Original subtitles

Come in.

Mary, can I talk to you a second?

If it's for a quick second, Nicholas, I'm studying for midterms.

Well, at school tomorrow, everybody's supposed to get shots and tutelading

against the measles.

Tutelading against the measles.

Nicholas, do you mean inoculating?

Inoculate. Inoculate. Okay.

Uh, I'm glad to hear that you're getting inoculated against the measles because

measles are a bummer.

Yeah, well, I was wondering, you know, why I couldn't wait till you were a

doctor so then you can give me the shot.

Well, I appreciate the business, Nicholas, but I'm a long way from

doctor. Well, I don't even start med school till next September.

Then there's internship, residency, and my specialty.

How long is all that gonna take?

Hmm.

About seven years.

Seven years?

I can wait.

Oh, hi, Dad.

Nicholas, how many times do I have to tell you not to leave these in the

driveway? I'm sorry, Dad.

Hey, what are you doing, champ?

Tommy's going to fix my bike.

Oh, yeah?

Boy, you look serious.

What seems to be the problem?

My allowance. I need a new bike.

Oh, well, we'll discuss finances later.

Right now, I want you all to come in the house because I have an announcement to

make that I think you're going to find very interesting.

What is it, Dad? Tell me. No, no, no, no, I'm going to tell all of you

Come on

What's

going on is something wrong No, no, let's just wait till everybody gathers.

is it, a kitchen thing or a dining room thing?

Oh, no, no, this is a real big good thing. This is a dining room thing.

You're getting us another car.

No, Elizabeth, you're going to build us a pool. I knew you'd give in. Yeah,

that's what you're going to do. I heard the battle cry. What's up?

Dad changed his mind about the pool. No, no, no, let's just wait till everybody

gets here, all right?

Mary, Susan!

Come on, Dad, what is it, a car or a pool?

A pool.

Yeah, Dad has a very important announcement to make. Yeah, well, can't

I've got to get ready for a date.

Oh, really? Well, you just tell your young man to wait a few moments for your

old man while he has a little self -indulgence. Now, everybody, into the

room, because this is good news. I can join the swim team now. Very exciting.

Yeah, well, I hope it's important. You know, we're studying for midterm. What

it? What's going on here anyway, huh? You all lobbying for bigger allowances

something like that?

Everybody's here now, Tom. Okay, very good. All right, are you ready? Ready.

There is a celebrity amongst us.

Elizabeth, you got busted again, haven't you?

No, no, no. I was referring to me.

You got busted?

No, I didn't get busted. Will you stop interrupting and let me talk? This is

very important.

This is bigger than a pool, bigger than a car. Now, you are going to meet

somebody very, very important. Now, wait right there. Very important.

Okay, wait. Don't go. Don't go. Wait.

Is there someone in there?

Ta -da!

important person. Me.

No, really, the California Press Club, that venerable institution of newsmen

from the old school of journalism, have awarded my humble column for public

service and excellence.

You hear that? Your father, the man who you love and adore and abuse so

fervently, is about to win their version of the Pulitzer Prize, the coveted

altruistic award.

That's great.

That's bigger than a pool?

me, Dad.

See? He understands.

What's allorilistic?

Allorilistic? Altruistic, Nicholas, and it means doing good for others.

Congratulations.

Yeah, something like giving people a pool.

You mean like in the Cub Scout manual?

Sort of.

Do you get a merit badge?

Well, yes.

At my age, it's a merit badge, only they call it prestige. And guess what?

That's not all. The best part of it is... Oh, Abby, will you hear this? I am

going to receive the award here. They are taking me up to downtown San

Francisco. I've made all the arrangements, and we are going to... You

That's right, and I've made all the arrangements, and everything is going to

happen. Oh, doesn't seem to be too much for us in Dad's big news. Yeah, I'd like

to go to San Francisco. Hooray. I would have settled for a pool.

I would have settled for a merit badge.

You must be higher than a kite.

