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Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
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Adam, I've brought you a present
to help you with your fundraising.
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00:00:33,799 --> 00:00:35,518
I saw this and thought of you.
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00:00:35,519 --> 00:00:37,518
It's an old-fashioned,
but effective way
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00:00:37,519 --> 00:00:41,598
to let people know that this
church needs a little help.
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Did it help... what's the name
of the church it's just come from?
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00:00:44,439 --> 00:00:47,798
St Alkmunds.
Sadly, no. It's been closed down.
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00:00:47,799 --> 00:00:51,158
The incumbent there had to be
dragged screaming from the building.
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00:00:51,159 --> 00:00:52,558
What's happened to him?
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00:00:52,559 --> 00:00:55,598
Well, rumour has it that he's
re-trained as a Bikram yoga teacher.
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00:00:55,599 --> 00:00:58,558
So sad. He should have gone on one
of Roland Wise's
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00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:01,078
'Transform Your Church' courses,
like I told him to.
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00:01:01,079 --> 00:01:04,918
Did you? Roland saves your church
and entertains you while he does it.
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00:01:04,919 --> 00:01:06,678
Would you like to go on one?
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00:01:06,679 --> 00:01:09,038
This is because of my emergency
re-wiring, isn't it?
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00:01:09,039 --> 00:01:11,158
You have spent all your money.
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00:01:11,159 --> 00:01:13,918
And there is a groundswell
of feeling within the members
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00:01:13,919 --> 00:01:16,078
of the Deanery Chapter
and the House of Laity,
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that St Saviour's has
been subsidised for far too long.
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They can't see the point of the
largest and oldest church
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in the area? They feel that the
money spent on your stipend
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00:01:24,759 --> 00:01:27,998
could be "more imaginatively used
elsewhere". Their phrase.
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Well, they're wrong! MY phrase.
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00:01:31,639 --> 00:01:34,518
In Show & Tell
at the next Deanery Synod
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00:01:34,519 --> 00:01:36,638
you need to show them
that you can pay your way,
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otherwise they will begin
the process of closing the church.
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I'll send you the link to Roland's
course.
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00:01:46,639 --> 00:01:48,999
Filly, filly, uppy, uppy!
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00:02:03,159 --> 00:02:07,678
'I can't believe he turned up with
his stupid, throbbing thermometer.
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00:02:07,679 --> 00:02:10,358
'Why does the church want me
to behave like a businessman
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00:02:10,359 --> 00:02:12,238
'the whole time, when I'm not?
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00:02:12,239 --> 00:02:15,678
'Cor, look at that hotel!
Or this one!
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00:02:15,679 --> 00:02:18,878
'I'd like to take Alex
to places like these.
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00:02:18,879 --> 00:02:22,838
'I worry about her at the moment.
I don't see enough of her.
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00:02:22,839 --> 00:02:25,678
'I must try and take her away,
so we can have a good old...'
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00:02:25,679 --> 00:02:27,478
You going to buy that or not?
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00:02:27,479 --> 00:02:30,358
You can't just stand around in here
looking at porn.
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00:02:30,359 --> 00:02:33,678
It's a travel magazine.
Yeah, right!
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00:02:33,679 --> 00:02:36,478
D'you want your fags?
No, I've quit.
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00:02:36,479 --> 00:02:39,958
Why are you lying?
I'll get this.
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Dirty bugger!
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Thank you.
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00:02:55,119 --> 00:02:56,918
Hi, hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.
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00:02:56,919 --> 00:02:59,798
Rob! Jeremy! How are you both?
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00:02:59,799 --> 00:03:03,718
Great, good to see you. Hi. Hi.
Hi, hi.
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00:03:03,719 --> 00:03:05,198
How's God?
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00:03:05,199 --> 00:03:07,758
Oh, he's very good, I think. Busy.
Out a lot.
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00:03:07,759 --> 00:03:11,038
The successful wife.
You've heard her great news?
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00:03:11,039 --> 00:03:13,838
Yes. We assume you'll be
promoted to Bishop next.
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00:03:13,839 --> 00:03:15,238
Yes, any minute, any minute.
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Forget my job, it's going to be
a disaster. Tell him your news.
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It's much more exciting! What? What?
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Shall I get us a bottle?
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Rob and I are getting married.
We've suddenly decided to.
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00:03:24,519 --> 00:03:26,158
Oh, that's wonderful news.
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00:03:26,159 --> 00:03:27,518
We looked in our diaries,
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had absolutely nothing on next week,
so thought, "Let's get married."
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00:03:31,039 --> 00:03:33,478
Well, I have a few things on,
but I've cancelled them.
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They were only
patients at the hospital!
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00:03:35,919 --> 00:03:38,958
We've always wanted to do this.
Now's the time.
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00:03:38,959 --> 00:03:40,838
Our ten-year anniversary.
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00:03:40,839 --> 00:03:42,638
Well, congratulations.
To both of you.
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00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:45,398
Here we are. Should be bubbles,
really.
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00:03:45,399 --> 00:03:46,878
So, when's the happy day?
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00:03:46,879 --> 00:03:49,278
We thought we'd do the legal bit
at the highly desirable
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00:03:49,279 --> 00:03:51,598
Islington Town Hall,
on Wednesday next week.
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00:03:51,599 --> 00:03:53,758
But what we REALLY wondered, Adam,
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00:03:53,759 --> 00:03:56,798
was whether you might be able do
a proper church wedding for us.
