Original subtitles

Dad, stop. Wait.

My teacher said we're supposed to write a story for tomorrow.

You want to hear mine?

Oh, yeah, sure. I'd love to hear your story.

Right here?

Uh -huh.

I'll write my pocket there.

This boy went to the store to buy a kite. When he got there, the man told

the kite costed $1 .25.

So the boy took all the money out of his pocket and counted 82 cents.

That's it?

Uh -huh.

Oh, your story has a very nice start, but there is no ending.

What's an ending?

An ending is how the story ends.

Oh, Dad, can I buy...

You are something.

I love happy endings.

Editorial. Sport.

I got the sports. I got to cut it up for school.

You know, with a family this large, you'd think we could afford two

You have nothing to worry about. You always have the choice of food and

or the classified.

Yes, but do you really think that David's going to go along with all this?

he owes me for going out with that friend of his.

You know, the one with the garlic breath?

Yeah, but, you know, I didn't think he was that bad. Oh, he was an android.

Appointed ambassador to Togo.

Oh, no.

Jake Hanley appointed ambassador to Togo.

Well, who's Jake Hanley and where's Togo?

Hmm? Togo is a nation in Africa. Jake Hanley and I went to college together.

If it hadn't been for me, he would never have passed. Poli Sci won.

I had to hold his hand through the entire semester.

It's a miracle that he passed the finals.

Dad, are you sure that this is the same Jake Hanley? Oh, yeah, sure. Here's his

picture. He doesn't look any smarter now than he did then.

Well, can this guy read and write? He doesn't have to. He went right into his

father's law firm. Boy, what an exciting thing.

Can you imagine in the middle of your life taking off on an adventure like

And to be the ambassador to Togo, no less?

Hope he can find it.

Dad, where exactly is Togo?

Oh, well, here's Africa, right?

And here's the Sahara Desert.

And then right under the Sahara Desert, you have the Belgian Congo.

Wait a minute. Dad, there hasn't been a Belgian Congo for 18 years. I think you

mean Zaire. Oh, yes.

They keep changing. I can't keep up with the changes. Anyway, it's right down

here to the left, I think.

It's there.

What the heck is this all about?

What dedication?

The man has just written his 3 ,000th column and he doesn't even know it. My 3

,000th column?

You want to blow out the candles?

Here it is, Mr. Bradford.

In case you haven't read it.

It's from all of us. Oh, I'm overwhelmed.

I don't know what to say.

Well, you'll think of something sooner or later.

Listen, couldn't we have cheated? Why didn't we frame last Tuesday's column,

one I did about the role of the press in a free society?

What's the matter with the old spring?

Oh, nothing, I guess. It's just that, I mean, you know, I do something like this

along similar lines every spring.

It's a classic, Tom.

Like fine wine, it gets better with age.

I have something else for you, Tom.

I had intended to present this to you upon your retirement, but what with the

pollution in the air and the poisons in the foods, I probably won't be around by

then.

Anyway,

here it is.

Gee, that's something. Boy, isn't that the machine that your father used to

It was just a bother keeping clean.

All right, everybody.

Time to quit loafing and get back to work.

And that includes you, Mr. Big Shot.

Time to crank out number 3 ,001.

Just crank out number 3 ,001.

That's the way he tells me. How do you think that makes me feel?

Like a machine.

Exactly. Especially after I just did my 3 ,000 column, which was an own -to

-spring, that thing that I churn out every year, only I name it a different

flower each year.

Don't downgrade yourself, Tom. That's a very good column you write. I know. I

think it's a good column, too. I really do.

It's just that I want to do something with a little more depth. You

I don't want to keep doing the spring flowers every year.

Oh, Greg, I think I'm in a rut. I really do.

Don't you understand?

I want to do something that's more exciting.

Something that's different.

You mean like, uh, Jay Kenley?

Yes, exactly.

I got that big old through poli -sci one, and now he's being appointed the

ambassador to Togo.

I mean, if he, if he can get out of a rut, well, why can't I?

Tom, what about that project you got up on the shelf?

Oh, no, no, that was...

Three kids ago.

It was, uh, notes on a novel, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah, but it didn't get very far.

