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On Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread

and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.

Lead us not into temptation, deliver us from evil,

for thine is the Kingdom and the power...

Mother.

How much longer do we have to have Daddy at the table?

- And the glory... - It is pushing it, Clare.

Sidney's been dead a week already.

Forever, Amen.

Amen.

Now leave Clare alone.

It's so hard to let go, to say goodbye.

Rosa, you have destroyed my priceless Steuben.

- Please Señora Lipkin. - That platter was irreplaceable.

What is it, Clare?

- Please, I did not mean to. - No, I'm sure you didn't.

And I... I don't really mean this.

They always make a sound.

Wait!

Just a moment.

Daddy gave me that Steuben.

I want her to hurt the way I hurt inside.

Juan, they've killed Rosa.

They've killed Rosa, hurry!

- Mo bought it at Abercrombie & Fitch. - It's divine.

Does it make much of a mess?

Oh, it's wonderful, blood everywhere.

Well, let me have a look at that.

- Cunning, isn't it? - Oh Mo, you've always had a talent to abuse.

Rosita?

What did they do to you?

My face is on fire, like a terrible jewel.

Tell me, is not a human heart like Steuben, irreplaceable.

Don't talk.

Tonight, revenge will best be served hot.

Hurry, he's coming.

Well, if it isn't Cantinflas with the stilton soup.

Look at his basket, hard as a stale baguette.

Time for your facial peel, Mrs. Lipkin.

Gonna take ten years off.

Surprise!

♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Juan. ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪

- Rosa, you're all right? - Yes.

It was all part of the surprise.

Mrs. Lipkin, she was working on it for weeks.

You didn't really think I'd kill a maid, did you?

Although, I must say, it felt wonderful!

You should've seen your face.

Oh, for Christ's sake, bring on the cake.

Yes!

You did all this for me?

Yes.

And because Sidney...

is gone now,

I'm going to give you the greatest gift of all.

I should be writing for Dynasty.

Kick ass.

Lipkin residence.

Hey, Frank.

No, I was just dozing.

What?

The balcony?

What... all right, okay, I'm going.

Whoa, check it out.

Is that right, I thought she looked familiar.

I mean, the back of head anyway.

Guess she ain't eaten in days.

Shit, they're back already.

I'll check you later, man.

Oh, it's for me, I know it.

- Rosa, can you find us some coffee? - Si, señora.

Well, it's finally over.

Sidney Lipkin Companies have completed their much awaited merger with Mother Earth, Inc.

They'll give the sagging maggot industry an instantaneous boost in the arm.

What a horrid, fabulous thing to say.

I'm so glad you're here, Mo.

I can feel a binge coming on, ready?

Binge, now wait just a minute, Mrs. Lipkin, if TV's Hillary is going to make a come back,

it's not going to be on the cover of The Enquirer.

Hillary does not look like a jowly blowfish.

Hillary is svelte, Hillary is suburban.

Thirty-five years old and still a bulimic.

Thirty-five?

Binge and purge, binge and purge.

Well, Sidney has been purged and I am ready for the binge.

What are you doing, are you trying to ruin my reputation as Beverly Hills' foremost thinologist?

Honestly. Bojangles?

Where's my favorite chien sauvage?

- Bojangles, here boy, Bojangles. - Mom, how long is that thing going to be tomorrow?

I told Mimi I'd go to the beach with her.

Darling, that thing is your father's wake.

And you will be there and you will like it.

Sorry, Mother.

Mimi, that thing is my father's wake.

I thought Sidney looked smashing in that little Turnbull & Asser chemise.

Did you pick that out or was it one of the maids?

Well, they tried like hell to get the stain out but couldn't quite do it.

Did you see the lipstick on his collar?

At least they got if off his fly.

- Yes, Mrs. Lipkin? - Oh, Juan, I've been looking for you.

Can you make sure the guest rooms are ready for our next-door neighbor and company?

Her brother Peter and his new wife will be staying with us

while she puts the termites to sleep.

- More slack! - No, no, pull up on on your side.

It's one monster house, isn't it?

Yeah, hey, let's get that up on the side.

Peter?

Exterminating again, Beth?

Don't call me Beth.

You always call me Beth when you think I'm pitiful.

To-Bel, this is my sister Lisabeth.

- Lisabeth. - How do you do?

- I've heard so much about you. - Oh.

I'm desperate to meet your wife.

With all these tents, she's gonna think your sister is straight out of Ringling Brothers.

- To-Bel and I were in Vegas. - Vegas?

- You don't go to Vegas. - Well, we did and we got married.

Then we had dinner with Shirley MacLaine.

- I see, the two of you? - Yeah.

What was your name again?

Uh, To-Bel.

She's so svelte.

Peter, who does she look like?

Well, I get Diahann Carroll, Leslie Uggams, and Cicely Tyson.

- Frank? - Oh, it's gorgeous.

Oh, we're not staying here, Clare's putting us up.

You haven't met Clare yet, have you, honey?

Her husband just dropped dead.

Frank, could you just take my brother's things over to Clare's?

- Yes, ma'am. - Thank you.

- Lis, are you still seeing your shrink? - No.

I've had it with doctors.

I just finished divorcing a goddamn gynecologist, Peter.

Why do you think I'm exterminating, for Christ's sake?

♪ A lipstick's traces an airline ticket to romantic places. ♪

Hey, man, what are you doing, let go!

I ain't got no bread, man, I just work here.

June-Bug, call off Mr. T.

You looking good, June-Bug.

Nice coat.

$3,700 reduced.

What you got here, huh?

Oh, um, I got some sprouts, some pâté.

You hungry?

- I don't eat that shit. - Well, I got some chicken in the house.

Let me go inside and fix you a sandwich.

You like Dijon mustard?

What I was really looking for was some rabbit.

You ain't got the no rabbit, do you, Juan?

I'm getting it together, June-Bug, just give me till next week.

Rabbits ain't too bright.

Rabbits and Mexicans' brains ain't too big.

Monday, baby, you have it for me then.

My word is gold, I've been trying to tell you that.

Just ask around, man.

Sorry if I got rough.

Hey, it's a business, I don't hold it against you.

- You don't? - Hell no... what the fuck?

- My eye! - Monday morning, Chico,

you have the money or else you wind up on Avila Street

selling tortillas out of a tin cup.

Home, James.

We met five days ago in Hawaii.

In Come-On-I-Wanna-Lay-Ya.

Then we flew straight to Vegas in a private jet.

The kind that almost killed the pope.

Uncle Peter!

Well, hello, champ.

Careful, careful, Peter.

- I want you to meet your new aunt. - I'm To-Bel.

- You're what? - Boy, have I heard stories about you.

Peter tells me that you and your mama are gonna take a trip to Africa next year.