Yeah, well, who would have guessed that all this time I was being tagged for

greatness? Oh, I would have guessed. You got me, didn't you? Yeah, I got you.

And that makes me feel higher than a kite.

Excuse me.

I'm not interrupting you, am I? No.

Good.

Dad, I just had an idea about something.

Yeah, well, it better be a good one, considering your timing. Well, you know

you're always trying to get us to plan ahead, to be prepared, you know, like

shopping early for Christmas or saving for a rainy day?

Anytime anybody quotes me to me, I can tell that I'm being set up.

Dad, this isn't a set up. This is good sense.

Since I'm probably going to be going to med school in San Francisco this fall,

it makes good sense to me to go there now. You know, to...

Get the feel of the place.

Check out apartments and stuff. Right, Abby?

I don't think so. I mean, I think it makes much more sense to stay home here

take care of the stuff around here.

It's a good try.

I'll get you next time, though.

Oh, you handled that very well.

Experience. Well, I've always said you were a man of experience.

Anne Boleyn.

We had our first dress rehearsal, you know, and I think my tear -stained

are stained permanently. Well, how'd it go? What happened?

Oh, it was okay, I guess.

Just... Well, here's the deal. See, I think I'm doing fine, Abby, right up

the end, you know, where Anne Boleyn has to walk up the guillotine and hand the

silver coin to the executioner.

And she says... Well, here, show it to me. Go ahead.

May your aim be swift and true.

Oh, bravo, bravo, Judy. That was great.

No, no, it's close, but it's good. No encores, I think.

Oh, Abby, this is the last word, you know, that this girl's ever going to say

her whole life. And it's just not... It's not full enough, you know? Of

course, I don't want to push it or anything. It's just... I don't know, I'm

stuck.

You know, if I could just see a real professional and how she handled that

part, I know I could do a better performance.

Yeah, oh, yeah, that'd be great. Yeah.

Do you know there is a major production of this very same play in San Francisco

right now?

Oh, I see your problem. I do.

You do? Oh, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

And the solution, you see, is very simple.

See... When you make that lonely walk to the gallows, you should think of

something really traumatic, like being stuck at home this weekend while your

father and I go to San Francisco.

Oh, yeah.

You really understand a lot more than you let on. Well, I'll say this, I'll

this. If your performance on stage is half as good as it was here today,

be dynamite.

Dino might.

Oh, yeah, it takes a lot.

Hump.

Hump? I want to go to San Francisco.

You'll see.

I'll think of something.

I bet you will.

Dad, can we talk to you for a minute?

Oh, yeah, sure. Come on in, fellas.

All right, what's the problem, men?

Are your sisters picking on you again?

Yeah, but we fix them up. We put a frog in the bath.

Unmistakably a sign of war.

Uh, Dad, you know how I like boats and stuff, right?

Uh, no, as a matter of fact. I mean, it sounds harmless enough.

What about you, Nicholas? Are you interested in boats, too?

Nah, just frogs and the 49ers and the subway cars and... Anyway, we

thought since you weren't giving us a pool, maybe you'd take us to San

with you, just to see boats and stuff.

Yeah, and ride the subway and walk across the big bridges.

And miss a day of school?

No. This is a business trip. I'm sorry. But next time, you'll definitely be with

me. Don't be angry now. I mean it.

Just cruising through.

How's your speech developing?

Oh, I tell you, it's a real migraine.

Yeah?

Maybe it's because your desk is such a mess here.

Listen, if you think that's messy, you should see what it's like up here.

You know, it's funny to you, but, you know, I am a writer, not a public

The press club is going to think they've given this war to some illiterate

carnival bargain. Well, that's okay, because, see, by the time they figure

out, it'll be too late to take it back.

Do you mind?

Thanks a lot.

Come on, Tom.

This is going to be the best speech those old folkies ever heard. Well,

not the best. The best.

The best.

Hi.

I'm home.

So is he.

Any calls?

Why don't you check the bulletin board? And there is the mail for you on the

porch. Mail?