Um, Ed Hanley, the guy who, uh, had the office down the hall from me, he had a

project just like yours. Left it on the shelf for years.

And? One day at dinner, burst forward right into a salad.

Listen, Tom, I got a patient who's a writer.

Makes a lot of money.

He says the secret is a good agent.

He got six figures for the motion picture rights to a dream.

Why don't you let me call him and see if I can set something up with his agent?

All you have to do is talk to him. That's all.

All right.

Guess it wouldn't do any harm.

Greg, do you think that I could write enough?

Of course you can write a novel. Do you have any idea of what people do with my

column when they're finished reading it? They wrap fish in it. They start fires

with it. But a novel, now that's different. That's permanent. It has

Nobody's going to wrap a flounder in that.

It'll be a little tricky.

I'm dead serious, Debbie.

I know, Tom.

I mean, I've come to a point in life where I've got to find out what my

are. I've got to take some chances. Go for the roses.

I'm going to wake up some morning and find myself a grandfather.

When that day rolls around...

I don't want to feel like I've settled for second best, that I've given up on

dreams before even giving them a chance.

Do you understand what I'm trying to say? Yes, I do. I mean, it's a gamble. I

could fail. It's going to take a lot of belt tightening around here.

Well, I'm ready if you are. But you know what Greg says? He says that I could

probably get a $2 ,000 advance on the basis of a good outline, you know?

And then if they would just give me two weeks' leave of absence plus my own two

weeks' vacation, I think we could swing it. I'm sure we can. I think you ought

to do it.

You do?

Yeah.

What's the matter? You look almost disappointed.

No, no, it's just that I thought I'd have to convince you, and you sound like

you're already convinced.

You want a little flack?

Try the kids.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

They're always good for a little flack.

Eh, Nick, you'll never get him to do it. Why not?

Well, number one, David likes to pick his own women, and number two, Cheryl

her whole family, including Cousin Eric, are too snooty for David. Well, you

think that anyone who doesn't go around in tentacles all the time is snooty.

Yeah, well, we're not talking about me. We're talking about David, and if

there's anything he hates, it's the snob.

Hi, lady.

Speak of the devil. In tennis shoes.

Hey, what's the big powwow all about?

Oh, one of Dad's big proclamations.

Oh, boy.

Why, they're handsome.

Uh -oh.

What do you want?

David, do you remember about a month ago when you asked me to go out with your

friend, Quentin?

Vaguely. And I went out with him, even though he was from another planet.

Oh, come on, he wasn't that bad.

David, he was a turkey, and his legs were too long for his pants.

But, because I love you so much, I'm only asking you to go out with the most

beautiful girl in Sacramento, Cheryl Davies.

Is that so?

What's in it for you?

Eric Baer.

We'll double date.

Well, how come you can't get your hooks into this guy without my getting

involved?

because Erica's Cheryl's cousin, and she won't set it up unless I get her a date

with you.

What if I refuse?

Well, um, you remember that little trip you took to Tijuana?

Dad just might find out about it.

I knew you'd see it my way.

Would all of you please come into the living room? I have something I want to

tell you.

Blackmailer. What's up? What are you reading?

I have an announcement that I want to make that concerns the whole family.

That's why I asked you all to gather in here together at the same time and in

the same place.

This concerns something that's very important to me and by extension the

you as well.

What is it, Dad?

What is it?

Well, I'm going to write a novel.

What are you writing about?

I am going to write about what I know best, a large family.

You mean us?

Well, not exactly.

No, you see, a writer draws upon his own life experience, and then he alters and

shadows that to fit the form of his work. So in a sense, I will be writing

you, but then again, in a sense, I won't be, because, well, you see,

I am not... going to make this a cheap expose on the Bradford family.

I mean, I will not invade your privacy.

This is just going to be very open and honest in the same true way that we've

always trusted each other in this family.

So, are there any questions?

Good. Well, then...

There's one other little formality that I would like to take care of. I would

appreciate it if you would sign these releases that I have here.

Just in case we get an interested publisher.

Are you serious?

Uh -huh. There you go.

Dad!

What's a release?

