Original subtitles

Hi, Al Bundy here.

I got any income tax refund and I wanna blow it all.

How much for a subscription to Hot New Boats?

Gee, that's a little steep.

You gonna have an issue of "Hot New Hooters?"

Hello?

You know, Al, I know how you could spend that refund.

I saw this nice bonbon maker on the Home Shopping Network.

It would make my life a lot easier.

Peg, if your life was any easier you'd be in an urn in the garage.

You know, you're gonna change your tune

when my homemade bonbons go national.

I've even got a slogan.

"Put A Wanker In Your Mouth."

No offence, but I wanted to use my maiden name.

Should use your mother's maiden name.

"Put An Entire Side of Beef In Your Mouth."

All right, Al, now close your eyes.

I want you to tell me which one of these bonbons you like better.

Now, I'm not gonna tell you which one is mine.

-Not bad. -Okay.

Now...

this one.

So, what do you think?

Well, it's...

got a lot of tang.

Well, it should. I used a whole jar of it.

All right now, Al. Tell me what you think, and be honest.

Don't quit your day couch, Peg.

You suck.

I'm gonna go find Marcie. Get a woman's opinion.

Why, does she know one?

Hey, Al.

-Look, I really need to talk to... -Hey, Jefferson, come here a minute.

I want you to try one of my homemade bonbons.

-Okay. -Okay.

Where is it?

In this meteorite?

Fruity.

Light. It's the most delicious thing--

Peg's gone.

-What's new? -Oh, Al, you gotta help me.

I have done something terrible.

I know. I was at the wedding.

Not that.

You know how Marcie's always saying I'm irresponsible with money?

You mean because you haven't had a job in three years.

Just because I'm a house-husband doesn't mean I don't work.

Excuse me, Mr. Jefferson, I have ironed your socks.

May I please have my five minutes for lunch now?

No.

Thank you.

Oh, I'm in real trouble, Al.

See, I wanted to prove to Marcie that I was good with money.

So when her $2000 tax refund came in, I took it and I invested it.

In what?

Clothes.

Look, Al, I've only got a couple of hundred left.

I need a good solid 15-to-1 shot.

Well, it's a 15-to-1 shot...

the next time I'm having sex Peg will ruin it by walking in on me.

No, not good enough. I need a sure bet.

Well, it's a sure bet that this time next year,

Marcie will be a member of the Hair Club For Men.

Forget it. I'll just ask somebody

who knows more about money than a shoe salesman.

Yo! Paper boy.

Dad, I gotta ask you a question.

Because we get horny and don't have the sense to say no.

No. Not that question, Dad.

Well, that's the only one I have an answer to, Son.

Dad, why is life so unfair?

I mean, I go to college and get good grades.

-Yes, you do, Son. -I'm certainly good looking.

Yet some imbecile football player, with the I.Q. of Buck,

gets girls, while I get nothing.

The secret of attracting the opposite sex is in the mutual sniffing of butt.

Bud, let me tell you something.

I was once that imbecile.

I was once that football player.

And if it makes you feel any better, I am what becomes of them.

They have jobs like mine, houses like mine and children like mine.

I am your revenge.

So you'd trade places with me?

Are you kidding?

Well, I'm gonna get ready.

Chad's gonna be here in a few minutes to get tutored.

The pig says, "Oink."

Today is biology.

Thank you, ladies. Thank you, ladies.

It's time for my lesson now, but I'll be walking home in an hour.

Don't you hate women hanging all over you everywhere you go?

Good thing we're at our sexual peak, hey, buddy?

Sure is.

Chad Dowling.

-Tremaine's All-Star quarterback. -Yes, sir.

Pleasure to meet you, son.

Al Bundy.

I hope you don't mind me calling you "son."

No offence...

-Bud. -Bud. Yeah.

I'm sure my son here has told you all about me.

Al Bundy. Polk High. Four touchdowns, one game.

Actually, he told me more about his real father.

The green beret who got lost in that recon mission over in Nam.

Yeah, well, his real mother, the late Totie Fields, took that hard.

Took that real hard.

Well, come on. Let's sit down, son. Let's talk a little football.

Excuse me, Dad.

You know, Mr. Bundy, if you're such a fan,

you ought to come to our homecoming game this weekend.

