Original subtitles

Yeah, Nicholas?

I keep hearing about this thing called talent. You know where I can get any?

Well,

it's not something that you get, Nicholas. It's a gift that you already

You know, like Joni in her acting or Dad in his writing.

Well, how do I know if I got the gift?

Well, can you sing or dance?

No, and even if I could, I wouldn't.

Well, comedy. You're good at comedy. Can you tell jokes?

Hmm, I heard this great joke today.

What's it?

Okay, this guy walks into a restaurant and he says, do you have frog legs? So

the waitress says, yes, sir. So he says, well, hop into the kitchen and get me a

cup of coffee.

That was pretty good, actually.

Mary? Yes?

How can a waitress have frog legs?

We'll see you later, okay?

I have this peculiar feeling that I'm at the circus.

Oh, the clown suit.

Oh, that's what it is. I thought that maybe it was the latest thing in casual

sportswear. You know, some morning I'm going to wake up in this house and find

everything normal.

Never happened.

What are you doing, going to a costume party?

No, I'm still entertaining the kids at the children's home.

Oh, I thought you were finished with that class assignment.

Yeah, yeah, I'm finished with the assignment, but the kids really love the

bit, and I guess I do too.

Besides, Father Tonelli is a hard man to refuse.

Maybe he'll teach me a secret.

Hey, you could ask him this very afternoon, you know? Susan leaves the

don't have anybody to pick me up.

Hint, hint.

Oh, sure.

You mean down on Charles Street? Say, around two o 'clock?

Listen, aren't you forgetting something?

What? My pants, my shoes, my fenders, my... My doll!

What on those?

Dad! Dad!

What? What?

You should have seen it. You should have seen it. Nicholas, please, calm down.

What's the matter? Where were you? Kennedy Landers House. I'm lucky I'm not

goner. What are you talking about?

The spaceships and all the flying saucers were being invaded.

Honest, I had a close encounter.

I knew I never should have let you go to see that movie.

folded me and took me aboard.

Nicholas, believe me, there are no spaceships in Sacramento, and there's

certainly none in Kenny P. Lander's house. In his backyard.

No, no, no. You're imagining the whole thing. I'm not.

All right.

You're right. That's right. You had a close encounter, and I'm very happy for

you. Guess what?

I'm going to go in the study, and I'm going to have a close encounter.

Could I put them on, Ralphie, please?

Oh, Ralphie.

Thank you, Ralphie. Sorry.

Here you go, you guys.

It was definitely a close encounter of a third grader.

Joey, you were wonderful, as always.

Oh, thank you, Father. I love it. Oh, it shows.

Not everyone's capable of getting Ralphie out of his shell.

He lost his folks just recently, and he's having trouble adjusting.

Oh, and by the way, we all hope to see you on the 19th. Why? What's the 19th?

The first annual Charles Street Children's Home Benefit Show. Oh.

Yeah. Well, lately, our physical fitness program has been limited to a few yo

-yos and one basketball with a slow leak.

Oh, uh, Joanie, uh... I'm afraid I have a confession to make.

You? Oh, I am in big trouble. I... Well, I don't know the first thing about show

business. I've got to find somebody to direct the benefit and help me round up

the talent.

Are you suggesting... To God's...

Johnny, that's the only way to describe you. I can't thank you enough. Oh, wait

a minute. How come I get the feeling I've just been hustled into a big job?

Well, now, because you have.

Do you have anybody here? Well, we've got one big name, Joey Allen.

Joey Allen, the comedian?

Well, yeah, he's a local boy who made it big. I know a friend of his aunt, but

we've got to find some people to appear with him on the bill, as I believe you

people call it. Yeah.

Wow.

Well, I can try.

Well, I could not ask for any more.

Now, you must know some people in town with talent.

Yeah. Yeah, maybe.

Joanie?

Oh, Dad.

Hi. Oh, um, Father Tonelli. Oh, this is Father Tonelli.

Father Tonelli, this is Father Bedford.

How are you doing?

Oh, extremely well, thanks to your daughter. We are lucky to have her. I

So are we.

Hey, you're wearing that with stairs. Is something wrong?

Yeah, nobody believes my flying saucer story. I'm running away from home.

Oh. Oh, well, that's a good idea.

I mean, but listen, it's nearly three o 'clock. Why don't you wait till the

morning, get a nice early start, have a big breakfast?

Dad, you shouldn't put him on like that. He might really do it. Oh, of course he

will. All kids do.

He'll pack his little valise, get to the corner, start getting hungry, and be

home in time for dinner. Yeah, you sure?

I've been in the business a long time.

