Original subtitles

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Take this pink ribbon off my eyes

I'm exposed and it's no big surprise

Don't you think I know exactly where I stand?

This world is forcing me to hold your hand

'Cause I'm just a girl Oh, little ol' me

Well, don't let me out of your sight

Oh, I'm just a girl All pretty and petite

So don't let me have any rights

Oh, I've had it up to here

The moment that I step outside

So many reasons for me to run and hide

I can't do the little things I hold so dear

It's all those little things that I fear

'Cause I'm just a girl I'd rather not be

'Cause they won't let me drive late at night

Oh, I'm just a girl Guess I'm some kind of freak

'Cause they all sit and stare with their eyes

Oh, am I makin' myself clear?

I'm just a girl

I'm just a girl in the world

WOMAN #1: How much is this, Lori?

WOMAN #2: It's very expensive.

WOMAN #1: It's very expensive.

Look, I got money to spend in here.

I don't think we have anything for you.

You're obviously in the wrong place.

Please leave.

MICHELE: You know, even though we've watched Pretty Woman,

like, 36 times,

I never get tired of making fun of it.

ROMY: Oh, I know.

Aw, poor thing. Look, they won't let her shop.

Yeah, like those salesgirls in Beverly Hills

aren't bigger whores than she is.

(GIGGLES) I know!

(MOURNFUL PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

ROMY: Oh, my God, listen to that sad, sad music as she leaves.

It's, like, "boo-hoo." Uh...

(LAUGHS)

But it is, actually, kind of sad.

(SAD MUSIC CONTINUES)

Anything you see here, we can do. Get ready to have some fun. Okay?

Mary Pat, Mary Kate, Mary Francis, Tovah? Let's see it. Come on.

(STIFLED GIGGLE)

I just get really happy when they finally let her shop.

Okay, so I have nothing to wear.

We don't even have time to make anything new before we go out.

Well, what about this?

Did you lose weight?

Actually, I have been trying this new fat-free diet I invented.

All I've had to eat for the past six days are Gummi Bears,

jelly beans and candy corns.

God, I wish I had your discipline.

-I can't believe how cute I look. -I know!

You know what? This is, like, the cutest we've ever looked.

It's definitely the cutest.

Don't you love how we can say that to each other

and know we're not being conceited?

Oh, I know. No, we're just being honest.

Be my lover Wanna be my lover

(CROWD SHOUTING AND CHATTERING)

Forever, take your time You know you gotta be sure

Before I make you mine Baby, you gotta be sure

You wanna be my lover Wanna be my lover

God, I hope some cute guys get here tonight.

-They were cute last night. -They were cute!

-Really cute! -Oh...

Hey, Michele, Romy.

-We'll take two Diet Cokes. -Right, with extra cherries.

-Don't move. I'll be right back. -MICHELE: Okay.

I have the yuckiest taste in my mouth from those taquitos.

-Ew. - I hope I don't get indigestion.

Remember that time I barfed from bad Mexican food? It was so gross.

Oh, my God, I hate throwing up in public.

Me too!

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

I can't believe it. There are absolutely no guys here tonight.

I know. None.

Come on, Michele, let's just go dance with ourselves.

Okay.

So put your hands in the air

'Cause there's a party over here So grab yourself a beer

Swear to God, sometimes I wish I were a lesbian.

Do you wanna try to have sex some time, just to see if we are?

What? Yeah, right, Michele.

Just the thought of having sex with another woman creeps me out.

But if we're not married by the time we're 30, ask me again.

Okay.

Tell me, can you feel the

Masked girls comin' with the fever, fever, fever

Ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh Sta yin' alive, eta yin' alive

Ahh-ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh

Sta yin' alive Sta yin' alive

Ahh-ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh

Sta yin' alive Sta yin' alive

Ahh-ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh

Sta yin' alive Sta yin' alive

Ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh

Sta yin' alive Sta yin' alive

ROMY: (ON ♪.A.)) Two-four-three?

Two-four-three.

(BUZZING)

Two-four-three.

Two-four-three.

Two-four-three.

Service.

Number 2-4-3.

That's beautiful. Is that real wood?

During this century, boys.

(MAN CLEARS THROAT)

Come on, Ramon, quit jerking off and bring the car around.

(TIRES SCREECH)

It's about time.

Mmm. Romy.

You are looking hot today.

Yeah, that's because I'm sweating like a pig in here.

The air conditioning's working in the service office.

You might want to come by and, uh, cool off later?

Yeah, Ramon. That'll happen.

Sorry, ma'am. He is such an asshole.

-Mmm. -(MAN CLEARS THROAT)

I'm in a hurry.

Well, I'm going as fast as I can, Miss Mooney.

"Heather."

Heather Mooney?

From Sagebrush High in Tucson?

Yeah?

It's Romy. Romy White!

-You're shittin' me. -No!

This is so weird! I didn't know you were living in LA.

Well, now that you know, will we be getting together a lot?

(BRAYING LAUGH)

So, God, you're driving a new Jaguar? What do you do?

-Ever hear of Lady Fair cigarettes? -The ones that burn down fast?

Twice the taste in half the time for the gal on the go.

I invented the quick-burning paper.

Wow. (CHUCKLES)

-You goin' to the reunion? -What reunion?

Our 10-year high school reunion in Tucson.

You're kidding me. It's been 10 years since high school?

God. Where have I been?

I'm stumped. Where?

(LAUGHS) Anyway, are you going?

I'd rather put this out in my ass.

I wonder why we didn't get an invitation.

I'm sure Michele would have told me if she got one.

-Michele Weinberger? -Mmm-hmm.

Do you live with Michele Weinberger?

-Yeah. -(SHUDDERS AND CHUCKLES)

I just thought she'd be married to Sandy by now.

-Sandy Frink? (CHUCKLES) -Yes, Sandy Frink.

He could barely contain his erection every time she was around.

Why do you think he always carried that huge notebook?

The Frink-a-zoid and Michele? I'm sure.

Besides, didn't you have a thing for Sandy in high school?

(CHUCKLES)

I did not have a "thing."

I did not have a "thing."

I was very much in love with him.

Very much in love. There's a difference.

There's a difference.

There's a difference.

(WHISPERS) I have to go now.

(RECEIPT PRINTING)

Well... (CLEARS THROAT)

I guess I won't be seeing you at the reunion,

but I'll tell everyone you said "hi."

Why don't you tell everyone to go fuck themselves

for making my teen years a living hell.

(LAUGHS) Yeah, right.

Finally. (SIGHS)

(DIALING)

Michele, you will never guess who I just ran into.

(GIGGLING) God, I cannot believe it's already been 10 years.

I know.

-(GASPS) There she is. -Oh!

God, she was so weird.

She still is.