We're playing our traditional rival, the Sonora Screaming Desert Tortoises.

Hey, I hear they're tough this year.

-We got a lot of work... -You ought to be there.

-We're gonna kill them. -You're that good, huh?

No. Probably shouldn't tell you this,

but I just found out their quarterback will be out on academic probation.

Man, if we were allowed to cash in the free cars the alumni gave us and bet,

I'd put the farm on this one.

Especially before the word gets out.

The cow says, "Moo."

What is it, Al?

-Jefferson? -Yeah?

-Look over there. You see that kid? -Yeah.

That's your 15-to-1 shot.

If a cow says, "Moo," does a moose say, "Cow?"

What am I betting, that one day he'll sell shoes?

That's Chad Dowling, Tremaine's All-Star quarterback.

He told me that the quarterback for the opposing team

is out on probation and won't play in the big game on Saturday,

but the best part is...

nobody knows about it yet.

Are you sure about this, Al?

Because if you're not, Marcie's gonna hurt me bad.

Jefferson, do you think

I would bet my $17.34 tax refund if I wasn't sure?

I don't know much, but I know football.

You're right on both counts.

Oh, Al, you're the best friend I've ever had.

I gotta go call my bookie.

Okay, Chad, look, we covered a lot of ground today,

so just go home and get some rest.

Yeah, I'm beat.

It's like when you've had so much sex you can barely...

Just get out, okay?

It was nice to meet you, Mr. Bundy.

And by the way, why didn't you ever play college ball?

Well, that's a long, sad story, Chad.

Excuse us.

It was 20 years ago...

Polk High's big game.

My girlfriend at the time... Well, later became my wife,

but that's another tragic tale...

had this little habit of shouting at me while I was in the game.

Of course, I hated that, so of course, she shouted at me

one time when a 300-pound linebacker

was barreling down on me...

and when I came to, I had two kids and was selling shoes.

-Whoa, tough luck. -Well, but I bounced right back.

I mean, when I'm 65 I'll get the golden shoehorn.

Which I can sharpen and fall onto when I'm 66.

So, what I'm trying to say, son, is learn from my mistakes.

Don't ever let a woman take over your life.

Oh, you don't have to worry about me, Mr. Bundy.

I'm way too young to fall in love.

Hey, Daddy, guess what?

Oh, pumpkin?

Oh, Chad?

Oh, no!

So anyway, Marcie, I just tripled a few of the ingredients.

Well, actually, I tripled the sugar and added a little bit more caffeine.

So tell me, do you think it's too much?

No, I think they're great. Give me more.

I don't care what the scientists say about sugar, they lie. I hate them all.

Al's home. I hate you. Welcome home, Al.

How was your day? I've had a great day.

Haven't got my tax refund. It'll come soon. Gonna be big.

Have you tasted Peggy's bonbons? I wonder what's on TV tonight.

It's Sunday. Oh, no, Carlin's on. Al's home. Hi, Al.

Who put the battery in the Energizer Chicken?

Gee, maybe I made this batch a tad too sweet.

Here, Buck, what do you think?

Peg, have you seen Kelly and Chad?

Yeah. They went to the zoo.

Yeah, but I heard he missed practice today.

-So? -So? Peg, don't you understand?

If Chad doesn't...

You know, it's not gonna be a pretty sight when she crashes.

Or when he does.

I'm gonna kill them. I'm gonna wait until they're asleep, then kill them.

Then I'm gonna eat them. Kill them, eat them, then bury their bones.

I knew this would happen.

Kelly's making it hard for Chad to concentrate on the game.

Relax, Al. They're just a couple of kids in love.

They remind me of us when we were that age.

That's exactly why I have to put a stop to it.

I used to have such pretty hair.

Where, oh, where is my pretty hair?

I'm getting old.

I knew it when I stopped lifting my leg to pee.

My God, I'm peeing right now.

Help me, bonbon lady, please help me.

Oh, come on, Marcie.

Maybe shopping will make you feel better.

Well, it would if my income tax would come.

By the way, do you know that your dog is wetting the floor?

Yeah, but in his defense, at least he wasn't aiming for the toilet.

You know, I feel really good about this biology exam.

I mean, with all this knowledge of animals, maybe I'll be a veteran.

It's not "veteran."

It's "vegetarian."

God, you're smart.