Hey, how far did I get?

You? You got to the front doorstep. It was raining.

Hi, Nicklin.

I'm running away from home, and don't try and... Stop me. That's what I hear.

I'm sick and tired of being treated like an eight -year -old.

But you are an eight -year -old.

So it's no reason to be treated like one.

You're still mad because no one believed your UFO story, huh?

How long are you going to be gone?

Oh, years.

Well, in that case, you ought to pack some more underwear, huh?

Nicholas.

What?

I'm going to miss you.

I'll drop you a card.

So, I agreed that I would help him round up some local talent.

Like who?

You know, just plain folks.

College kids, music students.

Well, you'd be surprised the amount of undiscovered talent that's right here in

this city. I mean, right here in Sacramento.

I'm running away now.

Oh, well, so long, killer. I'll take good care of the room. Are you sure you

have enough money on you, Nicholas?

A couple of quarters.

Well, maybe you ought to stop at the bank and pick up some traveler's checks.

I'm glad you think this is funny. I'm really going.

No, we know you are, Nicholas. We heard you the first time.

Let me give you some advice before you enter the cruel world.

Don't cross against the green.

He'll be back by then.

Oh, probably before dinner. See Wonder Frogs on at 5 .30.

Okay, you guys.

I need your help.

Well, then how do we help?

Well, we need some local talent to go on the bill with Joey Allen.

Joanie, we're not talent scouts, you know. Yeah, but you are talented.

Wait a second, Joanie. Just hold on.

Oh, come on. I bet you can do it. Do what?

Perform in the talent show.

Us? Sure. Why not?

Joanie. We don't have any talent.

Oh, come on. What do you mean? All of Tom's children got talent.

Include me out.

Not me either. I could go look up to that indeed. Forget it, Johnny. Good

I don't do benefits.

Dad? No, no, no. This is one time you're going to have to work it out for

yourself, Johnny.

Hello to you, too.

Mind if I sit?

I ran away from home, and I'm not going back.

Good. Well, I burned all my bridges in front of me.

Bridges behind me.

Well, those two.

Well, what happened?

Well, everybody was making me mad, you know, so I ran away from home before I

could say something I'd be sorry for.

Well, you want to hang out here for a little while?

I was hoping you'd say that.

Wow, no girl.

I'd like to stay here forever.

Let's just see how the weekend goes first, okay?

All right.

How about a nice stiff sody pop?

All right, David.

Thank you. I'll see you tomorrow.

Well, that's where he went. He went over to David's. He must have been very

upset to do that. He was. He was.

Are you going to go pick him up?

No.

I'm going to let him stay there.

I think right now...

He needs some attention from his big brother. Joanie, I am busy.

Come on, you can make the time.

I've got studying to do.

You always have studying to do. This is a good cause. Yeah, well, so is passing

organic chemistry.

She's persistent, isn't she?

Very.

Can't you take no for an answer? No.

Why me?

Because, Mary, I need your organizational skills. You know, I need

some authority.

I would suggest you the chief of police.

Oh, come on.

I'm holding auditions tomorrow. You know, if I could tell people that you

David agreed to participate, they wouldn't be so upset, you know. They

think that they're the only ones. Wait. Did you say David?

Yeah.

You know, he sung and played the guitar before in Coffee House, and you know

he's real good.

You mean he agreed to do this?

Well, no, but he will as soon as I talk to him.

David won't let me down.

All right, boss.

Exactly what does a producer do?

Okay, Mary, put that one back there in case there's like... Right, boss.

Okay, I think we're all ready. Who's up first?

Uh, let's see. Peter Bales, he thinks.

Okay. Uh, Mr.

Bales, please.

Key of G, kid.

And now the end is near, and so I face the final

curtain.

Friend, I'll say it clear.

I'll state my case, of which I'm certain.

I've lived a life that's full.

I've traveled each and every highway.

And more, much more than this.

I did it my way.

I'll see you and raise you one million dollars. How many matches is that?

Four. Quarter of a million each.

Okay, wait a minute. A pair of eight.

That beats me. I've only got three threes.

Sixteen beats nine.

Oh, don't worry, David. I'll give you your matches back when we're done.

Thank you, Nicholas.

The record showed I took the blow and did it

my way.

Thank you, Mr. Bales.

We'll get back to you. Yeah, sure thing. Thank you. I have another.

A little sea and a little tumble this time, kid.

Thank you.

How do you do? Happy Belzer's the name, and I'm here to make you happy.

If you've got the time, I've got the jokes.

Um, Mr. Belzer, could you, um, tell us a few of your jokes?

