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- And don't pack too tight.

The side pockets of the suitcase

are very good for small objects:

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

Earrings, chewing gum, shoe polish,

needle and thread, charm bracelets, things like that.

The top pocket is very good for hair rollers.

Since they are plastic, they do not pull the lid down.

Also, so your shampoo and cosmetics don't spill,

put all your gooey things in a plastic bag.

I call it my Icky Bag.

Today's wonderful miracle permanent-press fabrics

are a big help for the young girl on the move.

But for that very special wool jacket,

there's still good old tissue paper

to help keep out nasty creases.

You won't need tissue for all garments,

but you will need common sense

to keep the case from looking sloppy.

And one final tip, girls.

Pack your naughtiest nightie right on top,

in case you need it in a hurry.

- Packing a suitcase?

What the hell kind of talent is that?

I can pack a suitcase.

- It's the only thing she could do

without falling off the stage.

- She is cute. I kind of liked the nightie joke.

- That's just the kind of stuff they hate at the finals.

They're not looking for sex.

- Everybody's looking for sex.

- Thank you.

(audience applauding)

- And now the winner to represent

the Imperial County in the State Finals,

the winner from El Centro: Connie Thompson.

(audience applauding) (audience cheering)

- Thank you.

♪ An all-American girl you see

♪ She's all an American girl should be

♪ She wears a crown with love and respect

♪ She's a young American girl

- Smile. ♪ Smile

♪ Though your heart is aching

♪ Smile, even though it's breaking

♪ When there are clouds in the sky

♪ You'll get by

♪ If you smile through your fear and sorrow

♪ Smile and maybe tomorrow

♪ You'll see the sun come shining through for you

♪ Smile though your heart is aching

♪ Smile even though it's breaking

♪ When there are clouds in the sky

♪ You get by if you smile

♪ Through your fear and sorrow

♪ Smile and maybe tomorrow

♪ You'll see the sun come shining through

♪ For you

♪ Light up your face with gladness

♪ Hide every trace of sadness

♪ Although a tear may be ever so near

♪ That's the time you must keep on trying

♪ Smile, what's the use of crying

♪ You'll find that life is still worthwhile

♪ If you just smile

(bright music)

♪ That's the time you must keep on trying

♪ Smile, what's the use of crying

♪ You'll find that life is still worthwhile

♪ If you just smile

- Girls! Now, there are only two things to remember.

Just be yourselves, and keep smiling!

- Hello, girls.

My name is Mr. Wilson Shears and I am the president

of this year's Young American Miss Pageant.

I know you all must be kind of pooped,

but I do have a couple of announcements.

First, as regards your luggage.

Your luggage will be arriving in the lobby.

Some of your luggage will be arriving.

Seems there's been a mix-up at the airport.

- Girls, keep smiling.

We'll have all of your luggage

delivered to your host parent's home.

- Yes, we will.

Now, I have one further announcement

from the Veterans War Memorial Auditorium

Maintenance Director and his staff.

- That's me and you, Logan.

- "It is requested that the girls do not dispose

of their sanitary napkins in the commodes.

"Since there are so many girls in the hall

"and since a sanitary napkin is thick and difficult."

Well, just don't do it.

Now, I'd like to turn things over

to someone I'm sure you all know, Miss Brenda DiCarlo,

who is the supervisor of this year's pageant

and a former Young American Miss, Brenda.

- His breathing rate is approximately-

- Now, if you'll just follow me and the Mother Hens.

- Do you think the announcement

about the toilets will help, Mr. Nakas?

- I'm so sorry I forgot to tell you

about Mr. French's phone call.

- That's all right, dear.

- This is all so new to me.

- Just being out of the house is new to me.

- Here.

Brenda, you're so organized and everything.

How do you do it?

- I don't know.

I get tired but I just keep going.

Somebody has to do the job.

Girls, you're now in No Man's Land.

It's called that for obvious reasons. Everyone come in.

You're gonna be spending a lot of time in here

so get familiar with it and find your coop.

Now, your coop is run by your Mother Hen.

You'll see three girls.

Janet, would you turn the board around?

On the board you're going to see three color groups.

Simi Valley. I'm Maria Gonzales.

I forget your name, but I see your name in the paper-

Karen.

Well, we're roommates.

So I come up and say hello to you.

- Nice to meet you.

- I have to go sing. I see you later.

And I want to see all the other girls

finding their Mother Hens.

Okay, blues. Whoever's a blue.

All right. You're blue? Yes, right.

Of course, I remember you.

All right, every blue here.

We're gonna learn the opening song,

which is here on the board.

And nobody's being judged here, okay?

♪ Ready to start out, singing our hearts out

Robin Gibson, right?

Hi, I'm Doria. We're roommates.

♪ Built by youth you'll see today

- I'm supposed to learn this song with them.

- Sure, I'll see you later, okay?

Good, that's not bad at all.

Let's start just from there again.

Let's take it from the top.

If you love the open road as much as I do,

Tone, my guy right here, that's the one.

If you're worried about credit pal, forget it.

We don't worry about it, why should you?

Hey, Brenda! How are you?

Be with you in two shakes of a lamb's tail.

Go in and park your carcass.

Tony, this beauty here holds 50 gallons of gasoline.

Now what does Uncle Sam say to us?

He says, "Don't store gasoline."

We all agree with that, don't we?

But with all these crazy Arabs around,

who knows what they're gonna do next?

You have to admit it's a safe feeling knowing

you're sleeping on top of 50 gallons of gas.

Well, we'll have to think that over.

Thinking, that's what this game is all about.

You must think it over, Tony.

I'm gonna give you one of my cards.

That's my home phone number on there.

Call me 365 days a year.

All of Big Bob Freelander's customers are also his friends.

How about that? A balloon for Mom.

You think it over,

and I'd say you got an early October here, right?

Okay, the three of you think it over.

Leonard, line 2.

- Sorry to keep you waiting, Brenda.

- That's fine.

- Are those the applications?

- Yes, indeed. 33 this year.

Really? Six more than last year? Wow!

And we got San Diego.

- You are doing a bang-up job, Brenda.

- Thank you.

- Any real lookers this year?

- Oh, you men.

What do you mean us men?

You women are checking each other out

a lot more than any man I ever saw.

You're always the first ones

to sneak a look at the centerfold of Playboy.

- That's not true.

- Are those the name tags?

- Do you like it?

- Do I like it.

Boy, gold this year, huh?

No, just yours is.

The rest are only silver.

Brenda, thank you. That's really nice.

Well, I've got a Jaycette meeting.

So, goodbye.

See you tomorrow when all the action starts.

And don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Don't worry.

Say, Brenda, where's your hubby been hiding out?

Andy? Hiding?

Well, I missed him the last couple of Jaycee luncheons.

He had a touch of the flu.

You'd better start taking better care of him than that.

He was my friend first, you know.

Right.

You stole him from me.

Hello, muffin. How's my sweetheart?

No, darling, you can't go out.

I'm sorry, I'm late.

- I see you got dinner.

- Yep. Now dinner's getting me.

Another evening of sarcasm and self-pity.

- Brenda, I'm sorry.

- I'm tired.

Yeah, we're all tired.

You guys do it to me every time.

Somebody's been fooling with my thermostat again.

Little Bob?

MOM.!

(bird chirping)

Hey, Roberta, have you seen my applications?

No, honey. Do you have to work on those tonight?