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00:03:56,799 --> 00:04:00,038
In St Saviour's. Ah! A-ha!
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We know it's not technically legal.
But thought you'd sneak us in.
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00:04:03,399 --> 00:04:04,838
As we are churchgoers.
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00:04:04,839 --> 00:04:07,798
I love the church.
The architecture, the music...
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00:04:07,799 --> 00:04:11,758
And Rob actually believes in God.
I don't believe in registry offices.
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00:04:11,759 --> 00:04:13,718
Lots of priests do gay weddings,
don't they?
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00:04:13,719 --> 00:04:16,638
So long as you don't get caught.
It's like parking on double yellows.
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00:04:16,639 --> 00:04:19,398
Guys, I'm sorry, it's a bit more
serious than that.
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00:04:19,399 --> 00:04:22,278
I mean, I'd love to do it,
of course.
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00:04:22,279 --> 00:04:27,198
And this is disappointing for me,
but I could get in real trouble.
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00:04:27,199 --> 00:04:30,198
God won't bless our union.
GOD will.
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Of course He will!
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But the Church won't!
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00:04:37,679 --> 00:04:40,239
I know, I know.
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00:04:43,399 --> 00:04:47,678
But, look, I'll be doing my
regular service on your wedding day.
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00:04:47,679 --> 00:04:50,398
If you came to my Wednesday
evening Eucharist,
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after the registry office,
I could do prayers for you both.
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00:04:54,559 --> 00:04:58,199
I can affirm your love
for each other in the eyes of God.
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00:05:01,079 --> 00:05:02,958
Can we bring some friends?
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00:05:02,959 --> 00:05:05,318
Of course, yeah, of course,
well, sure.
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00:05:05,319 --> 00:05:08,719
And some flowers?
Why not? Of course.
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00:05:11,199 --> 00:05:15,438
Let's do it! Great. Great. Well,
congratulations again.
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00:05:15,439 --> 00:05:19,678
CHEERS!
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00:05:19,679 --> 00:05:23,358
Did one of you go down on a knee?
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00:05:23,359 --> 00:05:25,319
Not on a knee!
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00:05:27,239 --> 00:05:29,078
I'll get that.
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00:05:29,079 --> 00:05:32,798
Please bring lots of people,
it's always really empty.
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00:05:32,799 --> 00:05:35,358
Mick!
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00:05:35,359 --> 00:05:38,318
Y'all right, Vicar? See what it is,
yeah... I've told you I'm not...
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00:05:38,319 --> 00:05:40,238
I got something you really
want this time.
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00:05:40,239 --> 00:05:41,758
I'm not buying anything from you.
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00:05:41,759 --> 00:05:43,838
You'll want this!
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00:05:43,839 --> 00:05:45,158
Is that Mick again?
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00:05:45,159 --> 00:05:46,879
I'm just getting rid of him.
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I think you left
her in the shop, Vicar.
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Thank God!
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00:06:00,999 --> 00:06:03,838
I'm being a good citizen.
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00:06:03,839 --> 00:06:06,798
Give her here, please.
Mick...
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00:06:06,799 --> 00:06:09,758
Vicar. Mick! Vicar.
Give her here please.
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00:06:09,759 --> 00:06:12,878
Is there a little reward?
Or a big one?
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00:06:12,879 --> 00:06:15,678
No, Mick...
You left her, didn't ya?
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00:06:15,679 --> 00:06:17,758
Shall I tell the nasty Mrs Vicar
what you done?
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00:06:17,759 --> 00:06:19,798
No, no, just give her here!
All right?
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00:06:19,799 --> 00:06:22,558
Yes, he's just going! I just want
a little bit of money, Vicar.
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Give her back. Mick!
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No way, Vicar! Give me money!
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00:06:27,839 --> 00:06:30,079
Mick... Mick, Mick!
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Here, here.
117
00:07:11,239 --> 00:07:13,119
Library card, too?
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What are you up to? Hello!
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00:07:23,719 --> 00:07:27,078
Here she is!
She's just had a bit of fresh air.
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00:07:27,079 --> 00:07:30,239
Hi! Here you go. Come on in.
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Dear boy! Hello, Roland.
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Imagine my delight
when I saw your little name pop up!
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How are you? How's your little life?
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Fine. It's good to see you.
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Congratulations on these courses.
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00:07:53,279 --> 00:07:55,438
Everyone's recommending them.
I know!
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00:07:55,439 --> 00:07:57,758
Who'd have thought,
when we were green, young men
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00:07:57,759 --> 00:07:59,638
at Cuddesdon College,
that I would end up
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00:07:59,639 --> 00:08:01,958
travelling the world,
saving churches?
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00:08:01,959 --> 00:08:05,238
It's been an extraordinary year.
Roma. Rio.
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00:08:05,239 --> 00:08:08,598
Durham. I was sorry to hear
you're struggling so much.
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00:08:08,599 --> 00:08:11,478
Well, it's just the classic C of E
building dilemma in London,
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00:08:11,479 --> 00:08:14,438
too many churches in the parish for
the number of congregants. Mmmm.
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00:08:14,439 --> 00:08:16,718
If I can make the place
financially self-sufficient
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00:08:16,719 --> 00:08:19,719
then they'd have to leave me alone.
So, that's the aim.
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00:08:21,239 --> 00:08:22,878
Oh, let me turn that off.