Oh, sure thing, honey, don't worry. You know, I write all my own material.

Oh, yeah, those writers are a bunch of goners.

That's French for thieves.

It's a little play on words.

All right, here's one that'll really knock you out. A guy walks into a

restaurant and says to the waitress, Honey, do you have frog's legs?

Secondly, she says.

Okay, he says.

Hop into the kitchen and get me a cup of coffee.

I didn't like it the first time I heard it.

You want to see a movie, huh?

Yep.

Well, uh, hey, is Dad taking you to see the UFO movie yet?

Yeah. Hey, David, do you really think there are flying saucers?

I don't know. Nobody knows for sure why.

Well, the other... Nah, you wouldn't believe me.

Try me.

Okay, see, the other day I...

You're not

ready. Oh, Connie.

Yeah, today.

Oh, no.

Well, you know my brother Nicholas, right?

I thought no girls were allowed.

What is this, a Cub Scout meeting?

Hey, Nicholas, Nicholas.

Tell you what, how would you like to make a quarter for every time you can go

around the block?

Real money?

Yeah, U .S. currency.

Oh, boy.

Sure am glad I brought my skateboard.

Ah, skateboard.

This is going to cost me a fortune.

Good.

I have never seen a bigger collection of space cadets in my life. That's funny.

That's funny. I mean, we have several sour carousels here, a six -year -old

Shirley Temple act, and a stand -up comic you would pay not to have to

to. Really? I mean, Nicholas tells better jokes than Happy Belzer.

Happy Belzer. Happy Belzer.

He's a riot.

Boy, Joey Allen better be good.

He's the show.

He and David.

David's gonna sing?

That reminds me. I better call him. Oh, Johnny, Johnny, wait. See, your dad's

gone over to pick up Nicholas, and they're going to have a man -to -man

And if you call right now, I think Nicholas might suspect a female

Oh, so Nicholas has had it with running away from home?

Well, I don't know if Nicholas has had it, but I bet you David has.

Come in.

Hiya, David. Hi, Dad.

Where's my number three son?

Oh, he'll be back in a second.

Do you have any quarters on you?

Oh, yeah, sure.

What, uh, you taking out your laundry?

No. More like being taken to the cleaners. Oh.

Well, I won't ask about that. Listen, have you talked to Joanie?

Uh, what's up?

Well, you know, she's involved with this children's home on Charles Street.

Oh, you can always count on Joanie.

Yeah. Well, she has this comedian, Joey Allen, and he's doing this show for her.

Now, she needs some amateur talent to work with him, and I think she's

on you to do the singing.

When is it?

The 19th.

Oh, no, I'm sorry. That weekend's no good for me. I'm going skiing.

Well, do you think maybe you could switch it around? Because I know

going to be very disappointed.

No, I'm sorry. I've already sent in the deposit for the reservations at the

lodge.

What am I doing here? Don't you remember me? I'm Daddy Bradford. What are you

doing here? Come on, it's time to go home. I'm staying here for the whole

weekend. Oh, there's only a couple of hours to go. And that would count as a

whole weekend, right, David? Right, it'll go down in the books as a whole

weekend. All right.

What now?

You know, the quarter that you owe me for the last trip around the block.

Don't ask.

Go, Dad.

Let's go.

Nicholas, now you be sure and drop in any time. It has been a real pleasure.

Thanks, David.

I'll do it.

I'm good.

Boy, some brother.

Some. David won't stay in the show.

He's going here.

He'll probably break the little thing.

Too late.

Joanie, you had no right to assume that David would be free on the 19th. I know.

You'd think he could give up one crummy skiing weekend, no?

Joanie, that leaves us with one halfway decent answer. I know.

Wow, can you imagine 15 minutes of happy Belder?

Who's he?

Uh, he's the guy who tells frog legs jokes. What can you do, Nicholas?

Huh?

Mary, be careful.

Nicholas is very sensitive.

He may run away from home again.

I'm sorry, Nicholas.

I'll get it.

Hello?

Yeah? Just in a place.

Mr. Joey Allen from Ms. Joanne Bradford.

Hello?

Uh, Tony.

Yes, this is she.

Oh, I see.

Yes.

Sure.

No, thank you for calling.

Yeah.

Goodbye.

Well, she had some good news and some bad news.

Good news? He wishes us all the luck in the world with the show.

What bad news?

He's being booked in Las Vegas for three weeks, beginning the 18th.

It just makes me so mad.

When they found out Joey Allen wasn't appearing, they all dropped out.

Every one of them.

Even Happy Belzer.

Well, that's show business, as they say.

I didn't do much of a job as an impresario, did I?

