Original subtitles

Long night's journey into day.

One apple, take 34.

And action.

Hi, I guess you're wondering what I'm doing here tonight in a suit and all.

Well, it's kind of crazy, but I'm going to explain it to you anyway.

Well, see, tonight we have a kind of special show for you. It's called

Retro... Retrospective, Nicholas.

Retrospective. Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Retrospective. I don't exactly know what that means, but I know it's a different

kind of show.

So... I forgot what I'm supposed to say next.

So sit back and enjoy yourself.

Oh, yeah. So sit back and enjoy yourself and see all the kind of funny things

that happens to the Bradfords.

So stick around.

Isn't it over yet?

It's over. Cut!

It's nice to have a man around the house, isn't it? Yeah, he was too beat

handle this, so we made a deal. He's cooking tonight.

Well, in that case, I'm going to eat out.

And Miss Silly Con Bradford?

Look, I have had the pleasure of that. You haven't, so I'll eat out. By the

I need to talk to him.

Do you know where he is?

Yes, he's in the bedroom meditating in front of a crossword puzzle.

Oh, okay. Thank you.

I'm in.

Hi, Dad.

Keep quiet. I'm trying to think of an eight -letter word to think.

Eight -letter word.

Cogitate.

C -O -G -I -T -A -T -E. That's it.

Why didn't I cogitate that?

Well, because you spend all day cogitating over the typewriter. That's

What can I do for you, daughter number one?

What?

Oh, no.

Abby.

Abby.

Abby.

Abby.

Yeah, she's unconscious.

I'll call Mac.

She's going to be all right, Dr. Maxwell.

Yeah, I think so. There is a slight possibility of a minor concussion, but

won't know until morning.

Do we have to hospitalize her?

No, they do the same thing for her there that you can do here.

Every couple of hours, talk to her.

Make sure she's coherent, recognizes her surroundings, things like that.

You mean we should try and keep her awake all night?

More or less.

You see, what you have to watch for in any type of concussion is that you don't

allow the patient to slip into a coma.

Now... I'm making it sound more serious than it really is.

What I'm saying is that Abby shouldn't sleep for longer than short periods of

time over the next 12 hours.

Anything else?

Yes. Watch her temperature and her pulse to make sure everything's normal.

How do we keep her awake?

Well, I'm sure you all have enough stories to entertain her for the next 12

hours.

I'll stop by later tonight and see you. Bye, Dr. Max. Thank you, Dr. Max.

Oh, I'll be on rounds at St. Mary's until 8, and I'll be home after that.

Don't hesitate to call me. All right, Max, thanks a lot. Really.

Does he mean bedtime stories?

No, no, bedtime stories. They put people to sleep. We've got to keep Abby awake.

Oh. How about funny stories?

Yeah, all right. Why not?

Okay, gang, let's get organized. Somebody make a pot of coffee. I'll do

Someone call David.

I will. And somebody better make a schedule of our shift, all right? This

going to be a long night.

Okay.

You don't feel so hot, huh?

I felt better, Nikolai.

You don't have that thing where you can't remember anything, do you? Because

saw this thing on TV, you know, where a man falls on his head and he can't even

remember his name.

No, I don't think I have amnesia.

Oh, yeah? Well, who's the 26th president?

Hmm, the 26th president.

Beats me.

Don't worry. I can't even remember.

Listen, want to hear a story?

Yeah.

Once upon a time, I wanted to get arrested, but I didn't exactly know how

about it.

It's in the garage.

What is?

The cat. I'm a cat burglar.

Thirty days till I retire and I get Dennis the Menace.

My name's Nicholas.

Aren't you gonna make me stand over the wall so you can fist me?

The answer is no.

Come on, kid.

Come clean.

Why did you steal the cat?

So I can be like all my brothers and sisters.

Do your brothers and sisters steal cats?

No. They've all been arrested.

And I'm the only one in the whole family that's never been arrested.

Well, that's something to be proud of. You're the only one with a clean record.

Okay.

Stick out your mitts.

Your hands, kid. Stick out your hands.

You have the right to remain silent.

You have the right to an attorney.

If you cannot report an attorney, one will be provided by the court.

No,

kid. Don't smile.

Well, watch your step, kid.

You got a record now.