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00:08:22,879 --> 00:08:26,558
Oh, it's Michael Buerk pestering me
to do The Moral Maze again.
138
00:08:26,559 --> 00:08:29,038
The only dilemma that show
presents is how to tell Michael
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00:08:29,039 --> 00:08:32,718
to fuck off without upsetting him.
Right, shall we start the morning?
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00:08:32,719 --> 00:08:36,118
Aren't there more people to come?
No, just you and me today.
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00:08:36,119 --> 00:08:38,318
You're getting private sessions,
effectively.
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I should be charging double!
OK, I'll start. Sit down.
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Right!
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Good morning, everyone.
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Good morning.
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00:08:49,199 --> 00:08:53,518
We don't need this, do we? Today,
through my unique three-point
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00:08:53,519 --> 00:08:56,038
'Transform Your Church' plan,
I'm going to help you
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make your churches,
not just present and engaged,
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00:08:59,079 --> 00:09:03,078
modern and relevant,
but also full and solvent.
150
00:09:03,079 --> 00:09:06,678
My three-point Transform plan
has a memorable acronym...
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IED.
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00:09:10,119 --> 00:09:12,078
We don't normally do
questions at the start.
153
00:09:12,079 --> 00:09:14,998
Sorry. Doesn't that stand
for Improvised Explosive Device?
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00:09:14,999 --> 00:09:17,678
Yes, it does. Because this course
blows the legs off failure.
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00:09:17,679 --> 00:09:19,998
It will pick up your ministry,
hurl it into the air
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00:09:19,999 --> 00:09:21,998
and scatter it over a wide area.
157
00:09:21,999 --> 00:09:27,238
But IED also stands for this...
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00:09:27,239 --> 00:09:32,278
Let me take you through
the ABC of IED.
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00:09:32,279 --> 00:09:33,638
A - I.
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00:09:33,639 --> 00:09:37,278
I - Invade. Your community.
People's lives.
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00:09:37,279 --> 00:09:39,798
As a priest
you must be in people's lives.
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Push your way into their lives.
Into their homes.
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00:09:42,959 --> 00:09:45,998
If you don't do that, how will
they know how invaluable you are?
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00:09:45,999 --> 00:09:50,078
What you offer? B - E.
E - Evangelise.
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00:09:50,079 --> 00:09:53,718
Now this shouldn't be such a dirty
word to most Anglicans.
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If you like a book
or a boutique hotel,
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00:09:56,119 --> 00:09:58,438
you TELL people about it, don't you?
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00:09:58,439 --> 00:10:01,639
Now, let's get you doing that
with Jesus Christ.
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00:10:01,839 --> 00:10:04,158
D. D. D. C!
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00:10:04,159 --> 00:10:06,158
C. D - deliver.
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00:10:06,159 --> 00:10:09,878
I'm going to give you a list
of ways to DELIVER as a priest.
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00:10:09,879 --> 00:10:12,518
Deliver funerals, deliver weddings,
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00:10:12,519 --> 00:10:15,358
deliver satisfaction
to your parishioners,
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00:10:15,359 --> 00:10:18,638
so they keep coming back... for
more.
175
00:10:18,639 --> 00:10:20,079
Any questions so far?
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00:10:21,119 --> 00:10:22,598
Yep. In the middle.
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00:10:22,599 --> 00:10:24,838
Don't forget to say your name
and where you're from.
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00:10:24,839 --> 00:10:26,678
Adam Smallbone. St Saviour's.
179
00:10:26,679 --> 00:10:28,159
What time's lunch?
180
00:10:34,959 --> 00:10:37,318
I've got the large
Happy Heart sushi tray.
181
00:10:37,319 --> 00:10:39,398
I hope that's OK with you?
Sure.
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00:10:39,399 --> 00:10:40,679
There's your change.
183
00:10:44,359 --> 00:10:45,599
What you reading there?
184
00:10:47,559 --> 00:10:49,958
I imagine you've
stayed in most of these places.
185
00:10:49,959 --> 00:10:51,958
Oh - Malaysia's nice.
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00:10:51,959 --> 00:10:54,798
I want to take Alex away
somewhere... Hm. Dear lady.
187
00:10:54,799 --> 00:10:56,438
Just for a night in the UK
somewhere.
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00:10:56,439 --> 00:10:57,678
We could do with it.
189
00:10:57,679 --> 00:10:59,238
In the UK?
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00:10:59,239 --> 00:11:01,758
You should
go to The Bull at Bibbington.
191
00:11:01,759 --> 00:11:04,158
Angus has just taken it over.
Do you know Angus?
192
00:11:04,159 --> 00:11:05,838
He did The Swan at Uppington
193
00:11:05,839 --> 00:11:07,918
and he was the force
behind The Cock at Mincham?
194
00:11:07,919 --> 00:11:09,798
I'll show you.
195
00:11:09,799 --> 00:11:11,878
Have you got a picture of his cock?
196
00:11:11,879 --> 00:11:15,518
Oh, very good. We must try
and get you on the radio.
197
00:11:15,519 --> 00:11:16,879
I'm trying to help.
198
00:11:18,159 --> 00:11:22,238
Look. Just opened. Half-price rooms.
199
00:11:22,239 --> 00:11:23,878
You can always tell
a good pub hotel by
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00:11:23,879 --> 00:11:26,198
whether the bedrooms have
got logs in them.
201
00:11:26,199 --> 00:11:28,078
There's lots of logs there.
