Original subtitles

Homo! Are you a guy or a chick?

Go to the hairdresser!

Do you know that feeling?

When are you unable to find something to answer?

- Fucking homo. - Yeah!

It happens to me very often...

"Cock heads." That's what I should have said.

HEAVY TRIP

LOTVONEN SLAUGHTERHOUSE

I am a metalhead. And we have a group.

That's Lotvonen.

He's insanely fast. As a guitar player.

His parents own this reindeer slaughterhouse.

He also works here.

Pasi is the smartest guy I know.

He might not be totally normal; he remembers everything.

- Like every song he has heard. - Hi.

- Pasi works in the library. - Do you have Justin Bieber?

We have the largest collection of Scandinavian metal in town.

Excellent choice.

Uruguayan grindcore metal.

Listen to that blast beat.

That's one hell of a beat.

Jynkky is the toughest guy in our band.

He's afraid of nothing.

What? Did he die again?

The dilated pupils are a sign that the brain does not get enough oxygen.

Jynkky!

- Alright? - Yeah. Let's continue.

Jynkky dives into things headfirst.

That's why he's been declared dead twice.

He's so eager to gig abroad.

I'm not so sure about performing.

We've known each other since we were kids.

I guess we were all some kind of outcasts.

This music is our thing.

Other guys can play hockey and drive around chasing pussy.

We play metal.

- Dinner's ready. You coming to eat? - Hell yeah.

We're done rehearsing.

Why do we always have reindeer?

I'll eat yours.

Your playing makes the reindeer suicidal.

- I'll soon be unemployed with your bullshit. - Not funny.

Boys, the meaning of life, is like a clitoris.

You blindly stumble around it, but you will never be sure

- you've found it. - You haven't.

- I've tried! - Quiet! Not in front of the boys.

- It was a good practice! - That's right.

- We're getting there. - The sound was perfect.

It would be awesome to play this cover from Joe Dassin in a real gig.

If we played that, people would be floored.

There is a club in Oulu where they welcome new bands.

- Seriously? - Yeah. What do you say?

I mean, we've been practicing 12 years.

That would be damn cool.

No gigs before we've written our own songs.

- We're not playing covers. - Yeah, we have to write our own songs.

I wonder what it would be like to be onstage playing.

- Morning! - Morning!

I'm happy you provide the residents with entertainment.

Kolehmainen, in Room 9 shit his pants again.

- Again? - Again.

Hurry up before I throw my panties at you.

Better to shit yourself than to be constipated forever.

Certainly

It's his birthday today,

so please go get some flowers when you have time.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

- Hi, Turo. - Good morning.

- You came to buy flowers? - Yeah.

Come on in.

I need some kind of a bouquet.

One of our residents has a birthday today.

- What do you think of some roses and a gerbera? - Sounds good.

- How about a blue one like this? That would be unique. - Sure.

Here we go.

- How's the band? - We're doing okay.

- Any gigs coming up? - We haven't got any yet.

I remember you always dreaming about being in a band back in school.

And you always performed in school plays.

- I played a rock because I was so shy. - That's rock 'n' roll!

Miia!

- Miia, Miia, you... - Oh, hi, Jouni.

- You look like an angel today. - Jouni Tulkku himself.

What brings the star to our shop?

You know why I'm here. Do you wanna to go for a drive?

I'm going to Kuusamo, we could have dinner there.

That would be nice, but I'm busy here.

- Here you are, Turo. - Thanks.

Let me tie these... Voila, that'll be 20 euros.

Oh, Turo. I didn't notice you.

- Miia captures all my attention. - Right.

Jouni, you remember Turo also has a band?

Oh. Really?

That's nice. I mean, it's nice to meet a fellow musician.

If I can do anything to help you in the music business,

just ask. No questions asked.

- Really? - Anytime.

I gotta go. See you later.

- Stay wonderful! - Right.

Bye!

- I gotta go too. - Okay.

Come back soon!

We have a heavy metal band.

We've been looking for a condenser mic...

Listen.