Why was she always going behind that building?

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

It was long ago

Seems like yesterday

Saw you standin' in the rain

Got a light?

I want to love but it comes out wrong

Thank you. Thank you!

Thank you!

I really appreciate that

because I'm not a human being or anything, you pathetic turd!

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

There should be a cigarette you can smoke

all the way through between classes.

What a waste.

-Okay, find us. -Oh. Okay.

ROMY: Oh, my God, do you remember what a big controversy it was

for us to have our picture taken together?

(LAUGHING)

Yeah, well, Danny Weller, like, lodged that complaint and, you know...

"Cause, alphabetically, he was supposed to be between us.

Then we said, "Okay, Danny, if you wanna be between us

"you can come to Michele's house on Friday night and we'll be waiting."

That's right. He came over and we're like, "Danny, it was a joke."

I know! And then we turned the sprinklers on him!

Oh, my God!

Didn't he die?

-I think so. -Yeah.

Oh, my God, Michele.

-Look at the "A" group. -Mmm-hmm.

Christie Masters, Kelly Possenger, Lisa Luder and Cheryl Quick.

So, who would you say was in the "B" group?

Oh. The drama crowd. You know, like Casey Degan and Mark Black.

Uh-huh. God, I had the hugest crush on Casey.

-Remember? -Oh, yeah.

God, I wonder why he never liked me.

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

Young man, there's no need to feel down...

So, what group would you say we were in?

Well, we definitely weren't in the "A" group.

But we weren't really in the "B" group either.

Okay, we weren't in the "C" group, were we?

What? Oh, no.

Michele, come on. That was, like, all the honour students and rejects.

You know, like Sandy Frink and Heather Mooney.

MICHELE: Ew, look at them.

ROMY: We were definitely not in that group. (SCOFFS)

Michele! Oh, Michele!

Over here!

Want me to get your huge notebook for you?

Heather, I wanna take another picture of you and Sandy for the yearbook!

(GASPS) I wanna interview you too,

because I think it would make a really interesting article for the Roundup.

Oh, Toby! Fuck off.

Okay. But can I take a picture of you first?

So, Romy, what group were we in?

You know, I'm not sure that we were really in any group.

I think maybe we were more like loners.

ROMY: Oh, my God! There we are!

MICHELE: Yeah, and alone. Look.

Even though I had to wear that stupid back brace and you were kind of fat,

we were still totally cutting edge.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

-I love it when it's hamburger day. -Uh-huh.

-TOBY: Okay, smile! -(SHUTTER CLICKS)

Great! Thanks a lot!

-Oh, please. -Can I take your picture?

Hello, girls. Don't forget you have detention after school today.

Oh, we won't, Mr. Lish.

We're really looking forward to it.

(LAUGHS)

-God! -Can you believe he just got married?

Like, how desperate is she?

I know. It's like, "Hi. This is my husband.

"He dissects crayfish, but he has a really good personality."

He's the kind of man that I desire

Sets the summer sun on fire

I want candy

ROMY: Oh, my God.

Michele.

Billy Christianson.

He's so cute.

-He is cute. -Really cute.

Hi, Billy.

Hey

Hey

Hey

(BILLY CHORTLING)

Oh! Billy!

Gosh, you're so slimy!

I cannot believe he's with Christie Masters.

I know. She is, like, so transparent.

Did you hear her report in Miss Weigatt's class?

She actually thinks she's gonna be a TV anchorwoman.

What a deludanoid.

(GIGGLING)

Those weirdos are staring at us again.

-They're obsessed with us. -Look at what they're wearing.

Where do you even get outfits that hideous?

They made them in Home Ec from their own patterns.

Actually, I think they're semi-interesting.

In a freakish, off-putting sort of way. Never mind.

Christie, come on. I'm hungry.

No, Billy, wait. I wanna have some fun.

Lisa, gimme the bag.

(GIGGLES)

Here you go.

You are so bad.

What? What?

She is out of control.

Michele, Christie Masters is coming over here.

MICHELE: Wow. She never comes over.

Okay, just act cool.

Hi.

-Hi. -Hi, Christie.

So, you girls gonna try out for the spring musical?

-Us? -Yeah. You should.

It'll be fun.

Okay. Why not?

-(BRACE SQUEAKS) -Yeah! So, what musical are they doing?

-The Music Man. -You're kidding!

Oh, the Wells Fargo wagon is a-comin' down the street

- I love The Music Man. -(BRACE SQUEAKS)

Okay.

Can I have the rest of this?

Um...

Mmm.

It's good.

-See ya! -(SQUEAKING)

She can be really nice when she wants to be.

Michele!

Uh-oh. Don't look now. Here comes the Frink-a-zoid.

Oh, God, he is such a geek.

-Hi, Michele. -(SQUEAKS)

Gee, Michele, you're looking really lovely today.

-Okay. See you in Biology. -(SQUEAKS)

I thought I ought to tell you, Michele,

that Christie Masters stuck magnets on your back.

-What? -She stuck...

Michele, you do have magnets on your back.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

-(GIRLS LAUGHING) -Oh, my God. Help me.

Oh, my God.

Don't let them see you get upset. That's what they want.

Oh, my God.

(FORCES LAUGH)

Hey!

I'm pretending you just did something hilarious.

Now you laugh at me. Do it!

God, that was so rude.

I mean, you couldn't help it if you had scoliosis.

I know.

And what a bitch, taking your hamburger.

I mean, what was that?

(GASPS) God, remember the prom?

-You got so thin by then. -Oh, I know.

I was so lucky getting mono. That was, like, the best diet ever.

(SIGHS)

I wonder if I'd gotten my brace off sooner

if somebody would've invited me.

I mean, other than Sandy Frink.

ROMY: Well, nobody invited me either.

MICHELE: Well, at least we looked fantastic,

and that is the most important thing.

('80s POP ROCK PLAYING)

Oh, gee. Nice outfits. Really.

(GIGGLING)

Look, it's the Madonna twins.

Could believe, do

And share in what was true

Okay, this is so typical.

Of course we're the only ones who don't look like we're going to a hoedown.

-I know. This town is, like, so unhip. -(SCOFFS)

-I can't wait till we move to LA. -Me too!

Everything's gonna happen for us there, Michele,

and we'll never look back.

Okay.

Dance hall days

Dance hall days

(GRUNTING)

That hurt, but it looked really good.

Dance hall days

(APPLAUSE)

Everybody!

Okay, everyone.

It's the moment we've all been waiting for.

It's time to announce the king and queen of the prom.

(SARCASTICALLY) Oh!

And the winners are...

Billy Christianson and Christie Masters!

-(APPLAUSE) - Oh!

Duh.

-Oh, it's me! -(FANFARE PLAYING)

Ah!