It's pageantry time. No rest for the weary.

I'll tell you what we are gonna do, though,

after this week of pageantry.

You and I are gonna sneak off

and have us a romantic little weekend.

- How about Little Bob?

- No, not this time. Little Bob's out.

Where are we going?

I thought we'd go to Disneyland.

- Yeah, I got my dad's application book.

- Who's the sexiest?

I can't tell.

The pictures are just faces, no bodies.

There's one from Simi Valley who looks pretty good.

But she's sticking out where the picture ends.

So she's either got great tits or she's fat.

Does she look like she's been laid?

How should I know, Chuck?

They don't write down whether or not they're virgins.

Don't mess this up.

There's a lot of money in it for both of us.

Quit worrying, Chuck. I'll take care of my end.

Now, are you sure Freddy's got the Polaroid?

- Little Bob!

- Talk to you later, Chuck.

Little Bob, have you seen the applications?

There they are.

Sorry, Dad, were you looking for these?

I was just reading some of them.

You were?

You know something, Dad?

I know I sort of put down the pageant

the last couple of years.

But after reading these applications,

I can see why you want to help these girls.

They seem very worthwhile.

Right on, son.

These are the finest bunch

of high school girls in the state.

You want to know something else?

One of the most exciting things about growing up:

One day, you find yourself being interested

in all sorts of new things.

You are tops.

- Can I have these now?

- Yeah.

No rest for the weary this week.

"Dad?

- Yeah.

Are there many fat girls in the contest?

No. Not usually.

♪ We can see a bright tomorrow

♪ Built by youth you see today

♪ We have faith, we have hope

♪ We can see a brighter day

What are you doing?

I was just looking at this man's shaving stuff.

Believe it or not, I've never been

in a bathroom a man uses before.

Well, I haven't, either. Hardly.

I didn't mean that.

I just meant that I never had a brother

or father or anything.

- I grew up with just my mom.

- Where's your father?

He died when I was two.

Wow, I'm sorry, Rob.

Don't worry about it.

I really think it makes other people

feel worse than it does me.

I don't even remember him. I was only two.

You know what? It could help you in this contest.

Getting to be a top high-school senior

without a father to help you.

Jesus, was that an awful thing to say?

No, I don't think so.

I mean, do you really think

that things like having no father,

and stuff like that helps up here?

Yeah, everything counts up here.

Your grades, your personality, the judges' conference.

Jesus, I like it better

when they just judge your tits and ass.

- Have you been in one of those?

- Yeah.

- I won Miss Teenage Complexion.

- I don't think I've heard of that one.

It was sponsored by this horny old dermatologist

in Orange County.

He rented a room at the Disneyland Hotel

got 16 girls in bathing suits

and he had his own beauty contest.

You're kidding me!

Well, didn't you get mad?

No. I won $200 and had a wart removed.

I think the biggest help in my life has been my mom.

Well, both my parents, really.

Perhaps the judges' conference

is the single most important test

of what a Young American Miss is really made of.

What I mean is the valuable

and the fulfillment is just helping others.

Sandra Kay, tell me what you think about Women's Lib.

Well, I think it's kind of silly.

What I mean is, it's not so important.

Where is he? We're supposed to start rehearsals.

This is my first year as President.

The Jaycees are counting on me.

- What if he doesn't show up?

- Don't worry, he'll be here.

I don't know why we had to go and hire this guy.

I don't know why we couldn't have hired

the guy we had last year.

That homosexual from San Francisco.

Now listen, I worked long and hard

to get Tommy French for this show.

It was a great coup.

He's never staged a local pageant before.

- Doesn't look like he's gonna stage this one.

- Don't worry.

Sandra Kay Mathic: Miss Louisiana!

These scholarships are made possible

by the optimistic support

of the pageant's national sponsors: Clairol and Denny's.

The big show in Baton Rouge is telecast

nationally, and for the past four years

has been conceived and directed by Mr. Tommy French.

Although Mr. French is famous

for his smooth professional choreography

he impresses on each girl that their youthful enthusiasm

is the main ingredient of the big show.

We should never have hired a guy that expensive.

Expensive people are always late.

- Where the hell is he?

- Relax, I'm here.

Mr. French is the Hollywood professional and choreographer

of many of your favorite television programs.

We know each of the girls has profited-

I look older in person, don't I?

Have any of you had any dance experience?

- Does square dancing count?

- Not with me, dear.

Now, ladies, first pick up the pompom.

One, two.

Ready?

One, two.

Sensational.

Tambourines.

One, two.

And one, two.

A real showstopper.

Bamboo poles.

I don't have a bamboo pole.

One, two, three, four.

Ready?

And one, two, three.

Very nice. Work on it.

Well, first I do Spring is Here, and then I do Summer Sun,

then I do the first half of Autumn Leaves,

and I finish with Winter Wonderland.

I call it A Song for All Seasons.

Cute. Now have you got an arrangement for all this?

No, I just thought you'd sort of follow along.

Hear that, boys? We just sort of follow along.

Okay, ready, four and.

♪ Spring is here

♪ Why doesn't my heart go dancing

What's the matter?

I'm sorry.

Well, I usually do this to my own tape

and live music sounds a lot different from a tape.

That's right, dear. We count on that to make a living.

That one from Fountain Valley looks pretty good.

I got a fountain she can water her valley with.

- Let me see.

- You shouldn't be allowed to use these

the way you screwed things up!

- I didn't.

It's not my fault my mom took

the Polaroid to her Art Photography class!

You should've known.

This could be our last shot at these girls, dickhead!

Dickhead?

Okay, no big damage done!

We can pull it off tomorrow.

You better not mess up tomorrow, Freddy.

We already got $22 in orders.

That much, Little Bob?

You know that new kid, the fat one, never suits up for gym?

He bought $8 worth himself.

Wow! Look at that one from Bakersfield.

I got something she could bake in her field.

I hate him.

Ah right, that'|| be another $1

for slandering a fellow officer.

You see, old Phil's just mad because his auto repair shop

isn't doing as well as my mortuary.

We sell more caskets than he does gaskets.

Anyway, I'd like to introduce our very special guest

from the Young American Miss Pageant,

first of all, Mrs. Brenda DiCarlo,

who is the pageant supervisor.

(audience applauding)

Thank you.

Brenda, of course, is the wife

of our fellow Bear, Andy DiCarlo.

Stand up, Andy.

I think old Andy's gonna get fined twice.

Once for not showing up,

and once for having such a beautiful wife.

Where is he?

Let's give Brenda and all the other pretty young girls

a growling Bears' welcome!

Are you having a good time up here?

- Pretty good.

- Very good.

Good.

I'm glad you appreciate it so much.

I do. It's such an incredible experience for me.

I mean, I've never done anything like this in my life.

Santa Rosa is so beautiful.

I mean, I thought the shopping mall in Anaheim

was great until I saw yours.

It's a credit to the vision of your business community.

(audience applauding)

Thank you.

Next.

- Hi, I'm Robin Gibson.

- Speak up, dear.

Hi, I'm Robin Gibson. Antelope Valley's Young American Miss.

Thank you for inviting me to lunch.

Next.

I'm Maria Gonzales. Salinas' Young American Miss.

And since you gentlemen have been nice enough to feed us,

I would like to feed you with this homemade guacamole dip.

It's a typical dish of my native land, Mexico.

You like to try?

How about that?

