Original subtitles

Good evening.

So nice of you to join us.

French, we're home.

Oh, good afternoon, children.

Sissy, well, I hope you had a pleasant day.

I did.

I almost did. Almost?

Yeah, until the teacher assigned us a lot of homework.

Oh, in that case, I suggest you go to your rooms and get on with it without

further delay.

Mr. French, where did this come from?

Oh, that's a gift from Mr. Davis for Miss Mason, pre -Columbian. You know,

an expert and considers it a work of art.

Oh, sure.

Here's a funny -looking cow.

I thought it was a deer.

No, it looks sort of more like a dog to me. It can't be a chicken because it has

four legs.

Hmm.

No, a deer, I would say.

I win.

You know, children, that this was made by Indians hundreds and hundreds of

ago, long before Columbus discovered America.

Hey, that's real real odd.

It's even older than you, Mr. French.

Yes.

It's like something we make in school that we get bad marks for.

But ours are better.

Yeah. I guess because in the old days they didn't know how to make good stuff.

Oh, sweet, sweet.

Davis residence.

Oh, Mr. Davis.

We've been expecting to hear from you, sir.

It's Uncle Bill. Can we talk to him, Mr. French? The children wish to speak to

you, sir, yet I suggest the other phone.

Oh, yes, they'll be on in just a moment, sir.

How's everything going, French? The kids behaving?

Yeah, that's good.

Hi, Uncle Bill. When are you coming home?

Oh, not till early part of next week.

How's school?

School's fine, Uncle Bill.

Mine, too.

You got a present.

It was supposed to be a surprise, Jody.

We didn't know that, Mr. French.

Well, you didn't tell me what the present was.

It's a thing of Columbus art.

Jody, you just told him.

I'm sorry this has gotten out of hand, sir.

Yes, but Miss Mason brought it. A magnificent work of pre -Columbian art.

It's an animal, but we don't know for sure which.

We only know what it isn't. It isn't a chicken.

Well, maybe we can figure it out when I get home.

Yeah, I miss you, too.

Okay. Bye -bye. Goodbye, sir.

Goodbye, Uncle Bill.

Bye, Uncle Bill.

Bye, Uncle Bill.

Goodbye, Sissy.

Goodbye, Mr. French.

Ah, children.

Hi, Mr. French.

Tell me, did either of you see anything of Mr. Davis's pre -Columbian figure? It

seems to have disappeared.

It didn't disappear, Mr. French. We took it to school.

Good heavens.

Sissy, they took it to school.

Now, we've been worried about it all morning.

Why didn't you tell somebody that you were taking it to school?

You know perfectly well you mustn't take anything from this place without asking

permission first.

It didn't look very important.

And Jody's getting extra credit for taking it to school.

Anyway, we were sure you wouldn't mind if we showed that old hunk of clay to

teacher. Old hunk of clay?

Jody, that pre -Columbian figure is very valuable.

Extremely valuable. In fact, it's irreplaceable.

Well, we didn't know that.

Where is it now?

We left it at school.

The teacher didn't have time to talk about it today.

So she put it in her drawer.

Well, I want it home tomorrow.

Yes, sir.

Now, Mr. French, I think it'll be safe.

You do? Well, that's all very fine. But, you know, it's like having the crown

jewels in one's possession for safekeeping.

Be careful, Bob.

I'm being careful.

I just thought I'd remind you.

You've been reminding me all the way home.

You should have carried it. I would have dropped it.

You didn't drop it when you came to school.

Well, I didn't know it was valuable then.

Anyway, boys are more clumsy than girls.

All the girls say so.

Mr. French must be out.

Do you have the key, Buffy?

Uh -huh. Here.

Hold this while I get it.

Two hands.

Here.

Are you all

right, Jody?

Oh, boy.

We made it home.

Almost. In one piece.

Doesn't look so valuable now.

Do you think maybe we could paste it together?

We better try.

I think this is his nose.

I thought it was his foot.

It is sort of big for a nose.

Let's make it a foot, Buffy.

Then if he ends up with five feet, we'll know it's his nose.

This is hard, Jody. I don't think it's going to work.

How come?

You're good at jigsaw puzzles.

Yeah, but they lie flat on the floor.

Yeah, it would be easy if there weren't so many little pieces.

Buffy? Jody?

Quick, hide the mess under the bed.

Hi,

Mr. French.

You weren't home, so we used our key.

Yes, I was doing some shopping with Miss Favisham.

Children, did you bring home the pre -Columbian artifact intact?

I see. You forgot it. You know, I was very careless of you.

We're sorry, Mr. French. We were so careless.

Yes, well, I shall remind you again on Monday. And should you forget again, I

will go to the school myself.

Understand?

I just want to stick

together. What are we going to do?

Maybe we could go out and buy one just like it.

