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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,934 --> 00:00:02,270 [heavy breathing] - OOH. 2 00:00:02,303 --> 00:00:03,404 [woman laughs] 3 00:00:03,437 --> 00:00:05,406 - AHH. [man laughs] 4 00:00:08,209 --> 00:00:09,677 - UH...OH. 5 00:00:09,710 --> 00:00:11,345 UM... - IT'S OK-- 6 00:00:11,379 --> 00:00:13,181 - SORRY. 7 00:00:13,214 --> 00:00:14,315 I WAS JUST WONDERING... 8 00:00:14,348 --> 00:00:15,449 UH... 9 00:00:15,483 --> 00:00:17,185 I FORGOT HOW THIS WORKS. 10 00:00:17,218 --> 00:00:18,719 IS THIS PART LIGHTS-ON OR OFF? 11 00:00:18,752 --> 00:00:20,321 - WHATEVER. 12 00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:21,822 - I'M SORRY, BUT IT'S JUST... 13 00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:23,457 HOW--HOW AM I PLAYING THIS? I MEAN, AM I STAYING-- 14 00:00:23,491 --> 00:00:25,059 - I'LL CALL YOU A CAB. 15 00:00:25,093 --> 00:00:26,760 - OH...THANK YOU. 16 00:00:26,794 --> 00:00:28,596 - SURE. 17 00:00:28,629 --> 00:00:30,264 - WOW, THAT'S IMPRESSIVE. 18 00:00:30,298 --> 00:00:31,665 IN MY LIMITED EXPERIENCE, 19 00:00:31,699 --> 00:00:33,401 I NEVER GOT PAST A THREE-PACK, THAT'S-- 20 00:00:33,434 --> 00:00:34,768 YOU'RE, LIKE, MAKING A STATEMENT OVER THERE. 21 00:00:34,802 --> 00:00:36,504 - I CAN BUY BULK ON THE INTERNET? 22 00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:38,206 - NO, MORE LIKE, "IT'S 2011, 23 00:00:38,239 --> 00:00:39,440 "AND I'M AN INDEPENDENT WOMAN. [phone dialing] 24 00:00:39,473 --> 00:00:40,608 "I CAN BUY HUNDREDS OF CONDOMS. 25 00:00:40,641 --> 00:00:41,842 DOESN'T MAKE ME A SLUT." HEH. 26 00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:43,611 - OH, IS THAT WHAT I WAS SAYING? 27 00:00:43,644 --> 00:00:46,180 - WELL, I MEAN-- - OR WAS I SAYING, "IT'S 2010... 28 00:00:46,214 --> 00:00:49,083 I'M GONNA BUY CONDOMS TO HAVE SEX WITH MY FIANCE"? 29 00:00:49,117 --> 00:00:52,220 - WITH--WITH, UM... 30 00:00:52,253 --> 00:00:53,221 - PETE. - PETE. 31 00:00:53,254 --> 00:00:54,622 - RIGHT. - YES. 32 00:00:54,655 --> 00:00:56,357 - AND PETE AND PETE 33 00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:57,858 AND PETE AND PETE. 34 00:00:57,891 --> 00:00:59,460 - I KNOW, THEY'RE STUPID. 35 00:00:59,493 --> 00:01:01,595 BUT WE HAD 'EM DONE JUST BEFORE HE DIED. 36 00:01:02,830 --> 00:01:04,632 - I'M... 37 00:01:04,665 --> 00:01:06,500 [mumbles] 38 00:01:06,534 --> 00:01:07,801 - [laughs] 39 00:01:07,835 --> 00:01:08,836 - [chuckles] 40 00:01:08,869 --> 00:01:11,105 - [laughing] 41 00:01:11,139 --> 00:01:12,673 WHAT THE HELL? 42 00:01:12,706 --> 00:01:14,242 [sighs] 43 00:01:14,275 --> 00:01:15,809 WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? 44 00:01:15,843 --> 00:01:18,579 - I'M THINKING 45 00:01:18,612 --> 00:01:20,348 IT'S MY SON'S BIRTHDAY NEXT WEEK, 46 00:01:20,381 --> 00:01:22,316 AND I'M NOT GONNA BE WITH MY KIDS. 47 00:01:22,350 --> 00:01:23,317 [chuckles] 48 00:01:23,351 --> 00:01:25,819 [crying] - UM... 49 00:01:25,853 --> 00:01:29,523 - [sobbing] 50 00:01:29,557 --> 00:01:30,524 I'M SORRY. 51 00:01:30,558 --> 00:01:33,561 I DON'T USUALLY DO THIS. 52 00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:35,463 [phone rings] 53 00:01:35,496 --> 00:01:36,830 - HI, I NEED A CAB. 54 00:01:36,864 --> 00:01:38,732 - * HIT ME, BABY 55 00:01:38,766 --> 00:01:41,335 * IF YOU CAN 56 00:01:41,369 --> 00:01:43,837 * SOMETIMES IT'S MORE 57 00:01:43,871 --> 00:01:46,340 * THAN I CAN STAND 58 00:01:46,374 --> 00:01:48,842 * YEAH, HIT ME 59 00:01:48,876 --> 00:01:50,144 * OH, YEAH 60 00:01:50,178 --> 00:01:51,279 - MORNING. HOW YOU DOING? 61 00:01:51,312 --> 00:01:52,780 [indistinct chatter] 62 00:01:52,813 --> 00:01:54,348 - HEY, HEY, THERE YOU ARE. 63 00:01:54,382 --> 00:01:56,850 - ALEX, A LITTLE CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM. 64 00:01:56,884 --> 00:01:58,619 YOU LOOK LIKE HELL. 65 00:01:58,652 --> 00:01:59,853 - YEAH, THANK YOU. 66 00:01:59,887 --> 00:02:01,855 UH, I WAS UP KIND OF LATE LAST NIGHT. 67 00:02:01,889 --> 00:02:03,224 BIT OF A ROUGH NIGHT, YOU KNOW? 68 00:02:03,257 --> 00:02:04,358 - OH, I DO KNOW. 69 00:02:04,392 --> 00:02:06,494 WHAT WAS HER NAME, BRO? - WHO? 70 00:02:06,527 --> 00:02:08,196 OH, N-NO. NO, NO, NO, NO. 71 00:02:08,229 --> 00:02:09,530 - WHAT, YOU GOT SOME? 72 00:02:09,563 --> 00:02:11,299 YES! DEETS! 73 00:02:11,332 --> 00:02:12,900 [chuckles] "DETAILS." 74 00:02:12,933 --> 00:02:14,635 - INK'S NOT EVEN DRY ON THE DIVORCE PAPERS, 75 00:02:14,668 --> 00:02:16,770 AND HE IS BACK ON THE HORSE! 76 00:02:16,804 --> 00:02:18,672 - OOH, CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR ABOUT THIS. 77 00:02:18,706 --> 00:02:20,541 - I--NO, REALLY. 78 00:02:20,574 --> 00:02:22,676 THERE'S NOTHING TO TELL. I SWEAR. 79 00:02:22,710 --> 00:02:24,312 - GOOD MORNING, P.R. PROFESSIONALS. 80 00:02:24,345 --> 00:02:26,247 ALEX, YOU LOOK LIKE HELL. 81 00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:28,316 - HE WAS UP ALL NIGHT DOING EL NASTY. 82 00:02:28,349 --> 00:02:30,284 - HE WAS JUST ABOUT TO TELL US ABOUT IT. 83 00:02:30,318 --> 00:02:32,186 - WELL, THIS IS A STAFF MEETING AT A CAPITALIST ENTERPRISE, 84 00:02:32,220 --> 00:02:33,387 AND AS YOU MAY HAVE READ, 85 00:02:33,421 --> 00:02:35,889 TIME IS MONEY, SO...MAKE IT FAST. 86 00:02:35,923 --> 00:02:37,625 JUST THE GOOD PARTS. 87 00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:39,627 - [sighs] 88 00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:41,195 UH, I MET A WOMAN LAST NIGHT, 89 00:02:41,229 --> 00:02:43,197 AND WE HAD WILD ANIMAL SEX ALL NIGHT LONG. 90 00:02:43,231 --> 00:02:44,665 OKAY? WAS THAT GOOD FOR EVERYONE? 91 00:02:44,698 --> 00:02:46,500 - YES, ANIMAL SEX. 92 00:02:46,534 --> 00:02:47,735 WH-WHAT KIND OF ANIMALS? 