God, you're wonderful.

I have to go upstairs for a minute.

Daddy, will you entertain Chad for me?

Certainly, pumpkin.

-She's beautiful, isn't she? -Yes, she certainly is.

What do you think you're doing, Chad?

You missed football practice today.

There was practice today?

Man, time just stops when I'm with Kelly.

Chad, you do not want Kelly.

From the moment she was conceived she's ruined men's lives.

All men. Swaggart, Bakker, Kennedy...

Kennedy, Kennedy...

Swaggart again.

-Please don't make me relive this. -But, Mr. Bundy...

Kelly is very special to me.

And it's not just a physical thing.

Well, it's mostly physical.

Listen to me, Chad.

You must forget about Kelly and concentrate on the game.

Chad?

Chad?

If I was younger and didn't have a 20-pound bonbon in my belly,

I'd play that game myself.

What game?

-Hi, Chad. -Hi, Kelly.

I missed you so much.

I'll never leave you again.

Oh, except when I have to go to the bathroom.

-Oh, Kelly. -Oh, Chad.

So I'm out $17.34.

So I'll just take it from the register tomorrow.

Al, you're the greatest.

When I told my bookie this inside information,

he bet a hundred grand of his own money.

Even the jukebox guys are in on it.

With their 500 grand, my 200 and your $17.34...

we're gonna make a killing.

You're gonna be a hero, Al.

You're gonna be kibble, Al.

Now, pumpkin, I want you to know that I'm very fond of Chad...

and I know that you're very happy with him,

but I think maybe it's time you started seeing other guys.

Daddy, I do see other guys.

They're everywhere. I see them driving, I see them walking, at the park.

Pumpkin! That's not what Daddy meant.

I meant, I think it's time you started to date other guys.

Daddy, I am mature enough to make my own decisions.

You do anything to stand between me and Chad,

I am gonna hold my breast until I turn blue.

Okay.

Okay, okay.

If Chad is what you want, I will not stand in your way.

I said if Chad is what you want, I will not stand in your way.

Well, glory be...

pumpkin, look, it's your old boyfriend, Stab Wound.

Hey, Stab, well, what are you doing here?

Well, you called, and...

How long has it been, Stab? About five years?

-Three. Good behavior. -Come on in here.

Kelly, you remember Stab Wound, don't you?

Say hello, Kelly.

-Get out. -Okay.

Well, that was 20 bucks well spent.

All right, look, pumpkin, I'm gonna level with you.

At tomorrow's game...

there's gonna be some very powerful men who will not breathe easy...

until Chad wins the game.

Well, maybe if they used both nostrils

they'd breathe easier in the first place.

Pumpkin, do you wanna go trolling in Lake Michigan for your Daddy?

-No. -All right.

Then you have to make sure that Chad's team wins.

Understand? Chad's team has to win.

Gin. I win again.

Yeah, this sure beats the hell out of having sex.

Well, I better get off to the game.

How about a kiss goodbye?

No sugar until after you win the game.

-Right after? -Right after.

Man, I'm gonna smoke that team.

Oh, wait, I almost forgot.

I have a good-luck charm for you. Daddy, is it okay?

-It's fine, pumpkin. -Oh, good. Come on.

Now, wait here. It's a surprise.

I gotta hand it to you, Al.

Now I'm gonna be able to prove to Marcie

that I am financially responsible.

-Where is Marcie? -In jail.

She slapped an IRS agent for not giving her a refund check.

-Okay, here it is. -This is your good-luck charm?

Yeah. His name is Skittles.

And as long as he's near you nothing bad can happen to you.

Here.

Wait...

the pig is my good-luck charm.

That's my evil giraffe, Gonzar!

Chad! Chad!

-Say something, Chad! -I think I broke my arm.

Say something else.

I know I broke my arm.

Al! The bet!

What are we gonna do?

And that's the final score. The Tremaine Jacksons: 56.

The Sonora Screaming Desert Tortoises: 3.

We did it! We did it! I'm rich.

How about that performance from the Windy City Condoms'

player of the game, the quarterback, Chad Dowling?

Chad, come on over here, buddy. Let me talk to you.

Now, you threw for five touchdown passes, you ran for two more.

You set a new collegiate record.

Tell me, what are you gonna do now? -Well...

I'm going to Disneyland.