Original subtitles

♪ I just found joy

♪ I'm as happy as a baby boy

♪ With another brand new choo-choo toy ♪

♪ When I met my sweet Lorraine ♪

♪ Lorraine Lorraine

♪ she's got a pair of eyes

♪ that are brighter than the summer sky ♪

♪ When you see them you realize ♪

♪ Why I love my sweet Lorraine ♪

♪ Now when it's raining

♪ I don't miss the sun

♪ because it's in my baby's smile ♪

♪ Ho ho

♪ and to think that I'm the lucky one ♪

♪ That would lead her down the aisle ♪

♪ Oh ho oh

♪ each night I pray

♪ that no one will steal her heart away ♪

♪ I can't wait until that lucky day ♪

♪ When I marry sweet Lorraine

She is a beauty.

Who? What?

Who? Who is a beauty?

Heh, the car.

Oh, oh, I thought you were talking

about a chick walking outside.

I lost my concentration.

Why do you think they call cars "she?"

Never "he."

It's always "she."

I guess it's just custom.

Well, what do you think?

Don't press me.

You're a sick man. Sick!

Do you hear me?

Do you hear me?

Who's sick?

Who do you think I'm screaming at?

How many of you are there up there?

There's only you

and you're a sick human being.

I can't believe you sometimes.

Where's my white-on-white shirt?

It's like yelling to a wall to you.

I'm carrying on about

what a disgusting human being you are

and all you want to know

is where your white-on-white shirt is?

Yeah, the one with the permanent stays.

I really don't want you to hustle me here.

You know what I mean? I really...

I really hate that.

I hate being hustled.

I just want a nice, honest price, you know?

I just don't want any special deals.

Just a nice, honest price.

Am I making myself clear.

Of course, Mr. Babowsky.

Now how much are you willing to pay?

You're doing it, see?

You're doing it already. I hate that.

You... you... you're giving me a hustle number.

I am just trying to get an idea

of how much you're willing to pay.

$4.

I'd like to pay $4 a month.

Now that is not an honest answer.

Well, what do you want to hear?

Why don't you just tell me

what you want me to pay, okay?

And then I'll tell you whether I'll pay it.

And then we won't have to get this hustle number going,

which I really hate.

What do I want to pay?

I want to pay nothing.

You're being unreasonable.

You don't even want to listen!

I don't know what I did.

I got no idea.

If you'd listen you'd know what you did.

Is it my fault? Yeah.

I'm sorry, okay?

I'm sorry.

I could do no better than that.

A full unconditional apology.

All right? Okay?

And by the way,

why don't you send a search party out

for the white-on-white shirt?

The best one I got.

Now if you have even the smallest problem,

you call me personally and I'll just shoot you

straight in to the service department.

Okay, now, uh, I get the loaner, right,

if my car has to stay.

As we discussed, you get a car

if the car has to stay overnight.

Uh, do I get the loaner?

Yes.

She's driving me to my grave.

That's it. I'm headed to my grave.

I'm on my way to my grave.

Woman is driving me insane.

It's not supposed to be like this.

Uh-uh.

11:00, my neck is stiff as a board.

Ugh.

Oh, it's tight. Oh.

Now you enjoy the car, Mr. Babowsky.

Oh, my god.

Are you a lunatic?

Are you telling me

that you didn't see me coming out of this lot?

Huh?

There's a red light there, for crying out loud!

You're supposed to stop!

Me?

Are you crazy?

What do you want to just back

into the middle of the street like that?

A man's driving along

and you want to back into the middle of the street.

What kind of driving is that?

There's a red light there, you know?

I was making a space for myself.

That's what I was trying to do

in order to get into the street.

You bolted outta nowhere!

That's something you're supposed to do.

You bolted out of nowhere, pal.

I bolted?

You bolted outta no place! I bolted?

Bolted outta nowhere!

I bolted at six miles an hour?

I bolted into the street? That's right!

You Shmuck! Back away from me!

All right, I'll back away. Back away from me.

I'll back away. I'm backing away.

Here, I backed away, huh?

You lunatic!

Will you look at this guy, huh?

He backs in front of me,

he rips my side-view mirror off,

and then... and I'm crazy?

You goddamn lunatic! You're dead!

You are crazy!

You are nuts!

The oughta lock you up

and throw away the key.

That's what the oughta do to you.

Look at this.

Look at this!

My car's got 1/16th of a mile on it

and it's already been hit.

I'm gonna get even with you.

I'm gonna get even with you, you son of a bitch.

I'm gonna get even with you.

Look, you wanna drive a Cadillac,

learn how to drive.

You wanna get even with somebody,

you picked the wrong person to get even with, pal!

Nobody backs in traffic,

smashed my car,

and then tells me they're gonna get even!

I'm gonna get even, pal!

We'll see about that.

Give me my goddamn mirror.

Now a loaner, a loaner.

Right now, no talk!

Good morning, Mrs. Foster.

Hi, I represent the Gibraltar aluminum siding company.

We're gonna be having a representative

in your neighborhood today.

We were wondering would you be interested

in seeing the benefits of our aluminum product?

Yes, well, we do aluminum siding...

Would you be interested in seeing the benefits

of our aluminum product?

Well, we do aluminum siding, which...

Mrs. Beadle, are you interested in aluminum siding?

Aluminum siding company.

So the doctor says when I get

all the information back, I'll give you a call.

He leaves the doctor.

So one day the phone rings,

the guy goes to pick it up.

Guy?

The guy.

Not the doctor?

That's right, the guy gets a telephone call.

It's the doctor on the line.

Don't get so irritable.

Well, listen to what I'm saying.

Let him tell the joke, cheese.

So the doctor says,

"I got some bad news and some worse news."

Guy says, "well, let me hear the bad news first."

Doctor says, "you got. 24 hours to live."

The guy says, "well, what's the worse news?"

Doctor says, "I forgot to call you yesterday."

So the guy's dead, right?

That's good. Worse news and bad news.

Did you hear what he says? "The guy dies?"

It's a dumb joke but it's good.

All right, all right, okay!

We hear you. All right.

So did you get your new Cadillac?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's already been hit.

Hit? What?

I didn't have the thing five minutes.

Aw.

I was backing out of the place,

a guy comes out of nowhere,

bangs right into my car. Oh, Jesus.

I call. Whattaya got?

Uh, 6's.

Pair o'jakes. I win again.

Pair of 6's?

So I lied.

So how much damage?

$600 worth at least.

$600? Yeah.

I'd get rid of that car.

With that kind of damage, the car won't be any good.

He probably dented the frame.

He didn't dent the frame.

You hit the frame, the car doesn't run right.

He didn't dent the frame. Watch my lips.

Don't get so irritable.

You never listen to me.

So what are we doing here?

I'm gonna tell you something.

I'm gonna get this guy.

If he'd apologized, it would be different.

But he gets out of the car.

He tries to push me around.

Don't let anybody push you around, b.B.

I'm gonna get this guy.

Just for the fun of it.

And he attacks me.

He rips my... My side-view mirror off!

One of the loonies.

Unbelievable. Did you live?

Did you get his name?

Yeah, I got his name.

Police came.

God, I can't believe it.

The guy's an idiot.

Yeah, I got it right here.

Polish name.

Babowsky. Bill Babowsky.

Fuckin' son of a bitch.

Hey, I know that guy.

They call him b.B.

You know this son of a bitch?

Yeah, yeah, he works with bagel.

He sells aluminum siding?

Uh-huh. Same as us.

I don't believe it.

Of all the people that could run into me,

it has to be another tin man.

How come I don't know him?

Ah, come on, you must've seen him.

He hangs out with that group, you know?

Cheese, Carly, Benelli.

Gibraltar siding.

You know that group.

I don't know the guy.

Come on!

When we were up at the corral, he was there one night.

You know when we were all there.

He's... he's a good dancer.

You must know. You must've seen him.

I don't know the guy.

What are you talking about?

Gil, he doesn't know the guy.

Hey, listen, I thought he knew the guy

okay, Sam?

I can't believe he didn't know the guy.

He seems to be indicating that he doesn't know him.

I don't know the guy, all right?

All right. All right?

Okay. All right, Gil?

Now, hey... he's a good dancer.

What do you want me to do? Date him?

I don't give a shit if he's a good dancer.

Well, I thought you saw the guy.

I tell ya, I was amazed.

This guy does a merengue.

Whoa, I'm telling you.

If I was a girl,

I'd be... I'd be... I'd be really impressed.

You're not one of those, are you?

I'm not one of those. No, I'm not.

Is this fresh?

Yes, it's fresh.

I'm just asking, Florence.

You're always just asking. You drive me crazy.

I can't... I can't tell you how well

this guy does the merengue.

Choo choo cha... pa!

I can't wait to see it.

You know, I'll tell you one thing.

When I get a hold of this guy,

I'm gonna break both his legs.

And then he won't dance the merengue too good.

Son of a bitch.

Backs right... look at the nose on my car.

Take a look at that.

Holy mackerel, look at that.

And it was a beautiful car before this happened.

Let me... let me ask you something.

You watch ed Sullivan, right?

Which actor you like better,

the guy who spins the plates,

or do you like, uh, the guy with the...

The hand puppets? Senor Wences.

Right, senor Wences. I love this guy.

Senor Wences.

He's good. He's the best.

I mean, that's good comedy.

He's better than the guy that spins the plates?

Of course he's better.

This guy... plus, he's got no overhead.

The man's got a hand, a chalk, and a box.

And that's it.

Every once in a while, he puts a little wig on it.

Hello, sir.

I love him. I love the guy.

I'm gonna tell you something.

Bonanza is not an accurate depiction of the west.

That's all I'm saying.

You ever watch that show?

Is somebody talking about bonanza in here?

Today's a bonanza day.

Oh, is today a Bo... It's Monday!

Today is bonanza day.

It's bonanza day. Big b day.

Oh, excuse me!