I don't give a pussy hair about your metalhead faggot band.

You can stick the condenser mic up your ass for all I care.

One more thing.

In the future, buy your flowers elsewhere.

I've been warming that chick's muffin for a long time,

and you ain't gonna ruin it.

Some might say I work too hard to get laid, but I say,

"The chase is better than the catch."

You know? No, you don't know a fucking thing.

Go get a haircut. I'll go get laid.

With my dick. And a pussy. A woman's pussy.

Homo!

Moilanen, are you smuggling drugs?

Jouni said you went to the flower shop

- to woo my daughter. - I bought flowers for one of our residents.

- What? - I bought flowers for one of our residents.

I didn't let her move to the city

because I didn't want her to end up

with a glue sniffer like you.

She needs a real man. I already know the perfect son-in-law.

- Jouni Tulkku? - He's a good man.

- He's a player. - What? Say that again.

I said, it's a little late. I have to go and rehearse with my group.

Dirty hippie.

Make sure the flowers end up in a vase

and not in a pipe in one of your drug dens.

Or I'll lock all of you up.

- Did you call Jouni a player? - No, I would never have dared.

Well, now we're gonna write a song.

Okay, let's do it.

What the hell. That's what we'll do.

How does the song start?

Lotvonen, do you have a riff?

I have some ideas.

"Walk". Pantera. 1992.

And that, what do you say?

Children of Bodom. "Every Time I Die." 2000. Laiho.

Mors Subita: "The Sermon." Finnish melodic death metal.

"Crucified" Necrobutcher of Infernal Legions. 1989.

Turo, why don't you write lyrics first?

What should I write about?

Heavy metal lyrics are usually based on mythology,

occultism, satanism, or fantasy books from my balls.

You can also write about your personal misfortunes.

- Those I've got plenty of. - That's true.

He's right.

What the hell...

What the hell.

Darn!

That's it...

That's it!

Jynkky, this is it!

Are you stupid or what? It's our sound!

This is a pure blast beat!

The souls of hundreds of reindeer screaming in pain

on their way to reindeer hell.

When we trun this into a song, grannies will moisten their panties.

I was thinking it would go like this.

I've never heard anything like it.

It has a bit of Forced Vomit's "Vominatorium Excalibur,"

but the sound is unique.

I'll start with the riff. Jynkky and Pasi join in.

Pasi, should we start on the same beat?

Sure. Sure.

- Then my solo. - No solo.

Then we'll all headbang in sync.

One, two, one, two...

- Okay, let's go. - Yeah.

This is "Flooding Secretions," meaning "shit on your thighs."

Fuck a whore! We've never played so brutally!

And that was our song.

There's a strong message in your words, Turo.

Yeah, a lot of words!

Look at this. Our first demo.

Now we have to make tons of copies

and send them to all the labels and all the studios.

- Turo, I'll put your number on it. - Mine?

You're the front man, so you can take care of publicity.

Son, I need you.

There's a guy parked in the driveway. A stranger.

What if he's an EU inspector? I've taken a few liberties

- interpretating the directives. - Let's go ask.

Frank.

Lotvonen.

Sorry?

Lotvonen.

- That's your name? - Yes.

- Who is he? - I guess he's an EU inspector.

Doesn't look like one.

Are you inspector from EU?

- European Union? - Yes.

No. I'm from Norway. I'm here to buy some reindeer blood.

Does he have money?

Can you pay cash?

We sure as hell have blood. This ain't no flower shop.

Yes.

Nice!

Directives... very good.

A reindeer saw.

Tell him this is super sharp.

Very sharp.

That's brutal!

You boys look like a weird heavy metal band.

Yes. We are a band!

Really?

So what's ya playin'?

Symphonic-post-apocalyptic-reindeer-grinding- -Christ-abusing-extreme-war-pagan-Fennoscandic metal.

Right...

Really interesting.

Uh oh.

Good God! Shit!

Bloody fucking business!

Goddammit!

I'm sure I'm gonna lose my permit now.

Isn't that the logo of the metal festival in Norway?