Boo-hoo! I'm so surprised!

Thank you. Thank you.

God, Billy looks cute in his tux.

-He does look cute. -Really cute.

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

(FANFARE ENDS)

Do you think, since this is the last night of school

and I might never see him again,

that maybe he would dance with me?

I bet he would. I mean, it's senior prom.

Nobody's gonna say "no" to anyone tonight.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Michele.

Since this is the last night of school and all,

would you care to dance with me once?

No. (SCOFFS)

I'll dance with you!

Nah.

It's no fun unless you really love the person.

Thanks anyway.

Okay, who can name the capitals of all the 50 states?

Okay, Toby. Fuck off!

Heather!

Can't you be a little bit more sensitive?

Me? Me?

Me be more sensitive?

You are a jerk-off!

Albuquerque.

Albany.

(MUSIC PLAYING DISTANTLY)

There's no doubt You're in deep

Your throat is tight You can't breathe

Another kiss is all you need

Why are you tormenting me?

Why don't you go fuck a sheep or your sister or yourself?

Brain-dead redneck asshole!

You know, you're gonna have to face it You're addicted to love

You see the signs But you can't read

You're runnin' at a different speed

Your heart beats In double time

Um, Billy?

Hi.

Do you wanna dance?

I mean, it's just 'cause this song is, like, so great.

Mmm, never mind.

Unless, you know, you want to.

Yeah. I...

Sure. Why not?

Really?

Could you wait here?

...I'll be right back.

Okay.

You know, you're gonna have to face it You're addicted to love

Might as well face it You're addicted to love

Hey, Christie.

That Romy girl just asked me to dance with her.

Oh, you're kidding me. Oh, that's pathetic.

(STAMMERING) What should I do?

Let me take care of this.

(UPBEAT SONG PLAYS)

-Michele! -Oh, God! Okay, so what did he say?

"Sure. Why not?"

Oh, my God!

(BOTH SQUEALING, LAUGHING)

Thanks a lot, Romy.

What?

Thanks for stealing my boyfriend.

-What are you talking about? -Billy just broke up with me.

Apparently he's had a crush on you since Mr. Roswell's class.

Now that he knows you like him,

he doesn't want to pretend with me anymore.

My life was perfect and you ruined it.

(SOBS, SQUEALS)

I swear to God, Christie, I didn't even think he'd dance with me.

Wow. She is really PO'd.

-This is so cool! -I know!

You know what is so weird?

I had this dream where Billy was, like, in love with me.

He was in a wheelchair, but it's like it's coming true or something!

Uh-huh.

How's my hair?

Perfect. Romy, you look so good with blonde hair and black roots.

It's, like, not even funny.

I have to say,

this is turning out to be one of the very best nights of my entire life.

(SLOW SONG PLAYING)

Lyin' in my bed I hear the clock tick

And think of you

Caught up in circles

Confusion is nothing new

Flashback to warm nights

Almost left behind

Maybe he's, like, passed out in the bathroom.

You want me to go check?

He's not in the bathroom, Michele.

I'm walkin' too far ahead

I'll dance with you, Romy.

-Okay. -Okay.

Then you say "Go slow”

I fall behind

The second hand unwinds

If you're lost, you can look and you will find me

Time after time

If you fall, I will catch you I'll be waiting

Time after time

If you're lost, you can look and you will find me

Time after time

If you fall, I will catch you I will be waiting

Time after time...

We just waited and waited.

God, I was such an idiot.

Wait till he sees you now.

You are so much cuter than you were in high school.

- Guess I'm cuter. -Yeah!

And look at the way we live. I mean, our lifestyle, you know.

We live in LA and they are still stuck in Tucson.

You know what, Michele?

You're right.

We are gonna go back there and blow them away.

Boy, there's a lot of questions to answer.

Why do we have to fill these out?

They wanna know what we've been doing for the past 10 years.

Oh.

-Okay, here we go. -Ah!

"Name."

-Oh, we're having so much fun already! -Oh, I know!

-I cannot wait for this reunion! -(GASPS) Me too!

-Uh! -Oh... Uh!

"Occupation." Cashier.

-Unemployed. -No. Don't write that.

Um, your last job was as a salesgirl?

So say you were a freelance fashion consultant.

Ooh! Clever.

"Relationship status." Married.

Nope.

-"Engaged.” -No.

-"Living with someone." -Should I say you?

I guess so.

Okay.

-You know, Michele... -Yeah?

-Now that I'm looking at this... -Uh-huh?

Our lives don't seem as impressive as I thought.

-They don't? -Well, do you think it's impressive

that we're still single, we've been living together for 10 years,

I'm a cashier and you're unemployed?

Well, not super impressive.

Well, what's the point of going if we're not going to impress people?

Well...

Oh.

Romy, I still really, really, really wanna go.

I know. Me too.

Well, then, can't we just, like, think of something?

Okay, well, the reunion is still, like, two weeks away, right?

Right.

And all we really need is maybe, like, better jobs and boyfriends. Right?

Yeah!

But, okay, if those things were so easy to get, wouldn't we already have them?

Well, we never really tried before.

We never really had a good reason, like going to a reunion, to motivate us.

That's true.

Okay, so we're just gonna have to make ourselves more impressive, that's all.

I'm gonna go bag us some boyfriends while you can look for a cool new job.

-Okay. -Plus, I hate to say it,

but I really think that we should lose some weight.

Oh.

Oh.

(WHIMPERS) Okay.

I don't think that one chip makes a difference.

It wasn't even a whole chip.

-(WORK-OUT MUSIC PLAYING) -(ALL HOOTING, YELLING)

All right, according to this chart

if we want to lose a pound a day

we have to burn twice as many calories as we eat.

So that means if we want to burn 4,000 calories,

we only have to run 20 miles a day.

Hey, Romy, remember Mrs. Chivas' class?

There was, like, always a word problem.

Like, if there's a guy in a rowboat going "X" miles,

and the current is going, like, you know, some other miles,

how long does it take him to get to town?

It was like, who cares?

Who wants to go to town with a guy who drives a rowboat?

Okay, guys, let's jump.

-Hey, Michele. -Yeah?

What does this remind you of?

I know. This lady is totally sick.

Um, let me just say that, um,

I am, like, really familiar with the entire Versace line.

If you would just give me a chance,

I know I could, like, sell the shit out of the stuff.

And, um, to me,

fashion is just, it's, like, everything.

By the way, that blouse... Hi.

-That blouse looks great on you. -Uh, thank you.

And, see, I make a great salesperson,

'cause I have, like,

this really believable way of telling people that they look really good

even though I'm just, like... You know.

I think she heard me.

(WITH BRITISH ACCENT) Thank you so much for coming.