(audience applauding)

I suppose Santa Rosa

means so much to me as a Mexican-American

because Santa Rosa is Spanish for "Saint Rose."

I knew when you stopped showing up

at the Bears and the Optimist

that you must really be down in the dumps.

Yeah, I guess.

Look, I want to go some place where you can get a drink.

- How about a Major Weenie?

- Oh, no!

A foot of fun.

- Woof, woof, Your order, please.

- Hiya, PUP-

Wanna fetch us two El Majors

a couple orders of fries, and two vanilla shakes.

No, make it make it one vanilla shake and one black coffee.

- Will that be all?

- I think so, Major.

Are you sure you don't want a vanilla shake, Andy?

You'll be sorry.

You know, sometimes I think it's this town

that's getting to me.

I mean, I've lived here all my life, right?

Maybe I should go some place completely new, a big city.

Andy, the grass is always greener

on the other side of the hill.

Andy, you're crazy to think about moving to a big city.

I had my own mortuary in LA for eight years,

hell, the pace damn near killed me!

You get caught on the Hollywood freeway at 4:00 pm

with a loaded hearse, and you're in trouble.

- The big one's for you.

- I always knew you were a big weenie.

What the holy hell you doin here?

Haven't you just had lunch with the girls?

I'm getting lunch for my embalmers.

They don't like to go out.

Takes them too long to wash their hands.

Andy, you stop all this talk about leaving town,

do you hear me?

Come on, can we get out of here?

Andy!

Who's gonna pay for all this stuff?

That's another thing I hate about this town.

Everybody's always sticking his nose

in everybody else's business.

- I want a drink.

-All righty, we'll go to my office.

I guess it wouldn't hurt to have one toddy for the body.

Actually, I feel just the opposite.

Attaboy.

I like to know my neighbors.

Especially in a small town like this.

Don't you, really?

I'm beginning to think that's a crock of shit, too.

Come on, Andy. You're just having a bad day.

I mean, look at all the razzing

we have at all those meetings.

The teasing, all of the fining, all that stuff.

- But that's all really just fun, isn't it?

- Doesn't seem like fun to me anymore.

I never know what to say to you

when you say something like that to me.

I know something that will be fun.

This Friday night, huh?

The cry of the Rooster.

Come on, you actually gonna sit there and tell me

this coming Friday night at the Exhausted Rooster Ceremony,

that you're not gonna have a good time?

Bullshit! That's the stuff I'm talking about!

That a guy turns 35, and the Jaycees make a big deal

about tossing him out because he's too old?

Listen to yourself. What did you just say?

"A guy turns 35."

That's really what's bugging you, isn't it?

That you're about to turn 35?

Maybe.

Or maybe I don't see what's fun

about kissing a dead chicken's ass.

That's 'cause you haven't tried it.

"Certainly, external beauty is important

"but the National Committee would like to remind all judges

"of that which Bacon had in mind, when he said:

"That is the best part of beauty,

"which a picture cannot express.

"We're looking for an inner beauty.

"A depth of personality, a plain zest for living.

"In short, select a girl that you would be proud

"to have as your own daughter."

Any questions?

- How long do we have with each girl?

- 10 minutes.

Marie, could you tell us why you think

you'd like to go into missionary work?

In your own words.

It's like if I can share my culture with someone else

that way I can learn about theirs

and enrich my own life as well as,

hopefully, enriching theirs.

Plus, the idea of helping one another.

Do you get an enjoyment out of helping others?

Yes, I have.

We have a handicapped Olympics every year

and we help them get to their races

and their events on time.

And, their winning is just...

It's the most fantastic thing to experience.

Not only themselves, but yourself,

for just helping a little.

Well, I'd like to be a nurse.

I think that would be one of the best ways

that I could do things for other people.

You see, I want to be a veterinarian, or a nun

because I like helping others.

Yeah, I think it would be a lot of fun.

I like helping people.

Robin, I noticed that in your senior year

you went to work part-time at J.C. Penney's.

And yet you still managed to keep your 4.0 grade average.

Did you find that difficult,

to work and still get good grades?

Of course.

I'll bet you found that the experience of working

was an education in itself.

Yes, it was. I met a lot of different kinds of people.

- And did you-

- What would...

Go right ahead, Father. It's all yours.

What would you do if your best friend

was unwed and pregnant?

Excuse me?

Would you advise her to have the baby or seek an abortion?

I thought a lot about that last year

when California was thinking about voting

on whether to legalize abortion or not.

I read a lot about that, and my mom and I talked about it.

And?

What did you decide?

I decided I was glad I wasn't old enough to vote.

That's a terrific answer, Father.

I see here that you've been a flautist for nine years.

Boy, you must have been so small when you started out that

that was practically the only instrument you could hold.

I love the flute. I'm gonna play it in the pageant.

By the looks of all these wonderful music awards

that you've won we're certainly in

for quite a treat, aren't we?

Why do you like to play the flute, dear?

In your own words.

Lots of reasons, I guess.

Well, it sounds so pretty.

And when I play it right, it fills me up inside.

I do guess I like being in the spotlight,

it's glamorous and exciting.

And you must be pleased as punch,

making all those other people happy.

Pardon me?

The other people who are listening to you playing the flute.

Nothing lightens a person's spirit

or brightens their load like a little music.

- Isn't that right, Robin?

- Oh, yes.

I think my music is one of the best ways I can help others.

Jerry, you told me Fort Worth was all set,

and now they want to lower the price.

I realize it's a summer show,

but why should they pay so much less?

Shit.

It's harder to stage dances in the summer.

It's more sweat.

Tell them there's absolutely no way

I'll take the job at that price.

And if that doesn't work, then fall on your knees and beg.

I'll be back Sunday, unless I decide

to stay here for the polling seminar.

Oh, Well.

Mr. French, we have a show to do in two days.

You're 40 minutes late.

- Forgive me, Mr. Sheep.

- That's Shears.

I realize that you and I

have gotten off to a rather shaky start

but things don't have to stay that way.

What do you say?

Let's keep it shaky.

Okay, girls.

Oh, hell. It's 6 feet too tall. I told you.

Oh, no.

Take it from the faith and hope stuff, right?

♪ Ready to start out, singing our hearts out

♪ We'll see a bright tomorrow

♪ Built by youth you see today

♪ We have faith, we have hope

♪ We can see a brighter day

♪ We're here singing

And we're here to dance

Move!

And everyone's here with an equal chance

♪ To be crowned a Young American

♪ Young American Miss

(upbeat music)

And one, kick, three and four!

Hold it!

- Another luncheon.

- Are these the guys that roar?

No, these are the ones with tassels on their hats.

Folks, please, now this is No Man's Land,

and I'm telling you, you can't get-

(upbeat music)

Where is he?

We should have never let

the little asshole Freddy in on this.

He better show! We now have $36 worth of orders.

Jesus!

I got it all worked out. $1.50 for back shot with butt.

$2.50 for frontal shots.

And $5 if I can get a shot

with two naked girls touching each other.

Where's Freddy?

- What took you so long?

- I got here, didn't I?

Complete with camera and my own personal zoom lens.

You're weird, Freddy.

- Where's the film?

- Isn't it in there?

- No.

- But in the ads, the film is always in there.

You asshole! I'm gonna kick your butt!

Come on!

- You're dead!

- We got no time to argue.

You tore my shirt, you faggot!