Do you know people there?

I wouldn't go to Africa, Beth.

We're not going to that Africa, we're going to the good Africa.

Isn't it interesting, but I have no desire to go to Africa.

None whatsoever.

Israel, yes.

Now who's your friend, where are we staying?

Clare, she's an actress, but I know you want to freshen up before we go over there.

Honey, where are you going?

- I'm going next door to practice piano. - Okay.

- How long are we gonna stay there? - Just the weekend.

- Until the exterminators are through. - Bye.

How is he, really?

He's... he's fine, he's in remission.

The bags are next door.

Hm, say, what is it you got there, a computer?

It's a word processor, I write with it.

Never saw one so small.

Hm.

That was inside my suitcase.

He opens the bags to lay your things out.

Deep inside my suitcase.

- Peter, don't be paranoid. - Well, you can't trust them.

God knows who they really are!

And what do we do, we let them in!

With their dirty skin and their thieving hands and their crooked smiles, they're killers!

They kill our world with their contempt!

We have everything to lose, they nothing and they're always at home.

- At home with their black hearts! - Peter!

What the hell has gotten into you?

- Do you like it? - It's from his new play.

- Hello, Clare. - Sidney?

- How? - I'm afraid the coroner's report

will show death by autoerotic strangulation.

- Am I awake? - Were you ever?

When I plucked you from that crappy TV sitcom, you cared.

You burned for me, it wasn't my money.

That's not fair, I loved you, it was you who abandoned me.

You might as well have said your wedding vows to a mirror.

While you were saying yours to a Vegas chorus line?

Then Zandra was born, that's when I really became invisible.

That's when you stopped touching me, when I had my baby.

Why, Sidney?

I wanted to kill myself.

Zandra, how I loved that kid.

Hm, I'd buy her Saks Fifth Avenue if I could.

I've made a little discovery about the dead.

They feel, they need, they desire.

Stay away, stay away.

You know, the funny thing is, you were right.

When I was alive, I wanted to ball anyone but you.

Now you're the only one I want.

- Oh my God! - Death doesn't make any sense without you, Clare.

You'll love it in Hell, I've already picked out a house for us just like this one.

Juan, would you tell Mrs. Lipkin that her guests have arrived?

Yes, of course.

You're gonna love Clare, she used to be Hillary.

- She's planning a comeback. - Hello.

Clare, this is my brother, Peter, and his wife, Toby.

To-Bel, it's To-Bel.

Pleased to meet you.

Well, the brother. Lisabeth's told me all about you.

- Oh. - I love what you've done with your home.

Oh, well, my late husband liked the idea of an English manor trapped inside an Italian Villa

and me trapped right along with it.

We were so sorry to hear about your loss.

Well, my husband was sorrier, as Groucho would say.

I... I do recognize you from TV.

Well, I'm afraid they syndicated me this year on all those awful satellite channels.

I hear that in Salvador you get your choice of torture.

Genital clamps or Hillary.

Oh!

Oh, she's funny!

- So when did you get engaged? - Fast.

We'll have known each other a week come Sunday.

They didn't rush into anything.

So many couples don't take the extra two or three days to really learn about each other.

We were both on the rebound.

- I just had the strangest daydream. - It's awfully nice of you

to have gone to this much trouble.

Oh, it's nothing.

I have an idea, let's go to 72 Market Street for dinner and why don't you ladies join us?

I don't think I will tonight, but thank you for asking, very much.

- Lis, would you keep an old widow company? - Oh, of course I will.

- You don't mind, do you, Peter? - Not a bit.

Sweetheart, can we go to Rodeo Drive in the afternoon?

- Mo, this is my brother, Peter, and his wife Toby. - It's To-Bel.

- Oh, To-Bel, how do you do? - Hello.

Nice to meet you.

So Mr. Hepburn, this is an honor.

I'm a great fan of your plays.

Stop it.

I understand you have a new play, I wonder if there's any chance of getting...

No, no, not a prayer, not even my producer's seen it.

Baby, come here.

Bojangles, stop that!

And what do you do, Mr. Van De Kamp?

It's Doctor, actually.

- I'm a thinologist... - Oh!

Well, looks like Bojangles has made a new friend.

Where'd you get that fucking robe?

From your room.

And where'd you get a Sulka?

- It belonged to the deceased. - No shit.

Lipkin's.

All $3,000 of it.

The way I see it, you spent three grand on a bathrobe, you deserve to die.

And what happened to your face?

Cut myself shaving.

- Frank, I'm in trouble. - I'm listening.

If I don't have five grand by next week

the gangster from Montebello gonna nail my brown butt to the grille of his Seville.

Five grand, huh?

Ponies kicked my ass, man.

Motherfucker came to the house today.

And gave you a shave.

Right.

I didn't know you had a problem with gambling, Juan.

Hey, what do you think, I'm gonna be Chauffeur of The Month for the rest of my life?

I got ambition, man.

I just need a little stake.

Get me some land.

Something that's mine, ya know?

Ever try hustling?

Frank, give me a break, man.

I'm serious.

Got some rich, lonely people out there.

Lots of horny society ladies

businessmen looking for company.

Businessmen?

What do I look like, a midnight cowboy?

Hey, I got connections.

- I can set it up for ya. - Hey, man, be constructive.

This guy June-Bug ain't fucking around.

Ugh.

Nice work if you could get it.

Hell, I used to hustle.

Oh yeah?

On Rodeo Drive?

Hey, being a houseman ain't my life.

I'm a painter, man.

I wrote a novel, I worked the circus.

Shit, I know how to fly a fucking helicopter.

You know, I've had more virgins than you've had crabs.

Whatever you say, Frank.

But I could never make it with a dude.

Yeah, well, psychologists say that you can break old patterns

by doing something new 21 days in a row.

You know, my husband was intimidated by my brain.

Oh, they shit on us for years and we get addicted to the humiliation.

But if he was to ask you to marry him again, you would, wouldn't you?

No way, I am over Dr. Howard Saravian.

We are doomed unless we break the cycle of need.

I read in a magazine that you can break an old pattern

by doing something new 21 days in a row.

50, man, I finally had her, she was screaming.

- No shit. - I thought she was a virgin.

- I was only 13, what did I know? - Was it messy?

Blood everywhere, hey, you sure she don't mind you driving her car?

It's my job, I drive her fucking car.

It's cool.

That was my first time.

Babysitters took a lot of cherries in that neighborhood.

- What about you? - I was just a kid.

I was on a bus to Texas.

The bus is half-empty, cold.

This couple gets on, rowdy, married, white trash but smart, you know?

He falls asleep, she puts her hand on me.

Fishes it out.

No shit.

Starts humming like she's darning a sock.

