Original subtitles

Aren't those ours?

Hello, Santa Claus.

Hello yourself, laddy boy.

My name's Nicholas, just like yours.

Ain't that nice?

Hey, Mary. What? I don't think Susan's home. Her bed hasn't been slept in.

All night? She's not home? I don't know.

Come on, come on. What? What?

Didn't you go together in Alan's car?

Yes, we did.

Well, didn't they come back with you? No, they went to Midnight Mass.

Midnight Mass.

That's what I thought when she told me last night. But anybody who goes to

Midnight Mass can't be all that bad.

Well, he can be if he's going there to confess.

Well, look, we'll just call her friends. You know, maybe they decided to... I

don't know. No, I think we should stay off the phone so that they can call us.

If they wanted to call us, they would have called us. Dad, we've got to do

something. Call the police? Well, let's call the police. We've got to find her.

I knew it! I just knew it! What's the matter, Nicholas?

It's my fault.

You saw her?

No, I saw him.

Harold? No, Santa Claus. That's why I took all our stuff back.

Come on, I'll show you.

Are you kidding me? Nicholas, this is ridiculous.

You got us all... Oh, my gosh.

What's going on?

stole our presents, and Susan's been kidnapped.

I think whoever took those... We don't know the answer.

I've got it. Maybe if we put on some holiday music.

No holiday music.

I mean, why didn't he at least rip off the albums along with everything else?

Why did you let Susan go out with Harold?

Alone. I mean, he's a total stranger.

Harold's not a stranger. He's Alan's cousin. And they were not alone. They

with us.

At first.

Well, did we call Alan? Three times.

Is anyone going to eat these?

Uh -uh.

Is there any waffles left?

Oh. Here, I didn't touch mine.

Watch it. Watch it. What?

Susan,

you've been driving everybody crazy around here.

We just went up to the snow.

Yeah, see? I brought some home for you.

Oh, it's already melted.

Yeah.

We better tell Dad, you know.

Do you think he's going to be disappointed that it's melted?

Sure you don't want those?

No.

Aren't you worried or upset?

About what?

About Susan.

About what's going on around here.

Well, the insurance will pay off all the stuff, and Susan's either living it up

or sleeping it off. So watch what?

Because your sister is missing, and because it's Christmas, and because your

brother is upstairs feeling responsible.

Are you finished? No, I'm not finished.

Hey,

what's the station wagon doing on Folsom Street?

Folsom Street?

Yeah, at the end of town.

Yeah, we came down out of the mountains, and there it was.

Oh, come on!

Christmas is a renewal of humanity the time we spend thinking about Christmas

the time we spend planning it and yes planning the presents too it's all a way

of reaffirming our love for each other We honor the man who taught us to love

each other by loving and caring for each other, and the presents be damned.

We found the presents!

What? Where? We found the presents! Where? There, I saw the car. Susan is

thank God.

No, she was back. She left with Joni and Harold. Who's Harold? Her date. Oh,

yeah, Midnight Mass Harold.

Well, where'd they go? To catch a thief. What? What if they find...

Listen, Nicholas, you better stay here with Abby. How can I stay here? I'm the

only one that knows what it looks like. That's right. All right, Abby, be sure

you call the police. What will I say to them? I don't know, but you'll think of

something. I'll stay here for you. And keep her on the phone.

Please be careful.

Come back safely, okay?

Bye.

Look,

I am not chicken. I'm just tired.

And not calling the police is ridiculous. Kill us.

Chicken.

I should have trusted my instincts.

Never trust a handsome man.

I didn't think you were so handsome.

Sure he was.

You didn't see him. I did.

No, Nicholas, we were talking about Harold.

Forget it. Look, I'll explain it later, okay? At the moment, would you just hold

tight and pray for a red light?

Awesome.

There's a big yard in front of the place. Well, there's lots of yards.

Well, I know it's right near here.

Is this the right street? Yes, it's the right street.

There's a big yard in front.

