressed up like a nun for me.

I guess this means the new maid quit.

It's a remarkably good likeness. Yes.

Oh, well.

Another day, another voodoo curse.

Why don't you dress? We have an 8 o 'clock reservation.

We just stay here.

Order out.

Or you could cook.

Come on, I want to take you to dinner. My treat.

You never treat.

What's up?

I thought I might have hurt your feelings this afternoon. I want to do

nice. Then give me a pedicure.

Marianne, I set you up.

With who?

A bland little man named Phil.

Before you say no, just listen to me. He doesn't even know it's a date. There's

no pressure, no expectations.

It's totally casual.

Well, if it means that much to you.

Atta girl!

I have nothing to wear!

Calm down!

It's casual, remember?

It'll... I have not been on a date in twi... 25 years.

So don't talk to me about casual.

Okay. Okay.

This is nice. How about this red one? He'll think I'm a slut.

Purple. Snob.

Blue. Boring. Black.

Death. White. Virgin. Yellow. Chicken.

Okay, okay.

I have something new hanging in the dressing room that might work. I'll get

Where is it? I don't see what you're talking...

If I come out, you're going to make me go.

Stop being such a baby.

I'm not ready for another relationship.

It's not a relationship. It's a plate of ravioli.

Oh, yeah?

What if this Phil and I actually like each other?

What if we start dating, going away on weekends?

Then I'll want to live together.

Get married.

Next thing you know, we'll get divorced.

And I'll have to start stalking him.

Marianne, none of that is going to happen tonight.

All you have to remember is to be pleasant and not to drink directly from

wine bottle.

Marianne?

Sybil?

I am so scared.

That's normal, sweetheart.

It'll be okay.

I'll be by you the whole time. I promise.

You're not going to wear that, are you?

What about you, sir?

Cappuccino, latte, espresso?

You have instant?

Instant. Thank you if you got it.

I'll try and find a styrofoam cup.

That's okay. I'll drink it here.

So, Marianne, I bet Phil would love to hear how your house is just across the

street from O .J. Simpson's house.

My house is just across the street from Mochi Simpson's house.

Tell them about the helicopter at the night of the chase.

They were very loud.

Yeah, that's a nice neighborhood that Brentwood, my ex -wife, lives up there

with her new husband. You and Stephanie getting along okay?

Oh, sure. Why not? Life's too short.

What about you, Marianne? You get along with your ex?

I hope his colon explodes.

Sybil and I got along great after we split up. Even made love one.

We did not.

Did who?

You didn't tell me that. He's lying. I am not. You had three white Russians and

threw yourself at me.

Hey, Phil, that's some beautiful watch you have there.

Oh, what, $24 .95. Can you believe it? Here, look at this darn thing. It's

indestructible.

I can't believe you're denying it. Watch this.

Now, that is value and quality.

Even spent most of the night.

Excuse me, ladies' room. Marianne? Oh, yes, me too.

You don't buy a... fine 84 Beau Chalet.

You rented.

Good one.

I am really upset with you. I know, I know. Phil's not your type. I'm sorry I

pushed you into this. Yo, how could you do Ira without telling me about it?

Forget that, did you?

No, and I was drunk.

Now back to Phil. If you want to leave any time, I understand.

Why would I want to leave? I think he's fascinating.

I said I was sorry.

No, I really like him. I think he's sort of cute and cuddly and a...

Sloppy Joe kind of way.

All righty. Do you think he likes me?

Was I talking too much?

Marianne, you hardly said a word. Oh, should I talk more?

Do you realize this is my first date with a man other than my husband since

Jerry Pinkus in the 11th grade?

I'll tell you what. If you ask, I would ask Phil if he likes me.

How about I pass him a note in study hall?

Come on.

But if he doesn't like me, I'll just die.

I'll push away for you, Marianne. Are you okay? Fine, fine. I'm fine.

Miss Sheridan? Yes? There's a call for you. Oh, thank you.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Jonathan.

How did you find me?

My roommate?

No, that's my daughter. My celibate daughter.

Listen, I can't talk now. I'm on a date.

I am, too.

Ira. Look, he wants to talk to you.

Tell this man we slept together.

I'm confused.

Just do it. I'll tell him if you'll tell Phil.

Ira! Okay, who is he? The second in command of the Starship Enterprise.

