All language subtitles for Things.Like.This.2025.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-English

- Are you leaving?

I was gonna make us cookies.

- I'm on a diet, green
juice and that's it.

- Okay,
you're always on a diet.

- It's called
being healthy,

not like you know
anything about that.

- It's called
hating everything good

about life, like cookies.

- Listen,
there's something

that we need to talk about.

- Okay, don't tell me

that you hate sex now, too.

- No, I don't hate sex.

- Okay, good.

- I just hate it with you.

- Oh.

- It's nothing personal,
I'm just now realizing it,

I'm not physically
attracted to you.

You're really just not my type.

- No, I get it, it's like
I'm cool, but I'm ugly.

- I didn't say that.

- But you meant it.

- Just to me.

I'm sure there are
plenty of guys out there

that'll find you attractive,
I'm just not one of them.

- Wow.

- I think it's
just, like, the fact

that I'm much hotter than you.

Like, normally with most
guys, we're both hot,

but with you, I'm
just, like, the prize.

You're like a Winnie-the-Pooh,
adorable but with a tummy,

and you never have pants on.

I just wanted you to understand
where I was coming from

because I'd be an asshole
if I didn't explain it.

- Right, right, right,
right, you'd be an asshole

if you didn't tell
me how much I suck.

- Exactly, see?
- Yeah.

- I'm glad you get it.

I mean, it'd be one thing

if you had a great
personality, but-

- Oh, this is a
really good talk.

- You're funny, but you're rude,

and you really shouldn't
be rude if you're fat.

- Leave now.

- You see, you're
trying to kick me out

when I'm just trying to
give you some honesty.

- You're right,
I'm the asshole here.

- Well, goodbye, Zack.

I hope you can get
your life together.

- I hope you live a happy life

with all the green
juice you desire.

I hate men.

- I mean, he's not
wrong, sorry, just,

you've been a little all
over the place lately.

All right, I'll be
honest, you're a mess.

You've turned into a
complete degenerate, Zack.

- A degenerate?

- Like, you're wearing
clothes from middle school,

like that hat from
Camp Bernstein.

You stopped going
there when you were 14.

- Yeah, but I have great
memories there, Kenny.

- All right, well, you know,

can't you have great memories
and get some new clothes?

If I hadn't walked in on you
fucking a dude on my couch,

I would have never
guessed that you are gay.

- Well, I am, and
also I'm sorry,

and also I'm sorry I never
said sorry until right now.

- Hey, it was two years ago.

- I'm sorry.

- All right, look, I love you,

but this whole thing you got
going on is really not okay.

You've got to seriously
figure your life out,

and soon, because I'm
tired of paying your rent.

- Yeah, but it's just
until I sell my book-

- No, Zack, it's
been a year, dude.

I've been paying it for a year.
You've gotta get a job.

I've been looking for someone
to manage my social media-

- No, no, I'd rather die,
plus my 112 followers need me

to tell them about vampires, so.

- All right, well, then
just find something

that makes you happy, please.

- Miss Kitlin's office.

Yes, please hold.

Miss Kitlin's office.

Yes, of course, all right.

Miss Kitlin's office.

Yes, I will let her know.

Yes, of course, bye.

- Lunch?

- I can't, Margie's got a
client coming in during lunch.

- Hmm, typical.

- I will eat later.

- You always say that.

- I will.

- Mm-mm, you need to eat.

You're looking like "Jack and
the Beanstalk,"

and I'm not talking about Jack.

- I look like a
beanstalk, hilarious.

- What about drinks afterwards?

- I'm meeting Eric.

- Oh, are you still dating him?

- He's my boyfriend.

- He's so boring, my
god, he's so boring

that I daydream about sleeping
when I'm talking to him.

- It's not like he's a new guy.

We've been together
for two years.

- And every day is
another mistake.

- That is just your opinion.

- No, you think that too, okay?

You just date because
he's safe, and guess what?

He won't break up with
you and you love that

because you can't deal
well with rejection.

- How do you know that?

- Oh, please, I see how
upset you get every day

when Margie hates on your ideas.

- Well, I'm very happy, so.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, deal with that.

- Okay, well, one day
you're gonna be married

with four cats, with no plans

for the 12th Friday in
a row except for Netflix

and that god-awful
stew he makes.

- Oh, god, not stew.

- Can you just trust me, okay,
'cause I can see the future.

That's why I'm your best friend.
- Oh, you are?

- Oh, yes, honey,

people just wish they
were as lucky as you.

- Uh-huh, I bet.

- Zack, come in here.

- Ooh, you gotta go, have fun.

- Having so much fun.

- Zack, sit.

- Yes, Margie.

- There's a showcase tonight
and I need you to go for me.

- Yes, absolutely.

- But they're paying me to go,

so the check that you get needs

to be on my desk
tomorrow morning.

- Yep, you've got it.

- And Zack.

- Yes, Margie?

- Don't call in anyone.

I'm tired of you believing
in people, it's exhausting.

- I don't get it, you've
liked every single person

that I've brought in.

- Yes, and I haven't signed
a single one of them.

- And I don't understand why.

- And you'll never
understand, just leave now.

- You got it.

- Why'd you have
to start dating an actress?

They're the worst.

- Oh, stop, she's
cool, you'll like her.

- Chances are I'll hate her.

I hated the last actress I met.

- Are you talking about
the time you threw up

on Michelle Pfeiffer at brunch?

- She was so rude and
I said I was sorry.

- You weren't
even sitting near her.

- Okay, but I was
trying to get outside,

and then she shrieked
and screamed.

I hated her, I hate actresses,

and I don't know
why you date them.

- Wait, what about me?
You like me, right?

- Yes, Peter, I like you,
you're not an actress.

- Yeah, but you'd
still like me even

if I wasn't dating Chloe?

- Yeah, once again,
you're not an actress

so it doesn't really
make sense, okay?

Anyway, I'm gonna go get drunk.

- Do you mean you're
gonna go get a drink?

- I mean what I mean.

- Wait, can
one of you tell me

if he actually hates me or not?

- So, yeah, I think,

I think the plant is dying.

- Well, why did that story
take 20 minutes to explain?

- Well, 'cause that's
how I found out.

You see, it started last
week when I bought it, and-

- Oh, I don't need
to hear it again.

- Oh, oh.

I made us reservations
at Danny's after.

- Who makes a
reservation at Danny's?

- I do, it's Danny's
Tuesday, or did you forget?

- No, I didn't forget.

I'm gonna go grab a drink, okay?

I'll be right back, okay?

- I don't have any money.

I thought I did, but I don't.

- You already drank that drink.

- I know, and I'm sorry, but
I just don't have any money.

- You did know.

I've never seen anyone drink
a beer that quickly before.

It was like watching
Charlie Sheen or something.

- That's not only offensive
to the Charlie Sheen,

but also to me.

- Is there a problem here?

- Yeah, I don't have any money,

so I can't pay this
delightful bartender.

- Screw you, dumb-ass.

- Ha, see, he's just delightful.

- If I cover his beer,
can this all be over,

and get my glass of rose?
- Sure.

- Then done.

- Oh, my knight in
shining armor, it seems.

- Mm, honestly, I
just want my drink.

- Well, thank you either way.

- You're welcome.

- I'm Zack.

Is my name that funny?

Like, I know Zs are
hilarious, but still.

- No, my name is Zack, as well.

- Oh, okay.

What do you know,
two guys named Zack.

- Well, I'm sure there
are way more than two.

- No, I meant,
like, right here, right now.

- Right, I was joking.

- Very funny.

- Sure, yeah, no, terrible.

- It was really bad,
I can't lie to you.

- Here's your wine.

- Thank you.

Well, I gotta get
back to my boyfriend.

- Oh, shit, I was gonna
ask you out for a drink.

- Didn't I just buy you one?

- Right, so I owe you one.

- Right, yes, yes, you owe,

yeah, I think you should
pay me back sometime.

- Okay, tomorrow, Dingbat.

- Is that the name of the bar,
or are you calling me a dingbat?

- That's the name of
the bar, my friend.

- Ah, friend-zoning me already.

- Okay, someone has a boyfriend.

- Oh, well, someone seems
to be very straight.

- Oh, this someone has
clearly been flirting

with you for the
past five minutes.

- Your shoes are very straight.

- Well, they are
gay, as am I, so.

- I've gotta go, but
tomorrow, the Dingbat, nine?

- Nine it is.

- Bring some money.

- I'll find some somewhere.

- She's great, right?

- I know you're actually
dating the only talented girl

in the showcase.

- I know, showcases are whack.

- Because you've
been to so many-

- Yeah, more than you have.

