Original subtitles

Elizabeth, want to play softball? I don't feel much like it right now,

What's the matter?

Well, Friday night's the class dance, and I don't have anybody to go with.

Why don't you go by yourself?

Without a date? Are you kidding? I couldn't do that.

All right. Are you going to ask?

Nicholas, I don't ask. I have to wait to be asked.

Okay. How long are you going to wait?

With my luck, forever. Lately, I can't even get arrested.

You mean you have to get arrested just to get a date?

No, no.

You see, getting arrested, well, it's a figure of speech, you know, like... Boy,

if you have to get arrested just to get a date, I'd rather be a bachelor.

Oh, rats.

Elizabeth. I'm helping Mary.

I'm helping with the other end. I don't think you're tall enough to reach,

Nicholas, but thanks anyway.

Testing. One, two, three. Testing. Tommy, can you give me a hand, please?

I can't. I'm testing. One, two, three. Elizabeth.

Ready for some more.

I'm helping Mary.

Testing. One, two, three. Testing.

Okay.

Nicholas, I think you're a little too small for this kind of work.

Hi, guys. Hi, Judy.

What's that?

This is the ceremonial urn.

See, Nicholas, tonight Dad's going to take the mortgage, which after 25 years

all paid up, and he's going to place it in the urn.

And then he will ignite it, and the house will be ours, free and clear.

Yeah, but what's that?

Well, it's all a walk.

A Chinese frog pen.

Doesn't have any butter.

Nicholas! I'm helping Jody!

And then Elizabeth, who must have been all of three at the time, came walking

along the beach carrying a crab.

She walked over to Tom, who's lying there stretched out, and the son says,

Daddy. Drops the crab right in his stuffed celery.

By the way, where is the lord of the manor? Stuffing celery.

Oh, God.

Look what I have, everybody. Little happy -happies for you all.

Tom, Abby, I want you to meet Hank. This is the boss I've been complaining

about.

Hi, hi.

Oh, hi, David.

Hi. I'm sorry I'm late. I got hung up.

You know how it is. When you work behind a desk, you can't always leave when the

whistle blows.

Thank you, thank you. I knew you'd understand.

All right, let's get this show on the road, okay?

Now, you ready? Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Bradford Mortgage Burning

Party.

For the past 25 long years, on the first of every month,

we have made our little, should I say little, our big mortgage payment to the

bank. And now, ladies and gentlemen, after 25 long, hard years, this place,

as it is,

is finally and completely ours!

And to celebrate this very festive occasion, we have brought to you direct

upstairs that wonderful little Tommy Bradford and his big brother David

singing for you a little song, a little ditty.

that should be very appropriate for the occasion.

Take it away, Tommy and David!

Well,

this here is a song about a house and the people that came there to live.

When Tom and Joan found the little old barn of a place All kinds of windows and

lots of empty space A big backyard and a roof That leaked like a still

Joan says this is the place for us and Tommy the fella to put up a fuss, but he

says, honey, I got one little doubt.

Though it's good to have some spares, what are we going to do with all them

rooms upstairs?

But Joan just smiles and says, we'll work something out.

So it's four and a half.

© BF -WATCH TV 2021

©

BF -WATCH TV 2021

And now, for the moment we've all been waiting for.

May we have the mortgage, please?

Nicholas!

Now! Now!

Now, ladies and gentlemen, as you see, we have here the 25 -year

-old mortgage.

I want you to watch closely as I put the mortgage into the silver plate.

We then take a match thusly, and you are going to be amazed at what happens.

Seriously, I remember the first time that Joan and I ever saw this house.

We were sitting in the car right out front, and we just sat in the car, and

stared at the house.

It needed a paint job, and there was much more money than we could afford.

But somehow...

Gosh, I don't know how we did it, but we did scrape up the down payment. And we

got it painted. I mean, it took a full summer of weekends.

And by August 1st, it was half green and half white.

But then, alas, the plumbing backed up.

$600 worth and three weeks of hard work at eating off paper plates.