- The biggest one in the Cap of the North.. - Who was that guy?

"Frank Massegrav, festival promoter."

Jynkky! What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What the fuck are you doing here?

Our demo cassette.

Oh, fuck me!

Please. Listen to our tape.

We play really good.

You'd better be good.

- What did you say to him? - I gave him our demo.

- Guys, we're gonna play at a festival! - What?

Guys, you know what?

I have a feeling this could be something.

A gig in Norway.

Oh hi, Turo.

What's up?

We might have a gig coming up.

- At a festival, in Norway. - What?

- That's huge! - I don't know about it...

No, really, congratulations!

Miia, dazzling as always. Turo, looking like you always do.

Guess what? Turo and his band have a gig in Norway.

- It's not that big a deal. - It is.

That's awesome. Are you going to play in front of people?

The gig is at a festival.

I'm so happy for you. Fuck.

Why don't we get going.

Turo must be busy with the upcoming gig.

Hop in.

Turo, that was great news.

- Hop in! - Rock Rock.

- Rock... - Awesome news!

Awesome, indeed.

Turo, hi!

You want a beer?

A gig in Norway. No frigging way! That's cool.

The farthest Jouni's band has been is Kiiminki.

I have to say you rock.

Hats off to you.

Thanks.

We have a new resident in the closed ward.

A really dangerous one. Don't go into his room.

Give him his sheets through the hatch.

- Got it? - Got it.

Or do you want me to do it

- now that you got the gig coming up? - I'll take care of it.

Sure thing.

Why so scared?

- Huh? - I've never seen a...

- A Lapplander? - Yeah.

I've got linens. Clean ones.

- If I come in, will you take it easy? - Sure.

- I'm Turo. - Oula.

Oula! Calm down, goddammit!

- What's that music? - Metal.

- What? - Metal.

Metal? Well well.

Remember not to shake hands with him or move abruptly.

It triggers aggression in him.

He was in reform school in Pello,

- but they couldn't handle him there. - Yeah, he didn't sound local.

Right.

Imagine, the Northern Damnation Festival in Norway.

We're on stage. There's a monstrous audience

holding their breath in anticipation.

More and more people gather in front of the stage.

They're there to see us.

We walk onstage, the lights are bright.

A thousand people stare at us intensely.

Then it's all quiet,

even the audience is nervous as hell.

I cue a beat with a click of the sticks.

Lotvonen drops an avalanche of riffs from hell.

Pasi beats the bass like crazy.

Then Turo lets out a monumental metal growl. The audience is floored.

This is one hell of a thing.

I knew Frank would call you right away and offer us a gig.

He must've liked our song.

Jynkky...

- Yeah, he mentioned the main stage. - Main stage?

What the hell. There's gonna be at least 3,000 people.

- Damn. - Or 10,000.

He really liked our demo.

You gotta like it. The whole village has gone crazy.

I even got a discount at the hot dog stand.

How are we gonna get to Norway?

We need a bigger car. Jynkky's is too small.

- And we need a name. A good one. - Yeah

- And a logo. - Yeah.

Jouni's gigging at the hotel. Wanna go have a laugh at him?

- Let's go! - Let's go.

Guys, you need to help me get my car started.

Our name has to have two words. In English. Like Forced Vomit.

Fetal Death?

Fetal Death!

Let's not get small kids involved in this.

How about Blood Poisoning?

- Eternal Tears of Sorrow? - No way!

How about Exorcised Vomit?

- Possessed Vomit! - That's pretty nasty.

Vomit is cool.

I'm thirsty Your spring is a shower.

I'm thirsty The nectar of your flower.

My parched lips Waiting for the rain to start.

Look.

The rock stars are here!

Who will extinguish this fire in my heart.

I salute.

We'll take a short break. We'll continue in a moment.

May I have your attention. I would like to say a few words.

On behalf of our municipality and our citizens,

I'd like to present this pennant to you.

Here you are.

I heard that your band is going to do a concert

at a musical event in Norway. Is it true?

