Original subtitles

Thank you.

Tattoo? Tattoo?

Right here.

Tattoo, is that really you?

Yes, but I really fooled you, didn't I?

Oh, you certainly did.

But may I ask what you are doing inside a fire hydrant?

I'm camouflage.

Camouflage, of course.

But may I ask why you want to camouflage yourself as a fire hydrant?

I'm taking a mail order course on how to become a secret agent.

A secret agent.

Lesson number one. How to be seen without being seen.

Truly amazing.

You love it, boss, right?

Wait till you see the others.

I've got millions of them.

I can hardly wait.

And our guests can't wait either. So, shall we go now?

Smile, everyone.

Smile.

Pretty girls.

Who are they, boss?

The young lady in the red blouse is Miss Mark Atkins. With her is her longtime

friend and roommate, Miss Kathy Wilton. They work as chocolate dippers in a

candy factory in Louisville, Kentucky.

Sweet job.

What sort of fantasy?

One of glamour and excitement, the two. For this weekend, Miss Atkins and Miss

Wilton wish to become cheerleaders for the Louisville Titans football team.

The Titans cheerleaders?

Oh, they are some of the most beautiful girls in the world.

Oh, indeed they are, my friend.

Are they really here on the island?

Yes. Hmm.

You think Miss Wilton and Miss Atkins wouldn't mind if I showed them around?

Tattoo a little decorum, shall we, please?

Huh?

Oh, I believe this next gentleman's fantasy will also interest you.

I wouldn't bet on it.

Cheerleaders. Mr. Melvin Muse, a truck driver who hails all the way from

Wichita, Kansas. Mr. Muse's fantasy is to spend this weekend alone with a woman

he has loved for the last 12 years.

What's the big deal about that?

The big deal about that is that she is Miss Liz Merrill, otherwise known as the

Hollywood sex goddess, and Miss Merrill doesn't even know Mr. Muse is alive.

That's what the big deal about it is.

Liz Merrill?

Yes, uh -huh. Boss, she's everyone's fantasy.

She's even better than 15 cheerleaders.

You see?

My dear guests, I am Mr. Rourke, your host. Welcome to Fantasy Island.

Magnifique. Agreed. You, Mr. Muse, look like a man born to the water.

Well, thank you, thank you. And thank you for these swell -looking duds.

But it beats me how you knew my sizes.

On Fantasy Island, we know many things.

Yeah, yeah, I guess so.

Oh, relax, Mr. Muse, relax.

I'm certain Miss Merrill will be along momentarily.

Oh, uh...

These are the directions to your destination.

You may open the envelope two hours after casting off, if not before.

Anything you say, Mr. Rourke.

Two hours?

Yes. But how do I know which direction I'm supposed to be heading?

North or south?

Fine. No, I mean, which direction?

Pick one that pleases you. I'm sure it will be fine.

Pick the one?

Well, that's kind of crazy, Mr. Rourke.

I mean, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but I'm a truck driver.

Anybody with any kind of sense knows that you just don't go heading out in a

direction unless you know which way you're going. I warned you, Mr. Muse.

would be times, if your fantasy was to be fulfilled, when you would have to

trust and obey my instructions implicitly. Or have you forgotten?

Yeah, but what instructions?

I mean, you didn't tell me which way to go.

Boss?

Oh, excuse me.

Ah, lovely Miss Merrill. It's so nice to see you again.

May I introduce your guide, Mr. Melvin Nunes?

How do you do?

How do you do, Miss Merrill?

This is a real honor for me. I've seen every one of your pictures at least

twice. When you said a boat, I had no idea you meant a boat.

Oh, I am terribly sorry, Miss Merrill. The yacht I had hoped to provide

developed engine trouble.

Though it is a trifle small, I must admit, I am certain that this vessel

get you to your destination safely. But a star of my international stature can

hardly be... Dickens, can't you be more careful? That wig cost me a bloody

fortune.

Servants.

She sounds like she got out on the wrong side of the bed.

Possibly, possibly.

Well, Mr. Muse, now that you have met the girl of your dreams, what do you

think?

She looks a little different, closer.

Really? In what way?

Well, she's kind of older.

You want to change places?

No, no, no, don't get me wrong. I still think that she's the...

The greatest woman I ever saw.

Well, when do we leave? Immediately, if you wish.

Yes, I certainly do. Mr. Muse?

Miss Merrill?

Why don't you sit right there, Miss Merrill?

Right there.

I'm just glad my fans can't see me now.

Yes, well... Cast off!

Well, uh, bon voyage.

She's not a very pleasant woman.

