Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

Don Amedeo!

Don Amedeo Calore, a letter for you from Zurich, Switzerland.

Don Amedeo, is Nicola coming or not?

No, he's not. Riches can be a curse.

He's killing himself working.

Who would've ever said that,

five years ago when he left for Switzerland?

What are you saying? I've always known that.

Nicola wasn't your ordinary emigrant.

Even with patches on his ass, he had two balls this big!

It's true, but he created an empire from scratch

and can't stop anymore. But even riches have a limit.

Listen to this.

"Dear brother and all relatives, my life here is hell."

"There's never a moment to breathe."

"Not even a moment to peacefully enjoy my money and my lovely villa."

I wish I had one like this.

- Buy, buy. - Transfer to the Tokyo stock market.

- No, the London one would be better! - Sell.

- Buy. - Sell.

- Buy. - Sell.

- Sell. - Buy.

- Sell. - Buy.

I said to sell. They've gone down 40 points, idiot.

"Dear Amedeo, along with my partner, Herr Schmidt,

an important stockbroker in Switzerland,

we have recently earned over a billion each."

"If he had listened to me, we'd have tripled that,

but Herr Schmidt has a somewhat backward mentality

and is distracted by certain vices."

Listen carefully. Put everything on Ewing Oil. Understand?

I received news... What are you doing?

Of course, Ewing Oil. Sell to Detroit…

Detroit is fundamental. Idiot, think of Concentra.

"Here in Zurich, my friends hold me on a silver platter."

Jackass!

Jawohl!

Did you drop blaster on my head?

Not blaster, but plaster. Blaster is something else.

- Are they calling you? - Jawohl.

Come to work on time tomorrow!

Why do you always shout? Darn it!

Why do you all take it out on me? What did I do to you?

- Are you scared? - No. I've an infallible system.

Swiss-Apulian. Look.

Stay away, devilish wolf.

Go.

Did you see? The paint brush system.

Don't honk. I need to see where I'm going. In fact…

Swiss dogs are real jerks. They chase a paint brush.

A paint brush! Help!

"I have an excellent reputation and I associate with the best in society."

"Everyone chases me, but I don't let myself get caught."

"Love from your brother, Nicola."

VETERINARIAN PROF. RUBEN

Excuse me. Hello to everyone.

It stinks! Always the pigs, sheep, and goats.

I just left the dogs. This car is disgusting.

Next time we'll take the Rolls.

Sure. I want it in grey and with a TV.

Meanwhile, you use the vet's van.

What is it? It's a gas watch.

Some have a quartz one, and I have a gas one. Nice, right?

Nice, right?

- What are you doing? - It's a gas watch.

What do I care? Read here.

"Verboten rauchen." I am not raucous, my voice is fine.

It's bad for your health!

I know, but I only smoke one cigarette a day.

It's bad for the animals. What do I care about you?

I can't stand him when he's like that!

Feeling entitled just because you lent us your shitty car.

Okay, we won't smoke.

- Or the pigs will get a cough. - What did you do?

It's gotten hard. I brought some work home.

That's a good one! I brought some work home!

What's that?

God helps cheerful people. Here we are, zombie.

- Antonia. - What did you do?

My foot fell into some cement, so I had to bring it with me.

- Hi, bunny. - Am I no longer a kitten?

No. You cut your moustache.

- How did it go? - Three packs.

You had a great idea!

You can get rich with contraband cigarettes!

- In Switzerland? - No, in Naples.

But the Swiss will get used to it.

Today the stock market moved billions of francs.

Did you know that Concentra has increased 50 points?

- Yes, but you don't have it. - It's enough to participate.

- Where do you put satisfaction? - Where do you put that?

- Put it on the van, of course! - Let's go.

- You never smile, always pissed off! - You're right, Nicola.

Your brother is a real funeral!

But when I'm loaded with billions up to the tips of my hair…

It's a figure of speech… Then your brother and I will laugh.

Zombie and I.

Nicola! Nicola!

Nicola, my ass! You don't want to become rich or progress.

As long as I can invest in the stock market,

I'll buy Concentra, sell Motor, earn seven or eight billion,

and I'll throw two billion in your face, to spite you.

I don't have a brain in here. I have a safe.

This is it. The first animal is getting off.

I may be an animal, but I will become rich.

- You are, and will remain, a jackass. - Be content with what you have.

I like you the way you are.

I don't, because I know what my value is in here.

- I know. - So…

- When I see you, I feel cheerful! - Let's go, it's late.

- I am on duty in an hour. - I'll miss the stock market news.

- The black market. - The market your mother goes to!

- Go on. - Go back to your grave.

Marquis, good morning.

- Krolle, 1328. - News from the stock market.

- Conrad, 3228. - Fresh stock market news.

Five thousand seven hundred and twenty-one.

- I was just in time. - Concentra, 7827.

Concentra! Concentra!

Concentra! Holy smokes! I knew it!

I don't have a brain in here, I have a safe!

Do you know how much we earned by transferring 40 percent to Concentra?

- Eight billion! - Nicola, fuck off!

You're disgusting. You'll always be a Belgian Congo emigrant.

In the place of your brains, you have clams. Idiots.

Mr. Calore, that's me… Friday 18th.

"Friday 18th."

- When is Friday the 18th? - Tomorrow.

"Your niece Rosina arrives in Zurich Monday the 18th, flight 12:30."

"She'll leave for London on the 19th. Please host her in your villa."

"Kisses. Your brother, Amedeo."

- What villa? - What villa, that is the problem.

Why am I living? I'll kill myself. It's just a moment.

Rather than lose face in town, I'll lose my life.

They'll have a funeral for me in Switzerland. It's better if I die.

As a dead man, I may seem rich, but who can I fool when alive?

You could've imagined they would have found out.

Why must they come here to bother me?

My plans were perfect. I would've become rich in the stock market

with my head, and would've made a good impression in town.

No! She's coming to Switzerland to break my balls,

that horrible, cursed girl. I can imagine how ugly she is.

Ugly as her mother, with King Kong body hair like my brother.

Why is she coming? I hate hairy and curious children!

- Nicola! Nicola! - No. I will jump. I'll kill myself.

Bye, farewell. Bury me in a beautiful place,

as long as it's not next to your brother.

Sure.

This is not a serious death. The water is even dirty.