Yep.

Now you go to jail.

Dad said I was misguided, so he tried to make things up to me by being my best

friend. Boy, did he have it.

I'm going to teach you how to swim.

But I don't have my swimsuit.

That's all right. You don't need one.

You mean this will make it?

That's right. That's how Tommy and David learned. It's easier that way. You

don't have the trunks to weigh you down.

Okay, but if we get arrested, just remember it was your idea.

The first step was the YMCA.

Well, you ready, Nicholas?

If you say so, Dad.

Good luck.

Somehow we beat the rat, but Dad still wanted to spend all his time with me. So

he took me kite flying.

Only he did the flying.

No! No!

And I did the watch.

And I lost a good kite.

Are you and Dad still friends?

Yeah, but not best friends.

Freddie Ryan's my best friend.

Nicholas, would you mind if I just got a little bit of sleep?

Yeah, but not too much.

Okay, not too much.

Sorry, but doctor's orders.

It's your shift, huh?

Yeah, I made up the schedule.

Actually, it wasn't very taxing. See, I just devised it in reverse orders of

bedtimes. Pretty brilliant, huh?

Yeah.

But I'm not always this brilliant.

I remember the last time I tried to organize something.

It was my first big plunge into high finance. I wanted to be a real business

tycoon.

Well, what are we talking about?

Mary and I are having a garage sale. I was prowling around in the attic when I

suddenly realized that there's a small fortune in junk up there that we never

use. Oh, no, no. Wait a minute. You said there was junk. I said there was a

small fortune.

Relax, Tommy. I just brought over some merchandise.

All right. We'll take it on in consignment if it's saleable.

I don't know. Some of this stuff is pretty tacky, David.

That is a genuine Boy Scout bugle.

One owner.

Here, Elizabeth, put $7 .50 on it, put a slash through it, mark it down to five

bucks. We'll take anything down to 40 cents.

I thought this garage sale was supposed to be a partnership.

It is. You're a 33 % partner and I'm a 67 % partner. I came up with the idea

I'm providing the management services.

Then how come I'm carrying most of the load?

Tommy, do we still have that umbrella tent Dad bought the time he promised to

take us camping?

Yeah, it's over there. I'm asking 75 bucks for it, including a certified

affidavit that this family never slept in it. Well, you'll have to change that.

I'm sleeping in it tonight.

Uh, no, no, I'm sorry, Susan, but I can't let you do that. You see, the

depreciation between new and used is brutal.

Tommy, I'm your sister.

Blood is blood and business is business.

Which leaves us with a net total of $31 .46.

$31 .46.

That's hardly more than $10 for each of us.

No, that's more like $5 for the junior partners and in the neighborhood of

$20 for the front office.

Oh, wait a second, wait a minute. No, no, no. Now a deal is a deal.

67 % for the front office and 33 % for the minority shareholders.

Hey,

if you wanted a sure thing, you should have stuck with babysitting.

The front office.

Well, it's lonely at the top.

Know what I mean, sweetheart?

It was also wet at the top. Know what I mean, sweetheart?

Hi,

Elizabeth.

Hi, I didn't know you were awake.

Yeah, Tommy's been keeping me up with tales of his business troubles.

Oh, well, listen, maybe I should let you spend some time alone.

No, no, no, come sit down. Keep me company.

Okay.

Well, you know, I'm not very good at stories.

We could just talk.

Okay. You know, I can remember a time when you didn't want to talk to me at

Yeah, I guess I was being a little selfish.

I've got a history of being a little selfish.

Hi, I'm Billy Klein Connect. I'm here for Elizabeth.

Oh, sure, come in.

Hi, I'm Nancy.

I'm Billy Klein Connect. I'm here for Elizabeth.

Yeah, I kind of guessed.

Uh, Nancy, I have to get dressed. Okay.

Why don't you come into the den and I'll go tell her you're here, okay?

Dad, this is Billy Klein Connect.

My father, Mr.

Bradford. Oh, hello. Nice to meet you. I'm Billy Klein Connect.

I'm here for Elizabeth.

How did you two get acquainted?

All right, very good.

Sit down, Billy. Make yourself at home.

and I'm here for Elizabeth.

Sure, come in.

Why don't you come in here, Jeremy, and I'll tell Elizabeth that you're here.

