All language subtitles for Free.Agents.S01E07.1080p.WEB-DL.DD.5.1.H.264-SbR

- SEE, ISN'T IT NICE
IN THE PARK?

THE BABY'S QUIET.

- UM, W-WHY ARE THERE EMPTY CANS
IN HERE?

- UH, BECAUSE I RECYCLE AND
SHE ENJOYS PLAYING WITH THEM.

- SH--OKAY.
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE UP FOR THIS?

I MEAN, YOU WERE ALONE
WITH YOUR GODDAUGHTER

NOT FIVE MINUTES
BEFORE YOU HAD AN EMERGENCY.

AND BY THE WAY,

CRYING DOES NOT COUNT
AS AN EMERGENCY.

- GOD,
DON'T REMIND ME.

IT SOUNDED LIKE A CAT
IN A MEAT GRINDER.

- [cries]
- OH, GOD. AGAIN?

WHAT'S WRONG
WITH HER?

- NOTHING.
SHE'S A BABY.

SHE HASN'T MASTERED
THE ART OF SMALL TALK YET.

- UGH.
- COME HERE.

HI,
YOU.

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.
SHH. SHH. SHH.

- OKAY,
HOW DID YOU DO THAT?

IS THERE, LIKE,
A PART YOU PRESS OR SOMETHING?

- YEAH, YOU DIDN'T KNOW THEY
CAME WITH A BUTTON IN THE BACK?

- [sighs]
MAYBE I JUST DON'T HAVE

A NURTURING INSTINCT,
YOU KNOW?

I HAD POPCORN AND CHARDONNAY
FOR DINNER LAST NIGHT.

I CAN BARELY NURTURE MYSELF.
[chuckles]

OKAY.

ALEX, YOU KNOW
THERE ARE PUBLIC RESTROOMS?

- MY EX IS HERE WITH SOME GUY
OVER BY THE FOUNTAIN.

DO THEY LOOK LIKE
THEY'RE TOGETHER?

- UH,
I DON'T THINK SO.

TH--UH,
THEY'RE SMILING.

- I CAN'T GET
A GOOD LOOK AT HIM.

IS HE--
IS HE MY AGE?

- GO ON
AND INTRODUCE YOURSELF.

- AND LET HER THINK THAT
I CARE ABOUT HER LOVE LIFE?

N-N-N-NO.

SHE'S TAKEN MY HOUSE,
MY MONEY,

AND HALF OF MY TIME
WITH MY KIDS.

I'M GONNA KEEP MY DIGNITY,
THANK YOU.

- MM, SAID THE MAN
HIDING BEHIND A TREE.

- IS HE TALL?
DOES HE HAVE HAIR?

SHE ALWAYS WANTED ME
TO GROW A PONYTAIL.

- I'M NOT SPYING
ON YOUR EX-WIFE.

- FINE, THEN YOU CAN TAKE
THE NEXT DIAPER CHANGE.

- OKAY, I'LL FOLLOW THEM.
MEET ME AT THE CAR.

DON'T PUT THAT KID
ON MY LEATHER SEATS

WITHOUT A CORK
IN IT.

[Eli Paperboy Reed
and the True Loves' Help Me]

- * HELP ME BABY

* IF YOU CAN

* SOMETIMES
IT'S MORE *

* THAN I CAN STAND

* HELP ME BABY

* IF YOU CAN

* AH, HELP ME

* OH YEAH

- I JUST DON'T GET IT.

I KNOW THAT WOMEN ARE SUPPOSED
TO GO GAGA OVER BABIES,

BUT WHAT
AM I MISSING?

YOU ALWAYS GO
ON AND ON ABOUT

"HOW MUCH
I LOVE MY KIDS."

IT'S LIKE,
WHAT IS THE BIG THING?

- LIKE,
THEY'RE MY KIDS?

- OH, SO THAT'S IT?
IT'S JUST ENSLAVEMENT

TO A BIOLOGICAL IMPULSE?

- MY BUDDY AT THE D.M.V.
RAN THE PLATE.

THE BEEMER THAT
YOUR EX GOT INTO

IS REGISTERED TO THIS GUY,
MARK TANNER.

- OH,
AND IRRATIONAL JEALOUSY.

YOU'RE NOTHING BUT
BIOLOGICAL IMPULSES.

- I'M NOT JEALOUS.
BELIEVE ME.

I COULD CARE LESS ABOUT
MY EX'S ROMANTIC AFFAIRS.

- RAN HIS CREDIT SCORE
TOO.

- OH, WELL,
YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO--

OH, MY GOD!

- HELL OF A SCORE.

GUY LIKE THAT COULD SNAG
A 30-YEAR FIXED LIKE THAT.

- HOLY CRAP.

- UNMARRIED,
PARTNER AT DANBERG O'NEILL.

LOOK AT THE JAW.

THAT'S LIKE A PROW
OF AN ICEBREAKER,

JUST CRUSHING
THE ARCTIC ICE.

WOW, OKAY.
I'VE BEEN ON FOR 36 HOURS.

