Original subtitles

What's demonstrating?

Huh? Dad said you and Mary used to get arrested in school for demonstrating.

Oh, hey, here. Earn while you learn. You see, Nicholas, when you believe in

something strongly and you want somebody to do something about it, you

demonstrate. Oh, well, what do you do? You pick it, you march, you sit in.

Sit in?

Yeah. That's when you occupy a place and you don't move until you get what you

want. Oh, well, what about Nancy?

Nancy? Yeah, she's demonstrating in the bathroom. Nancy's demonstrating in the

bathroom? Yeah, she's been there over half an hour, and Susan's sitting there

banging on the door.

No, see, that's not demonstrating, Nicholas. That's called shampooing.

What's the matter?

Boy, for a big brother, you sure don't explain things very well.

Why, you... I never... Where is the bell?

Okay, okay, now, troops, the only way to conquer this job is teamwork. Now, if

everybody pitches in and pulls his or her own weight, the unpleasantness will

soon be behind us.

There'll be no gold -bricking allowed.

Wait a second, let me get this straight.

Our house is a mess.

A well -known fact.

And we want to hire a maid.

Immediately, if not sooner. So first we clean up the mess, and then we hire a

maid? You got it, and on your first try, too. That was great, fantastic,

terrific, Elizabeth.

What is the maid going to do when she gets here? Mess the place up again? No,

Elizabeth, what we're trying to do is to put our cleanest foot forward to make a

good impression.

But, Abby, she's going to think she's in a house full of sanitation workers.

Oh, no, only until she gets to know us.

Now, we've all got our assignments. Are there any questions?

Yes, the little lady in the blue blouse. Speak up. Yes.

What are you in charge of? Oh, I'm glad you asked that. I'm in charge of

inspections.

Okay, troops, now aren't... yourselves. The battle of the century awaits.

Hello.

Abby, I've done something horrible. I just got a call from an out -of -town

visitor, Richard Connery.

His father, Pete, is my most beloved drinking companion.

Well, what's so horrible about that?

Well, if you're talking about Pete and my drinking, I always got the hangovers.

But if you're talking about his son...

You know what I did? I invited him over to the house for drinks without

consulting you first.

Oh, don't worry about that. The first drink's for free, but if he wants a

refill, he's going to have to pitch it on the cleaning detail.

Oh, I'll warn him.

I love you. I love you.

Bye.

What's your problem?

This house is disgusting. There's green stuff all around the tub.

Yeah.

There's green stuff all over the sandwich Nicholas stashed in the

too. Yuck.

I'm just not cut out for this work.

I would do anything, anything to get out of it.

Yeah?

How much?

What? How much would it be worth to you, in cash, not to do the bathroom?

What are you suggesting, little brother?

A step into my office, big sister.

until you look under their bed.

What'd you find?

Underneath your bed is a pile of

prehistoric cigarette butts.

It was just a phase?

Hey! Well, how are you guys? I mean, if it doesn't hurt, you're probably not

doing it right.

of the degenerate, immoral, inhuman thing that has moved into this very

neighborhood? What, porno movies?

We got rid of them once, and now they're moving right back in on us again. Oh,

not porno movies, darn. We have got to get organized today, right now, before

goes any further. This has got to be stopped. Mary, what are you so steamed

about?

That! That's right here. That's it.

You've got to get organized. This entire family has got to get organized now. We

already are organized. You've got the screen porch. No, no, Susan. I'm not

talking about housecleaning. I am talking about... Here it comes.

I'm talking about morality.

Are you sure you're not talking about porno movies?

Oh, I'm glad that you're all here. I would like you to hear this.

Academic credit.

Leadership. Development.

Challenges. Executive experience.

And earn $500 while you do it.

What's the catch?

Hard work?

Can we clean while we get?

The catch is, it's the United States military.

The Pentagon war machine, it's back.

The ROTC has returned to our campuses.

Oh, where have you been, Mary? They've had an office at the gym for a long time

now, you know.

Yeah, they even have a flagpole.

That's cute.

That's just horrific. You mean you guys have known about this and you don't

care? Mary, do you know how long ago that ROTC stuff was?

