Original subtitles

Look at her.

So trusting.

If I just play it cool, she'll never know I slept with her husband.

How about we drive up the coast for some steamed clam?

Oh, that's wonderful.

You know, it's marvelous we're finally spending some time together.

Slut.

What does Mitch see in her?

Why don't we go to Gladstone's? Mitch is always raving about it. Oh, I know. He

picked me there last night.

Did I say that out loud?

How could you?

What do you care? You were fooling around with Steve.

Oh, well, I suppose you slept with him, too.

No! Well, okay, once, but it didn't mean anything.

I'll kill you!

What, are you crazy?

Why, you'll never see Mitch again!

He doesn't love you, he loves me! You cheap whore!

hurt you. I was just in the moment.

That's okay. I'm fine.

Well, you've been doing soaps as long as I have, darling. You learned to get it

right on the first take.

Nice work, ladies. Here's tomorrow's script. What?

Let me guess. I miraculously crawled to safety again.

Not quite.

What is this?

I'm in a coma?

So am I.

Great, isn't it? And here's the hook.

Only one of you is going to survive.

Only one of us?

Which one?

Don't know.

Haven't written it yet.

Have a nice evening.

It'll be you. You've been on the show longer.

No, no, no. If you're the fresh new character, they'll keep you.

Well, either way, good luck.

Oh, thanks. You too.

You're a history bitch.

I wonder if there are any donuts left.

Nice work if you can get it. And if you get it, won't you tell me

how?

I know it's just a soap, but it was a steady job. Good money.

I was even starting to get recognized.

Yesterday, a woman at the mall called me a worthless tramp.

You sure she's not just somebody from your high school?

Getting too old for this. If they kill off my character, I'm seriously thinking

of finding another career.

Like what?

You don't work as an actor for 25 years without learning all sorts of job

skills. Name three.

Well, fencing, horseback riding, mime.

Oh, come on.

You'll be fine.

And remember, if you were ever in any real trouble, you could come to me.

Thank you, Marion.

I've always wanted a mate who could speak English.

You're a saint.

Oh, Pish.

What are you doing Friday night?

Well, I'm not even sure what I'm doing right now.

Why? My daughter's in -laws are in from Boston, and I invited them for dinner.

Well, as fun as that sounds, Friday's my night to stay home and pinch myself

till I bleed.

Come on, Marianne. I need at least one person there who likes me.

Well, then I would be a good choice.

Thanks.

Really? Who's the John?

He's the producer of the soap.

Oh, my.

She's a fast little worker.

This is the part of the business I hate.

All the backstabbing and sucking up.

Isn't it enough just to be a good actor?

I'll have another cappuccino, and would you bring my friend a clue?

Well, what am I supposed to do?

Dupe to the level of a two -faced casting couch bimbo?

Just talking about how much I've enjoyed working with you. Oh, believe me, I

feel the same way.

Oh, you're having lunch with Barry.

Oh, yes, Barry and I go way back.

Oh, but believe me, darling, I would never attempt to influence his decision.

Shame on you for thinking I'd think that.

Hi, Andrea Stone, Chibble's friend. Marianne Thorpe, Olympic skier.

Oh, Thorpe. Gee, I know someone named Thorpe.

Probably my ex -husband. He's a plastic surgeon.

Oh, yes.

Sybil, I'll see you back in the salt mines. And so nice to meet you, Mary

Pleasure, Andy.

Quick, she's going to the ladies' room. Go over there and make nice to the

producer. No, I am no good at these games.

All right, I'll go suck up for you. Listen to me.

I am not going to sink into the slime with that woman. I have a little

left. Fine.

Start looking through the classifieds under Mimes Wanted.

Wish me luck.

Break a leg.

Thanks.

Hi, Barry.

So good to see you.

Oh, hi, Sybil.

Oh, I just wanted to come over here and tell you how much I've enjoyed playing

Monica on the show.

I really enjoyed it.

You said that.

Did I?

Ditzy blonde, duh.

So, um, what are you going to order?

I'm having the veal.

I like to eat things that die young.

That wasn't a joke.

I know.

It's just funny.

I mean, not funny weird. I mean, funny ha -ha.

Oh, God.

Goodbye.

Okay, I'm Marianne's maid.

Nice try, dear.

Too bad you're just out of your league.

Why, you need to rehearse being in a coma?

Now listen here, young lady, it just so happens... Shut up!

Duke, what are you doing on my script?

open up a great big can of Purina horse chow.

Oh, boy. This is gonna be good. Mmm.

I'm opening the can.

Moron!

Aw, miss me, Dad. I promise.

Say it.

I promise I will not show your in -laws any of my scars.

Thank you.

Not even the one John Wayne gave me? It's such a... a great icebreaker. No.

Hi, honey. Hi, Mom.

What's going on?