202
00:11:28,079 --> 00:11:29,598
Nice. £120 a night.
203
00:11:29,599 --> 00:11:31,878
Half price - 60 quid -
I can afford that.
204
00:11:31,879 --> 00:11:34,638
No, £120 is the half price
rate, you twit.
205
00:11:34,639 --> 00:11:37,398
Dear me, no wonder your church has
got financial problems!
206
00:11:37,399 --> 00:11:39,198
Oh. OK.
207
00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:41,878
I was interested to see
from your Myers-Briggs test that you
208
00:11:41,879 --> 00:11:44,279
have conflicting personality blocks.
209
00:11:45,279 --> 00:11:47,879
That's cos I filled out the form
as Jesus.
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00:11:49,879 --> 00:11:51,519
Hm.
211
00:11:52,839 --> 00:11:55,558
I've been thinking -
shall we go away somewhere together?
212
00:11:55,559 --> 00:11:57,879
Before you get too busy
with your new job.
213
00:11:58,999 --> 00:12:02,519
Why don't we go
and live here for six months.
214
00:12:04,959 --> 00:12:06,318
I know. But seriously,
215
00:12:06,319 --> 00:12:09,038
we could do with
a night away together somewhere.
216
00:12:09,039 --> 00:12:12,158
You and me. The Cotswolds.
217
00:12:12,159 --> 00:12:14,438
Roland's recommended somewhere
called The Cock.
218
00:12:14,439 --> 00:12:16,998
Has he?
Maybe Valentine's day?
219
00:12:16,999 --> 00:12:20,398
I'm sorry, I can't go away right
now. I'm too busy.
220
00:12:20,399 --> 00:12:24,438
No, you're not too busy to spend one
night away with the man you married
221
00:12:24,439 --> 00:12:26,958
- to remind ourselves why
we love each other.
222
00:12:26,959 --> 00:12:29,798
I remember why I love you.
No reminder needed.
223
00:12:29,799 --> 00:12:32,279
Well, I'd like to be reminded why
I love you.
224
00:12:34,199 --> 00:12:36,878
My treat. You can't afford it. And
we don't have a babysitter.
225
00:12:36,879 --> 00:12:39,078
Well, let's find one.
We keep saying we need one...
226
00:12:39,079 --> 00:12:41,678
Well, we'll need one on Wednesday
if you're going to do your
227
00:12:41,679 --> 00:12:45,358
"It's not a wedding" service for Rob and Jeremy.
Well, who shall we use? Mick?
228
00:12:45,359 --> 00:12:47,638
He's keen. And probably free.
229
00:12:47,639 --> 00:12:50,198
What about Ellie?
230
00:12:50,199 --> 00:12:52,158
Ellie's a teacher.
She hates children.
231
00:12:52,159 --> 00:12:54,318
No, she just pretends to.
What about Adoha?
232
00:12:54,319 --> 00:12:56,318
She wants to do it.
Apart from her.
233
00:12:56,319 --> 00:12:59,238
She'd be good at it. No, she
wouldn't. She will. You know she will.
234
00:12:59,239 --> 00:13:01,558
No, I'm not having her here going
through my drawers,
235
00:13:01,559 --> 00:13:03,478
leaving me notes
and sniffing your pants.
236
00:13:03,479 --> 00:13:08,479
Come on, she'll be disappointed
if we don't ask her sometime.
Go ahead - disappoint her.
237
00:13:09,999 --> 00:13:13,118
Adoha! Thank you
so much for agreeing to do this.
238
00:13:13,119 --> 00:13:15,118
I have been waiting for you to ask!
239
00:13:15,119 --> 00:13:17,838
I know. And we've been waiting for
the right moment to ask you.
240
00:13:17,839 --> 00:13:20,878
Where is the little angel princess?
Upstairs. Darling, Adoha's here.
241
00:13:20,879 --> 00:13:23,158
Yes, I can see that. Hello, Adoha.
242
00:13:23,159 --> 00:13:26,158
When are you two going to
re-arrange her baptism?
243
00:13:26,159 --> 00:13:27,998
What's in that?
244
00:13:27,999 --> 00:13:30,038
Oh - my overnight bag, in case
245
00:13:30,039 --> 00:13:32,358
you and Adam don't get back till
after midnight.
246
00:13:32,359 --> 00:13:35,358
Adam will be back no later
than 8.55pm.
247
00:13:35,359 --> 00:13:39,478
What if Adam is injured in a bicycle
accident? God forbid.
248
00:13:39,479 --> 00:13:43,198
Who would look after Katie then, huh?
While her mother is out having fun?
249
00:13:43,199 --> 00:13:45,758
Good question.
I'll wrap her in a newspaper
250
00:13:45,759 --> 00:13:47,798
and stick her on the doorstep
of an orphanage.
251
00:13:47,799 --> 00:13:49,278
Bye. Oh...
252
00:13:49,279 --> 00:13:50,999
See you after the registry office.
253
00:13:52,639 --> 00:13:55,479
I will make you a cup of tea.
That'd be nice.
254
00:14:01,799 --> 00:14:03,158
Hello.
255
00:14:11,479 --> 00:14:13,118
Hello?
256
00:14:13,119 --> 00:14:16,318
Welcome, welcome. Find a pew.
257
00:14:16,319 --> 00:14:18,718
Who are all these people, Adam?
258
00:14:18,719 --> 00:14:21,118
Ah, the happy couple!