I don't think it's what Mr. Mews expected.

I doubt if this weekend is going to be what either of our guests had expected.

Do me a favor. Will you, Kathy?

Sure.

Pinch me to make sure I'm awake.

Pinch yourself. I'm fresh out of hand.

Okay, let's go.

Perfecto! That's all for today.

Here we go.

If only the folks back in Louisville could see us now.

Marge, look out!

Way to go.

May I have the ball?

Huh? The ball.

Oh, the ball.

Here.

Thanks.

If you ever get tired of being a cheerleader, we can always use another

receiver.

Hey.

Do you know who that was?

Roger Mosley.

The Roger Mosley.

And he talked to me.

Right at me.

It was the only way to get his ball back.

Ten to one odds, Mosley gets traded before the season opens.

How do you figure that?

I figure that because his passing game stinks.

That's your opinion.

Also the coach's opinion.

I got it straight from the horse's mouth.

Excuse me, ladies. I saw you talking to my quarterback.

I hope that doesn't happen again.

What do you mean?

What do I mean? What you want about my non -fraternization policy?

Look, I got a football team to get ready for the season opener. I don't want

these men thinking about anything except football. You understand?

Cheerleaders are not allowed to fraternize with your players?

You're not even allowed to talk to them. Get caught and you're out.

Just when I was beginning to enjoy my fantasy.

What are you talking about?

Roger Mosley.

I can't even talk to him.

So?

You promised not to tell.

I've had a crush on Roger Moseley since he played in college.

But Marge, you have a crush on half the football players and movie stars in the

world. Well, it's different with Roger.

Now the only two days I have to be close to him, I can't even talk to him.

But Marge, did you see the way Mrs. Hoyt was looking at us?

I think maybe we have a chance to be cheerleaders even after our fantasy.

And maybe Coach Alden will relax some of his rules once the season starts.

But even if he does, even if we do make it as cheerleaders, by then it'll be too

late. Roger will have been traded to Buffalo.

As far as I'm concerned, Loving at Dusk is the greatest movie that you ever

made. I watch that on a late TV show all the time.

You know, I'll never forget that scene where that weird congressman trapped you

in his office.

What was it you said to him?

You said, uh, I thought you were conservative.

That one really put me away.

How come you never went to Alaska?

I mean, I would have given it to you in a flash for his Venetian lady.

By the way, you played a fallen lady. That was really something.

Miss Merrill, this is really an honor for me to be here alone with you.

Is it all right if I call you Liz?

Miss Merrill will do just fine, thank you.

Anything you say, Miss Merrill?

Oh,

arms.

Should have held out for a yacht instead of this motorized kayak.

What did you say your name is?

Muse.

Melvin Muse.

Well, Mr. Melvin Muse is the alleged skipper of this.

Alleged boat. I would like to lodge a complaint. Several complaints, as a

of fact.

First, this boat is too small.

And second, that sun up there is causing me to break out in freckles.

Third, I have an overwhelming thirst for a ridiculously dry martini. I never

thought to bring any liquor aboard.

When do we reach our destination?

I don't know.

Mr. Ork gave me...

This envelope with sealed instructions inside.

Sealed inside?

Well, open it, man. Open it.

Oh, no, no. Mr. Rourke told me not to open it for a full two hours.

Okay. So I promised not to turn informer. Now open it.

Well, what does it say?

There's nothing.

It's blank.

You don't know where we're going.

Mr. Rock must have made a mistake.

Now what?

What a guess.

Well, put some more in, you idiot.

I don't think there is any more.

What do you mean you don't think there's any more around? There's got to be some

more around. We can't be stranded out here.

Mr. Rourke wouldn't dare do such a thing to me.

You know something, Kathy?

That sports writer who said Roger's passing game stinks is absolutely right.

He is throwing all wrong.

What are you talking about?

Well, take a good look.

Roger's throwing sidearm, and he's only taking three steps back.

I see what you mean, but so what?

I told you I watched him since college, and when he played his best, he always

took five steps back and threw over the top.

Oh, well.

I guess I can always quit my job and move to Buffalo when Roger gets traded.

Buffalo? What about me?

I'm your roommate.

Well, I know, but I can't abandon Roger.

Gal's got to do what she's got to do.

Maybe there's another way.

You have a very devious look in your eye, Kathy Wilton. I have more than

have a devious idea.

Come on, do as I do.

How

long

do you think we're going to get away with this?

Just long enough for you to talk to Roger Mosley.

I hope.

Let's try the tackling dummy.

You're sure you don't know anything about our destination?