You laugh. You laugh about it.

How's Ben and the boys doing?

You can laugh about it but it's just no believable.

You ever see the show?

It's a 50-year-old father

with three 47-year-old sons.

You know why they get along good?

'Cause they're all the same age.

"Hey, pa, you ride the horse... What's he talking about?

And I'll go to town."

Come on. What kind of show is that?

Well, I don't...

Look, I'm not an authority on it like you are.

But I occasionally watch bonanza.

And I think it's, like, can you believe

here's a man who's got three kids

from three different wives?

They all died at childbirth.

What is this here?

Must've been a hell of a man.

Who's gonna go around there?

He's the kiss of death!

Yeah, it's called one hump and out.

A little time to kill.

Wanna get some coffee?

No, let's do life magazine.

Oh, yeah, it'll be fun.

Yeah, cheer me up.

I think we have to move

the camera over another foot!

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, this is much better.

Why don't you take a look here?

Yeah, the light is hitting it now

in a perfect way.

It's giving us just exactly what... it's very good.

Yeah, that really shows the flaws

in the structure.

Yeah, it's got a lot of the...

It's showing the discoloration here.

It's got that look. And the flaking...

This is better.

Come on out, honey.

Hey, you got color in here?

Coloration. Oh, yes, yes!

This is too nice for black and white.

Yeah. It's gotta be color.

Bingo.

Excuse me.

Uh, what are youse doin'?

I hope we're not disturbing you, ma'am.

We're with life magazine.

We'll be out of here in just a minute.

I gotta move the camera over another foot there.

Uh, what do you mean life magazine?

Uh, just two minutes, ma'am.

And then we'll be out of your way.

We just need some pictures for life magazine

and then we won't be bothering you.

Life magazine is here on my front lawn?

Yeah... yeah, you see,

we're doing a layout on, uh,

the benefits of aluminum siding.

You know, kind of a before and after presentation.

A before picture?

Yeah.

So they see your house

and another house done with aluminum siding.

The other house lookin' so much more beautiful.

In Life magazine?

Yes, special issue on home improvements.

Ways to beautify the home.

Yes, it's a wonderful...

It's a wonderful issue.

It's one of the most beautiful pictorial,

uh, things that we've ever done here in life.

You know, ways to improve the home.

This is gonna look very good, b.B.

Our house is gonna be the before picture

in Life magazine?

Are you crazy?

We keep life magazine on our coffee table.

Aw, can't my house be the after?

No, no, no.

No. That's so sweet.

No, thank you.

But we already have a house

that, uh, that has aluminum siding

that looks just like your house

but it's ever so much more beautiful.

Yeah, really shows the contrast

of what a house can look like.

How much does this cost?

What?

Uh, the...

Oh, the aluminum siding?

I don't know.

Do you know anything about the costs?

No, but I think it's fairly reasonable.

Well, can't my house be the after picture

in Life magazine?

You could get another house for the before.

What do you mean?

Oh, you mean, uh...

You would like your house

to be the after picture with aluminum siding?

And then we would have to find another house,

uh, to look like their house with, uh...

For the before picture.

Is that possible, hons?

Oh, I don't...

I don't know if we could manage this.

What do you think?

I don't know. It's kind of pushing it, b.B.

It's pushing it.

Well, what time's your husband get home?

'Cause he'd have to go over the figures with a salesman.

That's if there's even a salesman

available this evening.

Jerry'll be home at 7:00.

That'll be a total of $3,700.

$3,700?

Honey, we're gonna be in life magazine!

Before.

After.

You and your lovely wife might've been asking yourself,

"exactly what are the benefits of aluminum siding."

It won't chip, peel, blister,

crack, flake, or rust in any way.

Only maintenance you'll ever have

is to wash it down twice a year with a hose.

It affords much greater insulation

which means it cuts down on your heating bills.

I'll tell you what.

Only on this sale,

I'll throw in a garden hose for this sale.

Let's do some business.

You got a deal.

You're a smart man.

This house will be a monument to your good taste.

Sorry.

What happened?

Almost had 'em.

I was this close.

You were in there long enough.

I thought you were gonna send me in to close.

Damn, I thought I had 'em.

Nothing?

Nothing.

♪ Tall and tan

♪ and young and lovely

♪ When she passes

♪ each one she passes goes

♪ aah

so, 600 bucks.

Looks like a good deal.

People own their own home

so we won't have any problem getting financing.

Very good, mouse.

So, that's, uh...

$1,138.

...And $38. 138.

Thanks, boss.

Pleasure doing business with you.

So... What's your guys' story?

Nothing again.

Came up short.

Let me get a little advance.

300 just to carry me for a bit.

I'm already carrying you for what is it, $2,300?

Something like that, Tilley?

No problem.

I'm in a little slump here is all.

That's it.

You're not gonna take a walk on me?

What do you mean walk?

You think I'm gonna work somewhere's else?

Wing, you've been very good to me.

Very honorable.

He always said that about you, wing.

He always said that.

Believe me, he has.

I'll give you 150.

I need a bit more than that.

I got... I got expenses.

What's the matter with your wife?

She don't work?

Yeah, what's she gonna make working

in the social security office?

Come on, wing.

Can't you do no better than this?

I mean, a man in my position

in terms of this firm.

I mean, I don't know.

200. That's it.

Honey, could you bring me a pack of Marlboros

and another seven and seven please?

Scotch, straight up.

Yeah, bring me another corolla, huh?

Did she hear me say scotch, straight up?

No.

Listen, my guys tell me that the, uh,

home improvement commission is the real thing.

It's no jackpot.

These guys can be a real pain in the ass.

And any of those scams that you guys are running...

They get wind of it,

they're gonna take your license

and it's good-bye to business.

They take away your license,

they take away your livelihood.

What kind of people are these?

Which scams are they talking about?

They got a list?

Any irregularities, you know?

You know, you sell a house

in the pretense it's a model home.

Anything else sold in the neighborhood,

they get a kickback.

Or the life magazine scam.

Yeah.

You guys know the bullshit numbers you can run.

Jeez, what a pain in the ass.

What's left?

Is this commission gonna stick around

or is it gone with the wind?

They take your license?

Yeah.

And not your car license.

Your business license, Tilley.

Don't mention cars.

Hold it, hold it... whoa, whoa.

What?

That's his car.

Come on, back it up, back it up.

Okay, okay.

Stop, stop, stop, stop!

Stop, stop.

All right, I'm gonna be right back.

I'm gonna even the score.

It's that lunatic again!

What the...

Tilley! Tilley, be careful!

Go, go, go!

Do you believe this guy?

Is he sane or what?

Isn't that something?

What's he got, a gnat up his ass?

What the hell's wrong with the guy.

Well, don't you recognize him from the corral?

I don't know the guy.

Boy, I'll never forget his merengue.

Well, I'll tell you something.

If Mr. Merengue wants to play,

we'll play.

♪

Look at you.

2:45 and home already.

What happened?

You and the fellas run out of things to talk about?

Please, I'm out there working my fingers to the bone

trying to make a living.

What's a five-letter word

for a Portuguese overseas province?

Try Macau.

That fits.

M-a-c-u...

What are you doing up so late?

I'm off tomorrow.

I think this place may be

a little too large for us.

What are you talking about? This matchbox?

It's got a lot of overhead to it.

I mean, what do you do?

Spend your time in the bedroom and the kitchen.

That's all.

Why do you need a living room and a dining room?

Why do you need a backyard?

You're not selling anything?

I'm in a slump.

It happens.

Last year, I'm number three top seller.

Year before, right up there.

I can't get my momentum going this year.

You will. You always do.

I'm not sure I like all this overhead

breathing down my neck.

I mean, you gotta a place like this,

that's a lot of overhead.

What are you talking about?

The monthly payments on your Cadillac alone

are worth more than this whole house.

Why don't you get yourself something cheaper,

like a Chevy.

Ugh.

Doesn't instill confidence in my clients.

Cadillac means you're dealing

with someone of importance.

I thought I had a couple tonight.

They just slipped away.

Just slipped... Away.

I'm gonna take a bath.

My neck's been tight since this morning.

I'll turn out the lights.

You know, Tilley,

we hardly ever do things together.

Like what?

Do fun things together that are enjoyable.

What would we do together for it to be enjoyable?

If we went on a picnic it would be fun.

I don't understand the picnic.

You go some place,

put a thing on the ground and eat.

Yeah, it's nice to do that.

Why?

I don't get it.

It's better sitting in front of the TV.

I happen to think there's something nice

about a picnic.

It's fun.

What's fun about it?

Ants get in the food.

There's bees. I don't get it.

You have to drive.

It takes you maybe an hour to get there.

And then what do you do?

You sit in the grass and eat.

Why is that fun?

I just thought it might be nice to do something together.

That's all. I thought it might be fun.

Doesn't sound like fun to me.

Would you wash my hair the way you do it?

A picnic?

Oh, it's like... It's dirty.

I don know, it's like, what do you do?

You take the food you got in the ice box.

You take it out in a field and eat it.

It's much more fun eating in front of the TV.

We do that together, don't we?

No ants, no bees.

Much more comfortable.

It's not the same thing.

Would you do it harder?

Don't get me wrong.

I'd do anything with you.

I'm just a little stymied by a picnic.

You wanna go on a picnic,

send me a postcard.

Ow!

What did I say?

Huh?

♪ When liberty valance rode to town ♪

♪ The womenfolk would hide

♪ they'd hide

♪ when liberty valance walked around ♪

♪ The men would step aside

The blue caddy.

Okay, Mr. Merengue.

Let's dance.

♪ He was mighty good

♪ from out of the east

♪ a stranger came

Yep, that was a good sale, double b.

We just got the okay on a loan.

We're in business. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This whole area has been tremendously fertile.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, I saw your car on the way in.

Yeah, looks almost brand shiny new.

Yeah, yeah, $642.

$642?

So you want to get into the tin game, Stanley?