It's ancient history.

I don't even remember what was on TV then.

Well, you don't think change, don't you?

Mary,

it's only the Reserve Officers Training Corps. I mean, don't you think you're

getting a little carried away?

No, I don't think I'm getting carried away. Not at all.

We're talking about the military -industrial complex sneaking right back

our campuses.

I mean, they're putting our guys in uniform. They're putting guns in their

hands. Abby, it's Vietnam all over again.

Okay, a truce, everybody. Now, those of you who are cleaning, could you get back

to your cleaning? And those of you who are not cleaning, could you go pick up

Nicholas? He had to stay after school.

Nicholas? Yeah.

Abby, how do you feel about this, huh?

Like a U .N. observer.

Mary, Nicholas is waiting. Nicholas is waiting.

Nicholas is waiting. Nicholas is waiting.

Apple's away.

The principal really laid into you, huh, Nicholas?

Yeah, Maloney's the one that starts the fight, and I'm the one she keeps an hour

late after everyone else has gone home.

Everybody hasn't gone home. Maloney's still here with some of his buddies.

Yeah? Yeah.

That way.

Well, lucky for him, I'm going this way.

Where's Bradford?

Bradford who?

Nicholas, by your sister.

I tell you, Pete's son Richard could really give our kids a lesson or two.

I mean, he treats his father so well, with so much respect.

He even laughs at his jokes.

They get along so well, it's hard to believe they're related.

You know, well, some people like quality and others like quantity.

Yeah, I guess you can't have both.

Tom, I was teasing. You've got quality, too.

Oh, that's probably Richard. Now you'll see what I mean when you meet him. He's

really terrific.

Wait, wait. Thomas, wait for me.

Daddy's here.

Hi, come on in.

I'm Mary. Hi, Richard Connery. Hi.

Richard! Oh, boy, it's nice to see you again. It's been a long time. This is my

wife, Abby. Richard, you've already met Mary?

Oh, this guy caused me more trouble as a kid, huh?

How about a drink?

All right. Oh, good.

Oh, Richard, this is some of the family.

Susan and Joni. I'm Joni. I'm Connery.

Wouldn't you know it, we're out of ice. Here, girls, go get some ice for

Richard. Listen to you, I want to hear all about it. How's that?

Hey, Nancy.

Yes, Elizabeth.

Why is Dad making such a big deal over this Richard Connery guy?

Oh, I don't know. Me.

Me too.

You know, I'm getting awfully tired of this house cleaning thing Abby's gotten

us into.

I've already broken two fingernails washing the windows.

Maybe you should talk to Tommy.

Tommy's patching fingernails? No, he's washing windows.

Hmm, that's a change.

Did you use your fingers? You've only got two ice cubes in here so far. Come

Okay, but don't tell anybody.

I wouldn't.

Are you sure you won't stay for dinner, Richard?

How about another drink?

Oh, okay. Good. But easier, please. I'm my father's son, not my father.

I really can't stay, Mary, but thanks.

So, when did you get into town?

Oh, I wish you hadn't asked that.

I got strict orders from the old man to call Tom the moment I got in.

But the work's been kind of hectic, you know. What kind of work do you do?

Music? Sports?

Tommy, you're looking at a guy with no rhythm and semi -flat feet.

Actually, I'm regular Army, a captain.

His father was a brigadier general.

An Army captain in Sacramento?

Was Sacramento at war or something?

No, but if it was, we'd be ready.

I mean, it's more image -making than war -making.

I'm setting up the new recruiting office at the university.

Excuse me.

Do I have a ring around the collar or something?

No, just a little family joke.

Yeah, honey, I'm not laughing.

See, Richard, Mary is still carrying a grudge against the military on campus.

Oh.

Well, in that case, I'm glad I didn't come over in uniform.

Yeah.

Listen, I'd be in the Army myself, but I have a physical disability.

What, Dad?

No guts.

Hey,

I heard a good one about the Army the other day. Oh, you never hear good ones.

Tom, maybe if you ask her to come down for dinner.

