Original subtitles

Before you pass, there's something I'd like to say.

If I'm guilty of a crime, then that crime is loving too much.

Can you understand that?

I loved my husband more than you'll ever know.

But when I discovered he was cheating on me, I went insane. I just went crazy.

I'm so sorry.

Sorry?

Madam, you stabbed your husband 37 times.

I know. I kind of got into it.

Have you anything else to say?

Yes. I wish.

I wish my arm hadn't gotten tired.

Was that okay?

That was incredible.

Just incredible, Stan.

I'm shaking.

try it a different way if you'd like? More tears?

No, that was perfect.

I don't think there's any question here, Stan.

Absolutely not.

Sybil, if you want the part, it's yours.

Are you kidding? It's a great part.

Thank you so much.

No, no.

Thank you. Oh, thank you.

I'm so excited.

Congrats.

Your report to the set on Wednesday.

Wednesday, great.

We'll shoot the nude scene first, get it out of the way. Right, that's so great.

The what?

Um, nude scene? We made a few little changes in the script.

Oh, just tinkering, really.

How nude?

Well, I think we would be safe in saying that Brett would be involved, Stan.

Well, yeah, definitely.

Brett?

Is that a problem?

I'm not sure. I guess not. If it's, you know, motivated.

Not just some kinky shower scene with a sleazy prison guard.

Stan?

Work if you can get it, and if you get it, won't you tell me how?

Does the warden know you're here?

Does the warden know you're here?

Does the warden know you're here?

And you wonder why I don't invite my friends over.

I'd like to accept this Oscar on behalf of topless women prisoners everywhere.

Oh, Jeff, come on in.

Oh, thanks.

And thanks for storing all this junk.

You are definitely my favorite ex -wife. And you are definitely one of my ex

-husbands.

That aftershock really trashed your condo, huh? It could have been worse. I

managed to save all this.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Yeah, well, it was time to move anyway.

Bathroom was getting kind of gross.

What she did for love. What's this?

It's a cable movie I was offered.

Woman falls from grace and finds redemption in prison.

Ooh, nude shower scene.

Lesbian or straight?

Straight. Oh, too bad.

You're amazing.

Two men together grosses you out, but two women turns you on. No, two women

intrigue me. Three women turn me on.

So you gonna do the movie?

Oh, I don't know. Probably not.

How come? You've done nude scenes before.

Oh, Jeff.

That was 20 years ago.

Things aren't...

Where they used to be.

I don't believe that. The Pointer Sisters?

Let me see.

Get out of here!

Come on, I'll give you an honest opinion.

I mean, it's not like I've never seen them before.

It's not like you'll ever see them again.

Bye, Jeff.

Wait, wait, I brought you something.

What? Some old home movies of you and Rachel when she was a baby.

Oh, Jeff.

I had them transferred to videotape. That's wonderful.

Thoughtful, too, don't you think?

Just turn it on.

Oh, my.

Look at Rachel. Can you believe our baby is going to have a baby?

Time flies.

She was so beautiful.

Oh, yeah. What about you?

There's the girl I married.

There's the girl who could do a new shower scene.

Oh, we were a happy little family, huh?

Yes, we were.

Hmm.

Well, darling, I better go find myself a motel.

Motel? To the uncondemned condo. I got to stay somewhere.

I was thinking about that little adobe place in Burbank. You know, the one next

to the freeway under the power lines?

It's not so bad.

Oh, keep the tape. I want you to have it. Jeff, wait.

You know I have that little efficiency over the garage. Why don't you just stay

there a few days till you find another place? Thanks, but I don't want to

impose. Oh, you're not imposing. It's what, 20 years since I threw you out?

We're like old friends.

You sure?

Yeah, come on. I'll get you some blankets and towels.

How about that? It worked.

And it would have worked if you just asked, too.

give you drugs.

Marianne, I don't even know if I'm doing the movie.

So you're just firming up your bosoms for me?

You must believe.

I know I could be great in it.

Then do it.

But I'm going to be a grandmother. Grandmothers don't do nude scenes.

Then don't do it. Of course, I could think of it as striking a blow for all

middle -aged women to show that mature bodies are beautiful.

Then do it. I don't know, maybe.

Did I tell you I'll let Jeff move back in?

Then don't do it.

Did we change the subject?

Forget it! No, no, this sounds interesting.

You let your ex -husband move back in? The condo was condemned.

I mean, am I a wonderfully supportive ex -wife or just a humongous schmuck? A

wonderfully supportive ex -wife.

Schmuck?

When does ex -husband number two move in? He's not, but we are having dinner

tonight.

Shut up!

I didn't say a word.

We get together once a month to talk about Zoe.

Yes, very civilized.

Well, at least I get along with my ex -husband.

I get along great with Dr.

Dick.