Good money I understand.

Yeah, well, you're gonna be bumping into

a lot of strange people knocking on those doors.

Hermits that never see the outside.

Women in bathrobes.

People that are lonely

and just want to have conversations.

Kids crawling all over you.

People... people who look like they got strange diseases.

Oh, that's the worst.

Interesting.

What's the best way to qualify a mark?

Heh, I knew they'd call.

What?

Well, how do you know if you can get

the upper hand?

How do you know if you're dealing with a guy

who's in an inferior position

or a superior position to you?

How do you know?

Well, youse...

You just have to start talking.

Nah. The quick way...

Take a book of matches out of your pocket

to light your cigarette.

Drop the matches on the floor.

The guy bends down to pick 'em up for you,

you got a mark.

You got this guy in your pocket.

Guy waits for you to pick 'em up,

you got a long, hard, tough sell on your hands.

If you want to win their confidence, here...

Here's a good thing to try.

Bagel, give me a $5 bill.

You're gonna start off with a $5 bill,

which you've taken out before he's seen it, right?

So you're sitting in the living room

and you're talking.

Blah blah blah, blah-bl-blah b-b-blah.

And when he's not looking,

you drop it on the ground like that.

And blah blah blah, blah blah blah.

And when he turns around, you go...

Oh, a $5 bill.

Look at that.

Look at this.

Mr. Blah blah, would you like it back?

And two things happen right away, okay?

First thing he says, "it's not mine."

That's when you say

it must've been because

it certainly isn't mine, sir.

Or he says "thank you" and takes it.

Either case, he thinks you're an incredibly honest guy

and you're in, see?

Yeah, you're in.

Start chipping away at these people

and that's the way you get in.

Moe.

Hey.

Hey, give me the $5.

Hey, putz!

Come on, Stanley.

Let's go.

Look, Carly.

Me and Stanley like a first date.

...in your neighborhood today.

Would you be interested in seeing...

The time is your own.

You make good money.

Meet a lot of girls.

What, you got a special bargain

when you bought this car?

Comes cheaper without them windows?

Guy's playing tit for tat.

It's not my game.

Let's play some hardball.

What's going on?

Stanley, forget about it.

I'm gonna find out everything

about this son of a bitch.

And then I'm gonna find the one thing

that cuts him right to the quick.

Let's go on inside, make some calls.

Come on, b.B.

I wonder if he's married.

Could I get some help around here?

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Uh, could you tell me are these any good?

Do you know the... The television dinners?

I don't think so.

Not a lot of 'em, anyway.

They're not too good for you.

My wife just died.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Oh, I'm over it now.

It's been a very trying time, you know?

I can imagine.

Just learning how to eat again.

You know what might be healthy and satisfying

would be if you bought yourself a chicken.

You just... you pop it in the oven for a couple hours.

Put a little bit of seasoning on it.

Cook it low temperature.

It's a lot more tender that way. Chicken?

Yeah, it makes a good meal

and then you could use the leftovers for sandwiches.

But you have to sit and watch it cook.

It seems so sad, you know?

A man sitting alone in a house

watching a chicken cook.

Use a timer.

Pardon me?

Timer, you know?

Like with eggs... A timer...

Yeah, right. That's a very good idea.

He's an amazing seller.

He's got the gift.

What's the scoop?

We got 'em. You're kidding.

Take a look at that.

Are you fucking crazy?

You gave away $4,200 worth of aluminum siding free!

Sam, this is the best scam I ever thought of

in my entire life.

Oh, it's in my blood, Sam.

I'm brilliant. I'm fuckin' brilliant.

This scam is so brilliant,

I'm beside myself.

What are you talking about?

All right, here it is.

You go back into the house

and this is what you say.

Mr. Tilley's crazy.

He had a nervous breakdown.

What's that?

Well, he's been under a lot of pressure recently.

He just snapped.

I mean, it's the saddest thing you've ever seen.

Let's be honest.

Nobody gives away $4,200 worth

of aluminum siding free.

I thought it was very generous.

Sometimes the lord moves in mysterious directions.

Mysterious directions? Let me tell you something.

When I go see his boss and show him this contract,

he'll be out of this business.

He'll lose his home.

His wife and kids'll be thrown in the street.

He'll probably end up in an institution.

Why did it have to be thrown out into the street?

Well, you don't think his boss is gonna pick up

a $4,200 job, do you?

Hmm.

Can I have a cup of coffee?

Won't be a minute.

What do you say we just sit down

and try to work this out?

Maybe we could figure out something.

I'm a genius! I'm outta the slump!

We gotta celebrate. Let's go celebrate.

Let's go. Let's go.

Try to have a little laughs tonight.

I'll tell you something.

I couldn't believe you could pull it off

but you did.

This job is free.

♪ The one good thing

♪ in my life

To Mrs. Ernest Tilley.

♪ I don't know where

♪ somewhere I can't follow her

whenever it came time to measure a job,

he'd cut the yard stick and re-glue it back together.

You see? No.

He took out seven inches

so his square footage would always be higher.

That way he'd always make a few extra bucks on the job.

Are you serious?

Oh, yeah.

He'd always put his hand over the break

when it came time to measure.

Nobody...

Nobody ever looks at a yard stick

to see how long it is.

The man was a fucking genius.

I'd love to meet him.

Maybe you will someday, Stanley,

if you play your cards right.

♪ People say

♪ I should forget

♪ there's plenty more

♪ don't get upset

♪ people say

♪ she's doing fine

♪ mutual friends

♪ I see sometimes

♪ that's not what

♪ I want to hear

♪ whoo hoo hoo hoo

guy's got a million scams.

Oh, god.

Looney, it's all right.

That's not your wife.

It's safe. You could come up now.

♪ Where have you gone

♪ doo doobie doo

♪ my good thing

♪ you been gone too long

♪ doo doo doobie doo

♪ then one day

♪ she came back

♪ I was so happy

♪ that I didn't ask

♪ I should've known

♪ it couldn't last

scotch straight up?

Yeah.

Uh, scotch straight up and rum and coke for me

down the end of the bar.

Ooh, looks like there's good action here tonight, Sam.

Must be half-price night for divorced women.

This place is hoppin'.

Ah, Sammy-boy.

$2,700 sale.

"This job is free."

What a beaut, huh?

I'm outta the slump, Sam!

I'm ridin' high.

We did it, pal. I'm back!

Sam, to us.

Mm.

Whoo.

You know something, Tilley?

I'm beginning to believe in god.

Yeah, me too.

No, you don't know what I mean.

I'm beginning to give god more thought.

Well, what?

Oh, you were never one of those atheists, were you?

Me? No, no.

Look, I'm not saying that.

I'm just beginning to believe in god more.

That's all.

What'd you... What'd you do?

Have some kind of religious experience?

Yeah, well, I took my wife for lunch yesterday.

We went and had some smorgasbord

and it kind of happened.

At the sh...

You found god at the smorgasbord?

Yeah. Oh.

I go there and I see celery.

Oh, that's a good place to find god.

No, I see celery.

I see lettuce, tomatoes, cauliflower.

And I think, "all these things come out of the ground."

Yeah.

They just grow out of the ground.

Yeah.

I mean, they had corn outta the ground.

Radish outta the ground.

And you say to yourself,

"how can all these things come outta the ground?"

Yeah.

You know what I'm talking about? Yeah.

All these things are outta the ground.

No, I know. They just kind of, uh...

I mean, how can that be?

Outta the dirt all these things came.

And I'm not even getting into the fruits.

I'm just dealing with the vegetables right now.

With all these things coming out of the earth,

there must be a god.

Yeah, well, I'm not getting the same religious effect

that came over you.

I mean, I don't know why I don't feel like...

Running to a church to pray right this second.

If you know what I mean.

You gotta admit it's amazing.

Yeah, nature. Outta the ground.

Anything you name,

it's outta the ground.

I don't believe it.

Look... look over there. See that guy standing there?

- That little son of a bitch? - Yeah.

He's the guy that crashed into my car.

That's him? Look at him.

Little lord Fauntleroy.

Mr. Banana-head is here.

Who's Mr. Banana-head?

That's the crazy guy that banged into my car.

Smashed my windows in.

I don't believe it.

I'm gonna get him! Hey, wait a minute.

I'm gonna get him.

Wait, I'll go with you.

Hey, buy you a drink?

Yeah.

He vanished.

There he is.

Really? That sounds great.

You got a lot of nerve banging into my car.

But you got one hell of a lot of nerve

smashing my windows in.

Why would I want to smash your windows?

You didn't smash my windows in?

Hey, I'm a hard-working guy.

I don't go around smashing people's windows.

You did not smash my windows?

You did not smash my windows in?

You poke me one more time

and I'm gonna have to redefine your face.

Ah-ha!

Hey, wait!

Coming through.

No, no, no, no.

We don't do this inside.

We take it outside, all right?

We settle this in the parking lot.

Oh, no, you're not gonna get near my car again.

Hey, wait a minute.

I didn't even drive tonight.

You wanna duke it? Let's go.

After you.

Oh, no, after you. Thank you very much.

I'm not gonna turn my back on that son of a bitch.

Hey, hey, where you going?

Where are we going?

I'm telling you, b.B,

loot at him waltzing around, huh?

Hey, hey, where you going?

Timbuktu?

A beating's a beating no matter where you get it.

Where you going?

Is this where you want it, huh?

Yeah?

What is this? What is this?

Hey, we didn't ask for crowd, you know?

Start charging admission?

Come on, back up. Spread out.

Give me some room.

Back up, give the guy some room.

Come on, back it up.

Spread out.

Hey, ease off, ease off.

Come on, give me some room, all right?

Come on, stand back. Give him some room.

Hey, hey, ease off.

Move back. Ease off.

You ready?

Yeah, I'm ready.

You ready? You ready?

Police.

You're a lucky man. The police showed.

You think so, huh?

We'll see who's lucky.

We'll see.