No, I doubt it. Mary has never been one to let food interfere with her political

convictions. And I'm not one to let her rudeness interfere with my food. End of

conversation. Would you pass the string beans, please?

I love them.

Nicholas, you're not eating.

I'm not hungry.

Oh? Are you having a sympathetic hunger strike for Mary?

Or are you celebrating your heroics at school today? I heard all about it.

He started it. Of course. In the history of fights, there's never been one

started by the guy you're talking to.

Yeah, well, see, there's this big jerk called Maloney and... Oh, please,

Nicholas, spare us the gory details.

And if he is big and a jerk, there's even more reason that you should back

Yeah, well, what if he does?

Well, then he'd look sort of silly standing there fighting with himself.

Hi, everybody.

Is there anything left?

Oh, yeah, there's plenty.

Oh, good, because I'm really hungry.

I worked up an appetite hauling all that stuff back to the dump.

We're giving them an awful lot of business.

I think they're thinking of renaming it the Bradford Memorial something or

other.

Is it my imagination or is it awfully quiet around here?

No, it's awfully quiet around here.

That's what I thought. What's wrong?

Certain members of this family are declaring war on the ROTC.

And some big jerk named Maloney.

You missed a couple.

Oh, I'll get back to them.

A big job?

Yes. From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs.

Karl Marx.

I didn't know we were communists.

Oh, we're not.

Only when we're cleaning.

Oh, speaking of cleaning, I've got a proposition for you.

Shoot. Well, I think I'm in the position to take your cleaning jobs off your

hands for a slight consideration.

Ahem.

Close the door.

How slight?

Five bucks.

That's slight?

To each according to his ability.

Oh, you're wrong.

Oh, listen, Tommy, could you do something for me?

I am doing something. I'm cleaning your study.

Yeah, but this is not actually for me. It's really for Nicholas.

He already owes me 50 cents.

Oh, Tom, when are you going to learn that everything around here is not on a

cash basis?

I mean, this is in the interest of peace and harmony, not to mention the

orthopedic bill. Now, here's what I want you to do. Tomorrow, go to Nicholas'

school and walk him home from school.

You mean like a bodyguard?

Yeah, sort of. I mean, don't make it look obvious. Just make it look like,

just happened to drop by.

I got you.

Good. You know, uh...

You better make that $7 .50.

Boy, it's so quiet around here. It's spooky.

Yeah.

Won't laugh, though.

Dad's dinner will be digested pretty soon, and then... I just wish they'd get

over with.

It's like waiting for a thunderstorm to hit.

Yeah. Find a seat and use it.

Stop hyperventilating!

Uh -oh, I think I just heard the first raindrop!

I'm not hyperventilating. I'm steaming.

Dad, why do you always get so bent out of shape over trivial things?

Oh, trivial, huh? Since when is being rude to a guest in my house qualify as

being trivial?

Some guest?

Dad, an army captain. I mean, I can't believe this whole thing.

That gross, wretched Pentagon War machine sneaks right back into the

Why don't you just confine yourself to the subject that we were talking about?

If you don't remember, it was being rude to a guest in this house.

I'm not talking about etiquette. We're talking about morality.

Oh, come off it with that morality. Those people are doing what you're

them to do. That's right, Mary. You, the wretched, gross voter, the taxpayer.

You know something? You're beginning to sound like a typical tool of the media.

Isn't that amazing?

You know what I am? I am a tool of the media.

The Sacramento Register, to be precise.

Who do you think pays the bills around here?

Hush money. That's it. Hush money. Hush money. It's a conspiracy, and you don't

even see it.

Okay, look, if you have an opinion that you want to express, and I've never

known you not to have one, I'll tell you what I want you to do. Go and dump it

on my co -conspirator's desk.

Yeah, why not?

I mean, if you really think that the ROTC is destroying civilization the way

and I know it, well, then why yell at me?

I mean, give it to the editors and yell at everybody.

When you'll just see that it's printed, right?

Oh, no, no, no. You'll see that it's printed by making it lucid, concise,

and to the point.

And double -spaced on one side of the paper.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for Richard Connery. Oh, sure. Just a minute. Thank you.

McTatham?