93 00:02:47,768 --> 00:02:48,736 - LIKE PANTHERS, OKAY? 94 00:02:48,769 --> 00:02:50,238 CAN WE HAVE OUR MEETING NOW? 95 00:02:50,271 --> 00:02:51,539 - WHAT ABOUT THE BODY? PHYSICAL TYPE, 96 00:02:51,572 --> 00:02:53,207 THEN A NUMBER BETWEEN ONE AND TEN. 97 00:02:53,241 --> 00:02:54,775 - AND DID HER UNDERWEAR PIECES MATCH, 98 00:02:54,808 --> 00:02:56,277 AND DID SHE MOVE AT ALL? 99 00:02:56,310 --> 00:02:57,611 - AND, REALLY, PANTHERS? 100 00:02:57,645 --> 00:02:58,846 - APPARENTLY, WE DIFFER IN OUR DEFINITION 101 00:02:58,879 --> 00:03:00,281 OF "GOOD PARTS." 102 00:03:00,314 --> 00:03:01,515 JUST SIZE AND SHAPE OF BREASTS, 103 00:03:01,549 --> 00:03:02,516 STRAIGHT TO POSITIONS. 104 00:03:02,550 --> 00:03:03,817 - OKAY, UH... 105 00:03:03,851 --> 00:03:05,919 BOOBS WERE ROUND AND ENORMOUS. 106 00:03:05,953 --> 00:03:07,555 POSITIONS-- WHAT DIDN'T WE DO? 107 00:03:07,588 --> 00:03:08,556 REALLY, THE WORKS. 108 00:03:08,589 --> 00:03:09,557 UH, NORMAL, OF COURSE. 109 00:03:09,590 --> 00:03:10,924 DOG STYLE. CAT STYLE. 110 00:03:10,958 --> 00:03:12,326 UH, REVERSE CRAB. 111 00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:13,494 [laughter] THAT HAPPENED. 112 00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:14,695 UH, THE PENITENT FARMER. 113 00:03:14,728 --> 00:03:16,997 [laughter] UH, UH, LAZY BUS DRIVER. 114 00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:18,699 THE TURDUCKEN. THAT WAS FUN. 115 00:03:18,732 --> 00:03:20,668 OH, THE FLYING DUTCHMAN, OF COURSE. 116 00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:22,803 AND, REALLY, THAT'S THE LIMIT OF MY IMAGINATION, 117 00:03:22,836 --> 00:03:25,506 BECAUSE, HONESTLY, I WAS UP LATE WORKING. 118 00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:26,507 [overlapping chatter] 119 00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:29,577 - BOO! [all booing] 120 00:03:29,610 --> 00:03:32,413 - WELL, POINTS FOR IMAGINATION. 121 00:03:32,446 --> 00:03:34,548 WHICH WE NOW TURN TO OUR CLIENT, OMDYNE, 122 00:03:34,582 --> 00:03:36,817 WHOSE "LIVE RIGHT" DIVISION 123 00:03:36,850 --> 00:03:39,487 HAS AN UNFORTUNATE LITTLE PROBLEM WITH ITS IMAGE. 124 00:03:41,021 --> 00:03:41,989 - [retching] 125 00:03:42,022 --> 00:03:43,524 - A SALMONELLA OUTBREAK 126 00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:45,593 AT ROSE HILL ELEMENTARY... [all groan] 127 00:03:45,626 --> 00:03:48,028 - COMPLETELY DISGUSTING. SO...HOW DO WE SPIN THIS? 128 00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:50,564 COMPLETE DENIAL, OR BLAME SOMEONE ELSE? 129 00:03:50,598 --> 00:03:52,566 - IF YOU'D WANTED TO TRY THE REVERSE CRAB, 130 00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:53,967 YOU JUST HAD TO ASK. 131 00:03:54,001 --> 00:03:55,469 - VARIOUS JACKASSES CALLED FOR YOU. 132 00:03:55,503 --> 00:03:57,271 LAURA CALLED ABOUT PARENTS' NIGHT. 133 00:03:57,305 --> 00:03:58,906 LAURA CALLED AGAIN, SAME SUBJECT. 134 00:03:58,939 --> 00:04:00,408 AND LAURA CALLED. 135 00:04:00,441 --> 00:04:02,310 SUBJECT-- WELL, YOU GET IT. 136 00:04:02,343 --> 00:04:03,677 - GOD, ALL RIGHT, WOULD YOU PLEASE TELL-- 137 00:04:03,711 --> 00:04:05,413 - YOU DO GET EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT, RIGHT? 138 00:04:05,446 --> 00:04:07,548 AS IN NOT PERSONAL. NOT FOR YOUR PERSONAL PROBLEMS. 139 00:04:07,581 --> 00:04:08,682 - I UNDERSTAND-- - SPEAKING OF WHICH, 140 00:04:08,716 --> 00:04:09,683 THERE'S MORE OF THOSE. 141 00:04:09,717 --> 00:04:10,884 YOUR LAWYER CALLED, TWICE. 142 00:04:10,918 --> 00:04:12,486 AND I THINK THIS IS A PERSON. 143 00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:13,787 "SAMPAT"? - YEAH, THAT'S A PERSON. 144 00:04:13,821 --> 00:04:15,556 - HE'S NOT DONE PAINTING, 145 00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:17,024 SO YOUR NEW APARTMENT WON'T BE READY TILL THE WEEKEND. 146 00:04:17,057 --> 00:04:18,726 - OKAY, EMMA, CAN WE, LIKE, TURN DOWN THE SASS 147 00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:20,328 MAYBE ONE LITTLE NOTCH TODAY? 148 00:04:20,361 --> 00:04:22,330 - IT'S NOT SASS. THIS IS HOW IT IS. 149 00:04:22,363 --> 00:04:24,332 LIONS DON'T EAT DEER 'CAUSE THEY'RE SASSY. 150 00:04:24,365 --> 00:04:25,499 IT'S CALLED DARWINISM. 151 00:04:25,533 --> 00:04:26,634 AND NOW I'M ON THE PHONE. 152 00:04:26,667 --> 00:04:27,868 GO FOR EMMA. 153 00:04:27,901 --> 00:04:28,969 HOLD ON... 154 00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:37,044 - SO... - UH! 155 00:04:37,077 --> 00:04:38,045 - FLYING DUTCHMAN, EH? 156 00:04:38,078 --> 00:04:39,913 [both chuckle] 157 00:04:39,947 --> 00:04:41,515 - OH, NO. OH, NO. I MADE THAT UP? 158 00:04:41,549 --> 00:04:42,783 - NO, NO, IT'S REAL. 159 00:04:42,816 --> 00:04:43,951 IT'S LIKE THE MEXICAN SUBMARINE. 160 00:04:43,984 --> 00:04:46,320 ALEX, HOW YOU DOING? 161 00:04:46,354 --> 00:04:47,588 - OH, YOU KNOW. 162 00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:48,589 THINGS ARE A BIT ROUGH. 163 00:04:48,622 --> 00:04:50,023 - I DO KNOW. 164 00:04:50,057 --> 00:04:52,059 I'VE BEEN DIVORCED THREE TIMES. 165 00:04:52,092 --> 00:04:53,894 I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE. 166 00:04:53,927 --> 00:04:57,331 YOUR MIND'S SCATTERED. DISTRACTED. 167 00:04:57,365 --> 00:04:59,667 DO YOU KNOW WHAT I DID AFTER MY FIRST DIVORCE? 168 00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:01,034 DROPPED EVERYTHING. 169 00:05:01,068 --> 00:05:03,103 WENT FOR A FEW WEEKS IN ST. BARTS. 170 00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:05,439 TOOK MY MIND OFF THINGS. 171 00:05:05,473 --> 00:05:06,974 - WELL, THAT SOUNDS GREAT, BUT, UH... 172 00:05:07,007 --> 00:05:09,377 - NAH, YOU DON'T HAVE THE VACATION DAYS, DO YOU? 173 00:05:09,410 --> 00:05:10,811 OR THE MONEY. SHAME. 174 00:05:10,844 --> 00:05:12,746 THERE'S A SPA THERE 175 00:05:12,780 --> 00:05:15,015 WHERE YOU'VE GOT A SWEDE WORKING UPSTAIRS 176 00:05:15,048 --> 00:05:17,485 WHILE THE THAI ONE USES A CHINCHILLA MITTEN 177 00:05:17,518 --> 00:05:19,453 ON THE OLD CRICKET PITCH. 