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- Wondermutt, go get Bob!

Hey guys!

You all got your grade cards, right?

Okay.

What have we learned this year?

Teamwork.

Sportsmanship.

How your friends look naked.

You'll notice your grade cards are blank.

Now who better to evaluate a student's progress

than the student himself?

- Good morning, young people.

Vice-principal Gills has some words for you, Mr. Gills.

- Thank you, principal Kelban.

Well, well,

I suppose that you all remember the English skills test

you took last month.

No, no.

- I had English?

- Is that the dot-to-dot puzzle?

- Yeah, that was it, yeah.

No, don't remember.

- Not surprised.

All of you failed.

However, in accordance with the district's new policies

on minimum academic proficiencies

you will all have the opportunity to retake the exam.

- Oh joy, I have a boner now.

- Hi. - Hi.

- I'm all packed, are you ready?

- One minute to go.

- Your parents have all been notified

that you'll be retested

after completing the mandatory course in remedial English

in summer school.

- What?

- What, we just finished a whole semester of school

and we gotta go to summer school?

- Crazy, I ain't going to summer school.

- My grandmother's gonna kill me!

20, 19, 18, 17,

16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11,

10, nine, eight, seven

six, five, four three, two one.

- I won, I won!

I, I, I, won, I won!

- Gills, Kelban, I did it, I did it.

Look at this puppy.

50,000 big ones.

Know what this means?

No summer school.

- Wait a minute.

You gave me your word.

- That was the old word.

My new one is "money".

- A man of your integrity would let a mere 50 grand

weaken his commitment to education?

I have seen lesser men win millions in the lottery,

go right back to busing tables.

- They're freaking morons!

Let me out of here!

Let me out of here!

- Don't look at me.

You're in charge of summer school.

- May I speak with you for a minute?

What can I do for you?

- I need you to teach summer school.

Deera Dorian just quit.

- Now didn't you teach remedial English?

- Well yes...

Wait up!

By the way...

Mary!

- Kim, get in the car.

It's okay, I'll meet you at the airport.

I'll get a cab.

Take Wondermutt with you.

- Shoop.

All right.

Mr. Shoop, oh Mr. Shoop?

Congratulations.

You've been chosen to teach summer school.

- Ah shoot!

If only I'd known sooner.

We're going to Hawaii.

- May remind you Mr. Shoop,

you're up for tenure.

You want a job next year?

- Ah come on Mr. Gills.

Look, we got leis on and everything.

- You'll be teaching remedial English.

- Remedial English?

Look, I ain't no English teacher.

See, double negative.

No I hand out basketballs, check for jock straps.

I'm like very challenged.

Oh, I'm not a real teacher.

- That's all right.

These aren't real students.

They're unmotivated, irresponsible.

Not too bright.

They'll relate to you.

- I appreciate that.

No, no, look.

The only reason I got into this whole teaching gig

in the first place was to get my summers off.

No, I'm afraid my answer has to be no.

No thank you?

- Bottom line, Mr. Shoop,

you need my recommendation for tenure.

- This is blackmail.

- We call it school spirit.

- Kim!

Have you ever seen The Wizard of Oz?

- Oh, I love that movie.

- Yeah, yeah me too.

And my favorite part is when Dorothy,

she clicks her heels together three times,

and she says, "There's no place like home.

There is no place like home."

- Oh Shoop, I understand.

- You do?

You're not disappointed?

- No.

I'll just go by myself.

- What, alone?

- I'll make friends.

- Look Kim, if you love me...

Even if you just like me a lot,

you won't do this.

- Shoop, if I didn't like you

I wouldn't ask you to drive me to the airport now, would I?

- I guess not.

- You're in room 43.

Files on your students.

A word to the wise, Mr. Shoop.

Right off the bat you show them who's in charge.

- Great.

Who is in charge?

Very cute.

- Thanks.

So are you.

Oh you meant...

I'm so embarrassed,

but you are cute.

- I'm all right.

I'm Robin Bishop.

I teach American History next door.

- Hi, Freddy Shoop.

Remedial English, right here.

Everybody just calls me Shoop.

- Okay, Shoop.

Why am I here?

Oh, thumbtacks.

Could I borrow some?

- Sure.

You know, I was just going to get my summer

bulletin board going here.

Ah, jackpot!

Whole box.

Here you go, my treat.

- Well what about your bulletin board?

- Oh yeah.

Give me one.

- Remedial English, huh?

I got it easy.

I have honor students.

They're here voluntarily.

Can you believe it?

- No.

- I've seen some of your students.

Very scary.

You must be a good teacher.

- Oh shucks, Robin.

I don't know.

Heck.

Inside every so-called bad kid is a good kid

just waiting for someone to reach on down

through the sleaze and the slime.

Pick him up and hose him off.

I mean, who knows?

We fail with even one child

we might be losing the next Ted Koppel.

We're the unsung heroes.

We're doing God's work.

And I noticed you're not wearing a wedding ring.

- Yeah, my mother noticed that too.

- So you're single.

In love, involved, what's the story here?

- This story is that I've been seeing someone,

but we just started dating.

So you do what you think is right.

- Okay.

- I gotta get going.

- Well here, I'll walk you.

So you're free to see other people then, huh?

Are you asking me out?

- Well, if I was would you say yes?

- I might.

- Well I might be asking you out.

You like Chinese?

- I hate it.

- Me too, I can't stand it.

Wanna go out sometime and not eat Chinese?

- I might.

Why don't we talk about that after school?

I'm in love again.

- Thank you ladies and gentlemen.

The crowd goes wild.

Hey.

- Kevin?

What happened to football buddy?

- Yeah man.

- I was kicked off the team for being stupid.

- All right, it's about time.

Congratulations, bud.

- Sorry I'm late.

- Hey Mr. Shoop, wow!

You in this class too?

- Huh uh, I'm teaching it.

- No way!

- All right, all right, have a seat.

Do what you want to.

Larry Kazameias.

Where's Larry? - Shh.

He's nocturnal.

- Oh okay.

Try to keep it down.

Francis Gremp.

- Don't ever call me that.

The name is Chainsaw.

- As in Black and Decker?

- As in Texas Massacre.

- Oh, yeah that's in here.

- It's in there.

- They got files.

- Pam House.

Says here you lack concentration.

Pam?

Nevermind.

Jerome Watkins.

- Computer said I failed that test.

The computer made an error.

I recommend this time I pass.

- You're going to do well, Jerome.

I can feel it.

Allen Eakian?

- Present, sir.

- Four brothers, two sisters, all straight A's students.

What are you doing here?

- I assume there was some sort of a baby mix up

at the hospital.

- Rhonda Altobello.

- Here.

You went from C's to F's.

What happened?

- Any other questions?

- No.

Denise Green.

- What's that file say about me?

Whatever it says it's a lie.