- Maybe I'll change my mind. - How lionhearted.

- Bitte, Fräulein… - Oh, Madonna from the Canton of Ticino!

Nico!

Nicola is dead!

- What did you do? - Antonia! Darn you!

ITALY

Why are you doing this?

Thank you.

- You can't do that. - I have to do it.

You can't. The tank is empty.

You think you can distract me from my intent? You don't know me.

When I decide something, I do it. In fact, I will kill myself.

Here we are.

I'll have everybody in the town die with envy.

- I have to leave all this. - Nicola! Nico!

- Where did he go? - I don't know.

- Did you want to kill me? - What are you doing, Nicola?

Hurry. The plane will be here in half an hour.

- I want to die. - Oh, no.

- You need to look rich for a few hours. - It's not difficult.

I'll get you a hotel room.

And I'll get you a table at my restaurant.

I'll take care of the clothes. I'll even give you the fur.

I'll get the vet's car and be at your disposal.

- I'm still going to kill myself. - Oh, no! Wait!

INTERCONTINENTAL - DOMESTIC WESTERN EUROPE - GERMANY - AUSTRIA

Please, sir.

Even if she's a child, she'll notice I'm a poor devil.

She'll believe it. You just need to be rich for a few hours.

You are handsome, thin, attractive. What more do you need to be rich?

- Money. - Don't joke. Go!

- Wait! - Should I go or not?

You must go, but you have to wait. You'll go to the girl empty-handed?

Here, a little present.

Little present? It weighs a ton.

Go! Don't worry. Everything is fine.

Rosina! How she's grown!

Rosina! Your uncle recognized you even from behind.

Bye. This one is too black.

Here you go, thank you.

Sir. It's very urgent. Thank you.

Speak in Italian.

Good. That's better.

She should have arrived with the flight from Italy.

An ugly girl, Italian, hairy, like King Kong.

Her name is Rosina Calore. She's more or less this tall.

Uncle!

Uncle Nicola!

Hi! How are you?

- Rosina? - Yes!

- Calore? - Yes!

- My gosh, how you've grown! - You haven't changed at all.

- I remember you very well. - I remembered you too.

Didn't you sing in the church at Canosa?

- No. That was Angela. - Oh, right! Let's go.

- Let's go. - Did you do embroidery with the nuns?

- No. That was Vincenzina. - Darn, she was Vincenzina.

- With all these saints... - Hey, hey! You!

Just a moment, please.

Don't you know it's forbidden to leave behind objects at the airport?

Yes, yes, thank you, yes.

- Okay. - Is the doll yours?

No, but if you don't agree with them, they get pissed off.

Yes, yes, okay, thank you.

I'll throw it away.

- It was so heavy. As I was saying... - Hey! Hey! You! Over there!

I've already warned you once about your doll.

It's not mine. Why do you want me to have it?

- It's not mine, why are you so obsessed? - Again? So this doll is yours?

Maybe I look like someone who has a small child.

I'll throw it. It's even heavy. There.

I was saying…

See? Even the carts are different here.

Volkswagen makes them.

Hey! You, over there!

- Your bag. - Again? This isn't my doll.

Doll.

- Let's go. - Why is that girl crying?

It's one of the biggest airports in the world.

If you don't speak the language well, as I do, you get confused.

- Arschloch! Blöder Hund! - Sorry.

Thank you.

- Is that your... - Rosina.

- Uncle, where is the car? - This is the car.

- My niece. The suitcases. - Beautiful… The suitcases.

- Yes. - Come, dear. Get closer.

- The suitcases. Hurry! - Yes. What a lovely niece.

- Excuse him. He's a bit confused. - Beautiful. The suitcases.

Yes, right away. The suitcases.

His niece.

He's my employee, a pitiful case.

His niece.

- Your eight-year-old niece, right? - Don't shout. She can hear us.

Be quiet! Darn you.

Scoundrel!

I don't want to go to a hotel, but to the villa with you.

- We can't. - Why not?

I'm having some work done there because they made a mistake.

The architects, surveyors, hand laborers.

I'll have to spend 300 or 400 million again.

My gosh! Then let's drive past it and you can show it to me.

We'll drive past it, so you can see it.

- Yes, let's go. - Le chaffeur, à la villa.

- What villa? - Schmidt's villa.

Everything is Schmidt here. I could torture him.

Here's the villa. Let's go now.

- Let me see. - It's a villa like any other.

- No, please. - The workers will pounce on us.

- But we are here. - It's nothing extraordinary.

It costs one billion, 800 million. Listen, put it in fourth gear.

He doesn't understand. He's obtuse.

Did the little girl arrive?

Here, dear. This is the hotel.

- I'll show you the hall now. - What is it, Uncle?

You go ahead. I'll give this porter a tip.

Darn it, on my foot.

- Scoundrel. - Excuse me.

I can explain.

My brother has six daughters. It's easy to make a mistake.

- Go through there. - Yes, this one is electric.

You have to hit your head twice before entering?

I told Hans to change the glass door, but he didn’t.

Who is Hans?

The hotel owner. I lent him a million francs, bless him.

But maybe I'll buy it.

- Stop it! - I don't know how.

It's stuck! It's stuck!

May I help you?

I am Mr. Nicola Calore. I reserved an apartment.

- Yes, 225-226. Please. - Thank you.

- Please. - If you don't give me the key...

- The porter will take it. - The por...

- Did you see how beautiful she is? - Be quiet!

- Want to drink something? Come in. - Yes.

A whiskey to celebrate that we're close relatives.

- Don't you dare. - Maybe we'd better not.

- Say goodbye. - See you later.

- See you. - Bye.

- You used our savings for this! - Stop it!

Who are you making an ass of with this niece thing?

- I swear she is my niece. - It's not true. I'll call Antonia.

Don't call her. You'd do that to me? Is this our friendship?

I saw you arrive here as a child, I saw you grow up. Well…

I'm marrying your sister who isn't a great beauty. She's particular.

- Please, give me a hand. - I'll go call anyway.

- Really? - Yes!

Give her the fur back. I'll send the letters and photos.

Please.

I'll break your neck! You must help me!

- Yes, all right. - You can get anything by being calm.

You didn't scare me. I'm doing this for Antonia.

Watch out for the fur. I paid for it too.

- Don't shout, please. - Uncle, I'm ready.