There it is. There it is, right there. See where the big yard is? I told you it

was here.

Let's go. Wait. What about the police?

All they ever do is take notes.

I really think we should send somebody for the police. And you're volunteering

to go, hmm?

Well, if you insist.

Look, I'm not a chicken. It's just... Come on, let's go. Harold, we're not

alone now. Get out.

Come on, Harold.

Explain everything. Yeah, we'll discuss your episode later. Right now, we have

some business to attend to. Hey, look, look, evidence!

Evidence! There's something.

Sir, how are we going to handle this? I mean, who's going to go in there first?

Why don't you just call the police, Harold?

That's a good idea.

I'll be all ready to call them.

Oh, uh, well then, uh... Oh, uh, well, in that case, I'll just stay out here

stand guard.

That's a good idea, Harold.

expecting company. I'll just go put the kettle on. No, you won't.

What a nice surprise.

The trimming does seem a little skimpy, don't it?

favorite Christmas carol. If you heard a carol, go ahead, carol.

Yeah? Don't you remember me?

Can't say as I do, laddy boy. What is your name?

Don't tell them, Nicholas Sneakless. Oh, what a nice name.

Don't you remember?

I told you last night.

Where was that?

At our house while you were robbing it.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

I was here all last night trimming my little old tree.

Oh, if I could only find some more comic strips.

I might be able to decorate it. Yeah, sure. All right, kids, let's get this

stuff out of here. Wait a minute. What's going on here now? Hold it. Hold it

just a doggone moment, will you? You can't come into a man's castle and steal

his presents just like this. Yeah, you're absolutely right. This is my

present. Keep back. Keep back. I'm going to call the cops. They're on their way

now. Oh, they are.

Well, how about some coffee?

A little tea, perhaps?

A bourbon?

This is Christmas. Let's have some libations. Shots of Christmas for my

friend. Now, if you promise to leave peacefully, I will not report you to the

authorities. Don't worry. We will leave peacefully as soon as we gather all of

our stuff and put it in our car and you're on your way to jail.

What do you want all this stuff for anyway?

Come on. Let's just split it. Fifty -fifty.

Sixty -forty.

How come you didn't swipe my presents?

What presents?

The pictures that were all rolled up.

Were those your drawings?

They were just beautiful, sonny boy.

Come here, let me tell you something.

You know that those pictures that you made were worth more than anything here

this whole room. You know why?

Why? Because you made them.

Because presents like that are worthwhile the ones you can't buy or

they're made with love, not money.

Coming through. I wish I had the ability to make presents like that for my

grandchildren. How many grandchildren do you have?

Ten. Ten, yes.

But they don't live with me now. They live way off down San Diego way.

Oh, dear.

I just wish I could make presents like that for them.

You see, I just don't have any money, Nicholas.

And I can't make presents like you can make for them.

And I don't even have money enough to...

Buy stamps to send him a Christmas card.

You don't know how awful it is to live on Social Security these days.

Prices just keep going up and up.

Rent going up.

And that old Social Security stays just the same.

It just don't get any bigger.

But your story sure does.

Hey, cheer up.

I could use some help.

Sure. What can I do?

Well, there's this silver chalice in the far cabinet over there on the top

shelf. It's an old Bradford family tradition from what they tell me. It's

of a funny story. See, Grandpa Bradford won it in a poker game the Christmas

that he was engaged to Grandma.

And so she filled it up with wine and passed it around for everybody to take a

sip. Well, here's one of your presents the burglar didn't get.

Tommy from Mom.

Don't open till Christmas.

Did you forget about it?

Oh, well.

No, I didn't forget.

I'm his stepmother. I'm not his mother.

Oh. Well, Tommy's upstairs. Why don't you get it to him?

No, I... I think his father will want to do that.

No, no, no, no.

Oh, Dad, we can't take away his Christmas. What are you talking about?

ours. But he won't have anything to take to his grandchildren.

No way to get there, either. Could take the bus.

You'll take the police car.