That's okay. You're welcome.

I don't think we'll be requiring any new staff.

-You aren't taking on any what? -Staff. Employees.

Oh! Oh, staff!

I didn't understand with your big accent. (LAUGHS)

I couldn't figure it out.

Okay.

(SCOFFS) Fine. You really shouldn't let people fill out applications

if you don't want them to actually try to get a job here.

-It's a... -No, no. That's all I have to say.

Good-bye.

If there ain't no love Then there ain't no use

Oh, better walk on by Better walk on through

Hi. Hey, um, great suit.

-Is that an Armani? -Yes. Yes, it is.

I thought so. So, what do you do?

I'm a suit salesman.

Would you excuse me?

I cut my foot before and my shoe is filling up with blood.

Oh, if there ain't no love then there ain't no use

Oh, better walk on by Better walk on through

Hey, hey, there's a woman in the world that you can't use

Ain't no love Ain't no use

My first choice was to work at a boutique on Rodeo Drive,

but this would be okay.

Well, thank you. Unfortunately we don't have any openings here right now.

-Are you serious? -Mmm.

Although we might have an opening at our discount outlet.

Okay, well, what street would that be on?

(ALL GRUNTING)

Come on, Michele.

At this point any job is better than no job at all.

A discount outlet? Me?

Fine.

So, any boyfriends yet?

No.

All the guys with good jobs must be going to some other club.

You know where Dana met her new boyfriend?

He's a William Morris agent.

Oh! Show biz! Good job! Where?

Hi. My name is Romy, and I'm an alcoholic.

-ALL: Hi, Romy! -Hey.

And you also get a 5% employee discount

over and above our everyday low prices.

MALE CUSTOMER: You could make curtains for the motor home with this.

(CLEARS THROAT) I got this tie for a dollar.

-You paid a whole dollar for that? -You betcha.

(SQUEAKS) Oh.

MAN: (ON ♪.A)) Ruth, what's the markdown for a small blood stain?

(CUSTOMER COUGHING)

She's one of our regulars.

(BABY SCREAMING)

So, what do you think?

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

I'd like to go away.

MAN: (ON ♪.A)) Lester, clean up the rat in Aisle 5.

I know I'm supposed to wait in that line, but, listen

I wouldn't even be here if this weren't, like, a dating emergency.

Our cutoff is 25.

Try VH1.

The reunion's less than a week away.

I just can't believe you turned down a job.

I thought the idea was to impress people.

How am I gonna impress anyone by

selling Ban-Lon smocks at Bargain Mart?

(MACHINE BEEPS)

I'm sick of this. I'm gonna go weigh myself.

Oh, God!

I've been killing myself for eight days and I gained a pound!

That's impossible.

Did you deduct 16 pounds for your shoes?

Just forget it. I'm not going.

What?

Come on. Get real, Michele. We're idiots.

We can't get jobs and boyfriends and lose weight in two weeks.

But I thought you said we could.

Wow.

God, the top female executives are all so pretty.

Those aren't the actual executives, Michele.

Those are models.

Oh, I thought they looked familiar.

God, they really look like executives, don't they?

That's only because they're wearing those stupid suits and phony glasses

and carrying briefcases.

Huh.

Oh, my God, Michele. That's it!

We can go to the reunion and just pretend to be successful.

Who's gonna know? They're in Tucson, we're here.

We could just show up looking like businesswomen.

Oh, my God!

(LAUGHS)

Wait, oh...

If the people at the reunion see us drive up in a Nova,

won't they know we're not really businesswomen?

If you can make us the clothes,

I can get us the car.

(CHUCKLES)

(LOUD RATCHETING)

(MECHANICS TALKING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Clear out, boys.

I need to talk to Ramon.

Go!

Yes, cara mia?

Michele and I have this high school reunion to go to

and we need to show up in a really cool car.

-Yes? -Todd told me

he gave you a great deal on an XJS convertible

and that you're fixing it up.

Yeah?

So

can I borrow your car?

If I loan you my car,

what do I get?

Uh, what do you want?

Oh, Romy, you know what I want.

Forget it! I'm not gonna have sex with you just to borrow your stupid car!

I gotta get something.

Okay.

Close the blinds

and we'll work something out.

(ROMY MOANING)

Ramon!

Oh, Ramon.

Check this out.

ROMY: Oh, yes.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, man!

-Oh, Ramon! Oh, Ramon! -Yes. Go.

(HOOTING)

Yes!

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

You are Columbus and I am America.

Discover me, Ramon! Just discover me!

(WHISPERING) Hey, uh... Explosions. The earth is moving.

Explosions! The earth is moving!

Oh, is that an earthquake?

No. It's Ramon.

ROMY: Is that an earthquake?

No, it's Ramon!

Ahh! It's Ramon!

(WHISPERING) Man stallion, fill me with your giant love wand!

What? I'm sorry. I don't think so.

Well, say something nice about my penis.

Oh, Ramon, your penis is so powerful, I'm coming.

Okay, thanks. Get off me now.

-Aw, come on... -You wanted it to be believable.

Aw...

I'm just a girl in the world

That's all that you'll let me be

Oh, I'm just a girl livin' in captivity

(CAR HORN PLAYS LA CUCARACHA)

Oh, my God! You did it!

Yeah, I did.

All right, let's get going.

Oh, this is gonna be so much fun. (GASPS)

What'd you have to do to get it?

I had to give all the guys in the service department hand jobs.

Well, while you were doing that,

I taped all the nostalgic songs from high school

to get us in the mood.

-Michele. -Huh?

-I was kidding. -What?

You actually think I would do something like that?

For a car?

-Okay, just get in. -Okay.

Hey, look what else I got us, little lady.

-Oh, my God! It's a flip phone! -Uh-huh.

How did you get this?

I bought it.

Okay.

-Are ya ready? -Ready.

-Let's do it. -(ENGINE STARTING)

Tonight I gotta cut loose

(BOTH SINGING) Footloose

Kick off my Sunday shoes

Do we...

I have no idea what the rest of the lyrics are.

Me neither.

Whoo!

Watch out, Tucson! Here we come!

(BACKFIRES)

Shit!

-Aw... -(ENGINE KNOCKING)

-(ENGINE STARTS) -(MUSIC RESUMES)

Whoo!

Watch out, Tucson! Here we come!

Footloose

Kick off your Sunday shoes

(BACKFIRES)

Shit!

(ENGINE STARTS)

Footloose

Whoo!

-You're playin' so cool -BOTH: Whoo!