Did your mother call the cops?

Pansy ass. Tough guy, aren't you?

Want Chinese?

I could go for some wonton soup.

Let's go.

Surprise!

I never expected this!

What a lovely cake!

Register him for his social security number.

Ada, if you're smart, you won't come back.

Come on, what are you waiting for?

Blow out the candles.

Well, nine candles. One for every month.

Can I have a piece?

I just decided.

I'm going out with him.

You're kidding.

No. You're kidding.

No, I'm not kidding.

You're kidding!

I have to.

I have to.

I want to know what it's like to be with someone else.

'Cause if what I got with Tilley

is as good as it gets, I just...

I gotta know.

Well, you're right.

You and Tilley aren't exactly

Jackie and john f. But you are...

Well, how are you gonna manage it?

Tilley doesn't even get in till 2:00 a.M.

I hope you know what you're doing.

I don't know what I'm doing!

You speak to some guy in the frozen food section...

Shh shh shh shh.

You could jeopardize your whole marriage.

You know, everything I've ever done my whole life

has been safe and practical.

And what's it gotten me?

Here's to who knows what.

♪ In the wee small hours

♪ of the morning

♪ while the whole wide world

♪ is fast asleep

♪ you lie awake

♪ and think about the girl

I guess I'm still a little nervous.

You wanna go home?

No.

Not right away.

You know, every time I hear Sinatra

I remember the time I was working

in Atlantic city as a busboy.

Sinatra was singing at the 500 club.

We used to say to our dates,

"you want to go over and hear Sinatra?"

Then we'd take 'em to the alley behind the club.

And we'd lean against the door and listen to the music.

I think the girls were expecting something

a little more... Uptown.

I'd go with you and lean against the door.

♪ Most... of you miss her

You got good aim.

I sure do.

May I have the number

to the Belvedere hotel, please?

But the shirt looks very nice.

I put it all together myself.

It's, like, the red is this.

The blue because of my eyes. Yeah.

John Edgar Howard room.

May I speak to Mr. Tilley, please?

Yeah, he's here.

Just a minute.

Hey, Tilley!

Somebody wants you on the phone.

Eh.

The black has got the stripes on it.

Thanks.

It's Tilley here.

Hey, asshole.

This is the ultimate fuck you.

I just poked your wife.

What are you talking about?

Yeah, she's in my bed right now

with a very big smile on her face.

Well, that's just fine by me.

She's a pain in the ass.

An albatross around my neck.

You're welcome to her. Keep her!

And may you both rot in hell.

Is this a set-up?

Oh, that son of a bitch.

He set me up.

I thought I got him. He got me.

That son of a bitch!

He set me up.

Time to hit the road, Nora.

Dresses!

Oh, your favorite suitcase.

Go on a nice little trip.

Sweaters.

I'll arrange 'em real nice.

Ah!

Oh, you need these frilly things, don't ya?

Don't ya?

Don't ya?

Ah!

Those too!

It's all gotta go!

It's all going! It's all going!

It's all going! Ah!

Out! Out!

Uhn!

Jewelry.

Gloves and scarves.

Toiletries.

Yeah.

Curlers, spray-net,

all this crap.

All right.

Fuck it.

What else?

Knitting!

Don't want to leave home without your knitting!

Handbags!

I'm a free man!

I'm a free man!

Free!

♪ In the wee small hours

♪ of the morning

♪ while the whole wide world

♪ is fast asleep

♪ you lie awake

♪ and you think about the girl

♪ and never ever think

♪ of counting sheep

♪ when your lonely heart

♪ has learned it's lesson

♪ you'd be hers if only

♪ she would call

♪ in the wee small hours

oh, my god.

♪ That's the time

♪ you miss her most

♪ of all

He must've gone crazy.

I don't know what happened, you know?

He must've found out I was with you.

I... I don't know...

I don't know what to do.

Can I stay with you a day or two?

Sure.

Sure.

Hmm.

This is mason Dixon aluminum siding calling.

There's three or four horses

I like on the whole card.

I like number two.

Tilley, in the office.

Yeah, well, gimme a minute

to get a cup of coffee, wing.

What about superhighway in the seventh race?

He's paying 7 to 1.

He ran well the last time out.

Superhighway with Gomez up.

That's good. I like that.

Number four in the fourth, 20 bucks.

Who's that?

I don't know. Just came to me.

Put my hand on my forehead.

Four in the fourth.

Number four in the fourth?

"Rider's revenge, 60 to 1."

Never been in the money.

Nice pick, Tilley.

Rider's revenge. I like that name.

It's good.

You like that name?

Putz.

Hey, we can be scientific

from now to doom's day.

Every once in a while

we gotta use our balls and go for the big one.

You know what I mean?

Tilley, it's got nothing to do with it.

You gotta take the paper, figure what the horse can do.

What their past record is.

What they're doing now.

You know what I mean?

There are things called jockeys.

They get on top of the horse.

Hey, wing.

What's up... Ow!

Hiya!

You lost a sale, Tilley.

The Hudsons' loan didn't go through.

What do you mean they wouldn't clear the loan?

Oh, this guy's a real beauty.

He's got three outstanding shoplifting charges.

Failure to pay child support in a previous marriage.

Guy's overdue on his mortgage,

overdue on his car payment,

and he just lost his job for misappropriation of funds.

What's wrong with this world?

I mean, boy, there are sick people out there.

Thievin' son of a bitch like that takes up my time,

cuts into the amount of hours I have available

to deal with other people who are interested in my wares.

What the...

There's no fuckin' sympathy

for the working man in this country.

Nobody said it was gonna be easy.

You read the paper?

What section?

Take a look at this.

"Oceanfront recreation..."

no, no, no, no, no.

Home improvement commission.

"Home improvement commission hearings begin today."

Well, what the hell is this?

Mccarthyism?

What do the expect to find? Communists?

Just go easy on the scams, Tilley.

Damn!

But bear with me a minute if you will.

Now, all right, here it is.

Here it is. Here it is.

Now when you made you initial sales pitch,

did you indicate that you would be giving

a free set of storm windows with the job?

Free storm windows?

Yes, that you would provide

a free set of storm windows

with the sale of aluminum siding.

No, sir.

I wouldn't be able to make any money

if I was giving away storm windows.

My storm windows cost me somewhere in...

The point being that you had no intention

of giving away the storm windows.

Uh, no, sir.

Storm windows, as I recall, was not the issue.

So you weren't dangling a free set

of storm windows as a come-on

to selling them the aluminum siding job?

No, sir.

I merely told the folks

that the storm windows would enhance the beauty

of their house.

What do you make of all this?

I think it's the future, Moe.

Where do you think they're getting

all this information from?

I don't know.

But any tin man gets into that hot seat,

he's had it.

They take away your license forever.

It just don't seem fair.

Boy, I bet I could sell a ton of these things.

This? Too silly lookin'.

Ever see a dealership?

Uh-uh.

Interesting.

♪ Para bailar la bamba

♪ para bailar la bamba

♪ Se necesita una poca de gracia ♪

Tilley, I found this on your desk

while I was going over some papers.

Irs?

I don't remember seeing it.

Must've left it with my other bills.

Wonder what it is.

Maybe it's a refund check.

Hmm.

Ha, no.

Says here they haven't received

my 1961 taxes.

"According to our records..."

They haven't... the didn't get my check for $4,000.

Well, there must be a clerical error.

I can't believe they spend

all this time and energy to write to me.

To single me out.

If I hear that song one more time, Sam,

I'm gonna bust.

What are you talking about?

You didn't pay your taxes?

I probably forgot.

People forget to pay their taxes all the time.

I got so many things on my mind,

it just slipped my mind.

I figured they could wait a few years.

It's not like they need my money to build a bomb.

You think they're waiting for my money

to build a new road?

What, they're sitting up there at the hill,

going, "oh, it's time go see that fella on Pimlico road.

We can't run this government without his $4,000."

This is just what I need in my life right now.

I'm in a slump,

I'm at war with a crazy pollack,

and I got the Irs on me.

It's, like, when things go wrong,

it, uh, whoo.

I'm gonna tell you something.

She's getting on my nerves now.

Who, Nora?

Yeah.

Yeah, who else is it gonna be?

"Who, Nora?"

Who else is there?

The whole idea of being with a girl

on consecutive nights is new to me, you know?

It's not like being with a girl for a night.

When they live with you,

it's like pressing the point.

They bring all these things with 'em, you know?

You go into the bathroom,

you see things you never saw before.

So what's there to do?

Well, they... they move all your stuff.

It's not where it used to be.

I'm just, uh, I'm not used to it.

You mean all this time you never lived with a girl?

Have we met?

Huh?

How long have we been partners, for crying out loud!

No, I never lived with a girl.

Boy, oh, boy.

You wake up on the wrong side of the bed today?

Yes, I did.

I came home last night

and she was sleeping on my side of the bed.

My whole life, I never got up on the left side.

I like the left side.

I came close once.

Long time ago in the Catskills,

I met a girl, Dorian.

We were together for about a week.

But no, no, no.

You see, it's not the same because...

She used to go to her room to change and to...

To do all that stuff, you know?

She didn't bring her things over to my room.

Pssh.

All this because I'm trying to get even with some guy.

You know what?

I'm gonna go see her and I'm gonna...

I'm gonna put and end to this.

Is that him?

Yeah.

Bill!

Why would you stop by?

Listen. What a surprise.

Listen, I... I have a problem.

Oh, how can I help?

Ha, well, the problem is, uh, uh...

You.

You're the problem.

Really? How so?

Well, uh...

There are these things

that are bothering me.

Like what?

Well, you know, things.

Things?

Things.

You know, stuff.

Like, uh, stuff that comes up.

Like, uh, annoyances.

Annoyances.

This is very hard to explain.

It's very...

Well, try.

All right, just as an example,

last night I came home.

I get undressed and I realize

that you were sleeping on my side of the bed.