The German language has 870 dialects and I know them all.

- Do you have a light? - No, I don't smoke.

- I said it in the Zurich dialect. - Calore?

Yes. I was just…

You didn't come to the villa today. The work isn't finished!

Of course, he knows that. He is the owner.

Of course, I know about the works. I know everything!

Dankeschön.

I'm sorry. He's a worker. Go to the bar. I'll join you.

Sorry. Love, order what you want, even French champagne.

She's my niece. If she finds out about me, they'll spit in my face

because I'm poor.

- I didn't understand a thing. - So, all the better.

I'll do all the work you want tomorrow, okay?

I'll work with plaster, with cement, whatever you want.

Dankeschön. Auf Wiedersehen. Say hello to your wife. Goodbye.

The Swiss labor is really... It's impossible to deal with them.

- The workers have no respect! - It's incredible.

It's the same with us. And they cost so much.

Workers don't earn very much. They get paid nothing.

Does 25,000 lira seem like a small amount?

Twenty-five thousand lira a day,

with a room and board, if you buy something...

- No. An hour. - Just imagine by the hour!

No. I meant 25,000 lira each hour.

Each hour?

Twenty-five thousand lira.

Six, seven hours. Three hundred thousand lira a day?

- Is there a lot of work in our area? - Yes. And you can't find good workers.

They're hard to find.

I was thinking that if it doesn't work out in Switzerland.

Are you kidding me? With your billions?

I sometimes forget I have billions.

- A hundred francs, sir. - Shit!

A hundred. You see? It's always money!

- Here. Thank you. - A hundred francs a person.

That didn't seem like much.

Two hundred. Keep everything. The evening's off to a good start.

Here he is.

- I've waited two hours for you. - I had to...

He makes five million francs a month.

They are your dogs, sir. I had to take them with me.

Yes, they're my dogs and they have to come.

But if they are yours, why are they growling at you?

Why are they growling at me?

Why?

Because this morning I hit one and he has a swollen face.

They're always nervous, but they are good dogs. Right?

- Yes, with their master. - Anyway, I'm getting in the front

because they don't know me.

She gets in the front. They know me so they will…

How do I get out?

Look at them! They must have been trained

in some strange German language. I still can't communicate.

This is a beautiful restaurant, where they hold conventions

for bankers, financiers.

Go to the table Giacomo reserved.

- I don't understand. - Go to the table Giacomo reserved.

Giacomo is a financier who waits for me every day.

Giacomo! He's not here today. Auf Wiedersehen.

Enjoy your meal.

- Hi. - Follow me to table number three.

- I won't have you pay the bill. - Since you may think that...

- Come, Rosina. - She's not Rosina.

- It's lovely here, isn't it? - It is.

I almost own it. I already have five restaurants.

Here, for the lovely little girl.

- Uncle. - If you'd let me talk earlier.

Now, I can't. He's a poor devil. I helped him.

- Please, sit down. - But…

Here we are.

- That's a chair for children. - Yes, but it's a characteristic

of these Swiss locals, because we rich people are childish.

This table is reserved for a little girl.

I told you.

Well…

- If you change tables, you must pay. - How much?

- One thousand francs. - One thousand? I'd rather stay here.

- Since I have narrow hips... - It's not possible.

- What's the difference? Let's go. - There's a difference. It's 1,000...

Come on. It's nice there too.

- Uncle, did you see the prices? - Yes.

The prices you're paying tonight, a worker could live on those for a year!

- Let's say a year and four months. - It's amazing.

- Have you decided? - We're looking at...

Rosina... Excuse me. The cuisine is very heavy here.

- Choose light things. - Really?

- Germans eat a lot and then... - Thank you, sir.

- Now we can definitely… - What have you decided?

Right, I'd like…

One hundred and seventy-five. It's bad for your liver.

One hundred and ninety. Even worse. This is light. Thirty francs.

- This one. - That is the table charge.

It's a joke I play every evening and they always fall for it.

He is new. He didn't know it.

Then give me a…

- That is the service. - Service and table is a joke.

- Order anything. I'll be right back. - Where are you going?

Guten Tig. Guten Tag.

- Antonia. - Did he arrive?

Dankeschön.

Excuse me. Who are they?

He's a ship builder. He owes me two billion. I have to smile.

Skål.

Uncle, be careful! Look at what you did.

Thanks. I ordered escargot for you too. Do you like them?

- Escargot? - Yes.

- Sure. It's kind of like a snack. - Good, right?

They're actually quite tough.

No. What are you doing? Stop it! You're crazy!

- Do you always joke? - No. It's…

Here are your tongs.

I'm not a perv.

I have to…

You see? She is crazy. A nymphomaniac!

When she sees me, she gives me her bra and panties,

just so can avoid paying the two billion. Physical beauty doesn't matter,

but riches do. And I am very rich.

- So are we. - You too?

We, too, became rich, but not like you.

It's difficult to be rich like me. Maybe I'm the only one.

Before leaving, you sold off that land to Dad for half a million.

It was necessary to come and get rich in Switzerland.

Yes. And my grandparents' home.

After the tourist boom, Dad sold it to a construction company…

for 800 million.

- What is it? - Eight hundred...

- Eight hundred million. The whole package. - Excuse me. I'll do it.

- You're serving? - I like serving mashed potatoes.

- On the escargots? That's disgusting! - It's a local specialty, gigolo escargots.

- Don't dump it. It's not cement! - Sorry. I'll be right there.

- Uncle! - Wait.

He's not here.

Pino.

- Idiot! What did you do? - Excuse me.

- A mess happened. - What?

Rosina almost caught on. Antonia arrived.

Go get Rosina and bring her here. Are the dogs there?

No, but there's...

- It's okay. You always waste time. - I warned you.

I am safe.

What a day.

What is this smell? There must be a cat.

There's always something disgusting here. Air.

It's not a cat. It's a lion.

- Thanks. It was very memorable. - Really memorable.

Why did you have a fierce lion in your car?

I gave a donation of five billion to the zoo.

- And they organized a surprise for me. - What a mess.

- Warn me at least. It scratches. - Come have a drink with me.

Yes, maybe a whiskey. I'd better not. See you tomorrow. Bye.

- See you tomorrow. Good luck. - You can say that again!

- What happened to you? - If you only knew.