- She's really great.

- What about their pancakes?

That's just uncouth,
it's dinnertime.

- She was great.

We all know I could have
sung the song even higher,

in a higher key, I
could have done it,

and, like, I think we
know that, right, guys?

- Hey.

- Cupcake.

You were a sensation, truly.

These are my friends,

Chloe and Peter.
- Hi.

- Hi.

- You were really good.

- Thank you so much,
and you must be Zack.

- Hi, it's nice to meet you.

- You too, thanks
for coming, you guys.

I really appreciate it.

- You guys want to
grab dinner or something?

- Love to.

- Are you sure
you're not hungry?

- Yeah, not for anything
from here, at least.

That girl, Lily Avalon,
she was really good.

- I just thought the whole show
was a little bit of a bore.

We could have been
doing something fun,

like binging that DVD set of
hawks flying I just bought.

- Oh, wow, there's
a DVD set of that?

- Yes, hours of hawks flying

around the world,
pretty awesome.

- It sounds awesome.

You know, I have to go
to these things for work.

- So quit your job.
I can provide for both of us.

I make plenty from my job.

- It's not about the money,
I mean, I love what I do.

- Zack, I want to talk
to you about something.

- Okay.

- I love you.

- I know.

- And.

- Oh, my god.

- Ever since I met you,

I knew we had
something very good.

- Please don't do this.

- You're such a special person

and I love every moment
we spend together.

- Just stand up right now.

- So Zackary Noah Mandel,
will you marry me?

- I don't want to eat
your fucking stew!

- My stew?

- Yes, the stew that
you're gonna make me eat

until the end of
time, and I die.

Please sit down.
- Zack.

- I can't do this,
I can't marry you.

- Zack.

- Yeah, I think we
need to break up.

- What?

- I think we should break up.

I need for us to
break up right now.

- This is not how I
thought this was gonna go.

- This just isn't working,
can't you feel that at all?

- I just asked you to marry me.

- God, you're a really nice guy,

Eric, but I need
to be with someone

that makes me laugh, someone
who wants to go someplace

that isn't Danny's, and who
wants to have sex somewhere

that isn't just the bedroom
every once in a while.

- That's just irresponsible.

- I am really sorry, I'm gonna,

I'm just not gonna
do this anymore.

I'm gonna go pack my things.

- I don't know what to say.

- Don't say anything, please.

Bye, Eric.

- What's bugging you?

- Nothing.

- You are the worst
liar, like, really bad,

so spit it out or shit it out.

- What the hell is that saying?

- I just made it
up, it's terrible.

- Yeah.

- But still, just tell me.

- Fine, I met a cute guy.

- Ooh, I love when
stories start this way.

- And then he paid for my drink.

- Even better.

- And then he was like,

"I need to get back
to my boyfriend."

- Ooh, bummer.

- Major bummer.

- I'm sorry, Z.

Listen, if there's one thing

I've learned working after
hours at Land of Donut,

it's that people will
find their sweatshirt.

It's just in the lost
and found, in the back.

- What does that mean?

Why do you work there

when you have a full-time
job at a magazine?

Anyway, though, we are hanging
out tomorrow, I'm excited.

- Ooh, see, there's hope.

Just don't be a homewrecker.

As I always say, a home to
wreck is not yours to wreck.

- He didn't seem happy.

- Just take it day by
day, as I always say.

- Okay, day by day.

That's seems like
a good approach.

- What did I say?

- Not to call anyone in.

- And what did you do?

- I promise you, she is
very, very talented, she's-

- I don't care if she can
spin dishes on her nipples.

I told you I didn't
want to see anyone.

- Sure.

- This is your last
warning, Mandel.

I don't build careers.

No one else, or you're fired.

If I send you to a
showcase, just watch it.

Don't let your stupid
heart get involved.

- But you'll see her?

- I will see her, but
she'd better be good.

- I'll schedule her
for tomorrow at three.

- Fine, get out.

- What's going on?

- What do you mean?

- Why are you answering my chats

with periods instead
of exclamation points?

- What, do I usually
use exclamation points?

- Yes, always, it's
hard to understand

what could be that exciting.

- Shh, keep it down.

- What is going on?

Tell me, tell me, tell me.

- I broke up with Eric.

- Oh, my god,
hell, yes.

Yes, yes, yes, this is amazing.

Oh, my god, hell, yes.

- Please tell me how you feel.

- Yes, oh, that's
the best news ever.

Okay, we're going out tonight
and we're celebrating.

- Okay, that sounds like
fun, but I cannot tonight.

- The hell you can't,
what's more important than me?

- A date?

- Zackary, are you for real?

- The realest.

- Hold up, so you broke
up with Eric yesterday

and suddenly you have a date?

- Mm-hmm.

- You're worse than me.

- I don't
know what to tell you.

Why is this thing
always out of ink?

- You need a break, okay,
you need to be single.

- It's good, I promise.

Something clicked last night,

and I could clearly
see two things.

- Okay.

- Eric and I couldn't
go on any longer,

and Zack deserved a real date.

- Yeah, you do deserve
a real date, mm-hmm.

- No, his name is Zack,
too, I'm talking about him.

- You're joking, right?

- No, I think it's cute.

- No, it's weird as
hell, that's what it is.

You can't date somebody
with your own name.

How is that gonna work?

Tell me, what about during sex?

So you're really gonna
be calling his name,

but in reality, it's your name?

What, that's confusing.

- No, it's kind of awesome.

You love it.

- You know what, I ain't gonna
lie, it is kind of awesome.

I wish I could scream
out my name during sex.

- See?
- You know what I'm gonna do?

- What?

- I'm gonna change
Cameron's name to Ava.

- Please don't tell
me who or what-

- Cameron's my toothbrush.
- Okay.

- Oh, my god, I am
so sorry, are you?

Oh, my god, Zack?

- Oh, god.

- Are you okay?

- Oh, no, I'm fine.

- Oh, shit, no, you are not.

That is a lot of blood, sorry.

Here, here, there, you put that-

Oh, god, did that hurt?

- Gosh, that hurts.

- Okay, you know what?

We gotta get you to a hospital.

- Okay, let's
just, like, wrap this up.

I'll see you another time.

- Nope, are you kidding?
I'm coming with you.

- What if I
don't want you to come?

- Honestly, I really don't care.

I might have just
broken your nose.

I owe you some company, down.

Okay.

- Paging Dr. Patel.

Please go to room 204-

- Make sure to keep
pressure on it.

I think that's what
they say to do.

- I think
that's for open wounds,

not for broken bones.

- I'm sorry, not exactly
an expert on this.

- What are you an expert in?

- Writing, I write books.

- Really,
what have you written?

- Well, okay, well, nothing's
been published as of yet.

- Oh, wow, a wannabe writer.

Okay, I have to get out of here.

- Okay, okay, but
I'm good, I promise.

- I believe you.

So give me a synopsis.

- You don't want to hear that.

- Yes, I
do, come on, bring it.

- Okay, so there's
this kid named William,

and Will's dad goes on
a trip every few months

for weeks at a time,

so Will becomes suspicious
of the trips, like,

why can't he reach his
dad whenever he leaves?

So on the night of
Will's 18th birthday,

he decides to follow his dad
and see where he ends up.

- Okay,
where does he end up?

- In Romania.

- What,
why- why in Romania?

- Because his dad is
a hunter of a being

that only lives in
Romania, the vampire.

- You're shitting me.

- I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.

And I know it sounds
a little cheesy,

but I've done a ton of research,

so all the vampire mythology

that you could even imagine.

So when Will gets there,

it turns out that his family
is a long line of hunters,

so his dad decides to
train him next in line,

and then Will and his dad
decide to go on a journey

to kill the last living
vampire, Vlad Dracula himself.

- It's really cool,
kind of oddly sexy, too.

- Yeah, I mean, hopefully
it'll be a series,

and then, god willing,
someone will buy it

and turn it into a movie and
just make me a ton of money.

- Oh, god, wouldn't
that be nice?

- Yeah.

- So what's it called?
- "Undeath in the Family."

- Oh,
god, I love that,

but it
really hurts to laugh.

- Oh, yeah, how's the nose?

- Yeah, I think it's okay.

- So could I ask you
an awkward question?

Does your boyfriend know that
you're here with me tonight?

- We broke up last
night, actually, so.

- I'm- I'm sorry.

I'm here for you,
seriously, I am.

- Thank you.

It's okay, it had
to end, he proposed.

- No, he didn't.

- Yes.

- This was all last night?

- Mm-hmm, last night,
and then went home,

packed up, and moved out.

- Wow.

This is a lot to take in.