Now this is the side of the bed

that I always sleep on, you know?

I mean, I... I've always done that.

Well, why didn't you just nudge me a little bit.

You know, ask me to go to the other side.

Because...

I didn't want to wake you up.

No, and I... I thought you'd think

it was silly or something.

Well, it's easily changed.

No, but there are other things, you know?

Bigger... Things.

Oh, boy, just talking about this now,

it sounds so... Silly.

You know, if you think all this is, um,

going too fast, maybe I should move out.

I think that's what you're trying to tell me, bill.

I really care for you,

but, you know, if you think it's best.

I don't want to make you unhappy.

I don't think we have to take any drastic action.

I wanted to get some things off my chest.

I'm glad you did.

I just wanted to talk it out.

No, you nip it in the bud.

Like adults. Yeah.

Listen, uh,

I'm gonna go catch the last couple races at Pimlico.

Wanna come?

Oh, I gotta work.

I know that.

♪ Good thing

go on, baby! Go on!

Come on, Paris red! That's it!

Make your move!

Make me $4,000 richer.

40 to 1!

Come on!

There's a guy who's got 100 bucks on ya up here.

Paris red, let's go, baby!

Come on, that's it!

That's it, ride 'em!

No! No!

$4,000, don't slip away!

No 3, no 3! Come on, baby.

Come on, ride it, you sucker!

Come on, Paris red!

Let's go, baby! Let's go!

No! No!

Jeez.

I got myself a winner.

Why don't you go to h and r block

and get your taxes straightened out?

And have some guy rake me over the coals

for spending on this and that?

No, thanks.

You got some green.

Give the government something.

Fuck 'em.

Right now I got $163 in my pocket

and I ain't partin' with it.

It's like some guy trying

to sell me life insurance.

You think I want to take money out of my pocket

to give it to some jerk

so that somebody could take it when I'm dead?

No way, Sam.

You gotta live for today.

I gonna live as good as I can every day.

You know what I'm saying?

Only too well.

Hey, Mr. Merengue went to the track.

Did you bother to bet,

or did you just hand your money to the tellers?

Ha, your sarcasm's killing me.

I thought you were looking to get even, pal.

I don't know who your accountant is, mister.

But the way I count,

you're down on the debit side.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Who's stuck with my wife,

you or me?

Okay.

Then you win.

I win?

That guy'd never let me win.

For crying out loud, let it go with that.

You win.

I couldn't have won.

I smell a rat.

What do you think if we made this

one of our factory showcase houses?

Well, what's that mean, Mr. Gable.

Well, you know what I do, Alan?

I pick certain houses that are strategically located.

We put up the aluminum siding.

And for every referral,

I give you $200.

$200?

That's right.

Now god knows how many homes we could sell

by people passing this house.

It's perfectly located for that.

Alan, put out your hand.

100, 200, 300, 400.

Alan,

I'm giving you commission on two referrals

before I even put a panel on the side of this house.

That's how confident I feel.

You think that many people are gonna...

Oh, I'm certain of it.

I'm not giving away $400 for my health.

I'm a business man.

I'm a good business man.

And this is good business for me.

I'm giving it to you because I believe in this house.

Believe it will refer other jobs to me

which is money in my pocket

which is money in your pocket.

You got a deal, Mr. Gable.

You're a wise man...

Are you?

That's great. Are you all right, sir?

Moe! Moe!

Finally got a hold of may.

She was at her sister's.

I forgot.

She'll be here right away.

B.B., I don't have any insurance.

If I die, may's got nothing.

Nothing... nothing for Leonard.

The only money I got

is what I got in my pocket.

That's all I got.

Just take it easy, Moe.

Did they sign?

Don't worry about that now.

Goddamn it, b.B., did you sign 'em?

Don't worry about it.

We'll take care of it tomorrow.

God damn, my chest hurts.

B.B., I always told you

never walk out of a place without a signature.

Someone's word ain't spit.

Look, I, uh, I never...

This is all kind of new to me.

So I thought I'd better call.

You know, to tell you I'm gonna be late.

I don't know.

Maybe, uh, two or three hours.

I never had anyone to call before,

but I thought I'd better, you know, call.

That's all.

Why?

Do you feel, like,

some kind of obligation or something?

No, no, no.

No, I-i-i don't know.

I just thought it was a good idea to call

is... is what I was gonna do.

I don't know what's gonna happen to Moe.

I hope he's okay.

I'll see you when you get in.

Yeah.

Mouse, figure this out, will you?

Why don't we just split it four ways.

No way!

Oh, whoa! Oh, whoa, whoa!

Hold it.

I didn't eat anything.

Mouse eats like an animal.

He eats enough to feed per...

Sometimes you eat more than he eats.

It'll even out.

Uh-uh! No... no... no way.

I don't... I never eat as much as him.

He always eats more than anybody else.

I'm not gonna pay for his food.

What are you talking about?

Today I happened to have some eggs and flapjacks.

Some cantaloupe. The cantaloupe was excellent.

Some juice, and then another juice.

Is that all? I'd get the truck in here.

What are you talking about?

You're like an animal.

Well, what did I have yesterday?

I don't know what you had.

What did he have, Sam.

Wait, I'll get my notebook out.

How the fuck do I know what he had?

Well, I don't remember what he had.

Gil, what did he have?

Yesterday?

Pancakes.

No.

That what did you have?

Guess.

What is this, a quiz show?

What did you have? Tell us what you had.

I had very little.

Very little. You eat like an animal.

It couldn't have been very little.

I didn't have that much.

Doesn't anybody remember?

We don't remember. I don't know why.

Coulda sworn he had pancakes.

No, he said he didn't have pancakes.

I'll give you a clue.

Maple syrup was involved.

Look, I don't give a shit.

French toast.

French toast. He had more than french toast.

Yes, but not a lot more.

Look, I don't give a damn.

We'll split it four ways, all right? Hey, Tilley.

Tilley, your wife is knocking on the window here, okay?

All right, we'll divy it up

and I'll make good for four ways.

Jesus Christ.

It was not long ago

you never would've seen a woman in here.

You don't have to tell me.

How many times did you drop me off

and come up here at all hours of the morning.

I know.

I was just trying to be congenial.

I'm not starting anything.

Let's keep the conversation

kind of nice, light, level.

It's light. Yeah.

So what's the scoop, Nora?

Well, you know,

I thought we should maybe get divorced.

Makes sense.

Want some more coffee?

Yeah, yeah, I'll have some.

Florence, could we have some more coffee here?

I'm busy. Give me a minute.

Yeah, well, it's for the best.

Yeah, yeah.

We were kind of fooling ourselves there.

Yeah, we were.

You know, we wronged somewhere along the line.

I don't know where though.

You used to make me laugh, Tilley.

You know, you used to...

Used to really make me laugh.

Yeah.

We wronged somewhere. I don't know.

We wronged, yeah.

So you really like this guy?

Yeah, yeah, I like him.

All in all,

I guess it all worked out for the best.

I'm glad you feel that way.

Yeah.

I mean, could you figure it out?

A guy bangs into my car,

thinks I did him in,

tries to get even with me by stealing my wife,

you two fall in love.

Can you figure that out?

What?

You're telling me you didn't know that was the guy?

This was that guy?

Told you I bumped into another tin man.

No, no, no, no.

He didn't tell me he was a tin man.

He said he sold baby pictures.

It's your life.

All I know is this guy's got a bent weather vane.

Oh, god.

Oh, god, not another tin man.

He didn't... he didn't tell you

he was the guy that smashed my car?

No.

Heh.

I can't believe this.

Nora, you okay?

You want me to get you a bromo-seltzer or something.

No, no, no. It's fine.

I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm sorry.

You know, this guy...

I'm telling you the guy is nuts.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

I told you he attacked me in the middle of the street.

Excuse me. I have to go.

Are you crazy?

You're a goddamn tin man!

Uh, wait a min... Wait... wait a minute!

Wait! Wait a minute!

You wanted to win me just to get even with my husband!

Screw you!

Jeez, I'd get rid of that car.

It's bad luck.

That that guy again?

It's his wife.

His wife?

It's definitely some kind of sickness

that runs in that family.

♪ Para bailar la bamba

♪ pala la bamba

♪ para bailar la bamba

♪ Se necesita una poca

♪ de gracia

♪ Una poca de gracia

is he gonna teach everybody the song now?

Oh, he's terrific.

I got a lesson with him at 3:30.

You'll both be out the window at 4:00.

Take a look at this crap.

What, the Irs?

The don't want to leave me alone.

Home improvement commission.

Serious.

What, we gotta appear?

Seems to be the gist of what they're saying.

Holy Christ.

Well, can't we ignore it.

How do they know we got the letter.

It's certified.

What do you think about this?

I don't now.

I don't know what they got.

Why are all these things happening to me?

♪ Life's been quiet

♪ since you've been gone

♪ it's no fun

♪ burning for one

still, how you been, huh?

Come on, beeb, let's dance.

No thanks, ruby.

My dancing shoes are on holiday.

Are you sure?

More than sure.

So who's the best you ever saw?

Best what?

The best tin man I ever saw?

Well, Harry Fenerman, Andy Flynn

had a couple of good lines.

But they burned themselves out too fast.

Best tin man I ever saw was Moe.

Moe is the best there ever was.

Get into the door, he had a sale.

What are some of the scams...

God damn, Nora.

God damn, I'm trying to adjust, you know.

I'm trying to put up with things

I never put up with before in my life.

Give me a break.

Gimme a break, woman.

What are some of the hustles you and Moe used...

It's gonna be real pleasant.

Figure that.

More than pleasant.

Ah, hell with her.

What is it made Moe so good?

I bet she went home to her husband.

Could you tell me some of the stories about Moe?

What time does this say?

It's about 11:30. It's early.

He wouldn't be home yet.

Here.

Here, take that.

Let me pay for the, uh,

what do you call it?

I'll see you, Stanley.