Yes. I was actually supposed to tell you...

Our concert will be broadcast live on Norwegian television.

Yes. Yes. Excellent.

Good luck.

I wish you good luck.

Proud of you. Proud of you.

Goddammit.

- Jynkky, give me Frank's business card. - Why?

- I have to discuss logistics with him. - Okay.

- And talk about the stuff too. - Yeah.

We need to make a list of things we want backstage.

Tomorrow we will buy a van at Tulkku.

- We need space for all of our stuff. - And we need band photos.

- Hi. - Hi.

I kinda accidentally blurted out the news about your gig.

It's so great, I had to tell everyone.

- That's okay. - Good

It's great that you're going all the way to Norway to play a gig.

- Is this your first gig? - Yeah, we thought we'd start at the top.

Although it wouldn't hurt to practice as an opening act.

But it's not like we had a lot of opportunities here.

Jouni.

Miia, are we finally going go for a walk backstage?

Why don't you take the boys as your opening act?

Right. Well... I wonder how that would work out.

Give the boys a chance!

Well, it would be a nice change to have a comedy act here.

So what do you say, Moilanen? You wanna open

for the Star Mustaches next Saturday?

Say yes!

- Of course. - Yes!

That's awesome! Thank you Jouni, that's so nice of you!

- The pleasure is mine. - Yes!

What kind of music do you retards even play?

Symphonic-post-apocalyptic- -reindeer-grinding-

- Christ-abusing-extreme-war-pagan Fennoscandic metal.

No wonder you're not getting any pussy.

And who stuck a pole up his ass? One of you?

Frigging ghost.

Impaled Ass...

We want the best van that we can get with this amount of money.

- That's 260. - Yeah. What can we get with it?

A snow tire and gonorrhea. Barely.

Okay, I'll trade my Peugeot 205 for the van.

- XL? - Yeah.

285 euros. I might have a van for you.

Here it is. It has a beautiful patina.

It's seen a lot of life. Or actually death.

This van killed three big animals and one person.

A dwarf. Chinese, I believe.

Then it was buried in a swamp.

It was used in a bank robbery in Sweden.

And a circus professional, a clown,

committed suicide in the passenger seat.

It's the van of death.

The Death Van.

Perfect. We'll take it.

Okay.

Jynkky, why don't you lend me your old drums.

- We'll take them to the care home. - Why?

For music therapy.

Fuck! It clicked again. That damn speed camera haunts me!

We could've taken another road.

I've been taking this road

since before I got my driver's license.

I ain't taking back roads because of that cam.

That cost me 100 euros.

Sweet Jesus on a stick! I would never have believed it.

Take new linens to him. And then there's Kolehmainen...

- I heard you have a gig at the hotel. - Yeah.

A bunch of the staff will be there.

You've reached Northern Damnation. Leave a message

This is a great song!

What is it?

- My buddies and I have a band. - Are you famous?

I don't know about that.

- We probably have a couple of gigs coming up, though. - Listen.

I'm sorry about last time.

I lose it sometimes. You know, I'm crazy.

Just kidding!

Don't you have a sense of humour?

I haven't seen much to laugh at lately.

Why are you so serious?

This gig thing has gotten out of hand.

Everybody's expecting a lot of me.

What if I screw up and ruin everything?

My boy, the only way to get rid of your fears is to face them.

You see,

there's a tribe in Africa that steals food from lions.

They're fearless.

They just walk up to the lions as if the jungle was theirs.

The lions are stunned when someone isn't scared of them.

The warriors just snatch their kill right in front of them.

- Are you from there? - Nearby...

I'm from Karigasniemi, Finnish Lapland!

I saw it on TV. In a nature documentary.

We don't have many lions around here.

Metaphors are not your thing, huh?

We all have our own lions to face.

- What are we doing here? - I'm hungry.

Pasi.

That's a wicked-ass costume.

There is no more Pasi.

- There is only Xytrax. - Xytero?

- Xytrax. - Xytero?

It's a pseudonym. All the legends have pseudonyms.