- You mean for a first date?

- So this is a date?

- Well, I don't know,

I wouldn't call this
a first date, exactly.

Yeah, if you want to try again
sometime soon, you could.

Maybe try not to break
my nose next time.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- Hello.

- Should I stay?

- Yeah, you've come this far.

Oh, god, you all right?

- Well, at
least it's not broken.

- Well, I mean, you did your
best, but I am unbreakable.

- Okay.

- You know, I should
probably get home.

It's getting really late
and I gotta work tomorrow.

- Where's home?

- Right now I'm living in a
hotel, just for a few days.

I'm already looking for
a new place, though.

- Well, can I walk you home?

- You don't have to do that.

- I've come this far.

- All right, well, this way.

Do you have any really
irrational fears?

- Like, so many,
like, sometimes I have a dream

that I'm actually-

- This is you?

- Well, this is a hotel, I'm me.

I'll see you tomorrow?

- Yeah, I'll pencil you in.

Just kidding, my
day's completely open.

- Good night, Zack.

- Good night.

- What do you mean that you're
gonna see him again tonight?

- I mean I'm gonna
see him again tonight.

- But he almost broke your nose.

- I know, but he stayed
with me the entire night.

I mean, how sweet is that?

- First sour, then sweet,
like a Sour Patch Kid.

- Mm.

- You know what, you can
make your stupid decisions

on your own, don't
listen to me at all.

Can you hold, please?

- Knock, knock,
hey, Zack,

if it isn't my favorite agent.

- So good to see you.

Congrats on the new
season dropping.

And you too, Jeffrey, wow.

Never thought that "Warlock
Academy" could get that deep,

but I was wrong.

- Thank you, man.

- Also I'm still an
agent's assistant.

- Margie still
hasn't promoted you?

- No.
- What a venomous bitch.

Honestly, we should just
have you be our agent

and leave that queen to rot.

- Zack, why didn't you tell me

my two favorite
clients are here?

- Margie.

Such a pleasure to see
you, you look fantastic.

What's your skincare routine?

- Margie, why haven't you
promoted my boy Zack yet?

- It's a discussion
we've been having.

He's so close, like, how close
you are to winning an Oscar.

- I haven't been nominated yet.

- Exactly, why don't
you two come in?

Coffee, Zack, now.

- Yes.

- Sorry, man, I tried.

- It's just fine.

- I mean, he's totally fine.

It's like nothing ever happened.

- That's just so-

- Embarrassing,
it's embarrassing.

- It's bad.

- Okay, but you're
missing the point.

There's a huge issue here.

- What's your issue?

- I think I actually like him.

- That's great news, Zack.

- No, no, no, no,
it's the worst.

I like it better when I don't
like anyone or anything.

- That's a terrible
way to live your life.

I don't know where
I'd be without Peter.

- Aw, thanks, baby cakes.

I want a scone.

- Ew.

- As I always say, falling
off the love cliff is the

only good cliff to fall from.

- Okay, hold on.

Who said anything
about loving anyone?

I said like.

- Mm-hmm, that's the first step.

- Don't make me pour
my coffee on you.

- Okay, first off,
you didn't get coffee

because you're a coward.

- It's so bitter!

- And secondly, that's
also why you're afraid

of actually liking
someone for once.

Commitment, baby.

- Okay, but the fact

that no one commits is
why I like the gay world.

Most people aren't looking

for anything serious,
it's perfect.

- That's just
shallow and terrible.

If I've learned one
thing at Land of Donut,

it's that everyone
has their someone,

even if it's just a box
of glazed, it's yours.

- What's wrong with shallow?

I like shallow.

- Wouldn't it be nice

to actually let yourself feel
something for once, like,

to actually indulge in those
feelings and just go for it?

- That sounds like
the worst thing

I've ever heard
in my entire life.

- Anyway, there's something
I need to tell you.

- Okay, I knew we were gonna
have this talk at some point.

I know that your
feet are terrifying.

I've never seen
anything like them-

- What, it's not about
that, it's good news.

That girl I work with

at the magazine is
dating a publisher,

and I may have slipped him a
copy of your book last week.

- Shut your whore mouth.

- Don't call my
girlfriend a whore.

- It's true, and
Zack, he loved it.

He wants to meet with you
next week, what do you think?

- I think hell freaking
yeah, this is awesome.

- It looks like things are
turning around for old Zackary.

- Don't call me old Zackary.

That sounds like I
live in a clock tower

and ring the bell once a
day, but this is exciting.

- It is, as I always say,

good things come to those
who wait for the good things

because they've been
waiting for them.

- The saying is just, "Good
things come to those who wait."

You complicated it so much.

- I don't think so, Zack.

- Is that the girl
you called in?

- Yeah.

- She's spectacular.

Margie's gonna kiss
you on the mouth.

You've done good, kid,
that's what she'll say.

- She's never said
that in her life.

She will never say that.

- You've done good, kid.

- Wow.

- Yes, I know, I'm just
as surprised as you.

Maybe you're not a
gigantic waste of space.

- Thank you for saying that.

That is so sweet of you to say.

- I am the queen.

- Excuse me?

- I said, I know.

- Oh, okay, great.

- You know, I have
had my eye on you.

Who knows, maybe one
day soon you'll be more

than just an
assistant around here.

- Thank you for that.

- I am the queen.

- Excuse me?

- I said, you've earned it.

- Oh, okay, well, thank you.

- I am the queen.

- I'm sorry, what did you say?

- I said, get out of my office.

- Okay, great, yes.

This is pretty cool,
this is pretty cool.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- How's the nose?

- Well, didn't get
a black eye, so.

- That's great.

- It is great, do
you want a drink?

- Yeah, I do.

- Right, got you.

- You didn't pay
for this, did you?

- No, why, should I have?

- No, I owe you a drink.

Remember?
- Okay.

Right, right, right, yes.

- Cheers?

- Cheers.

- Hello, hello,

hello.

- Hi.

- Hi, yes, a big hello.

My name is Darlene Bat, and
I am the owner of this bar.

- Oh, oh, your nickname
must be Dingbat.

- No, god, my nickname is Mango.

- Wait, what?

- I'm just about to sing my set,

but I just had to
come over and say,

oh, my god, you guys are
the most lovely couple

I have ever seen in my life.

- Oh, that's very nice,

but we're not together.
- No, we're not actually-

- Oh, shush, hush, hush.

Oh, young love is so beautiful.

- Thank you.

- I remember Walter before
his untimely demise.

- Oh, I'm sorry-

- Oh, he's not dead,
he's just dead to me.

I'm going to tell you
what my father told me

and my sister when
we were sailing

in the middle of a hurricane.

"Hold on to each other."

Au revoir.

- Enchanté.

- My god.

Oh, my god.

So is her sister okay?

- Anyway, they made
it through the hurricane.

- We don't know that.

- Yeah,
she sounds great,

honestly.
- Yeah.

Really nice, I love
this- this key.

That was a beautiful
and strange moment.

- Yeah, we seem to have
a lot of those together.

- Yeah, we do.

So should we do, like,
all that first date stuff

we've never done
because, you know,

last night I almost
broke your nose.

- Right, yeah.
- Yeah.

- Fun memory, sure.

- So where are you from?

- Okay, I'm right up
from outside the city,

but my dad is in Jersey.

- Okay.

- Mm-hmm, how about you?

- I'm from the 'burbs of Philly.

- Oh, all right, the Jersey
side or the Pennsylvania side?

- Pennsylvania side,
and I still vote there,

'cause being in a swing
state's important to me.

Also I have no clue
how to change it, so.

- Do you have any siblings?

- Yeah, I have a half
brother, his name's Kenny.

How about you?

- Yeah, I have a younger sister.

She's still in high
school, and, god,

much smarter and wiser
than I'll ever be, so.

- Are you close
with your family?

- Yeah, my sister and I,
we're pretty close, I'd say.

My dad and I, much
different story,

but my mom, she, um...

passed away five years ago.

- I'm really sorry.

- How about you, you
have close family, or?

- Um, kind of, I mean,
my parents split up

when I was really young,

and the only thing
they can agree on is

that I'm a massive screw-up,
so we don't talk that much.

But I'm super close with Kenny.

- That's good, you're
not a screw-up.

You're a struggling writer,
that's a big difference.

- Thanks.

- Should we have another drink?

- Well, I have to finish,
but I owe you one,

so do you want one?
- Yes, please.

- Okay.

- I mean, if you're paying.

Well, I'll have
a double, please.

- A double beer?

- Yeah.

- A double beer,
great, two beers, I guess.

- Wow,
winter in the city.

- Right, so pretty.