What?

It's 25 years later now, and the house still needs a little painting,

and the plumbing still isn't terrific, but it's ours.

It would be so nice if...

Congratulations, Tom. It's all yours.

Have I

told you how lovely you

look tonight?

Thanks, Matt.

Oh, David, the song was so good.

The song?

That was a verbal history.

It was kind of like the Bradford version of Roots, huh?

You gotta hear this.

Merle Haggard's calling.

It's no big thing. I just think you and Tommy should consider singing at the

Spectrum.

Spectrum? No, wait, that's the big time. People like Roy Clark and Bonnie Raitt

play there. Every Monday night, the Spectrum has a hoot night. Anybody that

wants to can get up and perform.

You'd be surprised at the talent that's been discovered there.

Are you really serious?

The owner's a good buddy of mine. Just pick a Monday night. Let me know.

You're on.

Let me know.

Hey.

Hey, you don't think we could... What if... We could get some exposure?

Maybe cut an album.

Make a lot of bread.

Groupies. A lot of bread.

Lots of groupies.

Any calls?

Did you find it? I think maybe.

Take a look at this measurement along the south wall.

See what they did?

They drew it as one length, but they listed it as another.

Son of a gun.

Geez, I'm glad you caught that.

You know, that could have cost a lot of money.

Hey, any news on the test?

No.

Nervous? I breezed right through it. Piece of cake.

Oh, you're a better man than me, my boy.

I studied for that thing for three solid months. I was a wreck waiting for the

results. Yeah, remember.

It was just before Emily had her first kid, you know. And I was working out at

Crescent Junction.

And one day, one of the guys comes running out. He says, hey, Ben. He says,

Emily just had a baby.

I said, that's nice.

But ain't news about my contractor's license.

Wait a minute. I think it's the mailman. I'll be right back.

Hey, Tommy, take it easy on the door. We own the place now. David's dropped out

of the act.

He did what?

He said he wasn't going to get up on stage and make a fool of himself.

He can't do that.

Mary, he can't do it if he wants to. He's an adult now. He can choose his own

actions. You call copping out on Tommy like that being an adult?

She's right, Dad. I mean, the show must go on. The show is going on. With or

without David, I'm performing at the Spectrum Monday night.

You sure about that, son?

David can chicken out if he wants to, but I can handle it myself.

Back pounding nails when he flunked his exam.

Exam? What exam?

For his contractor's license. You mean he didn't tell you?

No. That's typical.

Close to the chest all the way.

You see, I got more work than I can handle, so I made a deal with David. You

your contractor's license, work for me for a while as my assistant, and then

subcontract for me.

You mean the job was only temporary?

Afraid so. It was all dependent upon him getting that license.

So he's back on construction.

Well, I wasn't about to lose a worker like him, so I got him back swinging a

hammer instead of swinging a pencil.

Michelle.

You're taking me to lunch?

Why? I mean, what's the occasion?

Oh, because it's a pretty day.

Because I just got a raise.

Who needs an occasion?

The real reason is, if I pay, I get to pick the place.

I see he's already taken you to his favorite little spot.

The Jalisco Hot Dog Pit. Right, and that's what it is to the pit, right? 27

brands of heartburn on a bun.

What? Wait a minute. You mean you really don't like that place?

I would like to sneak out in the dead of night.

and burn that place to the ground as a public service.

That's a good idea. Not even the Polish sausage with the chili and the

sauerkraut? I'd love that.

I have a test tomorrow on the central nervous system, and my central nervous

system is beginning to fray around the edges.

Elizabeth, I've got to get my act together.

Yeah, couldn't you get it together a little more quietly, like maybe in

Look, when the Eagles play, people pay to listen.

I'm paying.

I'm paying. Believe me.

How's it going?

A little frayed around the edges.

I could really use the other guitar.

David? Yeah?

Well, listen, I'll just go to the library. It's okay.

Oh, hey, I don't want to drive you out of the house. It's okay.

I'll drive myself.