Trollhorn, King Diamond, Nuclear Holocausto.

And now, Xytrax.

Here's our logo.

Iskender Kebab. That's great.

- I love Iskender Kebab. - No, Impaled Rektum.

- That's our name. Impaled Ass. - It's even better.

Impaled Rektum. It's brutal.

And now, we'll take a promo shot.

A bit more.

That's too much.

Turn it towards the swamp. No...

- What swamp? - It was good, there.

- Clockwise. - Your clockwise or mine?

That's it.

How are we going to get the photo?

- From the police station. - Yeah.

It took a photo. Let's get going.

Jynkky, I need a ride. I need to do something.

I've never been here before.

Wait here. I won't be long.

No, I'm coming with you.

I'm not going to wait here by myself.

RANUA ZOO

What an amazing place.

Bears are such big animals.

You can't tell from TV or in photographs.

But from here, they're fucking big, for sure.

Wolves kill for pleasure, did you know that?

They practice murder on reindeer.

There must be a whole pack of them back there.

How cute!

- Turo, what the hell's up? - We all have our lions to face.

- But that's a wolverine. - It's a metaphor.

Don't! What the hell... Turo!

We have some liver casserole at home that you could've had instead.

- Good God! What happened to you? - Nothing... really.

- I've just been wrestling with a couple of things. - Okay.

- Are you coming to see our show tomorrow? - Of course.

Good.

Need anything else?

No that's all.

I was thinking...

Would you like to have coffee with me?

Sure, I love coffee. With buns.

Yeah, with buns.

It's a deal.

What did I tell you? Leave my daughter alone!

You hear me? Now, throw my baton back!

REINDEER AND PUMAS

The place is packed!

- What's that? - Pyrotechnics.

Good idea.

I gotta hit the bathroom.

Fuck!

Turo Moilanen

Yes, hello, it's Frank.

Hello.

I listened to your demo, and it's a good song, real metal.

Thanks.

But... I am... uh sorry. We have no room for you in this year's festival.

Okay, of course.

But, are you sure?

We can play anywhere!

Listen...

I can't take you this year, sorry.

But keep up the good work, and don't worry about that blood bath.

That was actually very brutal.

See you around then. Bye-bye.

Turo, come on!

Thank you. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm a generous guy, so tonight I'm giving a group of local boys a shot.

Some wild rock 'n' roll to kick off the night...

- What was the name of your band again? - Impaled Rektum.

Please, welcome: Impure Recluse!

Oops. Sorry.

Turo!

Oh dear. Oh dear.

No one gets it perfect the first time.

That was great! Your gig in Norway will be a success.

There will be no gig in Norway.

Turo Moilanen would like to say something.

There will be no gig in Norway!

- What? - There never was one.

- What the fuck, Turo? - Homo!

No friggin' Way...

Everything's fine!

What the hell you have done...

- I... - Shut up!

You'll be lucky if the mayor doesn't press charges,

for property damage, lying, and vomit on his damn suit.

And your so-called car. I'm confiscating it.

It hasn't been inspected in two years.

- We bought it from Jouni! - Don't drag him into this!

He said he told you it hasn't been inspected.

- He did not. - Shut up!

Give me the keys.

What is it, you damn raccoon?

We recently took a promo shot

with the speed cam...

- Could we get the photo as soon as possible? - What?

It's a promo shot for the band.

- That's what you did? - Yeah, that's what we did.

No, you can't have it!

The photo's government property.

Make sure you don't leave town.

Miia!

Let's go.

Impaled Rektum.

First concert: A huge scandal and a lot of hatred.

Perfect.

I should have known this was going to happen.

That's what happens when glue-sniffing criminals are allowed to mingle

with decent citizens.

Dude, you lied.

- It got out of hand. - Shut up!

I'm seriously pissed.

This isn't working.

I quit.

Turo. You're not going to quit, are you?

Everything has sucked the whole time.

We should've stayed in Lotvonen's basement.

Turo. That's not what bands do.

Bands play for people. Other people.