There's somebody here to see you.

Hey, Mary.

Hi. How you doing? Fine, how are you?

You're looking good today.

You're a little out of context, aren't you?

Boy, am I out of context.

Well, I don't know.

We're taking women these days. I mean, we're an equal opportunity employer.

Oh. Well, I appreciate the offer, Richard, but killing is not exactly my

expertise.

Oh, I see.

Well, what if we started you out as a secretary and you kind of work your way

to killing?

Can't type.

That's too bad.

There's a serious shortage of killers with secretarial skills.

You're a comedian.

Listen, Richard, I came here to apologize to you for my rudeness last

Last night? Oh, oh, your dramatic exit.

You see, I seem to have this thing about the military.

Yeah, a lot of people seem to these days.

We're not terribly loved.

Well, I just want you to know that it wasn't anything personal.

And I'm sorry.

Apology accepted.

Good.

I wrote a letter to the register last night, and I think that maybe if you

it, you'll understand.

Okay. Sure.

Good. See you.

Bye. Bye -bye.

Why do I have this feeling I've just been served a subpoena?

Oh, boy.

Here we go again, Joe.

The people of this country do not want to be reminded of what institutions like

the ROTC stand for.

Just what is it they stand for?

They stand for Vietnam with all its political gaps. And so forth. Skip to

end of that paragraph.

You've read it?

Yes, our editor was good enough to leave a copy in my box this morning.

Is he going to run it?

The evening edition.

Apparently there's some new kind of family equal time policy on this paper.

She really comes on strong.

She always has.

Listen, when is the copy deadline for the evening edition?

An hour and a half.

You're going to reply?

Well, equal time.

Yeah, what about yesterday's column of saving the Redwoods? They'll have to

it on their own some other time.

Okay. It's your home life.

And it's also my column. Scram.

Yes sir.

What's going on?

What are you doing here?

Well, I'm on a scavenger hunt. I tell you what, why don't you walk me home?

What for?

Because I'm lonely.

Let's go.

So where'd you go?

We went to the pelican. The pelican? It's here. It's here.

What's here? What's here? My letter. My letter. Listen to this. Big deal, Mary.

Yeah, you read it to us three times already. Come on. Will you be quiet for

minute?

I don't believe this. They left out the whole paragraph about Johnson and Nixon.

Hey, are you an indignant reader? Yes, I am. Well, look, you made Dad's column

today. He didn't. He did. He didn't. Look, he used Thoreau against you.

Thoreau? Thoreau's on our side.

Thoreau went to jail rather than be taxed for the Mexican War. Where is it?

There it is right there.

It was Thoreau himself.

the blessed inventor of civil disobedience, who said, if man does not

with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer.

Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.

Boy, you talk about quoting somebody out of context, huh? Indignant reader, all

right. Indignant?

No, I'm not indignant. Not at all. I'm furious. That's what I am. I'm furious.

can't believe this.

She's so cute when she's mad.

Furious? With me?

I would say that's a pretty fair description.

The funny thing is that before she read your column, she was in a very mellow

mood. Oh, how did that happen?

Oh, it seems that she dropped by the ROTC office on campus to apologize to

Richard for her behavior last night.

Well, at least she's recovered her manners, if not her judgment.

She seems to be quite taken with him.

Huh?

Mary taken with a tool of the military?

Yep. Uh -uh.

They're as far apart as Archie Bunker and Meathead. Or Tracy and Hepburn. Hey,

did you know that they fought all the time, too?

Well, all I know is that she said that he was sharp as a tack, had a sense of

humor, and accepted her apology quite graciously.

Does she know he's coming to dinner?

Yeah. And she said she was looking forward to it.

Coming! Here I am.

Hey, Richard. How are you? How you doing? Nice to see you. Come on in.

brought a little something for dinner.

Oh, that was nice of you. Yeah, a peace offering. Very nice. I appreciate it.

Oh, and listen, don't worry about Mary.

She's completely over now. She promises to be on her best behavior.

Come on in the living room. I'll make you a drink.

Oh, that's too bad.

What's too bad? Oh, you mean about Mary?