Library will be better for nervous system.

Okay.

Hey! Hey!

I'd just like to say... that I like music, and I like what you're playing.

you've been playing the same thing for the last 40 minutes, so please try

something different before I get violent.

Girls.

Yeah.

Coming.

Hi. What?

I want to talk to you about Tommy.

Okay, David, if you'd rather have an argument with me out here on your front

porch, that's just fine with me.

You know, Tommy will get over it.

Oh, the spectrum thing, sure.

I was thinking more of Tommy's opinion of his older brother.

Aren't you being a little dramatic?

I don't think so.

David, Tommy looks up to you. You're his idol.

Oh, well, that's his problem. I don't remember applying for the job.

David, come off. Look, Mary, if Tommy wants to get up there and make a fool of

himself, let him.

I got better things to do with my time. David, you only failed one loud details.

What's the big deal?

I got cut down once this week, and I don't need it again.

Just go.

I'm sorry.

Go be sorry somewhere else, okay?

Yeah.

And then the girl says, okay, but what will we do with your guitar?

When Mr., no, let's drop the Mr. stuff.

When the emcee said that this was the first time on stage for me, actually,

wasn't quite the truth. You see, I have worked on a stage before.

Riding shotgun.

Oh, hi, Dad. I was just polishing my opening monologue for tomorrow night.

Yes, I heard.

Oh. What do you think?

Oh, well, to tell you the truth, I was a little weak.

You see, telling jokes is an art. It requires eye contact with the audience

pausing at the right moment, setting up the punchline.

It also requires good material.

Oh, I've got plenty of that. Here, sit down. I want to try one out on you.

You see, a funny thing happened to me on the way to the Spectrum tonight.

I was cruising along and all of a sudden I hear all of these lights and sirens.

And then this guy pulls me over, gets out, comes over and sticks a size 12

against my vehicle, knocks it over, takes out this little black book and

to write me up for peddling without a license.

What's the matter? Didn't you get it?

I got it.

Would you like it back?

No, no, you don't understand.

That's another little Tommy.

If you have to explain the joke, that means that it didn't work.

But keep polishing it up.

It'll get better.

Shucky Bradford.

Yeah, at least you like my jokes.

Mind if I come in? Yeah, come on in.

Mary, I want to try a joke out on you. Sit down.

See, a funny thing happened to me on the way to the Spectrum tonight.

I was cruising along, and all of a sudden I hear all these lights and

And then this guy pulls me over, gets out of his car and comes over. David,

not trying to interfere.

I agree that you're old enough to... Come on, I'm not asking you to perform.

I'm not asking you to perform. I'm just asking you to come down there and sit in

the audience and give Tommy moral support by your presence.

Dad, I understand your point, but I've got plans for tonight.

Well, plans can be changed.

Look, Dad, I'm sorry. There's someone here.

What's not fair?

I ought to be allowed to go, too.

Oh, no, we've been over this before. You're too young.

But what about Tommy and Elizabeth?

They aren't grown up, either. Suddenly we have to draw the line somewhere.

Boy, that stinks.

I couldn't agree more. But guess what? There's a brighter side.

Abby and I are going to stay home and babysit with you.

I'm not a baby.

Oh, no, of course not. That's just a figure of speech.

Like, um... Like getting arrested?

Like... No, I don't think so.

Look, suppose we change the word. Instead of babysit, we make it

boy -sit.

No, that's sexist. Child -sit.

Kid -sit?

Hey, kid -sit. How about kid -sit?

Hmm, kid -sit.

Maybe kids.

Yes, the ones who really need the light are the ones who turn away.

Open up.

Baby, won't you open up?

Open up.

Baby, won't you open? Baby, won't you open up? Ah, darling, now, baby, won't

open? Baby, won't you open up?

$1 ,500 rent.

No, no, the rent is $175.

Yeah, but the card says with the hotel it's $1 ,500.

Quick, lend me $5 ,000.

I can't do that. It's against the rules.

Oh, come on now. You're not going to let a little eight -year -old kid wipe me

out.