How nice to have you here.
259
00:14:21,119 --> 00:14:24,398
And you've brought so many people!
It's our wedding!
260
00:14:24,399 --> 00:14:27,918
No, just some prayers. Hello,
darling. Good evening, Vicar!
261
00:14:27,919 --> 00:14:30,438
I hope you've arranged something
special for our friends.
262
00:14:30,439 --> 00:14:34,358
Yes. And I had no idea there'd been
so many of you.
263
00:14:34,359 --> 00:14:36,958
No, don't throw confetti. Please.
Save it for the end.
264
00:14:36,959 --> 00:14:39,238
No, don't do it then either.
This is just a Eucharist.
265
00:14:39,239 --> 00:14:42,638
Not a wedding. Come on.
266
00:14:42,639 --> 00:14:46,439
Heads-up, Vicarage. I think
some of this lot might be homos.
267
00:14:54,999 --> 00:14:58,198
What in the name of all that is
holy is going on downstairs?
268
00:14:58,199 --> 00:15:01,158
Why's everyone all dressed up? It's
like the Ascot races down there!
269
00:15:01,159 --> 00:15:04,398
I had no idea there'd be so many.
I've got to do something profound.
270
00:15:04,399 --> 00:15:06,798
About what?
Rob and Jeremy's marriage.
271
00:15:06,799 --> 00:15:08,518
Is this a gay marriage, Adam?
272
00:15:08,519 --> 00:15:10,838
No, I'm not marrying them.
I'm just doing a prayer.
273
00:15:10,839 --> 00:15:13,918
OK. Maybe I can adapt this?
Are you making up liturgy again?
274
00:15:13,919 --> 00:15:17,118
No. Yes. I'll just do a dedication.
275
00:15:17,119 --> 00:15:20,158
You cannot do a dedication service
for homosexuals. It's...
276
00:15:20,159 --> 00:15:22,118
Yes, yes. I'll just adapt this.
277
00:15:22,119 --> 00:15:24,478
Must remember not to say 'marriage'.
Or 'union'.
278
00:15:24,479 --> 00:15:27,038
The church doesn't recognise
same-sex unions.
279
00:15:27,039 --> 00:15:29,518
There's no canon law for it,
and there's no service for it.
280
00:15:29,519 --> 00:15:31,558
Yeah. Did Jesus have a service? No.
But we do.
281
00:15:31,559 --> 00:15:33,878
This is a blatant
flaunting of church law.
282
00:15:33,879 --> 00:15:35,878
I'd have thought you'd be pleased
to see two men
283
00:15:35,879 --> 00:15:38,438
making a public declaration
of their love for one another.
284
00:15:38,439 --> 00:15:41,198
What are you insinuating, Adam?
I am in a hot, straight-blooded
285
00:15:41,199 --> 00:15:43,958
relationship with a beautiful young
filly. Yep, sure you are.
286
00:15:43,959 --> 00:15:46,038
Now, I need to say
something about the couple.
287
00:15:46,039 --> 00:15:48,198
Prayers for the future.
OK, I can make this work.
288
00:15:48,199 --> 00:15:50,438
Well, I won't come
and visit you in prison.
289
00:15:50,439 --> 00:15:53,799
I'm going home, to look at Cherry.
290
00:15:59,199 --> 00:16:01,279
Good evening, everyone.
291
00:16:07,079 --> 00:16:09,159
Oh, don't walk up the aisle!
292
00:16:11,799 --> 00:16:14,079
Hi, Mum!
293
00:16:18,599 --> 00:16:21,118
Oi! D'you want to buy any
Es for the party afterwards?
294
00:16:21,119 --> 00:16:24,198
No, thanks! Ketamine?
295
00:16:24,199 --> 00:16:29,078
# Hallelujah, Hallelujah,
296
00:16:29,079 --> 00:16:35,479
♪ Praise with us the god of grace. ♪
297
00:16:38,039 --> 00:16:40,558
Robert and Jeremy.
298
00:16:40,559 --> 00:16:44,678
Earlier today you committed
yourselves to one other in a union.
299
00:16:44,679 --> 00:16:47,878
Not here, but at the Town Hall.
We're married!
300
00:16:47,879 --> 00:16:50,958
No, you're not.
Yes, we are.
301
00:16:50,959 --> 00:16:53,958
No, you are... Yes, sort of.
But you were. Not here.
302
00:16:53,959 --> 00:16:56,918
Because it's against the law.
No, it's not.
303
00:16:56,919 --> 00:16:58,918
Yes. No, it's against church law.
304
00:16:58,919 --> 00:17:02,638
So, what we're doing here
is celebrating your intention
305
00:17:02,639 --> 00:17:06,598
to be together, for better for
worse, for richer for poorer,
306
00:17:06,599 --> 00:17:10,318
in sickness and in health,
and to love and to cherish,
307
00:17:10,319 --> 00:17:13,038
till death do you part. I do.
308
00:17:13,039 --> 00:17:14,199
No, you don't.
309
00:17:16,799 --> 00:17:20,198
Shall we do the rings again? No.
310
00:17:20,199 --> 00:17:23,318
And we, as their friends,
will do all in our power
311
00:17:23,319 --> 00:17:25,678
to love and support them.
312
00:17:25,679 --> 00:17:27,718
We will!
313
00:17:27,719 --> 00:17:29,319
No, don't say that!
314
00:17:32,559 --> 00:17:35,198
OK, no, stop. STOP!