Never get here.

Are we in a sense jail?

No, the police will.

Oh, Dad, what about your Christmas spirit, huh?

Mine? He's the one who went around... You can't let the police put this poor

man in jail.

Give me one good reason why not.

That would be terrible.

I didn't ask you. Elizabeth, come on. He's a thief.

He is a poor old man with nothing.

Yeah, nothing.

Nothing. Well, then he should apply someplace for help.

At Christmas.

Yeah, but he stole our presents and everything, you guys. Come on.

Okay, what if we take all our stuff back and then just forget all about it, huh?

Oh. Yeah, I mean, that way we get everything back and Sam wouldn't have to

jail.

I mean, that we just pretend it never happened.

I don't know.

I couldn't borrow your car.

No, you can't.

Good thought.

Come on, Dad, please.

I don't know. I think we'd be making a big mistake.

Oh, no. No, you wouldn't. It's exactly the right thing to do. I will help you

carry the present. Please pass me my hat.

Excuse me. Oh.

Yes. Is everything all right? I was very worried. Harold.

Yes, sir. Open the tailgate, Harold. Yes, sir. Right away.

And don't disappear. I want to ask you a few questions.

Oh, well, sir, my family is... Harold.

Yes, sir.

I don't think he likes me.

That was a hot tip, all right. Looks like a crime ring.

Better call a backup. It looks like there's about 20 of them.

All right, hold it right there.

Don't anyone move.

Keep your hands where we can see them.

Don't anyone move.

He's moving.

No, you don't understand.

Get your hands up.

No, no, but I'm the one that calls you, officer.

A woman called?

Yes, that's right. That was my wife, but then I came here, and so did they.

Your gang?

Oh, no, no, no. They're my children.

We found out where all the stuff was, and we came to get it.

Honest. How did you find the stuff? Well, because my daughter was passing

She saw the station wagon right there. Tell them.

Yes, we know who took it. But he isn't here. He's left. No, he got away.

Give me a hand here, young man.

What's this?

One of your children?

No, no, but I can explain.

I hope.

Hey, what's everybody just standing around?

Hey, Harry, doesn't that look like the kid reported missing?

Yeah.

So what we have here is kidnappers.

It's evidence.

We have to hold it. Until when?

The trial.

I'm sorry, Nancy.

Oh, boy. We can't even have our presents.

Come on, Harold.

Get up.

Oh, Sam.

Get up.

Oh, come on.

I told you. We decided not to book him, Officer Burt. We do the booking. You do

the complaining. Who's complaining?

We made an agreement. He'd give us all our stuff. Yeah, because we wouldn't

charge him. Yeah, well, that's a very nice thought, but it's out of your hands

now. Grand theft, grand theft auto, grand theft Christmas.

Foster!

Yes? Grand theft Christmas?

What's with this report?

Well, just having a little fun.

Have fun on your own time, okay?

Who's Mary?

I am.

We found this letter on the old man.

We have to keep it as evidence, but I don't know of any law that says you

read it.

What is it? I don't know.

I made this!

I made medical school!

Yes,

Nicholas, I agree with your daddy.

Santa Claus is mostly just a spirit.

Yeah, well, I was hoping he really was a Santa Claus.

I should hope that there's considerable of the old Nick in me.

Is that why you're going to take all those presents to your grandchildren?

Yeah.

Come on, old -timer, let's go.

Are you going to put him behind bars?

Yes, but it's a very nice cell.

Yeah, but remember, he has one phone call, you know. He's got to call his

lawyer. I should know. I was in jail once before.

You were?

Have to do some pretty hard time.

No television for two hours.

Can you believe that?

Oh, boy.

Just play it cool so they won't slap any more charges on you.

Oh, I said it close. Let's go.

Oh, I thought you wanted to celebrate Christmas. Come on, give me a break.

all be eating Christmas dinner while Carl stands in a gym. We're having

today. Turkey, ah, turkey.

Yeah, fresh.