Thank you, Merv, baby. That was wonderful.

And now, for the first time on any stage, let's give a great big spectrum

welcome to...

Tommy Bradford.

Uh, I suppose you're all kind of wondering how I got on the spectrum bill

tonight. Actually, this was my prize for placing second in a local talent

contest. Uh, the winner got a two -week subscription to the Atlantic Monthly.

But seriously, folks,

This is really a step up from the last place I played. Well, you talk about

dives. They had a dime cover charge to keep out the rip -raff.

No, the spectrum is really beautiful, and I'm really glad to be here. It's

really where it's at. One other thing before I start. This song was originally

arranged for two people with the other guy playing the guitar. So if it sounds

like I hit a wrong chord or I'm singing a harmony, you're probably hearing

right.

Hey, darling, don't clap like that. He's liable to tell another joke.

Hey, I'm sorry I'm late.

That's okay. I was just warming him up.

Are you ready? Yeah.

When you're down and troubled And you need some

loving care And nothing

Hey,

which one of you boys is Sonny and which one of you is Cher?

Hey, why don't you stuff a plug in it so the rest of us can enjoy the show, huh?

Well, how are you going to enjoy the show with them two up there singing like

that?

Hey.

Those guys are trying real hard up there, so how about you giving them a

huh?

Oh, how about you give me a break? How about you getting your hands off me?

hey, hey, now come on, don't play hard to get, because I've seen you over there

giving me the eye.

Giving you the eye?

Could you repeat that last part, please?

You're not going to believe this.

I have seven kids in jail.

Now, I shouldn't get nervous. There must be a logical explanation.

Only what could be logical about seven kids being in jail?

Maybe they got the wrong Bradford.

How many Bradfords in Sacramento have seven children?

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Well, anyway, they've got them in two different facilities.

So if you could go down to Juvenile Hall and pick up Nancy and Elizabeth and

Tommy, and then I could go over to Adult Hall or Senior, whatever they call it,

and pick up the rest of them.

Dad, can I go with you? Oh, no, no, we have to get a babysitter for him. Kid

sitter. A kid sitter, right.

Okay, let me see now.

Backpack. You'll never find it in Yellow Pages. Well, I never had to hire a

babysitter, a kidsitter before.

I always used one of the kids, except once. David was a little boy, and we got

the person across the street. It was a cousin of the people that live across

street. I've got her. I've got her. She's one of my students, and she'll be

perfect. Well, I don't know if I'll find it in Yellow Pages. What are you

looking for now?

A bail bondsman.

here almost an hour. Well, let's hope Mr. Sampson is more confidential and

sympathetic than he is prompt.

Mr. Bradford? Yes.

I'm John Sampson, bail bondsman. Though a few more nights like tonight, I'm

going to try wholesale dry goods. What a big nothing.

Two B &Ds, one DWI, and three BIs.

No BLTs?

You want a joke? I charge by the hour. Oh, no, no. Please, Mr. Sampson, this is

not a joke. We have a problem here of disturbing the peace.

You're disturbing my peace if you got me out of bed for a lousy DP.

Well, your ad did say any time, day or night.

I exaggerate. And they've thrown in a nice, disorderly conduct, just for good

measure. Oh, well, that's a little better.

Okay, DP, DC, NP.

NP. No problem.

Four of them, right?

Well, yes, on the DP and on the DC, there are five, but actually there are

on the QT.

Seven?

How many people are we talking about?

Well, don't look at me.

The hole in the wall gang belongs to him.

Mr. Bradford, please.

Yes.

Oh, thank you.

Mr. Sampson. If you don't mind, I don't take shorthand. Oh, yeah. Listen, Mr.

Sampson, I... Oh, gosh. I don't think we're going to be needing your services.

The sergeant said that the court has decided to release the kids on their own

recognizance.

Sergeant, not me.

Well, I'll go pick up the juvenile, then I'll meet you back at the hideout.

Sergeant, sir.

I don't think it's so funny.