- And, what did you think of our show? - It was damn awesome!

Not very many bands have first gigs like that.

Besides, we have a gig in Norway.

There is no gig in Norway. There never was one.

I don't care if we play in the parking lot.

We've made it this far. I refuse to give up.

I'm going to Norway even if it kills me!

- We don't even have a car. - I'll get the van back.

And then we'll go. I'll call you.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Have you seen Turo? - No.

Okay. Where's Jouni?

I've been going through rough times.

My grandmother is terminally ill, among other things.

Don't pull on my suit. I use it on stage.

- Hi. - Yeah.

This doesn't concern you.

Want to have a threesome?

Why don't you fuck off.

I don't know her. Continue.

POLICE

Shit.

We'll be home soon..

Shitty cam!

We are gathered here to see Jyrki Kalevi Pätsi off

on his final journey.

Jyrki managed to experience many things during his short life.

His life's candle burned with a big flame.

The water of life flowed in his heart, clear as crystal.

Does anyone have anything to say

before we commit his body to the earth?

To my best friend.

The Jynkky special. Without pickles.

Because you too were special.

"In the misty morning, on the edge of time

We've lost the rising sun, a final sign"

We sailed across the air before we learned to fly"

We thought that it could never end

We're lost children of the sea"

Ronnie James Dio. 1980.

I have to go work.

My father thinks I should take over at the slaughterhouse

while he still has most of his arms and legs left.

I also have a lot of work.

I haven't changed my plans.

- Hi. - Hi.

Come on in.

It's a bit of a mess in here.

Are you moving?

No. I'm just packing away old junk.

Blood Motor.

It's a bit childish to have posters on the walls at my age.

- How's the band? - Well...

I dunno.

- I got pissed. - What?

I thought I'd be good.

I should've known I'd screw it up

if I tried to sing in front of people.

I'm glad we quit.

Goddammit! No way in hell! Are you gonna give up too?

Well... I have to move on.

- I have to think about others. - You can't be serious.

You're the reason I've been thinking

about going to school in Oulu.

And now you're giving up!

There's nothing selfish about being yourself!

Greetings from the police station. You can burn it if you want.

Jynkky, dammit.

What the hell. Let's go.

Hey, Moilanen? Are you gay? You're so pretty?

Yeah.

Fags are real men. Manly men.

- Are your keys are in the car? - Yeah.

Perfect.

Hey!

This sounded horrible. As if someone was killing a pig.

No, they didn't kill a pig.

It was a goat.

They recorded this song with a microphone...

that was in a sheep's carcass.

All right.

What the hell...

Goddammit!

Oula, calm down.

- Pasi! - It's Xytrax!

Put our demo on.

- Where are you taking me? - To Norway.

What the hell am I going to do in Norway?

You'll play symphonic postapocalyptic reindeer-grinding

Christ-abusing-extreme-war-pagan Fennoscandian metal.

- Border guard. - This is Police Chief Kujanpää from Taivalkoski.

- You speak Finnish? - Yes a little.

A gang of Devil worshipers are en route to the border.

They're driving a van.

They looted a grave and dug up the corpse. Close the border.

We'll only close the border if it's something serious,

like a terrorist threat.

They are terrorists!

I'm sure they're all funta... funda...

- Fundamentalists? - Yes.

- I'll pass your message on to my superiors. - Okay.

Colonel Dokken

Sorry for disturbing you, but I got an emergency call from Finland.

A group of Finnish terrorists are going to cross the border.

We are being asked to stop them.

I knew this day would come.

- Call the Delta troops. - Delta troops?

You mean those voluntary military troops?

The safety of the country is at stake!

We need all the troops.

We're the last line of defense. And we won't not back down.

Angelo... You'll be smokin' hot soon.

You are here because you are the best of the best.

You're here because your country needs you.

Because you're fearless.

Because

you live nearby.

The use of force is recommended.

Let's give these terrorists a welcome they'll never forget!

Oh my God, here we go again.

Judah, sulking is forbidden at a bachelor party.

Hey, I can drive us back.