Obeyin' every rule

Dig way down in your heart

You're burnin', yearnin', earnin'

Somebody better tell you

You have one hell of an eye

Everybody cut, everybody cut

Everybody cut Everybody cut

Everybody cut Everybody cut

Everybody cut footloose

(SONG CHANGES)

I got your picture I got your picture

I'd like a million of ya all to myself

I want a doctor to take a picture

So I can look at you from inside as well

I give up. What are you doing?

Pass this car. This kid is so obnoxious.

ROMY: Oh, my God.

-What is with that kid? -I don't know.

He is sick.

Turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese

I really think so

(GURGLING)

Turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese

I really think so

(GURGLING CONTINUES)

Turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese

Oh, I'm sorry. No.

No, not you. I was trying to scare your little boy.

(GIGGLES)

Oh, my God. Are my lips that big?

(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)

-Some more of that? -Yeah.

Just remember, from this point on

we are sophisticated, educated, successful career women.

Right. Okay.

God, this underwear is totally riding up my butt crack.

Yeah. Hello.

Um, we need something to go.

Okay.

Do you have some sort of businesswoman's special?

Come again?

-Well, we're businesswomen. -Yeah, from LA.

And, you know, some places have, like, a lunch special.

For businesswomen.

We don't have anything like that.

Well, then just give us

two burgers and fries and Diet Cokes, 'cause we're in a hurry.

We're due in Tucson later for a business thing. You know.

What kind of business you in?

(POP SONG PLAYING ON RADIO)

I can't believe we never thought of what to say we did for a living.

Oh. Which one of these guys will I have sex with at the reunion?

Ooh! Casey Degan!

Ah!

Come on! Now, we're running out of time.

I know. Why don't we say that we own our own company?

Ooh, good. Like what?

-Like, what if we invented something? -Like what?

Well, I think it should be something that everybody has heard about,

but nobody really knows who invented it.

(GASPS) I've got it! Post-its!

-Everybody knows what Post-its are! -Yeah!

They're the little yellow things with the stickum on the back, right?

Okay.

Okay, we're working in this advertising agency after college.

-Ooh, college! Good one! -Yeah.

And we have, like, this big, like, presentation to make to, like, a client.

-Hmm. -So we're, like, brainstorming,

and all of the sudden, we're out of paper clips!

-Good! -And so, okay... So then I, like...

Okay, I say... I say... Okay...

"Wouldn't it be great if there was this stickum on the back of this paper,

"so if I laid it on top of that other paper it would just stay,

"like, without a paper clip?"

-Yes! -Ah!

So you've got this grandfather or this uncle

that has, like, a paper mill and he's really into it.

The rest is history!

Oh, my God! It is perfect!

Wow! Don't you think?

Well, yeah, but... (SNORTS)

"Well, yeah, but," what?

I don't know. It just sounds like

you invented Post-its all by yourself, you know.

-I mean, what did I do? -Well, it was your grandfather or uncle.

Yeah?

Okay, you know, so we could say that

you were, like, the designer.

Like, I thought of them, but you thought of making them yellow.

(SCOFFS)

Well, no, but it's like most of these people

have known us since elementary school.

I just think you're more believable as a designer,

rather than as an inventor.

You know?

Uh-huh.

(TURNS MUSIC LOUDER)

-MICHELE: What are you doing? -Look,

you're obviously pissed at me.

No. Uh-uh. Why should I be pissed at you?

Just because now I know how you really feel about me.

- I knew this would happen. -(TURNS ENGINE OFF)

I mean, I try, for once, to be honest with you

and it blows up in my face.

(SIGHS)

God! You wanna be honest?

Okay, good! Let's be honest!

I let you have the ideas!

-What? -Yeah, I let you have the ideas

so you won't feel so bad that I'm cuter.

-You are not cuter, Michele. -I am so cuter.

It's, like, common knowledge, Romy. Everybody thinks so.

I'm the Mary and you're the Rhoda.

That's ridiculous. You're the Rhoda. You're the Jewish one.

Oh, my God. I'm talking cuteness-wise, okay?

And cuteness-wise, I'm the Mary.

That's crazy! You have absolutely no proof that you're cuter!

Oh, proof? You want proof? Okay, fine.

-Who lost their virginity first? -Oh, big wow!

With your cousin Barry. I wouldn't brag about it.

Okay, so who always gets asked to dance first

when we go to clubs, huh?

No wonder you couldn't find us boyfriends, Romy.

Well, so what? You can't even get a job!

I carry you, Michele! Without me, you'd be lost!

(GASPS) That is such a lie!

Well, let's just see. Let's split up and see what happens.

What do you mean, split up?

When we get to Tucson, we're going our own separate ways.

Okay. Good.

Fine. I don't care.

-Fine! -Fine.

As of Tucson, we're finished.

-Well, drive fast! -(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

-(ENGINE STARTS) (GRUNTS)

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

Always something there to remind me

Wow. Billy Christianson?

-(NERVOUS CHUCKLE) -Romy. Romy White.

No.

No way.

My God, you... You look fantastic.

I mean, I never would have recognized you in a million years.

Thanks.

So, what have you been doin' since high school?

Well, believe it or not,

I invented Post-its.

(SCOFFS)

So I told Prescott,

"Either pay me the 150 or I am out of here. Bye-bye."

There are at least 12 other major markets

that would put me on the air tomorrow.

Wow. So you did it? You're an anchorwoman?

No. I'm a weather girl.

On the highest-rated 5:00 news in Tucson.

Oh.

So...

Michele, what are you up to?

Okay. Um, I invented Post-its. (CLEARS THROAT)

-You're kidding! -You must've made a fortune!

Well, yeah. (CHUCKLES)

No of fence, Michele,

but how in the world did you think of Post-its?

Um...

Well...

And I invented them totally by myself.

I mean, all Michele did was say, "What about making them yellow?"

Really?

Actually, I invented a special kind of glue.

Oh, really?

Well, then I'm sure you wouldn't mind giving us a detailed account of

exactly how you concocted this miracle glue, would you?

No.

Um...

Well, ordinarily when you make glue,

first you need to thermoset your resin

and then after it cools, you mix in an epoxide.

Which is just a fancy-schmancy name

for any simple, oxygenated adhesive, right?

But then I thought maybe, just maybe, you could raise the viscosity

by adding a complex glucose derivative during the emulsification process.

And it turns out, I was right. (CHUCKLES)

Huh.

I don't believe it.

You must be the most successful person in our graduating class.

Uh-huh.

And you're not. Bye.

(IMITATING CAR SOUNDS)

This is so great.

Romy?

Can I ask you something?

Romy! You will not believe what just happened!

Michele, can't you see that I am busy?

Fine. Okay, just forget it.

(SIGHS)

Whoa!

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Oh! (GROANS)

-Come on! -(CAR DOOR OPENS)

Oh, God! Are you all right?

-What do you think? -I am so sorry.