SO I SHOULD SCRAM.

SO I DON'T LOSE CONSCIOUSNESS
ON THE BUS.

AGAIN.
- MM.

- 788.

- I HEAR THE EX
IS BANGING A LAWYER?

SWEET!

GET TO KICK HIS ASS
FOR TWO REASONS.

- IF YOU DIVORCE SOMEONE,
YOU CAN'T BE JEALOUS.

THERE'S NO REASON.

- THAT'S WHAT'S AWESOME
ABOUT JEALOUSY.

YOU CAN JUST ROLL UP
AND STRAIGHT WHALE ON A DUDE,

AND HE'S LIKE, "WHY?"
AND YOU'RE LIKE,

"EVOLUTIONARY REFLEX,
BITCH."

- THANKS, BUT I-I DON'T NEED TO
"ROLL UP AND WHALE" ON ANYBODY.

- A LOT OF EXES
STAY FRIENDS.

MY NEIGHBOR AND HIS EX
WERE ROOMMATES

UNTIL SHE SHOT HIM
IN THE FACE.

- YOUR MESSAGES.

AND YOUR REMINDER.

- WHAT IS THIS?

- YOU TOLD ME TO
REMIND YOU TO GET

YOUR GOOD SUIT
DRY-CLEANED

FOR THE PORTLAND PROFESSIONAL
ASSOCIATION CHARITY DINNER.

- RIGHT.
- I'M ASSUMING

YOU HAVE A SECRET SUIT
I HAVEN'T SEEN.

DRY-CLEAN IT.

- THANK YOU.
- [chuckles]

- HELEN,
A MOMENT.

- YOU TWO AS WELL.
SOMETHING'S COME UP.

SHAUNA DANIELS IS A CANDIDATE
FOR MISS GREAT NORTHWEST.

- MM-HMM.
- THIS MORNING,

BLOGGERS PICKED UP A RUMOR
THAT SHE SLEPT

WITH ONE OF THE PAGEANT'S
BOARD OF DIRECTORS.

THESE PHOTOS EMERGED.

RATHER INDISTINCT,
BUT THEY DO APPEAR TO SHOW HER

HAVING INTIMATE RELATIONS
WITH AN UNIDENTIFIED MAN.

- SEX IN A CAR.
SWEET.

- I WANNA HAVE SEX
WITH THE G.P.S. LADY VOICE.

- THIS SUCKS. ALL YOU CAN SEE
IS THAT GUY'S FLAT OLD ASS.

- IT LOOKS LIKE TWO PIECES
OF THAT WEIRD ETHIOPIAN BREAD

PRESSED UP
AGAINST GLASS.

- THANK YOU FOR RUINING
ETHIOPIAN FOOD.

- ETHIOPIAN FOOD
RUINED ETHIOPIAN FOOD.

- OKAY, LET'S GIVE THIS
THE STANDARD SPIN-THE-SCANDAL.

SHALL WE?

- ON IT RIGHT NOW.
- THANK YOU, GOD.

- SOME OF US REMEMBER
YOUR SPORTY DERRIERE

FROM THE CORPORATE RETREAT
JACUZZI INCIDENT.

IS SHE EVEN PAYING?

- MORE LIKE BARTER.
- UGH.

- MAKE ME PROUD.

- SUNDAY WE WENT
TO MOUNT ST. HELENS,

WHICH WAS REALLY,
REALLY COOL.

- I'M GLAD,
BUT, UM...

WEREN'T WE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT
HIKE TOGETHER IN THE SPRINGTIME?

- MARK TOOK US ON
A HELICOPTER RIDE. WAY COOLER.

- MARK? WHO'S UH--
WHO'S MARK?

- MOM'S FRIEND
FROM WORK.

- MUST BE A PRETTY
GOOD FRIEND TO BE WILLING

TO SPRING FOR A HELICOPTER RIDE
LIKE THAT, HUH?

- HE DIDN'T PAY FOR IT.
HE FLEW IT.

AND HE SAID HE MIGHT TAKE US
ON HIS BOAT NEXT WEEK.

- UH, YOU DON'T LIKE BOATS,
THOUGH, DO YOU?

I REMEMBER YOU HATED THAT
FLUME RIDE AT THE THEME PARK.

- THAT WAS A PLASTIC LOG.
BOATS ARE COOL.

- MARK SAID
WE MIGHT SEE WHALES!

- BOATS, WHALES,
MY GOODNESS.

THIS ALL SOUNDS
REALLY, REALLY GREAT.

- SO WE'LL GET OUT A PRESS
RELEASE DENYING EVERYTHING,

THEN COUNTER
WITH SOME POSITIVE PRESS HITS,

PHOTO OPS,
ET CETERA.

UH, MAYBE BOOK YOU TO PERFORM
AT A CHARITY THING,

MAYBE THE P.P.A. DINNER,
AND GREGG HERE WILL HELP YOU

WITH SOME MORE
ON-MESSAGE WARDROBE.

- UH, NOT THAT WHAT
YOU'RE WEARING ISN'T NICE.