- You ever notice how, like,

everything is prettier
in the winter,

like, the lights,
sky, or even people,

with their cheeks flushed?

- Your cheeks are
kind of flushed.

- Are they?

- Uh-huh.

- I'm sorry.

- It's fine, Zack, it's cute.

- It is?

Goddammit.

- What?

- I like you,

and I'm trying so hard not to.

- Why are you
trying hard not to?

- Because I don't like
the way it makes me feel.

Like, any second you're
gonna just get up,

go away, run away,
never come back.

- Zack.

Yeah, that's what liking someone
is like, it's terrifying.

All you want to do
is run.

- Wait, so you feel it, too?

- Yes.

Yes, I like you.

Not easy, you know?

Been a long, long time, too,

like, years, since I
was in middle school.

- Wow, me too, actually.

- Yeah?

- Yeah, Jewish sleep-away camp.

- Oh.

- I, yeah, I haven't
thought about it in forever.

- I went to one of those.
- You did?

- Yes, in the Poconos,
Camp Bernstein.

- Shut the hell up.

- There was this
kid I had a huge crush on.

- I thought your
name was Anthony.

- I always went by my last name.

- I never knew your last name.

- I never knew yours, either.

- Wait, hold on.

How do you taste the exact same?

- Because I love
bubblegum toothpaste,

even though it's really,
really bad for me.

- I don't believe you, wait.

What musical did they do the
year that we were in camp?

- Okay, it's a trick question

because they did the
same musical every year.

They did "Annie" with all boys,

it made no sense,
and you were Annie.

You did the greatest rendition

of "Tomorrow" I've
ever heard, I cried.

- Well, I mean, five
minute standing ovation,

but who's counting, you know?

I don't believe it.

- Me either, you
were my first kiss.

- Yeah, you were mine, too.

- I'm not gonna lie, I've
dreamt of us being together.

- To be honest, I never
thought I would see you again.

I don't really even
believe in fate

or destiny or any of that shit.

- Okay, but there are millions

of people in New York
who we'll never see,

and somehow out of those
millions of people,

we're both here now.

Doesn't that strike you as fate

or destiny or some
dumb shit like that?

- Out of all the
millions of people.

- Yeah.

- This scone is so unreal.

It's absolutely unreal.

- Mm, so, tell me,
how did your date

with Zack go last night?

- You are not gonna believe
this because I still don't.

- Can you try me, because
I believed in Santa

until I was a senior
in high school, so.

What won't I believe?

- Zack was my first kiss.

- No, he wasn't, you slut.

- No, no, my actual first kiss.

- Okay.

- We were in middle
school at sleep-away camp

at this really big dance,

and he and I just kept
on looking at each other.

- Mm.

- So he leaves, I follow him
out, and he takes my hand

and he leads me down
to this lakeside.

- Oh, god, it's literally
an LGBT young adult novel.

- This was real, he and
I just talked and talked,

and then we kissed,
and then the next day,

the camp found out,
they called my parents.

My dad came to pick
me up, took me away,

and I never saw him again.

- Oh, that's so crazy.

Please tell me you're
gonna see him again.

- Yeah, tonight, I
just have to go back

to my old place, pick
up the rest of my stuff.

- Mm-mm, do not fall into
that trap and go back to Eric.

- What do you mean?

- I know you don't
like feelings.

- Well, they're terrifying, and
you know what is even worse,

is to talk about
them, so let's not.

- Oh, I know, but can you just
listen to me for a second?

Can you just fall for someone

that you actually
care about for once?

Even if it scares
you, you deserve love,

so you shouldn't settle
for anything less.

- Are you Dr. Feinman,
am I in therapy?

- No, but come on, you
even settled for this job.

We both know that you
should be doing more,

so maybe just don't settle

for somebody you
don't like anymore.

- Okay, I can't talk about this.

- Zack.

- No, I'm serious, and
I gotta get to Eric's.

I have to go when
he's not there,

you know?
- Okay.

Zackary, can you
just listen to me?

- I can't hear you,
wow, the music's on.

I'll see you soon-
- Come on.

Oh, my god.
- And Rihanna,

wow, this is amazing music.

She's the best artist
of her generation.

- Oh.

- Oh, hi.

- I didn't know
you were coming by.

- Yeah, no, I just, I'm sorry.

I came to grab my stuff.

I thought you would
be at work, so.

- Oh, I- I took off today.

Your stuff's in the closet,
I packed it up for you.

- You decided to spend
all day in your underwear?

- Not exactly.

- Really, Eric?

- Your shampoo is really nice.

I love that tea tree
stuff, it's so soothing.

- What is this?

- Oh, hi, I'm Danny.

- Danny, his name is
Danny, wow.

I literally always thought you
wanted to fuck a Grand Slam.

It turns out you have.

- This is the ex, right?

Do you need me to knock him out?
- Knock me out?

Okay, calm it down, glow.

I'm gonna take my
things, I'm gonna go.

I'm gonna grab the shampoo
that you used without asking.

- It's really nice shampoo.

You should get a
new razor, though.

I used yours to shave
my unmentionables.

- Eric.

I'm not doing this.

You know what, yeah, actually,

I wasn't gonna tell you anything

because I didn't want
to hurt your feelings,

but I am seeing someone.

Apparently feelings
don't matter to you,

so there you go.

- Oh, yeah, what-
what's his name?

- Yeah, his name is Zack.

- You can't even think
of a different name other

than your own to make up
for your fake boyfriend?

That's so sad.

- I'm not having this
conversation with you.

I'm taking my things,
and Zack is real.

- Well, and so are
mermaids and narwhals.

- Narwhals are real!

- You.

- Take me to
your place right now.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- I can't believe that
just happened.

- Yeah, I know.

- I'm so hungry.

Are you hungry?

I have dumplings in the
fridge, I think, I'm gonna,

I'm gonna go get 'em.

I feel like the dumpling sauce

really makes a
dumpling, you know?

- Mm-hmm.

- Wait, why are you
getting dressed?

- I got a workout class early.

- Okay.

Well, you could
leave from here,

or, like, go later,
couldn't you?

- I can't.

- Can I see you sometime soon?

- Maybe, I don't know.

- Okay, well, my friends
are hanging out Sunday

if you wanted to come.

- Yeah, I'll see.

- Hey, what's going on?

- Don't worry about it.

I got a workout class
early, I told you.

- Okay, it's just that-

- No, I gotta go,

and I will see you around.

- What the fuck was that?

What are you doing out here?

- I'm scared.

- Of the stoop?

I swear it's meant
to be that color.

- Not of the stoop, of you.

- Of me?

- Of falling in,

you know, with you.

- Okay, well, you came
out here an hour ago.

You've been sitting in the cold,

I mean, what have
you even been doing?

- I was thinking, and then
you came out to look for me

'cause, yeah, 'cause
you knew I'd be here.

That means something,
doesn't it?

- Yes, I came out
here to look for you.

Look, I want to
give this a chance.

That's all I know for right now.

- I just wish that
there was a way

that we could test this,

test us, just the
two of us, you know?

- I know what we'll
do, but you,

you can't run because I'm
fat and slow.

I'd have to take an Uber
to catch you.

Zack, do you want
to come back inside?

- It's just like Camp Bernstein.

You did all of this for me?

- For us.

- So when you said
that you looked

for me after we came home,
how did you look for me?

- Every way I knew how.

I even called the camp to
try to get your information.

- What?

- It was confidential.

I- I went back the
next summer to see IT,

but when you weren't
there, I never went back.

Losing you, it, yeah,

it broke my heart.

- Yeah, mine too.

- You know, I never stopped
looking for you, though.

Sometimes I'd do,
like, a Google search,

or a search on
Instagram, just looking.

- Oh, yeah, I did too.

- That's why, baby, I
just want this to work.

- Wait, what did you just say-

- Okay, I said,
disgusting, I know, yeah,

it's really bad.
- Ew.

Yes, oh, wait.
- Okay, like.

- I'm gonna close my
eyes, try it again

about something else.
- Okay, okay, okay.

Baby, can you pass the salt?

- Ugh.

- It's so bad.

- Gross.

It's so gross.
- It's so bad.

Okay, well, do you
have any ideas?

- Well, I like
Short Stack for you.

- What, why?

- Because I said
so, Short Stack.

- For the record,
I'm average height.

- Hey, can I say something?

- Of course.

- I just want to
say that no matter

what happens between us,

I just want you to know
that these past few,

you've just made me happier

than I have felt
in a long time, so

I don't know how I'll
repay that to you,

or, you know, but thank you.

- You're everything I want.

- What the hell is
happening, you okay?

- This view really
makes you think

about everything that you are.