Have a seat.

Listen, why don't I go and see what's taking us so long?

I'm sure it's nothing to worry about.

Hi.

Here for Elizabeth.

Yeah, I kind of had a hunch.

I'd better warn her you're here.

We have a bit of a problem. There are two guys downstairs waiting to take you

the prom.

Jeremy, what are you doing here?

You mean tonight isn't the prom?

Kelly!

It was so embarrassing.

The night couldn't possibly get any worse.

Good evening.

I'm Mike Thompson. I'm here for Elizabeth.

How you doing?

Stand awake.

Ah, good.

Are the headaches still bad?

Kind of.

Shucks, I'm so sorry.

Maybe you'd feel better if I told you some of my most famous headache stories.

Tom, you're not going to tell your medical history, are you?

No, no, it's more like my paternal history.

You know, headaches kind of go with my job.

Boy, I've had some real beauties.

Daddy, I want to go on the pill.

You want to go on the pill?

We're not getting married, Daddy.

We're going to live together.

Quarantined? What is this all about? Please don't come out of your house, Mr.

Bradford. Things can go in, food, so forth, but nothing is to come out. I'm

sorry. Excuse me, sir.

I don't live here.

You do now.

Who are you?

Would you repeat that last part, please?

You're not going to believe this.

I have seven kids in jail.

But even with headaches, I've still had a few minor moments of glory, like

explaining the facts of life to Tommy.

Tommy, do you know what the word puberty means?

It is the time in life when a young person's body experiences

certain changes.

These changes can be very confusing.

because they send messages to the brain.

And this is very confusing.

You following?

You see, men and women are constructed differently.

Like cars, they both start out with the same standard equipment, four wheels and

a motor.

But then, of course, we have our various options.

Power steering and disc brakes.

You see?

Think of it as a dance of electronic force.

Do you see what I'm getting at?

So, to sum it all up, watch yourself Saturday night.

Thanks, Dad. I'll keep that in mind.

That speech put Tommy asleep, too.

Coffee call.

Oh, thanks.

I made you caffeinated. I figured the heat would keep us awake without the

caffeine making us any more nervous. I don't think I could be more nervous.

Well, instead of having a concussion, we could be having a baby.

I think I could be more nervous.

I wonder how Nancy's doing.

I must say, you have a unique bedside manner.

Are you trying to hypnotize me?

Oh, no, Abby.

It's just that I'm not good at being around people who are sick.

Oh.

I start imagining that I have what they have.

Then you must have a pretty bad headache right now, huh?

You would have to mention that.

This headache is nothing compared to the one I had when I was a contestant in

the Miss Sacramento beauty pageant.

It all started because of the talent contest. And I found out just how

untalented I was. Remember?

Come on!

Come on, Mary.

Baton twirling is not a martial art. I know, but I can't do it.

I can't do it.

You can't do it. I couldn't do it.

This is going to make a great routine.

What?

Oh, tell me.

On your mark, get set, go.

If it weren't for you, I would have never realized how truly talented I was.

And here she is, the fifth and last finalist herself, Miss...

Nancy Brockwood!

I didn't win, but my hair sure looked good.

Even though it's not New Year's, I guess it's a good time to make a resolution.

I, Nancy Bradford, do solemnly swear that I will never do dumb things again.

Or at least I won't be so obvious about it.

Abby, are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, it's nothing dumb.

Could you hand me my water, please?

Sure.

That's better.

Thank you. You want anything else?

Do you know any funny stories to tell me to keep me awake?

Funny stories.

Let me think now.

Well, you know, I might not do as many dumb things as Nancy, but I sure can do

some crazy things.

Do you remember me on TV?

Yeah, well, let me tell you, she can sure inspire some nutso things.

Like the time she came last year for that surprise visit. Oh, boy.

In two days, she had me at 3 ,000 feet.

Look, she's climbing out on the wing.

And I enjoyed every foot of it, except for the last few.

I didn't exactly hit my mark, but I did land.

And if you think skydiving is dangerous, try competing with Joanie for a

boyfriend. Roger had us both flying.

As brief as a flash of sunlight on the burning sand.

And as everlasting as the desert night.

See, I think that all Qatar is talking about us here.