Uh -huh. You want to tell me how his jaguar wound up at the bottom of his

Sybil, the man dumped me after 25 years of marriage without the courtesy of an

explanation, and out of the goodness of my heart, I washed his car.

Boob job? No.

Boob job? No.

Boob job? Stop it. I'm just trying to be helpful.

Steroid?

Really? Zoe told me it was a school -sponsored, fully chaperoned field trip.

To Tijuana?

I don't know. Social studies?

Ira, wake up. Our daughter is the Antichrist.

If you're going to share custody, you've got to understand, she doesn't play

with Barbies anymore. She plays with mines.

Hey, that's a good line.

Can I use that in my new book?

I didn't know you were writing a new book. That's great.

What's it about?

Promise not to laugh?

No.

The main character is a woman. I'm writing the entire book from a

female perspective.

Okay. You're being judgmental. Remember what the marriage counselor said?

Yes, he said I should leave you. No, before that, about you being judgmental.

Well, if I was judgmental, it was only because you were condescending. I wasn't

condescending. Ira, you gave me a summer reading list. You're right, that was

condescending. I'm sorry.

So what's that supposed to mean? It means I'm sorry.

It's more important that we communicate than for me to win an argument.

So I win?

This is not about winning or losing.

But I do win. That's not funny. All right, you win.

See, I can say that now because in writing this book, I've discovered a

myself that is nurturing, not competitive.

That's the part of me I've always suppressed, the female part.

Welcome to my world.

My point is, if I'd been in touch with it when we were married, I would have

been a much better husband.

Ira, that is so enlightened.

Oh, unlike you.

I mean it. I'm trying to deal with some of the issues that got in the way of our

relationship. Destroyed our relationship.

Another way to say it.

A judgmental way.

You're right.

So, I win?

Nah, through your bones.

Hey.

Are you in a hurry to get home?

Why? Well, I thought we could take a drive. Maybe talk some more.

Maybe go through the canyon in my new, yes, I'm having a midlife crisis, German

sports car.

Hmm, I don't know. Can I drive?

Oh, Sybil, I'm not sure you can handle a 300 -horsepower, high -performance

vehicle with a fully condescending remark like that. I suppose I have to

drive. Good save.

Thank you.

I didn't order the sorbet. It's on me.

Okay, okay, I think I've got it now. This is fifth, and this is reverse.

Yes, and I wish you'd asked me that before you hit 70 miles an hour on a

freeway.

That was scary, wasn't it?

Thank God no one was behind us.

You're pretty mad, huh? No, no, I'm fine.

It's only a car.

My priorities are in order.

Beautiful view, isn't it? How the whole sky's lit up like that.

Incredible. I just hope they put out the fire before it reaches Encino.

Yeah.

You know, I've been thinking about it. I really think you should do the movie.

You have beautiful breasts.

Ira. No, I'm serious. Every movie I see, the actresses have these artificial

breasts that are about as sexy and inviting as two Tupperware bowls with

nipples.

So what do I have, Ziploc bags?

No. You have the real thing.

As far as I'm concerned, nothing can compare with that.

You know, that soft kind of gentle, Pendulous quality.

And only real breasts can nourish a child. To me, that's a miracle.

They should be exalted, not altered.

Revered, not revised.

I can't believe you're the same man who used to gag whenever I had lactate.

Come on, I'm trying here.

I know you are.

Hey, remember this from our wedding?

Our first dance was man in white.

Till your mother cut in. Yeah.

Why don't we finish that dance now?

Dance here?

You're crazy.

No, I'm condescending.

Come on.

I am changing, you know. That waiter seemed to think so.

I'm more patient.

You're standing.

This last year being alone has really forced me to reevaluate a lot of things.

Figure out what's important.

I've got you under my skin.

I've got you. Well, that's it.

Let go.

I... What?

Hey! Hey! What are you doing?

Hey!

Come back here!

Right now!

Please.

Oh, God, Ira.

My Porsche.

My brand -new Porsche.

Now, come on.

Remember what you said.

Priorities. It's just a car. Oh, please, Sybil. Where have you been? It's not

just a car.

It's a $70 ,000 penis.

What a waste of time. The police are no help at all.

Why? Just because they couldn't spare a helicopter to look for your car? What am

I paying taxes for?

They're never there when you need them, but roll through one stop sign... Oh,

come on, Ira. Neither one of us was hurt. You have insurance.

True. And you probably destroyed the transmission anyway.

That's the spirit!

You know, aside from my car being stolen and a two -mile walk through the

canyon, I had a great time tonight.

Don't forget outrunning the coyotes. That was fun, too.

Yeah.

Well, I should go.

Cab's outside.

Good night.

Good night.

Don't worry, he doesn't bite.

What is that?

That's my dog.

No, that's no dog. I've seen dogs. That's a very ugly pony.

Excuse me.

What's Jeff doing here? I don't think it's really any of your business.

I was talking to Sybil.

He's staying?