Dad and I were shopping for Friday night.

She is so cute. Wait till you see what she made me buy.

Oh, Jeff, big boy pants and lace -up shoes.

I'll look just like a grown -up.

Dad, sit.

If you want him to get up, I'll show you a trick with a can opener.

Listen, both of you.

It took an awful lot to get Kevin's parents to come back out here after what

happened at the wedding.

Hey, what happened at the wedding was not a... Hey, I don't want to hear it.

Just do me a favor and let's not mention your special living arrangement.

I'm only staying over the garage.

Hey!

I don't want to have to explain to my in -laws why my divorced parents are

living in the same house.

Well, just tell them the truth.

The earthquake wrecked my condo. No.

No earthquakes. There are two things that terrify them about L .A.

One is earthquakes. The other is the crazy woman who tried to neuter her

at my wedding.

Good old Marianne.

They really mention Marianne specifically?

Oh, Mother, you didn't.

No,

Barry, do you think it would add anything to the scene if, while they're

wheeling me in... I suddenly go into convulsions.

No, I don't think so, Andrea.

What about moaning?

No moaning. Just lie flat on your back and don't move.

That'll be a stretch.

Morning, darling. Morning, hon.

Oh, Barry.

Hmm? I'd just like to give you these as a little thank you for everything.

I bought them myself.

Muffins. Thanks.

That's really sweet.

Here, put these out for the crew.

Oh, Barry. I haven't made a decision yet.

Oh, no, no, no. I wasn't going to ask you that.

I was wondering if you could come over to my house Saturday. I'll make dinner.

Veal.

Baby veal?

I'll mull on it.

Good, Sybil. Baby veal as opposed to elderly veal.

Muffins. You bought me muffins. That is so adorable.

You really aren't very good at this, are you, dear?

All right, people.

Places. Let's get set up for this shot.

Sybil, Saturday's inconvenience. How about I come to your house on Friday?

Ooh, Friday?

I'm available Friday.

Fine, Friday's fine.

Excellent.

Standing by.

Who's out of whose league now, Blondie?

Excuse me.

Makeup! I need a little touch -up over here.

Ciao, Bella.

live would be nice.

Here we go. One white wine spritzer for Betty. One scotch and soda for Ed.

My, I'm not used to drinking this early.

I understand.

You wait till he goes to bed, don't you?

Okay, sweetheart. Well, get here as soon as you can.

Marianne's here, and she's talking to your parents.

Yes, that Marianne.

Well, I didn't invite her, Kevin. My brilliant mother did.

Hi, Kev.

Okay, I'll see you soon.

I hope you remember to lock Duke in the guest bedroom. Betty is terrified of

dogs. Would you give me a little credit, Rachel? I'm bending over backwards to

make this a nice dinner for your in -laws. I just don't want this to be a

disaster. I understand, but I just don't understand why you're ashamed of your

family. I'm not ashamed.

I'm embarrassed.

Hey, we are every bit as respectable as your Boston in -laws. I'm sorry. That

wasn't fair.

I appreciate everything you're doing, Mom. Thank you.

By the way, don't you think anybody would get a big kick out of meeting a

live soap opera producer?

Oh, God.

You didn't. I'm sorry.

I had to.

Please explain to me why you had to.

Well, oh, look, your mother -in -law's trying to talk to Zoe.

Oh, God.

Kevin.

We already started eating.

I don't understand why you're not making more of an effort to be here. Maybe he

thinks his parents are as boring as we do.

Kevin, hurry.

Zoe, I know how tough it is to sit through these family dinners, and I want

thank you for trying. You have no idea how hard it is to keep up this cheerful

facade.

I ain't a fan.

It's okay with me if you want to leave.

What, are you trying to get rid of me? I'm willing to go as high as 20 bucks.

25 and you'll never see me again.

I've gone.

I'd like to propose a toast. Cheers.

Marianne, he hasn't made a toast yet.

I trust him.

To Ed and Betty.

Welcome to L .A. And here's hoping you'll visit a lot more often once

had the baby.

Cheers.

And we certainly hope that if the kids do decide to move to Boston, you'll come

and stay with us.

Visit us?

Excuse me?

We don't have a lot of room.

No, I mean about the move to Boston part.

Didn't Rachel mention it? No, Rachel didn't.

I didn't want to upset you guys until Kevin and I made our final decision,

Rachel, why on earth would you want to move to Boston? Not that it's not a

lovely city.

Sybil, you have to admit that Los Angeles is not the best place in the

raise a family.

Oh, come on. And L .A.'s a great place. I raised my family here.

Yes, we know.

There's lots of great things about this city. There's... Disneyland.

Disneyland. We have Disneyland. Yes. Where's our grandchild going to go for

in Boston?

Harvard.

We have mountains. We have valleys.

We have oceans.

White with foam.