You wanna know something about me, ask me,

I'm right here.

What you wanna know?

- Where are my car keys?

- How could I know?

What, does that thing say I'm a thief too?

- All right, where are my car keys?

Chainsaw?

- They're somewhere in this room.

Right now you're very cold.

You're really cold.

- I want those keys.

- Oh God, you're freezing.

- Okay.

Okay I'm a fun guy.

I'll play along.

- Getting warmer.

- You are getting hot man.

- Oh I see smoke.

You are on fire!

Oh you're walking on the sun, ouch, oh wait, wait.

My mistake.

I forgot where I put them.

You're ice cold, dude.

- Come on, enough of this shit.

- Ooh, now does that mean we can swear in class?

- Shit yes!

- Hey watch your fucking language.

Watch your language, fart face!

- Where are my frigging car keys?

- He's the dick brain that knows.

- If I knew anything would I be in this butthole class?

Suck my lager head.

- Dammit!

- Jissum head.

- Jissum head.

Yeah, good one.

- One of my all time faves.

- Psychology.

You give a child a license to swear

they lose all interest.

- I certainly did.

- I think you're full of bull.

- It's okay, you can say bullshit in here.

- I'm grateful.

Mr. Shoop, I'm sure you're aware that I'm teaching

next door,

and this swearing bee is getting a little loud.

Do you think you could all concentrate

on some obscene gestures for a while?

Yes, that's the idea.

- I don't think she likes you.

- I want my car keys.

- I'm using the lavatory.

- Hey.

- This is worse than a gas station.

- Yeah, I think I have to go too, Mr. Shoop.

- Wait a minute, hey wait a minute.

My keys!

- Atta boy, Mr. Shoop.

- Hey, hey!

Okay, I'm calling roll and then I'm gonna...

Where's my roll sheet?

- It's somewhere in this room.

- Hey.

Sorry about the noise.

I'm really a gym teacher.

I don't belong in a classroom.

- Apology accepted.

See you later.

- Let's start all over.

Hi, I'm Freddy Shoop.

- Look Freddy, you're a semi charming guy

and a real snappy dresser.

You're just not the kind of guy I date anymore.

- Yeah, what kind of guy you dating now?

- Oh the kind that wears socks.

- I got a pair somewhere.

White ones.

So, about dinner.

Like Italian?

Mexican?

Hey, maybe you'd rather cook.

- I'm not having dinner with you.

- Okay, lunch. - Robin.

Excuse me just one sec.

Uh Robin, about tonight.

The concert starts about eight

so I thought we'd go to the beach

and have a picnic, watch the sunset.

- Sounds wonderful.

Oh bye bye, Freddy.

- I'll be darned.

You're a heterosexual.

- And a damn good one.

- Good luck honey.

- Thanks mom.

- Okay, start her up.

Make a right please.

- These photos suck.

Weddings, graduations.

Hoffen came in.

- Yeah!

- Ooh, it's more of the redhead with the tattoo.

- This time he's got her making breakfast

stark raving naked.

- Oh, Hoffen, you're so sick!

- Check out this composition.

Round English muffin, square butter,

triangular bush, the man is an artist.

Reprints!

- Hi, I'd like to sign up for Lamaze classes.

- Okay, how are Tuesday nights for you and your coach?

- Perfect, but I don't have a coach.

- Well what about the father?

- Well you see, that's sort of confusing.

It's either David Lee Roth who's on tour

or Sean Penn, and I'd really hate to upset Madonna.

- Fill this out.

- Okay, how far did we get yesterday?

- You took roll.

- Right, that shouldn't take as long today.

Pam?

- Mr. Shoop, I gotta boog.

- What, you just got here?

- Yeah.

It's a female thing.

- Yeah, I understand.

- Ah man, she's going surfing!

- I'm sure!

- Ah, look, this menstruation deal,

it's such a scam.

Girls are so lucky.

- What?

Oh, we're so lucky?

You think being on your period is some picnic in the park?

Are you crazy?

For one, you get all PMS'd out.

There's no room in your purse for no hairbrush

'cause you got all these damn mini pads.

You are so ignorant!

What can I say?

This whole class is jammed with ignorance.

- Yes, it is.

Come in here please.

Mr. Shoop.

This is our new foreign exchange student,

Anna-Maria Mazarelli.

Anna-Maria is from Milan, Italy.

She would like to brush up on her English skills

before the fall semester begins.

Well I guess I'll let you return to your rigorous

pursuit of academic excellence.

- Please.

Anna-Maria, welcome to America.

You can sit wherever you want.

- Well now this desk appears to be unoccupied.

- Gratzia.

- Okay, let's see what we got here.

Rules of grammar.

Writing paragraphs.

God, I hate this stuff.

Book reports.

Anybody wanna get out of here?

Go to the library?

Yes.

- Let's go.

- I am Chainsaw.

- Hi Chainsaw.

- I'm Dave.

Ciao.

- Well we love Italy, yeah.

The pizza, Mussolini.

And Tony Bennet.

- Uh, the mafia.

- Yeah, Chef Boyardee.

- Uh Pinocchio.

- Fellatio.

- Oh I don't like that.

- Well have you ever tried it?

- Sure, Chef Boyardee,

spaghetti in a can.

It's so mushy.

- Anna-Maria?

- Si?

- Have you seen the movie Texas Chainsaw Massacre?

- No.

It is good?

- Oh I gotta tell you, I love the film.

It had passion and a plucky spirit.

And the characters had integrity.

Like when Leatherface went on that strict diet

of human flesh.

He had to cut out chicken and fish completely.

- Dave, I agree with you.

I'll go a step further.

Sure Leatherface, he wore a mask made out of human skin

and he hung people on meat hooks.

But hey, we've all got quirks.

I've got them, you've got them Dave.

That's what makes this character so, so compelling.

Thumbs up from me.

- Same here.

- To sum it up, I'm Chainsaw.

- I'm Dave.

- We'll see you.

At the movies.

- Okay.

- Let's go people.

I found him in Winchell's.

- Here, we all chipped in.

- Hey, jelly.

I'm touched.

- This one was in the parking lot

with a surfboard.

- This is so humiliating.

- Pam.

You know I grew up surfing those same waves.

Today was phenom.

Three to four, breakdown the south,

glassy, light offshore breeze.

Had to go for the ditch.

- Thanks.

You're very spiritual.

- But the rest of you clowns...

- Hey, I gotta say something.

This whole thing is a joke.

There's a very valid reason for summer vacation.

The human brain needs rest.

- Yeah.

I mean what are we doing here?

- Hey, look.

This wasn't my idea.

I know you guys aren't exactly fired up about English

and I wouldn't know what to do if you were.

But we're stuck here.

We're trapped like rats.

Anybody got any ideas?

Um?

- Why don't we take some field trips?