- What does that mean?

- I don't know.

- This weekend has been so nice.

- Yeah, it's been amazing, but.

It's not real, though.

- Zack.

- I just, let me just get
through something, please.

- Okay.

- Yeah, I don't think
I know who I am, Zack.

You know exactly who you
are, and that's amazing, but

I- I thought I knew who I was,

and then it turns out I
have no fucking clue at all,

my job, my relationship,
suddenly it all seemed wrong,

like I was living a
life that wasn't mine,

you know, blindly
saying yes to things,

allowing things to happen

without even realizing
that they were happening.

And then I meet you,

and you're, like,
stealing free booze

and being so
disarmingly charming

in a way that was
baffling to me.

And- and then it's like,
all of a sudden I wake up,

and I realize I don't
have a fucking clue at all

who I really am.

You know, I've kind of loved
my life since I met you, Zack.

- Okay, good-

- Please, please
just let me finish.

This world that we're
living in right now,

it is amazing and
it's wonderful,

but it's not real.

It's not, you know, it can't be,

because how could
someone who's just,

you know, let things
happen to them,

who's in a relationship
with someone for two years,

who was never honest with them.

How can that person
deserve real love?

And

I don't think I do.

I am really broken.

And you deserve someone whole,

and not just a piece of someone
that I could one day be.

- No, I've seen
you, that's not you.

- That's because I let you see

what I want you to see.

It's toxic, you know,
you're falling in love

with someone who isn't there.

- No, no, none of this is
you, Zack, you're strong.

- I am not strong,
I have, I have,

I have been hiding my
entire life, you know,

from everyone, like
a little turtle.

- A turtle?

- Yeah, like a little
turtle hides in his shell,

never feels right enough
to strut his stuff

with the right other turtle,

you know, two turtles
together, strutting their stuff

'cause they love each
other, I've never had that.

- What the hell does that mean?

- Zack, I'm not gonna explain
that perfect metaphor twice.

- I'm not giving up
without a fight for you.

You're wrong.

- Zack.

You deserve better.

- No, no, don't tell
me what I deserve.

I hate that, I want
this, I choose this.

You're breaking my heart, Zack.

Come on.

- I'm gonna leave.

Yeah, go home, I'm gonna go.

- Please stay.

- You've gotta let me go, Zack.

- No, no, don't go, don't go,

don't go, don't go.

- Goodbye, Zack.

- You wanted to see me, Margie?

- Yeah.

Oh, you're fired.

- Excuse me?

- Lily Avalon won't sign
with me and I'm pissed,

so you're fired.

- You're the one who had the
meeting with her, not me.

- Yeah, and I need
someone to blame,

and here you are.

- Okay, well, maybe the reason

that she didn't like it here is

because you are such
a stuck-up bitch.

- Excuse me?

Pack up your things.

You have 20 minutes
before I call security.

- Well, I've always
hated working for you,

and you know what?

Fuck this.

- Mm, ah.

How are you?

- Not great.

- Sorry to hear that.

- Yeah.

- Everything okay?

How's your roommate?

- He was my boyfriend, Dad.

- Was your boyfriend?

- Mm-hmm.

We're done, I- I moved out.

- Where are you living?

- At a hotel right now.

- You'd better not be putting
that on the credit card.

That's for emergency uses only.

- I know, but isn't me being
without a home an emergency?

- Not really, there
are plenty of places

that you can go that don't
cost as much as a hotel does.

But at least you're making
enough to find a new place,

which is great.

- Right, that's why
I'm here, actually.

I got fired yesterday.

- You got what?

- I got fired, which is okay,

and I'm glad that it
happened, because-

- You're glad?

- Dad, I feel like
this is the first time

I've really let you down.

Sorry, I don't count me being
gay as letting you down.

- You made your decision.

- I don't want to
talk about this.

I'm here 'cause I really need,

I need to ask for some money.

- That's not happening.

- Dad, please, it'll help
me get to a new place,

look for a new job,

and I would pay you back
every single penny, I promise.

- If you want a place to
live, you can come home.

If you want to be
without a home,

you can sleep in the damn park.

As I see it, those are your
two options, young man.

Ah.

Well, I have to take this.

Just sit, just give
me two seconds.

Howard, I spoke to your mother.

Yeah.

- Hey, what the hell, man?
This is my life.

- At least you have a life,
I have nobody.

- Calm down.

- Yeah, you calm down!

- Bitch, you look sad.

- Yeah, walk away,
like everybody else.

- Still haven't spoken to
your dude since this weekend?

- Don't call him my dude.

- Well, gay guys
don't call each other dude?

- No, imagine how
weird that is, like,

"Yo, dude, you're a
really dope kisser."

- Yo, Broseph, I
really love you.

- Yeah, see,
it's weird as shit.

- Gay frat bros probs do it.

He hasn't even texted
you or anything?

- Nope, and I don't even know

if my messages are delivering.

And what's even worse
is that my book is shit

and you have me meeting with
that publisher this week.

I'm not ready, I literally
have a line that reads,

"He didn't not do it,
in fact, he did it."

See, it's absolute shit.

- If you're meant to
be with him, you will.

- No, you know, if this
has taught me anything,

it's that fate or some
dumb shit is exactly

what I thought it was, it's
pain because it's false,

and that's what hurts the most.

- Finally made it to happy hour.

- Yeah, you got
me here.

- Ah, all right.

Yeah, so should we do a shot?

- Yes, please.

- Okay, thanks, Tom.

- Cheers.

- All right, salud.

Mm, mm, nice.

- Tastes like car oil.

- Stop drinking car oil,

then you won't know
what it tastes like.

Another one, yes, thank you.

- Thank you.

- Mm, woo.

- One more.

- Okay, that's enough for now,

what the heck?
- No, one more.

It's happy hour,
throw it back.

You're always trying to
get me here, aren't you?

- Yeah, because, you know,

you usually forget who I
am after we leave work, so.

- What, what do you mean?

- What do you mean,
what do I mean?

I'm not just your sounding
board at work, Zack.

I ask you to hang out
because we're friends,

and you seem to forget

that maybe Ava's time
matters, too, I don't know.

- I am single now, so, you know,
we can do this all the time.

- Okay, but you don't
have to be single

to want to hang out
with your best friend.

- That's your title.

- Excuse me?

- Oh, my, don't-
don't be like that.

I'm saying one day, you
know, you were just like,

"I'm your best friend."

- Oh, okay, you know what?

Fuck you, Zack.

- What?

- I'm not just gonna sit
here and wait for you

to one day be grateful
that I'm in your life.

God, I sat here through
boring-ass Eric,

and now this new era of
you finally meeting the boy

that you're meant to be with.

- I'm not really meant
to be with anyone.

- Yes, you are, you
choose not to be.

But you're right
about one thing,

Zack, you blew up your life,

and that's no one's
fault but yours.

You know, people just wait a
lifetime to have what you had-

- I don't think you understand.

- I do understand.
- You don't.

- You don't, this is me.

You know, I come here
every night with a friend,

without a friend, because
I deserve what you had.

I'm a huge catch, and I'm
exactly who I'm meant to be.

- Can I just say one more-
- No, you cannot.

- One.

- Especially not
right now, okay,

'cause I'm living, and you
are witnessing my ascendance.

- Oh, yeah, into what?

- Into finally telling
you that, baby,

goddammit, I am so much
more than your work wife.

God, and I'm running
all this shit,

and if you can't see that,

then you go find yourself
a new best friend.

- It's your title.

- And it's the truth, okay,
whether you admit it or not.

So go to Jersey
or fucking don't,

I don't care, but
this girl right here,

she's done until you
start appreciating her

because guess what,
that's what she deserves.

God, you want to
get out of here?

- Yeah.

- Zack.

- Yes, hi, Warren.

- Yes, good to see you.

- You too, thanks
for meeting with me.

- Of course.

- Hello.

- Oh, you're here already.
- Hi.

- Can I get you two anything?

I would love to get you
something, please let me.

- I think we're
gonna need a second.

- Yeah, I need a
second to look over-

- Okay, okay, I'll give
you two a second to peruse.

Second's over.

- Oh, my god.
- Whoa.

- I'll be back in un momento,
as they say in Spanish.

- Thanks.

- Si.

- She's a lot to handle.

- Yeah.

- So should we
just jump right in?

- Sure.

- Listen up, Zacky,
can I call you Zacky?

- You just did.

- Zacky boy, I think there's
a real market for your book.

I want to help you
find that market

and make this book a hit,

but you gotta make
some changes first.

Where are the
werewolves, pal?

Everything's better when there
are vampires and werewolves.