Yeah, I was kind of looking forward to tonight's maneuvers.

Maneuvers? You know, that's quite a daughter you got there.

Right. Sharp, lots of class, character.

You know, I like feisty women. They turn me on.

They, uh, turn you on?

It's just a matter of speaking.

Hey, come on, you guys, company.

But why not ask Dad?

Nicholas, Dad is strictly nonviolent.

He'll give you all that business about sitting down and talking it over.

Yeah, but we already did.

And Melody said he's going to punch my lights out.

Well, that's why you ought to talk to Richard. He's a pro. They teach you that

stuff in the Army. Yeah, but that's airplanes and tanks and things.

Nicholas, have you ever heard of hand -to -hand combat?

You know, karate, kung fu, the martial arts?

They really teach you that stuff in the Army?

Yeah, it's like in the old movies.

Audie Murphy wiping out a whole German machine gun nest with his bare hands.

Pow! Pow!

Pow! All right. All right.

Save it for after dinner, killer.

Tommy! Nicholas!

Dinner!

Okay, Nicholas, why don't you go on downstairs?

I got some stuff to do.

A cleaning lady?

Una dama de cleaning?

Oh, this is the answering service.

From 7 to 5, Monday through Friday.

Gracias.

So there we were. Your father and me on leave in Seoul.

Anyway, we wind up in this little joint.

Your father and I are sitting there, and all of a sudden we feel that there's a

true redneck grunt.

And the doctor gives us the business.

I look at your father. Your father looks at me. We know right away that if we

want to get out of there alive, we better make a run for it.

So your father runs to the bar, and he tosses me a bottle of rice wine.

And I take it like a triple threat back, and I toss it as if it were a grenade

right at the grunts. With that, the two of us hit the door, run out, and we run

right into... Six military policemen.

American, Australian, and Turkish.

And the provost marshal at theater headquarters.

Isn't there anyone that I haven't told that story to?

Not around here.

Anyway, Richard, did your father ever tell you at the time that we were in

Melbourne? This is a fantastic story, and it's true. Tom, I'm sure Richard's

heard them all.

Well, most of them, anyway.

Except the way I heard it, the third MP was British, not Turkish.

Oh, no, definitely not. He was Turkish. He was 6 '4", 225 pounds, and he had a

big, thick, black mustache.

He was Turkish.

Oh, uh, Mary, I read your letter to the editor, and, um...

I respect the strength of your convictions.

But you don't agree with them, right?

Well, now, what would I be doing in this monkey suit if I thought that a

standing army was obsolete?

The uniform's not the problem.

It's the use of taxpayers' money to support the recruiting of young,

impressionable minds.

They make it sound so exotic and romantic.

Join the army. See the world.

Oh, yes, yes. It's very romantic.

So far, I've seen small parts of New Jersey, Arkansas, and Northern

But that's just it. It's a rip -off.

Well, tell me this.

What's the difference between the Army and a major corporation recruiting on

campuses? Not much, but at least they're not tax -supported.

No, not directly, but we end up paying higher consumer costs.

Look, Richard, nobody has to buy a car or a computer, but we all have to pay

income tax.

Try stiffing Uncle Sam.

Nancy, are you kidding? You call that rinse? Oh, you're a pervert. Come on,

at this. Oh, this one looks fun. Here you go.

The boys are entertaining Richard. Lucky Richard.

So where's your father?

Well, he's on a long -distance phone call, and Mary's upstairs.

Yeah, reapplying her eyelashes.

You mean putting lead in her boxing gloves? Did you see those two go at it?

Yeah, I know. You know, I haven't seen Mary so worked up about a guy since

Do you remember what happened with Doug? They hated each other so much, they

moved in together. Yeah.

Come on, you guys, you don't really think she digs him, do you? Oh, sure she

does. Mary only likes guys she hates. But an army captain?

I mean, she practically called him a fascist. The lady doth protest too much,

think.

As you like it, act three, scene three. Hamlet, act three, scene two.

What do you say we start gossiping and finish the dishes?

Methinks we might. I think we better.

Tell you the truth, Nicholas, they kind of frown on guys punching each other out

in the army.