Oh, a release is a piece of paper with a line on the bottom that you sign.

There you go.

There you are.

No.

Four outlines.

Untitled novel.

Chapter one.

Notes for outline.

Pieces of eight.

Chapter one.

David, my oldest son.

What can I say about David, my firstborn?

Susan, there's something I want to talk to you about.

Dad, how much money do you think is on this table?

Oh, I have no idea.

Neither do I.

Well, what did you do, Robert Pike?

No, I am the lucky treasurer of the volleyball team, so I get to collect the

charter bus money. Oh, yeah, that's cute. Listen, there's a couple of

that I want to ask you about the canoe trip that we took on the Uber, then I'll

disappear. Dad, I'm really running late, so couldn't you just go out back and

ask Tommy to do it? I'm sure he would love to answer all your questions.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

That's a good idea. Thanks.

Hi, Dan. Hi.

Hey, Susan, it's all set. It's going to happen just like I said it would. Nancy

got David to call Cheryl. No, but he said that he was going to. I still say

won't go through with it.

You want to make a bet? I certainly do.

Okay, how about two weeks dishwashing? You got it. All right.

And you got some of this.

What is this? Count, please.

Okay.

Five, ten.

Oh, you mean the time that Joanie ironed her hair and it caught on fire.

No, no, no, no. This was the Yuba River trip, the time that Susan tipped over in

the canoe, Nicholas insisted that he saw an elephant, and was that the trip that

Mary's boyfriend came along and got very sick?

Yeah, I think it was, only it was a bear, not an elephant.

Well, I prefer elephant.

Poetic license.

Oh, you mean poets have a license to lie.

Oh, no, not lie.

Interpret.

Well, Dad, you're not going to be, uh...

interpreting any family things, are you?

No, no. Not exactly.

Oh, please, Daddy. I don't want to look too anxious. You get it. No, it's Bert

Sklar for me, and I'd rather you got it. Oh, no, no, no. I think it's Eric for

me. Bert Sklar. Eric.

Sklar.

Better.

I had to go out for it without my house key.

Has the agent arrived yet? No, no, not yet.

What agent?

Bert Sklar. He's coming to the house for dinner tonight. He's the biggest

literary agent in Sacramento.

Oh.

Oh, that must be Bert Sklar. Now, you get him. It's your turn. It's Eric

Hi. Hi, Pops. Hey, your date's car broke down. We have to use my van.

David, you need a tie.

Oh, I've got one in my pocket. Come on, let's go. Bye, Dad. Bye, Dad.

Oh, excuse me.

Tom, Tom.

Hello.

Bertram Sklar.

Yes. Well, would you like to have a drink before dinner?

Sounds good to me.

Nancy looked like she was on her way to the French Riviera. Yeah, Dave looked

like he was going to the dentist.

Oh, that's a cute description. I should make a note of that for the book, right?

Dad, you know, I'm not so sure I want everything I say written down.

Don't be silly, Tommy. You should be proud your father might use your words.

That was a cute description.

And this is a cute family.

Tom, I tell you, it's going to be a bestseller. And the next step is a

A movie?

I'm sure it's a bit more complicated than you make it seem, Bert.

Don't kid yourself, Abby.

I've already spoken to somebody in the studio, and I got good feedback.

Gee, I don't know. I haven't even written the book yet.

I don't have a problem with that.

You don't, but I sure do.

You're a good writer, Tom. I wouldn't be here if I didn't believe that.

I read that ode to spring column of yours the other day.

I found it fresh and inventive.

I like last year's flower better.

You know...

This is what the young Hemingway drank when he wrote those masterful short

stories.

What do you think made those stories so powerful, Tom?

Brandy?

Wrong, Tom.

I'll tell you in three words, Tom.

Powerful.

Human.

Emotions.

For example, Tom, take your daughters.

Now, they all must have, well, the older ones certainly must have had

experiences.

I want all that in the book, Tom. Every secret morsel of it.

That's what people buy books to read about.

Oh, yes, sure. I mean, I'm sure that my daughter's experiences are a very

important part of their growing up, but Bert, having eight children is quite an

experience, too.

Anyone can have eight children, Tom.