- Werewolves?

- Like, but I'm right.

Also, it's too
short, you gotta work

on the length, longer, thicker.

- Do you hear yourself, or-

- Yes, but the question
is, do you hear me?

I think this has the potential
to be a real hit series,

but you gotta make the first
one "The Sorcerer's Stone."

- Wow, big shoes there.

- Ah, you noticed, I wear
a size 12 and a half.

I think your book is terrific.

I want to get it out there.

- Yes, please.

- So you're open to revisions?

- I'm willing to listen to
whatever you have to say.

- Perfect, I love it.

First things first, we
got some paperwork here.

This is the contract.

Now, you might want to have
somebody look this over for you,

but as you can see right there,

there's the payment breakdown.

- This- this is so much money.

I've never had this much money.

I could get the gas
turned on in my apartment.

- Yeah, baby, we're
cooking with gas now,

and let me tell
you something else.

This is gonna be big, "New
York Times" bestseller big,

and listen, I don't bullshit.

It takes too much
time and energy

that I could be spending on
my fantasy baseball league.

Also, I'm gonna need you to
meet the rest of the team.

Some of them are out
on the other coast.

Can you get to LA next Friday?

- Well-

- Okay, great, I'll have my
assistant book you a flight.

- Zack, why are you here?

- I'm figuring out my life.

- You can't do that in the city?

- Well, I broke up with Eric,

and then I moved out,

then I met the best
guy I'll ever meet,

fell in love with him,
decided to end that

so that neither of
us would get hurt,

and then finally lost my job.

- That sounds horrible,
it really does.

I'm glad you're here, though.

You can help me pick out
a dress for winter formal.

- Cute.

- Yeah, but I am gonna
go to Jenna J's house

for band practice in a bit,

so maybe we'll do it later.

- You're gonna go to
Jenna Jennason's house,

that's cute.
- No.

No, you can't say the full name,

she doesn't like it, you
know, the porn actress-

- Well, that's too bad

because Jenna Jennason's
name is hilarious.

- Well, whatever.

You've gotta get
it together, man.

Like, what are you gonna
do to get your life back?

- I am doing something, okay?

And this something
is called sulking.

- You need to stop moping,
it's, like, pretty gross.

- Sorry my sadness
is annoying you.

- I have an idea.

We could go on a run, yeah.

- No.

- No, Jesus.
- No.

- We're gonna go,
so get dressed.

Yeah, so.
- Absolutely not.

- Let's march, okay,
I said march, Zack.

- Please, ow.

- Let's go.

- Zack, that's amazing, man,

that you're finally gonna
be making some money.

- I know, I'll actually be able
to pay for myself sometimes.

- Sometimes?

Have you heard from Zack at all?

- No, it's been, like,
a week and a half.

I don't think he wants
anything to do with me.

- You okay?

- No, I'm- I'm blue about it.

- Blue about it, what?

- Yeah, blue, like,
sad, you know?

- I've never heard anyone
use that expression before.

I like that.

- You've never heard anyone
use the phrase "blue"

to mean sad, like,
"I'm blue, I'm down."

Like, I'm blue.

- What?

- Let's just move on
from how I'm saying it

and just focus on
what I'm saying.

Doesn't that sound good?

- Okay, sorry for
not being up to date

on all the newest
slang or whatever.

- I don't really
know what happened.

We were only together for,
like, a week and a half,

but it felt like we were
meant to be together.

Oh, my god, that
sounds really stupid.

That sounds really
freaking stupid, I'm sorry.

- It's okay, brother,
you can't fight it.

- No, don't say that
to me, we're done.

- You're not done.

Things like this aren't
just done like that,

things where you meet
someone you shared a kiss

with in middle school, and
then they randomly pop back up

into your life again.

Look, I've known
you your whole life.

I've never seen you like this.

This is bigger than just
these past two weeks.

- Okay, then what is this, huh?

- You're in love, man,
that's what it is.

It's fate or
destiny or whatever.

The stars are on your side.

It's like there's
some cosmic event.

I can't explain it.

- Cosmic event?

- All I'm saying is,

don't pretend like this
is just some thing.

Things like this
don't just happen.

If you guys don't
end up together,

then screw love forever,
as far as I'm concerned.

- I really hope you're right.

- Okay,
can't we just stop

for a second and enjoy the view?

- This is
the Jersey suburbs.

There's no such thing
as a view, Zack.

- Look, can we
just stop for a second?

- No, you haven't
had your epiphany yet.

I saw it once in a movie.

- Oh, yeah,
what kind of epiphany

am I supposed to be having?

- You know,
just how to get

your life back together.

You just generally seem like
a really big mess right now.

- Yeah, and running
with my teenage sister's

really supposed to
help me out, huh?

- Yeah, it should.

- You know what, it's
not going to, I'm done.

- What?

- I'm out, I'm gonna go home.
- No.

Zack, you haven't had
your epiphany yet.

What are you doing, come on.
- That is

not gonna happen, that's
not how life works.

- What, so tell
me how life works.

- I don't know how life works.
- Right.

- What do you mean, right?

- No, I mean, you're right.

You can't predict
the future, Zack.

I'm going off to
college next year.

I might change my major
14 times, or even drop out

and become a traveling
banjo woman or whatever.

- What are you talking about?

- You're upset
because you don't know

where your life is headed,

but nobody knows where
their life is headed.

That's the fricking
point of life,

is to try and figure it out.

- I think you just
had my epiphany.

- Well, I think I did.

- How are you so wise, huh?

When did that happen?
- Don't, don't do that

in the head.
- When did that happen,

tell me.

- You know, actually a
ghost vomited in my mouth

when I was a child, and
so her spirit lives in me.

It's not that funny.

- What the hell are
you talking about?

- I'm just kidding, I'm an old
soul or whatever, let's go.

- Beep, beep.

- Wow, Jenna
Jennason, look at you.

You know, instead of
saying, "Beep, beep,"

there's actually something
right in front of your face

that actually does that for you.

- Hi, Zack, heard
you're back home at 45,

seems good, making strides?

- Oh, yes, and looks
like you're thriving

in your porn career.

- I'm not that Jenna.

- Could have fooled me.

- I don't like this guy.

- So honest.

- Zack, you want to come?

- No way, sorry, have fun.

I'm gonna go walk around.
- You want me to come with you?

- Bye.

- No.

- Bye, Zacky poo.

- Been out?

- Yeah, I
just went for a walk

around the neighborhood.

- Seems like a good
use of the time.

- Is this your son?

Ooh, he's cute.

I see the resemblance.

So aren't you going
to introduce me,

or am I gonna sit here
like a wall ornament?

- See, Zack, if you work hard
and you play your cards right,

maybe someday you too could
have a girl like Barbie.

- Hmm!

- Yeah.

God, I'm really sorry, 'cause
you seem really nice, Barb.

- I am nice.

- Yeah, and very pretty.

- Well, I know that.

I've won enough pageants
to have two trophies.

- Well, actually, I think
I'd rather poke my eyes out

than end up with
a woman like you.

- Excuse me?

- When is this gonna stop, Dad?

- You are so intelligent,

I don't know why you
have to always fight me

when I'm trying to help you.

- I don't need your
help, you understand?

I do not need your help.

I want to be
nothing like you, Dad.

I want something else.

- Yeah, well, that's
been clear for years.

- This isn't about me being gay.

- That makes sense, I mean,

what straight man
wouldn't want this?

- Not now, Barb.

I don't think you get it.

I- I don't want to
be anything like you.

I don't want anything
like your life.

I don't want this
house, it is so cold,

I mean, aesthetically,

and also the temperature
in here, it's arctic.

- I just want you to live
a life you can be proud of,

so in 30 years you
can look back and say,

"Yes, I did the right thing."

- Well, I appreciate
your concern,

but please let me live my life.

- Goddammit, Zack, I'm
trying to help you.

I don't even know why I
keep trying to fix you.

- Fix me?
- Yeah, it's what I said.

- I don't need you to fix
me, Dad, that's it.

This is who I am, this is
who I'm gonna be today,

tomorrow, God, next
year, a decade,

so, you know, if you
want to be okay with me,

be okay with me, or don't.

Be a part of my life, or don't,

but please, figure
out on your own time

and stop dragging me into it.

- Mm.

- Bye, Barb.

- Ugh, he is wrong
about you, Carl.

- The name is Paul.

- Well,
you don't visit enough.

- I'm sorry, Grandma, I've
been working on my book.

- Oh, yes, you boys
and your vampires.

- Mm, thank you.

- You know Roxie, don't you?

- It's good to see you again.

How's my wonderful Grandma been?