I went in the car and found a lion.

It scratched my nose and I have blood down my back.

- The fur? - Who cares about the fur!

The fur is safe! He thinks of the fur!

I almost died. The lion ripped off half my ass.

Now, I must go on with a mutilated rear end.

Mr. Meyer, please come to the Information Desk.

Mr. Meyer, please come to the Information Desk.

Sorry if I don't accompany you inside the airport,

but the manager of Swiss Airlines wants to sell me planes.

I have work to complete and a jumbo jet that costs five billion.

Wow! Don't bother. I caused you so much trouble.

- I don't know how to thank you. - Don't thank me.

- Come and see me whenever you want. - Really?

But let me know first.

Don't just surprise me, I'm always traveling for business.

And say hello to Amedeo, that scoundrel father of yours.

Tell him he's a delinquent and a son of a bitch.

- Uncle! - In a nice way, of course.

- Goodbye, dear. - Goodbye and thanks. Yes, bye.

- The airport is big. Don't get lost. - Sure.

- Bye. - Bye.

Pino, to the villa! I am late!

Thank you.

Excuse me.

I'm Calore, the painter, Mr. Schmidt. No answer.

Here they are, Concentra. Thirty-seven points darn it!

You need some intelligence.

Who is it? Darn!

Mr. Schmidt, you scared me. What happened?

What happened? What happened?

Excuse me. What can I do? Where are the scissors?

Over there? Come. I'll take care of it.

Let's worry about the scissors first, then the thieves. Where are the scissors?

- Here they are. - Is anyone home?

Are you waiting for someone?

She is my niece, Rosina. She took a plane, but has returned.

The thieves stole everything. I can't thank you enough.

My niece, Rosina!

My niece Rosina! What a mess!

Come over there, and I'll tell you.

If my niece finds out I'm not Schmidt...

I'll explain later. Rosina thinks I am rich.

Do you have a suit for…

Can you hear me with this tape on your ears?

Because I…

- Excuse me. I need a suit to wear! - My moustache!

Here I am. I'm coming.

Who is it? All this commotion for a suit?

It's disgusting, a fag's suit. Go there and don't make noise.

- Hi, Uncle. It's me. Surprise. - A nice surprise.

- Will you open? - No.

- The door, Uncle. Open. - I don't have a key. I can't hear.

- The door! - It's not open.

It's not open.

- Was it open? - Will you let me in or not?

Of course, come in. The whole villa is a mess.

I was doing some work that I haven't managed to complete.

- I am doing naïf paintings. - You paint dressed like this?

- Yes. Weren't you meant to be on a plane? - Yes, but I am still here.

At the hotel, they told me you weren't there.

So, I thought you'd come back here.

- I did the right thing, didn't I? - Yes, you did.

Oh, darn it.

They stole everything. Money, ticket, purse, passport.

- I am very nervous. - You're telling me!

What scoundrels! And then they talk about Italians!

- What'll I do? - What'll I do?

I won't leave.

- There you go! - I'll stay with you. Are you happy?

Very happy. We'll have fun!

If I return to Oxford a few days later, nobody will die.

No, he might. That's my fear. I put the tape here.

He is German, half-naked and...

I know you are very busy, but I won't bother you.

All I need is a tiny room.

- For example, this one. - No. That is a closet room.

Come here. It's bigger and much more comfortable.

- Here. - Uncle! Not this small!

I wanted to play a joke on you!

- I need to talk to you, Rosina. - This home is decorated with taste.

- It's well organized. - You're always running around.

- You can tell it's your home. - Rosina, let me talk!

I must tell you something important!

I am not the person you think I am!

- I know. I realized it right away. - Good. You're taking a burden off...

- You're not the usual billionaire. - Holy Mary!

If you were the same as all the others, I'd have slept in a hotel.

- Where do you sleep? - Here.

Oh, God! You always want to joke!

I'm a funny guy. I make things up.

- The oven bell? - No, the door.

It's over anyway. No, don't open it! It's for me!

It's for me. I'll open.

- Who are you? - I'm Inge, the new nurse.

Over here.

It's 10:30 a.m.

- I have a sort of ulcer... - Be quiet!

Excuse me. I've a suspicion.

Are you Jewish?

- Are you Jewish? - No, I'm from Puglia.

- What did he say? - He's Italian.

Italian? Why don't you have a black moustache?

- I don't have one. - Why don't you have a mandolin?

- Where is his mandolin? - Who is she? What does she want?

- Did you do a poo today? - What do you care?

You need to poo! Then I'll give you a big enema.

- Wait! - Don't run away, Italian coward!

- Where are you running, cowardly Italian! - Wait!

Don't be a clown.

- It's just a needle. - Someone is at the door. I'll go.

- I'm not here for anyone. - Why don't you have a mandolin?

- What is your name? - Nicola.

- Nicola Schmidt? - Yes, Schmidt Nicola.

Is Nicola Schmidt is a typical name in Southern Italy?

- Is everyone in Bari called Schmidt? - Almost.

Nicola Schmidt from Bari. Why didn't you bring the mandolin?

Is the legend true about men in Bari and in the south

always wanting to make love with German women?

You are very active sexually. Are you like that?

- I don't understand. - You're looking at me lustfully.

I'll go get an injection to have this libido go away!

He's resting?

Calore!

Calore! Loafer!

Jawohl!

What are you doing?

I am working. I've been here since 8:00 this morning.

Go on. I'll take care of it. She filled me with holes.

Clown!

Where is my Italian clown?

Who are you?

How dare you come here? Where is Mr. Schmidt?

- Where is Mr. Schmidt? - It's me.

You're the clown? I'll rip...

Clown, what soft skin you have. Let me feel.

How strange. What lovely skin! Clown, I want to tell you my story.

I had a very well-mannered husband, very handsome.

A German doctor. During the Munich carnival, he dressed like a woman

and ran away with a Black boy and never returned.

What do you want from me? Leave me alone.

Why don't we eat spaghetti together and then with the mandolin…

- Let me sleep here just once. - Go away, please.

- I must work. - Do you want to do it just once?

- No. - Don't you like German women?

- Oh, please. - You don't like German women.

- You want this as a souvenir? - I don't want anything!

No eating spaghetti, mandolin with a black moustache? All right.

You're wrong because I am not an authoritative woman.