My driver didn't see you.

Please. Come.

I have boxes of Kleenex in my limo.

(SNIFFLES)

Let me make it up to you.

(SNIFFS)

Okay.

(ECHOING) Oh, my God.

-Here. Help yourself, Michele. -Thanks.

Wait. How do you know my name?

It's me, Michele. Sandy.

-Sandy Frink? -Uh-huh.

-But you're so dreamy. -(CHUCKLES)

Well, when I made my first million,

my present to myself was a new face.

Okay, I'm not just saying this,

but you really picked a good one. (CHUCKLES)

Thanks.

I had this notebook

with "Mrs. Romy Christianson" written on it, like, about a thousand times.

Now you think I'm some sort of geek.

(SIGHS)

No.

No, not at all.

I'm flattered.

Hi, Billy.

I've been lookin' all over for you.

You wanna dance once?

You know, for old times' sake.

No, thanks.

I owe this one to Romy.

Hey, you guys, they're about to announce the winners of the vote.

-Come on! -Vote? What vote?

-Let's go. We gotta get in there. -Okay.

Wait, I can't find my top.

Where are you?

BILLY: Hey, how you guys doing tonight?

I bet everyone is as anxious

as I am to hear the results of the vote.

What vote?

The person voted Most Changed for the Better Since High School is...

(DRUM ROLL)

It's a tie. It's a tie.

The Most Changed for the Better Since High School are

Romy White and Michele Weinberger.

Honey, go on up there and get your medal.

Okay.

How weird. I didn't even know we were voting.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Get me another daiquiri.

Here you go.

I'm sorry. I couldn't find my top.

Honey, that is beautiful.

(DISHES CLATTERING)

May I take that for you, sir?

No, no, no. You leave me alone.

(GLASSES SHATTERING, CAT MEOWS)

Looking at your medal from the reunion again, dear?

(MOANING SOFTLY)

You miss her, don't you?

Duh.

Michele,

have you been terribly unhappy with me all these years?

Oh, no. No, Sandy.

Oh, good.

I've just been lonely with no one to talk to.

Why don't you call her?

-Okay. -Yeah.

(BEEPING)

Hello?

Billy Christianson?

Oh, no, no, I'm Billy Junior.

Oh, Billy, honey, is your mommy home?

Well, yeah, but she can't come to the phone right now.

She's on her deathbed.

-Romy. -Oh, dear.

Billy, honey,

tell your mommy that Michele Weinberger-Frink

is on the phone

and would very much like to speak with her.

(MACHINES BEEPING, VENTILATOR PUMPING)

No.

Not until you admit that I'm the Mary, and you're the Rhoda.

I'm the Mary.

-I'm the Mary. -(BEEPING CONTINUES)

I'm... You're a pasty hag on a deathbed.

(BEEPING ACCELERATES)

I'm the Mary. Everybody knows.

Way to go, honey.

(CAR HORN HONKING)

(HONKING CONTINUES)

(CAR HORN HONKING)

Oh, God.

Oh, we're really here.

(PEOPLE MURMURING)

-(SCOFFS) God. -Good evening, sir.

Thanks for not waking me up, Romy.

God, what a bitch.

(DANCE POP MUSIC PLAYING)

Don't get me wrong

If I'm looking kind of dazzled

I see neon lights

Whenever you walk by

Don't get me wrong

-Hey, Romy White. -Hey.

-Where's Michele? -I don't know.

Anybody see Billy Christianson?

-MAN: Try the bar. -Thanks, man.

Oh, excuse me, excuse me, you can't go in without a name tag.

-Oh, okay. -Okay.

Michele Weinberger.

Oh, my God, Michele Weinberger! My God, you look great.

It's me, Toby. Oh, Toby Walters.

-Uh-huh. -Okay.

Oh, here it is. Here is your name tag.

And Romy is already inside.

I could care less. I am not here with Romy.

You're kidding me.

No, we're not even friends anymore.

We had this big falling out over Post-its.

-Post-its? -It's a long story.

See ya.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

I'm only off to wander

Across a moonlit night

Once in a while

Two people meet

Seemingly, for no reason They just pass on the street

Suddenly thundershowers everywhere

Who can explain The thunder and rain?

But there's somethin' in the air

Excuse me.

Hi, Romy. How are you?

-Lisa Luder? -Yes.

So, where's the rest of the "A" group?

Oh, they're around here some place.

We sort of lost touch over the years.

Wow. Isn't it weird when you're not friends with your friends anymore?

I mean, Michele and I just fell out of touch about two hours ago.

Because she's selfish

and she always, like, devalues me.

And I'm sick of it, you know?

God, you guys are easy to talk to.

I invented Post-its.

You know, the yellow things with the stickum on the back?

Yes, I know what they are.

So, uh, what are you up to?

I'm an associate fashion editor for Vogue.

Wow! Good job.

Boy, I must have, like, every single issue of Vogue for the past 10 years.

Okay, well, it was very nice talking with you.

Nice talking to you too.

(WHISPERS) Okay, Romy.

It might just be fantastic

Don't get me wrong

It was so cute.

My mom gave us a new car seat for the baby.

And when the box arrived, little Jake looks up at me and says,

"Mommy, is that the baby?"

(ALL GIGGLING)

I wish.

Hey, everyone. And so we meet again.

Hi. (GASPS) Romy White.

You're the chubby girl.

Oh, well, I was, but I haven't been for a really long time.

So, what are all of you up to?

Christie, in the yearbook you said that you wanted Jane Pauley's job.

Are you a big TV news anchorwoman now?

No, I don't even watch TV anymore.

My priorities have changed since I became a mommy.

Can you believe this is number three?

Wow, three kids.

God, you must feel really tied down.

Not at all. I feel very fulfilled.

Besides, Billy always wanted a big family.

-Billy Christianson? -Mmm-hmm.

-You married Billy Christianson? -Mmm-hmm.

For almost 10 years now.

Billy's in real estate development.

So, how about you? Any kids?

Oh. No. I just haven't had time,

you know, what with running my own business and all.

Your own business?

Yeah. I invented Post-its.

No, really. What do you do?

That's what I do. I invented Post-its.

(ALL GIGGLING, SNICKERING)

You're kidding me.

Well, I've made a lot of money.

You know who they say has made a ton of money? Sandy Frink.

-The Frink-a-zoid? -Yeah.

He invented some special kind of rubber

that's used in every tennis shoe in North America.

Hey, if anybody needs to make a call, I've got a phone.

-Is Sandy Frink here? -Uh, no.

-You can't go in without a name tag. -Fuck off!

Heather Mooney? Oh, my God, you're exactly the same.

Oh, my God. Heather Mooney is here?

This ought to be so good.