- Can we do that?

- Oh yeah.

Yeah, I got permission slips right here.

- Okay, take these home.

Have your mom or dad sign them.

As soon as I get them back I'll see what I can do.

Done.

- Good.

- The Screwdriver was an utter disappointment.

I was hoping for a headache or pounding temples,

a blackout, anything.

But you know I feel fine.

Actually my headache is gone.

Thumbs down.

- Dave I'm surprised.

I found the Screwdriver simply delightful.

Fast corners, that third loop was a nice surprise.

The line moved fast.

- Is he okay?

- No Anna-Maria, it appears that he's vomiting.

That's a sure sign of a good ride.

Thumbs up.

Eeko, what did you eat?

- Don't be a pig, no!

- Hey, hey, you slime!

Stone's first farewell tour, '69.

Get out of here!

- Oh wait.

- He ripped my t-shirt.

- Oh I can sew that.

- It's not necessary, go away!

- Nothing's necessary, I want to.

- Great, I'll let you.

- The bunnies from hell!

- Get away from me!

- Thank you, thank you ladies and gentlemen.

- Thank you.

Very very much.

- What is this?

It's a lie!

- We did this for you, Anna-Maria.

How'd you like it?

- It's disgusting!

I love it!

What is that?

- Oh it's foam latex.

Keep it.

- You guys.

- Next field trip has gotta be at the beach.

- We gotta see Anna-Maria in a bikini.

It's very important.

- I understand.

- Whoa girl, this ain't the Riviera.

- Oh thank you.

- That was, that was, that was cruel.

You okay?

- Huh?

come in Mrs. Eakian.

Now, how can I help?

- Yesterday Allen came home nauseous.

Sneezing, wheezing and itching.

With goat hairs on his clothes.

He said he was at the museum

but I found this in his pocket.

- Grandma! - Shh!

Is going on throw up rides

and rubbing barnyard animals your idea

of quality education?

- Grandma! - Shh!

- Certainly not.

We'll talk to Mr. Shoop about this right now.

- I may have used poor judgment.

- You actually used judgment!

Do you realize that if anything had happened

to these kids, the lawsuits?

You could have bankrupted the entire district!

- And messed up your chance

of being elected to the state assembly.

- Yes!

- Don't wet your pants.

Watch this.

- All you had to do was babysit some social deviants.

- Some of those deviants are great kids.

- I'm sure they'll grow up to be wonderful criminals.

- They're as smart as you and me.

- You and I.

- All of us.

- You're suspended until Kelban returns

and officially fires you.

- What?

This is your fault.

You knew I couldn't teach.

- Goodbye, Mr. Shoop.

- Gills, what if I become a model teacher?

- This is gonna be fun.

Okay.

You get every kid left in your class

to pass that skills test

and I'll forget about your field trips.

- Done!

They all have to pass?

- It's called teaching.

Of course if you don't know how to do that

then I guess you don't deserve a tenure.

Do you?

- I'll teach.

Morning, class.

- Hey Mr. Shoop,

what's with the threads man?

You getting married?

- No, it must be laundry day.

Nothing else is clean, right?

- Are you going to a funeral?

- Can we come?

- Please take your seats.

Where should we take them?

- Sit down Francis.

From this moment forth you people eat English,

sleep English, you are English.

- Ah, then pastor Gremp is our boy.

- I'm not kidding around.

Anyone not interested in passing that exam

can leave right now.

- The guy's been pretty cool.

- He called me Francis.

Hasta luego.

Placido Domingo.

- Chainsaw, Dave, wait a minute.

Look, Gills is having a cow about our field trips.

Unless you guys all pass that test

my job, memorex.

Anybody got any ideas here?

- Get yourself some want ads.

- I don't care what your files say

you guys are not that dumb.

- Actually, Mr. Shoop, those files

are usually right on the money.

- You all feel that way?

- I do.

- I may as well go home.

- Mr. Shoop.

Look, we don't want you to lose your job.

Think about what you're asking.

- You want us to study?

- The thought did cross my mind.

- Well what's in it for us?

What do we get out of it?

- Literacy.

Oh sorry.

I'd like to help.

What can I do?

- Give me your car.

- And your house. - And your dog.

- See you.

- Wait, wait, wait, Mr. Shoop wait.

- There's room here to negotiate.

What if you granted each one of us one wish?

- What do you mean wish?

- You know like a favor.

I mean does anybody need anything?

- Uh, I need somebody to work out with

in case I get back on the team.

- I could use a Lamaze coach.

- I need some driving lessons, bad.

- Okay there's two of us.

Therefore we get two.

All right one, a party, your house,

fourth of July weekend.

- In Anna-Maria's honor.

Number two, you arrange a screening in class

of the greatest movie ever made.

The 1973 Tobe Hooper classic,

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

- Now that is also in Anna-Maria's honor.

- Thank you.

- Now Anna, is there anything that you desire?

- Oh I don't deserve a wish.

I'll take the test anyway.

- God, she is so honest!

We'll take hers.

Uh, chauffer service for Dave and I

every day to and from work.

- Pam, what's your wish?

- Uh, I'll tell Mr. Shoop when the time is right.

- Oh.

Larry?

Larry?

What do you want?

- Bed.

- He wants a bed.

As for myself, I just wanna be invited to the party.

- We'll see.

- Good enough.

I think these are fair and reasonable requests.

In return we'll show up,

we'll pay attention,

and we'll even do a little homework.

Is this contract acceptable to labor?

- No doubt. - Yeah.

- Does management agree?

- You sure I'm management?

- For our purposes here, yes.

Do we have a binding agreement?

- You got something.

- All right, well!

We put that baby to bed!

Let's do lunch!

Well, go ahead and teach.

- Right.

Teach.

Don't anybody move.

- Bigman?

- Excuse me, Miss Bishop?

- Mr. Shoop?

Shouldn't you be planning a field trip to Seven 11?

- I really need your help.

I know how you feel about me,

but something really bizarre has happened to my kids.

Please.

- All right.

If I get next door and there's a candlelight dinner

I'm calling security.

Continue.

The 1970 Seabed Treaty...

Do you own that suit?

What did you do, pass out Valiums?

Uh uh, it's a natural lull.

- Interesting phenomenon.

What do you want from me?

- How do you teach?

- If you're serious I'll help you.

- Great.

- Meet me after school.

We'll make plans for the weekend.

- For the weekend?

- Big guy.

- The easiest thing for you to do

is just base your lesson plans

on the student's own experiences.

- I can do that.

- Your life is probably very similar.

- Hardly.

I'm telling you, you gotta try these pop tarts.

- No, thanks.

I'm sticking with the Chocodiles.

Anyway, the best teachers are the teachers

who entertain while they teach.

So you should do just fine.

- You think I'm entertaining?

- To children.

Gotta go.