178 00:05:19,487 --> 00:05:20,854 - AH. - ANYWAY... 179 00:05:20,888 --> 00:05:23,791 WHAT YOU DO HAVE IS WORK. 180 00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:25,726 YOU'VE BEEN DROPPING THE BALL A BIT, BUM CHUM. 181 00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:28,061 MY ADVICE: FORGET ABOUT YOUR LIFE. 182 00:05:28,095 --> 00:05:30,631 GET ME A "LIVE RIGHT" STRATEGY. 183 00:05:30,664 --> 00:05:32,666 THANKS FOR COMING BY. 184 00:05:34,435 --> 00:05:35,503 - THIS IS MY OFFICE. 185 00:05:35,536 --> 00:05:36,770 - RIGHT. 186 00:05:36,804 --> 00:05:38,105 LET'S KEEP IT THAT WAY. 187 00:05:52,052 --> 00:05:54,422 - YOU KNOW, I COULD TAKE OFF MY WEDDING RING. 188 00:05:54,455 --> 00:05:55,923 I COULD PUT BRONZER ON THE TAN LINE. 189 00:05:55,956 --> 00:05:57,591 NO ONE WOULD EVEN KNOW. - [whispering] NO! NO! 190 00:05:57,625 --> 00:05:58,726 ALEX! WHAT'S UP, BRO? 191 00:05:58,759 --> 00:06:00,060 - I GOT AN IDEA, SO-- 192 00:06:00,093 --> 00:06:01,429 - NO. OKAY? 193 00:06:01,462 --> 00:06:03,964 SO, SINGLE AND ON THE PROWL. 194 00:06:03,997 --> 00:06:05,666 YOU GOTTA BE PSYCHED, HUH? 195 00:06:05,699 --> 00:06:07,635 - ACTUALLY, MORE THE EXACT OPPOSITE. 196 00:06:07,668 --> 00:06:09,102 - RIGHT, YEAH. NO DIVORCE. 197 00:06:09,136 --> 00:06:11,805 IT'S A, UH, IT'S A BUMMER. 198 00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:13,140 SO LET'S MOVE ON. I GOT A DATE. 199 00:06:13,173 --> 00:06:14,875 HER FRIEND'S CAT DIED. 200 00:06:14,908 --> 00:06:15,876 SHE'S COMING OUT WITH US. 201 00:06:15,909 --> 00:06:17,445 NOW I NEED A WINGMAN. 202 00:06:17,478 --> 00:06:19,447 I MEAN, THIS IS A GREAT OPPORTUNITY 203 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,715 FOR YOU TO JUST SORT OF GET BACK ON THE HORSE. 204 00:06:21,749 --> 00:06:23,851 - AND IF YOU CAN'T DO IT, I COULD TOTALLY DO IT. 205 00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:24,852 - NO, GREG. 206 00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:26,687 YOU CAN'T, OKAY! 207 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:29,623 A MARRIED WINGMAN IS JUST...NO. 208 00:06:29,657 --> 00:06:30,991 - YOU COULD DO TWO WING MEN. 209 00:06:31,024 --> 00:06:32,560 - THAT'S A HORRIBLE IDEA. - UM... 210 00:06:32,593 --> 00:06:33,961 CAN I THINK ABOUT IT? EXCUSE ME A SECOND. 211 00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:36,129 [clears throat] 212 00:06:36,163 --> 00:06:38,466 SO WHAT IF I ASKED YOU PROPERLY? 213 00:06:38,499 --> 00:06:40,434 - ABOUT REVERSE CRAB? I WAS KIDDING. 214 00:06:40,468 --> 00:06:41,835 - UH, EVERYBODY KEEPS TELLING ME 215 00:06:41,869 --> 00:06:43,504 I'M SUPPOSED TO GET BACK ON THE HORSE, 216 00:06:43,537 --> 00:06:45,606 SO I WAS WONDERING IF YOU'D CARE TO BE... 217 00:06:45,639 --> 00:06:47,207 THAT HORSE. 218 00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:48,676 THAT DID NOT COME OUT RIGHT. 219 00:06:48,709 --> 00:06:50,678 - [laughing] - WAS IT THE CRYING? 220 00:06:50,711 --> 00:06:52,012 'CAUSE, I SWEAR, I DON'T USUALLY CRY 221 00:06:52,045 --> 00:06:53,547 AFTER SEX, REALLY. 222 00:06:53,581 --> 00:06:54,915 BEFORE AND DURING, ALMOST ALWAYS. 223 00:06:54,948 --> 00:06:56,750 - WASN'T THAT. I LIKE MEN WHO CRY. 224 00:06:56,784 --> 00:06:57,985 - WELL, THEN, WE SHOULD PROBABLY GET MARRIED. 225 00:06:58,018 --> 00:06:59,587 YOU'RE GONNA BE VERY, VERY HAPPY. 226 00:06:59,620 --> 00:07:01,221 - ALEX, YOU'RE NOT READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP. 227 00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:02,790 WE CAN'T TALK FIVE MINUTES 228 00:07:02,823 --> 00:07:04,124 WITHOUT YOU GOING MAUDLIN OVER YOUR KIDS 229 00:07:04,157 --> 00:07:05,993 OR HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OR CRYING. 230 00:07:06,026 --> 00:07:07,595 - WHICH YOU SAID YOU LIKED. - ALEX... 231 00:07:07,628 --> 00:07:08,896 I DON'T WANT YOU TO TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY. 232 00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:10,498 BUT YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTE MESS. 233 00:07:10,531 --> 00:07:12,633 - I'M A MESS. I'M NOT ABSOLUTE. 234 00:07:12,666 --> 00:07:13,934 - YOU'RE CRYING RIGHT NOW. 235 00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:14,968 ARE YOU AWARE OF THAT? 236 00:07:15,002 --> 00:07:17,137 - WHAT? NO. 237 00:07:17,170 --> 00:07:19,673 OH, GOD. OH, GOD. 238 00:07:19,707 --> 00:07:22,109 OH, IT'S THIS SONG. [The Archies' Sugar Sugar] 239 00:07:22,142 --> 00:07:24,244 OH, MY GOD, MY KIDS USED TO LOVE THIS SONG. 240 00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:27,581 HEH. OH, WE'D DO THIS LITTLE DANCE. 241 00:07:27,615 --> 00:07:30,083 OH, GOD. WHAT IF THAT'S THE HAPPIEST I'M EVER GONNA BE? 242 00:07:30,117 --> 00:07:32,185 - CRYING KIDS, EXISTENTIAL CRISIS. 243 00:07:32,219 --> 00:07:33,687 TWO MINUTES-- A NEW RECORD. 244 00:07:33,721 --> 00:07:35,188 DOESN'T MEAN I'M NOT READY. 245 00:07:35,222 --> 00:07:38,025 - ALEX, MY MAN. - WALTER. 246 00:07:38,058 --> 00:07:40,661 - I BROUGHT THE ONE WHERE I TEST MY SWORDS ON MEATS. 247 00:07:40,694 --> 00:07:42,563 GORGEOUS BLADES. 248 00:07:42,596 --> 00:07:44,164 - PLEASE TELL ME THAT'S NOT A EUPHEMISM. 249 00:07:44,197 --> 00:07:45,933 - UH, WALTER'S BEEN LETTING ME CRASH IN MY OFFICE 250 00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:47,200 TILL MY NEW PLACE IS READY. - AH. 251 00:07:47,234 --> 00:07:48,936 - IT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY COOL. 252 00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:50,938 COUPLE SINGLE GUYS SITTING AROUND TALKING. 253 00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:52,272 MOSTLY ABOUT WEAPONS. 