I am as faithful as a dog, and I cook too.

Clown, one last thing.

Why don't you show me your mandolin just once?

- Mr. Schmidt, I forgot… - Uncle!

Just a moment. I'm coming!

Please, Fräulein.

Yes? Electronic? Buy. One million dollars. No. Two million dollars?

Five million dollars? Everything?

Schmidt, I understood fuck all.

My moustache!

Du bist total verrückt! Du bist total verrückt!

- Du bist total verrückt! - Jawohl!

- Uncle! - Yes? Jawohl! Just a moment!

- Uncle, where are you? - Don't make any noise.

Are you in the studio? I wanted to say...

- Yes, oui, buy, buy! - Are you okay?

- Are you sure? - Perfectly fine.

How are you dressed?

I told you, I am painting.

- With that hat on your head? - Hat? Excuse me.

This brings me good luck. There's billions of dollars in here.

So, I always wear it. Hello?

Yes, hello?

- He wants a Mr. Schmidt. - He's dead. He's my partner. Yes, yes.

- Yes, yes. Buy, buy! - Someone is out there.

- No, it's the radio. - No, someone is here.

- Buy. Two million dollars. Three million. - Someone is here.

- Yes! Jawohl! Buy. - Someone's here.

Calore! Leave, please. We'll see each other later.

- Yes, buy! My name is Calore. - Someone is moaning out there.

Four billion pounds? Let's make it five billion! Yes, jawohl!

Hold still!

Buy! Concentra!

Four, five, 20 million! What do we care?

Anyway, buy. Calore. I can't hear. Hello?

CA, as in carnival, LO as in lobster,

RE as in reptile. Calore!

- Excuse me, who are you? - I am his niece, and you?

I am his secretary. Is he upstairs?

Yes, he's on the phone.

Oui, yes, jawohl, buy!

Five million dollars. Fifteen million.

- Who are you? - We'll buy everything.

- Who are you? - What?

- Who are you? - I am Schmidt's secretary.

- Where is Herr Schmidt? - He was here a minute ago.

Where are you going? Wait, secretary!

I just remembered that Mr. Schmidt is in the garden.

It's flamenco rock, bullfighter. Go on!

- Everything is all right now. - What happened?

You're here! Who did it?

Who did it? Oh, he can't hear.

My moustache.

You are a scoundrel. You ruined my moustache.

You sold everything. I'm ruined.

On the contrary, we finally got rid of all the Concentra shares.

- A profit of one billion in two hours. - Honestly?

Look, a certain Chelore bought them all for three billion.

- Chelore? - No, Calore.

Calore.

Who is the jackass that lost three billion?

- Three billion? - Three billion.

A jackass who lost three billion with Concentra!

Calore lost three billion with Concentra!

Perfect. The Paris stock market, Mr. Chelore.

Chelore? Calore! That famous jackass.

"Concentra, dear Rosina, as I'd foreseen in my mind,

tripled their value."

"So, instead of losing three billion, I earned nine."

"Now, I am filthy rich. Kisses. Uncle Nicola."

Jawohl!

Just a moment. Bye.

It's busy. I can't hear. What are you up to?

You always create confusion. Hello?

Jawohl!

Dankeschön. Post scriptum.

I've become so rich that I hired Schmidt as a secretary

and all my friends are helping me.

And I married Antonia.

Even if she isn't an outstanding beauty, where there is taste, there is no loss.

I got everything from the rich.

Habits, commodities, and unfortunately all their vices.

All of them. All except for one.

TOBACCO SHOP

- Do you have Corriere della Sera? - No. It'll be here any minute.

Every morning, the same story?

Here it is.

Still looking for the letter to the director?

Here. They won't publish it. You've been waiting a year and a half.

Here it is! They published it!

"Letter to the director."

"Illustrious, respectable, esteemed, honorable engineer,

director of directors,

I am an honest and humble citizen who was never active in politics."

"Some believe that I belong to the dreary silent majority…"

WORK IN PROGRESS FALLING MATERIALS

"…that refuses awareness. But this time, esteemed director,

I overcame my resigned absenteeism

to give my opinion on one of the most disquieting problems

of our meritorious social and political system."

"The problem of spending leisure time."

"I had complete trust in the organization of vacation villages."

"What a mistake I made."

COME. WAITING FOR YOU AT TROPICAL DREAM

"I shouldn't have trusted the means of propaganda contrary to morals

that, for years, our governing class taught us."

"But I was very happy

on that December morning of last year, when I left."

- Good morning. - What day is it?

- What day? December 4th. - Then we can play.

What is he saying?

"I had given an appointment to my colleague in front of my home."

"He had convinced me to follow him in that tragic adventure."

"The industrial engineer, Guido Colzi."

"Unfortunately, he was a renowned latecomer."

- Have you been waiting long? - No, but it's chilly here.

Where is he?

- Why do we always go with mine? - It's smaller,

uses less gas, and is easier to park at the airport.

All right. I'll go close the garage door.

You won't be humiliated if I ask you to clean the window?

- Give me your scarf. - What?

- Sure, of course. - All right, I'll give you the scarf.

It's the only one I have.

- Don't worry and close. - All right.

I'll close. It's the only new scarf I had.

- Where is Via Bellotti Bon, please? - Bellotti Bon?

DEPARTURES

Excuse me. Can we park with all the…

Of course. Let's go, or we'll be late.

I'll go take care of…

I can see that you will have a terrible plane accident.

- Ten thousand lira. - Terrible?

Here. Very kind of you, very kind.

Couldn't we catch a train?

- What is going on? - The plane is only nine hours late.

Keep calm. There's nothing to worry about.

CHECK-IN AREA

- It's mine. I saw it first! - No, the cart is mine!

Excuse me.

- Go away! - What are you doing here?

Excuse me.

- Do you have the tickets? - You had them.

- Not me, you. - No. I am first.

No, I am.

We had smartly chosen a charter flight…

CHARTER FLIGHT

…that at half price, offered almost the same treatment

as a regular airline flight.

In fact, they had us leave from the most elegant airport area,

behind the bathrooms.

With us, a group of fearsome Alpini.

Halt!

Let's not shamefully race for window seats as usual!

Let's behave properly!

Three hundred meters of wild galloping.

And then, the catastrophe.