So we missed the girls putting on their clothes.

We'll get some film and catch them

when they come back from lunch taking off their clothes.

Yeah. Taking off their clothes.

Let's go. Boy, I can't wait to see these pictures.

You want to see something

that will develop even faster than the film?

Pick up my bike.

Eat it!

- Hello, boys.

- Hello, Mr. Greener.

Have you got film for this camera?

We've been to two other stores, and they're both out.

You're in luck.

Guaranteed shipment coming in first thing in the morning.

- Santa Rosa sucks.

- Wait a minute, boys.

If there's something special happening,

I'll lend you a camera with film.

- You will?

- Sure.

Would this be a Polaroid camera?

Sorry, those babies are never for loan.

So you'd have to send the film to a lab?

Sure. But, don't worry.

I'll check every print myself.

No, thanks, Mr. Greener, we'll be back

in the morning for the Polaroid film.

♪ Even Jake, the plumber

♪ He's a man I adore

♪ Had the nerve to tell me he's been married before

♪ Everyone knows that I'm just Secondhand Rose

♪ From Second Avenue

Oy vey!

Next.

Well, hello.

Are you here to sing or to make butter?

They told me to come in costume.

No, dear, that's tomorrow.

I don't like that music man.

He's mean to the Young American Misses.

It's a depressing thing to see one person

being mean to another person.

I need a drink.

For those who think young.

What is it, Mr. Nakas?

It's starting.

I told them it would start, and it started.

- What?

- The pipes are backed up.

I can hear them moaning and grumbling and starting to choke.

I can't hear nothing.

I got an acute sense of hearing pipes.

There they go.

They're fed up with swallowing Kotex.

Who wouldn't be?

I don't really think of it as a competition that much

because we all want to win,

but we're not really competing with each other.

We're more friends.

I guess I'll just be happy that I was here.

I think it was a good opportunity for me

and I've met a lot of people.

Next to my mom and dad,

I guess I'd have to say my accordion.

The Young American Miss from Salinas, Maria Gonzales.

- Yes, ma'am.

- You're next.

What is that, dear?

I thought the judges would be hungry

after helping us so long,

so I made them a specialty of my native land.

It's guacamole dip.

Like you did for the Bears.

Si.

God, how can you stand being her roommate?

It's all right.

She spends most of her time in the kitchen

making guacamole dip.

Abraham Lincoln and Pancho Villa symbolize my own theory.

Hello, this is Ernestine, the operator,

calling for Miss Pearl Bailey.

Well, I'm sorry if she's tired,

but could you please put her on?

It's very important.

Their parents made them beautiful, not them.

I got it.

Boys get money and scholarships

for making a lot of touchdowns, right?

Why shouldn't a girl get one for being cute and charming?

Yeah, but maybe boys shouldn't be

getting money for making touchdowns.

Hello, this is Ernestine, the operator.

Who am I speaking to?

This is Edith Bunker, the dingbat.

And one, two, three, four.

Coming along. Okay, now watch this.

And kick and bend.

No, if you kick and bend at the same time,

you're going to knock yourself out.

All right, once again. Here we go, and...

♪ Spring is here

♪ Why doesn't the breeze delight me

♪ Stars appear

♪ Why doesn't the night invite me

♪ Maybe it's because nobody loves me

I went to Juilliard for this?

We all went to Juilliard.

♪ Spring is here, I hear

♪ Summer in the sunshine

♪ Days that never end

♪ When the spotlight

DiCarlo Trophies.

Golfer awards?

Worst golfer awards?

Hey, Andy. You got the trophies?

- Yeah, I'm working on them.

- Working on them?

What the hell, Andy, the first show's tonight.

Your wife told me to come over and pick them up.

You tell my wife to go...

It's a little drunken golfer leaning on his putter.

Alan, tell my wife I'm working on them.

- Ramon will bring them over this afternoon.

- Okay, you're the boss.

No, she's the boss.

She just doesn't know how to make trophies.

Now, at this point, I take my sparklers

and I light them with my Torch of Freedom.

But you don't have to worry-

But let's not put too much powder in these things.

If we're gonna have a fire, save it for the last night.

I know how to handle my equipment.

Now, I want red and green gels

at both the spots at my entrance

and I want the senior klieg at 50%

when I do my high tosses because-

- Yeah, yeah.

- Por favor, you're on.

Helga, when you go out there, be sure to...

Will you please shut the door?

Amigos!

I would like to tell you the tale of two great nations.

One, my humble place of birth.

And one, my new homeland!

Applause, applause, applause.

To tell you this tale, I will need the help

of two old friends.

These are my friends.

Cue tape.

One is named Chico

and the other's named Joe.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you guessed it.

This is a tale about, of course,

Mexico, and these United States!

Gross.

In the beginning, these two great neighboring giants

hardly knew each other existed.

But soon, they discovered each other

and their respect for each other grew higher.

Last night she gave our host parents a pinata.

- I'm gonna get her.

- Do you want me to help?

Yeah.

We'll do it as soon as we're sure we've lost.

Forever by these two wonderful, marvelous countries.

Excuse me, dear.

I'm going to interrupt you just for a moment.

Girls, I'd like you to meet

California's reigning Young American Miss, Jo Ann Marshall.

And these are some of the former winners and has-beens.

Jo Ann and the girls are going to be

rehearsing with you today.

Girls, here's our emcee,

the real star of the show, Ted Farley.

Hi, girls, I'm sorry to hear about the little problem

you had with the toilets

but as they say in France, "No wee-wee."

- Keep the motor running.

- I got my motor running.

Jeez.

- Where do you think you're going?

- I'm looking for my dad.

Your dad's not around here.

Unless he's a teenage girl.

- No, my dad is Robert Freelander.

- Big Bob?

Yeah, you must be Little Bob.

- Yeah, Little Bob.

- Yeah, right.

Say, what can I do for you back here?

Well, I was supposed to meet my father

and I've looked all over.

Now, you know Big Bob.

Everywhere at once.

Tell you what now, nobody's

supposed to be back here on this path

since you're Little Bob, I think it'll be all right.

Yeah, thanks.

Tell you what, why don't you look

down there by those telephones?

I think you'll find him there. Okay?

- All right, we'll see you later, little buddy.

- Goodbye.

♪ Who's that comin' down the street

♪ Who's that lookin' so petite

♪ Who's that comin' down to meet me

♪ Who's that you know who I mean

♪ Sweetest who you've ever seen

♪ I can tell her miles and miles from here

♪ Oh yes I can

♪ Yes, sir that's my baby

♪ No, sir I don't mean maybe

♪ Yes, sir that's my baby now

♪ Yes, sir, we've decided

♪ No, man we just can't hide it

♪ Yes, sir that's my baby now

(upbeat music)

♪ Oh yes, I'm gonna say my honey

♪ Yes, sir that's my baby

♪ No, sir I don't mean maybe

♪ Yes, sir, that's my baby now

(girls screaming)

Oh. my God! Somebody's at the window!

♪ Who's that coming down the street

♪ Who's that lookin' so petite

♪ Who's that comin' down to meet me

I was looking for my dad.

Big Bob. Good old Big Bob.

I tripped and fell in there.

I wasn't taking any pictures of the girls.

I swear on my mother's life!