Just for a few days. My condo got condemned.

Oh, right. There was no other housing in the city of Los Angeles.

If you really must know, I'll handle it. She can speak for herself. Yes, I can.

I know what you're trying to do, pal.

It's not going to work. So why don't you just take Cujo here and leave?

His name is Duke. I am not your pal. And why don't you leave, book boy? Book

boy? You're the one who should leave. No, I think you should leave. I know who

should leave. I think the first one to leave should be the first one to leave.

Hey, if I hadn't cheated on her, you wouldn't even be here. Oh, that's

to be proud of.

Huh.

How about that?

You hungry? I made a pot roast.

I could eat.

ex -husbands, but you can't. Hey, that was mine.

You open your home to them and they bring Darkzilla.

Can I have my drink, Sam? You try to cooperate on child -rearing, they start

singing and dancing.

I'm really thirsty.

You have one little conversation about your breasts. Next thing you know,

somebody rips off their $70 ,000 penis.

Maybe I've had enough.

Did I mention that I kissed Ira?

Uh, give me a second. I'm still stuck on the $70 ,000 penis.

appraisal on that sort of thing.

You're lucky you and your ex hate each other the way God intended.

Well, we work at it.

Simple, darling.

Let me ask you a question.

Do you want to reconcile with Ira? No.

Well, why did you kiss him? I don't know.

Well, you'd better figure it out.

Why? What are you getting at?

I have no idea.

What a shame.

Marianne, that was your ex -husband. What to?

What to? Okay, you got me.

I just called to say I loathe you.

I cannot believe you're making Frank call.

find out who she is. Oh, no, you're not. I bet it's that little blonde toad who

cleaned the teeth.

Mary Ann, you are not going. Oh, yes, I am. Are you coming with me? No.

All right.

You can watch it on the news.

I'll drive.

Yes, that's right.

Eleven pizzas with anchovies and...

Dr. Richard Thorpe.

Marianne, wherever she is, she's not coming out. Can we go now? Not yet. I

him. He'll make her answer the door for the pizza guy.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Richard.

I know I've not been calling you and hanging up. What kind of a lunatic do

think I am?

Actually, I am right now on a date with a very potent man.

And you're interrupting.

All right. I accept your apology.

Good night.

Marianne, I can't sit here all night having an early breakfast meeting with

agent. Oh, then blow it up. I can't. I have to decide if I'm going to do this

movie. Now, come on. I want you to tell me the truth.

Do you think if I do it, I'll just humiliate myself?

Of course not. Come on. I want you to give me your honest opinion.

Very much.

Let's go, Mitzi.

How very embarrassing for you.

That's it. Leave him. I am not leaving until I see her.

Mary Ann, this is insane.

Your life still revolves around your ex -husband.

It's like there's this invisible rope that ties you to him. And it's time to

sever it once and for all.

Sever it.

I like the sound of that.

To be divorced, you need to be spiritually divorced.

You know what we could do? We could have some kind of divorce ceremony.

Something really symbolic. Like what?

Come on, Mitzi.

Hello again.

Good girl, Mitzi.

That was a good one.

You did a big doo -doo for Daddy.

Beautiful ceremony.

Where's the reception?

Your house.

Oh, good.

An open bar.

Sybil, judgmental?

There was plenty of judging when she found those Polaroids in my toolbox.

I'm guessing they weren't of her.

Well, no.

Put a real crimp in the marriage.

Do you think you and Sybil get back together?

I don't know.

Every time we start to get along, I make the mistake of speaking.

Hey, fib.

Hey, pumpkin.

What is wrong with this picture?

Jeff and I are just catching up.

On what?

Ah, you know, ex -husband stuff.

What is this, the I Married Sybil Club?

We were talking about this movie of yours. Come here, sit down.

We've decided you shouldn't do it. Definitely not.

You know, I was in favor of it, but Jeff makes a very valid argument, even

though you still have a beautiful figure.

Very sexy. No question, but still, a shower scene in a prison movie? Even a

classy prison movie. Just seems sleazy.

What would Rachel and Zoe think? Can't forget your mom.

Almost a grandma.

So, my ex -husbands have been sitting around my house making decisions about

life and my body over beer.

My beer.

You know, I could... easily fly into an unspeakable rage right now.

But I'm not going to.

Nope.

Instead, I'm just going to take old Duke here for a little walk.

Come on, boys.

You want us to come with you?

No, no, no. Make yourself at home. Kick off your shoes.

And if the doorbell rings, make sure you answer it.

Dibble, you look incredible.

Yeah, just like I remember him.

Thanks. I work hard at it.

When are you going to tell them that's a body double? When are you going to shut

up?

You said you'd do anything to get out of longer detail.

You have no idea what I'll do.

Here comes the good part.

This is what justified the nude scene for me.

I've got a big surprise for you.

You've got to close my eyes.

Oh, no.

You're going to want to see this.