I think what we all want for a grandchild is an environment that

healthy values.

And we all know about Hollywood and show business.

I think I see the problem here.

Yes, I'm an actress. Yes, just a stuntman.

But we're no different than anyone else. We work hard.

And we love our children.

That's Kevin.

This sleazy image you have of people in show business is just something you see

on TV and in the movies.

Sorry I'm late.

Damn cocaine anonymous meetings go on forever.

So

I'm

in the shower this morning trying to come up with an idea. When I drop the

and it hits me, why not do an all -gay soap opera?

It's brilliant.

Think of it.

Beautiful men, beautiful women, living together, loving together, great taste

clothes.

Tell me the truth.

You'd watch it in Boston, wouldn't you?

Gaze of our lives.

Mother, he's just awful.

How could you invite him? Rachel, I'm trying to save my job.

Oh, my God.

You're not planning on... No, no.

No.

Honey, this is no different than when Kevin has the dean of the university

for dinner and you entertain.

But the dean doesn't discuss sadomasochism over cocktails.

I don't know about you, but I learned a lot.

Mother, you can't allow this to continue.

And you can't move to Boston without at least talking to me about it.

What? Planning on talking to you about it?

If you move to Boston, I'll never get to see my grandchild or you.

I'm not saying we're moving, Mom, but it's my baby and it's my decision.

Well, you're my baby.

And you are grounded.

You can't ground me.

No.

But I can miss you.

So I said to the cop, what's the point of having a gun in the car if you have

lock it in the glove compartment?

help me in the other room for a moment gladly i'll help you sim no no you stay

hey steph why don't you tell bed and eddie your john wayne story ed

and betty of course you are dear you

will never guess who shot me in the ass i like those

people

They're not phony like everybody else in this godforsaken town. When are they

leaving?

I'm sorry. I thought we'd have some time to talk about the show.

Oh, yeah. The show.

Who will wake up from the coma?

Well... I don't know.

But I'm thinking, whoever wakes up can't move her legs.

And the doctor says, get this, we... can't find anything physically wrong

her. That is so fresh.

Where do you come up with all this stuff?

It's a gift. I don't question it.

I promised Rachel I wouldn't show you the actual scar, but the bullet went

into this fleshy part right here.

John Wayne, imagine that.

Never call the Duke a Nancy boy after he's had a fifth of scotch.

I still got the slug up in my room. You want to see it?

In your room?

You mean you live here?

Uh, well,

no, not here, not in the house. I live way out in the garage. I'm sorry,

Remember, dear, you must keep living for the baby's sake.

Thank God it's Kevin.

you doing here?

Sybil, I just felt so terrible about what happened on the set and I just

to apologize.

Look, Barry's here.

What a surprise.

Let me show you around.

Oh, well, I want to say hi to Barry.

It's one thing for you to try to tell me on the set, but I will not have you

ruin my daughter's party. Oh, please.

Your daughter's party. I mean, no one would invite a psychopath like Barry to

their daughter's party.

Andrea, I want you out of this house this minute.

What are you going to do, darling?

Throw me out.

Let's just see the clown get gored.

I mean, we understood that.

I mean, hell, that's the reason why I go to the rodeo.

It's still going to make it an easier take, knowing that they really wanted to

see you.

Pregnancy is no excuse.

Nobody likes the fat girl.

Come with me.

It's about time.

We going upstairs?

We were never going upstairs.

Barry's not feeling well. Say goodnight, everyone.

Goodnight, Barry.

You're throwing me out?

Interesting career move.

Barry, if you want to keep the best actress, give me a call. If you don't,

don't. Either way, I will not compromise my integrity.

But if you're gay, no, Papa, go ahead.

I'd make a terrific lesbian.

Oh.

Oh.

I get it.

I think we got off to a bad start here.

How about I get the coffee and we talk grandkids?

Oh, I'd like that.

Thank you, Mother.

It's not too late to have a pleasant family evening.

sound.

Is

everybody

okay? I either spilled my drink or wet myself.

Oh, damn, it's the drink.

Rachel?

I'm okay, Kevin.

I'm glad we're talking again.

Hurry up. It's almost time. Okay, look, honey, I'll call you back later. Say

hello to Kevin. Bye.

She's finally stopped blaming me for the earthquake.

She's still thinking of moving to Boston. Not right away.

Apparently she can't sell her house till they get it back up the hill. Oh, good.

I love happy endings.

Let's watch Andrea come out of her coma.

We lost them both, Doctor?

Well... I did everything I could.

It's almost as if neither woman wanted to live.

We're both dead?

Doctor, look.

Monica's hand moved. What? What?

Monica's alive.

No, I'm not.

My legs.

I can't feel my legs.

I don't believe it.

They recast my part.

How can they do that to you?

unfair.

It's Laura from General Hospital. I love her.