Your time's up.

- I know why you're helping.

- Professional courtesy.

- No, you like me.

- No, I don't.

Yes you do.

- No I don't.

- Yeah you do. - Do not.

- Do too.

- Don't either.

- Come on, don't you like me just a little bit?

- No.

- Not even that much?

- I like you that much.

- It's a start.

Now someone tell me why learning how to write

is so critical.

- It's a form of communication.

- Amen.

And it can get you free stuff.

- Free?

- Free.

Writing the word free.

Here's how it works.

All of us have been ripped off, right?

Payphone steals your money.

Not enough cheese on your pizza.

- My shades keep falling apart.

- Perfect.

Now you're going to write that company a letter

and you're going to see action

if your letter is clearly written

and your letter threatens to hurt their business

and is signed, forgive me Chainsaw,

Mr. Francis Gremp.

President, consumer against faulty eyewear.

- You want me to lie?

Okay.

- Now anyone interested in learning the correct form,

please turn to page 46 in your textbook.

Shit works.

- You know maybe I'm not cut out to be a linebacker.

- No look.

You're looking at my shoulders.

Don't, focus on my waist.

Okay, my waist.

All right, try it again.

Go on.

That's good.

Remember I'm your teacher.

You wanna learn how to surf?

- Are you sure you wanna do this?

- Absolutely.

Lamaze class.

Great place to meet girls.

Okay Denise, slide over.

- Oh no!

Is this some kind of sick, twisted joke?

- Nope, combining Denise's driving lesson

with your ride to the beach.

Come on, get in.

- We took driver training with Denise.

Call us a cab.

- Get your grizzly butts in the car.

- Man, let me drive.

I'm going for my license next week.

- Chainsaw.

You've been drinking.

- No it's cough medicine.

Check out this phlegm.

Save the phlegm.

You're not driving anywhere.

- I'll tell you something and this is fact,

you know why so many drunk drivers get in wrecks?

Because they don't learn to drive drunk.

- Fact, alcohol kills brain cells.

You lose one more, you're a talking monkey.

Come on, get in.

Come on!

Okay Denise, start her up.

Signal left.

Pull on out.

- Can I call my folks and say I won't be home, ever?

- I'm not used to this car.

- I think it's safe.

Scoot out.

Nice and smooth.

Oh yeah that's...

Fine, good.

Why'd you do that?

- Car was coming.

- Well that'll happen from time to time.

Come on Denise.

You won't bother us.

We just got lapped by an old lady with a walker.

- You see that space between those two cars?

- Yeah.

- Pull in.

- You mean parallel park?

Shoot, that's my weak spot.

- Listen to her.

- I'm sober now.

- That's good for today.

We live!

- It's beautiful.

- Enough safe and sane.

It's time for dumb and dangerous.

- These are Mexican.

You do not know what's in these babies.

Anna-Maria.

As we know, this has never, ever been attempted.

- Anna-Maria.

We dedicate these cantaloupe to you.

- You make food bombs for me?

Oh that's sweet!

- Melon balls coming up!

- Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

- Hey wait, I wanna talk about school.

- Not now babe, I'm late.

- Late for what?

- What's it like being pregnant?

- Bizarre.

- Yeah, that's what I thought.

- My body's out of control,

and it's big and ugly.

- I think you look great.

- Sure, in the dark.

- How much longer?

- About five weeks.

God, it's going to be amazing.

- I know.

You'll be a mother.

- Yeah.

Eakian,

this party's getting weak.

Do something wild.

Take all your clothes off.

- Why, you want everyone to go home?

- You're almost fun tonight.

Almost.

- You all right?

- Yeah.

Come on in.

Resting up, too much fun.

- It's all sewn.

- Hey thanks, it's great.

- I feel so at home here.

- Yeah, me too.

- The grunion are running tonight.

In the dead of night under a full moon

thousands of horny little fish

swim hundreds of miles

to bawl their brains out in the sand.

So romantic.

You ever do that with one of your students?

- No.

I swim hundreds of miles, I'm ready for a nap.

Who's that?

- Ah, it's Kim.

She's sort of my girlfriend.

- Sort of?

- Well, she's in Hawaii.

- So you're all alone,

and you like young girls?

- Kim's not that young, she's 21.

- I'm 16.

And did you consider that?

Because there's like no difference between 21 and 16 now.

But when she's 66, I'll only be 61.

- And I'll be 75 and it won't matter anyway.

- Yeah.

- Come on Pam, time for more fun.

Wondermutt!

- Guys, my couch is on fire!

My fish!

- How many were there?

- One.

Poor fishy.

- You gotta get rid of that couch.

That is a definite fire hazard.

- Definitely.

- Party's over.

- Oh come on, it was just getting good.

Got a fire... - Goodnight!

- One little fire. - Wow.

- Minors drinking on the beach.

- Seriously, we never do this.

- Boy, never ever.

Oh, there's our English teacher.

Let's ask him.

Oh Mr. Shoop sir,

could you come here just a moment please?

- Hey guys.

- Hi. - Hi.

- What's up?

- Found these boys in possession of alcohol.

- That alcohol, officer?

Oh, that's not theirs.

- No, whose is it?

- It's mine.

See, I, I,

I live in that house right there,

and they were just watching my stuff.

- That's right, it's his.

- We should never have taken those little baby sips.

That was wrong.

- God, so very very wrong.

- I think they learned one hell of a lesson, officer.

- Next time you boys encounter an alcoholic beverage

I hope you remember you're under age.

- Yes, sir.

We will. - Of course, thanks.

- Thank you.

Well, we're off to do our homework.

- Yeah, all right,

thank you officer, bye. - Thank you.

- Oh we should never have tried this.

- It was a mistake.

That was bad. - Should've just said no.

- You guys are good men.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

- You're under arrest for contributing

to the delinquency of a minor.

- What?

Officer, that's not really my vodka.

- Is that your dog?

- Yeah. - No dogs on the beach.

50 dollar fine.

- He's not really my dog.

- Let's roll. - He just thinks he's my dog.

No really, he's a neighborhood dog.

He just hangs out at my place 'cause there's more

garbage there than any place.

No, he's a scavenger.

He'll eat anything.

He's a beach dog.

Go away beach dog.

Uh, you have a cell for beginners?

Who wants gum?

Please leave your message after the beep.

Robin, it's your pal Shoop.

I can't leave my number 'cause I'm downtown in jail.

- Jail?

- What, you're surprised?

I got arrested in my swim trunks

so I need 50 bucks and a pair of shoes.

It's a long story.

Listen Robin,

please don't mention this to that bite in the ass Gills.

You're an angel.

Dinner, dancing, Paris, you name it.

- Hello Mr. Shoop.

- Who is this?

- It's the bite in the ass.

- Ha, when I say bite in the ass I mean that

in the nicest possible way.