UH,
YOU HAVE LOVELY SKIN.

LIKE A SHAVED LEOPARD.
[laughs nervously]

- SO THESE ARE SOME
GENERAL TALKING POINTS,

SOME DOs AND DON'Ts
FOR INTERVIEWS,

AND WE'LL GET YOU
AN ITINERARY A.S.A.P.

- WHEN WILL I GET A THING SAYING
WHERE I SHOULD BE WHEN?

- SOON.

- THANKS!
STEPHEN WAS RIGHT.

YOU GUYS TAKE CARE
OF EVERYTHING. THANKS!

- OH! NOT SURE IF THAT
WAS CLEAR. THESE ARE FOR YOU.

- OH,
LIKE HOMEWORK?

- OR AS WE CALL IT,
WORK.

GOD,
SHE'S LIKE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN

IF YOU LET
TEN-YEAR-OLDS DRINK.

SHE'S JUST SO IGNORANT,
YOU CANNOT IMAGINE.

- I HAVE CHILDREN.
YES, I CAN.

IT'S LIKE, WHALES.
BIG DEAL.

ANYBODY CAN GO TO THE OCEAN
AND LOOK AT A WHALE.

YOU WANT TO
IMPRESS ME?

BUILD A TIME MACHINE,
AND GO LOOK AT A DINOSAUR.

THAT--
THAT WOULD BE COOL.

- OKAY, I THOUGHT WE WERE HAVING
THE SAME CONVERSATION, BUT--

- I'M SORRY, IT'S JUST
THIS TANNER GUY, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN,
ONE HELICOPTER RIDE,

AND MY KIDS ARE
TOTALLY FREAKING OUT.

AS IF THE ABILITY
TO FLY A HELICOPTER

IS SUDDENLY THE EPITOME
OF COOL OR SOMETHING.

- SO YOU'RE NOT JEALOUS,
YOU'RE THREATENED?

- THE MAN HAS A FLEET
OF AIR AND WATER VESSELS.

I CAN BARELY AFFORD THE BIKE
THAT I PROMISED MY DAUGHTER

FOR SELLING SAMOAS
IN GIRL SCOUTS.

- ALEX, COME ON.
IT'S NOT THE STUFF

THAT YOU HAVE,
IT'S WHAT'S INSIDE THAT--

[laughs] YEAH, NO.
YOU LOSE.

- THANKS,
REALLY.

- [laughing]
SORRY.

- IT'S TOUGH,
ISN'T IT?

KNOWING ONE DAY,
YOUR KID WILL BE SPENDING TIME

WITH ANOTHER DAD?

YOU KNOW,
AFTER MY DIVORCE,

MY EX HOOKED UP
WITH A SECURITY GUARD AT TARGET.

LIKE I COULD COMPETE
WITH THAT.

THAT PLACE
HAS EVERYTHING.

- [chuckles] IT'S NOT
A COMPETITION, RIGHT?

- THAT'S WHAT MY DAD USED TO SAY
AFTER I LOST AT TRACK.

BUT AS I GOT OLDER,
I REALIZED HE WAS WRONG.

IT'S ALL
A COMPETITION.

YOU CAN'T WIN
IF YOU DON'T PLAY.

IT'S LIKE THAT MOVIE.
DO YOU GIVE IN,

OR DO YOU FIGHT
FOR WHAT YOU LOVE?

WHAT'S THAT MOVIE?

- I DON'T KNOW,
I THINK YOU JUST DESCRIBED

EVERY MOVIE
EVER MADE.

- THE KARATE KID.

SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA
SWEEP THE LEG.

- I DON'T REMEMBER THAT BEING
THE LESSON OF THE KARATE KID.

- BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
- YEAH. IT'S JUST--

THIS GUY FLIES HELICOPTERS,
YOU KNOW?

- HELICOPTERS?
WOW.

THAT'S LIKE TARGET
WITH A PROPELLER.

- VERY GOOD,
SUNYONG.

[speaking Korean]

[laughs]
- [clears throat]

- SO DID A CLIENT RUN
AN OIL TANKER AGROUND,

OR KILL A HOOKER,
OR--?

- OH, NO, NO.
UM...

WELL,
IT'S MORE PERSONAL--

- AH.
I ACTUALLY HAVE TO BE SOMEWHERE.

NO, STEPHEN.
I-IT'S FOR MY KIDS.

UM, I WAS HOPING
TO DO SOMETHING, UH...

UM,
IMPRESSIVE FOR THEM.

- BUY THEM A LOFT.

NOT ONLY DOES IT ZERO OUT
COUNTLESS MISSED BIRTHDAYS,

BUT THEY ACTUALLY GO AWAY
AND LIVE IN IT.

- [chuckles] WELL,
SOMETHING THAT I COULD AFFORD.

- AH.
LIKE A FAVOR.

LIKE I DO SOMETHING
FOR YOU,

AND YOU OWE ME A FAVOR
IN RETURN.

LIKE I DID WHEN I GOT GREGG
THOSE TICKETS FOR LION KING.