Joanie, now don't beat so hard on yourself.

You did everything humanly possible.

Yeah, maybe.

I've never thrown myself at the mercy of this family before, but I'm doing it

now. Everybody has dropped out of the show. I mean, everybody. And there isn't

going to be a benefit for the home unless I can get someone, anyone to

Now, before you all start crying about your lack of talent and about making

fools of yourselves, would you just think about what's at stake?

I mean, think about those kids and what the show means to them.

Well, my jokes aren't that bad.

Maybe Nicholas and I could work up some routine.

I can sing a little bit.

Elizabeth, you can tap dance.

I don't know, Abby.

Well, if Elizabeth can tap dance and I get to do my magic act.

We near Tommy Terrifico? That's a joke.

Hold it, hold it. Don't you see? It doesn't matter.

I mean, so what if we're not all perfect? It's just that we're all in it

together. Huh?

Oh, come on.

I mean, this family has done a lot of crazy things. What's one more?

What do you say?

Okay.

Wait,

I want you to write down what your routine is.

You don't know.

Great,

they came through, you know.

They knew I was in a jam, so they all agreed to do it.

All of them, the whole family.

All we need now is you.

Oh, come on, David.

You can postpone your ski trip, huh?

Yes, I can, but I won't.

Look, I'm really sorry, Joanie, but I'm looking forward to this weekend.

Well, you know, it's nice that some of us had parents to teach us how to ski.

Oh, boy, if you're trying to make me feel guilty, forget it. Oh, come on,

I'm just trying to tell you that you can go skiing any time.

I mean, how often do you get a chance to help others out?

In our family, that's all I do is help others out.

David, help me do this. David, help me do this.

Excuse me for imposing on your time.

That's right, my time.

That's the way it's supposed to be.

That's why I moved out of the house, to gain a little independence, not to be

the first one involved in every family crisis.

As I recall, you are a part of that family.

Yeah, but it's a little more than that.

I happen to be the one that everyone leans on. I'm the oldest.

I have the apartment that everyone runs away to. I have the van that gets

borrowed. I'm always the first one hit for money.

Well, forget it this time.

This time, David is going to do what David wants to do.

I feel sorry for you.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. You don't hear what you sound like.

Give my regards to Connie.

Well, now, what's the name of the guy on first?

You're supposed to say who.

Who's on first?

Now, what's the name of the guy on first?

Who? Can't you remember that? Who's on first?

I don't know.

Oh, come on. Why are you having so much trouble with this? Who's on first?

I don't know.

This is ridiculous.

You're just angry at me because I didn't believe your UFO story.

It's not a story.

Oh, who needs this?

Did Martin need Lewis? Did Alan need Rossi? Did Abbott need Costello?

Yeah, actually, maybe he did.

Uh, Dad, you trying to make a point?

No, no, I don't care. I mean, listen, if Nicholas doesn't want to do this, he

doesn't have to do it.

I'll do it alone.

Who's on first?

What? No, what's on second? I don't know. I don't know. He's on... What?

My God. You know, all those little kids are just about your age.

Gonna let them down?

I don't know how to say this, but...

What? Well, I'm afraid to do the act. It's too hard for me. I can't remember

Hmm.

Well, what if I made it easier for you?

Think you can do that?

Hey, remember me? I'm a big -time theater major.

Thanks, Joanie, but don't tell Dad. I think it's best he thinks I'm mad at

Hey, Joanie. Yeah, listen. Excuse me, Nicholas.

A tap dancer needs background music. Uh -huh, so?

Well, David can't do it and Tommy... Tommy's all wrapped up in his magic act,

so... Oh, yeah.

Well, what about you could... You know?

I know somebody in this family that could accompany you.

Come on, Susan. If you played it any slower, I could do a soft shoot.

Hey, you're dealing with a musical talent. You're an artist. You don't like

tuba? You can dance acapulco, you dig?

I have in my hand three rings.

They appear connected.

However, voila!

They still appear connected.

Voila!

Gosh, that's funny. It works in a book.

I'm doing it.

I'm doing it.

I'm doing it.

Now look, you said I was going to go on first.

No, wait, Tommy. She promised me top billing.

My act won't work after a tuba solo.

Your act... Or work, period. Would you just keep quiet? You just shut up and

stay out of it.

Well, you know what they say.

Smooth dress rehearsal, bad show.

It is a bit rough around the edges.

Oh, you don't worry about that.

We'll get it together somehow.

Hold it! Hold it! Oh, what?

I would hate for the home to make a spectacle of itself.

Oh, no, no, Father, believe me.

These kind of things happen all the time in show business.