Oh, God, don't look now. It's Heather Mooney.

-What? -Hello, Romy.

(STAMMERS)

Heather, you said you weren't coming.

Yeah, well, since Sandy and Michele aren't married...

What a waste of a tank of gas, huh?

Okay, well, come on, I'll help you go find him.

He's not here. I already asked Toby Dumb-fuck.

Obviously, I've interrupted.

Why don't you just go back to ignoring me like you did in high school?

No, you can stay.

We're just discussing our class success stories.

So, what are you up to?

Ever hear of Lady Fair cigarettes? I invented the quick-burning paper.

Wow, we have a whole class full of inventors.

Meaning?

Oh, you know, Sandy Frink invented something too.

-Hey, isn't that Sandy over there now? -What did Sandy invent?

-Some kind of rubber. -Romy here invented Post-its.

-You did not. -Yeah, I did.

-You did not. You did not. -Yeah, I did. Yeah, I...

-Well, who did then? -A guy named Art Fry from the 3M Corp.

We studied it in business school.

You're kidding me.

-You just made all that up? -(ALL GIGGLING)

(GIGGLING CONTINUES)

Oh, God, you are so weird.

-Why don't you just leave her alone? -Michele.

Oh, it's the back brace girl.

-Hi, back brace girl. -Hi, back brace girl.

Oh, shut up.

And what are you picking on us for anyway?

We are not the ones who got fat.

We're pregnant, you half-wit.

Oh, yeah, well...

I hope your babies look like monkeys.

Come on, Romy.

(SLOW SONG PLAYING)

Oh, Romy.

(SOBBING) Oh, please, go away. Just leave me alone.

Why did I even come back here?

Well, you know what? There are worse things than telling some dumb story

and having everybody laugh at you.

-Like what? -Like losing your best friend.

I had the worst dream, Romy.

I dreamt that we weren't friends and we were really, really old.

But I mean, we were, like, really, really old.

And we weren't friends.

I can't stand that we're mad at each other.

Okay, I'm sorry I said all those things.

You're as cute as me. You are.

And in some cultures, maybe cuter.

I'm sorry too.

I shouldn't have said that you weren't smart enough to invent Post-its.

Well, I mean, maybe I'm not.

Although in my dream, I did know the formula for glue.

So, are we friends again?

Well, duh.

(CHUCKLING)

Okay.

And you know what, it doesn't even matter

that we told, like, what, four people some dumb lie.

Who cares?

Hi, everybody.

Settle down. Hi.

I'm Christie Masters-Christianson.

-(COOING) -(APPLAUSE)

I have been asked to formally welcome you all

to Sagebrush High's 10-year reunion.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

We have come a long way in the past 10 years.

Our own Lisa Luder is helping set the style for the country

as a fashion editor for Vogue magazine.

(MURMURING, CHEERING)

And Travis McKinney is in his fifth year

as a member of the Dallas Cowboys football team.

And Romy and Michele claimed

they invented Post-its. (Giggling)

-(GIGGLING CONTINUES) (CROWD MURMURING)

(GIGGLING CONTINUES)

All I ever wanted was for people to think

that we were better than we were in high school.

And now we're just a stupid joke, just like we always were.

No, Romy.

Can I tell you the truth?

I never knew that we weren't that great in high school.

I mean, we always had so much fun together.

I thought high school was a blast.

And until you told me that our lives weren't good enough,

I thought everything since high school was a blast.

I think we should go back out there as ourselves

and just have fun like we always do.

-The hell with everyone else. - I don't think I can.

Well, do you think you can stop being such a baby?

(SCOFFS)

God, I feel like I've been, like,

chasing you all over this reunion.

We have come all this way.

Now we are going to enjoy ourselves whether you like it or not.

God, Michele, I've never seen this side of your personality before.

You're so bossy and domineering.

-I like it. -Me too.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

She's got it

Yeah, baby, she's got it

-(GASPS) I don't believe it. -What?

They're back.

Well, I'm your Venus

Nice outfits.

Post-its must be really lucrative.

-Are you sure you want to do this? -Oh, yeah, I am so sure.

What the hell is your problem, Christie?

Why are you always such a nasty bitch?

(CROWD GASPING, MURMURING)

Do you get some kind of sick pleasure from torturing other people?

I mean, yeah, okay, so Michele and I did make up some lame story.

We only did it because we wanted you to treat us like human beings.

But you know what I finally realized?

I don't care if you like us, 'cause we don't like you.

You're a bad person with an ugly heart,

and we don't give a flying fuck what you think.

(GASPING, MURMURING CONTINUES)

(EXCLAIMS IN SURPRISE)

Come on, Michele.

Okay. And, yeah.

It's unbelievable. They're as deluded about their lives

as they are about those hideous clothes.

(SNICKERING)

Actually, Christie, they've got nice lines,

a fun, frisky use of colour.

All in all, I'd have to say they're really not bad.

-(ALL MURMUR) -WOMAN: She would know.

Well, we still think they're ridiculous. Don't we, girls?

Why don't you just let them think for themselves for once?

You're just jealous,

because unlike a certain ball-busting, dried-up career woman I might mention,

we're all happily married.

That's right, Christie.

Keep telling yourself that.

(CROWD MURMURING)

- I do love those outfits. -Yeah, sure do.

-Oh, great. -Thanks.

Michele made them.

Well, I just sewed them. We both designed them.

-Fifty-fifty. -Wow.

Yeah, that's so cool.

Well, it's been really terrific seeing all of you.

-Come on, Michele. -Oh. Okay, bye.

Hi.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

I am sorry that I blew your big lie for you.

Hey, that's okay. It was better this way anyway.

It's ironic, isn't it?

I really thought you guys had it made in high school.

-Us? -Yes, you.

With your long hair and your long legs,

walking on your legs, flipping your hair.

I can't compete with that. You made Sandy crazy.

And the whole time you were makin' my life hell,

the "A" group was making your life hell, I didn't know.

You know what? I bet in high school everybody made somebody's life hell.

Mmm-mmm. Not me. Never had the opportunity to make anyone's life hell.

You know what? I bet that's not true. You were really unpleasant.

-You think? -Oh, yeah.

Heather? Oh, I'm off-duty.

Um, since you never got around to it in high school,

I was wondering if you could sign my yearbook.

And please don't tell me to fuck off,

because it really hurts my feelings.

- I hurt your feelings? -Yeah, all the time.

Tremendous! That's tremendous!

Go get your stupid yearbook. I would be happy to sign it.

Okay, great. I'll be right back, okay?

-Michele, I think maybe we should leave. -Huh?

There is no way this reunion is gonna get any better.

Hey, everybody, Sandy Frink just landed in a helicopter!

Sandy Frink has a helicopter?