- WELL, HOPEFULLY NOT THAT KIND
OF FAVOR IN RETURN.

STEPHEN,
YOU MADE HIM DRESS AS CUPID

FOR YOUR VALENTINE'S PARTY.

- HE GOT GREAT SEATS AND
A DIAPER FULL OF DOLLAR BILLS.

- I WAS THINKING MAYBE
I COULD WORK EXTRA HOURS.

- WE'LL GO WITH
YOU OWE ME A FAVOR.

MUCH MORE FUN.
[chuckles]

- YEAH.

- OKAY.
[elevator chimes]

[phone rings]

- SHE'S NOT WITH STEPHEN,
AND I CALLED HER CELL TEN TIMES.

- [sighs]
- HER MESSAGE IS HER

SINGING ABOUT REACHING
FOR YOUR DREAMS.

NOW MY DREAM IS FOR HER
TO FALL DOWN A MINE SHAFT.

- HI, HELEN!

- OH, MY GOD.
- EMMA.

- [groans]
- WAIT!

I THOUGHT I HAD TO BE HERE
FOR THAT MAGAZINE INTERVIEW.

- SHH!
- 15 MINUTES AGO!

AND THIS IS NOT ONE OF THOSE
LOOKS THAT WE TALKED ABOUT.

ARE YOU DRUNK?

- NO!
I DID MY LAST SHOT,

LIKE, THREE HOURS AGO.
I KNEW I HAD TO WORK.

- YOU STAYED OUT
ALL NIGHT?

- STEPHEN HAD HIS DRIVER TAKE ME
AND MY FRIENDS OUT CLUBBING.

BUT I STILL MADE IT HERE,
DIDN'T I?

- [sighs]
OKAY.

I'LL STALL THOSE GUYS
FROM THE LAMMOTH FAMILY.

TAKE HER BACK UP
THE FREIGHT ELEVATOR.

PUT THIS ON HER.
GIVE HER THOSE PEARLS.

AND IF SOAP DOESN'T TAKE
THIS MAKE-UP OFF,

YOU CAN USE THE MAYONNAISE
FROM THE KITCHEN.

- AND THERE'S A BOTTLE
OF MOUTHWASH

IN YOUR LOWER LEFT
DESK DRAWER,

AND I CAN GET
THE CIGARETTE SMELL OFF

WITH THE FEBREZE
IN THE LOWER RIGHT.

I DID YOU AFTER
THE CHRISTMAS PARTY LAST YEAR.

- OH, RIGHT.
THANK YOU.

- THANK YOU SO MUCH.

I'M JUST HAPPY YOU GUYS
TOOK THE TIME.

I LOVE TALKING ABOUT
MY CHARITABLE WORK.

IT'S REALLY WHY I GOT
INTO THIS WHOLE THING, REALLY.

VOLUNTEERING PUTS ME
IN A POSITION

TO GIVE BACK
A LITTLE PIECE OF MYSELF.

- UNDERWEAR! ON HAND
FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK.

PREFERABLY DIFFICULT
TO REMOVE.

- STEPHEN,
THANK YOU SO MUCH.

MY KIDS ARE GONNA LOVE THIS.
- IT'S NOTHING.

AN OLD MATE OF MINE IS
ON THE BOARD AT THE ZOO.

I HAVE PICTURES OF HIM BACKSTAGE
AT A DIRE STRAITS CONCERT

THAT WOULD MAKE
A VETERINARIAN BLUSH.

- AH.
- FAVOR.

- GOD, IT'S LIKE
SHE IS INCAPABLE

OF MAKING
AN INTELLIGENT DECISION.

- UH, ROUGH GOING
WITH YOUR TROUBLED TEEN?

- [sighs] IT'S LIKE SHE HAS
ZERO SENSE OF CONSEQUENCES.

AND WHAT ARE YOU
SUPPOSED TO DO?

IT'S LIKE
SHE'S TOO DUMB TO LIVE.

- WELL,
THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE THERE FOR.

YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE.
- HOW?

- WELL,
YOU SET BOUNDARIES.

YOU ENCOURAGE WITHIN LIMITS,
THEN ENFORCE THOSE LIMITS.

- [chuckles] THAT'S IT?
- YOU HAVE TO KEEP IT SIMPLE.

KIDS ARE PRETTY DARN IMMATURE.
- MM-HMM.

THAT'S WHY I HAVE TO
BEAT MARK TANNER

AND MAKE HIM LOOK STUPID.
- AH.

- WHEN OUR JUNGLE EXPERIENCE
OPENS NEXT WEEK,

IT'LL FEATURE SMALL,
EXOTIC MAMMALS AND REPTILES

FROM FOUR CONTINENTS.

WE GOT YOUR, UH,
ORIENTAL FIRE-BELLIED TOAD,

FENNEC FOX,
AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE,

PYGMY SLOW LORIS.

- HOW AWESOME IS THIS,
GUYS?

THIS EXHIBIT ISN'T EVEN
OPEN YET,

AND WE CAN LOOK AT ANY ANIMAL
WE WANT UP CLOSE.