Dad,

listen, about San Francisco... Absolutely not.

I figured you'd say that.

Don't let me interrupt you.

Bye.

Absolutely not. What do you mean, absolutely not? Have you given any real

thought to the idea?

Why? No has always been the safest answer. Oh, come on. The trip together,

to know them a lot better. Listen, take it from somebody who does know them a

lot better. You don't want to know them better. Oh, Tom, they're your family.

They're not the enemy.

That's what you think.

You know...

I was looking forward to us being alone.

You really want them to come don't you?

We're going to stay, but we'll do it. Hey, Mary, did you hear? Did you hear

father's taking us to San Francisco?

There's no reason to go.

I just got turned down by med school.

What?

You know, it says here that you've been placed on the waiting list. Yeah, number

32, which might as well be 32 million.

Look, Abby, I know somebody who was number five last year, and they're still

waiting.

Look, Mary, I know how important it seems right now, but it's not the end of

world, and this isn't the only med school in the world either. Well, it

to be the only one that I applied to.

So apply to others.

Better yet, why don't I take a correspondence course?

You're not being very fair to yourself.

Fair?

Abby, don't talk to me about being fair.

Look... Ever since I got interested in medicine, I have known exactly what I

wanted.

I didn't apply to another med school because I was so certain I'd get in.

In the end, all we do is do what we want, right?

Not all the way.

You know, Mary, sometimes life can be very disappointing, but it's in those

times that it's our obligation to toughen up, you know? Abby, please. Can

be... Yeah.

Hey, don't forget to pack warm clothes for San Francisco, okay?

Right.

Did you have any better luck with her than I did? No, no, I didn't. You know

what the real problem is? Mary has always been like the brains of the

and she's not used to failure.

I tell you right now, I would give anything to get her in there. In that

would you mind if I contacted an old friend?

Huh? Why would I mind?

Well, maybe because he and I were very close.

Oh.

How close is close?

Very close.

We go back a long way.

Yeah, sure.

You must have been very close if you kept track of each other since the good

days. Tom, nobody's kept track of anybody.

Look, his name is Ted Kellogg, and he just happens to be the dean of

to Mary's med school.

I just know that if he knew that Mary were a close friend of mine, he would

to it that she was reconsidered.

Why not take advantage of an old friend, huh?

Well, yeah, I guess since we're going to be in San Francisco anyway, why not

look old Teddy boy up, go and have a drink with him?

Talk about the good old days, like one close friend to another.

You're jealous.

Yes, I am a little jealous. I didn't know... Oh, it only shows with the green

around your gills.

Tom, it's for Mary's sake.

Look, I'd have no interest in seeing him again.

You're my only close friend now.

But if Ted can assist Mary in this, I mean, we'd be foolish not to try, right?

Yeah, I guess you're right.

All right, then, for Mary's sake, I'll get the jealousy out of sight.

If not, out of mind.

Are you going to mention this to Mary?

Oh, no, no. Let's don't get our hopes up yet.

Yeah. Listen, Abby, just how close were you in this darn war? If you don't want

to know the answer, don't ask the question. Well, I don't want to know the

answer. Oh.

Go. Get out of here.

Is anybody else home? Am I alone in this big house?

Oh, hiya. How was work? Oh, good. Got your things organized, huh? Oh, yeah.

without some resistance, though.

Elizabeth insists on packing enough for a three -month vacation in Nicholas'

house. It's not fair. It's not fair, Dad.

Would it be fair for me to ask exactly what isn't fair? Oh, yeah. I can't go to

San Francisco. And you know why? Because the psychology test I have tomorrow and

the professor insists that I take it or get a nap. Oh, boy, that guy. I just

can't stand him. Oh, he's actually nice, Johnny. Always nice. He's always

smiling, but I know him. Oh, God, he's got schizophrenic tendencies and he's

paranoid. That's it.

Right. I'm sure that right now, while you're talking, this very minute, he's

talking behind your back. Yes.