254 00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:53,874 - YEAH, YOU'RE MAKING MY POINT FOR ME. 255 00:07:53,907 --> 00:07:55,175 - AH, HEY. 256 00:07:55,208 --> 00:07:56,677 LONG AS WE'RE BEING HONEST, 257 00:07:56,710 --> 00:07:57,978 WAS IT THE SEX? 258 00:07:58,011 --> 00:07:58,979 - ALEX, STOP. 259 00:07:59,012 --> 00:08:00,681 I KNOW WHAT THIS IS LIKE. 260 00:08:00,714 --> 00:08:01,982 IT'S--IT'S BRUTAL. 261 00:08:02,015 --> 00:08:03,584 BUT YOU'RE GONNA GET THROUGH THIS, 262 00:08:03,617 --> 00:08:04,952 AND YOU'RE GONNA BE A STRONGER PERSON. 263 00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:06,954 I KNOW--I HAD IT ROUGH. BUT NOW, I AM FINE. 264 00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:08,789 - YEAH, APART FROM SOME PROBLEM DRINKING 265 00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:11,258 OCCASIONALLY MIXED IN WITH SOME IMPULSIVE SEXUAL ACTING OUT. 266 00:08:11,291 --> 00:08:13,961 SPEAKING OF WHICH, I JUST HAPPEN TO BE FREE RIGHT NOW 267 00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:15,228 IF YOU'D CARE TO HAVE SEVERAL DRINKS 268 00:08:15,262 --> 00:08:16,997 AND JUST KIND OF SEE WHAT HAPPENS. 269 00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:19,166 - I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD SLEEP TOGETHER. 270 00:08:19,199 --> 00:08:21,702 - TONIGHT'S NOT GOOD, I'M CERTAINLY FREE FOREVER. 271 00:08:21,735 --> 00:08:22,903 - YEAH, EVER AGAIN. 272 00:08:22,936 --> 00:08:24,037 - WHAT, LIKE, EVER? 273 00:08:24,071 --> 00:08:25,238 - UH, YOU REMEMBER 274 00:08:25,272 --> 00:08:26,707 ALL THOSE TIMES BEFORE, 275 00:08:26,740 --> 00:08:28,141 WHEN WE DIDN'T SLEEP TOGETHER? 276 00:08:28,175 --> 00:08:30,578 LIKE THAT. GOOD NIGHT, ALEX! 277 00:08:30,611 --> 00:08:33,146 ENJOY YOUR SWORDS WITH MEATS. 278 00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:34,915 - SIR, DO YOU KNOW WHERE I GET... 279 00:08:34,948 --> 00:08:35,983 - NO, I LIKE THIS ONE. 280 00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:37,851 [cell phone ringing] 281 00:08:37,885 --> 00:08:40,253 - I THINK IT'S RIGHT HERE. 282 00:08:40,287 --> 00:08:41,589 - SO THAT WAS IT? 283 00:08:41,622 --> 00:08:42,923 I WAS JUST--I'M DUMPED? 284 00:08:42,956 --> 00:08:44,792 - ALEX, CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING AMAZING 285 00:08:44,825 --> 00:08:46,627 THAT'S HAPPENED IN THE LAST 15 YEARS? 286 00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:49,196 I MEAN, BESIDES TiVO AND GETTING EMAIL ON A PLANE. 287 00:08:49,229 --> 00:08:51,264 YOU CAN HAVE SEX WITH SOMEBODY 288 00:08:51,298 --> 00:08:53,033 AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH THEM. 289 00:08:53,066 --> 00:08:54,602 - HOW 'BOUT JUST LIKE-- - OH, MY GOD. 290 00:08:54,635 --> 00:08:56,336 - WAS THAT IT? - YES. OH, AND THIS. 291 00:08:56,369 --> 00:08:57,838 - OH, TWO. GREAT. 292 00:08:57,871 --> 00:09:00,007 [scanner beeps] 293 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:01,809 - SO... 294 00:09:01,842 --> 00:09:04,211 VIDEO SWORDS CHOPPING MEAT? 295 00:09:04,244 --> 00:09:06,313 - YEAH. SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT. 296 00:09:07,848 --> 00:09:09,116 - WHEN YOU GONNA COME OUT WITH US? 297 00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:10,718 I MEAN, IT'S BEEN A YEAR SINCE PETE-- 298 00:09:10,751 --> 00:09:11,785 I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S RIGHT TO SAY-- 299 00:09:11,819 --> 00:09:12,886 STOPPED LIVING-- BUT STILL, 300 00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:14,187 WHEN I ASK YOU TO GO CLUBBING, 301 00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:15,322 YOU'RE ALWAYS, LIKE, "MAYBE LATER." 302 00:09:15,355 --> 00:09:16,857 - CLUBS ARE JUST WAREHOUSES 303 00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:18,325 WHERE THEY KEEP THE ASS HATS AT NIGHT. 304 00:09:18,358 --> 00:09:20,227 - WELL, YEAH, BUT WHERE ELSE YOU GONNA MEET GUYS? 305 00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:22,362 YOUR VAGINA DIDN'T DIE OF A HEART CONDITION TOO, DID IT? 306 00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:24,097 I MEAN, THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENS. 307 00:09:24,131 --> 00:09:25,933 WHEN MY GRANDPA DIED, MY GRANDMA DIDN'T GO OUT. 308 00:09:25,966 --> 00:09:27,635 SHE JUST BOUGHT A MINA BIRD AND TAUGHT IT TO SAY THINGS 309 00:09:27,668 --> 00:09:29,703 LIKE, "HI" AND "YOU LOOK NICE"-- 310 00:09:29,737 --> 00:09:30,804 - MAYBE I'LL GO WITH YOU GUYS LATER. 311 00:09:30,838 --> 00:09:32,239 - COOL. 312 00:09:32,272 --> 00:09:33,306 [phone ringing] 313 00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:35,108 - THIS IS HELEN. 314 00:09:35,142 --> 00:09:36,877 - IT'S 'CAUSE WE WORK TOGETHER, ISN'T IT? 315 00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:39,079 SO DID THE CLINTONS. SO DO THE OSBORNES. 316 00:09:39,112 --> 00:09:40,614 SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR AND FREDDIE PRINZE JR. 317 00:09:40,648 --> 00:09:42,115 - THEY DIDN'T WORK TOGETHER. 318 00:09:42,149 --> 00:09:43,984 - EXCUSE ME, THEY WERE WORKING TOGETHER WHEN THEY MET. 319 00:09:44,017 --> 00:09:45,285 SET OF I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER. 320 00:09:45,318 --> 00:09:46,887 AND SINCE THEY'VE GOTTEN MARRIED, 321 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:48,656 THEY'VE DONE BOTH SCOOBY-DOOS TOGETHER. 322 00:09:48,689 --> 00:09:49,857 - SHE DID NOT DO THE SEQUEL. - MONSTERS UNLEASHED? 323 00:09:49,890 --> 00:09:51,158 OF COURSE SHE DID-- IN FACT, 324 00:09:51,191 --> 00:09:52,826 I'M SENDING YOU A LINK TO PROVE IT. 325 00:09:52,860 --> 00:09:54,662 - ALEX, STOP. I HAVE WORK. 326 00:09:54,695 --> 00:09:55,763 - YOU KNOW WHAT? SCREW WORK. 327 00:09:55,796 --> 00:09:57,097 WHAT IS WORK, ANYWAY, 328 00:09:57,130 --> 00:09:58,632 IN THE WHOLE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS? 329 00:09:58,666 --> 00:10:00,100 - BEHIND YOU. - HEY, STEPHEN. 