- COOL.
- I KNOW, RIGHT?

- SOME PEOPLE SAY,
"IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE."

BUT WHAT IT REALLY IS
IS A JUNGLE IN HERE.

- [chuckles]
AND A HILARIOUS JOKE BY FRANK.

- HERE YOU ACTUALLY
HANG WITH THE ANIMALS.

LIKE THE BUSHY-TAILED JIRD...

WHICH, INCIDENTALLY, WAS MY
NICKNAME FOR MY LAST GIRLFRIEND.

- SLIGHTLY LESS HILARIOUS,
BUT OKAY, FRANK.

UM, ALL RIGHT. WHERE--
WHERE SHOULD WE START?

- THE JIRD?

- ARE WE DONE?
[sighs]

- UH, NO. THERE'S
A FEATURE REPORTER COMING.

- SO?
WE JUST GOT THE PICTURE.

- THE REPORTER IS DOING
A STORY ON YOU

SERVING CHILI
TO HOMELESS WOMEN.

SO A BIG PART OF THE STORY
IS GONNA BE YOU,

SERVING CHILI
TO HOMELESS WOMEN.

- CAN'T YOU DO IT?
IT SMELLS URINE-Y IN HERE.

AND I-I'M SUPPOSED
TO MEET SOME PEOPLE.

- HEY, I GOT PLANS TOO.
YOU GETTING ME CHILI OR NOT?

- [sighs]
I'M SO SORRY.

SHAUNA, WHAT DO YOU WANT
TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE?

- I DON'T KNOW.

LIKE, WIN THE PAGEANT
AND GET A REALITY SHOW.

- THAT'S YOUR GOAL?

- YEAH.
- THAT'S YOUR GOAL?

- WHAT'S WRONG
WITH THAT?

KIM KARDASHIAN MAKES
MORE THAN TEN YOUs.

- SHE WINS.
NOW HOW ABOUT CHILI TIME?

IF THAT'S YOUR STUPID GOAL,
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO WORK AT IT.

- OH, I DON'T THINK
STEPHEN WOULD LIKE

THE WAY YOU'RE SPEAKING
TO ME--HEY!

- STEPHEN ISN'T ALWAYS
GONNA BE THERE FOR YOU.

YOU EVER THINK
OF THAT?

SO YOU EITHER STAY HERE
AND SERVE CHILI,

OR I'M GONNA PULL YOU
FROM THE P.P.A. DINNER.

- NO, YOU WON'T!
- OH, YES, I WILL.

AND YOU CAN TRY TO MAKE
YOUR BIG DREAMS HAPPEN

ALL BY YOURSELF.
- OH, YEAH?

YEAH.
SO WHAT'S IT GONNA BE?

- THE PYTHON CAN SWALLOW
PREY BIGGER

THAN THE SIZE
OF ITS MOUTH

BECAUSE ITS JAWS
ARE NOT CONNECTED.

NOT UNLIKE MY EX-GIRLFRIEND.

- CLASSIC.
[cell phone beeps]

- HANNAH, COME ON.
DON'T YOU WANNA PET HIM?

- NO, WHAT IF IT TRIES
TO EAT ME?

- OH, THAT'S WHAT
THE WHISTLE IS FOR.

HAVEN'T LOST A MAN...

YET.

- OOH.
THAT'S A LITTLE SQUEEZY.

- LIKE FRANK'S GIRLFRIEND?
- [chuckles] NICE.

- IS IT EATING YOU,
DADDY?

- N-N-N-NO, HONEY, THIS IS FUN.
JUST, UH, FRANK,

MAYBE WE SHOULD--
FRANK, SHOULD WE...

GET ANOTHER ANIMAL MAYBE?

- WHOA! LOOK AT THAT.
OKAY. UM--

- HE'S EATING HIM,
BILLY!

- REGGIE'S GONE CODE FOUR.

- WHOA, THIS GUY'S GOT
A LOT OF PEP. LOT OF PEP.

- TOO LATE. IT'S PROBABLY
GONNA POP HIS HEAD OFF.

- COMING THROUGH!

- IT WAS AMAZING.

SHE CALLED ME
A BITCH.

I CALLED HER SPOILED,
AND I TOOK HER PHONE.

AND THEN FINALLY,
SHE SERVED CHILI.

- NICE.

- AFTER WE LEFT, SHE SAID THAT
SHE ACTUALLY FELT EMPOWERED.

IT WAS LIKE
I WAS BREAKING THROUGH

TO A TROUBLED YOUTH
AND TURNING HER LIFE AROUND.

LIKE, WHAT WAS THAT MOVIE?
- OH, I DON'T EVEN WANNA TRY.

- UH, KARATE KID.

AND THEN WE SPENT
THE WHOLE WEEKEND

JUST HANGING OUT,
GETTING HER PREPPED.

IT WAS GREAT!

IT'S LIKE I FINALLY GET
THAT WHOLE CARING THING

THAT YOU'RE ALWAYS
GOING ON AND ON ABOUT.

- WHAT?
- IT'S JUST WEIRD.