The plane was a terrifying 1915 Savoia Marchetti in oilcloth,

that had nosedived 12 times in the last two world wars,

and now rejected with horror by every company in the world.

Will you hurry? We need to fucking leave!

- Let's go. Hurry! - Don't push!

Don't push.

Slowly, damn it. Everything will break!

- Everything will break? - What did she say?

The lady is kindly giving us notice that the plane is old,

- and should be used with a certain... - Come on, ass face!

Come on, jerk! I don't have time to waste!

- Easy, but I was there first. - Easy.

ALARM ONLY ACTIVATE IN CASE OF A FIRE

WATER - WINE - COFFEE - COCA COLA

Shit, you need to hurry! Sit that ass down!

Easy! Stop! Damn it!

Behave!

FASTEN YOUR SEATBELTS

"Fasten your seatbelts."

SMOKING PROHIBITED

- It's just some smoke. - The captain.

Megaphone.

Testing megaphone.

Check, check.

It works. Good day, ladies and gentlemen.

I am Captain Tombstone with my crew.

I welcome you aboard our flight, heading to God knows where.

We'll be rising at an altitude of 60, 70 meters,

and traveling at a speed of 64, 67 kilometers per hour.

Arrival is expected, if all goes well…

If all goes well?

Damn it! What the hell? Screw it all!

Here. Don't worry. Calm and cool. Tombstone is no fool.

Hammer.

Hammer!

Excuse me, miss. Is there something wrong?

Don't bust my balls, jackass!

She said not to ask questions.

Few hits of a hammer and this breaks.

Who cares? It's just a charter.

Captain, what is going on?

What's happening?

- The batteries are dead. - What have we got to do with it?

Everyone out.

On the seventh attempt, the old Dakota decided to take off.

HOW TO FLY AN AIRPLANE

Here.

Here!

- Is there meals on board? - Yes. Sunflower seeds or lupins?

- These. - Holy shit!

What is going on?

Is it slanting to one side?

Calm and cool, calm and cool, Tombstone is no fool.

We are slightly leaning towards the right.

We should change position. Just a moment.

- How much do you weigh? - One hundred and thirty kilos.

- And you? - Seventy.

Then I think you need to exchange seats. Exchange seats.

Come on. Keep calm.

Over here. Holy Mary.

Just this much.

- All right. - Bravo, Captain!

Very good!

Everyone close your eyes and pray.

And hold your hands as a sign of peace.

All the best.

If you want to smoke, do so.

- If it has to happen, it will. - What?

- It must not happen. - It must not happen, Captain.

Sit still! Sit still!

Let's sing, "That Bouquet of Flowers."

We'll do it with a boom and a jump.

Keep still. Attention!

That bouquet of flowers

That comes from the mountains

That bouquet of flowers That comes from the mountains

That bouquet of flowers That comes from the mountains

Take care not to get it wet

Because I want to give it away

Wow!

We must close the hole.

- Maybe a newspaper. - That's perfect.

A daily, a monthly, a weekly…

- What's the difference? A paper. - Same thing? A daily?

- Do you have a daily? - No.

- Do you have a daily? - I don't know.

- Do you have Corriere dello Sport? - Yes, but it's today's.

It's today's.

- So what? Excuse me. - Yes, so what?

- All right, if you insist. Here. - Here.

- "Giuseppe Saronni…" - What are you doing?

- I didn't read the news. - But we need to cover the hole.

- Yes, all right. Yes. - I'll look behind you.

- Thank you. - I've got your back.

Easy.

- Easy, easy. - Hurry up.

That's it.

- Easy. - There.

The captain.

The captain.

Cross your arms.

Testing microphone. One, two, three.

It's Captain Tombstone again, here with some flight information.

On your right, you can see…

You shouldn't all get up! You're doing it on purpose!

On your right is for them. You, on your left, right?

We will fly over Palermo for about seven, eight hours.

On your right you will notice the road to Mount Pellegrino.

On your left, the road for Agrigento.

And right below us, the highway for hell!

- He fell in the hole! - Cover it with more papers.

Cover with more papers. Come on!

- Go see who's piloting the plane. - Why don't you go?

- No, you go. - All right, I'll go.

I'll go see.

Get back to your seat, jerk, or I'll bust your head!

I was verifying...

Did you see? She fell…

Who cares? I'm going now.

Do you want to go?

Is anyone here?

I'd like to ask…

Nobody is here.

I wanted to ask…

Goodbye. I said goodbye to the second pilot.

The radio operator...

Mr. Colzi, I'd like to tell you something.

I want to express a strange sensation.

What sensation?

Colzi, you obviously have some flight qualifications, right?

- Me? - Sailing, at least?

- No. - Great!

- Why? - The pilot's cockpit is empty.

That's nonsense.

Come see. Just a moment. The captain wants to see us.

Wait. Keep seated. What are we going to do?

What is going on?

We should call for help with the radio on board.

It must be somewhere. Touch something.

- Touch what? You touch. - No. Don't say that.

All right, I'll touch something. I'll make an attempt at something.

I don't remember where I put it.

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe, catch a tiger by the toe.

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe, the radio on board must be here.

- We need a parachute. - A parachute. There's one!

Here it is! There's a parachute.

But we are 40. We are 40. What will we do?

- What will we do? - Well… there's enough for two.

- Maybe we are landing. - We broke the sound barrier.

- Here they are! - Maybe they know.

- Everything is all right, yeah? - Perfect?

- Yes, right? - Everything is fine.

- What is it? - Everything is fine.

- Good. - Good.

- Why do you have a parachute? - A parachute?

- Oh, no. That's a hunchback. - It's a parachute.

- He says it isn't. - There's the hole.

- What hole? - There's the hole.

There's a hole in front of you.

Dear engineer, that was the only fortunate situation during the trip,

because we landed on the roof of the bus

headed to the vacation village, the notorious Tropical Dream.

- We were lucky. - Yes, but we risk getting dusty.

Oh, no. Feel that fine tropical air. Breathe.

This breeze comes from the desert.

- Where are we? - We are…

This is it.

There's a silence that I don't like.

I'm afraid.

Stop! Enough dancing! Where are you looking? I'm here.

- Here! - Oh, he's there.

You received the local welcome.

Did you like it? Now there's the tropical cocktail welcome

that will be served in the area on your left. Go!

Let's go.