God, that guy.

Oh,

she's right, you know, Dad. She's really counting on this trip.

I know. Poor Susan.

Well, maybe we can fix it up.

Yes. One ticket, one way to San Francisco.

Mm -hmm. Flight 327, 7 .15, Saturday morning. Thank you.

All right.

Susan's ticket will be waiting for her at the gate. Oh, Dad, sometimes you're

really out of sight.

I only wish all problems could be solved that easily. I'm going to tell Susan,

okay? No, no, no, no.

Don't tell her yet.

Let her suffer a little. It builds character.

Huh?

I think her character is built by now. You can tell her.

David,

my boy, look what I have for you.

Thanks. You know what's an amazing thing?

Since you moved out of the house, I think we see you twice as much as we

to. Yeah, we get along twice as much, too.

One of life's little ironies.

Could you do me a favor?

Could you drive Susan to the airport on Saturday morning? She can't go to San

Francisco with us on Friday.

You mean I don't get to go to San Francisco like everyone else?

No. I mean, yes, if you want to. It's just that I thought that you had

given up on family outings.

Not all family outings.

Actually, I was kind of looking forward to going on this one.

But as you can see, I have a big date this weekend.

Yes, so I noticed.

I tell you what, then. Why don't you and your date stay around here?

Keep an eye on the house while we are gone, and maybe I could spring for a

corsage. Oh, thanks. I think she'd like that.

Very good.

Oh.

You've got a window. Oh, no, no, no. I've got a window. Oh, I know. Just

down. Everybody, you can take turns sitting next to the window. Did

to the bathroom? We're not going to make any pit stops.

Everybody in. Okay.

Okay,

everybody, let's work together. Nicholas, what have you got in the box?

Prince Charles.

Prince Charles.

Oh, it's a frog.

No frogs in San Francisco. Come on. Put it in the house like I said.

I don't believe this family.

Nicholas! Will you get off there?

And just stay with your sisters, please. I can't keep an eye on you and get a

room, too. Harvey, come on. Keep an eye on them, will you, please?

Excuse me, please. I was here first. I'll be one second. May I help you? Yes.

Bradford, I have a reservation.

Oh, yes. Mr. Bradford.

I'll have a bellhop bring your luggage.

Oh, listen, I'm not too good at mathematics, but could you possibly tell

two keys can get eight people into three rooms?

That must be a mistake.

Undoubtedly. Well, our records show that you changed your original reservation

of one room to two rooms. Correction.

I add it to my one room with two extra rooms.

Now, obviously, this is a mistake on the part of the hotel, so I'm very sure

that you'll be happy to fix it for me. I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Bradford, but

there are several conventions in town this weekend.

We have three staying in this hotel. The entire city is overbooked, and these

men are waiting for rooms.

I've been waiting for three hours.

Please, make up your mind. Take them or leave them.

Dad, I've got to make a pizza.

The town is loaded with conventions, but I got us two little rooms on the other

side of town and a little hotel called the Golden Eagle.

Now, look, you and I will take the boys over there and let Mary stay here and

look after the girls.

I don't know,

Tom. I don't think Mary can handle the job in her present mood.

Besides, the girls don't listen to her anyway.

I think I'd better stay here with the girls.

What happened to you and me alone in San Francisco?

We'll be together most of the time.

Besides, you'll have a little peace and quiet.

I bet it's a really beautiful hotel.

Old -fashioned type of hotel.

Yeah, we.

And they look like they think we're in here.

coming around in that room. Things?

What kind of things, Nicholas?

Uh, Dad, those things.

Oh, I hate those things. When I turned on the light, they all ran under the

I'm sorry, Nicholas, but don't worry.

We're bigger than they are.

Yeah, but we're not numbers.

I'm sorry about this, fellas.

It's a real mess.

Oh, that's okay, Dad.

We'll sleep with the lights on.

Beautiful. Yeah. Wow, this is great.

Hey, Abby, Rich is fun. Let's do this more often.