- And the husband's sleeping? - So I thought.

But he... he's looking at it from the corner of his eye like some crazed Catskill comic,

and barn, he's down there looking to choke.

Wait a minute, the dude is giving you head?

What's a poor boy to do?

Gertrude Stein was right, "A mouth is a mouth is a mouth."

Then what?

They teach you all kinds of weird sex tricks?

Hm.

Taught me how to eat the fox, how to cum while looking at certain ferns and plants,

how to prolong orgasm by self-strangulation.

Oh, yeah?

Hey, that's how Lipkin died, huh?

You know, I should've never told him about that.

Would you believe that I was a virgin when I got married?

Well, so was I, according to my publicist.

What was Howard like in bed?

He was a diamond cutter.

It's been nine months since we're separated and I feel like a virgin again.

- I haven't let anyone touch me. - You're kidding.

All the men that I'm attracted to either turn out to be gay or they want to take over.

I don't think you're setting your sights low enough.

You're not gonna sell me the servants again, are you?

Well, why the hell not?

I mean, they may not know shit about black-tie galas,

Jack Russell Terriers, and semen facials

but they do know about us.

Hey, you seen that waitress at the Casa de Cheesecake?

Smalltime, com pad re.

You should set your sights higher.

You're right.

You ever seen the hostess?

Ever sleep with someone you work for?

Rich bitches getting it off with the help?

In movies maybe or cartoons in Playboy.

- You don't think they want it? - From us?

When they got all that rich cock? Give me a break.

We're soft, they're hard, they work, they eat, they fuck.

And their women respect that.

Keep the scores standing at rigid attention,

step out of line and pop.

- Good kick. - Yeah, they do abuse their women, don't they?

Sweetheart, more and more I think that abuse is a strictly Californian concept.

I mean, they've been getting it since they were nine years old

in schools in Switzerland, private jets, underwater.

- Underwater? - You better believe it,

in fucking Tahiti or wherever.

Women walk around with special vibrating balls up their snatches.

They use dwarfs for dildos, man.

They piss on each other, they have orgies with dead bodies.

There is something very D.H. Lawrence about Juan.

Something dark and Aztec, that one could never know.

- And you know what? - What?

- He'd suck your box until your nose bled. - Oh!

Open it up.

Did you steal this from the divorcée?

It's my mad money, about five thousand there, should be enough to get you out of hock.

Damn.

What's this all about?

Come upstairs, I got a proposition I wanna make you.

Okay, let me get this straight.

We go for each other's bosses?

You go for my divorcée, I go for your widow.

And whoever wets his wick wins?

With proof of course.

You might say that proof will be in the pudding.

- What if we both get lucky? - We draw.

The same if no one scores.

Give me $100 so I know you're not bullshitting.

Fair enough.

We have a deal?

All right.

You better check those Ben Franklins out good, 'cause soon they're gonna be growing little wings

all white and fleecy, bye-bye, they're gonna say.

Bye-bye, Frankie.

Hey, wait a minute.

I ain't got no five grand.

I know.

So what do you want if I lose?

Get to know you better.

Um, how many times?

Just once.

This is for sure some twisted shit.

Frank, what are you doing here?

What do you want?

You know what I want.

- Well, I was just looking for a glass of milk. - Mm-hm.

You've been screwing me with your eyes for two years, haven't you?

Frank.

Frank.

What if someone should see?

Who, Sidney?

He never saw you, he never knew anything about you.

And chocolate won't fix it, Clare.

You won't tell Mo, will you?

Look at you, you're like a little girl.

Don't tell Mo, don't tell Daddy,

don't touch me here.

Don't touch me there.

Don't do this.

Don't do that.

Let me take care of that sweet tooth for you, Clare.

- Oh, Frank. - Mm-hm.

Clare.

Frank, you go that way.

Frank, what is it, what are you doing here?

These perverse gentlemen have made a slanderous assertion.

- Are you Mrs. Saravian? - I'm Mrs. Saravian... Mrs. Hepburn-Saravian.

We're divorced.

Come in officers, come in.

We found him urinating into the tank of a motorcycle parked next door.

You pissed in my Harley?

Keep him away from me, he'll cornhole anything that's half-sloshed.

Oh, don't flatter yourself, Howard.

- Everything okay, Mrs. Lipkin? - Yes.

Will you be quiet, you're gonna wake Willie!

- Willie, how is he? - Juan, would you take Dr. Saravian

up to the green room or something?

Oh, no.

Sorry to have troubled you. Goodnight, Mrs. Saravian.

It's Hepburn-Saravian. Goodnight.

Did I miss the funeral?

Oh, I'm sure we could arrange something impromptu, Howard.

Willie. My son, Willie!

Willie!

I didn't mean anything.

Christ.

It's the Santa Anas, I hate myself.

Oh, sweetheart, come on, let me take care of you.

- I don't deserve to be let in this house. - Someone stop him!

Well, I adore it.

I have my very own Christo.

So where's the good Dr. Van De Kamp this morning?

Oh, they're talking to him about some big Hunger Project.

There's a rumor they might be exposing Mo's clinic on 20 Minutes or whatever the hell it is.

I like 60 Minutes, I've never watched 20 Minutes, is it new?

That woman from the magazine she called, she wants to come tomorrow, is it okay?

Yes, Rosa, thank you. Tell her we expect her for brunch.

I am diving back into the goldfish bowl with a vengeance

and the public can stare till their eyeballs drop out.

If they keep me well-fed.

Clare, are you out there?

- Where the hell is everybody? - We're out here, Howard.

What is he doing here?

As of half an hour ago, some really soulful puking.

- Is that your husband? - Yes.

- I'm missing my soaps. - Morning, everyone.

Christ, I'm sick.

- Clare, do you keep any suppositories? - Mm, absolutely, in the refrigerator.

- That's it, come here, come here. - Peter.

You think you can make my sister's life a living hell and waltz back in like Ozzie and Harriet, huh?

- Down boys, down. - Peter.

I can waltz in like Ozzie or I can waltz in like Harriet,

but I can't waltz in like Ozzie and Harriet, it's just too taxing.

- Come on, come on! - Peter, this is my house and you will behave.

Howard, how are you feeling?

- So sad about us. - Eighteen years, Lis.

He walks out on you after 18 years for something he meets at a pap smear party

and now he's nostalgic?!

Peter, I can take care of myself.

Now, go in the house.

Peter?

I like watching your brother get mad.

I can always tell what kind of a play he's working on.

I love the soaps.

I get all torn up.

I just made the switch from hard lenses to soft lenses.

It's a motherfucker... I mean, it's difficult on the eyes.

I like things that are easy on the eyes.

You're pretty easy on the eyes.

That's what they called me in Philly, Philadelphia.