They throw you in the brig for that.

Well, Richard, what Nicholas means is the hand -to -hand combat stuff. You

judo, karate, things like that.

Yeah, if you could teach me some of that, I'd really be able to get it on

Maloney.

Well, what do you need?

He's a pretty big guy.

Do you want him laid up in the hospital for a few weeks, or just maybe break an

arm or a leg?

Gee, I don't really know about that.

Hey, well, what's the use in warming up if you don't intend to pitch?

Do they really teach you how to break arms and legs in the Army?

That's right.

Give you $200.

Yeah, but we try very hard not to let it come in handy.

I mean, busting up people and killing them is something we don't relate to.

Well, then what's the Army for?

Well, what's the fire department for?

I mean, you keep it around, you spend a lot of money on it. With any kind of

luck, it's for nothing.

Yeah, but what about all those guys on TV fighting at night?

Nobody's in the Army for the purpose of dying, Nicholas.

Or even for fighting when common sense says don't.

See, if you're up against an army that's bigger than you or has you outnumbered,

you back up and split.

Commonly known as strategic withdrawal or retreat.

One of our best soldiers was a guy named George Washington, and retreat was his

best move.

Really? Absolutely.

So, still interested in learning how to break arms and legs?

I think you tell good Army jokes.

Well, I want to tell my colleagues. We don't want to hear your jokes. You can

learn from my colleagues.

I hate to break all this up, but I've got to go. Oh, no.

Don't go, Richard. It's early.

Well, I've got to punch in at 0800.

You've got to keep the taxpayers happy, huh, Mayor?

Well, I'll see Richard out.

Bye, Richard.

Hey, see you later.

Don't make it so long. Bye, Richard. Good to see you again.

Bye. Bye -bye.

Oh, I don't believe it. She let him get in the last shot without a comeback.

Looks like she's slowing down in her old age, huh?

Yeah, maybe she really digs him, huh?

I want to thank you, Richard.

For what?

Well, for maybe straightening Nicholas out a little bit.

You were very impressive in there.

Some of it's got to sink in.

Well, frankly, I don't think Nicholas is the violent type.

Listen, I haven't been very fair to you.

Vietnam wasn't your fault.

What is this, another apology?

No, not really.

It's just something that... that I want to say for me, and you can listen if you

want to listen.

Okay, go ahead.

There was this guy in high school, and his name was Dennis.

Big... big lug of a guy, you know?

But sweet.

Wouldn't hurt a fly.

I mean, the war was over, Richard, and we were pulling out, but Dennis didn't

make it.

For months after that, I couldn't get his face out of my mind. Every time I

closed my eyes, I saw that sweet dumb face.

Listen, lots of people lost someone over there.

But Dennis wasn't a somebody yet, Richard. He was 18.

I mean, he didn't have the chance to grow up to be a man to fall in love. He

never had that chance.

I understand. I understand.

I mean, my best friend was killed in the Maya Guez incident two years after

Dennis.

I know what you're saying.

Okay.

Get to bed, Nicholas.

I'm coming up there in five minutes, and if you're not...

I feel like I haven't slept all week. Who was upstairs making all the noise

night? Your father. He said he couldn't sleep, but he didn't say why.

So how are you doing?

All right.

You know, that's the problem with insomnia in this house. When one has it,

all suffer.

That's true.

What are you doing? I thought you and Susan had this job in the kitchen.

So did I, but you know, it is the strangest thing. Every time I ask how

housecleaning's coming, I get answers like, fine, great, no problem, you know,

but I never see any results.

Hey,

Tommy, how's your end of the housecleaning coming?

Oh, fine, great, no problem. I've got an appointment before school.

Do you see what I mean? I mean, it is totally frustrating. It's driving me

crazy. I don't know what I'm going to do. So, Elizabeth, um...

How is the bathroom cleaning coming?

Fine, great. No problem, miss, and I got to get ready for school. Goodbye.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Vicente, le podemos mandar la persona que usted guste.

Está bien.

Buenos días.

Me llamo Tommy Bradford.

¿Cómo está usted?

¿Cómo está usted?

¿Cómo estamos usted?