Rich is fun. Let's do this more often. Where's Elizabeth?

Elizabeth is probably patrolling the lobby looking for available men, don't

think? Yeah.

Have you girls finished unpacking? Uh -huh. Yeah, but Mary hasn't.

She's not very interested in talking with us. No? No.

Hey, I think you guys should give Mary some space. You know what I mean? I

she's got a lot on her mind.

Sure, okay. Yeah.

Yeah, she's real upset about that med school thing. Yeah, I know. She's not

talking to anybody.

Hi, Dad.

Is it that bad?

It's worse. The boys are downstairs now trying to buy insecticide.

No, come on. It's got to be better than sleeping in the streets.

Don't jump to conclusions.

I can drop the kids off on my way to see that friend we discussed.

What about me?

What about me?

What about you?

I want to go see the 49ers and ride the subway. You promised.

All right. The 49ers first and then the subway, okay? Is it a deal?

Have fun. Bye -bye. Come on. We're going to have a great day.

Does everyone have money? Yeah, we have plenty. We'll be fine. Okay, good. Look,

have a good time. I'll pick you up at 6 o 'clock as soon as I finish at the

hairdresser's. Here, right? Right here. Okay, now do not... forget the buddy

system, alright? Everyone, please, please stick together, okay? Yeah, sure,

sure, don't get lost.

He said we could ride someone.

Well, that was before the labor dispute, son.

What's a labor dispute?

Oh, well, you see, that's when people refuse to do what they're supposed to do

until they get paid more money.

Gee, when I tried that, I got grounded.

Oh. Well, listen, don't worry. We'll see more of San Francisco on the bus

anyway. The important thing to remember is always know, don't panic, know where

you are, and know exactly where you're going at all times. I know where I am.

Hotel, okay?

You

look

absolutely wonderful.

Don't you mean I'm absolutely older?

As I have always said, fine wine and fine women ripen with age.

Oh, no, no. I remember that you always used to say, um, a beer, a blonde, and a

B average, and you'd die a happy man.

My past comes back to haunt me.

How's Evelyn?

Did she ever open that art gallery she wanted to?

Yes. Uh, for a while. She didn't stay with it very long.

She never stayed with anything very long. Uh, we haven't seen each other for

some time.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that.

Nothing to be sorry about.

Divorces happen in the best of families.

To some of us, they even happen more than once.

You've just got to keep trying until you get it right.

What about you and Frank? Did you ever get together?

Yeah.

In fact, one year together turned into nine more as a widow.

Oh.

Nine years is a long time.

Yeah.

Well, since we're both presently unattached, how about a little dinner

We've got a lot of catching up to do.

Oh, Ted, I'd really love to, but see, the thing is...

I'm reattached.

Recently, as a matter of fact. His name is Tom Bradford.

Oh. Well, congratulations.

Thank you. In fact, I'm here about my new family.

Mary Bradford?

Yes, she's the eldest daughter. In fact, she has seven brothers and sisters.

You married into a family with eight children?

Yeah.

Well, you always did do everything in a big way, didn't you?

Are

we

here? What? Like, almost.

Where are we? Come on, don't ask so many questions.

Now, let's see. If we take bus 6 and get a transfer to bus 15 and then take bus

7 uptown.

Why don't we just quit and take a taxi?

No, no. Your father doesn't know the meaning of the word quit.

Or are we supposed to take bus 10 uptown?

I don't know. What?

Come on, Dad.

Here's our bus.

No, no. Let's get our bearings first.

Here's our bus.

Really ask somebody.

Nicholas, wait!

Nicholas!

We're so worried about you. I've looked everywhere.

A hundred miles, bus routes, every bus, every bus stop. I cannot find him.

Eighty -six million dollars a year the city spends, and they don't have a lost

and found.

I've lost Nicholas. Tom, please. Yes, the operator. Get me the police right

away. Tom, take a deep breath. If you'll just let me explain. No, no, no, I

can't. I can't. I can't listen. Hello? Tom. Yes, please. It wasn't my fault.