I've never been so embarrassed in all my life.

Juvenile, huh?

I was supposed to be in the big house.

So next time you get busted, remember to bring your ID.

You know what really bugs me?

It's weird just starting to cook.

Whoops, better put some more bread and water on. Sounds like the rest of the

jailbirds are coming in.

Hey, hard case, how'd you get out of the joint so fast?

Listen, small fry, when you've done as much hard time as I have... Oh, I've

in and out of this family so many times, they've got to sell with my name on it.

All right, quiet down, all of you.

And when you stop laughing, maybe you'd like to hear what this immature,

inexcusable, terrible behavior is going to cost us. Here.

Item. The spectrum.

The spectrum neon light.

The chairs. The table. The microphone.

The speaker. The big glass mirror that used to hang up behind the bar.

Oh, but, Dad, we didn't do that.

Item.

David's future. Do you know what, David? Do you know what you're charged with?

Assault with a deadly weapon. Dad, that's stupid. Item.

Legal fees for all seven of you.

I don't know whether they charge by the person or by the offense, but either

way, it's a very tidy sum.

Hey, wait a minute, Dad. I have a friend from school, absolutely brilliant.

Passed the bar exam without ever even studying, Phi Beta Kappa, law review,

whole works.

Look, I'm sure he'd give us a break on legal feastings. He's a good friend and

so new and all.

Oh, how new?

Two weeks.

Listen, the important thing is to have a lawyer when you go to court. Remember

when I got arrested during the sit -in?

Who forgets?

The charges usually get reduced to something the judge can handle by just

out a stiff fine and it's over.

Oh, thanks, Mary. That's another thing. Item, stiff fines. Put the emphasis on

stiff. And how come, Mary, of all the kids, you were charged with resisting

arrest?

Well, uh, I guess I'm having to die hard.

I want to hear what happened.

Not now, Nicholas. We'll tell you about it tomorrow.

But it already is tomorrow.

We said later, Nicholas.

It's always later.

I'm never included like anyone else.

Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. Just stay yourself.

You mean stay small?

No, I mean, uh, don't change to be just, you know, just to be one of the mob.

Stay Nicholas.

Inside, where it counts.

got through one and a half versions before the fight broke out.

Yeah, it was really something else. They were throwing tables all over the place

and chairs and people and guys.

Wait a second.

Jody, what's with all the papers? Hey, the newsboy has a sense of humor. Eight

copies. Mail it out to Spectrum. Extra, extra. Read all about it. Hey, we made

the paper. What page? Eleven.

Only page eleven?

Yeah. Here it is, guys. Next to the last page.

Here it is.

Melee at the Spectrum. A near riot broke out last night at the Spectrum, a

country music club on North Main Street.

Hey, what's with these people? I mean, we're in between club and garden news

the obituaries.

Better have a talk with your press agent, Tommy.

Come on, you guys, there's more.

Though several people were involved in the fracas, only one person, William

Cody, 28, a truck driver, was injured.

A spokesman for the Spectrum said the damages were in the neighborhood of $5

,000. Yeah.

David Bradford, 23, one of the two Bradford brothers performing at the

charged with assault, allegedly having hit Cody with his guitar.

Bradford is the son of Tom Bradford, columnist for this paper.

They didn't even mention my name.

That's showbiz, kid, you know. I mean, one day you're a star, the next day they

don't know who you are.

Damn, what a rag.

Hey, buddy, this rag happens to pay the bills.

Hey, I wonder what's on Dad's column today.

Here you go.

On the last page.

Ah, a capital idea by Tom Bradford. In light of the increasing violence in our

present society, perhaps we should have a better look at capital punishment?

Good timing, Dad. Hits it every time.

Could you guys come downstairs?

Chuck, this is Joni and Nancy.

Actress, beauty expert. And David.

Ah, ADW.

Ah, okay.

Susan. The ringleader threw the first punch, right? Yeah, well, I was mad.