Oh.

Yeah. Sure.

Yes.

What we need to see are eight unique stories.

When people read your novel, we want to see them laugh, and we want to see them

cry.

Believe me, Tom, every time we retch a gut, that old cash register

goes crazy.

I gotta get to class.

Do you think you can handle the dishes?

Oh, well, if I can't handle them, I'm sure Elizabeth would love to.

Okay. Mrs. Bradford?

Bye, Mr. Sklar.

So are high -level confabs over? Yeah, for the time being.

You know, I really like that bird. I mean, he's more like a collaborator.

very literate and articulate, and he believes in me and my project.

So do I.

Hey, guys, listen. Tell me what you think, okay?

Now, I've narrowed it down between Liza and Bette.

Who? Manelli or Midler for the part of Joanie, obviously.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, Joanie, you're not a Liza and you're not a Bette. You're more of an Ollie.

McGraw. No, Muhammad.

Oh,

thanks a lot.

Bye.

Bye.

Wrong, wrong, wrong. You got everything wrong. Wrong? It was your fault.

What do you mean, my fault? I mean that the whole thing was your fault.

Who's fault what was?

She got us kicked out of the restaurant.

One at a time.

It was a social disaster.

David was so crude, I couldn't believe... Just try talking to those

she hangs around with. I mean, what a bunch of snobs, my sister included.

I have never been so humiliated in all my life. My own brother doing this to

How do you think I feel?

What are you doing?

You can't write about this.

Nothing. You don't understand. It's all right. I understand one thing. I just

saw you die for your notepad.

David, we agreed.

Well, I'm unagreeing. From now on, everything I do or say is off the

want my release back.

Well, I don't want to be made into a laughingstock. I want my release back,

Please, what about my book?

My literary agent is expecting a novel about eight children.

Well, you'll have to adopt two substitutes. We're out.

I don't suppose there's anything I could say or do that would change your mind.

No, I don't suppose so.

Nope. I didn't think so.

All right.

No problem.

I'll give you your releases.

Here they are.

Right here.

But before you take the releases, don't you think you owe me the courtesy of at

least the final word?

Is there any way we can stop you?

No.

First of all, let me tell you that I'm very hurt.

To think that you would believe that I would do anything to harm either one of

you. No, it's not just that, Dad.

It's just that I don't want you to write about this like it was all my fault.

You always listen to David because he's older.

Oh, come on. You know you have him wrapped around your little finger.

Wait a minute now. Aren't we all forgetting that I'm the journalist of

family? Journalists are trained to be objective.

So why don't you just calm down, tell me your sides of the story, and then we

can all arrive at the truth together.

All right, who would like to lead off?

Ladies first.

Fine. Well, to begin with, David was a super drag right from the very

I was a drag? You were the one who kept whining about... David, hold it, huh? If

we're going to do this, we'll do it properly.

We'll start with the ground rules.

First of all, don't interrupt Nancy because she'll have plenty of time to

when she's finished.

And Nancy, as far as you're concerned, don't editorialize. Just stick to the

facts.

You asked for it.

Well, Dad, I've been looking forward to riding in Eric Ford's car.

But as luck would have it, it wasn't running. So we had to arrive at Los

Caballos in David's crummy old van.

You should have seen the look on David's face when the attendant asked for a

lousy dollar to park the van.

It took forever for David to find a space.

Two and a half blocks away, I might add.

After a long walk, we finally got back to the restaurant.

Of course, David got off on the wrong foot right away with Cheryl by leering

her openly and pawing at her like an animal.

Only Eric's good reading saved us from total humiliation.

Thank goodness we got a table right away before David's bad manners could make a

fool of him.

Everything all right?

Yeah, good.

Ready to order?

May I suggest an alternative to the paella?

Everyone orders that.

Shall I order for the table, David?

I'll have the paella, thank you.

Paella?

For the ladies and myself, the Punta Gallego.

Punta Gallego.

Accompanied by a light red Rioja.

Muy bien.

Por favor.

Well, you two have a lot in common.

You're both in the construction business, I mean.

David builds buildings, and Eric owns them.

Oh, no, I don't exactly own them, Nancy.