Yes, I want to report a missing child. He's eight years old. He's about this

high. No, he's this high. He has a red and blue striped shirt. Oh, no, here he

is. I'm sorry. Cancel that.

Dad, what are you doing?

Tommy, Tommy, what happened? You should be so proud of how he found his way back

here. Here, sit down. Your feet must be killing you. No, no, it's not my feet

that's killing me. It's my children.

Slowly, painfully, without mercy.

Dad, when are we going to have dinner?

Are you sure you don't want to go with me and the kids today?

Oh, gosh, I'd ruin it for everybody, I tell you. After today's maneuvers, my

mind and my body need a good night's rest.

Okay, but, uh... Be ready for tomorrow, because you and I are going to have the

time of our lives.

I promise.

That's the deal.

The day is all ours. What would you like to do?

Oh, everything.

As you wish, my lady.

Everything and more.

Hey, we better get back to our respective hotels, huh? Oh, I guess

I still have to give my acceptance speech a final polish.

Hey, don't take it so seriously.

Most people never listen to speeches anyway.

Hey, you really know how to massage a guy's ego.

Hey, Mary.

I didn't know you were home.

Yeah, I just got here, Abby.

Listen, I don't have to go to this awards thing tonight, do I?

Oh, no, no. I mean, I'm sure you've heard your dad speak a hundred times

already, right?

Right. Thanks. However, when you hear my good news, you might just change your

mind. Well, there's an excellent chance that you might get to go to the medical

school of your choice next fall.

Abby, we've been through this, okay? I didn't make it.

It's over and past.

No, it's not over and past, you see, because I spoke to the dean of

of the med school, and he said... You didn't do that.

Yes, I did, because he's this old and dear friend of mine. And when I told him

who you were, he said he was sure that he could... I don't believe what I'm

hearing, Abby. Maybe I'm dreaming, Harl. A nightmare. I don't understand. And

you, you were a part in this, weren't you? What? What is she talking about? I

was just telling her my good news about Ted Kellogg, and she... Abby, what is so

good about you interfering in my life? I can't believe you'd do this, especially

without asking me.

Oh, I see. Before I go out of my way to help you, I'm supposed to come to you

and beg your permission. Is that it? Yes, and you don't have my permission,

I don't need your help.

I don't get it. Abby, I can't find my speech. Well, what did we do wrong?

Abby, do you understand what I'm saying? My speech is gone. It's vanished. Never

mind this girl talk. This is more important. I can't find the speech.

Oh, please, Mary, feelings will keep. The important crisis is I have to make

this speech in less than two hours. For days I've been working on this lousy

thing. I don't even know the first line.

It was bad enough standing up there alone in front of all those gray -haired

with their blue -haired wives. But now, all I would have had to do was stammer

through a neatly typed speech that was all written out for me. But now,

extemporaneously... Extemporaneously.

Extemporaneously. I can't even say extemporaneously. In front of all those

people, I am going to be the laughingstock of... the press club.

Tom, relax. Really, I'm sure it's around here someplace.

I know. I bet one of the kids knows where it is or knows where you left it.

That's right. The kids, you're right. Nancy, Elizabeth, come, come. Where are

they? Where are they? No, they're not here. They're all gone. They're

all over San Francisco. Oh, no. Whatever happened to the buddy system?

Relax, relax. I have their itineraries. Look at this right here.

Now,

see, Susan said something about showing Nicholas the sites, but don't worry

about them. She promised to be back early, and that just leaves, uh, Joanie.

who was going to some matinee on Pacific Street. That's right.

And Elizabeth was going to the war.

Nancy planned a day of shopping.

Did I forget anyone?

Tommy. Tommy said, oh, he said something about visiting a museum on Broadway.

Among a few non -repeatable tidbits, Mary indicates she knows nothing about

Dad's speech.