Because what we have is both fleeting and strong.

At least you didn't have to sit through Siri's answer to Rod McKeown. Yeah.

Hashi Al Qatari. Oh, yeah?

Love is like the fragrance of the wind.

Brief as a flash of sunlight on the burning sands.

And everlasting as a desert night.

Oh, that's what I like best about Roger. He treated us both separate, but equal.

Oh, yeah.

I think we owe him a debt of gratitude.

I brought the bubbly. That's what I call planning ahead.

And I brought the glasses.

What is this?

Well, do you need it spelled out?

Yeah. We've just decided not to fight over you anymore, Roger. Yeah, that

fair to any of us. Now think about it. This is the only solution that makes any

sense at all.

Yeah.

I've heard about these arrangements, but I've never really been part of one.

The best is yet to come.

And the best was yet to come.

Hi.

Oh, not again.

David, I absolutely not... Hello, Roger, dear.

Roger the Dodger. We never saw him again after that night. He ran home to his

mother.

There's no reason to go on telling you what Susan probably already told you.

just telling.

I mean, I know all about Roger, but I never heard both sides of the story.

Well, now you know.

Hey,

remember that time when Dad almost had heart failure when I was doing Midsummer

Night's Dream?

Vividly. Yeah, but you never knew what I went through before opening night to

try to keep him in the dark about it.

Shakespeare in the nude?

It was just one thing, the opening of Act Three.

But it's critical.

Susan, what do you think I should do? I think you should give me that ice cream.

You're on a strict diet.

Susan was a big help.

She was such a big help, I finally went to David.

I want to know if you think I should tell Dad.

Of course not. He'll freak.

Great.

Joanie, I have to talk to you.

About what?

About the play.

Dad, I'm sorry.

You're sorry?

No, I'm the one that's sorry.

I feel terrible.

Terrible? Yes, I can't come to see the play.

You can't?

Famous last words.

He did come.

Okay, get ready.

I

hadn't

seen a look like that on Dad's face. I never have seen a look like that on

face.

Dad was so understanding, though.

I mean, you made me realize that anything that one of us does affects the

family. You mean like falling on your head?

Yeah, like falling on your head.

Yeah, come in.

Bed check.

Hi, Dr. Max.

It's 3 a .m.

Do you know where your patients are?

Max, don't make me laugh. Please, please.

Johnny, why don't you get some rest while I visit with Abel? Okay.

Bye. Bye.

You're better. Okay.

Thank you, Dr. McElroy.

Well, how are we feeling?

Well, myself, I'm feeling better, I guess.

Any nausea, dizziness, disorientation,

clammy skin, perspiration?

Fatigue.

That's natural. You haven't slept.

The service in this hospital has been outstanding.

Well, you have me to thank for that.

How so?

Well, if it weren't for me, you wouldn't be here.

You mean you pushed me off the ladder?

What I mean is, I got you into this family in the first place.

Oh, come on, Greg. You and I didn't meet until long after Tom and I started

dating. Stop interrupting, and I'll tell you what I mean.

As I was saying, if I had not shown Tom what it meant to be a swinging single,

he would never have been in the marrying frame of mind.

When Daisy kicked me out, where else could I go but to my best friends?

I feel guilty about going out tonight. I have mountains of research work to do.

Not tonight, Tom. Not with all those fascinating females waiting out there.

Excuse me, I've got to go to the ladies room.

Oh. I'll go, too, and freshen up.

Oh, okay. Thank you. Be right back.

Boy, Daisy could take some lessons out of having fun in that one. Yeah, Max,

they're not coming back.

Are you sure about this? Don't you think at least we should have met them first?

Relax, Tom. The brother -in -law of the guy who services my car knows these

girls personally, Lillian and Navis.

Real ladies, a sure thing.

What do you think about it, Tom?

About what?

The energy crisis.

Oh, the energy crisis.

It's critical. It's very critical.

Listen, would you fellas excuse us for just a moment?

Oh, sure.

Which one do you want?

Oh, I don't really care, Greg.

It's all the same to you.

I'll take the cute one.

Sure.

Which one is that?

No worse.

You mean she's not out of the woods yet?

Not quite.

What are we going to do?

Do exactly as you've been doing. And for the most part, keep her awake and

comfortable. If there should be any change at all, I'll call you right away.