Nice and easy.

'Cause of my disposition.

- I knew a girl looked just like you. - Really?

I wrote a poem about her.

You wanna hear it?

Hey, chocolate mama.

She's got a stomach like a Hershey snare drum.

She's got an ass like a nasty heart beating on the other side.

Like a dark globe of every place a man could want to go.

Oh, how you talk.

- You actually saw it? - Yes, at La MaMa, it was wonder...

- Damn. - What?

My cap or my crown I... Shit, I think I've swallowed it.

- It's stuck in my throat. - Uh-oh.

- Would you mind looking? - Yeah, yeah.

I don't see anything.

I'll open up more.

Oh, wait I see something, I'm not sure what it is, it's way down there.

- Oh. - Might be my future.

- Oh! - Where's mom?

Oh, she's outside with your daddy.

Oh, boy, I gotta try and find To-Bel, we were gonna do some shopping today, excuse me.

Have you seen your daddy?

I just wish he'd go away and leave us alone.

Sweetheart, the door's locked.

- Shit. - Wait a minute, babe.

Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives.

Sweetheart?

- The door's locked. - Wait a minute, honey.

Here I am.

- What are you doing in here? - Just watching my soaps.

- You love your soaps, don't you? - Mm-hm.

Mm.

That's a funny taste.

Uh, sweetheart, I want to see Rodeo Drive today, I really do,

and I really think that we should check into a hotel.

No, no, I, um... I want to be here for my sister.

And I don't want to insult her friend.

Hey, everything's gonna be fine, okay?

You know, we'll go shopping, we'll come home.

I don't like parties for dead people.

We'll sneak upstairs, we'll fool around.

How long has it been, four hours?

Goddamn winds have the whole world on the rag.

Oh, looks who's here, Bojangles, you remember Uncle Peter and Aunt To-Bel.

Dr. Mo, how are things with the Hunger Project?

Well, do you know Ralph Ebersol, the game show host?

Well, he's a client at my clinic and he's top dog in Hunger.

People don't like to talk about it, you know, but there's a lot of money in Hunger.

Anyway, they want my expertise but they're playing games.

Oh, sweetheart, would you wait for me a minute?

- I want to get an apple. - Yeah, baby.

I understand you've gotten some pretty bad press.

We've had a string of... that is, a handful of deaths at the clinic.

Unpleasant coverage in the media.

Look, I don't care who you talk to, when you get a bunch of rich, fat people

who are determined to get thin at any price, some of them are going to die.

It's just a rule of thumb.

Mrs. Lipkin said there'd be some suppositories in here.

Why don't you try heating up some nice corn-on-the-cob

- and shoving that up your ass. - To-Bel.

Nobody walks on To-Bel, nobody.

How did you find me?

Now isn't that typical?

I married your wife's brother, now how's that for fucking real.

Don't you get between me and Lis.

What you and I had was beautiful but it's over.

A thing ain't over till you can kick the dead body and it don't fart.

I'll do anything you say, I'll give you money...

For two hours I sat in that damn honky-tonk Honolulu bar,

waiting for you to come back from the head.

Everyone thought I was a hooker.

Well, you just hold on tight, Doctor, because what goes around comes around.

Now you get out of my goddamn way, I'm going to get me some Louis Vuitton.

And I want you to run down to Felters and pick me up some new duds

- and rent me a car, will you? - Yes, sir.

- I don't know where I left the last one. - I'll take care of it.

One more thing, I want you to talk to Mrs. Saravian, Lis.

- Okay. - The two of you are close.

I've gotta have her back, Frank, I know she needs me.

You can help her to see that.

In the joint, Cupid was my middle name, Doctor.

Really?

You and me, we're a lot alike.

We see something we want, we go for it.

- Oh, yeah. - I mean, the shoe could easily be on the other foot.

You could be worth $14 million and I could be hustling for peanuts.

We're from different stratagems of society.

You're caviar, I'm fast food.

But I want to cross over, like Rubén Blades.

- Cross over? - I'm not looking for a relationship.

That takes time and I know for you time is money, I respect that.

Look, my wallet, it can't buy me no stocks and bonds.

But my hands are Cadillac Coupe deVilles.

My body is a Rolls-Royce Corniche.

Hey, that was a good one, huh?

I oughta be at the comedy store, huh, Mrs. Hepburn-Saravian?

May I talk to you for a second?

- It's about Dr. Saravian. - Ugh.

You're gonna be a hit with the ladies, Tito.

Just wait till you get a little older.

I'm not gonna get any older, can't you understand?

It's getting worse.

I had a funny dream last night.

Stained my underpants.

Oh, man, that was a wet dream.

Ain't you ever heard of jacking off?

Well, sure, but its bad for you, isn't it?

I've been doing it six or seven times a day for years and look at me.

I don't know, Juan, I'm so confused.

I think I'm in love with Zandra.

I tell you what I'm going to do for you, Tito.

I know a little something about love.

I'm going to loan you some righteous video tapes.

Very inspirational.

Frank?

I'm dressing, what are you doing here?

They always ask that.

Frank, I'm trying to get ready.

Ugh, Clare, Clare, Clare, the first time I saw you, you were wearing Valentino.

But you looked so hurt.

Frank, your timing is off.

I'm not the bogeyman, Clare.

Come on, it's my husband's wake.

- I have to get ready. - Sure.

Yes.

- Gotta look good for Sidney. - Mm-hm.

Oh, come on, Frank.

- Sidney? - Clare.

Why can't you leave me alone?

I want to have my own life now.

- With who, the help? - Oh.

Really, darling, I don't think you're setting your sights high enough.

- Bastard! - Why did I ever listen to that strutting little prick?

Strangling yourself during ejaculation.

Oh, well, it sounded like fun at the time and I was bored.

- You're an insane little ghost. - I'm not the bogeyman, Clare.

You're not gonna bully me, you're not gonna bully me, I'm not gonna let you!

I love the way the light pours in this room.

Jesus, Zandra isn't home yet.

Isn't she supposed to be here for the wake?

- Shut up! - And that ridiculous little playwright,

- am I supposed to feel threatened? - Shut up, shut up!

How dare you talk to me that way, you little shit.

Get out of here and leave me alone, ugh!

I have changed, Clare, just give it some time!

Give me 21 days in a row.

Son of a bitch!

Eat shit, Casper!

Ah!

♪ A cigarette that bears a lipstick's traces. ♪

♪ An airline ticket to romantic places. ♪

♪ And still my heart has wings. ♪

As a matter of fact I have, it's a three-act called Nocturnal Admissions.

It's ornery, sophomoric, unmannered as hell and frankly, the best thing I've ever written.

You know he'd call the office three, four times a day.

Whenever the phone rings, I still keep thinking it's Sidney.