I can't even believe this whole bum trip. I could have died when Dad drove

and started honking like a crazy man. At least he didn't yank you out of the

theater in the middle of the third act. Who wants a stupid speech anyway?

Well, I looked everywhere and I can't find it. Well, does anyone have any

brilliant ideas?

Yeah, why don't we tell Dad to quit blaming us for his carelessness?

Yeah, here, here.

Look, nobody's blaming anyone.

All right. Who has my speech?

No one is blaming everyone.

Look, my speech is not at the hotel, so it's got to be here.

Tom, look, we have looked everywhere, I promise you, and we can't find it. I'm

sorry. Dad, what did we tell you? We don't have it. You see, Abby, none of

would have happened if we came here alone.

Oh, Dad, come on. We haven't done anything wrong.

She's right. All we did was try to have a little bit of fun. Jeez, it's my first

day here.

You've been treating this all like private... It's in an army. Why do you

act like a platoon leader? Yeah, Daddy, you haven't been very fair.

You know, how am I supposed to act? How do you suppose I'm supposed to get nine

people and 14 pieces of luggage, an automobile and a frog, from point A to

B without somebody being a platoon leader?

Personally, I think I did a very good job under the circumstances.

Daddy, you're being impossible.

What? That's a nice thing to say. What do you think, I'm incapable of having a

good time? Huh?

Do you think that I'm some kind of a rotten sport?

That remark is as inconsiderate as Mary, who doesn't even have the common

decency to say thank you to me. Hey, wait a minute, Dad. Wait a minute. I

to Mary about that med school thing, and I don't blame her for being upset. I

mean, you guys didn't have any right to go behind her back like that and then

ask that dean for special treatment. You're absolutely correct, Joanie.

Parents have no rights, only responsibilities.

So what about our responsibilities to ourselves?

Boy, oh boy, I can see by the look on all your faces that you're not very

with the job I'm doing as the father, are you?

All right, help yourselves, huh?

Do it all by yourself.

All right, then you're on your own, because as of right now, I'm a free

That's right.

Effective immediately, I resign as the father. I quit.

Dad, come on. If you don't mean that, how are we going to get along?

That's not my job, ma 'am. You understand? I'm not going to tell you.

vote amongst yourselves democratically. I'm sure that'll keep you busy for a

long while.

Yeah, and who's going to pay?

It's not my job to tell you. However, I can suggest that you ask Elizabeth.

She brought her own money here.

It's not my job, remember? I'm not involved.

I quit.

Your dad's quit.

I suppose you're going to tell me that this whole dumb thing is my fault and I

shouldn't have been so ungrateful. No, no, as a matter of fact, I was coming in

here to tell you that I don't think you can take sole credit for your father's

temporary insanity.

Look, Abby, I want you to tell your old and dear friend to get off my case,

okay?

Okay. Anything you say.

I just thought you wanted to go.

More than anything I've ever wanted.

But not that way.

Don't you see that?

That if I get in because you pulled strings, I'll never know if I could have

done it on my own.

Is that more important to you than going to a particular school?

Very much.

Mary, let me just explain to you why I did what I did, okay?

When I saw how crushed you were, well, I knew Tom couldn't do anything, so I

felt I had to do something, you know?

Well... To help you both out at the same time, and I guess to prove

myself, too.

Abby, that was very nice.

But you and Dad aren't always going to be around to patch things up.

I've got to start doing that on my own.

And if I can't make it doing this, well, then I'll just have to try something

else.

Look, I'm sorry I didn't talk to you first.

And I guess I just have to learn how to, you know, stand back and let you handle

things on your own.

Yeah, well, don't stand back too far. I might need your help someday.

When you do, just ask, okay? Like I'm asking right now. See, your father's

to be back any minute, and I'm not dressed, and I've got to get out of

Listen, you don't have to prove yourself to me, Abby.

Okay? Let's go. Okay.

Oh, there you are. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I just had to get ready. I just had a

talk with Mary. No, no, I don't want to talk about it. It's not my job anymore.