Right.

Tom, I know it seems pretty bad now, but I'm sure that by morning, Abby will be

up and around.

By morning, huh?

Still a few hours yet.

word around the hallway is that i'm gonna pull through don't believe in

why not i mean they make just as much sense as anything else and that's coming

from somebody who's put a lot of faith in some pretty flaky things i'll be the

first one to admit i've stood up for a lot of causes in my time time so she had

to break our date most of those causes ran contrary to popular opinion oh no

me it's not to mention dad's opinion

Dad, I want you to know that I've thought a lot about this.

I want to run for a seat on the Board of Education in the upcoming election.

I thought you said you had thought a lot about this.

So I hit the street, looking for support.

He never signs anything without his attorney.

I think I should stick to medicine, huh?

It's your body language.

It's my what? Your body. It's telling everyone that you're a Mary Bradford

scared political candidate.

Oh, is that right?

Well, Nancy, what is my body telling you now? Hey, come on, you guys.

Let's get a hold of our dignity here. We have to be in the public eye.

You're so good, Nancy. It's all right.

It's a piece of cake, Mary. A piece of cake. A piece of cake.

Nancy taught me a few things about politics that day.

Not only did she get me on the ballot, she got her name and number into every

little black book in Sacramento.

piece of my cake?

No thanks, kid.

I think I'll just have a straight shot.

No chaser.

You don't look so happy.

I'm not.

This whole campaign is turning into a mess and it's all my fault.

What did you do?

I wish I knew.

Maybe.

Hey, where are you going?

Back to school.

On purpose?

Yep.

Well, the returns came in, and we all know I lost the election.

But I want a good friend.

You. They all worked so hard and landed up with nothing. Don't let them get you

depressed. Depress me? I'm not depressed.

Abby, I feel guilty.

They're upset because I lost, and I couldn't be happier.

It is so happy, Aunt.

I have a confession to make.

I didn't vote for you.

I have a confession to make.

I didn't vote for me.

Hi.

Hi.

I was almost to the point of actually dreaming.

Sounds like me.

Except with me, it never gets beyond the point of dreaming.

Maybe I've slipped into a coma or something, but I don't know what you're

talking about.

The perfect girl.

You know, the woman of my dreams.

Except somehow, someway all my dreams turn into nightmares.

One of my recent nightmares was Noreen.

She turned out to be a big holiday headache.

I don't know if I'm going to be able to sleep on this couch.

It's awfully lumpy.

Yeah, it's a real backbreaker.

Hey, listen, you're invited to join me.

David, it's Christmas Eve.

Oh, no, correction, it's Christmas Day.

Well, just doesn't seem right.

After all, it is a sacred holiday.

It's celebrated all over the world in recognition... Maureen, you could just

you have a headache.

I thought things couldn't get worse.

Until good old Fred showed up.

But I don't like blind dates.

Don't think of her as a blind date. I mean, think of her as a date you haven't

seen yet.

I don't see the difference.

The difference is that this gorgeous girl will not go out with me unless I

a date for her friend.

The actress still knows. Listen, you see this? This is my hand over my heart.

Now, I give you my solemn word. I'm not going to stop bothering you until you

give in.

And I give you my solemn word that I won't give in. All right, listen.

Can you be bought?

All right.

All right.

Yes, Fred.

Yes, you win.

Yes, I crack.

You are acting crazy. I mean, this girl is a prize.

Come on.

Just relax.

Hey, there they are. Huh?

Yours is the one on the left.

Did you say on the left? On the left, yes.

Mine is on the right.

Hi. Hi.

This is David.

And this is Mary.

Hi.

Look at this. They can't take their eyes off each other. And who says blind

dates don't work out, huh?

You can thank me later.

I didn't thank him.

But I did try something new.

You sure this laundromat routine works? Hey, it never fails.

You see, there's something about a woman that can't help responding to a

helpless man trying to cope with a domestic chore.

This I gotta see. Shh, not so loud.

We do have dollar on this, right?

And what if we strike pay dirt?

Well, then you and the laundry take the bus home.

This is merely for future reference.

What temperature do we use?

Beats me.

I guess we just throw everything together, right?

Uh, no. I think we're supposed to separate this stuff.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, but what goes where?