♪ Yes, sir that's my baby

♪ No, sir I don't mean maybe

♪ Yes, sir that's my baby now

♪ Yes, man, we've decided

♪ No, man, we just can't hide it

♪ Yes, man, you're invited now

♪ (frantic music)

(upbeat music)

13,14,15,16,17.

Sorry, it's the lights.

♪ Me ol" bam-boo

♪ You better never bother with me ol" bam-boo

♪ You can have me hat or me 'number-shoot

♪ But you better never bother with me ol" Dam-boo

(upbeat music)

She's fine!

Easy, easy. Hold her carefully.

Stand back, kids. Give her some air!

You're all right. She's fine.

- Now give her some air.

- She's fine. Everything is fine.

She'll be all right.

- Who is that?

- Maureen somebody.

What happened?

One of the girls fainted. She'll be all right.

Did she trip?

Trip over a nail or something we could be sued for?

No, and I'll tell her how concerned you were.

- Jesus Christ, she scared me half to death.

- I almost fainted.

Well, it is one less competition.

God, I'm really sorry I said that.

- I have an awful confession to make.

- Yeah?

You know when Maureen fainted?

The same thing crossed my mind.

- It's getting weird.

"Judy!

Has anybody seen my butter churn?

Now listen. Just listen.

In about two minutes, you'll go out there

and be professional dancers.

Your job is to make the audience happy.

I know that a lot of you are scared

and don't think you can do it.

But I've been watching you all very carefully,

and I know that you can.

Now I'd like you to think about a 17-year-old kid

who came to me when I was staging dances

for the Mike Curb Congregation.

She hadn't had a bit of experience

but she wanted to try so bad that we just had to let her.

That was four years ago

and now that girl is one of the Mike Curb lead dancers.

Now, that may not seem like much to you ladies

but that girl has a wooden foot.

Now go out there and dance with your two good feet.

That was really a beautiful story.

Listen, I have a syndicated radio show heard in four states.

I'm always looking for inspirational youth stories.

- Do you mind if I use that?

- Be my guest.

But it's total bullshit.

- Hello!

- Hello!

Who says hello?

Young America!

- Are you all here?

- Yes, we're all here!

(upbeat music)

♪ Ready to start out, singing our hearts out

♪ We can see a bright tomorrow

♪ Built by youth you see today

♪ We have faith, we have hope

♪ We can see a brighter day

♪ We're here to sing

♪ We're here to dance

♪ Everyone's here with an equal chance

♪ To be crowned a Young American

♪ Young American Miss

♪ Pick your favorite and sing along

♪ Tap your feet and sing our song

♪ We can see a bright tomorrow

♪ Built by youth you see today

♪ We have faith, we have hope

♪ We can see a brighter day

Take it away!

(audience applauding)

Hi, I'm Jo Ann Marshall, California's Young American Miss.

And I'd like to welcome you

to tonight's first preliminary show

and invite you back for tomorrow's show.

And the really big show, Saturday night.

(upbeat music)

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight!

♪ Me ol" bam-boo

♪ You better never bother with me ol" ham-boo

♪ You can have me hat or me 'number-shoot

♪ But you better never bother with me ol" Dam-boo

(audience applauding)

You know something?

You did a hell of a job.

Took a bunch of nice high-school kids,

and turned them into Vegas showgirls.

On each of these preliminary nights, we feature and judge

the creative talents of the girls from one color group.

Tonight, settle back, relax, and enjoy

the creative talents of the peach group.

This could mean 30 points to them.

Doria has written and will deliver an essay

based on personal experience.

Here she is, Anaheim's Young American Miss, Doria Houston.

Beauty, yes.

Curly hair, floppy hat, glittery dresses, they were in,

so I have them all.

But one day, on my mad dash to the cosmetics counter

I stumbled by chance into a library.

"To thine own self be true."

At last I had found a beauty aid

that didn't come in a bottle:

Simplicity.

I learned that one single solid gold strand

could be more beautiful than all my costume jewelry.

Off came the silly shoes, the hat, all that glittered.

Soon with shiny nonsense my floor was littered.

If you wanna be a real cutie,

always strive for inner beauty.

'Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow.

They work not, they toil not.

Yet I say unto you that even Solomon in all his glory

was not so beautiful as these."

(audience applauding)

Thank you.

And now, a double treat.

Healdsburg's Young American Miss, Bobbi Erickson

will play the ever popular and thrilling Ebb Tide

and simultaneously she will

at the same time exhibit her paintings.

A feast for both eyes and ears.

(gentle music)

(upbeat music)

♪ Delta Dawn, what's that flower you have on

♪ Could it be a faded rose from days gone by

And did I hear you say he was meeting you here today

♪ To take you to his mansion in the sky

♪ You were meant for me

♪ I was meant for you

♪ Nature patterned you

And when she was done

♪ You were all the sweet things

♪ Rolled up in one

(gentle music)

Rotting maggots of death

crawling out of the skull of war.

Vomit and blood run freely over the battlefield.

(audience applauding)

Even in the Young American Miss's concern

of her own personal appearance

and the way she conducts herself

gives to others the feeling that she cares for them.

And she does.

We share with her this concern for the individual

as she participates now in the Gown and Grace Division.

- Where are you going?

- Oh, Mr. French.

Quit bawling, Robin.

You just had a lucky break.

Now they'll notice you.

So go out there, and use it.

Hi. I'm Helga Kleinsmidth, Vacaville's Young American Miss

and I think it's fun to have pillow fights

on Sunday morning before church with my folks.

(audience applauding)

Buenas noches.

I am Maria Gonzales and I think it is fun to live in a land

of equal opportunity for all its citizens

regardless of race, creed, or color.

(audience applauding)

Hi, I'm Robin Gibson, Antelope Valley's Young American Miss

and I think it's embarrassing to have your umbrella break.

(audience applauding)

They learn fast.

Our fourth judge is a former Young American Miss from 1966

Miss Gloria Randall.

Didn't I tell you, folks, the girls get prettier every year?

And again this year, holding the envelopes

with the names of tonight's winners

our Dean of judges and a winner in his own right,

Big Bob Freelander.

Big Bob, hey!

Welcome, folks!

I know you came to see a whale of a show,

and a whale of a show it is.

How does Santa Rosa feel about that?

(audience applauding) (audience cheering)

But you know, folks

to these talented and lovely high-school girls

from all over this great state of ours,

this is a lot more than just another show.

Tonight, for them, is the big one.

Of course, this is just a preliminary night.

Tickets are still on sale for the next two nights-

Right, three nights in all. Four winners each night.

Lots of winners.

♪ Well east coast girls are hip

♪ I really dig those styles they wear

And southern girls with the way they talk

♪ They knock me out out when I'm down there

♪ The midwest farmer's daughters

♪ Really make you feel all right

And the northern girls with the way they kiss

♪ They keep their boyfriends warm at night

(upbeat music)

♪ I wish they all could be California Girls

Doria, you know the judges were dumb, anyway.

You were much better than that girl that won.

You don't have to cheer me up anymore, Robin.

What the hell, now that I know I'm not winning anything.

I can smoke.

I thought we weren't supposed to smoke around the girls.

That's what the committee said.

If she can smoke, I can smoke.

They told us a lot of girls didn't win the preliminaries

they went on to win the contest.

I mean, talent's only part of it.

Forget it, Robin.

Talent was my ace in the hole.

If they don't like me taking off my clothes,

they're gonna hate my grades.

You shouldn't be so sure you're not gonna win.

I don't mind it.