Clare, it went very fast, he can't have felt any pain.

He loved you so, you were his world, yet he was so tormented

and now he's happy, he's free.

So sad.

I want to see him again.

Just once before they take him away.

Is that legal for the body to still be here?

Do you think this means that I'm gonna die soon?

Willie, you are going to live a long time.

Bojangles always used to go ahead of me and scout stuff out.

God's got us all playing fetch, doesn't he, Clare?

Oh!

You loved him too, didn't you, Rosa?

Bojangles in arms of Quetzalcoatl now.

He bark.

Bojangles vomit diamonds.

Kukulkan makes big, hot, beautiful turds.

Together, they fight the jaguar,

the monkey, and the evil Jesus.

June-Bug, please, I'm in the middle of serving up fondue.

- These people are gonna throw a shit-fit if it's cold. - You're a very funny guy.

Look, I said I'd have it, okay?

- Motherfucker. - Woo.

You had the divorcée farting in her pantyhose she was laughing so hard.

It's part of my plan, I'm establishing a rapport.

Hey, how's it going with the widow?

- She's freaked out about the dog. - Yeah?

Well, maybe if you crap on the rug, she'll get in the mood.

Well, that's funny, Juan, that's funny.

I must say, Peter, it's ragged, uneven, pretentious, even preposterous.

In other words, you've finally written something that will sell.

Are you trying to be clever or does your boozy brain just yap, yap, yap old party tapes?

Why don't you spit it out, you quack?

I was trying to pay you a compliment.

I was talking about the castration scene from your new play, Nocturnal Admissions.

- Who told you about that? - I read it.

No one reads my plays before they're ready.

No one, no one!

- Mr. Hepburn, withdraw yourself, sir, please. - Show some respect, Peter.

- This is a wake not a preview. - Howard, stop fucking with him!

Well, wonderful, go ahead, ruin the wake, kill yourselves, have fun.

The man has no morals, Clare, I'm sorry.

He's a moral psychopath!

Excuse me.

Ugh!

Rosa, could you serve the dessert now, please?

Clare, please forgive me.

- Oh, Peter, come and tell me all about yourself. - Ugh.

Been working day and night on this play and I think it's wonderful.

My, you look lovely this evening, Ms. Bel.

Why, thank you, Dr. Van De Kamp.

You know, I don't think I've had a chance to tell you how much I admire your husband's work.

Oh, my baby's a genius.

He gonna make us lots of money.

Oh, no, I don't think so.

Your husband is a genius but his kind of genius doesn't sell.

Not in this town, anyway.

I respect Peter Hepburn, I respect his vision, I respect his courage

to continue to do the kind of work he knows will never bring him the big money.

But, uh, we live so well.

He spends and he knows Shirley MacLaine.

The money is just the last scraps of a niggardly inheritance.

His mother was a suspicious woman, she left them what I call a distrust fund.

As for his famous friends, well, let's just say, playwrights make good pets

and God knows, Peter's nearly housebroken by now.

Say, do you think he might introduce me to Shirley MacLaine?

Why, Charlie Rader, I know it.

They had great heart, 12 egg omelets and Krugerrands and fever chills and silk pajamas

and the whole goddamn sheer, gorgeous, hopeless wonderment of...

Shit, I can't remember the rest.

Little Shylock was my first produced play, it ran six performances.

New York Times said, "Look out, world, a major poet is slouching towards Shubert Alley."

How did you ever find it?

In an anthology.

Beautiful Losers, Volume 3.

Christ, what a reading you gave.

Bernadette never sounded so regal.

Would you... would you read a scene from my new play?

I'd love to.

Come here, I'll read it with you.

- Please, no. - Let me go on.

I'm gonna act like a real man for once.

— And hack it off at the root. - You'd do that for me?

Don't you see?

It's these that have driven us apart.

These petty dictators swathed in cheap leather.

Greedy little monsters in an ugly wrinkled purse

that have kept me from the kingdom of monogamy!

I'm begging you, put down the knife!

Juan, you know how to knock, don't you?

I'm sorry, I thought that...

Well, instead of thinking, why don't you go down to the kitchen

and wrap some Brussels sprouts in bacon or something.

Yes, Mrs. Lipkin.

The night approacheth.

My seed I wilt stab in thy gentle-alia.

Sooth, soon I am thy fiancé no more.

Promise that you will obey my ever lustful command, my lady.

Oh, Master, I am your bride.

I promise that... oh.

What is it, Grimalda?

My lady, what troublest thou on this joyous day?

I've withheld pleasures from my master till he doth said he wouldst be connubially mine.

And now his passion's inflamed, yet I am unprepared.

For I am a virgin.

- Oh. - Aunt To-Bel?

Wee child, I pray you.

Let me do you right.

Suppositories, Frank, that's what I recommend.

- I use them myself... - Hi, guys.

- Where's Mom? - You're late.

I know.

She's pissed.

I couldn't help it, PCH is closed.

Malibu's on fire.

You look beautiful.

Oh, ooh.

Ooh, yeah.

Willie?

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Willie?

Ooh, ooh.

Come in!

What are you doing?

Watching your mom's Hillary pilot.

Just what Mo sent me to get.

Wait, don't take that, I'm not done.

You are now.

I know what you were doing.

You're gonna grow hair on your palms and go blind.

The steroids are gonna do that anyway.

Willie, you need to get a girlfriend before you turn into a pervert.

You mean like Frank?

- Yes, I hear he wraps you entirely in protein. - Really?

- Mm-hm. - What's your name?

Persephone Cohen.

Would you like to know something truly amazing?

I've got your name tattooed on my ass.

- My whole name? - Mm-hm.

Howard... excuse me.

Howard, we've gotta talk.

Yes. Excuse me.

Thank you.

Say, that was pretty good.

Your new play?

- I thought it was for real. - Thank you, Juan.

Hope the critics are as appreciative.

Yeah. But what it's about, don't it freak out the ladies?

Cuttin' them off themselves? Shit.

I mean, he's trying to get her into bed, ain't he?

It's all in the writing, Juan, it's poetry.

Hell, when a woman goes down on you, half the time she's going down on what you say.

Frank told you what?

Now, don't be angry.

He said that you talked in your sleep the night the policeman brought you home.

Have you really been impotent since you left me?

I will have him fired.

Now I demand that you fire him.

No, Frank was worried.

He's kind and he's decent and he's only got other people's interests at heart.

Now, about this woman that you left me for...

Oh, I never touched her.

I mean, I touched her, she touched me,

but that was all, nothing happened.

I'm so ashamed.

I know what I have to do now.

What do you mean?

I'm going to check into the Mouette Chandalle Suite at the Wilshire

with all the surgical equipment I need and I'll simply remove them.