315
00:17:35,199 --> 00:17:38,318
OK.
316
00:17:38,319 --> 00:17:41,039
Let us pray.
317
00:17:42,479 --> 00:17:44,558
I hope it wasn't too
much of a disappointment?
318
00:17:44,559 --> 00:17:46,318
No, no!
319
00:17:46,319 --> 00:17:49,078
It's our fault for not quite
understanding the extent
320
00:17:49,079 --> 00:17:51,998
to which it couldn't be a wedding.
No, I should have been clearer.
321
00:17:51,999 --> 00:17:53,999
No, no. Our fault.
322
00:17:57,959 --> 00:18:02,318
Would it have been really bad
to have exchanged the rings?
323
00:18:02,319 --> 00:18:05,438
I'm sorry. No, it was great.
Lots of it was great.
324
00:18:05,439 --> 00:18:08,318
All our friends are here. Yep.
325
00:18:08,319 --> 00:18:11,638
C'mon, husband,
let's get off to the party.
326
00:18:11,639 --> 00:18:14,078
Rob, sorry.
327
00:18:14,079 --> 00:18:15,998
Sorry.
328
00:18:15,999 --> 00:18:18,599
Come on.
329
00:18:21,079 --> 00:18:24,038
Hello, Adoha, hi.
330
00:18:24,039 --> 00:18:27,838
I hope I'm not late.
331
00:18:27,839 --> 00:18:29,399
Adoha?
332
00:18:30,959 --> 00:18:32,719
Hello?
333
00:18:35,359 --> 00:18:37,519
Adoha?
334
00:18:42,279 --> 00:18:44,759
Adoha?
335
00:18:49,679 --> 00:18:51,559
Adoha?
336
00:18:55,039 --> 00:18:57,359
Adoha?
337
00:19:04,399 --> 00:19:07,119
Adoha?
338
00:19:10,079 --> 00:19:12,158
Adam, darling, you're home.
339
00:19:12,159 --> 00:19:16,038
Yes. How's she been?
340
00:19:16,039 --> 00:19:19,038
She is such a beautiful baby.
341
00:19:19,039 --> 00:19:21,318
Yes. Our child.
342
00:19:21,319 --> 00:19:26,118
Yes, she's not yours. Get up.
343
00:19:26,119 --> 00:19:29,358
Shit, that's Alex! Get up, quickly!
Put your clothes on!
344
00:19:29,359 --> 00:19:31,959
Hi. I'm home. Who's in?
345
00:19:33,799 --> 00:19:37,038
A fair fight!
346
00:19:37,039 --> 00:19:40,999
Why do gay men know how
to throw the best parties?
347
00:19:42,399 --> 00:19:45,278
Oh, hello, Adoha!
Hello, Alex.
348
00:19:45,279 --> 00:19:47,959
What have you two been doing?
Having sex?
349
00:19:50,319 --> 00:19:52,278
Katie is sleeping quite soundly.
350
00:19:52,279 --> 00:19:54,598
Yes, everything's been fine,
hasn't it, Adoha?
351
00:19:54,599 --> 00:19:57,038
She does have quite bad nappy rash,
though, Alex.
352
00:19:57,039 --> 00:19:59,639
Oh, shut up!
Who's going to have a drink with me?
353
00:19:59,759 --> 00:20:02,398
Come on, Adoha.
We should learn to like each other.
354
00:20:02,399 --> 00:20:05,638
And I want to say sorry for all the
nasty things I've said about you.
355
00:20:05,639 --> 00:20:07,758
Have we got any of that prune
schnapps left?
356
00:20:07,759 --> 00:20:10,278
Colin drank it. What nasty things?
357
00:20:10,279 --> 00:20:12,798
She's joking.
Thank you so much for coming, Adoha.
358
00:20:12,799 --> 00:20:14,599
You were brilliant.
359
00:20:19,079 --> 00:20:23,198
Will you have a glass
of Proud Stag Indian whisky with me?
360
00:20:23,199 --> 00:20:25,078
Did you have to say that to Adoha?
361
00:20:25,079 --> 00:20:28,919
Sorry. Look, we've got all these
drinks here we never drink!
362
00:20:32,679 --> 00:20:34,958
Urgh!
363
00:20:34,959 --> 00:20:37,958
What's this one?
This looks very... brown.
364
00:20:37,959 --> 00:20:41,878
Eau de vie?
Water of Death. No, thanks.
365
00:20:41,879 --> 00:20:43,678
No. Bad drink.
366
00:20:43,679 --> 00:20:46,238
Hello, my European friend!
367
00:20:46,239 --> 00:20:52,158
Hungarian
apricot palinka from Kecskemt.
368
00:20:52,159 --> 00:20:53,918
When did we go there?
369
00:20:53,919 --> 00:20:56,478
Your dad did. Oh.
370
00:20:56,479 --> 00:20:58,758
Adoha's all right.
She can babysit again
371
00:20:58,759 --> 00:21:00,838
if you want to take me away
somewhere wonderful.
372
00:21:00,839 --> 00:21:02,958
No, we're not using her again.
Suits me.
373
00:21:02,959 --> 00:21:06,798
I don't want to go to
Roland's cock place, anyway.
374
00:21:06,799 --> 00:21:09,398
Ooh, Australian mango rum?
375
00:21:09,399 --> 00:21:11,279
Aussie fun in a bottle.