330 00:10:00,133 --> 00:10:02,135 "A LOT" IS WHAT I WAS GONNA TELL THAT PERSON THERE, 331 00:10:02,169 --> 00:10:03,403 AND PARTICULARLY FOR ME, LIVE RIGHT, WHICH, 332 00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:05,005 WOW, WE GOT A MEETING OVER THERE. 333 00:10:05,038 --> 00:10:07,140 - WELL, I WANT YOU TO SEE THIS BEFORE YOU GO. 334 00:10:07,174 --> 00:10:08,909 - AH! AH! 335 00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:10,310 WH-WHAT IS THAT? - IT'S A FLYING DUTCHMAN. 336 00:10:10,343 --> 00:10:12,179 COURSE, IT'S EASY WITH A THIRD PERSON. 337 00:10:12,212 --> 00:10:15,949 EITHER A MAN OR... STURDY FEMALE. 338 00:10:15,983 --> 00:10:18,786 - I STAND CORRECTED. THANK YOU. 339 00:10:18,819 --> 00:10:20,854 FLYING DUTCHMAN, APPARENTLY, IS AN ACTUAL THING. 340 00:10:20,888 --> 00:10:22,389 - AH. - ALEX, UH, 341 00:10:22,422 --> 00:10:24,057 ALL MY OTHER BROS LEFT ME HANGIN', SO... 342 00:10:24,091 --> 00:10:25,926 NEED THAT WINGMAN, BRO. 343 00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:27,160 - I-I DIDN'T LEAVE YOU HANGIN', BRO. 344 00:10:27,194 --> 00:10:28,729 - GREG, SHUT UP. 345 00:10:28,762 --> 00:10:31,031 UH, ALEX WAS SAYING THAT HE WAS READY. 346 00:10:31,064 --> 00:10:33,734 RIGHT, ALEX? 347 00:10:33,767 --> 00:10:35,302 DON'T SAY "SALMONELLA OUTBREAK." 348 00:10:35,335 --> 00:10:37,070 SAY "RECENT INCIDENT." - ANYTHING ELSE BEFORE I GO OUT? 349 00:10:37,104 --> 00:10:38,371 - NO, NO, NO. YOU JUST STICK TO THE TALKING POINTS. 350 00:10:38,405 --> 00:10:40,040 YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE. - BE CONCERNED. 351 00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:42,309 BUT FOLKSY...AND IT'S PRONOUNCED "SAFE-GANIC." 352 00:10:42,342 --> 00:10:44,277 - YEAH, WE'RE BLAMING ORGANIC-STYLE FARMING 353 00:10:44,311 --> 00:10:45,979 FOR THE BAD EGGS, RIGHT? 354 00:10:46,013 --> 00:10:47,748 SO WE'RE SWITCHING TO SAFAGANIC, WHICH IS... 355 00:10:47,781 --> 00:10:49,216 - A WORD WE MADE UP. 356 00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:50,818 [reporters shouting questions] 357 00:10:50,851 --> 00:10:52,252 - GOOD MORNING, AND THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING. 358 00:10:52,285 --> 00:10:54,054 - OKAY, WHY DID YOU SELL ME OUT TO DAN? 359 00:10:54,087 --> 00:10:55,288 - TO MOVE ON. 360 00:10:55,322 --> 00:10:56,389 YOU'RE IN EMOTIONAL TURMOIL. 361 00:10:56,423 --> 00:10:58,025 I'M GONNA HELP YOU 362 00:10:58,058 --> 00:10:59,960 SO YOU WILL STOP BOTHERING ME. 363 00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:00,994 - WHAT, YOU'RE GONNA HELP ME? - YES. 364 00:11:01,028 --> 00:11:03,296 - HOW? 365 00:11:03,330 --> 00:11:05,699 NO. 366 00:11:05,733 --> 00:11:07,835 UH, WHY WOULD A PERSON WEAR THAT? 367 00:11:07,868 --> 00:11:09,703 - BECAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE WILLY LOMAN. 368 00:11:09,737 --> 00:11:11,071 YOU'RE STARTING OVER. 369 00:11:11,104 --> 00:11:14,207 NEW ALEX, NEW IMAGE. 370 00:11:14,241 --> 00:11:15,976 - NO. - WHY? PURPLE IS IN. 371 00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:17,344 - BECAUSE I HAVE NO PLANS TO DJ 372 00:11:17,377 --> 00:11:19,713 AT AN ARMENIAN GANGSTER'S ACQUITTAL PARTY. 373 00:11:19,747 --> 00:11:21,348 - LET'S JUST TRY THIS ONE FIRST. 374 00:11:21,381 --> 00:11:23,316 - UH, I DON'T THINK YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE IN HERE. 375 00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:24,785 - IT'S FASTER, AND IT'S NOT LIKE 376 00:11:24,818 --> 00:11:26,787 I HAVEN'T SEEN EVERYTHING ALREADY. 377 00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:28,355 - OH! JUST REALIZING THAT NOW? 378 00:11:28,388 --> 00:11:30,323 - OKAY, LAST ONE. - DO WE HAVE TO? 379 00:11:30,357 --> 00:11:31,391 - YES. - OH, GREAT. 380 00:11:31,424 --> 00:11:32,960 STEPHEN, WHERE ARE YOU? 381 00:11:32,993 --> 00:11:35,262 - THERE WE GO. IT'S GREAT! NEW ALEX. 382 00:11:35,295 --> 00:11:38,498 - COME ON, I LOOK LIKE JOHN STAMOS'S LAMER BROTHER. 383 00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:39,933 JEFF STAMOS. 384 00:11:39,967 --> 00:11:42,069 I SELL CUSTOMIZED EROTIC STATUARY. 385 00:11:42,102 --> 00:11:43,470 MOM ACTUALLY LIKES ME BEST. 386 00:11:43,503 --> 00:11:46,039 [both laughing] 387 00:11:48,341 --> 00:11:51,278 - * OOH, BABY, TELL ME HOW LONG * 388 00:11:51,311 --> 00:11:53,046 - OKAY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? 389 00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:54,948 - WHAT? NOTHING. 390 00:11:54,982 --> 00:11:56,349 - YOU JUST DID THAT LOOK. 391 00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:57,918 THE... 392 00:11:57,951 --> 00:12:00,153 - I DID NOT. - YEAH, SLOW LEAN-IN THING. 393 00:12:00,187 --> 00:12:02,022 - I--I--WELL, CAN YOU BLAME ME IF I DID? 394 00:12:02,055 --> 00:12:03,757 YOU'RE ALL TOUCHING ME, WE'RE INCHES APART 395 00:12:03,791 --> 00:12:05,158 IN THIS TINY LITTLE ROOM. 396 00:12:05,192 --> 00:12:07,060 - TO HELP YOU PICK OUT CLOTHES FOR YOUR DATE 397 00:12:07,094 --> 00:12:08,829 WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. 398 00:12:08,862 --> 00:12:10,230 SEE, THIS IS WHY MEN AND WOMEN CAN'T BE FRIENDS. 399 00:12:10,263 --> 00:12:11,999 'CAUSE YOU GUYS JUST MISREAD. 400 00:12:12,032 --> 00:12:14,134 - YOU MISREAD--YOU'VE MISREAD THAT I HAVE MISREAD. 401 00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:16,069 - OKAY, WE'RE GONNA NEED TO HAVE, LIKE, A SAFE WORD. 402 00:12:16,103 --> 00:12:17,437 - A SAFE WORD? - MM-HMM. 403 00:12:17,470 --> 00:12:18,806 IF YOU GET CONFUSED 404 00:12:18,839 --> 00:12:20,007 IN A SITUATION LIKE JUST NOW, 405 00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:21,809 YOU JUST SAY THE WORD, AND THEN-- 406 00:12:21,842 --> 00:12:23,010 - I SAY, LIKE, "POTATO" OR SOMETHING? 407 00:12:23,043 --> 00:12:24,444 - FINE, YOU CAN SAY "POTATO." 