Fresh. What do you think this is, the Ritz? Come on, let's go. Bye, Sam. Bye,

Sam.

Aren't you forgetting someone?

Harold.

Harold.

Come on, Harold.

Come on.

There's somebody at the door.

Maybe they'll go away.

Oh, come on, you guys.

It's Christmas.

It is?

Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Is there something wrong here?

We've been robbed.

What?

It's been a rough Christmas, Daisy.

Oh, it's been a real gas, yes.

Yeah, Sam stole all our presents and took our car.

Sam? Who's Sam?

Well, some old man with ten grandchildren in San Diego.

Oh.

You better stretch before you try and sit up.

Huh? I slept there last night.

I'm Noreen.

Oh, yeah.

We kissed. The mistletoe, remember?

So, you can't get out of this place either.

Nope. My parents are furious.

Where are they?

Monterey.

Oh, yeah?

It's a nice place, Monterey.

Yeah. My parents went to visit my grandparents up north.

I'm supposed to be with them.

You don't have any place to spend Christmas?

Only here.

Yeah.

I don't know. To tell you the truth, we spent most of Christmas in the police

station. Not exactly your traditional Christmas.

Yeah. No presents.

Well, we brought you some presents.

I baked a fruitcake.

Be quiet, Nicholas. That was very nice of you, Daisy. Thank you.

Oh, and I brought you a little something, Tom. A present for me for

Oh, my

goodness.

Just, you know, cheapest.

Oh, yes. This is, isn't that something? It's my Christmas column.

Right, boy. I want to think it's something original.

Yeah, well, that is it. It's original.

All right.

Well, I got you a present, too. Oh.

But... Yeah.

It's a jealous fan.

Yeah. Here.

I have it right here.

Merry Christmas.

What is it? Your present.

Number 1 -88 -374?

You know what it is? It's a claim check for, you know, for impounded evidence.

You can pick it up any time you want, as long as it's after February 8th.

Yeah, that's when Sam goes to court.

Oh, well, thank you. It certainly is original.

It is nothing.

I wanted to have it perma -plucked.

Well,

Daisy,

I think maybe we should... Be getting on?

Oh, yes. We have a few more stops to make.

Go ahead.

Well, Mary, uh... Oh, uh... And, uh... Thanks.

Mary. Mary.

Mary. Mary fruitcake.

Mary fruitcake. Really.

Oh, humbug.

I think it's the same kind of lash.

and feel sorry for ourselves for the rest of the day, or we can celebrate

what we've got left.

Yeah, what do we got left?

Nicholas's presents.

Oh, yes. Sam did say they were the best ones. Well, I'm sure they are, so come

on, let's open them.

It's your turn. Okay, okay.

He's in the kitchen having a snack.

Yeah, but we're going to have dinner soon.

He said he didn't want to eat dinner, that he was going over to Danny's.

Tom, wait, there's something that, uh... Listen, I

don't know what's going on in your head, but you owe this family something.

There comes a time when I don't ask, I tell.

This family has been through the wringer.

But we're trying to hold on to some part of Christmas, and right now that

consists of dinner.

So we are, all of us, going to have Christmas dinner together.

You mean I have to eat when I'm not hungry? You look pretty hungry to me.

When's dinner? In one hour. I'll be in my room.

He used to come to me every time something bothered him.

Why won't he tell me anymore? Is it because he couldn't get a date last

I don't think so.

What is it?

I found this in the chalice.

I guess Joan liked to do a Christmas shopping, didn't she?

All year long, she would keep her eyes open for a personal gift that would make

each child's Christmas special.

I remember one year, it was only two days after Christmas, that she

came home with this silver antique compact for Nancy.

And I said to her, I said, what are you going to do with that? And she said...

Just wrap it up and forget about it till Christmas.

Nancy still cherishes that compact.

I guess this year all Joan had time for was Tommy.

Must be a very special gift.

I thought you'd, um, thought you'd want to give it to him.

