Original subtitles

I wish this night could last forever.

It can.

No.

Nothing's forever.

You're wrong.

Death is forever.

Cut! Cut!

Sorry!

My fault.

Cut.

Cut.

He licked my neck. Oh, no, I didn't. You rat, admit it. You licked my neck.

Did you lick her neck?

Yeah, maybe a little.

Ha!

Listen, Miss Sheridan, here's the deal.

I really went out on a limb to get you this job. The producers wanted a much

younger victim.

I'm sorry. I appreciate the work. I really need the work. I promise I'll get

right this time. If you need motivation to keep from laughing, visualize a

career in food services.

Thanks.

That helped.

I think I'm in love.

It's not for sale.

I wasn't talking about the car.

Still no sale.

My name's Teddy.

Sybil. Would you like to have dinner tonight, Sybil?

Sorry, I only date guys from the carpool.

Did I mention I love animals?

Oh, in that case, give me your phone number.

Do you want mine?

Call me too?

Sorry I'm late. I was picking up guys on the freeway.

No, I'm on my second gimlet.

Marianne, if you don't ease up on that stuff, I'm going to take you back to

Betty Ford.

Well, three times the charm.

Guess who had his hair permed? No.

He looks like a deranged poodle.

You're better off without it.

One more gimlet. And a jack and ginger for the natural blonde.

Let us not speak about the evil Dr.

Dick again.

Good.

Can we talk about my life? Yes, your life.

I put that son of a bitch through med school.

Hey, hey, hey. Come on. We've been through this. I know, I know.

No wallowing. No self -pity. No decapitated bunny rabbits in his

wasn't a real bunny.

I just spent three hours getting my neck sucked by a guy who had garlic and

clams for breakfast.

Then I lost a great part in a movie, Hooker with the Heart of Gold. Oh,

novel. Yeah, well, they thought it'd be more of a family film if they cast a

younger, perkier whore.

Apparently, middle -aged prostitutes are depressing.

So much for my plans to reenter the workforce.

Problem is, I'm a woman. If I was a man, they wouldn't say I was too old to play

a hooker.

Don't be so sure, honey.

Oh, my.

What? Don't turn around.

Your ex -husband just walked in. Which one? Number two.

And you won't believe what's hanging off of him. How old is it?

Let's find out. Ira!

Hey, come say hello.

Dirty rock. Come on, it'll be fun. Thank you.

Hi. Hi, Ira.

Hi, girls.

Uh, Sybil.

Marianne.

Actually, my name's Kathy, but my friends all call me Kat, because I love

and it's short for Kathy.

Even though I spell Kathy with a K, and Kat, you know, is spelled with a C.

Marianne, I was sorry to hear about you and Richard.

Dick.

Well, I'm sure there was fault on both sides.

Do I still have Zoe this weekend? Is that a problem? No, not at all. I asked

if we could take her with us to a rap concert.

Really?

She's kidding, right?

No, Kat's really turned me on to rap.

Incredible vitality, all that ghetto rage stuff.

Ira, you've never even been downtown.

I watch the riots on TV.

See you Friday.

Bye, Kat.

With a C.

Bye.

You know what's amazing, Marianne?

They make vodka from wheat.

No, what's amazing is...

How quickly till death do us part turns into what was I thinking?

I just want you to know that even though I'm dating, I still love you. And I

want us to be together again.

Look, Ira, we've got a nice little divorce going. You're a good father to

Let's just leave things the way they are, okay?

Would it change anything if I told you that I actually fantasize about you when

I'm having sex with Kat?

No. Okay? See ya.

You handled that very well.

Very grown up, very mature.

Ow!

Thanks.

Hey, Zoe, how was school?

God, why do you always ask me that? You know what annoys me?

I saw your father today.

Was he with Dress Up Barbie?

Oh, you've met Cat.

We've been seeing.

People with cute nicknames should be used for food.

Such a happy child.

Oh, don't go up to Derek. I let a friend of mine use your shower. My shower?

Is that a problem?

Yes, although I'm thrilled your friends are starting to bathe.

This is Sybil. Sybil, this is Kelly.

Hey, Sybil.

Call me Mom.

Well,

it's very nice to meet you.

Same here. Get out.

Okay.

I'll call you later, Zell. All right. See you later.

Is there something you want to tell Mommy?

Not what it looks like. What are you saying? You're being framed?

Mother, your mind just automatically goes to sex. Is that all you think

Sex? You want me to say no, don't you?