They got no right.

You know what I'm saying, Sam?

They got no right.

Commission.

Listen to me.

They got nothing concrete against us

because it was just hearsay stuff.

It's neither here nor there.

Where's my car?

Why am I not in my car?

What happened to my car?

It's better I drop you off.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, headache, headache, headache.

He's not here.

The blue caddy.

I knew I could smell a rat.

The son of a bitch is coming for me.

Wanna rob my house?

I'll make it easy for you.

Come on. Rob Tilley.

Take everything he's got.

Come on.

Hello?

Tomatoes.

Celery.

That's Nora's.

Meat.

I'll save that for tomorrow.

Eggs.

Ah!

Hmm.

Come on.

Come on, wake up.

Ugh.

Come on, wake up.

You're a sick man.

You smash my car.

You steal my wife.

And now you come to rob me.

You're one demented human being.

Eh eh eh.

I'm gonna call the police and send you to jail.

But first,

I'm gonna humiliate you.

What do you want to break into my house for?

This ain't the fuckin' Rockefeller mansion.

There ain't 38 television sets here.

It ain't like somebody saying,

"nelson, I think we've had a break-in.

"Count the sets to see

how many we got left."

It ain't like there's tons of jewelry

hanging out of the drawers.

Or I don't know which watch

to put on in the morning

I got so many.

I got enough problems

with the Irs bullshit bustin' my balls

and the home improvement commission to contend with.

I don't need aggravation from you.

How do you like your eggs, Babowsky?

Over easy?

A guy breaks into my house

and I'm being charged with assault.

It makes no sense.

Let's get it down right.

Yeah, let's... yeah.

A guy broke into your house. Mm-hmm.

You hit him in the head with a gun.

Correct.

Went to the refrigerator. Right.

Took out eggs and tomatoes.

Exactly.

And threw them at him.

Yeah, I was defending myself.

He was coming to steal from me.

That doesn't sound like defense t me.

Well, I wanted to humiliate the guy.

Here I am out busting my ass all day long,

trying to make an honest living.

And I come home and some Shmuck is stealing from me.

So you hit him with a gun

and pelted him with eggs and tomatoes.

Yeah, I'd have thrown soup at him

if I had any soup.

Is there a law says you can't throw eggs?

Mr. Babowsky claims he didn't break into your house.

Well, what did I do?

Invite him in so I could throw eggs at him?

Maybe Mr. Babowsky intended to break into your house.

But these circumstances of him being pelted

with eggs and tomatoes

is something we need to look into.

I can't believe this.

This guy throws eggs at me

and, uh, and, uh, I'm having breakfast with him.

You're gonna sit down with this guy

and come to some kind of settlement, you understand?

All right, all right, all right.

You gotta put an end to this thing.

Now sit on the paper.

I put paper out there for you.

I don't want you getting that egg

all over my leather seats.

Oh, boy, you know, I... I...

Okay, all right.

Eh, here.

Take your feet off the rug.

What do you want me to do with my feet?

Just suspend 'em up in the air, all right?

Oh, god, I got such a headache.

I just cleaned the rug.

All right, uh,

let me tell you what I'm willing to do.

I'm gonna drop all the charges against you.

And we'll... we'll wipe the slate clean.

I appreciate it.

You see how easy it is to clear it up?

Okay, that's it?

That's an end to it?

All right, let's eat.

Yo, hon.

All right, here's your check.

I don't know how the slate gets wiped clean

when he breaks into my house and I'm the one charged.

N-n-n-n-no.

I told you I was not breaking into your house.

I was looking for you wife.

Hey, I thought we were gonna put it to bed.

Are we gonna put it to bed or what?

It's over. It's over.

All right?

Too tired.

Slate's clean.

Clean as a whistle.

What'll you have?

Um, I'd like, uh, eggs over.

Hash browns. Toast toasted dark.

Butter on the side.

Large grapefruit juice and some coffee.

On second thought,

instead of the eggs over,

if I order soft-boiled eggs, how do you do it?

You take 'em out of the shell

or you leave 'em in the shell?

We leave them in the shell.

Well, I don't like it that way.

It's hot in the hand.

It's hard to scoop the stuff out.

It's not good.

You get little bits of shell in there.

Doesn't taste good.

Whattaya say you just, uh order some eggs

and let it go at that, all right?

Listen, if I'm gonna order,

at least I oughta be content with my food.

I'm a little hungry, you know?

And I got a headache and I got egg all over me.

Why don't you say you just order some eggs

and let some other people eat

before the lunch trade comes in.

Why do I need a man telling me

what I should or shouldn't eat, huh?

Look.

This isn't a four-star restaurant, you know?

You're not, uh,

not gonna have a gourmet meal here.

You're just ordering some breakfast.

And that's all.

Well, it so happens, for your information,

I've never eaten in this restaurant before

and I don't know how they do their eggs.

You see?

If they're over easy and they're gooey,

I'm not happy with it.

And if they leave

the soft-boiled eggs in the shell,

I'm not happy with that either.

You understand?

Can I have french toast and a cup of coffee?

What do you want, bagel?

Hey, hey, whoa, whoa.

Wait a minute.

Excuse me, I'm ordering here.

At least have the courtesy

to let a man order his breakfast.

French toast and a cup of coffee please.

Sam, the guy gets on my nerves.

From day one he got on my nerves.

I knew it then, I know it know. Oh, I am...

I'm back to pressing charges against this guy.

Oh, you want to play that way, huh?

Is that the way you want to play?

Well, this game ain't over, mister.

It ain't over.

Hey, hey, hey.

You want to put a stop to this right now, huh?

Because I am ready right now.

Right now! Let's go!

You're ready? I'm ready!

You're ready now? Let's finish it now!

Come on, let's finish it!

Get the people with the straightjackets.

This man is out of control.

Come on, let's finish it. Come on!

Yeah? Yeah? Come on!

I'm not finished. Let's get outta here.

I'm not finished with him, Sam.

I'm not finished with you, mister.

You hear me? Huh, you hear me?

You're not gonna prove nothing here.

Aw, come on!

Come on, come on.

That was french toast and a...

Cup of coffee.

Ugh, Nora.

Real pain in the ass, you know that?

I mean it. She's a real pain in the ass.

It's worse now than when she used to be around.

You wanna hear something?

The other night at the corral club,

I turned down a dance.

You turned down a dance?

What do you think the odds are on that?

100 to 1 b.B. Don't dance.

100 to 1 against.

I'm getting out of the business, b.B.

I got nothing to show for all this.

Lotta good times, Moe.

Yeah, a lot of good times.

You can't eat good times.

My brother-in-law's offered me

a job at Hess shoes.

I think I'm gonna take it.

Eh, you go to work in the morning.

You come home at night.

They got medical benefits.

I get to be assistant manager.

That's it?

That's the way you're gonna spend your day, huh?

Measuring people's feet.

Well, sir, you have a high arch.

I think you need something in an alligator.

With a wingtip.

Not a lot to talk about all day.

You're the best tin man that ever was.

It's all over, b.B.

It's over.

You know, when I saw bonanza the other day,

something occurred to me.

You got these four guys living on the Ponderosa.

And you never hear them say anything

about wanting to get laid.

Huh.

I mean, you never...

You never hear hoss say to little Joe,

"I had such a hard-on when I woke up this morning."

No, no, no. Sam, come on.

They don't talk about broads, nothing.

You never... yeah, you never hear little Joe

say, "hey, hoss,

"I went to Virginia city and I saw a girl

with the greatest ass I've ever seen in my life."

They just walk around the Ponderosa.

"Yes, pa. Where's little Joe?" Nothing about broads.

I don't think I'm being too picky.

But if least once they talked about getting horny.

I don't care if you live on the Ponderosa

or right here in Baltimore,

guys talk about getting laid.

I'm beginning to think that show

doesn't have too much realism.

What do you think?

Sam, I can't concentrate on the bonanza bullshit.

I got too much on my brain.

What with that asshole

and the home improvement commission.

I don't want to have to worry about

whether little Joe got laid last night, all right?

Come on, let's go and eat something.

All right, we'll go to a smorgasbord.

We'll get something to eat.

That's it.

God, if you're responsible

for all this stuff down here,

maybe you got a moment's attention for me.

Between the Irs,

this home improvement commission,

and Mr. Merengue,

I'm just up to here with all this bullshit.

To be frank with you,

I'm in the toilet.

Listen, uh, I'm praying here.

Would you go around.

I wanted to get some of the salad.

It's out of order.

Go around.

Like, just do what you can, all right?

I'd appreciate it.

Amen.

Didn't you approach Mr. Bolachevski

in august 18, 1961

while he was cutting his front lawn,

and tell him that his house had been selected

as one of only 16 homes in the state of Maryland

for a free aluminum siding job?

What was that name again?

Bolachevski.

Uh, it doesn't ring a bell.

Does it ring a bell to you, Sam?

Doesn't ring a bell with me either, sir.

Didn't you suggest

that for a nominal labor charge,

he would receive over $5,000 worth

of aluminum siding?

That's an awful lot for nothing.

Doesn't sound like good business to me.

Mr. Bolachevski was ultimately charged

$2,400 for labor,

which according to our figures

is about the average cost

of an aluminum siding job.

I don't get the point of this.

What we're getting at here...

The point we'd like to stress

is that the job was sold under false terms.

The man didn't win any award.

He wasn't getting aluminum siding

at that special price.

A clear case of deception is involved here.

What's he talking about?

The man got the job

for $2,400?

Which is what it costs in aluminum siding.

Got his money's worth. Yeah.

Um, ahem.

I don't know.

I mean, we have no recollection of this particular job.

Um, but I don't know if this is deception.

I mean, look.

If you work in a clothing store.

A guy tries on a suit that looks like shit.

And you tell him, "wow, it's wonderful."

I mean, there's a guy standing there

looking like a sack of shit.

And the salesman says,

"oh, what a beautiful suit."