Yeah, well, thanks, ma 'am.

Yeah, we got it all down pat. Thanks.

Yeah, well, that was just terrific.

Yeah, all right, wise guy. So we blew it. At least we learned something,

Oh, yeah.

First you put the delicate stuff over there. No starch.

After that, it was quite a few weeks and quite a bit of dirty clothing before I

could even walk by a laundromat.

I don't blame you.

I think the thing that hurt the most, though, was that I set a lousy example

Tommy.

What? Well, I think he was really looking forward to a surefire way to

girl.

That made me laugh.

How are we doing?

Oh, fine.

Fine.

I think I'll take a walk.

Bye, David. Thank you.

You know, Tom Bradford, you have a nice selection of children.

Handpicked. Just like the stepmother.

You know, sometimes I'm surprised that it ever happened.

We ever happened.

Come on, Tom, get your ass in. Most people meet over dinner and drinks. We

over a broken leg.

Oh.

Hello, Mrs. Abbott.

I'm Tom Bradford, Tommy's father. How do you do? How do you do?

Let's go someplace fun, you know, like the Marimba Lounge. Oh, come on, Abby.

Don't start that. I can't stand that place. It gives me a migraine. All those

noisy people with their lot of kookarachas. Now, come on. Give me a

we always go where you want to go. Just once. Just once. I'd like to go where I

want to go. All right, Abby. I don't want to argue with you. We'll go where

want to go. Give me the keys to your car. Oh, no.

No, you're not driving my car again until you have at least one more lesson.

am not going to be chauffeuring around like Nicholas to a birthday party. Now

give me the keys. No, Tom, you're not driving my car.

Abby. Tom. Abby. Tom. Yes.

Do you realize what we're doing?

Yes. And I love it.

Look, Tom, your life is, well, it's like a pie and it's cut into eight pieces.

And, well, you're stuck right in the middle and...

Well, see, I've thought a lot about this, and I don't think there's a slice

you left for me.

Oh, come on now. There's enough left of me to go around. At least five extra

pounds.

Tom, I'm serious.

I think we should stop seeing each other for a while.

A while wasn't a very long while.

Missed you.

I love you.

I love you.

I want to marry you.

I want to marry you.

Why do you laugh?

What do you mean, well?

I did tell you that we wanted a simple wedding, right? Yeah, but we were going

to have a ten -piece orchestra.

A ten -piece orchestra?

Dad, they play 19 different instruments. I gave Keith a deposit.

You lost your money.

Oh, Tom, you can't do that to them. Daddy, you can't do that.

It's all I had.

That's not my problem.

But they meant well. They should have asked.

But they didn't, so we... They're my kids.

There won't be any wedding.

What? There won't be any wedding.

Willie Lope.

Maybe we should just call it off altogether.

I'm glad we didn't call it off.

With this ring, I thee wed.

With this ring, I thee wed.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Who would have ever thought that we would get together?

Not me.

Me either.

But we did.

Seems to be working, doesn't it?

I wasn't sure it was working until Christmas.

That was the first time I knew for certain we were a family.

Because it took every single one of us to turn Tommy's sadness around.

Wait.

Well, how come Santa didn't steal it?

It was hidden away in the kitchen.

That's clever.

It's a book.

E .E. Cummings.

It was Mom's favorite.

My dearest Tommy.

it is not unmanly to be sensitive be happy that you are

it makes you even more than a man it makes you

a human being merry christmas

It was the best Christmas of my entire life.

Beautiful day, isn't it?

Still around, huh?

Well, what do you think? Pretty Nazi family.

I don't know how we got into all that stuff.

More?

Okay, listen, I'm supposed to talk somewhere.

Hmm. Oh, yeah, there was this time when me and Maloney got into a big hassle,

see, because he was trying to push me around.

So I decided I was going to take some of that Army stuff, like Audrey Murphy and

all that stuff.

So Barry brought home this Army fellow, you know, see.

What?

Yeah, but they didn't hear what happened. See, so I was asking how I

punch Maloney's lights out, you know.

That's fine, Nicholas. Thank you.

Yeah, but it's a great story.

So I was asking him how to punch out his lights, you know. Sorry, we're out of

time. We've got really muddled up.