Remove them?

I heard about a man who took out his own appendix,

so why not just hack them off at the root?

Your balls?

My balls!

I have no balls, Lis.

All I have is a set of fat, petty dictators sewn up in cheap leather.

Howard, I am really worried about you.

A couple of greedy monsters dangling in a smarmy woman's purse,

the kind you buy at Q Mart.

Monogamy was my kingdom, and they have exiled me.

Oh, poor baby.

Would you really do that for me?

Give us another chance, Lis.

Don't let it die, not without a fight.

Okay.

Come to me.

Tonight, after midnight.

Attenzione, attenzione, ladies and gentlemen, we have a special treat for you tonight.

By popular demand and in honor of the impending revival of her series,

we are presenting tonight, for one showing only,

the original pilot of Hillary.

Bravo!

- You do have the tape? - Uh-huh.

- Mo, do we have to? - You gotta give the people what they want, honey.

That's showbiz, Mom.

Mo, you are evil.

Lights!

She's a wonderful comedienne, and terribly underrated.

- I love you. - Howard, shh.

Sweetheart? Excuse me.

The night approacheth.

My seed I wilt stab in thy gentle-alia.

This doesn't look like episodic.

What is this, Mo?

I think I saw this on Eighth Avenue once.

I am your bride.

I promise it all.

Shit.

Ooh!

Oh, what happened?

Turn it back on!

Juan, go and do something about this.

- Yes. - Light some candles.

What we need is some more...

Aunt To-Bel.

I thought you might not want anyone to see this.

I thought you were very good, my lady.

You about the only man I can remember that didn't want nothing from me.

I'd like to give you something.

Can you meet your Aunt To-Bel in the pool house around midnight?

- Sure. - Okay.

Oh.

It's me.

Juan, why aren't you fixing the lights?

Mrs. Saravian?

Life is a bull fight.

Yes, and right now it's a very dark bull fight.

So why don't you go back to the house and...

I offer you the balls of the great sad bull, my cojones.

- Your what? - My dictations, they've got leather on them,

but this leather, it's cheap.

- Juan, stop. - Without your love, Mrs. Hepburn-Saravian,

I'm just a sleazy woman's handbag.

My monsters have greed in their, uh, kingdom.

Their kingdom of...

- Monogamy. - Monotony, yes.

Juan, that's very sweet, but you just leave those dictations dangling

in that handbag where they belong.

Now, go and get a tray of pigs in a blanket and circulate.

Okay.

Lis? Where have you been?

I've been looking for you.

Peter's just shown me his new play.

Oh, have you read it?

No, but it seems I've been to a few previews.

He's a wizard.

Strange evening.

You know Howard's a fraud, don't you?

He never talked about you, isn't that funny?

It was you.

Sometimes I'd wake up and he'd just be staring at me.

He used to call me his "dark star."

I like that.

Of course, I knew he was full of shit and that's why we clicked.

And it was just a coincidence that you married my brother Peter?

Just a freaky little act of God.

How do you know I won't tell him everything?

It'll only hurt him.

I care about your brother and he loves me, come rain or come shine.

Why are you telling me this?

Shall I be honest?

Please.

Just the mood I was in.

I love you, Clare.

Clare, don't you love me?

- Well, I... - I knew it, I knew it.

To-Bel and I were never right for each other.

She has no ambition, no life experience.

With To-Bel, what you see is what you get.

Clare, look at me, look at me!

I know it's soon after Sidney and all, but life is for the living.

Help me, help me fight for us!

Life is for the living.

We know better, don't we?

Yes, for the living!

I'll make you so happy.

I'll write you a wonderful play and you're a great actress!

Do you hear that?

He loves the way I act, he loves everything about me.

Of course he does, and I'll shout it to the world,

because he loves you!

I won't let you go, Clare, we're still involved.

Bullshit, it's my time now, and I mean to prove it to you.

- Peter? - Yes?

I need you to stay with me tonight.

Tonight, oh, Clare.

I need to prove my love to you.

- Tonight then. - Yes.

Yeah?

The Señora Saravian, she ask for you to come.

Hey, I don't work for that bitch.

She needs a toilet roll changed, she can get Frank to do it.

Go, Juan.

Fight the jaguar, Tezcatlipoca.

Make him puke like (unintelligible).

Morning Star, Evening Star.

(unintelligible)

Walks with the dog.

Come in, Juan.

You ever heard of Illinger's?

It's a deli, isn't it?

Over there in Studio City?

Whoa, little drunker than I thought.

Could you help me with this?

So, did you cut 'em off yet?

No, ma'am.

Shut the door.

You remind me of an orderly that I knew at Illinger's, the nut house.

He almost got me well.

And not by the usual methods.

What is it, Juan?

A couple of answered prayers never hurt anybody.

Please.

I wanted you, but...

not like this.

Not like what?

My grandma told me there were just two kinds of people in this country:

People who can't feel

and people who feel too much.

Okay, which one am I?

You?

You're like the warm wind you talk about,

blue mountains, Chevrolets,

a wind full of a thousand smells I ain't ever smelled before.

Is this my brother Peter talking?

Or is this something you saw on public television?

No, wait, don't go!

It is you, it really is you.

I'm sorry.

Well, you wanna get your paws full of honey?

Sad, furry bear.

Would you?

It happens to everybody, Willie.

- I feel awful. - Shit, that ain't always the measure of a man.

With what you faced, you more man than most I've been with.

- Really? - Why, sure.

Lots of boys get nervous the first time.

And, if it's any consolation to you,

you're a whole lot better equipped than your daddy.

Now why don't you go on and get some sleep?

To-Bel?

You're the best aunt a boy could have.

Clare?

Oh, Lis.

It's only you, Lis.

Only you, always.

Yes, dear, but I feel so silly.

Juan and I are running a little late,

so would you mind waiting outside?

Or if you like, you could come in and read a book.

You're up bright and early this morning.

Yeah.

Tossed and turned all night.

Mm-hm.

What's this?

Huh?

You screwed her, didn't you?

Screwed who?

Rosa told me she was asking for you.

She couldn't get the lid off her Valium.

Hey, you listening to Rosa, man?

She got a dustpan loose.

So you didn't do Mrs. Hepburn-Saravian.

Hell no.

Did you do the widow?

I'm working on it.

Now, which one is Mrs. Lipkin?

She's at the head of the table in the Hillary wig.

Clare?

- Kelly Margoland. - Oh, Kelly!

Just in time for brunch.

Rosa!

Hello.

Rosa, can you bring another mimosa?

Come and sit down next to me.

I was beginning to think you were just a voice on the phone.

Everyone, this is Kelly.

She's done a piece on me for Lifestyle Magazine.