I'm sorry, Miss Merrill. Well, how about my fantasy?

Did Mr. Rook say anything about that?

I don't know.

Uh, what is your fantasy?

What have I got to lose?

To begin at the beginning, my newest picture just was released in New York

Yeah!

40 House Blues!

Oh, sounds like a real winner.

Now, of your information, it's a real loser.

People are staying away in droves. Of course, it's not my fault. The picture

edited and scored entirely wrong.

I kept telling the studio, but they wouldn't listen.

Your fantasy is to make 40 House Blues a hit, huh?

In a manner of speaking, yes.

To be precise, my fantasy is to be marooned on a deserted island.

But why?

Publicity, you idiot. Why else? Once my disappearance creates international

headlines, my loyal fans will flock to the box office, and I'll be spared the

indignity of starring in another cinematic bomb.

Four duds in a row, thanks to Monument Pictures.

Well, can't you do something?

I'm doing the best I can, Miss Merrill.

What are you complaining about?

You're about as marooned as you can get.

This way, Bob.

Tattoo?

Right here in the haystack.

What the... Ah, yes, of course. Another camouflage,

right? Hi, Bob.

How do you like it? Tattoo, it's absolutely terrible.

That disguise wouldn't fool anyone.

one with any intelligence.

to turn back now. Go, go, go.

Let's go. Ready. Come on. If only I could get Roger's attention.

Set. Go.

Go, go, go. Move back.

Oh, good.

Luchowski, get up. What in the name of me, Joe Green, do you think you're

I've only been doing what you told me to do, coach.

Kill the quarterback.

to become part of this Mickey Mouse expedition, I'll never know.

I thought it was for publicity.

Who asked you?

Where are we?

I can see that.

Oh, great.

I lost the compass.

I suppose it's my fault.

Well, don't just swim there. Do something.

I am going to do something.

What? Something I... I would have bet my life on I would have never done four

hours ago.

And that's to tell you to shut up!

if this is what Mr. Rourke has in mind for you.

Of course not.

Then I'd be met by a retinue of servants with ground transportation.

Yoo -hoo!

We're here!

Hello!

Well, they're late getting here, I guess.

But why are we waiting?

You're going to help me tip the boat back.

Oh, my. No.

You know what, Melvin?

I truly wish you were for me.

Why?

So I could fire you on the spot.

had a crush on Roger since college.

And now it's my fault he got hurt.

Dr. Vahar, pick up line three.

Dr. Vahar, pick up line three. It must be down that way.

Okay, now, you keep her busy just long enough for me to get into Roger's room.

Hello?

Maru?

I saw you at practice.

Maru?

What does Maru mean? Isn't that the name of a Japanese ship?

No, no, no, no, no. I kick.

Kick.

Kick.

Maru Yibrios.

Oh, sure.

He's the place kicker the Titans just brought over from Cyprus.

Well, como esta?

Oh, but we have to get out of here, Maru.

Ciao. You smile at me.

Me mean do you like me?

I am every fan of you two also.

Come, come.

Hi. Hi.

I'm Kathy Tilton.

A Titan cheerleader.

Then you know. Sure. I saw you practice.

You and the other cheerleaders.

Someone following you?

Why do you ask?

The way you're acting.

Well, I'm sort of nervous about something.

Like that whistle you heard on the field.

You? Oh, no. A friend of mine. Her name is Marge. She wants you to know she's

awfully sorry about your knee.

You know, your friend just may have done me a big favor by whistling.

Are you kidding?

You see, there's a rumor going around that I might be traded.

So? So this way I can beat him to the punch.

I can use my injury as a reason to retire.

I want to go out on top.

Say, do you play gin rummy?

Yes, but not very well.

I'll teach you to be a real killer.

Me?

Sit on your bed?

Sure, why not?

I read that article about you in Playgirl.

Highly exaggerated.

If it were true, I'd be too exhausted to play football.

Can't go any farther.

There's nobody on this island anyway.

Can't say that Mr. Rourke doesn't deliver.

I think we are actually lost on a deserted island.

Don't you talk to me about Mr. Rourke. This is an outrage.

You know what's going to happen now?

What? Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

They're never going to find us. Why do you say that?

My horoscope? I had it cast just before I left home. I'm a Leo.

I know.

You know I'm a Leo? I read it in a movie magazine.

When I was a youngster, back in Colorado, I used to wonder how the end

come.

I hoped it would end swiftly and painlessly.

Could have guessed it would end on a remote, deserted island.

Two strangers, Liz Merrill and... What did you say your name was?

Melvin Hughes.

Two strangers.