Listen, Nimoy.

Stay away from my woman.

Close enough.

We're leaving. Why? What's wrong? Nothing.

Philip invited me to go have a beer in the valley.

Isn't that sweet? Do you want us to go with you? No, thank you.

Oh, I wish we could go with you, but I have another ex -husband at home, and he

worries if I'm out too late. Don't worry. I got the check.

Oh, thanks.

Bye, Ira. Bye.

Bye -bye.

Can you believe that?

Amazing.

Well, looks like it's just you and me, Seb.

Again. There is no again, Ira. It never happened.

Well, then how about we go back to my house, get you drunk, and have it not

happen again?

We'll take one of these.

One of the ladies.

Marianne.

Who are we supposed to meet at the tea room? What are you doing here?

Working up an appetite.

That's enough for today.

Bag it and ship it.

So are you going to tell me about what happened with Bill last night?

I drank a light beer.

Did you know it's spelled L -I -T -E?

Isn't that adorable?

Yeah. We took a drive in a Sportcon Victoria.

What a car.

You could put my entire Mercedes in the trunk of that car and still have room

for your tool.

Philip said that.

I laughed. Oh, how I laughed.

Well, that's very nice. You've got your first date under your belt, and who

knows, the next guy you meet might be really special.

And then I bought him shoes.

Pardon?

Our moonlight drive led to a midnight sale at Nordstrom's, and I bought him a

pair of Italian loafers. You bought him shoes?

Somebody was wearing last night some kind of lumberjack thing. You bought him

shoes?

You should have seen his face. He was really tickled. That's what he said.

Marianne, I'm really tickled.

Mrs. Thorpe, would you like me to send these to your house as well? Oh, no, no,

no. I want them gift -wrapped and sent to this address.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop!

You're sending him another pair of shoes?

What, are the tassels too much? Tell me, I don't want to make a faux pas.

Marianne, it's been a while since you last dated. People don't give footwear

like they used to.

Oh, Tish, these will really brighten his day.

Go, go, go.

You know, Sybil, I have you to thank for this new relationship.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm not taking any credit for this. This is all you.

Ooh,

cowboy boots.

Oh, my God, what have I done?

Something I can do for

you, though?

I'm curious.

You're, what, 45, and you live above your ex -wife's garage. What do you do

self -esteem?

Go away, though.

It's not that I don't care for you. I mean, after all, you are the father of

half -sister, which, of course, would make you, well, nothing to me.

It's just that before you graced us with your extended presence, Mom promised me

I could have the room above the garage.

Oh, I get it.

Boys, huh?

Yeah, that's it, Jeff. Boys.

I need to create a private love nest to satiate my burgeoning carnal hunger.

Excuse me? Move out!

I'm coming!

Sorry, Mom.

I gave it my best shot.

You talk to Jeff?

I think I was too subtle.

Well, thanks for trying, honey.

Oh, hi, Ira. Hi.

right down, Dad. Okay, baby.

We need to talk.

About Phil? Yeah, I just got off the phone with Marianne. No, no, not Phil.

What's wrong?

Look at my phone bill.

Zoe's been calling a 976 number from my house. What kind of 976 number? I don't

know. Some kind of chastity chat line.

I called it and got to listen to a bunch of teenagers talk about not having sex

for $2 .95 a minute.

I've been meaning to tell you about this. Our daughter has decided to live a

life of celibacy.

Really? Great.

Aren't you even a little concerned that our divorce has turned her off to ever

having an intimate relationship?

No, celibate daughter, happy dad.

I'm hoping she'll grow out of it. I'm hoping you'll grow out of it.

Zoe! Wait!

Your friend Phil hasn't called Mary Ann since they went out. Do you have any

idea what's going on? Well, I have an inkling. He thinks she's nuts.

Just because she sent him a pair of shoes?

She sent him a pair of shoes every day this week.

Nuts? That's the word he used? Well, there was a colorful word in front of

You know, that's not fair.

Marianne is a very loving and giving human being. Shoes, Sybil. Seven pairs

shoes.

Okay.

She's slightly nuts.

That wasn't a colorful word.

Hey, Dad, what do you say we get really crazy this weekend and go see a movie

with no animals in it?

Yeah, fine. Listen, Zoe, I think that maybe... We have to have a talk.