I could have swore that was a second -person plural indicative.

I believe it was a third -person plural indicative.

I was educated in your country.

Oh. Are you interested in domestic service?

Sí. I mean... I mean, yes.

Good. Why don't you sit down and fill out an application?

Oh, you can fill it out in English.

Yeah, that'd be muy superoso.

Abby!

Abby!

Tom, you're home early. What's wrong? What's wrong? Are you coming down with

something? No, no, I'm not coming down with anything. I can't hold it in any

longer. I'm very upset. Have you noticed what's going on between Richard and

Mary?

Yes, what goes on between Mary and most people freaks me out. No, no, no.

They're having some kind of a thing.

crazy. I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy at all.

Look, I'm a trained observer, and I've seen it. That's why I was up last night.

I caught them in an unguarded moment, and it looked very deep and thoughtful

tender. There are at least two deep, thoughtful, and tender ones going on

every day of the week.

No, no. This looked like it could lead to a meaningful relationship.

Not that I have anything against Richard, mind you. I like him. I always

It's just that Mary doesn't realize what this could lead to, the complications,

the hassles.

What are you really worried about?

Me, I guess.

Abby, I don't know. I try to think of myself as an understanding liberal man

the 1970s, but I don't know. I mean, it's not like we're living in the Union

South Africa. What is it, Abby? Am I a bigot?

No, no, you're not.

Tom, really, sincerely, I don't see what the problem is.

The problem is we're not intellectualizing at a cocktail party.

The problem is this is a real -life situation.

The problem is in front of the house.

You are a stubborn and bullheaded man. Mary, your opinions are intelligent,

lucid, and well -intentioned. They also happen to differ radically from my own.

Okay, okay, look.

You've got a duty to do as you see it, and I've got a duty too, and I'm warning

you that I'm going to fight your ROTC with everything I've got.

Well, as they say, all's fair in love and war.

Enemies?

Enemies.

Tom, why don't you just ask Mary about her real -life situation?

Come

here.

What are you doing here? Are you sick? No, no, I'm not sick. I was worried

you. I noticed that Richard drove you home.

Yeah, well, I guess you could say we kind of work at the same place, you

Yeah. Look, I don't want you getting into this thing over your head. This

with Richard, I mean.

Really? Why not?

Because, well, you're not aware of what this thing is. I mean, things are not

always as simple as you make them, Mary.

Simple? Dad, this thing is just about as simple as you can get.

Look, aren't you the one who always said stick by what you believe in?

Besides believing, maybe you should do a little thinking from time to time.

I don't want you to get hurt. Now just stop and think about the ramifications.

Ramifications?

Dad, is it me you're worried about, or you?

Or maybe your relationship with Richard's father, or what?

I mean... I mean, I... I don't know what I mean.

Okay.

When you do, maybe that would be a better time to talk about it, huh?

Hi, champ. How you doing?

Oh, okay, I guess.

What are you doing around here?

Oh, I figured I'd cruise by.

I had an extra banana.

Figured you might like it. Sure.

A lot of teachers out here. When do they eat?

Oh, when nobody's fighting.

You know, Nicholas, it's a funny thing about bullies.

They're most dangerous when there's a big crowd around so that they can show

off. But you get a bully alone and...

They're usually not much interested in mixing things up.

Yeah? Yeah.

Now, I'm not telling you to go out and get in a fight or anything.

Fighting never solves any problems.

Yeah, that's what Dad always says.

He's right.

You know what Dad also told me when I was about your age?

When all else fails, cover your head and leave with your left.

Hey, David, thanks for the banana.

Anytime, champ.

Anybody home?

Hey, Tom, how you doing? All right, okay.

It's a nice place you have here.

Yeah, thanks, thanks. You want some coffee or something? No, no, thanks,

I was having a talk with Mary, and I...

Poor guy.

I had one with him myself this morning.

Listen, I tell you, Richard, I'm very concerned about you and her.

Well, we've known each other long enough to talk straight to each other.

This thing is something that just happens.

It's nobody's fault. I mean, Mary's a fine person. She's a warm person with

instincts.