I mean, when creative egos get together, chaos just turns into magic.

I mean, you would be surprised at the miracles that occur once that curtain

rises.

Miracles?

Now, isn't that my line of work?

Only on Sundays.

Excuse me, Father.

Somebody's lost, and I think we'd better call a ski patrol.

Father Trinelli, I'm David Bradford. My former brother.

David, wonderful.

Your Goliath is in the wings.

Did you bring your music?

No, but I brought this for the kids.

A check?

Yeah.

That's very generous.

I wanted to contribute.

Why not?

Disasters are tax deductible.

Thank you, David. Every little bit helps.

Bits I'm not worried about, David.

We need a star.

Enjoy your weekend.

Then we have a lot of turkey and stuffing.

How about Christmas?

We all wake up in the morning and drink a lot of orange juice. My dad likes to

do that. Then we hand out the presents.

Yeah?

My dad used to do that, too.

I don't know where he is, but I sure wish he'd come home soon.

I don't like it here very much.

How long you been here?

A month, but Mommy and Daddy will come back soon.

Yep, that's what I thought about my mom, but she never did.

Were you sad?

Yeah, but I still have my new mom and my dad and all my brothers and sisters.

Gee, I wish I had a brother.

Boy, Tommy and David are the greatest brothers a guy could ever have.

Wow.

Uh -huh.

David's really great. He let me spend the night at his apartment when I ran

from home.

Really? Uh -huh.

Tommy's here now, but David had to go on an important trip, so you can meet him

when he gets back, okay?

Gee, Johnny, too bad not too many people showed up.

Oh, yeah.

Well, we gave it our best shot, didn't we?

Yeah. The show's got to go on, right? Yeah. Right. Better get ready.

See you. Hey, David.

Hi. Hi.

Uh, will this do?

Hey, look, I'm here, aren't I?

You're here.

David, have you decided what you're going to sing yet?

Well, what's it called?

I don't know. I just wrote it last night.

You wrote a special song?

That's right.

I'll see you later.

Jody, what are you being so nasty for? I mean, he's in the show, isn't he?

I'll get him lined up for you, okay?

I'm sure this opening will work. Why not?

It works every Saturday morning.

Okay, everybody, break it off.

Thank you.

for my first trick. I would like to introduce to you my lovely assistant.

Yes, isn't she talented?

And now I will ask my assistant to step inside the box.

A few spins.

And a wave of my magic wand.

And a few magic words.

Abracadabra. And you will see that she has disappeared.

Thank you.

if it isn't my old friend, Nicky Bradford. Hello, Nicky. How are you?

to see you. Well, this is some rock and roll concert tonight, isn't it? Yeah,

there's going to be three groups playing.

Yeah? One, two, three. Well, tell me something. What's the name of the first

group? Who?

The first group.

Who? That's what I want to find out.

What's that?

Who's the group that's going to play the first group? Well, if you know, why are

you asking me?

Wait a minute.

The second group.

Do they have a name?

Yes. What's their name?

Yes.

Okay, you've told me.

Now, who's the second group?

No, who's the first group?

How did we get back to the first group?

I don't know. You brought it up. All I want to know is the band going to play

tonight. The band isn't even here tonight. They've broken up.

Who's broken up? How can they be broken up? They're playing.

Well,

go on. You're holding up the show.

This song is written for my family.

When you belong to a large family, sometimes you forget you're a member.

And, well, this is my way of saying thank you to them for not forgetting

me.

There's a magic in the early morning we found.

When the sunrise smiles on everything around

It's a portrait of the happiness

that we feel and always will It is enough to fill

our lives with love Oh, we're lucky we can

share this beautiful space

So many find the world an empty place.

Anyone who has to stand alone is only standing still.

And aid is enough to fill our lives with love.

Oh, love makes all the difference now.

Thank you.

Okay, now, Nicholas, would you please retell your story of your close

David, what is this all about, anyway?

Nicholas and I are about to solve the mystery of the alien invaders.

Go ahead, Nicholas.

Okay, I was standing right here about to pitch a fast one to Kenny P. Landers,

and then all of a sudden, this little spaceman came up and threw a bag around

head and dragged me into a spaceship.

Family, this way, please.

I would like to introduce you...

to the Landers family spaceship.

Fully equipped, of course.

Where did that come from?

I helped build it about ten years ago with Penny's older brother, Teddy B.

Landers, a noted practical joker.

You did? This is great.

Yeah, look.

Have you been here all this time?

A long time. I forgot all about it.

Well, I guess that solves our little brother's mystery, doesn't it?

Yeah, but what about all those little men with the M &M's on them?