- Oh, she's stellar, as always.

- I'm stellar, as always.

- Hey, Grandma, can I-
can I ask you a question?

- What is your question, Pudgy?

- I really wish that wasn't
my childhood nickname.

- Oh, I'm sorry, I wish
you'd grown out of it.

- I was skinny once.

- I know, for about five
years, what happened?

- Grandma, does love exist?

- Well, I love you.

- No, Grandma, I mean,
like, romantic love,

like, love for one person.

Does that exist or am I just
meant to be single forever?

- Oh.

Well,

yes, love is real, dear,

and it's wonderful, but
people have been writing

about it forever.

It's difficult to find
the perfect words.

Oh, it could be, you
know, that- that knot

you feel in your chest when
somebody smiles at you.

Sometimes it's in
the quietest moments

that you feel the
most love for someone,

when the noise has
calmed down for the day

and you and this person you've
chosen to be alone with,

you could make
dinner or just talk,

or play backgammon.

Your grandfather used to call
them "the little moments."

It- it's a journey, and
in those little moments,

you may, if you're lucky,

find what you're searching for.

- That's

beautiful, and I really
don't know what to say.

- Call him.

- How did you know?

- It's all over your face.

Call him.

- Okay.

- So you were Margie
Kitlin's assistant.

- Yes, up until a week ago.

- I won't hold that against you.

- Thank you.

- You're extremely qualified,
almost too qualified.

Why are you still looking
for assistant jobs?

- Well, I mean, I
want to be an agent,

and this is how
you get there, so.

- Well.
- Well, listen, I think

you'd really appreciate
me being here.

I know I have a
great eye for talent,

and Margie liked every single
person that I brought in.

- Okay, you say you
want to be an agent,

so why aren't you
applying to be one?

You've been an
assistant long enough.

You worked for Carter Bluring
before you worked for Margie.

You need to be taking
that next step.

- I think you're right.

- Do you still want
to be an assistant?

- No, I don't, I want more.

Yeah, I want to be
who I'm meant to be.

- More?

- I want my own agency
with my own clients.

Yeah, I'm making this
choice, I want it.

- Yes, that's it.

This has been a
good talk, right?

I've changed your life a little.

- Yes, yeah, a lot, actually.

Thank you so much.

- Good, that's great.

- So if I'm writing werewolves,

they have to have their own
werewolf language, right?

- Oh, yeah, it only makes sense.

- Okay, like, why are
you shirtless, though?

- I gotta stay
ripped for Chloe, bro.

- Please just don't
sweat all over my floor.

- You have a mouse family
living in your kitchen cabinets.

I'm pretty sure you can deal
with my sweat on the floor.

- I cleaned up, like,
it looks better.

I got an exterminator,
no one notices.

No one ever notices,
they just always talk

about the mouse you once had.

- What are you?

So,

how have you been?

- Hanging in there.

My hermit crab is sick, but
she brought it on herself.

- You have a hermit crab?

- I have several hermit crabs.

- Okay, well, that
illustrates your point,

that I am, you know,
selfish and stupid

and not very nice, and I am-

- An asshole sometimes.

- An asshole sometimes,
yes, and

I've just gotta say, I mean,

I didn't even know
you had hermit crabs.

I never asked you if
you had hermit crabs,

and I was just so
caught in my own head,

just with my own thoughts,

and I didn't think
to ask about you

in such a long time.

I'm really,

you're a beautiful person,

inside and out, Ava.

- That's what I've been
trying to tell you.

- Mm-hmm, and I am so lucky
that you're my best friend.

- Zack,
matcha and iced coffee.

- I know, bitch.

- Thank you so much, I'm-

- Thank you.

- Really, really sorry.

- Sorry?

- I am, yes.
- Oh, wow.

- That I was not the
friend that you deserved,

while you were the
friend that I needed.

- Are you being serious?

- Yes.

- Zackary?

- Yes.

- Aw.

- I'm sorry.

And I love you so much.

- Oh, finally, I
love you, too, boo.

- I'm making changes in my life,

like, drinking this cold coffee

in this cold weather,
really brave.

- Okay.

- Uh-huh, and I need to
do what I'm meant to do.

- Mm-hmm.

- I'm done being an assistant.

I'm starting my own agency.

- Oh, wow.

- Lance is gonna be
my first client,

he agreed to it, and Ava, you.

- Yes?

- I cannot do this without you.

- No, you can't.

- One second of it without you.

You're my work wife, and
actually, you know what?

Fuck that, you are my
partner in all this.

- Can I just ask
you one question?

- Sure.

- Can my name go
before yours in a logo,

because it just sounds
better.

- We need to celebrate.

- Oh, we're celebrating.

Whatever makes you happy, boo.

What's wrong?

- Just Zack made
me really happy.

- Of course you can
make yourself happy.

That's the only way.

- No, I'm talking
about the other Zack.

- Oh, my god, you see?

That name shit is
hella confusing.

Why don't you just
go talk to him?

- I can't.

- What do you mean, you can't?
- I can't, I ruined it.

I mean, I fully
ruined it, ruined it,

ruined it all over, you know?

He should hate me,
I would hate me.

He gave me his heart,
and I was like.

- I mean, have you
even tried to fix it?

- I can't fix it.

- Why not?

- Because I
obliterated it, period.

I did, I just blew it
up, ashes on the ground,

can never re-resurrect
it ever again.

I guess I'm just meant to
focus on my own thing right now

and focus on-

What the hell?

- What the hell, are
you kidding me?

This isn't some dollar
store romance novel.

If you want him, you
gotta go get him.

Zackary Percival Mandel-

- My middle name is Noah-
- Not now,

Percy, okay?

You're trying to make
changes in your life,

all right?
- I am.

- Just, you gotta take
life by the horns.

You know, grab him by the horns.

- What, he does not have horns-
- Okay, figurative horns.

Come on, you can't
live life too passive

and not take a moment
and make it yours,

'cause who knows what could
happen in that moment?

You want to be a person,
all right, then be a person.

You can't go through life
and love expecting the worst

to happen because
you might be scared

when the best love finds you.

- Should I go and tell
him that I love him?

Right?

Is that insane?

- Oh, my god, Percy, if
you don't go right now,

I'm gonna shove you
down those subway steps.

- Okay.
- Okay?

- Okay.

- And you better tell him,
if he breaks your heart,

I'm gonna kick him so hard

that his ball sack is
gonna go into his stomach

and he's gonna bleed to death.

Now, go, go.

Go!

- Ow.

- Hi, oh, I'm sorry, hi.

- Hi, can I help you?

- Yeah, is Zack here?

- Yeah, he's here,
but he's working.

I don't want to bother him.

It's really hard,
unless, of course,

he asks me to go in
there and I help him out.

- Right.

I'm sorry, who are you?

- Oh, I'm Peter.

Sorry, I'm really sweaty,

I've just been working
it out, you know,

having a really good pounding.

Zack's been keeping me busy.

You know, he needs a
lot of help in his room.

He's like a madman in there.

- Yeah, I'm sure.

- And we've been
working on balancing.

- Oh, wow.

- And he says the top
could be a little thicker.

- I'm sure.

- And then of course the
bottom can be a little tighter.

- Wow.

That's some information.

- Yeah, once I
get going, I can't stop.

- Well, I'm gonna go, so.

- Oh, okay, do you want me
to tell him you came by?

- No, no, please,
just don't say a word.

- Okay, you sure?

- Yeah, don't say
anything, thanks.

- See you later, sexy.

- See you.

- Who was that at the door?

- It was a telemarketer.

- At my door?

- Yeah.

- Telemarketing
means over the phone.

- Oh, it- it was a Mormon
giving away Bibles.

Get back to work and
finish your drafts.

- Yeah, or what?

- Ah.

- Dammit.

You cheated.

- Hey, I just
wanted to leave word

that I think he's
with someone else, so,

yeah, I'm gonna go home.

I think he moved on.

I will talk to you
soon, okay, bye.

- Hey, all right, all right.

- You're really
stupid, you know that?

- I'm sorry, who are you?

- That's not the question
you need to be asking me.

- Okay, well, you just
barged in my apartment-

- Oh, have I?
- I have no clue who you are.

You have.
- Oh, I have?

Well, you screwed up.

- What did I screw up?

- Zack, he's a really good guy.

He could be fucked up sometimes,

but he's a really good guy.

- I haven't heard from
Zack in over a week.

How did I screw that up?

- Oh, really, well,
he came over today

while you were porking some
shirtless dude like the whore

that you are, you're a whore.

- Porking, who are you?

- Unimportant right now, okay?

- I wasn't porking anyone.