Now, I'm bound by oath to tell you that violence is never a way to settle

problems. Yeah, but that drunk... Do you understand what I said?

Yeah, but... Good, fine. Let's get on with it.

All right, my plan is simple. Attack.

We're going to fill the air with legalities and the court with subpoenas.

We're going to start by suing the Spectrum for not adequately protecting

employees and patrons.

We're going to find that heckler, and we're going to request the court to

him with inciting to riot.

Maybe I can get a change of venue.

Chuck, what can I expect in the ADW?

Oh, I am really looking forward to fighting that one. Now, I need to know

whether the guy you hit provoked you or threatened you in any manner whatever.

Oh, no, no, no. Wait a minute. David didn't hit anybody.

Do you have any witnesses to that effect?

Oh, we can plea bargain that charge down to simple assault.

Simple assault. I didn't hit anybody.

Tell it to the judge.

Don't tell me you're... Nicholas.

Right, the one that wasn't arrested.

Yeah. Can I talk to you?

Sure. What's the best way to get arrested?

And beat the charge?

No. And then go to jail.

When I was younger, things seemed to be a lot simpler.

It's going to be one of those kind of articles, huh?

One crummy week.

Is your final word on the subject, or do you want to try for ten days? What are

you talking about?

Maybe the faintest idea.

What are you talking about?

I finally got out from under for one crummy week. No payments, no expenses.

The house is finally completely mine, and now tomorrow I have to go to the

and borrow $5 ,000.

Is that going to cover court costs, too?

Court costs?

What time is it?

I have to see the city attorney at 11 o 'clock.

What's he want? I don't know what he wants. He probably wants to give me a

special award for having the most kids in jail over a 24 -hour period.

Yeah, the Nobel Disturbing the Peace Prize.

For openers, let me tell you that I'm prejudiced in this case. Oh?

Yeah, in your favor.

Oh. Over the years that I've read your columns, I've come to feel that I know

you and your family to some extent.

That piece that you did on wanting to resign as a father, that really hit

Thank you. So I'm not about to make a reputation for myself as a fearless

prosecutor by sending your family to various institutions.

That's very nice, Mr. Wicks. Okay, so why don't you speak to the owner of the

spectrum and see if you can get him to drop the charges. You tell him it's all

right with me.

Between you and me, I think that the spectrum enjoys a fight or two

periodically. It gives the place a reputation.

Oh, that's very nice of you, Mr. Wicks. Thank you. I'll go over and see him

right now.

Oh, does that include the ADW?

That's a different matter.

The guy who's pressing that charge is pretty sore.

Excuse the pun.

No, but you see, David swears he never hit anyone. I believe him, too. He

wouldn't lie to me. Not about something like that. Those are nice sentiments,

Mr. Bradford, but they're not worth a thing in court.

Now, look, I've got a broken guitar.

I've got a guy with a lump on his head. Now, that's pretty incriminating stuff.

Now, whether I like it or not, I'm going to have to prosecute your son based on

those charges.

Oh, I see.

Well, then I guess I'll see you in court.

The way I blew that exam, insane.

Yeah, well, actually, the exam should be the least of your problems. I knew it

the minute I walked out of that test. First of all, I hadn't studied. I wasn't

prepared.

I figured with all the experience I had had in construction, I could just wing

it. Yeah, I see. But it's not going to happen next time because the community

college has a course that prepares you for the test.

I've enrolled.

I start next week.

Oh, well, that's just fine, David.

But you better make sure that you can take this as a correspondence course.

I just left the city attorney. He said that if you're convicted of this assault

charge, there's a very good chance you might wind up in jail.

Do you know that the interest

rates are three times what they were when I bought the house?

Three times. And they act like you're so lucky to get it.

I had this appraiser coming over to the house later to see if the house was

worth $5 ,000.

The house is worth ten times that much.

I give better interest rates.

Huh?

You know, between my teacher's salary and my pension as an Air Force widow, I

have enough money in my savings to lend you the entire $5 ,000.

I couldn't do that.

I don't understand.