Can I talk to Robin please?

- I'm afraid Robin and I are on our way out of town.

- But don't worry, we'll be right over.

He's still a human being, Phillip.

- Robin, we have a very long drive ahead of us.

If we go downtown now we'll be stuck in all that traffic

and that's okay with me

because then we'd be helping our good friend Mr. Shoop

and you won't think I'm a shit.

Right?

- Am I in really big trouble?

- A teacher arrested for contributing

to the delinquency of minors.

- You're not a hero.

What is this?

- I made a new friend.

- Mr. Shoop,

I do hope that we can get you out of this ugly little mess.

And it is ugly.

- You know Mr. Shoop's been making a lot of progress

in his class, Phillip.

- It's true.

I've been handing out assignments,

and the kids turn them in and everything.

It's almost like school in there.

- I've heard and I'm proud.

Confirms all my instincts about him.

He's my boy.

Robin, let's get out of here.

We're on our way to wine country.

- You kids uh, have fun.

See those waves, Wondermutt?

They're from Hawaii.

Kim's in Hawaii.

Robin's in the wine country.

You know what we need?

I mean besides bread.

We need a woman who'd appreciate

what we have to offer.

Woman of culture.

Intellect.

- Shake them buns, baby!

Come on, bring those buns over here.

Momma's got some software for you, baby.

- Excuse me.

I'm with Playgirl Magazine.

- Survey me later, will you.

I'm trying to concentrate.

Come on, baby!

- Thanks for your time.

- Get them buns over here.

Ah!

- Hey, hey, cowboy!

Don't I know you?

- Hey back off, hand bag.

This is ladies night.

- Larry!

- Mr. Shoop?

What are you doing here?

- What am I doing here?

You do this every night?

- We have Mondays off.

- Listen man, you can't tell anybody, okay?

They I think I'm 21.

- You were fabulous.

This is from both of us.

- I'm in the wrong business.

Yeah, but about school Larry,

I mean I think if you could sneak in

a couple of hours sleep,

you can catch up with the rest of the class.

- Mr. Shoop man, think about what you're saying.

I mean if you could be 17 again

and you know then what you know now.

- Yeah.

- Well I know.

- I hate that kid.

- Who we admire most in the world

and why.

The person we admire most in the world

is makeup artist and creature creator Rick Baker.

- His wonderfully gruesome slime splatters

and slobber tubes in American Werewolf in London

won him a richly deserved Oscar.

That is why we admire makeup artist

and creature creator Rick Baker

very very very very very very very.

- Very, very, very, very, very, very,

- Very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very,

- Very, very, very, very, very, very much.

That's 100 words on the nose.

- You can count if you want.

- It is not easy to pick the person I admire most.

I admire people for different reasons.

The way they surf or teach English from the heart,

help the homeless.

To pick one person is so unfair to everyone else.

Isn't there enough pain in the world?

- Since there's no one I admire most,

this is about a person I admire least.

My ex-boyfriend Andre.

If he ever tells you he broke up with me first,

he's a lying dog.

'Cause I definitely told him get out of my face first.

You know how I can tell when he's lying?

His lips move, I'm serious.

He's so in love with his self

he oughta be dating a mirror.

The way he walks around in them skin tight leather pants

thinking he's Rick James's little brother or something.

Give the world a break.

- Denise, can I have your paper?

- Uh no.

- No?

- Well, I had to memorize my essay

due to the fact that I was mugged by a gang

looking for money and homework.

- That happens.

Okay gang, mark your calendars.

Field trip next Monday.

- Where are we going?

Cock fights?

- Courthouse.

Your teacher was arrested for giving vodka to some kids.

You and Dave won't want to miss it.

- You went to jail for us?

- On roller skates.

- Thanks man.

- Um hum.

Pam?

- Hi.

- What are you doing here?

- Remember I said I'd tell you my wish

when the time was right?

It's right.

- Your wish is to move in with me?

- I'm a great cook.

- Uh huh.

- I won't get in your way.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- You know we connect.

- Pam, look,

my place is very small.

- It's perfect.

Look, Tommy, that's my bother.

He had another kid and Angela, she's his wife,

she wants to move the twins back into Gail's room

and then put Sally in the den,

which means I lose the couch.

- Yeah well my couch is real barbecued.

- The floor is fine.

Mr. Shoop, everybody else got their wish.

- Okay, Pam.

If I let you stay here

it's only temporary until you find another place, okay?

- I can stay!

- Who are you talking to?

- Um, this is Tommy and Angela. - Hi.

And Gail, and Sally, and Sly,

and the twins, Chuck and Bob and Tommy Junior.

This is Mr. Shoop.

- How are you doing? - Nice to meet you.

She screams so well.

Ah, don't be a wuss!

Shut up!

- Run, run!

- Larry, Larry wake up, you're missing this!

- Larry's not missing a thing.

Let him sleep.

- Leatherface, Leatherface, Leatherface, Leatherface.

Oh no!

Okay everybody, that's not a real person.

It's a stunt man.

Okay now this, this right here

isn't gonna bother him

because he's insane, okay?

- Good Lord, what are you watching?

Do the dance for me baby!

New film from the district.

Safe use of power tools.

- Special delivery.

I don't wanna know what this is, do I?

- No, probably not.

- What did you think of that, Anna-Maria?

- God, it was really American.

- American yes, it's an American masterpiece.

It's it's, talk about gutsy endings.

The girl, the girl gets away

and our hero Leatherface,

he chainsaws his own legs.

Two thumbs up.

Make that four for gore.

- Listen up, I wanna read you something.

Dear Mr. Francis Gremp,

thank you for informing us of your problem

with our Cool Dude sunglasses.

- It worked!

- Please accept this assortment of Cool Dudes

with our compliments.

- All right, it's Christmas-time.

Free glasses!

- Are these free, wow!

- We know you'll find them well constructed

and we hope your organization will see no need

to pursue with the boycott.

Sincerely, Wayne Appleton.

President, Cool Dude, Inc.

- All right, power of the pen.

- Hey, thanks Chainsaw!

- Man, you think you can help me with my letter?

You know, make it sound official?

- Sure, Denise.

You wanna give it to me.

- Okay, for extra homework

write a review of Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

- Rhonda, um...

Uh, if you're not doing anything tomorrow night

I thought maybe we could do something.

- Oh I have a Lamaze class tomorrow night.

Do you wanna go with me?

- Um, what about Mr. Shoop?

- Oh he won't care.

I mean, if you don't mind being my coach.

- I wouldn't mind at all.

- Great.

- See you.

- Mr. Shoop.

You should see this,

but you can't let Denise know I showed you.

Okay?

- Okay.

- Shoop.

This girl's dyslexic.

- What are you talking about?

That's not in her file.

- This is serious.

You gotta get her some help.

- Well, how could she get this far

without anybody finding out?