376
00:21:18,959 --> 00:21:21,358
I hear you're doing
gay weddings now.
377
00:21:21,359 --> 00:21:23,318
What? No! Who said that?
378
00:21:23,319 --> 00:21:25,518
I did a Wednesday evening
Eucharist, that's all.
379
00:21:25,519 --> 00:21:28,038
Archdeacon, you big church knob!
How's tricks?
380
00:21:28,039 --> 00:21:30,758
Good evening, Alexandria.
Tricks is good.
381
00:21:30,759 --> 00:21:32,918
Do you want a slurp of my Zotig?
382
00:21:32,919 --> 00:21:35,038
I found it in the fridge.
It's beer and orange.
383
00:21:35,039 --> 00:21:36,718
Not tonight, Alexandria.
384
00:21:36,719 --> 00:21:38,638
Parenthood is treating you
well, I see.
385
00:21:38,639 --> 00:21:41,518
I'm drunk because we've just been to
a big gay wedding at the church.
386
00:21:41,519 --> 00:21:44,478
Ah. She doesn't mean that.
387
00:21:44,479 --> 00:21:47,838
I think you and I need to have
a little chat tomorrow,
388
00:21:47,839 --> 00:21:49,638
don't you, Adam?
389
00:21:49,639 --> 00:21:52,199
Goodnight.
390
00:21:56,519 --> 00:21:57,639
Taxi!
391
00:22:00,159 --> 00:22:03,278
'Dear Lord. I should never have
tried to please Rob and Jeremy
392
00:22:03,279 --> 00:22:06,558
'and follow church law,
it was never going to work.
393
00:22:06,559 --> 00:22:07,918
'Stupid of me.
394
00:22:07,919 --> 00:22:11,118
'As usual, I bend over backwards
to try and please everyone
395
00:22:11,119 --> 00:22:15,718
'and end up pleasing no-one.
Lord, did you want me to marry them?
396
00:22:15,719 --> 00:22:17,958
'If I had,
I'd be in a lot of trouble.
397
00:22:17,959 --> 00:22:21,278
'Mind you,
I seem to be in trouble anyway.
398
00:22:21,279 --> 00:22:26,518
'Maybe that's what you want.
Me in a lot of trouble.
399
00:22:26,519 --> 00:22:28,958
'Jesus liked trouble.'
400
00:22:28,959 --> 00:22:34,518
Apparently, someone said 'I do', and
men were seen kissing in the nave.
401
00:22:34,519 --> 00:22:36,758
It wasn't a gay wedding.
We'll see.
402
00:22:36,759 --> 00:22:39,038
The Deanery has asked me
to ascertain the facts.
403
00:22:39,039 --> 00:22:41,598
Of course they did.
This is perfect for them, isn't it?
404
00:22:41,599 --> 00:22:43,758
Oh yes, they've got it in for you.
Well observed.
405
00:22:43,759 --> 00:22:46,358
If you are found to have conducted
a gay wedding, Adam
406
00:22:46,359 --> 00:22:48,878
you will be first suspended,
then defrocked, then KILLED,
407
00:22:48,879 --> 00:22:50,998
by one of the Bishop's teams
of assassins,
408
00:22:50,999 --> 00:22:53,558
who patrol town in unmarked cars.
409
00:22:53,559 --> 00:22:55,758
Well, you can tell Ben & Jerry
410
00:22:55,759 --> 00:22:58,078
that I did a normal
mid-week Eucharist,
411
00:22:58,079 --> 00:23:00,958
in which I offered some prayers
for the union
412
00:23:00,959 --> 00:23:04,318
of two gay friends of mine.
That's all. And that's legit.
413
00:23:04,319 --> 00:23:06,758
Show me the Order of Service
for Wednesday, please.
414
00:23:06,759 --> 00:23:10,278
I don't have one.
It was a normal mid-week Eucharist.
415
00:23:10,279 --> 00:23:12,518
I used one of these.
416
00:23:12,519 --> 00:23:16,838
Did you use the word
'marriage' at any point?
417
00:23:16,839 --> 00:23:19,478
I have two witnesses who say
they heard the word marriage.
418
00:23:19,479 --> 00:23:21,478
I did say marriage.
419
00:23:21,479 --> 00:23:25,558
During the prayers, I said, "This
service is not a marriage."
420
00:23:25,559 --> 00:23:28,479
Show me the prayers, please.
421
00:23:39,079 --> 00:23:41,638
This is what you used?
422
00:23:41,639 --> 00:23:46,198
Yes. But look there, it says
'don't say marriage'.
423
00:23:46,199 --> 00:23:50,398
You quite literally put your service
together on the back of an envelope?
424
00:23:50,399 --> 00:23:53,198
Oh! What does it say here?
425
00:23:53,199 --> 00:23:54,838
Love?
426
00:23:54,839 --> 00:23:57,318
No, Hove. They met in Hove.
427
00:23:57,319 --> 00:24:00,079
That's where they met.
Near Brighton.
428
00:24:02,319 --> 00:24:05,078
I'm going to keep this if I may?
429
00:24:05,079 --> 00:24:07,598
During your Eucharist,
were rings exchanged?
430
00:24:07,599 --> 00:24:09,278
Um. No.
431
00:24:09,279 --> 00:24:11,358
Did they make vows to each other?
No.
432
00:24:11,359 --> 00:24:13,718
Did the couple join hands?
433
00:24:13,719 --> 00:24:15,078
No.