Well, I mean, it would be... It could destroy a friendship.

Borrowing and lending is big business, and I wouldn't want our friendship to

be... supported with a burden like that.

You didn't seem very burdened when you landed on Nicholas's hotel and needed $5

,000. Come on, Abby, we're not talking about play money.

You shouldn't lend friends money.

I mean, you either give it to them and don't expect to get it back, or you just

don't offer it.

Okay, I'll give it to you.

I can't take it.

But you just said... I know what I said, but I can't take money from a woman.

A woman?

Oh, all the old -fashioned, male -dominating, role -playing, pig

Guilty as charged, but I've been old -fashioned for a long time.

So why change a good thing, right?

I can change, it's just that changes don't come easily to me.

This last year's been nothing but changes.

But I'm trying, especially now that we're together, but...

Look, just let me try to get my family out of trouble, and then we'll start to

work on my pigheadedness.

Okay, fair enough.

You know, I don't see how, after that little speech, that you can allow me to

pay this bill.

Well, this might be a good time to stop being pigheaded.

Nancy, what's the best way to get arrested?

I don't know. I'm still trying to figure out how to see the Stevie Wonder

concert without you. I'm talking about me. How can I get arrested?

Why would you want to know something as tacky as that?

For school, for charity events, for a report.

Weird.

Let's see.

Oil shortage, power shortage, water shortage.

Here's one.

How would you like to be a cat burglar, Nicholas?

Thanks, Nancy.

It's okay.

Boy, school sure has changed.

Whatever happened to Run Spot Run?

You stay here and be good.

You can take a nap.

I'll be back in a little while.

Next thing I know, I'm laying flat on my back looking up.

I'm telling you, Ardovia, I ain't never been blindsided like that before.

And you never even saw the guy?

No, I never did.

But I got his name.

And if I ever do see him, I'm going to rip one of his arms off.

My name's David Bradford, and I'm looking for Buff Cody.

Hey, take it easy, mister. You better make peace with the Lord, because I'm

fixing to rearrange your face. Hey, wait a minute. I just came in to talk to

you.

You're making a big mistake. I never hit you.

Oh, you never did, huh? You never did. Then how come the first thing I saw when

I woke up was you standing over me with a busted guitar in your hands?

The reason I was standing over you was to keep the mob from trampling you.

As for the guitar, somebody put their foot through it.

Do you see that? Do you see that, mister? That's what busted your dang

Where'd you get the black eye?

When I fell.

Well, ever think it could have been the other way around?

You know, somebody popped you in the eye, you're blindsided, and you hit your

head when you fell.

Because all that's over there is just a little bitty old red -headed girl

hollering at that loudmouth drunk.

Redhead? That's right.

Well, isn't it possible that the redhead might have, uh... You think that's

funny?

You insinuating I might have got dicked by a girl?

No.

Look, I'm appealing to your sense of fair play.

You have nothing to lose, and at the moment I have everything to gain.

What you got in mind?

I just think there's someone you ought to meet.

It's in the garage.

What is?

The cat.

After I burglarized it, I put it in the garage. I'm a cat burglar.

Oh, and I fit it some milk.

Thirty days till I retire and I get Dennis the Menace.

My name's Nicholas.

Aren't you gonna make me stand over the wall so you can fist me?

No.

Oh. You're just going to toss me in the cooler?

Aren't you even going to give me my rights?

The answer is no.

Kid, why are you so anxious to go to the joint?

Believe me, it ain't Disneyland.

Come on, kid.

Come clean.

I'll make you a deal.

Tell me the truth, and I'll go easy with you.

Why did you steal the cat?

So I can be like all my brothers and sisters.

Your brothers and sisters steal cats?

No, they've all been arrested.

And I'm the only one in the whole family that's never been arrested.

Well, that's something to be proud of. You're the only one with a clean record.

Okay.

Stick out your mitts.

Your hands, kid. Stick out your hands.

You have the right to remain silent.

You have the right to an attorney.

Cannot afford an attorney. One will be provided by the court.