I THINK YOU JUST HAD
A NURTURING FEELING.

- I KNOW, RIGHT? I THINK
I MIGHT EVEN BE GOOD AT IT.

- [smirks]
STEPHEN WANTS TO SEE YOU ASAP.

- HMM. OH,
HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND?

- VERY SIMILAR. NURTURING
FEELINGS, SNAKE BATTLES.

THE USUAL.

WE'LL TALK.

- HELLO.

- HELEN, I WANTED TO SEE YOU
BECAUSE YOU'VE QUITE EXCEEDED

MY EXPECTATIONS--
- AS USUAL.

- SHAUNA'S APPARENTLY TAKEN HER
IMAGE REHABILITATION TO HEART.

I DIDN'T SEE HER
ALL WEEKEND--

- RIGHT? I THINK SHE'S MAKING
SOME GREAT STRIDES, ACTUALLY.

- HELEN,
YOU'RE MISSING THE POINT.

SHE BROKE UP WITH ME.

SHE DIDN'T WANT
TO SEE ME AT ALL.

SOMETHING ABOUT
"EMPOWERMENT."

- SORRY, BUT I-I THINK
IT'S A GOOD THING

THAT SHE'S LEARNING TO STAND
ON HER OWN TWO FEET.

- SHE WAS SWEET, HOPEFUL,
AND PERVERSE.

LIKE A LITTLE BUNNY.

IT'S TOO PAINFUL FOR ME
TO SEE HER ANYMORE.

SHE'S NO LONGER
A CLIENT.

DON'T EXCEED MY EXPECTATIONS
IN THE FUTURE.

- STEPHEN, UH,
SHAUNA NEEDS ME.

- WHO?
I DON'T KNOW ANY SHAUNA.

- FINE.

YOU CAN'T MAKE ME
STOP CARING FOR HER.

I'LL HELP HER
ON MY OWN.

- SO SNAKES.
HUH.

YOU'D THINK THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN
MORE IMPRESSED.

- YES, WELL,
HOPEFULLY THEIR FUTURE THERAPIST

CAN EXPLAIN THAT
TO THEM.

I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO COMPETE
FOR MY KIDS' AFFECTION.

RIGHT? I MEAN,
WE'RE ALL CIVILIZED ADULTS HERE

IN THE 21st CENTURY,
AND I'M THEIR DAD.

LIKE,
I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO WORRY.

- YOU SURE?
- YEAH.

- YOU SURE?
- YEAH.

W-WHY ARE YOU
ASKING ME THIS?

- I'M NOT GOING TO SAY
IF YOU'RE SURE.

ARE YOU SURE?

- WELL, MOSTLY, I GUESS.
- OKAY.

TANNER'S HOUSE.
WEEKEND YOU WERE GONE.

- WHAT ARE YOU,
SPYING ON THE GUY?

- TECHNICALLY, SPYING IS
A VERY PARTICULAR LEGAL TERM,

SO I'LL SAY NO.

BUT I DID GET THESE PHOTOS
INSIDE HIS GARAGE.

THE KICKER IS HERE.

- IS THAT THE BARBELINA
GIRL-POWER PRINCESS BIKE?

- WITH THE HANDLEBAR
POM-POM UPGRADE.

- OH, THAT SON OF A BITCH.
- MM-HMM.

- THE P.P.A. HAS LONG BEEN
COMMITTED TO SUPPORTING

COMMUNITY SERVICE AND CHARITABLE
WORKS HERE IN PORTLAND,

AND THE 2011 EVERGREEN GOLDEN
HUMANITARIAN AWARD--

- I'M SORRY, AIMEE,
BUT MY HEART'S JUST NOT IN THIS.

BUT YOU'RE WELCOME TO STAY FOR
THE CHICKEN MARSALA AND SEX.

- THE BARBELINA
GIRL-POWER.

I MEAN, THAT'S ONE HELL
OF A PRINCESS BIKE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
HE WOULD CROSS THAT LINE.

- I DON'T SEE HIM
ANYWHERE.

- YEAH,
BET HE'S NOT EVEN COMING, DUDE.

HE PROBABLY HEARD
YOU WERE LOOKING FOR HIM.

- YEAH, 'CAUSE WE ALL
LIVE IN HIGH NOON,

AND WORD GETS AROUND
IN THE SALOON.

- THIS WILL BE GREAT,
DUDE.

YOU CAN STRAIGHT WHALE ON TANNER
RIGHT IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY.

- WHAT IS WITH YOU
AND WHALING ON PEOPLE?

I'M JUST GONNA TALK TO THE MAN.
- YEAH?

WITH YOUR FISTS,
DOG.

- HAVE YOU ACTUALLY BEEN
IN A FIGHT, DAN?

- NOT RELEVANT.

- [scoffs]
DON'T GET ME WRONG.

THE GUY'S A CONNIVING
LITTLE JERK-WEASEL,

AND I'M GOING TO STRAIGHTEN HIM
OUT THE SECOND I SEE HIM.

AND THE WINNER
IS MARK TANNER.