Now that's deception.

As far as I can say.

If the man buys the suit,

I mean, you've deceived the man.

I mean, do I make myself clear?

I'll go along with that as well.

I... I can't really see

the deception that you're saying

that we're responsible for.

Excuse us one minute.

Thank you very much, gentlemen.

Should there be a reason

to call you back in the future,

we'd like to reserve that right.

Well, I'm glad we good be of service.

Thank you.

We beat 'em, Sam.

We beat 'em. Piece of cake.

They got nothing on us.

Clean as a whistle.

I need a drink. I hate inquisitions.

I like the story about the suit.

Ms. Ribido?

Hi, I represent the Gibraltar aluminum siding company

and we're going to have

A representative in your neighborhood today.

Would you be interested...

Would you be interested in seeing the benefits

of our aluminum product?

Nora Tilley, please.

Uh, um...

Social security.

I don't know.

She's, uh, she's up there

somewhere on the third floor.

She's got a... Whattaya call it?

A desk up there.

Stanley,

can I help you look for something in there?

No, no, just making myself busy.

Well, I wouldn't to that.

Bagel don't like nobody lookin' in the files.

Mrs. Tilley.

Nora, this is b.B.

Uh-huh.

I need to talk to you.

I don't want to see you anymore.

Give me a chance to explain.

I don't want to listen.

You owe me that. I don't owe you anything.

It was a lousy thing to do, okay?

It was a lousy thing to use you

to get back at your husband.

But the fact is I never would've met you otherwise.

It was a lousy thing.

It was a disgusting, terrible thing.

But a lot of good came out of it.

Would you just tell me something?

Just tell me what kind of person

comes up with such a devious thing.

I'm not such a nice guy all the time, okay?

I admit that.

I have a lot of training in deceit, you know?

It's an occupational hazard.

I want to know what it is about me

that I have to fall for tin men.

I mean, what kind of character flaw do I have?

I didn't want to come here, you know?

I didn't want to have to ever see you again.

I got this far in my life without ever having

this kind of stuff happen to me, you know?

I was doing okay in my life.

I was sailing along pretty good, you know?

And then all of a sudden I decided

to... to get even with some crazy guy

and I'm... I'm, uh...

I'm here.

The wet becomes you.

Gets rid of some of the slickness.

I hate the fact that I'm not in control of this stuff.

But if I gotta have this stuff in my life, well...

I guess I have no choice.

I wanna...

You know?

I want to be with you, okay?

Okay, I said it.

I said it and I'm glad.

I want to be with you.

Because I miss you.

And I love you.

And I want to marry you.

And that's that.

I was hoping for something a little more romantic.

But okay.

♪ Social security

♪ every time we're together

♪ ah ha

♪ I'll be good to her

♪ she'll be good

I don't understand this.

The broad smashes his car.

He takes her dancing.

Must be a dating ritual I'm not familiar with.

You gonna come home with me tonight?

I don't know.

All my stuff's over at Nellie's.

The other side of town.

And?

I'll tell you what.

I'll go back to the house.

There's a few things I left behind.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'll spend the night.

B.B.'S a pretty good tin man though, huh?

Pretty good?

Jeez, the man's what legends are made of.

Started selling pots and pans door to door

when he was 16.

Nothing he can't sell.

I'm glad this is working out.

You're really happy, huh?

Yeah.

You don't show a great deal of exuberance, you know.

Well, honey, for me, I'm a parade.

"United states government seizure."

What happened?

Irs.

They need my furniture.

The got a living room somewhere in the country

that needs to be furnished.

They're taking the furniture?

Furniture, the whole house.

Locked it up.

Confiscated it.

Well, what do you expect, you know?

You expect some preferential treatment?

You're some special case?

You gotta pay your taxes just like everyone else

has to pay their taxes.

Oh, no, this seems to be a responsibility

you just can't get a handle on.

Well, I was doing pretty good there for a while.

Had my house, had a wife,

Cadillac.

Still got the Cadillac.

So where are you gonna sleep?

I'll stay at Sam's for a couple nights

until I get set up.

What are you doing here anyway?

Well, I thought there might just be a couple things

you didn't throw out of the house.

I couple things, you know, I didn't find on the lawn.

I don't know.

I did a pretty good house cleaning number on you.

Listen, about the divorce.

You wanna file or should I file?

Nora, I gotta level with you.

This guy is nuts.

He told me all about it.

All about you threw eggs at him.

He told you it was about eggs?

No, not it was about it.

The guy tried to break into my house

and steal things from me.

He was looking for me.

We had an argument.

If you marry this guy,

it'd be the biggest mistake

you ever made in your life.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

It's not for you to make decisions for me.

I think I should.

I think you're being misled.

I think... I think you're confused.

I know what I'm doing.

Nora, I know about guys.

Yeah, well, I appreciate your concern.

But it's not for you to make decisions for me.

But this guy is about as bad a choice

as you could make.

Bad choice.

You're a good one to give advice.

Look at you.

You're sitting on your porch, locked out of your house.

You can't even pay your taxes.

And you want to give me advice on life?

I'm not giving you a divorce and that's it.

I'm looking out for your welfare.

No divorce.

Lo...

It's for your own benefit

and you'll thank me for it.

My benefit?

You don't give a damn about me.

You don't give a damn about who I marry.

The reason you don't want me to marry him

is because he's the man taking your wife.

And you got... You got this thing with him.

It has nothing to do with me.

That's all. That's all.

You don't care about me.

It's the same bullshit you're doing.

That's the way it always is with you, Tilley.

It's always you. It's you.

The Irs, they're taking your house.

They're taking your furniture.

You don't say anything about

my things in the house, you know?

I got things in that house

I worked damn hard for.

Things that were given to me by my family.

The headboard was given to me by aunt Josephine.

That's gotta be at least 100...

You know, 50 years old, or...

You know, it's old!

And the hand-embroidered footstool, and...

What footstool?

The hand-embroidered footstool over by the TV, you...

I don't remember seeing that.

It's granny's.

It's been there forever.

It belonged to my granny.

It's been there forever?

I've never seen it.

That's the way it is with you, Tilley.

You just... it doesn't mean anything to you.

You don't care if they take it all away.

It's all you, Tilley.

Huh.

It's all it's ever been.

Hand-embroidered footstool?

Thanks for the lift back, b.B.

Okay, Stanley.

See you around.

You know something, Stanley?

I could always smell a man that's not made of tin.

Stealing files is against the law.

I could call the cops right now.

You'd be in jail.

No, uh... I'll... I'll put it back

and nobody's the wiser.

You're from the commission, aren't you?

The commission doesn't have enough information, huh?

They gotta hire guys like you to snoop around?

We're just starting out.

If I can get some good, hard facts of some infractions,

then we'll have credibility in the community.

You know what your big problem is, Stanley?

You're lazy.

You want to find out some stuff?

Did it ever occur to you to pick up a phone

and develop a lead, huh?

Canvas... that's what we do all the time.

It doesn't occur to you, does it, Stanley?

Because you're lazy.

You think we did something wrong,

why don't you collect your evidence

in a legal manner?

But you don't like that, do you?

You want to snoop around.

You want to steal some files.

What is this?

Elliot Ness or something?

Ee!

What's going on here?

Huh?

Think this is some big time drug ring, Stanley?

What do you think,

you're infiltrating the mafia?

We're just a bunch of guys trying

to sell some aluminum siding, for crying out loud.

If you want some files,

I'll give you some files.

Some of the jobs that I've done.

Leave Moe out of it.

He's quit the business.

Why are you doing this?

Well, maybe if I talk to him another day,

he'll change his mind.

You know, he's like that.

I mean, one day, he's one way.

Another day, he's another way.

There's no need to talk to him.

He's probably pretty upset, you know?

About the Irs taking the house and stuff.

Ever see a Volkswagen?

Huh?

You know, one of those little cars.

What does that have to do with anything?

Nothing.

I just think they're interesting.

♪ Wishing and hoping

♪ and thinking and praying

Hey, Tilley, Mr. Merengue is here.

♪ That won't get you into his arms ♪

♪ To find love

♪ you can share

♪ all you gotta do

can I talk to you in private,

or do we have to talk over 14 pool tables?

♪ Show him that you care

♪ just for him

♪ do the things he likes to do ♪

♪ Wear your hair

♪ just for him

♪ 'cause you won't get him

okay, uh,

we got enough going down between the two of us, I know.

But the fact of the matter

is I love your wife and I want to marry her.

Well, I don't care who she marries.

But I don't want her marrying you.

You think we could discuss this

in a nice, rational manner?

Rational?

You're gonna be rational?

Look, I know we have a problem.

But I'd like to try to isolate

this one particular situation.

Isolate, huh? Isolate.

I like this kind of talk.

What the hell nonsense is that?

Well, what are you trying

to gain from this thing here, huh?

Oh, well, wait a second.

I gotta isolate that for a moment

and think it over.

You know, nobody benefits from making me mad.

You oughta hear yourself, pal.

You know that?

You oughta listen to the way you talk.

You come in here, you want to take my wife.

You want to isolate this situation.

You want to be rational.

I got no tolerance for you, mister.

You know what I'm saying?

So I gather what you're saying

is that there's no use uh, discussing this.

Is that it?

You like pool?

I enjoy the game.

Why don't we play a little game of eight ball?

If I lose, I consent to the divorce.

If you lose,

you give up Nora.

Walk away from her.

Rack 'em.

Hey, Wayne.

Tilley.

Wasn't that the goof from the commission?

Masters, yeah.

What the hell's he doing hanging around here.

Wants some information.

I nailed his ass good.

Yeah? Whoo!

Can't lay a finger on me.

Oh, you should've seen me.

I was respectful, courteous.

But I was slippin' and slidin'.

They couldn't touch me.

Listen, Tilley, I got a real problem.

Let me buy you a drink.

All right.

Hope it's not a big problem.

You're gonna sell me out to the commission?