I did at first, now it's kind of a relief, you know.

Besides, now I can pass all my little tricks on to you.

Tricks?

Yeah, I guess I should have before,

but we were in competition.

What kind of tricks?

Little things I know that you don't.

Like what?

Like tonight, for instance.

You didn't jump up and down enough when Miss Woodland won.

And you didn't even cry when you won yourself.

Is that bad?

It sure is. Beauty contest judges like their emotions big.

And you don't smile enough.

My God, I've smiled so much my gums are raw.

Put some Vaseline on your teeth.

It helps your lips glide over them.

- You're kidding me.

No. All the girls do it.

And Maria Gonzales puts enough on to grease a flagpole.

"No!

- Yes.

Get some pantyhose.

Bare legs are kind of splotchy under the spotlights.

- Doria, I'm not gonna do all that.

- You're crazy not to.

You have a real chance of winning the money.

- Get off it.

- Robin, you do.

Look, you've already won Vim and Vigor, right?

You have great grades and you play the flute,

which is a classy talent.

If you'd just keep smiling, you can win.

And it wouldn't hurt to mention

once in a while that you have no father.

Was that a terrible thing to say?

No.

It's just that they keep telling us

this thing isn't a competition.

It's a competition.

I still don't understand how you could do this to me.

Dad, I wasn't doing anything to you.

You hurt the pageant, hurt me.

Seven years without a scandal,

and now my own son causes one.

- What am I supposed to say to people?

- Tell them I'm adopted.

Robert Freelander, Jr., you have a sassy mouth.

You should be a little humble after what you did.

Now wipe that off.

I don't see why I have to see a psychiatrist.

Do you want to go to jail? That's the big alternative.

Come on, we'll go to jail.

- Do you want to go to jail?

- No.

- And you're gonna go in here now?

- Yes.

Take your hands out of your pocket.

You're very lucky you're my son, you know.

If this doctor thinks I'm crazy, wait till he meets Freddy.

Dr. Kelly. Code Blue, five east.

Here it is.

- Mrs. Chambers-

- It's my fault. I feel guilty.

Hi, Doctor.

Your appointment will be in a few moments.

Would you mind, please?

I must admit I'm really not too sold

on this psychiatry stuff myself.

Seems like an awful lot of self-pity in it to me.

You may come in now.

- Please have a chair.

- Where's Mrs. Chambers?

She left.

Oh, two entrances.

Make yourself comfortable.

Now, you're Robert Freelander.

No, we're both Robert Freelander.

Big Bob. Little Bob.

How long have you called your son Little Bob?

Why, ever since he was little.

Actually, I'd hoped to meet both parents

at the initial consultation.

Mrs. Freelander is ill. She's got the flu.

She got it the minute I got in trouble.

Does your mother get sick often?

Doctor, we're not here to discuss my wife.

Your wife is this boy's mother.

In order to discuss his problems-

What are you guys always trying

to pin everything on a guy's mother for?

Mr. Freelander, are you angry with me?

No, I'm not angry at you.

Of course I'm not angry at you.

I'm just trying to help Little.

You and I are both here trying to help my son.

We could begin the consultations alone with the boy.

And then you and your wife could join us later.

No, I'd like to see Little Bob through this thing myself.

It'd be okay, Dad.

It is pageant week.

Unbelievable amounts of work down there.

No rest for the weary.

I understand.

Well, you run on, and we'll see you in a couple of sessions.

That'd be just super.

How about you, son?

You gonna be able to get to school on your own,

are you then?

- I do it every day.

- Right.

Independent little guy.

Nice to meet you.

Son, you pay attention to this man now.

He is a doctor.

Hi, Blanche. How about some coffee and a glazed doughnut?

And don't charge me for the hole, Blanche.

They told me at the shop that you'd be here.

- Having a second breakfast there?

- First.

I just wanted to make sure you were coming

to the Exhausted Rooster Ceremony tonight.

I don't think so, Bob.

Come on, Andy.

The guys are really counting on you.

Look, I told you I just don't feel.

Thank you, my dear. Quick as ever.

Look, I told you I just don't feel like

kissing a dead chicken's ass.

Come on, Andy. It's a snap. Like that.

Besides, I'm an Exalted Exhausted Rooster.

I'll be standing right next to you with my sheet on.

There's nothing to it.

You're looking at a man who's seen

as many chickens' asses as another chicken.

How about a bib?

Besides, I shouldn't have to remind an old guzzler like you

of the amounts of old boozzola that'll be there.

I'm getting a reputation for being a drunk, aren't I?

- No, you certainly are not.

- It's true.

- No, it's not true.

- It's true.

First I was drinking a little, then I was drinking a lot.

Damn, it sure sneaks up on you.

I just sort of slid into it.

That's one thing I'm awful good at. Sliding.

I'm having problems with Brenda.

Sexual problems.

No, thank you, dear. We're fine.

Just fine, thank you.

You're not having any problems.

She's frigid.

That's why I started drinking.

She says it's my fault.

She says my drinking turned her off.

I've been drinking so much,

I don't know what the truth is anymore.

Then it doesn't matter one whole hell of a lot, does it?

You're gonna have to start pulling yourself

together and quit moping around, here.

Seriously, you got to get out there

and start having some fun.

You can get headaches

sitting around here trying to figure out

which came first: the chicken or the egg.

Speaking of chickens,

I know a place where we can have, this very night,

some real fun.

All right, I'll go to the ceremony.

Swell.

You sure are one hell of a salesman.

I better be.

I heard about Little Bob. I really am sorry about that.

Those things happen.

We'll have Little Bob straightened out in no time

and right back on the right track.

Doesn't anything ever get you down?

Yeah, I get my apple cart upset sometimes.

I just learned a long time ago

to accept a little less from life, that's all.

Want to know who taught me this great lesson in life?

Elizabeth Taylor.

What?

I never bothered to tell you the story

because I don't believe in negative stories

but one time I actually had a date with old Liz herself.

You're kidding.

Do you remember when I went off

to junior college in Los Angeles?

I had a class with a guy that was Liz Taylor's cousin.

He fixed me up with her.

- What was she like?

- I never met her.

- You just said-

- No, I just said that I had a date with her.

I never said that she kept it.

You should've seen all the preparations I made.

I went out and got the best flowers that I could find

and a great table at the world-famous

Cocoanut Grove restaurant.

And then she never showed up.

That was the weekend that she ran off

and married the hotel guy.

I'm sorry.

You don't have to be sorry.

Just that now I'm married to Roberta,

and I'm happy about it.

Even though she is a little less than Elizabeth Taylor.

God, Elizabeth Taylor was beautiful.

And that girl had a wooden foot.

And now, as we begin the Creative Talent Division on this,

the Final Preliminary night

before the Final Big Show, tomorrow night

when, at last, our new California Young American Miss

will finally be chosen right here on this stage

in a burst of tears and laughter and glory.

But first, I'd just like to say a word

about how these girls have affected me, personally.

Not Ted Farley, the smooth entertainer

that you see here before you, but Ted Farley, the man.

- Maria, could you hook this, please?

- I'm on in a second.

- It's the top one.

- Here, let me do it for you.

Not only to me, but to everybody

who has participated in the pageant.

Even Ray Brandy and all the guys in the band.

The lack of competitiveness

and the genuine desire of each girl.

I do this. It's fine, I started it. It's okay.