Kelly rode his bike over from UCLA and he was all sweaty. UCLA?

What is he, a freshman?

Junior. 19?

20. Did you tell him you were only 16?

I might have said 16. I might have said 23. What is the difference?

you nothing but to a jury of his peers plenty.

We're just dating. You're going to tell me you didn't date older guys when you

were my age? That was different. There was a war on.

Did you sleep with them?

Zoe, I don't want you going out with 20 -year -old men. You're just going to get

hurt. You don't understand. I said the same thing to my mother. But I'm old

enough to make my own decisions. I said that too.

Mother, I swear, if you mess this up for me, I'll become a lesbian.

I call all my ex -wives pumpkin. I speak for all of us.

What are you doing here?

I don't know. Rachel called and said she wanted to talk to us.

Really? Hey, Zoe, did Rachel call?

Oh, yes. It's coming over tonight.

Thanks, sweetheart.

Is this a bad time?

Well, actually, yes. I'm getting ready to go out on a date. Oh, how did your

movie go?

Oh, great. A lot of stunt work.

Thank God for Steven Seagal movies.

Boy, that's something you don't hear every day.

There was this one really cool scene where I get thrown from a speeding train

with my head on fire. You should have seen it. That would be great. Well,

nobody's head burns like yours.

Hi, Dad.

Hi, Rach. Hi, Mom.

What's going on? Is everything okay?

Everything's fine.

I just had something I wanted to tell you guys, and I didn't want to do it

the phone.

You're pregnant.

Mom, you always do this.

Are you really? I wanted to.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Go ahead, say it. I'll act surprised.

Jeff, act surprised.

I'm going to have a baby.

Oh, Rachel!

Oh, Rachel, that's great. That's so great. You even waited until after you

married.

Well, I thought I'd start a new family tradition.

Good one.

You told her?

She was at our wedding, Jeff.

Oh, honey, you are going to be such a wonderful mother. You and Kevin are

to be such wonderful parents.

A baby. There's going to be a baby.

Oh, you know, I kept your crib in the stroller. We'll go shopping. I'll buy

some maternity clothes. That's okay, Mom. I really don't care how I look when

I'm pregnant.

Honey, trust me. When you wake up one morning and trip over your breast,

going to want to put on something pretty.

Well, there's the difference between you and me, Mom. I'm not an actress. I

don't need to be pretty. I don't need to be the center of attention.

You're a...

That this is my fault. I offered you free clothes.

Hey, we're going to be grandparents. Not now, Jeff. Rachel, all I meant was...

I'm

going to be a grandmother.

Hey, Jeff.

Hey, Zoe. Hey, Rich. What's up?

I'm going to have a baby.

Cool. Whose?

on the freeway?

Unbelievable.

Oh, my God.

Hey, Zoe, rap concert with Dad. Let's get funky. Oh, God.

Hi.

We did say Friday night, didn't we?

Let me introduce you to everyone.

Let's see, you've already met... Ira.

Ira. And then this is Zoe, my daughter with Ira. And over here is Rachel, my

daughter with Jeff. Are you still with me? Yeah, sure. Rachel, Jeff,

Zoe Ira.

You won't take me back? We'll pick up strangers on the freeway?

That about sums it up.

Dibble, is this a bad time?

Nah, she's a little rattled because she just found out she's going to be a

grandma.

Hey!

This is kind of neat, you know? I mean, I've never gone out with a grandmother

before.

Well, you know what they say.

Once you've had raisins, you never go back to grapes.

I thought it was once you've had prunes, you never go back to plum.

Zoe,

this lesbian idea of yours is looking better and better.

Isn't it depressing to know that no matter how hard you work out, you're

going to be a grandmother?

I'm not depressed about becoming a grandmother. Have I ever lied about my

Nope. Have you ever been liposucked, boob job, tummy tucked? Nope. And you

why? You can't afford it.

Because I'm comfortable with myself.

Oh, I see. I am. See, there are three stages to a woman's life. Virgin,

crone. Excuse me.

Aren't you leaving out a rather lengthy fooling around stage?

Okay, virgin, cheerleader, mother, crone. Are you happy?

The point is I'm moving from the mother stage to the crone stage. I'm sort of a

crone in waiting, kind of a pre -crone.

Lovely. When do you grow the hump?

You see, in olden days, the old crone was considered to be a woman of great

knowledge and wisdom. She was revered by the tribe. Nobody cared if she was all

withered and wrinkly.