Wing, am I hearing this right?

I'm front with you on this.

I'm up front with you on this, Tilley.

I got my balls in a vice. What am I gonna do?

Is this because of the money I owe you?

I mean, are you just pissed?

Tilley, this has got nothing to do with the money.

You're gonna sell me out?

You're gonna let 'em bury me?

Jesus Christ, wing.

Jesus Christ.

I'm not gonna be able to work in this business?

Wing, this is my chosen field.

Masters was gonna tear this company apart.

You're the low man on the totem pole.

There's a lot of guys making a good living.

There's no sense for the whole thing to go up in smoke.

You understand, Tilley?

It's just business.

Jesus Christ.

You're in for over two grand on the books.

I'll tell you what. I'll wipe the slate.

And here.

I'll give you a thou...

To get set up.

I can't do any better than that.

You sell me out for a lousy $3,000.

$3,000 and I gotta go down the toilet?

Jesus, wing.

I mean, how long the two of us

been bustin' our asses together, huh?

We got a history to this relationship,

for christ's sake.

Masters comes along,

puts a little squeeze on you,

and you sell me out.

$3,000.

The bottom line, Tilley,

is this is just business.

Here.

It's another deuce.

I carried you for a long time, Tilley.

I've done a damn sight more

than a lot of other guys would've done for you

and I don't see any gratitude from you.

You could finish up when you like.

I'm sorry, Tilley.

It's the way of the world.

♪ Ooh ooh

♪ whoa oh oh oh ooh ooh

♪ ooh ooh oh oh

♪ Ooh ee

♪ as hard as it is

♪ As hard as it is

♪ whoa oh

♪ as hard as it is

♪ oh no

♪ as hard as it is

Bill, better hurry up.

Everything's ready.

I can't believe you're up so early.

This is a rare occasion.

Yeah, I got some business I have to attend to downtown.

Toast'll be ready in a second.

If this thing's working, I don't know.

Nora.

I lied to you the other day.

How so?

I went to see Tilley about the divorce.

He wasn't very reasonable and, uh,

you know, one thing led to another.

So we decided finally to shoot some pool

to decide the matter.

What?

We decided to shoot some pool, you know?

If I won, he would give you up.

And if I lost, I would give you up.

You shot pool for me?

I had no choice.

That's the most despicable thing

I've ever heard in my whole life.

I mean, that's disgusting.

Shooting pool to determine my future!

Nora, I had no choice.

The toast is ready.

Get it yourself!

Hey, I'm only trying to be honest, you know?

I'm to, uh, tell you what's on my mind.

What's on my conscience, you know?

Which one of these things is yours?

Well, why don't you eat both of 'em?

Maybe you can choke to death on one of 'em.

How could be so...

How could you not understand how wrong that...

I don't understand this mentality!

I mean, shooting pool for me, it's insane!

It's nuts!

Look, Tilley is not the most rational guy

in the world, you know what I mean?

I tried talking to him and he wouldn't listen to me.

So what are my options?

I'm asking you. Huh?

What are my options?

I can't believe you had to shoot pool for me.

I mean, do you understand how crazy that is?

Look at you. You're eating eggs.

You're... you're eating eggs like you're casually...

Like this normal business in life here, you know?

Like some feudal lord or something

you read about in history.

All right, all right, I'm sorry.

What happened?

I lost.

You lost?

I blew the eight ball.

You lost? Yep.

What does that mean you lost?

It means I'm supposed to give you up.

Means I'm supposed to never see you again.

Will you stop eating your eggs for a minute!

How can you tell me things like this

and casually eat your eggs?

What does this mean, bill?

It means I'm supposed to never see you again

to honor my part of that agreement.

But I'm not that honorable a guy.

I gotta go.

Well, wait a minute.

Quit going so fast here.

I told you I got some business downtown.

Wanna have some dinner tonight?

Isn't that what we planned?

Yeah.

You gotta testify, huh?

You?

Yeah.

Got a lawyer?

Nah.

I already testified once.

Beat 'em before, I'll beat 'em again.

You got a high-priced mouthpiece to speak for you?

No, I don't need one.

I don't expect to win.

How so?

I gave 'em some pretty incriminating evidence.

You Ga them evidence?

Yeah, it was the only way I could think of

to get out of this business.

That's a good one.

Yeah.

So how's Nora?

She's doing okay.

Ernest Tilley, please come forward.

Take good care of her.

Was it the heat of the sales pitch on September...

August 17th of this year

that made you write across a contract

"this job is free?"

As I remember,

no sale was made concerning those customers.

Deal fell out because

the loan couldn't be arranged.

But the people did agree in principle.

The point we'd like to stress is you misled these people.

You told 'em the job was free,

then you sent in your closer with some cover story

about how you'd suffered a nervous breakdown.

The sale is ultimately made for $2,477.

I don't know. It just came over me.

Might've been something I ate.

Well, we have other specific examples

of deceptive sales practices on your behalf

concerning a job carried out by you December 11, 1962.

You violated sections 2-4-1, 2-4-7.

October 9, 1962,

violations of 2-5-1, 2-5-7 took place.

What are all these numbers?

I mean, I'm not aware of all these section violations.

The feeling of this commission to these violations

is severe infraction of the home improvement laws

and therefore constituted misuse of the license

to sell aluminum siding as approved by the state.

It's the decision of this commission

to revoke your license to sell aluminum siding

to prohibit you from practicing in the state of Maryland.

Are you sure?

I mean, maybe you guys want to talk this over.

Thank you, Mr. Tilley.

That'll be all.

You may hand in your license

to the clerk of the commission on your way out.

Who's next?

Shit.

William Babowsky, please come forward.

Mr. William Babowsky, please come forward.

You have the right to have a lawyer present

if you so wish.

I do not wish.

Hey, mister.

Yeah?

Have a car parked right there?

Yeah, what about it?

A man came and took it.

Who took it?

Tax man.

Tax man?

How do you know it was a tax man?

He gave me a dollar to tell you so.

Fuckin' Irs.

How low can you get?

How... how fuckin' low can you get?

I mean, what kind of people take a man's car?

Sorry about your license.

Yeah.

You?

Sorry to hear it.

What are you doing standing there?

That's where my car used to be.

Stolen?

Irs.

The bandits.

Need a ride?

I could use one.

Some bullshit commission, huh?

Yeah.

Tell me, where's it written in the constitution

where it says a man can't hustle for money, huh?

Where's it written?

I mean, it's not like I went into an alley,

got a brick and whacked the guy over the head with it.

Think I went into somebody's house

and stole his stuff?

I mean, all I'm doing is selling!

Where's the crime in that?

Yeah, I don't know what the country's coming to.

Your telling me?

I don't know what the country's coming to.

You want to know what our big crime is?

We're nickel and dime guys.

Just small-time hustlers.

We got caught because we were hustling nickel and dime.

Nickels and dimes.

You got a good point there, b.B.

You're right on the money with that kind of thinking.

Nickels and dimes. Hmm.

Nickels and dimes.

Nickels and dimes.

You know, we gotta start thinking

about a new business to get into.

No. Huh.

It's very hard to find something new to get into.

Maybe. Maybe not.

Yeah, I'll put on my thinking cap.

Come up with something new.

You and me, it's just a matter of time.

We'll think of something.

Yeah. Oh, no, matter of time.

We'll get it.

Hey, did you hear?

Rumor has it there's

a whole new Cadillac coming out.

What? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're gonna redo all the fins.

You're kidding. New lines, you think?

Real beaut. Ooh.

Yeah, this is what a guy told me.

Ooh, maybe I should put in my order right away.

Those things are gonna go like hotcakes.

Oof.

What are you talking about?

You don't got a pot to piss in.

You give me the pot, I'll fill it.

I got an idea. What?

What were you gonna say?

No, no, no, you go first.

Come on. No, no, no, you go first.

Um, I'm thinking. What was your idea?

I want to hear it.

Hey, you're a guest. What is it?

Oh, I'm a guest. I got an idea, but you...

No, tell me what your idea was

and then I'll tell you mine.

Go one. Well, what is it?

This is irritating.

Please, just go ahead and tell me...

Well, I want to hear your idea.

I'll tell you what. We'll flip for it.

Okay, there you. Whattaya got?

Two out of three.

I got heads.

Whattaya got?

What do I got?

You told me you had heads?

♪ When I met my sweet Lorraine ♪

♪ Lorraine Lorraine

♪ The one good thing

♪ in my life

♪ has gone away

♪ I don't know why

♪ she's gone away

♪ I don't know where

♪ somewhere I cannot follow her ♪

♪ The one good thing didn't stay too long ♪

♪ Whoo-hoo hoo-hoo

♪ my back was turned

♪ and she was gone

♪ good thing where have you gone ♪

♪ Do-do-be-do

♪ my good thing

♪ you been gone too long

♪ do-do do-do-do

♪ people say

♪ I should forget

♪ there's plenty more

♪ don't get upset

♪ people say

♪ she's doin' fine

♪ mutual friends I see here sometime ♪

♪ That's not what I want to hear ♪

♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo

♪ I wanna hear that she wants me near ♪

♪ Good thing

♪ where have you gone

♪ do-do-be-do

♪ my good thing

♪ you been gone too long

♪ do-do-do-be-do

♪ then one day

♪ she came back

♪ I was so happy that I didn't ask ♪

♪ I should've known

♪ it didn't last

♪ mornin' came all too fast ♪

♪ Mornin' came into my room ♪

♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo

♪ caught me dreaming like a fool ♪

♪ Good thing, where have you gone ♪

♪ Do-do-be-do

♪ my good thing

♪ you been gone too long

♪ do-do-do-be-do

♪ good thing

♪ where have you gone

♪ do-do-be-do

♪ my good thing

♪ you been gone too long

♪ do-do-do-be-do

♪ my, my, my, my good thing

♪ where have you gone

♪ my good thing

♪ yeah, my good thing ♪