408 00:12:24,477 --> 00:12:25,879 AND THEN WE'LL PAUSE, 409 00:12:25,913 --> 00:12:27,247 AND WE'LL TAKE A DEEP BREATH 410 00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:28,949 AND WE'LL JUST BE BACK TO FRIENDS. 411 00:12:28,982 --> 00:12:30,483 OKAY? - OKAY... 412 00:12:30,517 --> 00:12:31,952 - AND NOW WE'RE LATE. 413 00:12:31,985 --> 00:12:34,121 - P.R. BASICS: EMPHASIZE THE POSITIVES. 414 00:12:34,154 --> 00:12:36,256 GET 'EM OUT FRONT, BURY THE NEGATIVES. 415 00:12:36,289 --> 00:12:38,826 - HI. SORRY WE'RE LATE. TRAFFIC. 416 00:12:38,859 --> 00:12:41,561 LOOKS AND BAGGAGE? WHAT CLIENT IS THIS? 417 00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:44,297 - OH, GOD. THIS IS ME, ISN'T IT? 418 00:12:44,331 --> 00:12:45,833 - WE'RE ALL SUPER-EXCITED 419 00:12:45,866 --> 00:12:47,300 THAT YOU'RE JUMPING BACK ON THAT HORSE. 420 00:12:47,334 --> 00:12:49,336 NOW, SINCE YOU'RE GONNA BE MY WINGMAN, 421 00:12:49,369 --> 00:12:50,938 AND I'M DEPENDING ON YOU TO HELP ME GET LAID, 422 00:12:50,971 --> 00:12:52,439 WE DECIDED TO COME UP WITH A LITTLE STRATEGY. 423 00:12:52,472 --> 00:12:53,874 - PERFECT. HE NEEDS THIS. 424 00:12:53,907 --> 00:12:55,408 - WHAT? NO, NO, NO, NO. GUYS, REALLY. 425 00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:57,244 - SEE, HE'S NOT UP FOR IT. - DAMN IT, GREG! 426 00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:59,079 - I HAVEN'T BEEN OUT OF THE HOUSE WITHOUT MY FAMILY 427 00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:00,313 SINCE 2009. 428 00:13:00,347 --> 00:13:02,149 - JUST...HELEN, YOU BE A WOMAN, OKAY? 429 00:13:02,182 --> 00:13:03,817 WE'LL RUN THROUGH THE TALKING POINTS. 430 00:13:03,851 --> 00:13:06,453 ASK HIM HOW IT IS GOING? 431 00:13:06,486 --> 00:13:08,221 - HOW IS IT GOING? 432 00:13:08,255 --> 00:13:09,923 - UH, YOU KNOW, THINGS ARE A BIT ROUGH. 433 00:13:09,957 --> 00:13:11,491 AND MIGHT SAY ABSURD. 434 00:13:11,524 --> 00:13:12,559 - NO, TRY THIS. 435 00:13:12,592 --> 00:13:14,127 "THINGS ARE A BIT AWESOME, 436 00:13:14,161 --> 00:13:15,929 AND I MIGHT BUY AN AUDI." 437 00:13:15,963 --> 00:13:17,430 CONFIDENCE. CONCEPT NUMBER ONE. 438 00:13:17,464 --> 00:13:19,332 - I JUST DON'T FEEL PARTICULARLY CONFIDENT. 439 00:13:19,366 --> 00:13:21,034 - SO PRETEND. - I'M NOT A VERY GOOD LIAR. 440 00:13:21,068 --> 00:13:22,269 - SO NATURALLY YOU CHOSE A CAREER IN CORPORATE 441 00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:23,837 PUBLIC RELATIONS. 442 00:13:23,871 --> 00:13:25,472 - WELL, I WANTED TO BE A MUSIC JOURNALIST. 443 00:13:25,505 --> 00:13:26,473 - REALLY? 444 00:13:26,506 --> 00:13:27,507 THAT IS SO COOL. 445 00:13:27,540 --> 00:13:28,909 - IT WAS, ACTUALLY. 446 00:13:28,942 --> 00:13:30,110 HAD MY OWN LITTLE COLUMN AND LITTLE-- 447 00:13:30,143 --> 00:13:31,211 - SEE? LYING, EASY. 448 00:13:31,244 --> 00:13:32,245 I SHOULD HAVE THIS JOB. 449 00:13:32,279 --> 00:13:33,847 - ALL RIGHT, NEXT POINT. 450 00:13:33,881 --> 00:13:35,582 - "BANTER"? - EMMA, YOU'RE A WOMAN. SIT. 451 00:13:35,615 --> 00:13:36,583 - DO I HAVE TO? 452 00:13:36,616 --> 00:13:38,085 SHE HATES ME. 453 00:13:38,118 --> 00:13:39,586 - SO WIN HER OVER WITH YOUR BANTER. 454 00:13:39,619 --> 00:13:42,055 - ASK HER IF SHE'S EVER BEEN TO A NUDE BEACH. 455 00:13:42,089 --> 00:13:44,224 IT'S A REALLY FUN ICE BREAKER. 456 00:13:44,257 --> 00:13:46,359 I READ IT IN MARIE CLAIRE. 457 00:13:46,393 --> 00:13:48,028 - JUST ASK HER ABOUT HER HAIR. 458 00:13:48,061 --> 00:13:50,030 THEY LOVE TO TALK ABOUT THEIR HAIR. 459 00:13:50,063 --> 00:13:52,900 - OR ASK HER IF SHE'S EVER HAD ANY FLYING DREAMS. 460 00:13:52,933 --> 00:13:55,235 IT'S A SIGN SHE LIKES SEXUAL CONTROL. 461 00:13:56,269 --> 00:13:57,871 - WHAT? SELF. 462 00:13:57,905 --> 00:13:59,539 LADIES, THESE ARE YOUR MAGAZINES. 463 00:13:59,572 --> 00:14:01,374 - JUST BE WITTY. ASK QUESTIONS. 464 00:14:01,408 --> 00:14:03,143 AVOID DRAMA AND DON'T CRY. 465 00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:05,278 - I THOUGHT WOMEN LIKED MEN THAT CRIED. 466 00:14:05,312 --> 00:14:06,947 [laughter] 467 00:14:06,980 --> 00:14:09,416 - [forced laugh] - WHERE DID YOU GET THAT? 468 00:14:09,449 --> 00:14:11,318 - OKAY, UM...BANTER. 469 00:14:11,351 --> 00:14:13,053 UM... 470 00:14:13,086 --> 00:14:14,587 UM, CHINESE CHICKEN SALAD. 471 00:14:14,621 --> 00:14:17,024 IS THAT A SALAD MADE WITH CHINESE CHICKEN, 472 00:14:17,057 --> 00:14:20,160 OR IS THAT A CHICKEN SALAD MADE IN A CHINESE STYLE? 473 00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:22,395 - AND NO SEX FOR YOU. GOOD-BYE. 474 00:14:24,231 --> 00:14:26,033 - I THINK YOU'RE BASICALLY READY. 475 00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:30,003 [vacuum cleaner humming] 476 00:14:30,037 --> 00:14:31,338 - [grunting] 477 00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:33,974 REPLICA BROADSWORD, CIRCA 300 A.D. 478 00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:35,375 IF YOU LIVED IN WHAT IS NOW FRANCE, 479 00:14:35,408 --> 00:14:37,344 THIS IS WHAT YOU'D BE UP AGAINST. 480 00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:38,378 - HMM. 481 00:14:38,411 --> 00:14:40,047 - NICE SHIRT. 482 00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:41,548 YOU GOT A DATE OR SOMETHING? 483 00:14:41,581 --> 00:14:44,284 - YEAH, AND I'M TOTALLY FREAKIN' OUT. 484 00:14:44,317 --> 00:14:46,286 [scoffs] I HAVE A DATE. 485 00:14:46,319 --> 00:14:48,088 I'M A MIDDLE-AGED MAN. I FAILED MY MARRIAGE. 486 00:14:48,121 --> 00:14:49,990 AND WHAT THE HELL-- WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING? 487 00:14:50,023 --> 00:14:52,692 - YOU'RE PICKING YOURSELF UP AND YOU'RE STARTING OVER. 488 00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:55,262 A MAN IS NOT FINISHED WHEN HE'S DEFEATED. 489 00:14:55,295 --> 00:14:57,664 HE IS FINISHED WHEN HE QUITS. 