No, kid.

Don't smile.

Well,

watch your step, kid.

You got a record now.

Yep.

Now you go to jail.

The West better be good. You'll see.

I just want you to meet this little bitty redhead.

Listen, I know where you're coming from, Betty, but you're way off base.

Won't hurt to try, will it?

Won't hurt me.

Nancy, Mary. This is Cody. Cody, Mary, Nancy.

Yeah? Well, them ain't the girls.

I know.

Oh, excuse me.

Hiya, David.

That's the bank appraiser.

Hi, David. How's it work? Been better. Joni, Elizabeth, this is Buff Cody.

Them ain't the girls either.

Gee, what is this, David? Some kind of talent search?

David, do you remember the square footage on this house?

Wait a minute, let me think.

Hello, I'm David's father.

This is Mr. Salmon.

Oh, there, he didn't come down. 3 ,500 square feet?

No, wait, that might be the house we're building out in Elmcrest.

Where's Susan?

Susan, I think she's in the kitchen. Susan!

I know this is getting a little nutty, but... Anybody know where this cat came

from? Hey, now, wait a minute there now.

That is the girl I seen the other night.

Right.

Susan, this is Buff Cody, the man accusing me of assault with a deadly

Buff, my sister, the little Billy Redhead.

Now, just bear with me and don't ask any questions, all right? Give me the cat.

Careful.

Now, you just stay there, Buff.

All right,

Susan, we're going to pretend we're back at the Spectrum, and I'm the drunk

insulting me up on the stage.

Okay, now what do you do? Lead with my right.

Lead.

David, I'm not going to hit you.

Susan, it's either you or him.

Come on, what are you trying to pull here, buddy?

Buff, I guarantee it, you'll live through this.

All right, give me your best shot.

Okay.

Pretty mean little rat you got there, darling.

I, uh, rest my case.

But I wasn't aiming at you, I was aiming at David. I mean, I was aiming at the

drunk who was making all the noise.

You're not... Oh, yeah, I am.

You are?

I guess I missed.

I mean, or maybe he ducked and you got in the way?

Or maybe you leaned in?

Heck, I don't know. I had my eyes closed.

It's a bad -looking eye.

I'm sorry.

I guess you made your case, buddy.

I'll drop the charges.

You don't happen to get off on samurai movies, do you?

Pardon me.

Well, thank you for coming by, Mr.

Salomon. No, it's a commotion. What commotion? I got it.

Hello? Oh, my gosh, what happened to your eye?

Dad, it's the police station.

They say they have one of your kids there.

Oh, no, not again.

This time they've got the wrong Bradford.

Dad, it's Nicola.

Oh, it's Nicola.

Nicholas?

Oh, yeah.

So, then they were going to lock me up, but they didn't ever hear from my side.

So, that's when they called you.

Well, you know, Nicholas, you can always go back when you get bigger.

Oh, no way. They don't have television there.

Thank goodness for television.

Hey, Dad. Dad.

David and I wrote some new lyrics to this song.

Mm -hmm.

11 .5 % per annum plus, carrying charges, home insurance, taxes... Out!

Out!

Are they playing at the Elks Club again? Yeah, they're trying desperately to get

that note paid off before the end of the year. Excuse me, the two young men they

told me to come in.

I'm Mr. Simon Anowski.

Oh, yes, of course, the man from the bank.

Abby, I want you to meet Mr.

Samovar. How do you do?

Look, we have a little problem here.

You've listed 12 rooms in this house, but according to my list, there's only

Really?

That's funny.

Well, no.

Huh, that's funny. I'd better go check.

Did you count the bathrooms?

So, Nicholas, do you still feel left out?

No, but that's it. I always have to remember I'm an important part of the

family. But sometimes I get... Overlooked.

Yeah, well, that's the word.

Did you count the laundry room?

Yes.

You won't believe this. Now we can only find ten rooms.

Somebody took one.

Don't look at me. I didn't take one.

Boy, get a record and everybody will pick on you.