I'm sure she's a joy to all her friends.

Look, we don't have to analyze it. No, no, we do. We do, Tom.

What I'm trying to say is Mary is not required to be a joy to everybody.

The fact that she rubs some people the wrong way, well, that's no reflection on

her or on you or on me, for that matter. I don't follow you.

Well, Mary's strong -willed. I mean, she's stubborn. She's probably the most

opinionated woman I've ever met.

Suddenly I get the feeling that you don't like her very much.

Well, this is a free country, Tom. I mean, nobody has to like anybody.

what I'm hearing.

Hey, I'm just being upfront, Tom.

I mean, actually, I don't dislike her. I mean, I'm just tired of not getting

along with her.

I hope this doesn't affect our relationship.

Oh, but it does.

But not the way you imagine.

I... It's incredible.

Why don't we get together tonight and have dinner and then we can talk about

some more. How about it? Well, I'd like to, but I can't.

Got a previous at Berkeley.

You've always got a previous at Berkeley. What has Berkeley got?

Her name's Vicki.

Marvelous, huh?

When she gets her master's, we're announcing our engagement.

Congratulations.

Has your father met her yet?

No, but he's crazy about her.

Why?

Well, you know how it is with these old -fashioned liberals.

Want me to keep you company?

No.

Sometimes a guy's got to do things all by himself.

You guys go down.

What you waiting for, Bradford? A bus?

I'm waiting for you. It's just you.

And for all.

Punch him out.

Oh, I see.

Well, listen, two things.

One, don't take all afternoon getting home.

And two?

Two, stop pushing people around, all right?

He's going to say something exciting.

You see, this thing has gone on long enough. Now, I really want to know

what's going on here, and I will not take. Fine, great, no problem for an

answer. So, would someone, would you all please tell me, why is this house still

a mess?

Knowing that we Bradfords traditionally take the easy way out, I figured I would

give each of you a chance to buy his or her way out of their cleaning

assignment. And let me say, you have all lived up to my expectations.

That's perfect, Connie. That's great. But see, that doesn't get the house

and that means that we don't get a maid.

Ah, yes, yes, but we do. We do.

You see, I managed to collect $30, $20 of which we will take to buy a maid for

the initial cleanup.

After that, we're home free.

What about the extra $10?

Well, hey, a guy's got to make a profit somewhere. I mean, I thought up this

brilliant scheme.

I might have known.

Hey, okay, okay, that's her, that's her. Nobody be nervous, okay? Come in.

Everybody be normal.

Come in.

Buenos dias.

Buenos dias.

Juanita. Come in.

Everybody, I want you to meet Juanita.

Juanita, mi familia.

Su familia.

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, seis.

Siete. Siete en una casa.

You forgot me.

Ocho.

Imposible.

Deben estar locos.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Come back.

I'll give you a bonus.

She split.

All that work and all that time, she splits on me. Tommy, you've got dos

choices. Uno, you can keep the money and clean the entire house yourself. Are

you kidding?

Or those you can hire back your brothers and sisters.

Well, guys, I tried.

And it looks like we are going to end up cleaning the house ourselves.

Uh, $4. I wouldn't do the bathroom for less than $5. But you only gave me $4.

So I've got to make a profit somehow.

Uh, $6 .50, please.

Yeah, $12 at least. Come on. Just kidding.

A hundred dollars? I think I'm going bankrupt.

Okay, then just give me a twenty.

Do you think we'll ever get this house cleaned?

Oh, yes. I mean, Rome wasn't cleaned in a day.

Oh, I see you're being comical.

So how's the study coming?

Well, I'm working on it.

No, really, cleaning is like writing. You have to get into it. So when are you

going to get into it? I'm not into it yet. Hey, Dad, what's for dinner?

Potluck. Hey, listen, do you think I can spend the night at Maloney's?

Tomorrow's not a school day.

Maloney? The bully?

Why would you want to do that?

Well, two things.

One, he asked me. And?

And two, they're having spare ribs.

Oh, no, spare ribs. He always says that wrong. It drives me crazy. I always say

spare ribs. How do you say it? Spare...

Give him a scare.