Jesus and his apostles is the best idea ever

for a bachelor party.

Look what I got!

This keeps getting better!

Judah, turn the music down.

You missed a note.

I assume you understand the importance of gun safety.

Don't point it at me. Oh God.

Take your finger off the trigger!

Grenade!

What the hell?!

What the hell?

Colonel, with all due respect, this makes no sense.

- We need to ask headquarters for backup. - A car!

Angelo!

- You can't shoot them! - Just a warning shot.

Sergeant, arrest these men.

We better drive nice and slow.

It's reassuring to know that our borders are well guarded.

Say "cheese"!

You stopped the wrong car!

We stopped the wrong car.

Not good. Bad.

Guys, that's it, we're in Norway!

Go Sweden!

We're not gonna get stuck here, are we?

- Brake! - I am braking.

Brake better!

No!

- Shit! - No!

- The megaphone! - What the hell?

You'll stay in the car.

MY VAN!

Hey!

Dad!

You are under arrest by Norwegian Law for attempted terrorist acts.

We are not terrorists!

We're a metal band from Finland!

We are on a mission from Satan.

Listen, I love Satan as much as any woman in her forties.

But you are coming up for interrogation right this moment.

What the hell is she talking about?

Hey.

It can't end like this.

Listen, mop-top faggots! It's the end of the road.

You'll be locked away for a long time.

The longer you wait, the longer the sentence.

Guys.

Listen.

Thirty seconds!

What are we gonna do? Are we gonna give up?

Darn it!

I say we follow Jynkky.

And I'm the one they keep in a closed ward.

We all died and have just arrived in hell.

I'd say this is either Asgard or Valhalla.

Wasn't this supposed to be a fantasy game?

These guys look like fucking Finnish metalheads.

This is a Middle Ages S.C.A., not fantasy LARPing.

- Do you always have to play a fairy? - Yes.

- Damn Legolas. - Hey! Take us down!

Next time it's your turn to be crucified!

What the hell is going on here?

We're playing Viking Realm. You're welcome to play along if you want.

We're going to the Northern Damnation festival.

We are late.

Do you have any transportation here?

Land ho!

Northern Damnation!

You have some balls coming here.

Is there any chance we could play here?

Just one song.

In the parking lot, maybe, or...

For fuck sake, boys...

You're all over the news!

A deranged Finnish metal band kidnaps a lunatic,

and digs up their dead drummer from the grave,

and nearly starts a war.

That is one fuck of a metal attitude.

We are honoured to let you play at our fesival.

- Right, boys? - Damn.

Hey, where do you think you're going?

There are all kinds of bums ready to cause trouble for you.

Dad, you can't protect me for the rest of my life.

I'm going to the festival. Try to behave.

You understand?

What are you doing?

This won't feel like mine if I don't do this.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

- It'll go well. - Miia.

What the hell are you doing here?

I've seen enough of back home.

And I wanted to see your gig.

I'm your number one fan, after all.

Show them what you've got.

Get on stage! Metal first, girls later.

Yes, coming!

I've been wanting to tell you something.

There's cops all over the place looking for you!

- Get on stage, now! - Yes!

Rock rock!

Fuck!

Yes!

Please welcome from Finland,

A band that nearly started a war,

and was resurrected from the dead!

The only symphonic-post-group cruel-scandinavian metal band in the world!

He got it wrong. He got it wrong!

Impaled Rektum!

Jynkky, we're playing Northern Damnation!

Hello.

Shields!

Let the boys play some more.

The singer might be my future son-in-law.

- What? - Son-in-law.

Sometimes it's better to just do things and think afterwards.

Dare to screw up. Or as our resident Kolehmainen said,

"Better to shit yourself than to be forever constipated."

We'll do some time in the clink, but that'll just add to our street cred.

Pasi's pleased. I don't know about Lotvonen.

I think he'll miss his reindeer.

Oula doesn't seem to mind.

At least he got a break from being locked up.

But one thing all of us boys can agree on.

You're not done hearing from the Rektum.