Just another example of what makes

America the place I'm proud to be a part of.

Aba daba daba daba daba daba daba

♪ Said the monkey to the chimp

♪ All night long, they'd chatter away

♪ All day long they're happy and gay

♪ Swingin' and singin' in a honky-tooky way

(bright music)

And for that very special wool jacket

there's still good old tissue paper

to help keep out nasty creases.

And one final tip, girls.

(upbeat music)

(accordion music)

And so these great nations

have gone speeding through history.

Brown hands and white hands, reaching out to the skies

in heavenly harmony!

(explosions booming)

(upbeat music)

♪ Come on baby let the good times roll

♪ Come on baby let me thrill your soul

♪ Come on baby let the good times roll

♪ Roll all night long

♪ Come on baby

♪ This is something I just can't miss

♪ Come on baby let the good times roll

♪ Roll all night long

Hey, Big Bob! Good to see you.

How are you?

Help me with my sheet, here.

Where's somebody go to wet their whistle around here?

-A|, son of a gun.

- Let's get a beer. Come on.

Hey, Pancho! How are you?

Look, isn't that the saddest looking bunch

of Exhausted Rooster Candidates?

Haven't I told you every year

they get more exhausted looking?

- Here, have a beer.

- How the hell are you, Big Bob?

Peel that.

You missed out on a lot of fun.

Where've you been?

- Had a little trouble with the pageant.

- Good. I'll drink to that.

That's not funny. Some poor girl's act was ruined.

Our first Mexican-American entry

claims her act was sabotaged.

- I hardly believe that.

- I hope that's not true.

Our club has spent a lot of time and money

trying to help these young people become responsible adults.

I'll barbecue your ass!

Didn't I tell you it was gonna be fun?

Didn't I tell you, as our friends south

of the border would say, "Dos pelotas!"

(men shouting)

(bottles ringing)

(people chattering)

I love it!

Come on.

- What's wrong?

- Come on, Andy, be a man.

Andy!

Andy!

If Wilson can't get to the bottom of it,

I'll get into it myself tomorrow.

I've got to hang up now.

Yeah, I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye-bye.

Andy, I just had the rug shampooed.

Piss on the rug.

You're drunk.

What's the matter?

I think I'm going crazy.

Now, that's a stupid thing to say.

I was in the park.

Grown men horsing around in sheets.

Big Bob grinning at me through his hood.

Either they're crazy or I'm crazy!

Did Big Bob tell you what happened at the pageant-

- I don't give a damn about that pageant!

- Go ahead!

I'm used to you making fun of all the things I do.

But I'm going to go right on doing them!

You have to do something with your time

when you're married to the town drunk.

(sobbing)

You won't let me make up, will you?

Brenda, that's what we're supposed to do,

comfort each other.

- I'm tired!

- Well, I'm tired of your being tired!

You're crazy!

I already said that.

Oh, poor thing.

Andy!

Andy?

Where are you?

If you're doing anything to mess up my clean rug.

Don't worry, I'm standing on the paper.

-Andy, you can't!

- Quit telling me what to do!

That's terrific.

If you've got a problem, don't try to solve it

just take the coward's way out.

Coward!

You're right, Brenda.

This is the coward's way out.

I should attack my real problem.

(gun bangs)

Hey, I'm property of the United States Navy, man.

I don't belong here.

I want to see a psychiatrist.

- Let me out!

- What do we have here?

Hey, let me out!

I guess you heard Brenda's okay.

Just a little nick in the shoulder.

Sounds of the big house.

It's a little scary.

How are you?

I'm pretty good. I'm pretty damn good.

Guess you're relieved Brenda's not pressing charges, though.

I knew she wouldn't.

This way she can keep her precious pageant

out of the newspaper.

Andy, now wait a second.

I'm your best friend, right?

First of all, I don't think

you're being fair to the little lady.

Seriously, she's been an enormous help

to me throughout this whole thing.

You know the biggest thing you could do for me?

- Don't always be knocking the pageant.

- Screw the pageant!

What am I supposed to say to that?

I'm sorry.

- You going to work today?

- Hell, no!

What are you gonna do?

You'll be out of here soon.

I don't know exactly.

- I'll probably leave Santa Rosa-

- Oh, no.

You got to stay in Santa Rosa, Andy.

You can lick your problems, right here in your own backyard.

Who wants to?

Andy, it's very simple.

All it takes is a drop more perseverance,

a drop more optimism, and a drop more energy.

Simple.

Hey, wait a minute.

I've heard that before.

- Heard what before?

- That drip-drop crap.

Brenda read that to me.

That's right out of the Young American Miss program.

A good philosophy is good philosophy.

And I don't happen to be a snob about where I get it from.

I can tell you another thing,

as your best friend talking to you

quit wallowing around in all this self-indulgent self-pity

and get out there and start helping others.

Bob, I've finally figured out what you are.

You know what you are?

A goddamn Young American Miss.

Okay, we got the list down to 10.

- All excellent choices.

- All wonderful girls.

- They sure are. Now, let's drop five.

- Right.

We could drop her.

You really hate jelly jars, don't you, Father?

- Not as a container for jelly.

- This isn't getting us home.

Okay, you're right.

I think we've all lost our way a little here.

Let's go back to basics.

It's all right here in the judges' manual.

Let's remind ourselves of the qualities

we are asked to find in the winner.

A Young American Miss must be cheerful,

perseverant, sincere, show a genuine concern for others.

Right. And those aren't bad things to be.

Are they?

Look, the deal was $2,000. I want my money.

You'll get your money as soon as you take out

that ramp you put in first.

God damn it, I told you I can't do that now!

Mr. French, I expect you to be reasonable about this.

You are a professional.

The Jaycees never really planned on that ramp.

But you approved it.

We didn't realize it was going to eliminate

so many seats from our Golden Circle.

What Golden Circle?

The golden chairs that go right here,

where your ramp is now.

We always put them in on the final night.

And as it is now,

they're already all sold out for $10 a head.

Now, if you need the ramp in here,

it means that we're out 50 chairs and $500.

I sympathize with your problem,

but you should've told me sooner.

There's nothing I can do about it now.

Yes, there is. You can take out the ramp.

If I take that ramp out now

I will have to completely restage

all the numbers in one afternoon.

Is that so hard?

These girls are not Ginger Rogers.

They dance more like Roy Rogers.

I'd hoped you thought a little more of our girls than that.

Don't give me that sanctimonious shit!

You're the one that doesn't give a goddamn about the girls.

If I take that ramp out now,

they'll fall all over themselves.

The finance committee did come up with another idea

but I don't think you're gonna like it.

Try me.

How would you feel about picking up the tab

for the amount we lose because of your ramp being there?

It means we would deduct $500 from your check.

How would you feel about having the whole pageant

shoved up your ass, bamboo poles and all?

Now see here, Mr. French,

I'm trying to be reasonable about this.

Our Jaycee chapter is almost bankrupt

because of this meat show!

If we don't break even, we'll have to cancel

the Rodeo for the Retarded.

Surely $500 can't mean that much

to a Hollywood professional.

And one, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, turn!

One, two, three, four

five, six, seven, eight.

Hold it!

Get rid of the ramp.

Now, ladies, pay attention. We've got a lot of work to do.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight!

♪ Me ol" bam-boo

♪ You better never bother with me ol" Dam-boo

♪ You can have me hat or me 'number-shoot

♪ But you better never bother with me ol" Dam-boo

- Mr. French, are you busy?