Considering the mood that Tommy's in, I don't know how he'd take it.

I wonder if she's at Gary's house.

Elizabeth, why don't you just let her have him, whoever the heck she is,

Where'd she go now? Is she on the phone again? Who is she?

Noreen. Last time I saw her, she was huddled with him on the screen porch.

Who's him?

Harold. Harold? Harold?

Harold?

Harold? They're gone.

Seems like it. Oh, where do you think they went?

Maybe they eloped.

David, come on. Harold and Lorraine? Why not?

They should get along pretty well together.

Come on, Susie.

Tell me the truth. Did you really care about Harold?

Yeah. I thought he was cute.

Honestly?

A bit out to lunch.

Oh, David.

What about Lorraine?

Honestly? Yeah.

She was a big headache.

Did you guys find them? Nope.

Where'd they go?

I think they ran away together.

That's two less for dinner, Dad.

Good riddance.

Yeah, I just wish we had our own armament back.

Why don't we make another one?

It wouldn't be the same.

Oh, Nicholas, I knew this family once in Pasadena. You know, that was my

hometown.

And they didn't have any money for Christmas ornaments, not even a

tree. There was a poor family in Pasadena. Hmm, there must have been an

No, no, no, let Abby finish the story.

Thank you, thank you very much.

Anyway, so this family, see, they weren't starving to death or anything

that, but they sure didn't have enough money for extras, and they wanted to

each other presents.

Well, what'd they do?

Well, they gave each other things that they didn't have to buy.

Like I did? Yeah. What kind of things?

Let me see if I can remember.

Don't. What?

Don't remember. It might be the same thing I'm thinking of.

Excuse me. Yeah.

No peeking. I'm not peeking. Aren't you finished yet?

Masterpieces take time.

Cut it out.

Look at that.

Isn't that so pretty?

Yeah, it's great. Even better than the original. I think we've come up with a

new Bradford family tradition.

Oh, what's that, son?

Sam, we don't have presents, and he don't have presents, but we're still

fun, and he's in jail.

Come on, take him away.

Wait a minute. Just as the police say that it's out of our hands, we can't get

him out. We can bail him out.

Your dressing is magnifique.

Thank you, Sam. Thank you again.

I really think that somebody should make Tommy come down here.

Mary, we can't force him to come down. We'll just send a tray up to him later.

Ready for another helping, Nicholas?

I'm not very hungry.

Guess not if you don't want thirds.

Yeah, well, I was figuring.

Can we have dessert after we open the presents?

famous physician, or quack, I hereby offer free, excellent medical service to

entire family and offspring thereof for the rest of their natural lives.

Oh, that's nice.

My turn? Me, me, me, me. Okay.

This coupon is redeemable for free tutoring in all sports from motocross to

skydiving to anyone who wants it. I do, I do!

And see, Emma, even though it doesn't say so, it includes you, too.

Oh, no, thanks. My sporting days are over.

I think I'll stick to station wagon.

No.

Okay, it's my turn.

Hey, Tony.

You've been looking... My bikini! I have been looking all over for this. She

blamed me for this one. Yeah.

Well, that's my Christmas present to everyone. I'm returning everything I

borrowed.

Yeah, you too, Sam.

You all read it off the card, out loud. Now,

this is what I would give you

all if I could.

Starting on my far right.

Okay.

A month -long honeymoon in Europe with Tom.

Oh, I like that. Now, here's mine.

A month -long honeymoon in Europe.

A complete album of Christmas music.

Thanks a lot.

They grow on you, though. Yes, they do. Thank you, Jody.

Officer Foster on a silver platter?

Well, I'm going to have a date with him tomorrow, so who knows?

Ah, very intelligent.

A Greek god not named Harold.

Mansion.

Big enough for all my grandchildren.

And Christmas all year long.

Oh, I love mine. My own telephone with three separate lines and a secretary.

I know.

That's probably for a little bit.

Why don't you let your secretary answer it for you?

That woman is never around when I need her.