- Oh, I adore Lifestyle. - Oh, good!

Do tell me about the article.

Is it going to be Whatever Happened to Hillary?

- Mm-hm! - What are all these black flecks everywhere?

They're ashes from the fire.

Oh, my friend Mimi's house burned down.

But they have two others in Malibu, so...

There's supposedly 17 separate fires going.

- Seventeen? - Spread over two or three counties!

The winds are fanning it.

No wonder I couldn't sleep.

The winds breed depression.

I recommend junk food until you're ready to vomit,

then a bracing salt water enema.

Ehecatl, the wind storm of shame,

the wild palms beat the Huehuetl drum of annihilation.

Rosa, would you find us some on?

Can we please stop talking about the fucking wind?

Howard.

Christ, this phony table talk's enough to make anyone an arsonist.

Howard, what is it now?

Last night, I tried to go to bed with my ex-wife.

Howard, don't do this.

There are children here, and press.

I'm not children anymore.

Willie, last night I came to your mother.

Kelly, have you been working for Lifestyle a long time?

- Yes. - And she wouldn't have me,

and I'm grateful, because I'm not worth it.

I've been a terrible husband and, forgive me, a worse father,

and I am simply tired of all the lies.

After brunch, I'll pack my things and go.

Dad, that's what you always do.

Clare, maybe I'd better come back next week.

- No. - Well, if it isn't Saint Howard,

the martyr and self-centered prick.

- I deserve that. - Peter, lighten up.

Go, pack your things.

Your buddy Sidney is having a swing party in Hell.

Bring your own rope!

Sidney Lipkin was my friend, you pretentious, ass-licking poseur.

You're like some sad scum track left behind by God knows what kind of shit-eating parasite.

Um, Clare, maybe I'd better come back, perhaps when a photographer is free?

- No. - Tell her!

Tell your wife that you're in love with Clare!

- You bastard. - You wanna run that by me again?

To-Bel, he's joking.

Howard, are you... Got high on something or what?

Go ahead, Eugene O'Neill, tell her.

It's the moral thing to do.

To... To-Bel, oh, God, it's true.

- Uh-huh. - Peter!

So you're in love with the rerun here.

Well, ain't that a bitch.

The ocelot must kill every day to live.

What?

It isn't true, I mean, I'm not in love with Peter.

Well, maybe.

Well, let me tell you something, hubby clearest.

Aunt To-Bel, tell him about the movie.

Mind your mouth, baby.

A few months ago, your buddy Howard here

did some exploration of certain dark parts of my continent.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I never met this woman before in my life!

The fuck you didn't.

Dr. Doolittle here went so deep into areas unexplored

by your feeble play-writing ass that I got to thinking he was Lewis and Clark.

- You're lying. - Oh, am I now?

Well, let me give you a little something else to think about.

Yesterday, I fucked the houseboy in broad daylight doggy style.

You cheap black whore.

Clare is a real woman, and she likes to wash, too,

- with soap, everywhere! - Your mama!

- Mother, you didn't. - Of course I didn't, sweetheart.

Kelly, let Rosa fix you up a fine little Mayan pancake.

You... you screwed Juan?

The other one, what's his name?

Frank.

It was so degrading, I felt like some fabulous farm animal.

- Oh, spare me. - That's a lie.

Frank wouldn't touch you and he would never treat a woman like that.

Zandra, what's got into you?

Come over here and sit next to your Aunt Lis.

And you! You hypocrite!

I know you humped out what's left of your scattered brains with Juan last night.

How dare you!

- Who told you that? - Oh, go ahead and deny it.

- I saw Juan on the stairs! - Zandra, that's enough.

I was with Mrs. Saravian.

She wouldn't let me touch her, but I was with her all night, wasn't I, Lis?

No! I mean...

Aunt To-Bel told me, compared to my daddy, I was hung like a rhino!

A rhino?

Try to run from Cozcacuauhtli.

Savage vulture, he will pull you into air by your tits.

Oh, God!

Kelly, we'll talk!

Next week is open for me!

There goes my chance at a comeback!

Thank you all very much!

Shit.

Oh!

Clare, I'm sorry!

I didn't mean to start anything!

Howard, it's not that.

It's just that I'm confused.

Over Peter?

Peter, Sidney.

Christ.

You know, I've always had someone in my life.

Always, like a drug!

I was thinking the same thing the other day.

Women, always women.

I'm so tired of this dance.

There's a beauty in being alone, isn't there, Howard?

- Hmm? - Oh, Clare, I've loved you from day one.

Oh, Howard.

Sidney didn't know what he had.

Oh!

I wanna be inside you, now.

Are you insane?

Dr. Saravian?

Is there anything else you'd like me to convey to Mrs. Saravian?

No, Frank.

Just mind your business.

And be careful.

You don't wanna get burned.

You singing about me, Clare?

Well, it might've been at another time.

Weekend's coming to an end.

Frank, they always do.

Hmm.

Should've happened by now.

What am I for you, a science project?

Look, I had a crush on you, that's all.

You're not hurt, are you?

Can you be hurt?

I'm going away, Clare.

- I'm leaving. - When?

Can you be in my room at about four o'clock?

I wanna say goodbye.

Hello, baby, you mad at me?

Come on, now, talk to me, honey.

Oh, God, that's hot.

Is that a (unintelligible)?

Ooh!

Ah!

You humiliated me.

Here I am prime time, and you fucking the rerun.

Tell me I'm looking hot, shit.

I hope you need a transfusion, get you some of that bad Hollywood blood,

serve your sorry ass right.

Ooh.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, God, To-Bel, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Ooh!

Motherfucker, motherfucker!

All right, Dr. Saravian, where'd you hide the goodies?

Mm-hm.

Hm.

Mm-hm.

Bingo.

Sweet dreams, Clare.

Guest house, chico, 4:30.

What's happening at 4:30?

The widow's happening.

She's very happening.

So be there or be queer.

Oh, bleed on me, big warrior!

- Bleed on me! - Ride me.

Ride your sad little private pony straight down into Hell.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Zandra, what's wrong? What is it?

Mo, my life is so dumb.

What have I got to show for it? Nothing!

You're still very young, you've just barely turned 17!

Oh, Mo, I'm a coward!

My idea of taking a risk is losing my birth control pills

or shopping at Saks without a sale!

I wanna live, but I don't know how!

I hate myself!

Would you like another drink, Clare?

Oh, no, I've had enough, Frank.

- So you're leaving us. - Two years.

I got that two-year itch.

Zandra, come with me to Africa.

- What? - I said come, as my assistant on the Hunger Project.

What are you saying?

We'd have to ask your mother's permission, of course.

Oh, she'd say yes, I know she would!

There'll be disease, heat, swollen bellies,

shriveled souls, and a handful of people like us.