Yeah, apparently, he's worth, like, millions.

He invented some kind of special rubber or something.

Like for condoms?

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Whoa-ohh-ohh

Hot summer night

Fell like a net

I've gotta find my baby yet

You think I'm cute

A little bit shy

Mama, I ain't that kind of guy

That's Sandy Frink? What the hell was I thinking?

Whoa-ohh-ohh

Sandy, hi.

You look so rich.

I mean, great.

No pill's gonna cure my ill

I got a bad case of lovin' you

Michele.

After all these years, you still take my breath away.

Thanks.

So you must be, like, the most successful person

in our entire graduating class.

Well, I guess that depends on how you define "success."

If, to you, success means having a house in Aspen,

one in Acapulco, a penthouse in New York, a mansion in Malibu,

a 60-foot yacht, an eight-seat Windstar,

a Bell JetRanger, a Bentley, a personal trainer, a full-time chef,

a live-in masseuse and a staff of 24,

then, yeah, (CHUCKLES)

I guess I am successful.

But no matter how much I accumulate,

there's still one thing I just don't have.

Your own country?

I don't have you, Michele.

Will you dance with me?

Only if Romy can dance with us.

Sure.

(SLOW SONG PLAYING)

Lying in my bed

I hear the clock tick and think of you

Caught up in circles

Confusion is nothing new

Flashback Warm nights

Almost left behind

Suitcase of memories

Time after Sometimes you picture me

I'm walking too far ahead

You're calling to me

I can't hear what you've said

Then you say "Go slow”

I fall behind

The second hand unwinds

If you're lost, you can look and you will find me

Time after time

If you fall, I will catch you I'll be waiting

Time after time

If you're lost, you can look and you will find me

Time after time

If you fall I will catch you

-I'll be waiting - I will be waiting

Time after time

Time after time

Time after time

Time after time

(ALL APPLAUDING)

See, I told you it would pay off to go to those clubs every night.

Come on.

Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph. What do you want?

You were right. I was a brain-dead, redneck asshole.

Although I never screwed a sheep or my sister.

Why not? Couldn't catch 'em?

I guess I deserve that.

I was a jerk.

But I was so miserable in high school

I don't think I spoke more than two words the entire time.

I just couldn't breathe there, you know?

Plus, I had this really bad stutter.

Listen, you wanna go somewhere quiet?

Somewhere where we can talk?

-You wanna talk to me? -Yeah.

Okay, cowboy, I don't know what your trip is,

but if this is some kind of a sick game...

What? No.

If you fuck with me in any way,

I will rip each and every appendage from your body, starting with your dick.

Capisce?

(STUTTERING) Look, I just wanted to talk.

Okay.

What the hell?

-What is your name? -Clarence.

- I like your hat, Clarence. -Thank you.

Pick up the pace.

You wait here. I'll prep my chopper.

-Okay. -All right.

(VOMITING)

Oh, my God, somebody's puking in the bushes.

Ew.

Hey, how you guys doin'?

Billy?

Chubbo?

The name is Romy.

Romy and Michele.

So, weren't you guys, like, totally in love with me in high school?

(SCOFFS) She was.

You wanna get a room?

But you're married.

-To Christie. -Yeah, but you've got children,

and you're a successful real estate developer.

I do drywall for her old man's construction company.

And you know this new kid? Don't even know if he's mine.

(GIGGLING)

So...

How about that room?

Okay.

Why don't you go and get that room?

Go and wash your face and take off all your clothes

and I'll be up there in five minutes.

All right.

Your fantasy is gonna come true tonight.

-See you later. -Ugh. Okay.

(BOTH SNICKERING)

God.

Now he's gonna see what it feels like to wait.

That's such a good one.

Ladies.

(MICHELE GASPS)

God, can you believe we're going home in a helicopter?

I know. It's so cool.

I just wish everybody inside the reunion would come out and see us lift off.

Oh!

Thank you.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, my God! I'm so glad you didn't bring your big notebook with you.

-Michele. -(CHUCKLES)

Ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth

Ooh, heaven is a place on earth

They say in heaven love comes first

We'll make heaven a place on earth

Ooh, heaven is a place on earth

Billy. Billy!

Billy, where are you?

Billy. Damn it. Damn it!

(LAUGHING)

Oh, my God. Is that Heather?

MICHELE: Go for it, Heather!

(WHOOPING)

Ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth

Ooh, heaven is a place on earth

They say in heaven love comes first

ROMY: Thanks for stopping by.

Yeah, enjoy your fashions.

Have a Romy and Michele day.

-That was a good one. -Thanks.

I cannot believe how busy we've been.

I know. Hey, maybe we can pay back Sandy this week.

Um, I think we're about, like, two years away from that.

Oh.

Okay.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Heather, has anyone ever told you that smoking can kill you?

No. No one. Thank you.

Okay, but if you burn it, you bought it.

Like I give a shit. I look like an asshole.

What? Nuh-uh. You look totally cute.

This dress exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy.

Okay, I don't even know what you're talking about, because of those words,

but come here.

Ow!

God, that has been bugging me.

-Stay away from my bikini area. -Um, okay.

-I'm in a rush. Ring it up if you must. -Okay.

Let me have the tag, please.

Thank you.

You really do look cute.

-You know what? -Huh?

Despite that surly demeanor, I think we've just given her a big gift.

Okay, I mean, to give someone like Heather Mooney

the chance to express herself through fashion.

We could've really changed her life.

Yeah. For me though, it's like

I've given birth to my own baby girl, you know?

Only she's, like, a big giant girl,

who smokes and says "shit" a lot.

-You know? -Yeah.

-Yeah. Let's fold scarves! -Okay.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

-You know what, Michele? -Huh?

I think you are, like, the funnest person I know.

Me too. With you.

(GASPS, CHUCKLES)

See the people walkin' down the street

Fall in line Just watchin' all the feet

They don't know where they want to go

But they're walkin' in time

They got the beat They got the beat

They got the beat Yeah, they got the beat

All the kids Just gettin' out of school

They can't wait to hang out and be cool

Hang around till quarter after 12:00

That's when they fall in line

They got the beat They got the beat

Kids got the beat Yeah, kids got the beat

Go-Go music really makes us dance

In the crowd it puts us in a trance

We want to So just give us a chance

That's when we fall in line

'Cause we got the beat We got the beat

We got the beat Yeah, we got it

We got the beat

-We got the beat -Everybody get off your feet

-We got the beat -We know you can dance to the beat

-We got the beat -Jump back, kick 'round

-We got the beat -'Round and 'round and 'round

-Whoo! -We got the beat

-We got the beat -We got the beat

-We got the beat -We got the beat

-We got the beat, we got the beat -We got the beat

-We got the beat -We got the beat