Halt! Stop!

I have been informed that the cocktail was moved

to the palm grove on your right.

Run! We are late. Halt!

New instructions.

The cocktail will be served in the bungalow beyond the pool.

Step on it!

Where are you going?

Someone in the group always does what he wants.

- Me? - Are you Italian?

- Yes. - You are all the same.

All with a black moustache.

You eat spaghetti.

- And play the mandolin. - No.

You say one thing and do another. But you must behave here. Got that?

- Join the others. - But I don't have a mandolin.

Go!

Raus!

Here. Would you like some?

No. This cocktail is strong, very dangerous.

Look.

- A bit strong. - Yes, but it's quite good.

Very funny.

- See? - Excuse me.

Excuse me, I need to drink all of this!

It was the renowned and feared torriente de fuego.

A quarter gin, a quarter rum,

a tablespoon of cayenne pepper, paprika,

African piri, nitroglycerine, a short fuse, salt and pepper.

How's it going?

- Did you freshen up? - It was a bit... It was strong.

It was a cocktail. They make strong ones in these places.

What are you doing with my binoculars? Give them to me.

- They were a gift. - I was just taking a look.

No. You'll wear them out. You look with such violence.

- You're looking too much. - I was looking at the women.

- It's a beach... - There she is! It's her!

The woman in the poster that says, "I'm waiting for you".

- Where? - There.

I'll just…

- The binoculars! - The binoculars!

Here they are! Here they are!

I pulled them out. I pulled them out.

You found them. Thank goodness!

- Hallelujah! - Thank goodness.

- Thank goodness. - Thank goodness.

Here are the binoculars.

Did you notice that gentleman?

He is German.

Listen. Maybe…

let's go. Come this way. Nonchalantly.

Miss, welcome.

Excuse me. At times I can't hold back.

I toasted. My glass clinked and broke the glass.

- Are you talking to the mannequin? - What?

- It's a mannequin? It's a mannequin. - It's plastic. See?

- It's plastic. - Move away.

- I'll put this… - Let's go.

It's the German.

Friends, friends, let's all run to the friendship totem

for the assigning of the bungalow key.

To facilitate communication among the guests,

distribution of the housing is entrusted to chance.

Each key has a string, the Ariadne string.

If you follow the string,

you'll reach your bungalow and the companion

that destiny assigned to you. Good luck!

Good day.

- I've arrived. - Me too.

The tree is here and I'll join this lovely flat mate.

This lovely…

Now, I will join.

But it continues? It continues. It continues.

TENNIS - BEACH - STABLES - CHURCH PROTESTANT CHURCH

It's plastic.

In the name of the Father…

Italy.

Moustache. Mandolin.

I feel like throwing up.

What a nice ass!

How dare you!

- Who are you? What do you want? - He put his hands on me.

I'll put my hands on you if you don't leave right away.

I thought the rear end was plastic.

- Just leave. - Excuse me.

- Such people! Peeping Toms. - I am humiliated, miss.

I want to believe you.

I thought you were made of plastic.

Anyway, I am very happy that you are flesh and blood.

Here. It passed under here.

Excuse me.

It's Ariadne's string.

IMPORTANT WARNING DANGER - COCONUTS FALLING

"Danger of falling…

coconuts."

The key. Oh, the string.

It's inside.

Do you have any after-sun lotion, please?

- It's over there. - No!

- Yes, it's there. - No!

- What did you do? - I fell asleep in the sun.

- Put that on. - This?

- Yes. - Should I drink it?

- No, rub it on. - Rub it on.

- A little. - Yes.

- You'll feel better. - Good.

The sun peeked out today

and caught me by surprise.

- What are these two? - Hammocks.

- Yes? - Yes.

It didn't say that in the brochure.

- It said, "single beds". - No, it said "hammocks".

They seem to be precarious.

No, I tried them. It's very easy.

- They don't seem too safe. - You want to see?

They make me a bit nervous. How do you do it?

- Attention! - How do you do it?

- One, two and three! - One, two and three.

And good night.

-Good night. Good night -Yes.

I'll do it too. One…

Was it written in the brochure?

One, two, three. Good night!

You're being a clown now?

Yes. I think I lost the pace at "good night".

- Get back on. - Hang on.

I'm not too fond of this sort of bed.

- Pull up the other leg too. - The other one too?

We must face it with much respect.

So, don't worry. I put my leg up...

Are you joking?

Why do you always complain?

It's just a little sunburn. I don't understand.

I even gave you my after-sun lotion.

What did you do? Finish it?

What the heck? You'll never change.

I hope it did you good. It's miraculous.

Yes, it did me a lot of good.

I must say it did me a lot of good.

I'll just use another drop. I need to remember the brand.

Come on, don't make me wait.

No. There's a warning. It's dangerous.

All right. What an invention!

I can see. I can't see.

- I can see. - You can see?

Now, I can't see.

I can see wonderfully now. It's really lovely.

- What are you doing? Sitting down? - I felt a bit dizzy.

- It's the impact of the tropics. - Let's go, it's getting late.

- Give me a hand. - Come on, let's go.

- Where are you going? - I'm going…

- It's better here. It's faster. - But why?

- This way. - If you say so.

What are you doing now?

Getting a tan? Why not get one later at the beach?

Good day. Do you want something to drink?

- Why don't you take a swim? - No! I already took a swim.

- Can you swim? - No, absolutely not.

- But you must learn. Come. - No…

- I'll show you how it's done. - Leave me alone.

Let go of this hand! Don't be afraid. Come with me.

- Go. - Give me a hand. Calm down.

- Don't make her beg you. - Don't be so contracted.

- Relax. - That's it. Take this swim.

- See, you don't need to be afraid! - I know, but I don't feel safe.

- Relax. Now, let's go slowly forward. - I'm trying.

- Here. What are you doing? - Leave me. I'll swim here.

- Let go of this slide. - I prefer it here.

- I'll hold you up by your chin. - I don't feel comfortable.

- Stretch out your legs. - I don't feel safe.

Very well. See how you float? It's not dangerous.

- You see? - Claudia, how's he doing?

- What? No! - How's he doing?

What are you doing? What are you doing?

- Come here. - Leave me outside.

- No, breathe. - I want to be buried here.

The fishing contest is open. Have a good time, friends.

A big fish. I caught one!