- Who was that shirtless hunk

that was at the door, huh, huh?

- That was my best
friend's boyfriend.

- Oh.

- He's straight, oh, my god.

Zack was here?

Freaking Peter.

- Fucking Peter, I know.

- Where's Zack now?

- Shoot, he's in New Jersey.

- Are you kidding?

That is so far and I
already did stuff today,

and I'm supposed to be
at JFK in two hours.

- Well, he's in Jersey, so-

- I'm sorry, who are you?

- That's only a question
Zackary can answer.

- Why?

- I'm just kidding,
dude.

I'm Ava, his bestie.

- Okay, fine, I have
to go to New Jersey

and then JFK in two hours.

Can I even do that?

- Well, not unless
you're secretly Batman.

- I freaking wish, dude.

- Okay, well,
love, it's a bitter fruit.

Throw it back and
it becomes dirt.

You know who said that?

My cashier at Land of
Donut, she's so smart.

- I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna go get
Zack, I'm gonna go.

Hey, I need you to leave
so that I can go get Zack.

- Of course, of course.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, it was so
nice meeting you.

- Okay.

- Ava.

- I got that much.

- Hi, Warren
Survowski's office.

- Hi, Alexis, is Warren in?

This is Zack Anthony.

Okay, listen, I need
to change my flight

to tomorrow night, okay?

I'll explain later,
but it's an emergency.

- Can I help you?
- I need to talk to Zack.

- He's not here.

- Do you know when
he'll be back?

- Not for a while.

- Oh.

I really need to talk to him.

- And you are?

- I'm Zack.

- No, that's my son's name.

- It's my name, too.

It's funny, right?

- Hilarious, and what do you
need to talk to Zack about?

- I need to tell him how I feel.

- About?

- About him.

- You know, all these years,

I've tried to keep guys
like you away from him,

hoping that he'd
get over this phase.

- Phase?

- The gay phase.

- Right, the phase
that never ends

'cause it's not a
phase at all, that one?

- Maybe the answer is
just to let him be.

- I feel like this is a talk
you should have with your son,

and not your son's
potential boyfriend.

- So you think you
can make him happy,

that you can take
care of my son?

- I will try.

But, full disclosure,

I can barely take care
of myself, so.

- Oh, you're not
really reassuring me here.

- It's not really in
my job description.

Could you please, please
just tell me where Zack is?

- He's at his sister's high
school dance, chaperoning.

- How do I get there?

- You guys have fun.

- And who are you?

- You must
buy a ticket to get in.

- Buy tickets or hit the bricks.

- That almost made
a rhyme, Patty.

- I am an english
teacher, Brenda.

- I know, it's so hard for me

to make a good rhyme, though.

That comes with the territory
of being a biology teacher.

Pay up, or else no
grinding for you.

- No grinding for
anyone, Brenda.

- Oh, right, no,
no, no grinding.

- Okay, okay, here's
$20, can I go in now?

- Yes.

- Thank you.

- You want to kiss?

- You're Zack, I
knew you'd come.

- Yeah, I'm sorry, who are you?

Random girls keep
coming up to me,

yelling at me, I don't
know who you are.

- I'm sorry, I'm Zack's
sister, I'm Hannah.

Ava told me you were coming

and so I've been on the lookout.

- Okay.
- Here you are.

But don't worry, he
doesn't know you're here.

So this is the jacket
you wore today?

- It's fashionable.

- Okay, yeah, hold on.

Brett, I'm sorry, I don't
think you'll be needing that.

I think this would
fit you perfectly,

so if you could follow me,

I'll clean you up,
it'll be amazing.

- Okay, listen,
there's one more thing.

I have an idea.

- You've come to the
right place, look.

- We're ready.

- Born ready.

- Okay.

- I'm not a vampire.

I just like to pretend
I am one sometimes.

- What?

- Like, you know, I don't
suck blood,

but I don't like to be
awake in the daytime.

And that's dried wine on
my shirt, stop looking.

No, I just wish

someone would write a
good book about vampires.

None of these books are accurate
depictions of my family.

I mean, my family are normal
humans, goth, sweaters.

- I think I actually
know someone

that you might like.

- Hey, turn
the lights back on.

I can't even tell
whose boobs these are.

- Hi, I don't go here, and
I'm not a high schooler.

- Yeah,
we can see that.

- Thank you.

But I am gonna
sing a song because

Zack Mandel,

I love you.

- You, uh...

- Yeah.

- Hmm, I'm sorry.

- Me too.

- I didn't mean to run
away, I just, you know-

- I know, I know.

I didn't mean to make you feel
like you couldn't come back.

- You know I told
you I didn't know

what would make me
feel this way, but...

It took you.

- That's really beautiful.

You can also thank
your terrifying friend.

She was an absolute nightmare.

- What, did Ava come and see?

Oh, my god, how's
your ball sack?

- It's fine.

- Oh, okay.

- Wait, Zack, what was she
gonna do to my ball sack?

- Shh, it's all better now.

- Hey, Zack.

- Yeah?

- Are you disappointed I'm me?

- What, what do you mean?

- I've imagined who
you are every day

for the past 15 years,
and you are exactly

who I want you to be, but am I?

- You're even better.

- What?

- You are 1,000 times better

than anything I could
have ever dreamed of.

I love you, Zack.

You are my turtle, you
are my right other turtle.

- The turtle thing again?

- Yes.

- I love you, too.

- What do you say
we get out of here?

- That sounds really good.

- Let's
reset from the top.

- Sorry, I forgot that.

Time to go, have fun.

Oh, shit.
- Please don't destroy my desk.

- Bye.

- Cut.

- So Zack was my first kiss.

- It's dry, it's
good, but it's a little dry.

- Cut for-

- I can't talk.

- I really hope you're right.

- I am right.

- Now to get back to
the important things,

you really don't know
what "blue" means?

Like, you've never
heard this before, ever?

No one's ever told you,

"I feel blue"?
- Zack, look.

You know I'm an old soul.

I don't keep up to date
with all the trends, okay?

I march to the beat
of my own drum, and-

- I'm
right, get off of me.

You know, do you know
what color this is?

- Sad.

- Okay, be right back.

- We're gonna kiss later.

Enjoy the show.

- And I hate actresses and I
don't know why you date them.

- Wait, what about me,
you like me, right?

- Yes, Peter, you're
not an actress.

- And you like me, even though
I can't do a British accent?

- I mean, it's disappointing,
but sure, I like you.

I'm gonna go get drunk.

- Okay.

- Do you mean
you're gonna go get a drink?

- I mean what I mean.

- Bye.

- I love you.

- I love you more,
baby.

Goddamn, I'm good.

- Quiet, please.

- It's the best
thing in the world.

- It's so fucking cool.

Don't be using your
credit card on that-

- Can you
guys hold real quick?

Sorry to interrupt, hold.

We're gonna dust that
hair off the jacket.

If you can get a roller, please.

Sorry, guys.

- Just like
that.

- I need more
icing, I ate it all.

- Oh, my god.

- How close
is that, actually?

Great.

- Oh, it was just an old man
asking if he smelled young.

- What?

- Get back to work.

- What?

- Get back to work
and finish the draft.

- Or else?

- I'll poop on you.

- Okay, you and
Chloe are into some weird shit.

- You're really
stupid, you know that?

- I'm sorry, who are you?

- Okay, I don't think
that's the question

you need to be asking me.

- Okay, but you just
barged into my apartment,

and I have no clue who you are-
- Oh, have I?

- Oh, I'm sorry,
I am so sorry.

- You made almost a
good rhyme, Brenda.

- I am an english
teacher, Brenda.

- Because, Zack
Mandel, I love you.

- And I sing the song.

- Cut.

- He's
got his credit card

for you whenever you're ready.
- Credit card?

- Yes.
- Man, nice try.

I don't have credit.

- Oh, really?

- No.

- Oh, that's attractive
for a first date, yeah.

- Yeah, I
know, yeah-

- Nothing says sinking
credit like love, you know?

- No, no, no, no, also
I pee myself a lot, so.

- Oh, wow, okay, cool.

Can't wait to see that.

- Okay, okay.

- This conversation's
over, don't say a word.

Oh, fuck.

- Cut.

- Will you go over narwhals
for me really quick?

- What's a narwhal?

- I think it's, like,

it's like uh-huh,

and uh-huh.

- Cut it, cut it.

- Will you go over narwhals
for me really quick?

- So it's like a cat.

- Oh.

Let's watch a- a movie.

- Okay.

- Cut, cut.

- Good things come
to those who wait.

You complicated it so much.

- I don't think so, Zack.

- That's a picture wrap
on Zack Anthony.