Hey, you do this.

You do this.

to be the oldest kid in the family for one whole day.

One.

Mine is a Greek goddess not named Noreen.

That's all right. She's not your type anyway.

Well, there's just Tommy's left. Should I read that? Yeah, you do it.

Well, a date with Wendy Springer.

Oh. It's your turn, David.

To my family, I promise never to be in debt enough.

so that I have to move in on you.

But my door is always open if you ever have to move in on me.

It's for you.

Who is it?

Noreen. Oh, Colette. That girl costs me money even when she's not around.

Noreen, where are you?

Where? Monterey.

Well, how'd you get there?

Harold's got his mother's car. Harold.

Yeah, how's Harold?

They're in love.

Hey, that's terrific, Noreen. Really terrific.

You know, good luck.

Wait, let me talk to Harold.

Hi. Yeah, there's something you ought to know.

She gets headaches.

No,

I haven't given you my gift yet.

Oh, Sam, you don't have to give us anything.

There's something that I'd like to give to all of you.

Oh, you gave it to yourself for this crazy Christmas. That's enough.

I mean it. I really do.

The gift I want to give to all of you is just to get out of your lives.

Oh, you don't mean that.

That's right.

I'd give anything to be able to go down to San Diego way to see my

grandchildren.

Sam. I wouldn't have to take them any presents, you know, but I just haven't

the money to get them.

How much is the car fare to San Diego?

Bus fare.

There's one born every minute.

Oh, Daddy, thank you. Merry Christmas, Nicholas, and ho, ho, ho.

Don't forget to show up in court on the fifth of the month. And, David, don't

you drive him any further than the bus depot. Oh, Dad.

David, you have to stop and buy me a six -pack.

Merry, merry.

I'll get it. Oh, listen, if that's what's the name again, nobody's home.

Yeah. Hello?

Yeah, hold on just a minute.

Elizabeth, you sure could use that secretary, you know.

Hello?

He did?

She did?

They did.

Hey, thanks for letting me know. Goodbye.

Did what?

Well, Gary told her that he liked me, and she got mad, and she left with her

mother. Merry Christmas.

Yeah, Merry Christmas.

I win.

Oh, no.

Hey, you're getting too good for me.

Hey, we ate all the popcorn.

Well, let's make some more.

No butter.

Yeah, butter, lots of butter.

Okay, I wish you could help me. Why don't you get some salt? Okay.

It's from your mother.

Hey, Tommy, everybody's downstairs trying to make themselves a Christmas,

well, we need all the help we can get.

Hey, you know, it's been a lousy holiday for all of us, but we, well, we can't

stop trying to make it work.

Hey, you know, we were downstairs really miserable, too, and, well, we got this

terrific idea, and maybe if you'd come downstairs...

What's wrong?

Look, I'm not trying to mother you or anything.

That's it, isn't it?

That your mother's not here for Christmas?

Please get out of my room.

No one can take her place, but if there's anything I can do...

You can get out.

He wouldn't come out of his room.

Not even for dinner.

After I demanded.

Tom, he couldn't.

He just couldn't. I mean, don't you see, this house was so full of Christmas and

everything. I mean, in spite of the theft, Tommy just had to block it all

Wouldn't that make him feel even worse?

See, I think this is the reason that he can't deal with Christmas.

Obviously, it's because Joan isn't here.

So maybe...

Maybe if we could just have her here, even if it was just for a moment or so.

Come on, Tommy. You can give it a chance, okay?

He wants to go with you.

I'm going to Danny's.

Tommy, wait.

Well, how come Santa didn't steal it?

It was hidden away in the kitchen.

That's clever.

Tommy, please take it.

Read the card.

It's from Mom.

It's a book.

E .E. Cummings.

It was Mom's favorite.

My dearest Tommy.

It is not unmanly to be sensitive.

Be happy that you are.

It makes you even more than a man.

It makes you a human being.

Merry Christmas.

I love you.

It's okay.

Don't cry.