- She slipped through the system.

- What happens when she gets out in the real world?

- Wait a minute.

Is this the same guy that took his English class

to the petting zoo?

- Um hum.

- How'd you get those kids to work?

- Bribed them.

What would it take to get you

to have dinner with me tonight?

- That would be very expensive.

I'm having dinner with Gills.

- Big Phil again, huh?

Come on Robin, be honest.

Isn't he a bite in the ass?

- No, he's not a bite in the ass.

He happens to be very...

Articulate.

Cultured.

Extraordinarily tidy.

- Tall, dark and tidy.

That's a magic combination.

Not in love with him, are you?

- None of your business.

- Sure it is. - No it isn't.

- Yes it is.

You tell me you love him,

I'll stop asking you out.

- How am I gonna tell you I love him

when it's all so new?

- Ha, I knew it!

See Robin, he's not the guy for you.

You need an intelligent sensitive man who can skate.

- Do you know such a guy?

- Oh, they're hard to find.

But now that I know what you're looking for,

I'll keep my eye out.

- Would you?

- Looking good, Denise.

Good luck.

- Sir, you are really going to earn your money today.

- Francs Gremp?

- Call me Chainsaw.

- You're up next.

- You hold on a sec?

Dad's late.

He's so irresponsible.

I said dad, three o'clock sharp.

But no, it's just in one ear, out the other.

I need your car.

- You wanna use my car?

- Just, I'm under adult supervision.

- Chainsaw, you take your test

and you bring my car right back here to me.

- You make me proud to be an American.

Dave, kiss this man.

You, come with me.

No, no, you stay there.

I'll bring the car to you.

You back this up, I'm taking a test, all right?

Just move all the way back.

- What, what'd I do?

- Don't worry about me.

See those cars on the right?

Go ahead and park in between them.

- What do you mean?

You mean parallel park?

- Something wrong?

- No, nothing.

Yeah!

- We going on the freeway?

- I think we'll just stay in the neighborhood.

Mr. Gremp, why are you driving with only one hand?

- Oh, this hand's gotta be free to put around the babes.

What are you marking me out just 'cause I'm doing that?

Watch the dip!

- Don't you ever, ever yell at the driver!

Do you hear me?

Where are you going?

- Back, the test is over.

- No way!

This is your fault.

This is bullshit, come on!

I stayed sober for this.

You can't do this.

Come back you dumb dildo!

Wait, no.

You're not a dildo.

I was joking, that was a joke.

Come on, be cool, one more chance.

Wait, um...

- You lost points for driving too slow

and not accepting the right of way.

- Failed again.

- 70 is passing.

72.

- I Passed?

- You passed.

- I passed, oh I did!

I Passed!

I Passed!

I Passed!

I Passed!

- I'm proud of you.

Congratulations, Denise.

- Oh man I couldn't have done it without you really.

- Now come on, you drove the car.

- Well look I owe you one, all right?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Okay, tell you something you can do for me.

- What?

- Get some help with your reading.

- Man. - Listen, Denise.

What you have is a learning disorder called dyslexia.

You need to retrain your brain

to deal with information in a new way.

There's a specialist that will help you after school.

- Look, I'm doing all right.

- Yeah, you are.

But you could be doing so much better.

But that's up to you.

Hey.

Think about it, okay?

- Okay, free film.

Free developing.

Come on, what more could you want?

Here.

My dad's a butcher.

You like veal cutlet from Minnesota?

Milk that.

- Oh hi honey, how was your day?

- Hectic.

Boy something smells good.

- Manicotti.

Perfect timing.

Why don't you start on the cheese and crackers.

- Yeah, it's open.

Hi.

- Hey.

- I just brought this Ray Bradbury book...

Maybe I should come back later.

- Why?

- Hi Miss Bishop.

- Hi.

- Oh, Robin, Pam House.

One of my students.

Pam, Robin Bishop.

- Hi.

- Hi, Pam.

- Freddy, I really didn't make enough for three.

If you're planning on inviting company for dinner

I wish you'd call and let me know.

- No, he wasn't actually.

I just stopped by to help him with his lesson,

but we can do that in the morning.

- Oh, morning is much better.

I'll make French toast for the three of us.

Do you like French toast?

- I bet she makes great French toast.

- I actually meant morning at school.

Oh fine.

- It's nice to meet you, Pam.

You too.

- Robin.

- I know this is none of my business.

But what the hell is going on in there?

- There's nothing going on in there.

Remember those bribes?

Well, Pam needed a place to stay.

- How long has she been here?

- A couple of days.

Look, my laundry has never smelled so good.

Here, take a whiff.

- I'm sure it's April fresh.

I just hope having a maid is worth the damage

you could do to that young girl.

See you tomorrow.

- All ready.

- Great.

- French or Italian?

- French.

- I knew it.

- Pam.

We gotta talk.

- Sure, what's up?

- I think you are a great girl.

- And I think you're a great guy.

- God, this is hard.

- Freddy, go ahead.

You can tell me anything.

- Okay.

You know how when you're on your board

and you see the perfect wave rolling in

and you think you got it?

- Um hum.

- Only something happens and you don't get it.

I mean, the key to the whole thing is timing.

If you're even a little out of sync, you're grim,

you've blown the barrel, you're seaweed,

but then you look outside

and you see an even more perfect wave

than the first perfect wave.

And that's the one you catch.

Do you know what I mean?

- Yeah.

Yeah, I get it.

Surfing metaphors.

You're the perfect wave.

And I'm seaweed.

And if you want me out of your house just say it.

- No, no, I'm not the perfect wave.

It's not just that I want you out of my house.

- No, you want me out of your life.

- Pam look, I'm your teacher.

- No, no.

Look, anytime one person lets himself

care deeply about another person

that person runs a risk of being rejected and destroyed.

I'll go get my things.

- Now wait a minute.

Look, you've cooked dinner.

It looks beautiful.

Let's sit down, eat.

- It's just food.

- Okay, I'm going to collect your book reports.

Then we are on our way to court.

Homework, Pam?

- You expect me to relate to the written word

after the hell you put me through?

Talk about shallow.

I've stepped in deeper puddles.

- You're excused.

- Mr. Shoop, don't you want mine?

- Larry, you're awake!

With homework!

What's wrong with you?

- I got fired.

They found out my real age.

- Hey, I didn't say a word.

- No it's all right.

My mom came to a show.

- Your mother?

- It was a nightmare.

And before she knew who I was

she put five bucks in G string.

And then my aunt Edna,

she kisses me.

With tongue.

And rips off my mask.

And mom freaked out.

She made me put on her coat.

- Sorry.

- You're sorry?

I'm at my sexual peak.

Once a guy hits 18

it's all downhill.

- But it's a lovely ride.