- Fifty shillings is too much. - Come on, 40.

- It's still too much. - Twenty-five.

- How much? - Ten.

- Are you sure? All right. - Yes.

Here's ten shillings.

This is good with only oil and lemon.

Thank you for buying me. Here I am again.

I don't have any more schillings.

The Gestapo, the management wishes you an enjoyable lunch.

Raus!

Let's go.

Sorry. I didn't have time to put my shoes on.

You wear them all year round. You want to wear them here too?

- Let's go or they'll eat everything! - The asphalt seems a bit hot.

There's an abundance of food. Don't crowd the table.

Behave with civility, as always.

The noon buffet, dear illustrious, respectful director,

is one of the most disquieting and savage moments of the day.

Every human, civil, and religious right is trampled on.

What manners!

- This is amazing! - This is mine!

What cannibals!

Thank you. I was left without food.

- I'm hungry. How did you manage? - Black market.

- Did you have to pay? - Come down.

Is it a monkey?

No. He's a jackass from Faenza

who took my ham. Come down.

You'll eat the bread. I want the ham.

- Did you see these Faenza people? - Keep your hands down!

- Give me some sauerkraut. - You can forget it.

Don't you feel a strange atmosphere here?

- Let's go over there. - Are you sure it's not...

- See how they tear the stuff? - Sit here.

Here. What did you buy?

- Two artichokes, two onions. - What is that?

Ham, salami, and cheese. Great. We'll eat well today!

I've the sensation that it's not that safe here anymore.

Careful. Be calm and cautious.

The beer. Look. It's very safe here.

Away from any risk. The beer…

Wait a minute. Excuse me.

But my plate is gone.

It's a tragedy. I don't understand.

This game aims to develop your pectoral muscles.

It is a ball full of sand that weighs 7,950 kilos.

You have to throw it with both hands and slightly bend your knees.

It is very heavy so be careful. Come on!

All right!

Mine! On the head! Me too!

I practically have two stumps. You close, please.

- What did you do? - Listen.

They signed me up for tug of war.

- I did. - You? How kind of you.

- Does it hurt? - Yes. I lost feeling in my hands.

- Put on some after-sun lotion. - No! It had a strange effect on me.

Look here. The famous safe hammock.

- Does it talk? - No.

- What is it? - You can throw yourself on top.

- No! I prefer... - You must try it now.

- I feel better. - This took me two hours! Go on!

Throw yourself on top of it and it won't tip over.

- Guaranteed? - Yes. Give me your hand.

- Come on. - No. Are we ready?

I'll count to three and then you jump.

- Wait. Shall we put some lotion? - Oh, no.

- One. - I'm not prepared.

- One. - Start again.

- One. - One, two...

- Three. - Where are you going?

- To take a walk. - Stop it.

I lost a lot of time. From there to here.

- From there to here. - From there to here. Enough. Ready!

I'm determined. Steady.

- One. - Like a Viking hero.

- One. - One, two.

- Four. - No.

- One, two, three. - One, two, three. Go!

- Good night. - Good night.

I will sleep here.

- Shall we go for a swim? - Yes, let's go.

- Will you take a picture of me? - It must be wonderful today.

- Can I come too? - No swimming today.

- You can't float in this sea. - The ball?

Wait. I'll kick it!

Oh God, what did you do?

This is how the rhyme and pot game is played.

You must find an object in one of the pots

that rhymes with the name of a city that I will give.

Now, we must find an object that rhymes with Antwerp.

Then you choose a pot.

You hit it and see if there's an object rhyming with Antwerp.

- Antwerp? - Antwerp.

- What could it be? - Antwerp. That one!

You'll choose the first one? All right.

- Come on! - Antwerp.

Come on!

Very good! A t-shirt!

You won and can get your prize. My compliments.

Now, we must find an object that rhymes with Louisville!

- Me! - You want to try? Here's the rod.

Choose the pot. Think it over. There are four left.

Let's see if you are lucky. Which one have you chosen?

- This one. - The second.

An object that rhymes with Louisville.

Anvil.

I won!

Who wants to try?

- Me! - No, I'll go.

Fabulous.

Very good. Excellent.

Who else?

- No, me! Excuse me. I'll do it. - Please, calm down.

See? I brought my equipment from Italy.

- Yes, try it. - Right.

How is it?

- Come on. - Yes, just a moment.

- Excuse me. It's the procedure. - Please.

Just a moment.

- My back… - What is it? You're hurt?

- My back. - Then try again.

Easy.

Have pity. Have pity.

Help me.

What is it?

Excuse me. It's a false pregnancy.

Let me go and see my gynecologist. Goodbye.

No, the diving board goes to the big pool.

- We are tired and thirsty. - Leave it here. Let's go drink.

It's her. It's Claudia.

I would risk everything for that woman.

- What do you want to do? - A royal archangel dive.

- Do you know how? - No.

How will you do it?

I will pray that the Madonna of Loreto will protect me.

- Don't do it. - I'll do it.

- I'll do it. - Don't do it.

- Let me do it. - Don't do it!

- It could be dangerous. - I know. I'll do it.

- Don't do it. - Let me do it.

- Don't do it. - I'll do it.

Mother of sorrow, have pity on my fears.

- Look at me! - What are you doing? It's shallow!

Only the strongest survived that tragic week.

Thirty-seven fell on the battlefield, among which was Raggi, age 49.

He leaves behind a heartbroken fiancée.

Ladies and gentlemen, stop. Your attention, please.

I have a big surprise for you.

We're going to hold a raffle, and the lucky winner

will win another week's stay!

- Who gives a darn! - What are you doing? Come back!

Who is going to participate in the raffle if you leave? Where are you going?

All of them left.

- Sir, are you happy? - About what?

You won another week in this dream village.

Me? Here? Have pity, just a moment.

- Come on! - Get him!

- Stop him! - Where are you going?

Stop! Stop!

I was forced to escape out at sea.

And now, from this raft,

I am writing this letter with the last drops of blood,

in the hope, in case of survival,

to see it soon published in your powerful paper.

So that under the pressure of your influential paper,

your illuminated party will have

the plague and indecency of these golden hells come to an end.

I entrust this letter to a bottle.

As always, my humble regards.

And for fear of retaliation, I won't sign with my name,

but will just be an anonymous citizen who opened his eyes.