We'll come back older, sadder, and wiser,

but we'll have the joy of knowing that we've sacrificed selflessly.

No one could ever take that away from us, ever.

Thank you, Mo.

I feel myself changing already.

I know now my whole life has been in preparation for this journey.

Oh, and Zandra, we'll probably have to share a small tent

for the first six months or so.

I know you won't mind.

Come on, now, just once.

Just once, Clare.

You just want me because you know you can't have me.

I thought you wanted me because I didn't care about you.

That's why you stayed with Sidney.

It's the truth, isn't it?

You owe me.

I owe you nothing, Frank.

There's a line, see?

And you're stepping on it, dangerously close.

Now, what was it you wanted to give me?

The line, the fucking line.

All my life I've been crossing that fucking line.

I'm always amazed when there's nothing on the other side.

I like you, Clare.

I love you.

I always wanted to see what that would feel like to say that to someone,

cross that line.

I knew you wanted me, what this broken boy had.

You can't get it from a rich boy.

What? Do I love you?

How can you ask me that?

I'm sorry, Clare.

I really wish I could've loved you.

You were right about those rich ladies.

You should've stuck around for the show!

I had other things to do, man.

I've never felt so exploited in my life.

It's been a thing she wanted me to do.

- Which brings me back to... - Hold it, Frank.

You're not gonna stand me up, are you, Juan?

There's a reason, man.

For welshing? I don't think so.

We had an agreement.

I slept with her, man, last night.

The divorcée?

I made love to her in her bedroom.

Do I have to spell it out for you?

She wanted me.

She cares for me.

She needs someone in the world for her.

Maybe... maybe I love her.

What's so funny, man?

We did it!

We did it, don't you see?

Our side won.

I wish we never made the stupid bet.

Yeah, well, your dick might give you an argument.

So you're in love with her, eh?

Wait till old Van De Kamp hears about this.

What are you talking about?

I made a side bet with the diet doctor.

A side bet?

Had to cover my ass in case of a draw.

You son of a bitch, what if it gets back to Lisabeth?

She'll think it's a riot!

What is she gonna do, get feelings over it?

Huh?

Let me clue you in on something.

To these rich bitches, life is just one situation comedy.

Frank, I lied.

What?

I lied, okay? I was putting you on.

You're shittin' me.

Hey, I never got close.

Mrs. Hepburn-Saravian's a classy lady.

I was in way over my head.

I don't wanna talk about it, okay?

As for the agreement...

See you at midnight.

Tito?

- Tito, I need those tapes. - Shh.

He sleeps.

He need to sleep the sleep of no dreams.

- Rosa. - I am here.

It's so windy on the pyramid.

- Hi, Juan. - Hi, Tito.

You got a fever?

Why?

You're talking funny.

You know, Juan, for a Chicano, sometimes you act like a super schmuck.

Juan, don't be a crocodile.

- Rosa, I ain't got time. - Cipactli.

You lounge in the sun, create nothing.

The señora, she waits.

She don't know for what.

Make your heart a sword, not a spoon.

Comprendes?

Rosa, I think you should look into disability.

You're burned out as a housekeeper.

Come in.

Juan, what is it?

I wanted to see you, that's all.

Well, here I am.

See Lis pack.

See Lis run. See Lis hide.

And right now, Lis is really tired, so just say what you've gotta say...

Don't treat me like a child.

I don't know what you're talking about.

- And I'm sure Mrs. Lipkin wouldn't... - Don't treat me like a servant either.

Juan, please.

We made good love last night.

Don't you feel anything?

Or is your life one big situation comedy?

Let's just say that it didn't happen.

- It's gonna be better for both of us. - No way.

I thought I was too macho to feel the way you make me feel, but that's bullshit.

I want you, Lis.

You're not making any sense.

I got for you what nobody ever had to give.

- It's impossible. - Lis, I've got desire, I've got honor, I've got heart.

I look in your eyes, and I know you don't wanna be in the cage anymore.

Juan, I don't know what love is.

But maybe I can find out?

Maybe you can save me?

But, Juan, I have to warn you,

I want us to do things, to go places, to live in a life that you can't afford.

I have everything to share, but you're gonna pay with what people think,

the way they look at you, looks that say, "she bought him."

I'm a man.

A look, a whisper, how can these things change a man?

I don't care about anything but being with you, Lis.

- Forever. - No, no, don't say forever.

We'll go one day at...

Goodnight, Lis.

Tomorrow we'll go away.

We'll open all the cages.

What's so funny?

Yeah, I know, you're not laughing at me, you're laughing with me, right?

Can I take your shirt off?

Yeah, go for it.

There we go.

What a trip.

Always wanted a valet.

Hey, what are you doing?

Taking your socks off.

I thought you was gonna knock 'em off.

Nice feet.

Good toes.

Lay down.

On your stomach.

No music, no tequila?

You ain't gonna get no fuckin' second date, that's for sure.

I'm gonna give you a massage.

Oh, you're gonna loosen me up, huh?

This is no fun for me if it's no fun for you, Juan.

You're a thoughtful dude, Frank.

Good hands.

This part ain't so bad.

Hey, you live long enough,

you're bound to do some weird shit.

I'm sorry, Peter, but the simple truth is I have a prior commitment.

I see.

Well, goodbye and thank you for a wonderful weekend.

What about To-Bel?

I guess what she needed all along was a good gynecologist.

Good luck with Hillary.

Good luck with Nocturnal Admissions.

Call me if you need help with the scripts.

It's been my lifelong ambition to sell out to TV.

Oh, shit.

Going somewhere, Pancho?

Who, me?

Now, Clare's going away, too, but I want you over there anyway, with Rosa.

- That's all right, isn't it? - I love you, Mom.

Bye, baby.

Hey, Juan.

Where's my five grand, baby?

Hey, man!

You are rude and impolite.

Now get the fuck out of here before I hack off your petty leather dictations.

Thanks, man.

Forget about it.

I do right by my friends.

Ff lend?

Ff lend.

- So long, dude. - All right.

Hey, don't do anything I wouldn't do.

That don't leave much.

Write me from Antigua!

Remember, they like it underwater!

Juan, where were you last night?

I missed you!

Well, you're never gonna believe this.

- Sidney. - Would you have dinner with me tonight?

I really wanna get to know you again.

- Sidney, I am going away. - Well, I travel light!

- When do we leave? - I am going alone!

And I don't want to see you anymore.

- But I just heard you say to the... - Yes, prior commitment.

Her name is Clare, and she's gonna make one hell of a great new friend, Sidney.

So goodbye.

And good luck on your own journey.

(unintelligible).

Ah, you love me, don't you, Bojangles?

Oh, Sidney, you're so full of shit.