490 00:14:58,966 --> 00:15:01,268 RICHARD NIXON. 491 00:15:01,301 --> 00:15:03,403 FROM WHEN BEFORE HE QUIT, SO IT'S BASICALLY VALID. 492 00:15:03,436 --> 00:15:05,072 [grunting on TV] 493 00:15:05,105 --> 00:15:07,007 CAN YOU IMAGINE BEING IN A VISIGOTH, 494 00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:08,441 AND YOU SEE THAT COMING AT YOU? 495 00:15:08,475 --> 00:15:09,977 PLEASE! 496 00:15:10,010 --> 00:15:12,179 - [crunching] 497 00:15:12,212 --> 00:15:15,182 [The Black Keys' Tighten Up] 498 00:15:15,215 --> 00:15:17,684 * 499 00:15:17,717 --> 00:15:19,619 - * I WANTED LOVE 500 00:15:19,652 --> 00:15:22,189 * I NEEDED LOVE 501 00:15:22,222 --> 00:15:24,324 * MOST OF ALL 502 00:15:24,357 --> 00:15:26,526 * MOST OF ALL 503 00:15:26,559 --> 00:15:29,062 * SOMEONE SAID TRUE LOVE WAS DEAD * 504 00:15:29,096 --> 00:15:31,631 - 9, 10, 11, 12, 505 00:15:31,664 --> 00:15:34,367 13...14... 506 00:15:34,401 --> 00:15:35,668 15, 16, 17, 18, 507 00:15:35,702 --> 00:15:37,337 19, 20, 21. 508 00:15:37,370 --> 00:15:38,972 OKAY, 21. 509 00:15:39,006 --> 00:15:40,007 21 IS NOT... 510 00:15:43,310 --> 00:15:44,377 DAMN IT. 511 00:15:48,215 --> 00:15:50,583 - HEY, YOU EXCITED ABOUT TONIGHT? 512 00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:53,220 IT MUST BE EXCITING, I MEAN, 'CAUSE IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT, 513 00:15:53,253 --> 00:15:55,722 YOU CAN GO OUT AND SLEEP WITH ANYBODY YOU WANT. 514 00:15:55,755 --> 00:15:57,057 ANYONE AT ALL. 515 00:15:57,090 --> 00:15:58,358 LIKE AN ASIAN. 516 00:15:58,391 --> 00:15:59,392 RIGHT? 517 00:15:59,426 --> 00:16:00,727 - HEY, YOU READY? 518 00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:02,162 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, THIS IS, UH, 519 00:16:02,195 --> 00:16:03,563 THIS IS FOR REAL, SO... 520 00:16:03,596 --> 00:16:05,565 IF YOU'RE STILL, UH, IFFY OR-- 521 00:16:05,598 --> 00:16:07,134 OR MAYBE FEEL LIKE CRYIN', 522 00:16:07,167 --> 00:16:09,202 JUST...DON'T, YOU KNOW? 523 00:16:09,236 --> 00:16:12,139 JUST...BOTTLE IT UP. 524 00:16:12,172 --> 00:16:13,640 - I'M READY. - AND DON'T BE SAD. 525 00:16:13,673 --> 00:16:15,342 HAVE FUN. 526 00:16:15,375 --> 00:16:16,376 - THANKS. OKAY. 527 00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:20,713 - I'M NOT GONNA GET THIS ONE. IT'S TOO SWEET. 528 00:16:20,747 --> 00:16:22,382 - HERE, HONEY, TAKE THE LIST. WHAT ABOUT SOME TURKEY... 529 00:16:22,415 --> 00:16:23,683 - SO HAVING A PARTY? 530 00:16:26,286 --> 00:16:28,221 - OKAY, ENOUGH. 531 00:16:28,255 --> 00:16:29,689 - SORRY. - NO, I COME IN HERE. 532 00:16:29,722 --> 00:16:31,424 I SEE YOU LOOKING AT ME. LOOKING AT MY STUFF. 533 00:16:31,458 --> 00:16:32,692 NO, I DON'T HAVE TO... 534 00:16:32,725 --> 00:16:34,694 EXPLAIN ANYTHING TO YOU...MARVIN. 535 00:16:34,727 --> 00:16:36,796 SO JUST KEEP YOUR JUDGMENTS TO YOURSELF, 536 00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:38,098 AND COMPUTE THE STUFF. 537 00:16:38,131 --> 00:16:39,399 - HI. IS THERE A PROBLEM? 538 00:16:39,432 --> 00:16:41,668 - NO, THERE'S NO PROBLEM WHATSOEVER. 539 00:16:41,701 --> 00:16:43,503 AS I'VE BEEN TRYING TO EXPLAIN TO MARVIN HERE, 540 00:16:43,536 --> 00:16:46,373 I AM BUYING WINE AND FROZEN PORK MEDALLIONS 541 00:16:46,406 --> 00:16:49,342 AND SHERBET AND WINE. 542 00:16:49,376 --> 00:16:51,111 I'M NOT HAVING A PARTY. 543 00:16:51,144 --> 00:16:52,412 I'M GONNA EAT MY PORK MEDALLIONS 544 00:16:52,445 --> 00:16:54,514 AND MY SHERBET AND DRINK MY WINE ALONE. 545 00:16:54,547 --> 00:16:56,483 OKAY? SO WHAT? 546 00:16:56,516 --> 00:16:59,219 [laughs] I'M FINE WITH THAT! 547 00:16:59,252 --> 00:17:00,620 OKAY? I'M FINE! 548 00:17:00,653 --> 00:17:02,455 [bottles clinking] 549 00:17:02,489 --> 00:17:04,157 YOU GOING TO A PARTY, MARVIN? 550 00:17:04,191 --> 00:17:05,158 - NO. 551 00:17:05,192 --> 00:17:06,359 [ABBA's Fernando] 552 00:17:06,393 --> 00:17:08,661 - * EVERY HOUR, EVERY MINUTE 553 00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:11,098 * SEEMED TO LAST ETERNALLY 554 00:17:11,131 --> 00:17:13,266 * 555 00:17:13,300 --> 00:17:18,138 * I WAS SO AFRAID, FERNANDO 556 00:17:18,171 --> 00:17:19,806 * WE WERE YOUNG AND FULL OF LIFE * 557 00:17:19,839 --> 00:17:22,809 - OH, PETE. 558 00:17:22,842 --> 00:17:26,213 I KNOW, I'M SORRY. BUT IT'S TIME. 559 00:17:26,246 --> 00:17:30,617 - * AND CANNONS ALMOST MADE ME CRY * 560 00:17:30,650 --> 00:17:32,585 - YOU GOT IT, YOU GOT IT, YOU GOT IT! 561 00:17:32,619 --> 00:17:35,088 [laughter and chatter] 562 00:17:35,122 --> 00:17:36,356 - [sighs] 563 00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:37,657 - SO HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HERE? 564 00:17:37,690 --> 00:17:40,160 [chatter continues indistinctly] 565 00:17:40,193 --> 00:17:42,195 - * AH, SUGAR, SUGAR 566 00:17:42,229 --> 00:17:44,364 * 567 00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:45,798 * YOU ARE MY CANDY GIRL 568 00:17:45,832 --> 00:17:47,534 - OH, COME ON. 569 00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:48,835 - HEY, ALEX! [whistles] 570 00:17:48,868 --> 00:17:51,204 WHAT'S UP, BRO? - HEY. 571 00:17:51,238 --> 00:17:52,672 - THIS IS MY FRIEND SUSAN. - HI. 572 00:17:52,705 --> 00:17:54,374 - AND HER FRIEND JULIE. 573 00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:58,311 - HI. - WHOSE CAT HAS DIED. 574 00:17:58,345 --> 00:18:00,313 - YEAH. I HEARD. 575 00:18:00,347 --> 00:18:02,249 - YEAH, UM... - I'M VERY SORRY. 576 00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:04,751 - HI. - HI. 577 00:18:06,786 --> 00:18:08,421 - I LIKE YOUR SHIRT. 578 00:18:09,522 --> 00:18:10,490 - REALLY? 579 00:18:10,523 --> 00:18:13,760 [cell phone ringing] 580 00:18:13,793 --> 00:18:15,862 - UH... I-I'M... 581 00:18:15,895 --> 00:18:17,530 WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME ONE SECOND? 