Tom, please stop grinding this out.

No, no, we'll talk about it later. Right now I need silence. I have to think

about my acceptance speech. Okay.

Don't worry, honey. Everything's going to be okay. Just loosen up, okay?

And at a time like this, one is tempted to dwell on the names of former

giants of journalism upon whom we have bestowed these awards in previous years.

Now, since we have a number of awards, why don't we start with the award for...

editorial cartoon.

And from Los Angeles, Miss Wilma Blair.

Don't worry.

Sir, hi. We're here at the press club. Sorry, this is a private affair.

Well, I know, but we're invited.

I'll have to see your invitations.

Well, our father has invitations, and he's right inside. No one gets in

an invitation.

Well, it was a nice try.

I think we ought to just go home, put on our grubbies, and goof off. No, come

on, you guys. You know, this is Dad's big chance in the limelight. We've got

be there.

Really, I think the least that we can do is share it with him.

Even if he doesn't deserve it? Yes.

Well, we could storm the gates. No, that only works at rock concerts.

Yeah, but there's something else that works at rock concerts.

What? Follow me. I've got an idea. Come on. And now,

our major award.

For outstanding journalistic excellence and for superior public service, this

year's special altruistic award goes to the Sacramento Register columnist, Mr.

Thomas Bradford.

Excuse

me, sir.

Hi. I was walking outside your building, and I found this money sitting on the

steps, and I thought maybe you'd know who it belonged to or something. I asked

all kinds of people walking out there, but they just didn't seem to know who it

was, and it was directly to you. Do you think you could deliver it to the proper

party?

Thank you very much.

Let me begin by saying that...

Sorry, excuse me.

I want to thank you very much for this wonderful award.

Since you members of the press club have chosen me to be your altruistic

person, I feel that it is my...

My responsibility to warn you that altruism isn't

all that it's cracked up to be.

The dictionary says that altruism is an unselfish concern

for others. That's very incomplete.

What the dictionary neglects to mention is that extending

a helping hand...

guarantees you only one thing bruised fingers from the from

the thankless foot of humanity and I come to you man with bruised fingers

I I know you're thinking that that's some kind of

blasphemy

but I promise you that I'm only speaking from

Harsh experience.

Doing things for others has definite drawbacks.

Help, especially the unsolicited kind, it usually is

ignored or abused or turned on you.

You're called a barinsky or a busybody or even

worse,

A platoon leader.

It's not exactly the kind of reward that an altruistic person might expect, but

it's the one that you're likely to get.

Except sometimes, I guess you do get a reward.

It's not something tangible, like public recognition or plaques or something you

can take to the bank.

It's more like, well, like the...

reward of seeing someone that you've helped begin to help themselves

or watching them become a better person or an independent person.

Yes, I think it's the independence that makes the difference.

When a person tells you that your help is no longer needed or wanted,

you shouldn't tune out.

When they say that they can make it on their own, You shouldn't stand in the

way.

It's not always easy, but you have to sort of stand back and hope that

they'll be all right, that maybe they'll even go out and help somebody else.

And I guess that's the real reward.

I guess that's what altruism is all about.

And take it from a man with bruised fingers.

You can never quit.

Wait, how did you kids get in? Oh, Elizabeth bribed the man at the door.

Elizabeth, you shouldn't have.

Why not? Dad said he had my own money.

Well, Dad, what are we going to do now? You're the platoon leader. I don't know

exactly. Anything you want, I guess.

I want a soda and some bugs for my frog.

Okay. All right. You got it, son.

Uh -oh. Let me get some money. I think I just... Oh, no. I don't believe this.

You don't know what I did.

My speech.

I wouldn't forget it until I went and forgot it. Oh, well, it wasn't much good

anyway. I think it was overwritten.

All right, platoon, let's go.

Do we still have to order the same thing?

No, everyone gets what he or she wants tonight.

Okay, let's go.

Oh, hold it, everybody.

Now I've got to make a pit stop.