- Yeah.

I'd just like to ask you one question

about my daughter, Celia Parks?

The one who sang I Feel Pretty.

I just wanted to know if you think

she has a future as a professional singer.

Not unless Florence Henderson dies.

We feel we are not doing these new routines

as well without the ramp.

We were just wondering why we can't have the ramp.

Because I said so.

Was there something else?

We'll never be as good without the ramp.

It just isn't fair!

Few things in life are.

I've been working so hard all week.

Vim and Vigor is my best event.

I've won the preliminaries, and I was counting on that ramp.

Hold it a minute!

Are you speaking for the group now?

Because if you are, you're sure using the word "|" a lot.

No, I guess I'm speaking for myself.

Then here's an answer, just for you: The ramp is out!

16, 17, 18, 19, 20.

♪ Me ol" bam-boo

♪ You better never bother with me ol" Dam-boo

♪ You can have me hat or me 'number-shoot

♪ But you better never bother with me ol" Dam-boo

And one, two, and turn!

Easy.

- Are you all right?

- Yeah, I'm all right.

What happened?

I should have gone left instead of straight ahead.

I flunked Driver's Ed for the same thing.

Put back the ramp.

You win, you little toad bastard!

I want the $1,500 tonight!

And if Miss Anaheim is not smart enough to sue you

I will personally introduce her

to a nice lawyer who is not a Jaycee.

- No, listen, I'm going to soak it.

-Are you all right, darling?

Can I get you anything, a doctor, a Pepsi?

Wait, let me help you.

- Please don't make such a fuss, dear.

- I'm fine. I'm absolutely fine.

- Hello, Earl. How are you tonight?

- See you inside.

- Doesn't it hurt?

- It's not important.

Please remember I simply slipped and sprained my arm.

That's all.

Yeah, but I think you're being too good

to that bastard by keeping this thing quiet.

If Gary took a shot at me,

I'd make sure it was on the front page.

Why are you protecting him?

It's not for Andy. It's for the girls.

He's lucky to be leaving someone like you.

How do you feel? How's your knee?

The knee's okay, but I'm so nervous.

I mean, I'm starting to feel

like I wanna win again, you know?

Yeah. It's a hard feeling to get rid of, isn't it?

Right.

Sometimes I feel like I could win, you know?

Then I get mad at myself for wanting to,

and then I get mad at myself

for being dumb enough to think that I could.

Yeah, I feel the same way.

I want to win so bad.

Big Bob. How are we doing?

- How are we doing?

- Yeah.

Oh, we're doing great, Wilson.

We are doing just great.

And a hell of job by you this year.

It's show time!

And to shine over this great and fabulous evening,

Old Glory carried with honor

by the Santa Rosa Marine Auxiliary Color Guard.

Three strong Americans who keep America strong.

("National Anthem")

(upbeat music)

And with their symbolic rose of friendship

each of our girls bids adieu

to the reigning Young American Miss, Jo Ann Marshall.

Goodbye, Jo Ann.

Goodbye, Young American Miss.

There they go, ladies and gentlemen, the judges.

And frankly, I don't envy them one little bit.

They have already done the impossible

by selecting the five most wonderful.

To entertain you while our judges deliberate,

those truly grand and truly glorious has-beens

have worked up a little number.

You'll enjoy this.

Let's bring them on with a round of applause.

Ladies and gentlemen, our has-beens.

(drums rolling)

Thank you, Jo Ann.

Here it is, ladies and gentlemen.

I sometimes wonder how those astronauts

handle all that pressure.

And our fourth runner-up, ladies and gentlemen,

Miss Anaheim, Doria Houston!

Anaheim's own Doria Houston!

And our third runner-up:

Miss Fresno, Leslie Anderson!

And here it is, our second runner-up.

What an exciting night.

Miss Modesto, Judy Wagner!

Modesto's own Judy Wagner!

And now, it's time for the first runner-up.

And remember, ladies and gentlemen

that if for any reason our California

Young American Miss selected tonight

is unable to fulfill her responsibilities,

this is the girl that would take her place.

Our first runner-up:

Greater Dinuba, Nancy Hess!

Nancy Hess from Greater Dinuba!

And now, here it is, that special moment

that we've worked all week toward.

I don't mind telling you, hairs are standing on end.

And remember, there are no winners and losers here,

because each of our girls is a winner.

But if there ever was a winner, this would be it.

This is the gal to beat in Baton Rouge, Louisiana,

our new California Young American Miss.

Fountain Valley, Shawn Christianson!

Miss Fountain Valley, Shawn Christianson!

(audience applauding) (audience cheering)

♪ Once she held her tears inside

♪ But now there's nothing left to hide

♪ An all-American girl you see

♪ She's all an American girl should be

♪ With an inner beauty she shines bright

♪ With a sense of duty here tonight

♪ She'll wear her crown with love and respect

♪ She's our Young American girl elect

♪ An all-American girl you see

♪ She's all an American girl should be

There she is, ladies and gentlemen,

California's new Young American Miss, Shawn Christianson.

Isn't she lovely?

Aren't they all lovely?

Isn't everyone lovely?

(upbeat music)

Our thanks to all of our lovely contestants,

the great work done by the Jaycees,

our fabulously unique judges,

of course, the fantastic orchestra

under the supervision of Ray Brandy,

our stupendous director, the superb

Hollywood professional, Mr. Tommy French.

And, of course, our miraculous stage crew.

Mostly, thank you, ladies and gentlemen,

for making it such a great evening.

Thank you and good night.

See you next year!

Doria!

Robin, I wanted you to win, too.

Maybe I'm not an opportunist.

Listen, Doria, don't worry about it.

I'm just glad it's over.

No shit.

Momma!

I'm so glad to see you.

Are you done with this stuff?

- Excuse me?

- I throw it away.

Go ahead, throw it away. Thank you.

Front and center, huh!

Forward, huh!

Detail, halt.

Order, huh!

At ease.

Keep them tight. Roll them up.

- Hiya, fellas.

- How you doing?

You guys sure did a super job tonight.

Thank you.

Thank you. Watch the flag, Gene.

The First Division, huh?

Yes, sir.

Roll in tight.

I was in the First Division.

Watch your flag there, Gene.

We held the Chosin Reservoir.

Did you see the knockers on Miss Imperial County?

- Yeah, both of them.

- Let's get out of here.

♪ Smile though your heart is aching

♪ Smile even though it's breaking

No, these are just for Sunday.

Actually, I have six more of them.

I just wear these on Sundays. What? Four.

♪ Light up your face with gladness

♪ Hide every trace of sadness

♪ Although a tear may be ever so near

♪ That's the time you must keep on trying

Step right into my Guy here, Mom.

My open road. How about that?

Have a balloon here, Dad.

Let me show you something.

How about solid construction?

Look at this solid body, solid steel.

Why are you worrying about credit?

We don't worry about it.

♪ If you just smile

(bright music)

(upbeat music)

♪ We can see a bright tomorrow

♪ Built by youth you see today

♪ We have faith, we have hope

♪ We can see a brighter day

-13,14,15,16, 17, 18, 19, 20.

♪ Me ol" bam-boo

♪ You better never bother with me ol" Dam-boo

♪ You can have me hat or me 'number-shoot

♪ But you better never bother with me ol" Dam-boo

(upbeat music)