582 00:18:17,564 --> 00:18:19,166 JUST ONE SECOND. 583 00:18:19,199 --> 00:18:20,167 [beep] 584 00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:22,269 HI. SO I JUST GOT HERE. 585 00:18:22,302 --> 00:18:23,636 BUT, UH... I CAN REPORT 586 00:18:23,670 --> 00:18:24,904 THAT, FOR A CAT LADY, 587 00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:26,473 SHE... 588 00:18:26,506 --> 00:18:29,709 I'M SORRY, IS THAT ABBA? 589 00:18:29,742 --> 00:18:32,545 HEY. HEY. ARE YOU OKAY? 590 00:18:32,579 --> 00:18:34,347 - WELL, SORRY, I... 591 00:18:34,381 --> 00:18:35,382 RUINED YOUR DATE. 592 00:18:35,415 --> 00:18:36,416 - NO, NO, NO. REALLY. 593 00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:37,917 IT'S FINE. - MM. 594 00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:39,386 WAS IT AWFUL? 595 00:18:39,419 --> 00:18:40,853 SHE HAD BIG BONES? 596 00:18:40,887 --> 00:18:43,223 SHE WAS LIKE A BIG-BONED GIRL? 597 00:18:43,256 --> 00:18:45,792 - NO. SHE WAS ACTUALLY REALLY ATTRACTIVE. 598 00:18:45,825 --> 00:18:47,827 JUST...YOU SOUNDED PRETTY UPSET ON THE PHONE. 599 00:18:47,860 --> 00:18:50,763 - NO, I SHOULD NOT HAVE EVEN CALLED YOU. 600 00:18:50,797 --> 00:18:52,499 YOU SHOULD GO BACK TO YOUR--YOUR DATE. 601 00:18:52,532 --> 00:18:54,401 [clink] 'CAUSE I'M FINE. 602 00:18:54,434 --> 00:18:55,935 - YOU DIDN'T SOUND FINE. 603 00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:57,704 - WELL, I AM FINE NOW. 604 00:18:57,737 --> 00:18:58,905 [clatter] UHH! 605 00:18:58,938 --> 00:19:00,740 - AFTER DRINKING WINE 606 00:19:00,773 --> 00:19:02,909 AND PLAYING FERNANDO REPEATEDLY ALL NIGHT LONG. 607 00:19:02,942 --> 00:19:06,213 - NO, I'M--I'M FINE. 608 00:19:06,246 --> 00:19:07,814 [wine pouring] I MEAN, THAT HAPPENED. 609 00:19:09,349 --> 00:19:10,950 YOU SHOULD GO BACK TO YOUR CAT LADY. 610 00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:12,519 - OH, NO, NO, NO. PLEASE NO. 611 00:19:12,552 --> 00:19:14,821 - MM. MM? - I-I JUST... 612 00:19:14,854 --> 00:19:15,955 [sighs] 613 00:19:15,988 --> 00:19:17,390 I WAS OUTSIDE THE RESTAURANT 614 00:19:17,424 --> 00:19:19,392 COMPLETELY FREAKING OUT THIS EVENING. 615 00:19:19,426 --> 00:19:20,493 I MEAN, NOT ONLY COULDN'T I BANTER, 616 00:19:20,527 --> 00:19:22,262 BUT, UH, I CRIED. 617 00:19:22,295 --> 00:19:24,531 I CRIED. SO, UH, YOU WERE RIGHT. 618 00:19:24,564 --> 00:19:26,799 I'M--I'M NOT READY. I'M WAY TOO RAW. 619 00:19:26,833 --> 00:19:28,568 AND I'M AN ABSOLUTE MESS. 620 00:19:28,601 --> 00:19:29,869 OKAY? 621 00:19:29,902 --> 00:19:31,471 [Fernando playing softly] 622 00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:33,340 AND SO ARE YOU. 623 00:19:33,373 --> 00:19:35,242 WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE? 624 00:19:35,275 --> 00:19:36,776 - OH, I COULDN'T DO IT. 625 00:19:36,809 --> 00:19:38,845 - YOU MEAN, LIKE, PHYSICALLY OR EMOTIONALLY? 626 00:19:38,878 --> 00:19:40,313 - IT WAS JUST... 627 00:19:40,347 --> 00:19:42,315 TOO HEAVY. 628 00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:44,251 - STILL NOT A CLEAR ANSWER. 629 00:19:44,284 --> 00:19:46,519 - HE DIED A YEAR AGO. 630 00:19:46,553 --> 00:19:47,554 YOU'RE RIGHT. 631 00:19:47,587 --> 00:19:49,889 IT'S...NOT NORMAL. 632 00:19:49,922 --> 00:19:52,292 HIS PHOTOS. 633 00:19:52,325 --> 00:19:54,361 SO I TRIED TO TAKE THE BIG ONE DOWN, 634 00:19:54,394 --> 00:19:57,430 AND THEN...THE FLOORBOARDS WERE UNEVEN. 635 00:19:58,731 --> 00:20:00,467 - I UNDERSTAND. 636 00:20:02,669 --> 00:20:04,804 - * IN THE FIRELIGHT, FERNANDO * 637 00:20:04,837 --> 00:20:06,339 - SO, I'M NOT SURE 638 00:20:06,373 --> 00:20:07,674 WHAT YOU THINK FERNANDO IS ABOUT. 639 00:20:07,707 --> 00:20:09,276 I-I JUST, UH... 640 00:20:09,309 --> 00:20:11,478 IT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT TWO OLD MEXICAN MEN 641 00:20:11,511 --> 00:20:14,781 WHO ARE REMINISCING ABOUT THE MEXICAN-AMERICAN WAR. 642 00:20:14,814 --> 00:20:18,318 SO...IT, UH... 643 00:20:19,686 --> 00:20:20,787 OKAY. POTATO. 644 00:20:20,820 --> 00:20:23,890 [birds chirping] 645 00:20:23,923 --> 00:20:26,459 - WE NEED A BETTER SAFE WORD. 646 00:20:27,026 --> 00:20:29,396 - THEY LOVED ME. I WAS A GREAT WINGMAN. 647 00:20:29,429 --> 00:20:30,663 - SHOWING PICTURES OF YOUR KIDS 648 00:20:30,697 --> 00:20:31,864 IS NOT WINGMANNING. 649 00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:35,302 IT IS LIKE THE OPPOSITE OF WINGMANNING! 650 00:20:35,335 --> 00:20:37,637 DUDE! YOU SCREWED ME, MAN. 651 00:20:37,670 --> 00:20:39,639 I HAD TO CALL HIM. HE RUINED THE WHOLE OPERATION. 652 00:20:39,672 --> 00:20:41,608 - WHAT CAN I SAY? I HAD TO HELP OUT A FRIEND. 653 00:20:41,641 --> 00:20:44,411 - HEY, DAN, JULIE TEXTED ME PICTURES OF HER CAT. 654 00:20:44,444 --> 00:20:46,413 - DUDE, IT'S OFFICIAL. YOU'RE HOPELESS. 655 00:20:46,446 --> 00:20:48,715 - [laughing] - WELL, LEAST IT'S OFFICIAL. 656 00:20:48,748 --> 00:20:50,283 - YEAH, THAT'S THE TOUGH PART, 657 00:20:50,317 --> 00:20:52,552 IS NOT KNOWING THE OFFICIAL STATUS. 658 00:20:52,585 --> 00:20:54,421 - YES, I'LL TELL HIM YOU CALLED. 659 00:20:54,454 --> 00:20:55,555 SOME GUY NAMED DAVE CALLED. 660 00:20:55,588 --> 00:20:57,790 - THANK YOU. 661 00:20:57,824 --> 00:20:59,592 - ALEX, THANK YOU... 662 00:20:59,626 --> 00:21:02,429 FOR...YOU KNOW. 663 00:21:02,462 --> 00:21:04,464 I MEAN, I-- I MEAN, NOT FOR THAT. 664 00:21:04,497 --> 00:21:05,632 - NO, NO. I KNOW. 665 00:21:05,665 --> 00:21:06,833 - YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. 666 00:21:06,866 --> 00:21:08,468 - YEAH. SURE. 667 00:21:10,403 --> 00:21:11,371 - POTATO. - RIGHT. 668 00:21:11,404 --> 00:21:12,739 - POTATO. - YEAH. 669 00:21:13,973 --> 00:21:15,308 THANK YOU. - SURE. 670 00:21:15,342 --> 00:21:16,609 - OKAY. 671 00:21:18,978 --> 00:21:20,547 - SO BE IT. 45933

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