But nobody wanted to sleep with her either.

I'm not talking to you anymore. Oh, Sybil.

Darling, we don't live in a world that reveres wise old women, and you know it.

That's why you kill yourself working out five times a week. I do this for

spiritual reasons, Marianne.

The body is the temple of the soul.

And guys don't make passes at Crohn's with big asses.

It's hard to believe this is only our third date.

Yeah, I feel so comfortable with you.

I mean, not show you the video of me giving birth comfortable, but

Good. I mean, good that you feel comfortable.

And good that you're not going to show me that video.

Coyotes. Yeah, the hills are full of them.

Uh -oh. I forgot to bring the cat inside.

I think it's time for a new cat.

Winky was number three.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, well.

Where were we? Teddy, I have a confession to make.

I came here tonight with every intention of going to bed with you.

I forgive you.

Teddy, I'd be sleeping with you just to prove to myself that I'm too young to be

a grandma. You know that I've still got it.

Oh, you've still got it. And the important thing is not to waste it.

Teddy, will you just zip it up for a minute and listen to me?

I'm sorry, zipped and listening.

My whole life, I've looked for validation from men.

I was daddy's little girl, homecoming queen, Miss Bo Weevil, 1968.

Miss Bo Weevil?

Well, second runner -up, I was robbed.

Anyway, I'm none of those things anymore, and I think it's time to stop

for that kind of validation.

Do you understand?

Yes, I do. Sybil, look, I like you a lot, and I respect your feelings, and if

you feel you'd be doing this for the wrong reasons, you don't have to say

another word.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Oh, sleep with me anyway.

Oh, that is not a happy face.

What a disaster.

He's married. No.

Gay. No.

His mother walked in the bedroom while you were hanging from the ceiling in a

studded leather harness.

It's been known to happen.

Marianne, he couldn't do it. He failed to perform.

Oh!

Well, did you... warm him up?

No, Marianne. I pulled on his pants and said, go.

Give me that.

What is this?

Martini. Want one?

That would be ridiculous.

He was probably just scared.

Of what? The only thing in the room was my naked body.

Okay, maybe he was cold.

Oh, please, Marianne. Why don't we just blame it on the death of Winky?

Isn't that what we're doing?

Oh, come on, Stimple.

Come on, so you met a guy who couldn't do it.

I'd a nickel for every time my ex -husband couldn't perform.

Well, actually, I do.

Empty house.

At least you have people in your life.

Oh, yeah.

I have one ex -husband who works as a crash dummy and another who dates one.

I've got an ex -husband who gave me a restraining order at Valentine's Day.

He should see what Zoe writes about me in her diary.

At least she writes.

My son is standing on a mesa in New Mexico with a suitcase and a flashlight

trying to hitch a ride off the planet.

Even Carlita left me.

I thought she was deported. She turned herself in to get away from... the great

white pig.

Grande gringa puerca.

Should I go on?

No, honey, you win. Your life is much more pathetic than mine.

Thanks. You feel better?

Actually, I do.

You're a good friend, Marianne.

I try to be there for you, kid.

Come on, I'll make you a stiff one.

Oh, sorry.

Hello?

Yeah, honey, she's right here.

It's Zoe.

What's wrong?

Zoe?

Are you okay?

I'm fine. Let's just go.

Zoe, what do you want? You want to yell at me? You want to ground me? Just go

ahead, okay? I really don't give a damn.

I want to know what happened.

I went to a party with Kelly, and someone told him how old I was, and he

me, okay? Your father let you go out with Kelly?

No, I snuck out. Isn't that what you would have done?

Yes, but I would have had the brains to bring cab fare.

Go ahead. Let's hear the big speech.

No speech.

Yeah, right?

Oh, I had a good one.

Then I thought, mothers give speeches.

I'm a crone.

Well, actually, a pre -crone. We're very compassionate and forgiving.

What? Come here.

You are a very strange woman.

Really?

I like to think of myself as being very wise.

You may actually want to start revering me.

Oh, really? Let's hear you say something very wise.

Okay. I told you so.

I'm afraid you two will have to come down to the station and answer some

questions. Oh, my.

Darling. Don't worry, darling.

Surely you don't suspect us, officer.

How could I not suspect you? Everywhere you go, people die.

Three lines of dialogue and then you die?

Marianne, to actors, there are no small parts. Only small checks.

Darling, it appears that our killer is getting desperate.

Why do you say that, darling?

Well, look.

This woman is clearly much older than the other victims.