Cheryl's father, my uncle... That's fine.

My uncle does. I just work for him.

Perhaps you know him.

His name is Stedman. Oh, yes, I know.

We went on strike against him last winter.

I guess that puts you and me on opposite sides of the fence, doesn't it?

We don't have to be.

In management and labor can shake hands across that fence.

Management built that fence, Eric. I don't think they had shaking hands in

I don't know what you mean.

I mean the strike breakers you hired to break the strike.

I don't think you have your facts straight.

Are you calling me a liar?

No. I've had enough!

Sorry.

Nice bouquet.

Luckily, they kicked us all out before David could cause any more damage.

Dad, I was so embarrassed, I could have just died.

If Nancy's fairy tale is over... Just stick to the facts, please. Leave the

to me.

Fine.

We had to take my van because Eric's $10 ,000 sports car was in the shop again.

First thing I find out is it's going to cost me a buck and a half to have some

Toreador in red pants park my van when there's a space half a block away.

I couldn't believe Nancy kicked up such a fuss about having to walk a half a

block. As for Cheryl, if she's really as attractive as Nancy says, she managed

to disguise it pretty well under a ton of makeup.

Why do you mean it's not your table? Look, I have four others.

The rest do all the sets.

Oh, yeah, I'd like the paella, please. Thank you.

May I suggest an alternative to paella?

Everyone orders that.

Oh, sure.

Oh, yeah, great.

For the ladies and myself, Bota Gallego.

Accompanied by... Hold it.

Quiet.

Accompanied by a light red Riojo.

A Rioja.

Rioja.

Well, you both have a lot in common, you know that?

You're both in the construction business. How about that?

David builds buildings.

But Eric owns them.

I don't exactly own them.

Cheryl's father, my uncle, does.

I work for him.

Perhaps you've heard of him.

The name is Stedman.

Oh, yeah, I know him. We went on strike against him last winter.

I guess that puts you and me on opposite sides of the fence, doesn't it?

We don't have to be.

Management and labor can shake hands across that fence.

management build that fence i don't think they had shaking hands in mind

now what's that supposed to mean i mean the strike breakers you had to break the

strike you do not have your facts straight are

you calling me a liar

You believe that garbage, you'll believe anything.

Believe it. That's the way it happened.

Oh, well, that's very interesting.

Don't you both feel better now that you've gotten that off your chest?

Look, here's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to take both versions, blend them together, and then just see what

comes out.

And what if we don't like it? Oh, if you don't like it, it doesn't go in the

book. I mean, isn't that fair?

No, no, no.

Yeah.

In the meantime, I'm going to take these releases and put them away with it.

Don't you worry about it. I promise.

You'll see.

It's Johnny. I was wondering if I could talk to you.

Is it important?

Kind of.

All right. Make it quick, though, will you? I've had so many interrupters.

Ethan, Dad.

I've been thinking, and I've had a couple ideas for casting of the rest of

members of the family.

Now, tell me what you think.

Sybil Shepard for Nancy.

Huh?

And Jane Fonda for Mary.

Well, what about Warren Beatty for David, huh?

Robert Young for Dr. Max?

Look, Joanie, there won't be any casting or any movie if I don't get some peace

and quiet so I can finish this book. Now, please, save your suggestions for

future time.

Oh, boy, I was just trying to help.

Joanie.

What?

Who did you have in mind for my part?

I thought Rex Harrison, maybe.

Osmond. Yeah.

Yes?

Dad, can I talk to you?

I'm busy now, Tommy. It was just out of the way till morning.

Good night.

Okay, good night, Dad.

The only problem with working at home is when you get finished, you can't go

home.

How was your day at class?

It was okay.

I've just finished reading your chapter notes on Joan.

And?

I wish I'd met her.

In a way, I guess I feel like I have.

You did a beautiful job, Tom.

Especially your description of how she looked that morning on the Yuba River.

She was the first one up.

And from our tent, I could see her cooking the breakfast on the fire

without her knowing.

Sun was coming up on the river behind her.

It's quite a picture.

Abby, does that make you jealous?

Yeah, I guess a little bit, yeah.

You have no reason to be.