What kind of talk? An honest, frank, no -holds -barred talk about your, uh,

you know.

My what? Hair?

Clothes? Graves?

This.

Nine, seven, six.

Uh -uh.

What do you do?

Trace all my calls?

Just the ones that cost me $374 a month.

Listen, Zoe.

It's perfectly fine with me that you're not doing what you're...

Not doing.

Boy, when you say no holds barred, you ain't kidding.

I just want to make sure you're not not doing this for the wrong reasons.

What?

Zoe, listen.

We never sat down and had a real heart -to -heart discussion about the

toll a divorce had on you. Yes, and I've always been very grateful for that.

Come on, no jokes.

You know your mother and I love you very much.

Just because we couldn't work out our problems doesn't mean you can't have a

wonderful relationship with a wonderful man someday.

Far in the future.

When you feel you're ready.

After I'm dead.

I never told you this, Dad, but the day you moved out was one of the worst days

of my life.

I know, honey. It was hard on all of us. I just felt so helpless, like it was

all my fault.

No, no, no. Don't ever think that. It had nothing to do with you.

saying it. Daddy doesn't stop the bad dreams.

Oh, baby.

You know I would do anything to make you happy.

Anything in the world.

Can I have a car?

No.

Okay, then let's go.

Just like her mother.

It was the shoes.

And he thought it was obsessive and scary. Go figure.

What is the matter with me? What was I thinking?

You were thinking about making someone happy, and there's nothing wrong with

that. I always used to buy things for Richard.

Shirts, shoes, those little nose hair clippers.

I love that.

And you'll get to do it again.

But next time, maybe wait till the second date.

In the meantime, I'm really proud of you, Marianne.

You took a risk.

Made yourself vulnerable.

That's a big step.

I guess I owe Phil an apology.

No, you don't. He's fine.

No, I do.

Come with me to his office.

Just let it go. This isn't about him, Sybil.

It's about me.

No, it's about him. Please.

If I'm going to come out of this with any dignity, I have to explain.

Wait. Wait, Marianne.

If you're going to insist on doing this, I'm going to have to tell you the

truth. What truth?

He's dead. Phil's dead.

Nice try.

So, the basic plans call for 18

residential units ranging from 3 ,000 square feet. I hope I'm not

Oh, Mary Ann.

Hi. Yes, I'm sort of in a meeting. This will only take a minute.

Hi, Phil. How you doing?

Hi, fellas.

I just came over to explain about the shoes.

Uh -huh. Could we do this later? I simply want you to know that I am not a

lunatic. I'm sure you're not. You see, I've just come out of a very long

marriage, and you were my first date, and perhaps I was a tad overzealous.

Say no more.

Thank you.

Good work, Marianne. Let's go.

Thank you, Phil, for being so understanding.

You're wearing the shoes.

Those are the Tuesday shoes.

I sent you those on Tuesday.

Come on, Marianne. He's wearing the shoes.

Say bye -bye. You won't return my phone calls, but you'll wear my shoes?

Well, they are nice shoes.

Give me the shoes.

Maybe Phil could just send them to you.

I want them now!

Marianne.

Phil, you better give her the shoes.

Maybe.

Could I just send you a check?

I feel nice to see you. Hey, great sock.

What a wonderful way to start the day.

Yes, you're a good boy. Yes, you are.

Isn't that yummy?

Yeah. Here you go.

Don't forget dessert.

That's a wonderful habit he's learning, Marianne. Relax, I'm teaching him to

appreciate fine Italian leather. He won't touch your shoes.

Marianne, it's all set. Thank you, Jeffrey.

What's all set?

I've fixed her up with one of my buddies. A former stuntman.

Isn't that exciting?

You really think that's wise, so soon after the shoe incident? Oh, don't

He's the perfect transition man for me. Only has one foot.

Oh, my God, you'll never guess who's at the door. Jonathan Frakes, you pervert!

Don't touch it!

Why not?

You know he's been asking me out.

Somebody even told me he's married.

You know what? I'd jump his bones in a minute. What? What happened to your vow

of chastity?

Heather, this is the number two guy on the Enterprise. If the bald guy dies,

he's the boss.

Stay away from that door.

Shh.

Nobody's home.

Let's try Candice Bergen's house.