[applause]

- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

HE'S THE GUEST OF HONOR?
THIS IS LIKE A JOKE.

- IT'S ACTUALLY RIGHT HERE
IN THE PROGRAM.

LESSON LEARNED.
READ THE PROGRAM, RIGHT?

- WHEN THE SILVERTON WILDFIRE
THREATENED HUNDREDS OF HOMES,

MARK EAGERLY VOLUNTEERED
HIS SERVICES

TO EVACUATE RESIDENTS
IN HIS HELICOPTER.

SAVING LIVES, PROPERTY,
AND WILDLIFE.

[cheering]

- THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE STEPHEN
CAME WITH THAT SKANK.

I SHOULD'VE WORN SOMETHING THAT
SHOWED OFF MY LEGS LIKE THAT.

- BUT YOU HAVE
MORE SELF-RESPECT.

AWW, COME ON.
BIG SMILE.

WE'RE PAST ALL THAT,
AREN'T WE?

YOU'RE IN CHARGE NOW.

OKAY,
AND I WAS THINKING,

MAYBE WE COULD TALK ABOUT YOU
TAKING SOME CLASSES.

NOT JUST SINGING.
- OH, ANYTHING BUT SINGING.

- [sighs] SOMETHING THAT
YOU COULD FALL BACK ON.

EDUCATION IS VERY IMPORTANT.
JACKET.

FOR EXAMPLE,
I HAVE A DEGREE IN MARKETING,

BUT I GET TO
HOLD THIS JACKET.

- [sighs]
- LOOK, HELEN.

I-I TOTALLY APPRECIATE ALL THE
HELP YOU'VE GIVEN ME SO FAR--

- REMEMBER TO STAND UP STRAIGHT
AND TO PROJECT.

OKAY? UH-OH.
LET'S PUT MR. BUTTON HERE

BACK IN HIS HOLE,
SHALL WE?

UH-UH.
NOT A PART OF THE IMAGE.

ALCOHOL LEADS TO BAD
DECISION-MAKING.

- YOU SHOULD KNOW.

- OKAY,
I'M NOT A CHILD.

- I KNOW YOU'RE NOT!
HERE COMES MR. BUTTON!

- WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
IT'S A BUTTON.

- IT'S A QUESTION OF WHO YOU
WANT TO SHOW THE WORLD YOU ARE.

ARE YOU SOMEBODY THAT ACHIEVES
WITH PROFESSIONALISM

AND INTELLIGENCE
AND A BUTTON BUTTONED,

OR ARE YOU A PERSON WHO--

- SHAKES HER JIGGLE BAGS
SO THAT OLD MEN--

- AND YOU
ARE DISMISSED.

WHAT I MEAN IS...

IT'S NOT A BUTTON,
IT'S A CHOICE.

- NOT MY CHOICE!

- JUST--
- GOD, I'M NOT YOU!

JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!

GREAT. HAPPY?
IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED?

- OKAY, SHAUNA,
WE'RE READY FOR YOU.

YOU'RE ON.
- [gasps]

SHE'S NOT READY.
- YES, I AM.

- [gasps]
- YOU KNOW WHAT?

THIS IS ME.

- OH!
- LET'S DO THIS.

- [whispers]
SHAUNA!

- * WHEN IT'S ALL
GOING WRONG *

* AND YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO *

* THAT'S THE TIME
TO BE STRONG *

* WHEN IT ALL DEPENDS
ON YOU *

- HI.
- HEY.

OH, HI.
UH, I'M MARK.

AND YOU LOOK
SO FAMILIAR.

- PERHAPS YOU RECOGNIZE ME
FROM MY KIDS' GENE CODE.

I'M LAURA'S EX-HUSBAND.

- OH, RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.
ALEX, ISN'T IT?

- YES.
- YEAH, YEAH.

- I REALIZE THAT
YOU'RE INVOLVED WITH MY EX.

AND THAT'S, OF COURSE,
FINE--

- I OWE YOU MY LIFE,
MR. TANNER.

- OH, THANK YOU.
- GOD BLESS YOU.

- YOU TOO, MA'AM.
HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.

OKAY, SO ALEX--
- LET ME--LET ME FINISH.

- YEAH, SURE.
- OKAY?

I REALLY DO TAKE ISSUE
WITH THE WHOLE

BARBELINA GIRL-POWER
PRINCESS BIKE MANEUVER.

COME ON. YOU BOUGHT MY DAUGHTER
A RATHER EXPENSIVE BIKE

THAT I PROMISED HER.
SO I THINK WE SHOULD--

- YOU SAVED MY RANCH.
- WOW.

- SIR, WE GET IT.
HE'S A WONDERFUL MAN, OKAY?

CAN I HAVE A MOMENT HERE,
PLEASE?

WE WERE RIGHT
IN THE MIDDLE.

- YEAH.
- GOOD NIGHT. THANK YOU.

- THANK YOU. I THINK WE
SHOULD SET SOME GROUND RULES

IF YOU'RE GONNA BE SPENDING TIME
WITH MY CHILDREN.