Thank you.

tendencies toward being an introvert.

Notes on Chapter 5.

Tommy.

I think the most dramatic material here is clearly Tommy's early adolescent

bedwetting period.

It's got strong emotions, conflict, and compelling human interest.

Just what Bert Sklar wants.

want us to be today?

Burmese? Myra Fawcett Majors.

Right.

Do you think we should let her play me?

You know, there's one actress that you've never mentioned that would be

than anybody else you've suggested.

Maybe you never heard of her. Did you ever hear of Joni Bradford?

Oh, I thought you would never ask.

Thank you. I hate to break up this casting meeting, but I've got to go

book. Yeah, when's it going to be finished? At this rate, never.

You know, I can't believe that we have got to come out to the backyard to get

privacy. Yeah, the walls have ears in there. Yeah, they do.

When's he going to get done anyway?

I don't know, but just think, he's in there somewhere writing about the most

embarrassing situation.

You know, even Nicholas is going to get it. Well, why can't he find something

else to write about?

What am I going to get?

Um, Nicholas, remember that story about you and the elephant?

Dad's going to write about it.

Oh, no, not that story. He always tells that story. And besides, I was just

kidding, and it wasn't an elephant. And I was only five.

He thinks it's cute, Nicholas.

I don't think it's cute. I think it's dumb.

Well, Nicholas, why don't you write a book, and then you can tell your side of

the story, huh?

Yeah, I can tell about the time when Dad woke up with the ice pack on his head.

about the mess.

My secretary's on vacation.

Oh, no, that's all right. I'm sorry to drop in on you like this. I've been

trying to get you on the telephone for the last few days, but... Well, you know

how it is when your secretary leaves the office. Phone never stops ringing. I

had to take it off the hook.

Listen, Tom, I just got off the horn with a big producer down in L .A., and

very anxious to get some pages.

Very anxious.

Tom, we're sitting on a gold mine here. A real gold mine.

Oh, boy, that's wonderful.

That's what I wanted to talk to you about, Bert, the gold mine.

I could sure use some of that advance.

Oh, check's probably caught in the computer. You know how it is.

Everything's computerized these days.

When do you think I could expect it? I always was under the impression that

that's what advance meant, in advance of the writing.

Tom, Tom, you're an artist.

Just let me worry about the messy details.

That's my job.

Now you get right back to that typewriter and create. Now I'm going to

the blower right away and take care of that advance.

Now you just keep those typewriter keys humming, humming, humming.

Yes. Dad, can we talk to you? It's kind of important.

Come in.

What is this, a demonstration?

Dad,

we've all been giving some thought to the matter of the book.

And we figured that since you were having some trouble anyway, we'd try to

you some time.

So we each prepared our own little set of guidelines.

You know, what you can and cannot write about in each of the chapters.

Right. We thought we'd give you our guidelines now, and that way you won't

to waste any time writing about the wrong thing.

Right. So here's mine.

And here's mine, Dad.

I hope you don't mind, but I wrote up some guidelines on my character in the

movie, as well as my chapters in the book.

Thank you.

I wrote up the Yuba River trip, Dad, so you could get it right, and it wasn't me

who tipped over the canoe, and it was Tommy, not Nicholas, who saw the bear.

It wasn't a bear, it was a beaver.

Uh, this is all I could come up with on such short notice.

And here's mine.

Nicholas, wait a minute. What is this? It's just a lot of numbers.

Yeah, those are my approved years. You can write about one, two, three, four,

six, seven, and eight. I didn't like being five, so just leave that year out

your book.

Thanks, Dad.

Oh, boy.

I thought that one editor was bad. Now I've got eight.

Hi, Tom. What are you talking about? Them. They march into my study and they

present me with guidelines as to what I can and what I can't write about. I'd be

better off in Russia. At least in Russia, if they don't like what you

they throw you in jail and that's the end of it. This, this is slow torture.

Look what Nicholas presents me with.

A list of his approved years. In other words, I can't write about anything that

happened to Nicholas when he was five years old. He didn't like that year.

Well, nobody said it was going to be easy.