434
00:24:15,079 --> 00:24:17,359
That is incorrect.
435
00:24:19,559 --> 00:24:22,518
Let me show you Exhibit A.
436
00:24:22,519 --> 00:24:27,799
So, this is one of your standard
mid-week Eucharists, is it, Adam?
437
00:24:29,919 --> 00:24:31,518
It was not a gay wedding.
438
00:24:31,519 --> 00:24:33,878
Do you know how I know?
Because I took the service!
439
00:24:33,879 --> 00:24:37,158
Please, Robert, I didn't break
the law, I promise you.
440
00:24:37,159 --> 00:24:41,038
They wanted a wedding.
I refused. I let them down.
441
00:24:41,039 --> 00:24:43,478
You don't even believe
in this law yourself!
442
00:24:43,479 --> 00:24:45,918
Don't try and tell me
what I believe, Adam!
443
00:24:45,919 --> 00:24:48,999
I believe in church unity.
444
00:24:55,519 --> 00:24:57,638
Now this is what we're going to do.
445
00:24:57,639 --> 00:24:59,798
I'm going to report to the Area Dean
446
00:24:59,799 --> 00:25:01,918
that I'm satisfied that Canon
law was followed.
447
00:25:01,919 --> 00:25:06,199
And you are going to destroy this.
Completely.
448
00:25:07,559 --> 00:25:11,318
Someone's coming. Quick.
It might be The Area Dean.
449
00:25:11,319 --> 00:25:15,998
Eat it. What? Oh, come on.
Eat it. In the name of Church unity.
450
00:25:15,999 --> 00:25:19,078
Eat it. Eat it all!
'Hell-oo.'
451
00:25:19,079 --> 00:25:21,598
I can hear a woman's voice.
452
00:25:21,599 --> 00:25:23,798
Oh, no, it's Nigel.
Hello, Archdeacon.
453
00:25:23,799 --> 00:25:25,958
I'm so glad you're here.
We do need to discuss
454
00:25:25,959 --> 00:25:28,318
how to prevent
the pigeons making such a mess.
455
00:25:28,319 --> 00:25:30,759
I wish I had married them now.
456
00:25:36,359 --> 00:25:39,278
The belief is that marriage
is a Sacrament from God
457
00:25:39,279 --> 00:25:41,278
that can't be played around with.
458
00:25:41,279 --> 00:25:44,198
A Eucharist is only a Eucharist
with bread and wine.
459
00:25:44,199 --> 00:25:47,238
A marriage is only a marriage
with a man and a woman.
460
00:25:47,239 --> 00:25:48,838
If you can marry a man and man,
461
00:25:48,839 --> 00:25:52,558
then we might as well celebrate the
Eucharist with beer and crisps.
462
00:25:52,559 --> 00:25:55,158
Sounds good to me.
463
00:25:55,159 --> 00:25:58,038
I don't understand why God hates
poofs so much.
464
00:25:58,039 --> 00:26:00,558
He doesn't, Colin. God loves poofs.
465
00:26:00,559 --> 00:26:02,559
He loves us all. No.
466
00:26:05,639 --> 00:26:07,598
I had great fun after the wedding.
467
00:26:07,599 --> 00:26:09,798
How many times?
It wasn't a wedding.
468
00:26:09,799 --> 00:26:12,198
I went with these two blokes
to that sauna by the garage,
469
00:26:12,199 --> 00:26:15,318
and we all took MDMA.
470
00:26:15,319 --> 00:26:18,398
Once they all started wanking
each other off, I left.
471
00:26:18,399 --> 00:26:21,478
But it was fun up till then.
Well, that's a lovely story, Colin.
472
00:26:21,479 --> 00:26:23,878
Can we talk about something
else now?
473
00:26:23,879 --> 00:26:25,878
I don't mind them kissing.
474
00:26:25,879 --> 00:26:29,038
It's all that bum sex that's wrong.
475
00:26:29,039 --> 00:26:32,718
You should only do that
with a woman.
476
00:26:32,719 --> 00:26:35,158
Did you tell the Archdeacon
I did a gay wedding?
477
00:26:35,159 --> 00:26:37,998
No.
478
00:26:37,999 --> 00:26:41,519
Do you want me to?
No, because I haven't done one.
479
00:26:43,479 --> 00:26:44,639
Yet.
480
00:26:47,519 --> 00:26:51,638
Jeremy Walter Turner, will you take
Robert John Crosbie
481
00:26:51,639 --> 00:26:53,318
to be your husband?
482
00:26:53,319 --> 00:26:57,198
Will you love him, comfort him,
honour and protect him
483
00:26:57,199 --> 00:26:59,158
and, forsaking all others,
484
00:26:59,159 --> 00:27:02,438
be faithful to him,
as long as you both shall live?
485
00:27:02,439 --> 00:27:03,478
I will.
486
00:27:03,479 --> 00:27:06,678
Robert John Crosbie, will you take
Jeremy Walter Turner
487
00:27:06,679 --> 00:27:08,758
to be your husband?
488
00:27:08,759 --> 00:27:12,878
Will you love him, comfort him,
honour and protect him,
489
00:27:12,879 --> 00:27:14,558
and, forsaking all others,
490
00:27:14,559 --> 00:27:18,678
be faithful to him, as long as you
both shall live?
491
00:27:18,679 --> 00:27:22,039
I will.
492
00:27:22,135 --> 00:27:52,240
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