- Mr. Shoop, why did you tell the arresting officers

that the vodka found in the possession of Mr. Gremp

and Mr. Frazier belonged to you?

- Your honor, I was trying to keep a couple of my students

out of trouble.

David and Francis have enough problems as it is.

- It's true, your honor.

- Our lives are a mess.

- Guys, don't help.

- Where did you young men obtain the vodka in question?

- From Murray.

- Who's Murray.

- You know Murray.

Everybody knows Murray.

From Murray's Liquor.

- Didn't this Murray ask to see proof of age?

- Well I come out pretty mature.

- Did you show him proof of age or not?

- Yeah, I guess I did.

- May I see it please?

- Um, I'd rather you didn't.

- I'd rather I did.

You were a black Marine in 1968?

- Vietnam.

A war puts a man through many many changes.

- Young man, the possession of false identification

and of alcohol by a minor are serious crimes.

You've just confessed to both of them.

- I didn't mean to.

- Well ever since the arresting officers

let you off with a warning,

I'll probably do the same.

- Is this guy bitching or what?

- Now Mr. Shoop...

- Your honor.

My name is Robin Elizabeth Bishop

and I'm also on the faculty with the defendant.

I submit that this man went to jail for his students.

Very few teachers ever exhibit that degree of dedication.

Therefore, your honor, I move...

- Don't move, Miss Bishop.

You're out of order.

And you're also correct.

Mr. Shoop, these charges will be dropped.

Case dismissed.

All right!

All right!

- Shoop!

Let me tell you something.

The judgment about that dedicated teacher crap,

the fact remains that you covered up,

thereby condoning student drinking.

I am filing report for Kelban with the entire story.

Face it.

Those kids' test scores aren't going to save you.

Because they're losers

just like you.

Hi.

I was just congratulating our good friend, Mr. Shoop.

Now how about lunch, sweetheart?

- Tell you what, sweetheart.

Why don't you go ahead,

order two lunches and eat them yourself.

One for each face.

- Okay.

Today we take a practice test.

Pinpoint each of the weak spots.

Then we work a couple hours after school

and really straighten them out.

- Whoa, whoa, wait, wait.

Practice test, extra class time?

That wasn't in the contract.

Eakian, get him.

- Hey the test is in two weeks.

You all need the extra work.

- I'm afraid we're gonna need some extra incentive.

- Yeah, like a party with a band.

- I could use some wheels bad.

- And get me a job, man, doing strip-o-grams.

- I don't believe this greed.

- Believe it man.

I need a house boy.

- It's a simple matter of renegotiating our contracts.

- Renegotiate?

Who do you think you are, Teamsters?

- Yeah, Teamsters.

Strike!

- Look, for the past four weeks

I have given up all of my free time.

Had my body used for a tackling dummy,

my house trashed,

my couch set on fire,

my goldfish murdered,

my butt thrown in jail,

and my car wrecked.

All I'm asking for is a little extra effort.

You know what's sad is you guys can all pass that test.

But you're just so happy being failures

that you just don't know...

Why am I doing this?

Tell you what,

you guys drop out and be illiterate.

I'm going to Hawaii and be tan.

- Have a cow.

- Damn!

Hey, thanks for the help.

Good luck.

- Where are you going?

- To quit.

- You can't quit.

- Sure I can, I never got through to anybody.

- Oh, that's not true.

Those kids were learning.

You're not a quitter.

- Yes I am.

- How can you say that?

I've turned you down for dinner

at least a dozen times in the last four weeks.

You haven't quit bugging me.

- Wanna go out to dinner tonight?

- Can't.

- See?

- Everybody take a seat.

You, in the cot, out of bed.

- Where's Mr. Shoop?

- Mr. Shoop has tendered his resignation.

Now sit down.

Would someone tell me what Mr. Shoop had planned for today?

Yes?

- Group sex.

No, that's tomorrow!

Today is independent study

right after our mid-morning nap.

- Don't think you can pull this BS with me.

I wanna see everybody taking text books out

and turn to chapter seven.

- Read it again.

Who's making that noise?

- What noise, I don't hear any noise?

What you got, dog ears?

- Chainsaw, stop doing that.

- Stop doing what?

You know I hear it too

and it's very annoying.

I wish you'd find the hooligan that's responsible

because I am trying to read chapter seven.

Again.

Mr. Gills, I just cannot study.

I'm going to the library.

- Chainsaw, sit down.

You people can hum til your lips fall off.

I could care less.

Wait a minute.

You're not dismissed.

You know I promise you,

you people act like psychopaths tomorrow

and you will be sorry.

- Ooh, we will be sorry.

- Mr. Gills sure does know his child psychology.

- So Miss Cura, I just wanted to let you know

that the children are a little hyper active,

but I'm sure that you'll enjoy their... gwave d'vive.

- Well so far I've only subbed at grammar schools

so this should be a nice change.

- Denise, Denise, take it easy.

What happened?

- Don't go in there without a gun, it's terrible!

- Is this my classroom?

- Yes, it is.

- Who's blood is that?

Is that your blood?

- No!

We're back!

- What is wrong with you people?

- It's like you said, Gills.

We're psychopaths!

- Somebody better call the school psychiatrist.

- I'm not amused.

Turn off those motors!

Everybody get up.

Now!

- I'm not ready for high school.

- Why'd she leave?

Didn't she like us?

- Where's her sense of humor?

- I have seen some sick things before,

but this,

this is...

- Devilishly clever.

- Vomenous!

- Thank you.

- We take a lot of pride in our work.

- Look, we want Shoop back.

- Why would Shoop wanna come back?

So Kelban can fire him?

- He might surprise you.

We did today.

- And we've got more for tomorrow.

- Do we have a deal?

- Wondermutt, I do not wanna play.

Not now, I'm busy.

- Hi.

- Tough day at school?

- We've been torturing Gills.

- Yeah, he said you could have your job back.

- Now why would I want my job back?

- Hey, my life is sailing.

Got a radio, blanket, beach chair, dark glasses,

...dog.

Why would I want to go back to you guys?

- How about we can't pass that test without you?

- Me and Chainsaw,

we've been sober for two days, four hours and 15 minutes.

- No kidding?

- Swear to God.

Reality is so unreal.

- But it is a nice change.

- True, thumbs up.

- Um,

I think you should know that your phase

have outgrown you.

But I do want to be friends if you can handle it.

- Shoop,

I'm seeing a reading specialist this afternoon too.

- Look, study in school, after school, whatever it takes,

we need a teacher.

What do you say, Mr. Shoop?

- Please?

- How can I say no to these cute little faces?

Your practice test scores were great.

Hey come on, you've been here 12 hours.

I want you to go home.

Forget about this test.

Get a good night's sleep.

I'll see you tomorrow.

8:00 AM, the lecture hall.

Hey, trust me.

Come on, you're going to kick ass and take names.