Oh, but come on. I mean, they're so sensitive. They act like I'm going to

their reputations. Well, you did promise to be open and honest about this book,

remember? They haven't even read it yet. I mean, and they're telling me what to

write about?

Tom, they have a right to a certain amount of privacy.

They signed releases.

So what are you going to do, take your children to court?

That's it.

Look, Abby, do you think that maybe I shouldn't write the book?

I can't answer that, Tom. I just think that you need to take everyone's

into consideration.

I want to write this book.

Well, then write it.

But just don't lose sight of the trees because of the forest.

actually writing about that.

It may be great for your book, but it's my life.

All I can say is, you must really want to be famous to do this to me.

Oh, Dad, here, I forgot a few corrections, but I was going to make...

there's no time for that right now. Is Tommy home from school yet?

Um, yeah, well, he thought back chopping wood for the fireplace.

Um, but Dad, I...

You had no right to listen to those tapes last night.

First of all, you invaded my privacy.

Secondly, they were in preliminary form. It's going to be different in the book.

Look, I know that you're angry, Tommy, but can't you at least give me a chance?

I mean, wait till the book is finished. I promise you'll come out in a good

light. Look at Nancy and David. I mean, they were angry. There are two sides to

that story.

How many are there to mine?

Well, you've got to hand it to him. He made his feelings known.

Yeah, he sure did.

Look, Dad, if you can write your novel without hurting the family's feelings,

fine. But if not... Well, how can I? Everybody insists on taking this all

personally. Well, it is personal.

How can I write a book and make all the incidents that my characters do perfect?

Nobody will read the book.

So nobody would read the book. So what? So what?

Well, so I'd be a failure, that's what. I mean, a man has to achieve something

in this life.

He has to be remembered for something.

Dad, you raised eight children who appear to be decent human beings. I

that's pretty memorable.

No, no, no. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the book. Why don't

you talk to Tommy? Explain to him. I mean, he's so upset he won't even talk

me. I think I'm on his side.

Face it, Dad.

As a novelist, you're a terrific father.

You're a big help.

Oh, listen.

Excuse me.

Listen, what would you do?

My children don't want me to write a book about them. You mean you really

my advice?

Yeah. What would you do?

Well, I tell you, if I was you, I'd go home and figure out the relative

importance of my commitment to maintain my own artistic integrity as against my

commitment to the nuclear family's self -concept as an interlocking network of

mutually supportive interdependencies.

Once I settle that.

My course is clear.

Aren't you?

Don't mention it.

Well, I was so worried about you. Are you all right? No, no, I'm all right. I

just want to talk to everybody.

Hi,

I'm okay. I just wanted to say something to you, to all of you.

I guess I must have walked five miles in the last couple of hours trying to sort

things out in my mind.

You all know how important writing this book is to me.

What you don't know is...

how important you all are to me.

I guess I didn't know that either until I saw the pain in my son's face.

And I realized that I was the cause of that pain because I wanted to do

something that was going to hurt him.

I wanted to write the book.

Why?

because I guess I was afraid of getting old and not having something concrete to

show for it.

All the time I was forgetting that I have something much more valuable than

men.

I have eight...

Make

that nine books.

Far more precious than anything I could write about.

So, uh... I'm still going to write that book.

But there will be a limited edition.

Twelve, to be exact.

One for each one of us, one for the Maxwells, and one for the Library of

Congress.

That's great.

Here are your releases.

We won't be needing these anymore.

Incidentally, I've decided to go back to being a father in my spare time.

The hours aren't so hot, but fringe benefits are terrific.

Thank you.

I've decided to call it Eight is Enough.

Thank you. Look at that. Thank you. Here you go.

Boy,

hard back. Eight is enough.

Wait a minute, Dad.

Dad, this is just the stuff that we gave you, just the guidelines.

Yeah.

What are you smiling about?

I'm waiting for the reviews.

What do you mean?

Here they come.

Dad! Dad, you left out a page.

Oh, good grief, Dad. You still didn't get the Yuba River trip, right? It was

Tommy, not Nicholas, who saw that beaver.

Wait a second. Wait a minute. Why is Joanie's chapter before mine?

I only got one page with numbers on it.

So sue me.