Liz Merrill and Melvin Hughes.

The latter a complete unknown.

Aren't you getting a little bit overdramatic?

Well, you don't think we're ever going to be found, do you?

Oh, dear God.

If you're listening, please hear these words.

I know I haven't always done what you wanted me to, but I promise to if you'll

only get me off this damned island.

Forgive me, God. I didn't mean to blaspheme.

Well, it wouldn't hurt if you would do some praying also.

After all, two prayers have got to be better than one.

Melvin?

Melvin, where are you?

Melvin?

Melvin!

Oh, thank God, it's you.

Where did you run off to?

Scouting the area.

I don't have too much daylight left.

What is it you want?

I'm hungry.

Well, join the club.

I'll wait here while you find some food.

Wrong.

We both scrammed for some food.

Well, you're the hired help. It's your job to look after Mr. Rourke's guests.

I am not the hired help. I am a paying guest here entitled to all the rights

all the privileges.

Just between the two of us, I think I am being royally gypped.

Mr. Rourke were here right now, I would insist on a refund for my fantasy.

You had a fantasy?

A real stupid one.

I wanted to spend a weekend with the woman that I loved.

Most beautiful, sexiest movie star that ever lived.

Frankly, lady, I was a jerk. I was in love with an illusion.

You're nothing more than a rotten, spoiled female who... I want to be

All right, are you going to help me scrounge up some food or not?

Suit yourself.

Cheers.

It looks like I have to pay him up again.

Oh, Roger, this is all wrong.

My best friend Marge has had a crush on you ever since your college days.

We couldn't help ourselves.

It just happened.

She'll understand.

Yeah, good old Marge. She'll understand.

Understand?

What a mean, low, sneaky, underhanded, dirty trick. My best friend turns out to

be Benedict Arnold.

Do you think I wanted it to happen?

Does a bee want to run into a full -blown flower?

Oh, come on, Marge. I thought maybe you and Maru might have something going by

now. He doesn't even speak English, and I don't speak Cypriotic, or whatever

they call it. Why should he have to speak?

The language of love is universal.

Oh, Marge, I really am sorry.

I really am.

Well, that's just not good enough.

Best friends don't do that to each other.

This is the tastiest fish I have ever had.

Can I have some?

Oh, sure, sure.

Here.

Take my knife.

And you sharpen up a bamboo stick.

And you spear all the fish that you need, just like I did.

I see.

How much?

What's that?

How much money for half your fish?

My fish isn't for sale. I see.

All right.

A hundred dollars.

Two hundred.

Sorry.

Anyway, your money floated out to sea.

What good is money on a deserted island?

I've got something that... didn't float away.

Yes, I know.

My shirt.

And my shorts, which you stole from my duffel bag.

But something a lot better.

Like what?

Like this?

Well?

No fish.

How dare you reject this marrow!

Give me that fish!

No fish! Give me that fish!

Now the name is Melvin Muse.

You remember that, Liz? Liz?

Because we just might be spending the rest of our lives here together.

Oh, no.

While we're...

I want to establish some ground rules.

I am the boss.

And whatever I say goes.

Democracy is out. So is that Hollywood star bit.

On my island, you are nothing but plain old Liz.

And your only function is to keep your old man, which is me.

Kiss me.

What's going on?

Oh, you're so magical, so wonderful.

I've never been treated like that by any man, including my four previous

husbands. Oh, Melvin, I need you.

You mean you like it? Like it. Oh, I love it.

And you agree with everything I said?

Everything, everything. Oh, stop talking and kiss me.

I don't know.

Don't know what?

If I'm as great as you say. Uh -huh.

You don't deserve me.

name of Too Tall Jones is the matter with you?

Maruiz. La.

La?

That is fine, girl.

All right, now let's work on the side, side, side, side. Front, kick, back,

flip, side, side. Excuse me, Mrs. Hoyt. Could I have a word with Miss Wilton and

Miss Atkins, please? Oh, sure.

Uh, Marge...

Have a seat, thank you.

Now, I, um... I regret

saying this, ladies, but you have placed me in a very embarrassing position.

It was I who arranged for you to be cheerleaders, but my plan seems to have

backfired completely.

Within 24 hours, you have managed to put one quarterback in the hospital.

render a highly vaunted place kicker totally ineffective and demoralize an

entire football team, including its coach, of course.

What's wrong with the place kicker? He is hopelessly in love with you, Miss

Atkins, and as a direct result, he is unable to concentrate on the ball.

You really did mess things up.

Well, indeed you did.