- ALEX, I REALLY DON'T THINK--

- BUT IT--CERTAIN STUFF
IS MINE, ALL RIGHT?

UH, PIXAR MOVIES ARE OKAY,
EXCEPT FOR RATATOUILLE.

THAT'S OURS.

UH, SPORTING EVENTS ARE GOOD,
EXCEPT FOR THE RED SOX.

AND I WOULD LIKE TO BE
THE ONE TO INTRODUCE THEM

TO CATCHER IN THE RYE,
SPINAL TAP, AND NEW YORK CITY.

- OKAY.
- YOU CAN HAVE THE NUTCRACKER

BECAUSE I DON'T THINK
I CAN SIT THROUGH THAT AGAIN.

- UH, THAT'S--THAT'S COOL.
- OH!

NO LISTENING TO
EARLY BEATLES' MUSIC.

IN FACT, ALL MUSIC
BETWEEN 1962 AND 1978 IS OUT.

ALL RIGHT?
AND, UH...

YEAH, EVERYTHING ELSE,
I THINK, IS FAIR GAME.

- OKAY, WELL, SO I'VE ONLY
BEEN OUT WITH LAURA TWICE.

THE BIKE IS FOR MY NIECE.

AND HOW DO YOU KNOW
WHAT'S IN MY GARAGE?

- CONGRATULATIONS, AND IT WAS
REALLY GREAT TO MEET YOU.

SIR, I'M SURE YOU HAVE SOMETHING
YOU WANT TO THANK THIS MAN FOR.

- UH, YEAH, BUT YOU KNOW,
I THINK WE SHOULD--

ALEX.
OKAY.

- WELL, AT LEAST YOU GOT YOUR
GROUND RULES OUT. [chuckles]

- YEAH. STILL I SHOULD HAVE
CLAIMED UP TO '82, YOU KNOW?

I LEFT SOME ELVIS COSTELLO
ON THE TABLE.

- [giggles]
- THERE SHE GOES.

[laughter]

- DOES MY ASS LOOK LIKE
A FLATBREAD TO YOU?

[laughter]

- ALL THAT WORK
UNDONE.

SHE'S JUST GIVING UP
ON HERSELF.

SHE'S THROWING
HER LIFE AWAY.

IT'S LIKE, ONE MINUTE, SHE'S
LOOKING AT ME TO GUIDE HER,

AND THE NEXT,
SHE WAS LIKE, "SCREW YOU."

- YEAH, I FORGOT TO MENTION
THAT HAPPENS TOO.

- UGH.
- YOU GIVE THEM EVERYTHING,

AND THEY UP AND LEAVE YOU.
- [sighs]

- HOPEFULLY, THOUGH,
THEY TAKE

SOME OF THE BEST PARTS
OF YOU WITH THEM.

[Gomez's
Whatever's on Your Mind]

- WHAT?

- ALEX?
- YES?

- YOU WILL ALWAYS BE
AN "AWESOMER" DAD

THAN MARK
WILL EVER BE.

- REALLY?
- MM-HMM.

EVEN IF YOUR CREDIT SCORE
DOES SUCK. [chuckles]

- WELL, I'M SURE YOU'D BE
PRETTY AWESOME TOO IF YOU...

DID THAT.
- MM.

- YOU KNOW WHAT?
SHOULD WE MAYBE

JUST TRY NOT--
FOR ONCE, TRY THIS AS FRIENDS.

- YES, THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT I SAID TO SHAUNA.

ALCOHOL,
BAD DECISIONS.

- NO, I KNOW "BAD"
IS TOO STRONG A WORD.

I'M NOT SAYING
IT WOULD BE BAD--

- IT WOULDN'T.
- JUST, YOU KNOW.

WELL, CONFUSING.
- MM.

YEAH.

UM,
FRIEND PUNCH.

[chuckling]

- [sighs]

- OH, THE MODELS TEAM ISN'T
GONNA KNOW WHAT HIT THEM.

WE'RE NOT JUST
BEAUTY QUEENS,

WE'RE BEAUTY MEANS.

WATCH AMAZON ISLAND,
EVERYBODY!

PLEASE! WHOO!
- HEY.

- WELL, SHAUNA FINALLY
GOT A REALITY SHOW.

- OH, ALL RIGHT.
SO YOU HELPED HER GET

WHAT SHE WANTED AFTER ALL,
RIGHT? FAME?

- YAY, HELEN! MAYBE NEXT YEAR
I'LL GET HER IN PENTHOUSE.

WHAT'S WITH
THE BIG SMILE?

- I JUST GOT A TEXT
FROM MY KIDS ON MARK'S BOAT.

"WHALES COOL.
MARK BORING."

- [chuckles]

- AH, ALEX,
MY OLD MELON BALL.

FAVOR TIME.
THIS IS A STEPSON, RUPERT.

COULD YOU TAKE HIM TO THE ZOO
AND DO THAT SNAKE THING?

LOVELY.
THANK YOU.

- OH, STEPHEN!
ST-STEPHEN?