Believe it.

- We're really that ready?

- Ready, what time is the test tomorrow?

8:00 AM.

- You see, the correct answers do not stop.

Now go on, get out of here, all of you.

Before the college recruiters show up

and try to drag you all off to Harvard.

Hey, I mean it.

Wondermutt, look, I found Bob!

Ha ha.

Go get it!

- Morning mom.

- Morning sweetheart.

- Morning dad.

- How do you want your eggs, honey?

Fried, scrambled?

- I don't know.

What are eggs?

- I'll surprise you.

- How do you spell cat?

- I don't know.

- Honey, what's wrong?

- I don't know what's wrong.

Everything's blank!

I don't know anything.

I don't know anything!

I don't know anything!

- Chainsaw, Chainsaw, Chainsaw!

Are you all right?

- I had a nightmare.

- About what?

- I don't know.

- Great day for a test, huh?

- Yeah.

Hey Shoop.

- An apple.

- For the teacher.

Give them hell.

- Hey, hey, we're testing in here.

- I know I'm in your class.

- I remember you.

Where you been?

- Bathroom.

- Six weeks?

- My zipper got stuck.

- Do not open the test booklets until you are told to do so.

Using a number two pencil

take your answer sheet and fill in your name.

Last name first, first name second, middle initial last

on the first line.

Do this now.

- This officer is here to see that there is no cheating.

- This officer is here to see that there is no cheating.

- Festival of screw ups and their king.

- Mr. Gills extends his warmest personal regards

and best wishes.

- Thanks for caring, man.

- Okay, break the seals on your test booklets now,

and turn to the section titled Reading Vocabulary.

You will have 20 minutes to complete this section.

Everybody ready?

- Tension breaker, had to be done.

- Anybody else?

Good luck gang.

Ready, begin.

Sorry.

- It's starting.

- Now?

Shit.

How far apart?

- 12 minutes.

- Try and slow it down.

Forget about the... - Shh!

- 30 seconds left.

- C, C, C, C.

C, C, C, C.

- And...

- 20 more seconds, 20 seconds.

- Stop.

Pencils down.

- C, C, C.

- Drop them!

- Just stay seated until Anna-Marie

has a chance to pick up your test sheets.

- Miss Mazzarelli, can I have those tests

after you're finished collecting them please?

Yeah Ken.

- Um, can Rhonda and I be excused?

She's having a baby.

- She's having a baby?

- I wanna see this.

- Calm down, everybody just stay in your seats.

No problem, no problem here at all.

Rhonda, why didn't you say something?

- Because I wanted to finish my test.

- What do you need, hot water, a ride, money?

- All we need is a hospital.

- Well what can I do?

- Get out of my way.

- I can do that.

Carmine, get out of her way!

Get the door.

- Save the umbilical cord.

- And the afterbirth if it's convenient.

Good thinking.

- Come on, easy easy this way.

Watch out, watch out.

- You look terrific.

- I'm feeling pretty good.

- That's great.

- The baby is healthy and happy.

And my coach was incredible.

- Yeah well I couldn't have done it without you.

- No cord, huh?

- Hey, when do we get to see the little whippersnapper?

- Rhonda, don't let those two near your baby, please.

- Well it won't be a problem.

I'm giving her up for adoption.

She's going to a really good home.

- That's nice.

- I'm not ready to be a mom.

- Mr. Shoop.

- Ciao.

- Ciao, gang.

How's it going?

- All right. - Okay.

- Bad news.

Gills said he's mailing you your scores.

- We failed.

- He just said the average grade was below passing.

- So we failed.

- Hey, you didn't fail.

I failed.

- Field trips to the beach.

A bed in your classroom.

Drinking at the beach.

Screening of Texas Chainsaw Massacre One.

Quite a summer, Mr. Shoop.

- I tried to keep it interesting.

- I have this dismissal ready for your signature, sir.

- Before I sign anything,

I understand there are some people waiting

to speak on Mr. Shoop's behalf.

- Really?

- Come in.

- Mr. Kelban, you're not actually going to listen

to these delinquents?

- No, I'm going to listen to their parents.

I'm Principal Kelban.

Is there a spokesperson here?

- I guess I am.

I'm Howard Gremp.

- You're Chainsaw's father.

Interesting boy.

- You can say it.

He's a lunatic.

- Dad.

- Six weeks ago I thought he had the IQ of a salad bar.

His only interest in life was to make people sick.

I mean if my mother came to dinner

he would give the dog a third eye

or an extra leg.

Because of him we stopped having kids.

I mean you can imagine the feeling

when I saw him studying.

The wife and I almost burst into tears.

- David was doing his homework too.

- It makes sense, they share the same brain.

- Not only did Mr. Shoop get my daughter to read.

He taught how to drive.

- He showed Kevin there's more to life than just football.

I'm not sure I agree, but it's possible.

- This man should not be teaching.

Proof is right here in these test results.

Look for yourself, Mr. Shoop.

Passing is 70.

Average score here was 63.

They failed.

- That is not true, Mr. Gills.

- You mean we passed?

- Well, no, no, not all of you,

but that's not what's important here.

Larry,

went from an 18 to a 51!

- If I'd only seen you strip a week sooner.

- Oh, mom my...

- Rhonda, from a 29 to a 43,

and she gave birth.

- Isn't childbirth grounds for make up test?

- It always has been.

- This woman thing never fails.

- Eakian, a 51 to a 74.

- I passed, I am an Eakian, grams!

- All right, Eeker.

- Denise, no previous test score

because you ditched every test,

but a 38.

- Honey, that's terrific!

- We'll get them next time.

- Kevin. - Yeah.

- From a 48 to a 75!

- Dad, I'm back on the team!

- Chainsaw, last score was six.

This time 59.

Monster comeback.

That's good.

- And Dave, from a 26 to a 70.

- I Passed!

- You made it!

- You passed, you passed and I failed,

you asshole, how can you do that to me?

- It was an accident.

Take it again.

I can fail, I know it.

- And Pam went from a 53 to an 82!

- Was that the highest?

- Well almost.

I mean that guy who spent six weeks in the bathroom

got a 91.

But look, there's more going on here

than test scores and grades.

You all worked hard and you improved.

- Yeah, that's very nice, Mr. Shoop.

- The point is we are here to discuss Mr. Shoop's

flagrant violation of school policy.

- Hold it Gills.

According to my numbers,

the average scores here increase from 28 to 63.

Now that's 125 percent improvement.

Now that's teaching.

Yeah.

- Mr. Shoop, I'm granting your tenure.

- He's back, ladies and gentlemen!

- This is the last time I ask, I promise.

Will you have dinner with me?

I'll think about it.

Can I use some of that lip stuff?

- Does this mean we can have dinner tonight?

- I didn't say that.

We'll just talk about it over breakfast.