The Titans opened their season against Pittsburgh, no less. Pittsburgh, in ten

days. And I greatly fear for their safety.

What can we do to help?

You, Miss Wilton, can convince Roger Mosley to leave the hospital and

participate in this afternoon's all -important scrimmage.

But he's injured.

Are you absolutely certain?

Or is it possible Mr. Mosley is using a very minor injury as a means of bowing

out of football while still on top?

Well, he did say... Didn't you tell Roger what was wrong with his passing

No. I got so wrapped up in other things, I forgot.

What can I do to help, Mr. Rourke?

Give Maru Iprios his concentration back.

Show some interest in him.

That won't be too hard to do.

He's kind of cute.

Is that all?

No, not quite. Not quite.

I think it's high time you two friends patched things up. Don't you?

Hmm?

Well...

How's that, Mr. Roy? That is very nice.

Now, may I suggest, Miss Wilton, that you hurry over to the hospital?

What for?

Roger Mosley has called a press conference, and I believe he's planning

announce his retirement from professional football.

Am I entitled to an explanation, nurse?

I had to stop you from announcing your retirement.

But it's over, Kathy. I'm all through.

That's just the point. You're not over the hill. March figured it out. You've

been throwing the ball all wrong.

For openers, you've been taking the ball and stepping only three steps instead

of five.

Then when you're forced to scramble, you've been throwing sidearm instead of

overhead like this.

Get

the

picture?

And he's okay? Yep. Can play? Yeah.

Let him in there. What is it? Third and 15.

I took care of at the hospital.

that Liz Merrill could ever exist outside the spotlight.

You know, when I first decided on an acting career, I never planned to be

Hollywood sex goddess.

Oh, no. I wanted to be known for my acting, not my physical endowment.

Liz, why don't you forget about Hollywood?

It's all behind you now.

Oh, I'm so glad it's behind me.

With what we've got...

Who needs Hollywood?

Who needs civilization?

Melvin, do you believe in fate?

Well, that depends.

Why? I believe that fate threw us together on this island.

Movie star and truck driver.

Well, regardless of what threw us together, I never want to go back.

Oh, neither do I, darling.

We've got everything here we'll ever need.

Oh, you don't know what a relief this is. Your boat was found adrift, and we

fear the worst.

We're fine, Mr. Rock. We've never been better.

The whole world is in mourning for you, Miss Merrill. The whole world?

International news coverage is unprecedented.

Your disappearance crowded virtually all else off the front pages.

Fans are thronging to theaters to see your latest film.

Really?

Yes.

Oh, well, of course, my fans always were very loyal.

Gentlemen, I would appreciate it very much if you got back in your helicopter

and just forget you found us, okay?

Very well. Is that also your desire, Miss Merrill?

You did say thronging the theaters?

Yes. They're having Lee's Merrill Film Festival all over the country.

No, Mr. Rourke, it isn't.

I'm sorry, Milton.

You definitely wish to remain here, Mr. Mewes?

Oh, Mr.

Rourke, I can't greet my fans dressed like this.

All that has been arranged, Miss Merrill. Tattoo, will you kindly bring

lady's suitcase from the helicopter?

Thank you.

Suitcase?

Well...

But I, I, I thought... I couldn't leave you, Melvin.

Seems I have a terminal case of L -O -V -E.

What about your fans?

Well, they'll just have to find themselves a news text, God.

This one.

Just retired from the silver screen.

Ladies, did you enjoy your fantasy?

To the nth degree, Mr. Rourke. Oh, I'm very glad.

Sorry to don't be permanent cheerleaders.

Not really. We're going to be too busy once the football season starts.

Really? Busy doing what?

Making sure some cheerleader doesn't steal my place kicker. Or my

See you at the Super Bowl.

Goodbye. Jadkins, Woodson, you're very welcome. Goodbye.

Well, Tattoo, how's your spy training coming along?

Magnificent, boss.

I find the ultimate place where I can hide.

Really? Where I can be seen without being seen.

And observe without being observed.

Well, I must say you have piqued my curiosity. And where is this marvelous

hiding place?

A mail bag?

Yeah. That's exactly the point, boss.

We're going to look twice at the mail bag.

Well, that is a point.

Help me, please.

There you are.

Yes.

There you are.

That's a two.

Are you sure it's safe?

It's perfectly safe, boss.

All right.

All right.

Now, look.

I've got two holes for my eyes there to see and one to breathe.

All right.

Nobody's going to find me, ever.

Can you come out and play tattoo?

Tattoo!

What?

You know anybody who wants to buy second -hand books on camouflage, huh?

Cheap.