Well, we don't have enough money for that.

Hey, I got an idea.

Why don't we make one just like it, out of clay?

One what just like it? All we know is that it isn't a chicken.

It's a blob.

I make blobs with clay all the time.

Yeah, it did look like the kind of stuff we make in our class.

The kids even thought we made this one.

All we have to buy is the clay.

We have enough money for that.

I'm sure glad new clay doesn't cost as much as the stuff we make out of old

clay.

Mexico's fine, but I'm always glad to get home again.

You say that every time you come home. That's because I mean what I say.

Oh, but still, it must be really fun to travel.

How the unique thing exciting ever happens at home?

Hardly. Hardly. Well, I've got some presents for you in my bag. Maybe

exciting, huh?

Oh, speaking of presents, um... Yeah, where's my present from Miss Mason

not a chicken?

Under a desk, sir.

Oh.

Is that it, sir?

It's kind of like a fat horse, isn't it?

It couldn't be a horse, Uncle Bill. It's pre -Columbian. There weren't even any

horses on this continent until Cortez.

That's right. Well, now we know it's not a horse and we know it's not a chicken.

Well, Sir, Miss Mason indicated it was a very fine piece, worthy of a museum.

Oh, gee, I don't know about that. She's an expert, yeah.

You know...

Every time I look at that thing, it seems different to me.

I've noticed the same effects, Sissy.

Yet there is a crude strength, a barbaric sense of life, which makes it

priceless.

Somehow it seems to change with the age of the beholder.

Probably because you haven't seen it all weekend.

To be sure.

Oh, sir, the children took it to school with them to gain extra credit.

They brought it back, okay.

I'll call her up.

Tell her thanks.

Yeah.

What

are

you doing, Mr. Branch?

Well, Miss Mason's sending a messenger along, collector.

What for?

Does she want it back?

No, no, she merely wishes to borrow it so that she may exhibit it.

And exhibit?

Mm -hmm, at the Wyndham Gallery on Fifth Avenue.

You mean they're going to show it to people?

Yes, evidently this figure is even more valuable than we thought.

I thought we were out of the woods.

We just got deeper and deeper.

What are we going to do?

Maybe the messenger will drop it.

Yeah, maybe he'll be as clumsy as you.

If we're lucky.

Yeah. From the collection of Mr. William Davis. Yes, sir.

Most impressive, sir. What it doesn't say is that that's the whole collection.

Look at that one, Stanley.

Which one? They all look alike to me.

From the William Davis collection.

What about it?

It's the best example of primitive art I've seen.

Looks just like another cow.

Cow?

That's a tribal god.

Maybe they worship... Cows?

It shows how much you know about art.

Think of the skill of those primitive people, thousands of years ago, being

to make something like that.

That's real craftsmanship.

Heaven only knows how many weeks or even months it took to make that.

Hear that, Uncle Bill?

I guess I ought to be proud I own it.

Hey, you're awful quiet.

We're always quiet in places where it says do not touch.

Like in libraries.

Bill! Hi.

Sorry I couldn't break away to join you sooner.

That's okay. We've been looking at everything.

If you'll notice, your little animal's been given a position of honor between

two very interesting pieces.

The Taraskan Gourd Player and the Kalima Dog.

Oh, yeah, well, I'm glad he's in good company there.

Is he about the same age as the others, Miss Mason?

Yes, they're all about 800 to 1 ,000 years old.

Bill, you're not going to believe this, but Mr. Wyndham's already had an offer

for yours.

Really? Well, I'm not going to sell it.

$500?

$500? Gosh.

That?

Well, children, you see, you're too young to understand great art.

Yes, we don't understand it all, Mr. Wyndham.

Well, tell him no sale. That was a gift from you, so...

Thanks, Bill. I was hoping you'd say that. Well, I consider it a compliment

your taste.

Well, I'd better get back up front and help Mr. Windham out. Hey, we gonna have

dinner tonight?

Love it. Eight o 'clock?

Eight o 'clock. See you then. Bye -bye. Bye.

Bye. Uncle Bill. Yeah?

I'm not an expert, but doesn't $500 seem awful lot for that little primitive

clay figure?

I think so, too.

Well, look at this one.

What if you were a sculptor and somebody offered $500 for something of yours,

huh? For yours, how about that?

Free to sports for comics.

You can have the comics.

Now, will you be dining at home this evening, sir?

No, I'm going to have something to eat with Miss Mason after the show, thanks.

Very good, sir.

Oh, that reminds me, sir. Now that the exhibit is over, shouldn't the pre

-Columbian figure have been returned to us, or are we expected to send for it?

No, no, no. It's going over to the art museum and the rest of the exhibit.

Is that that great big museum you took us to see in Central Park?

That's right, honey. They're going to have a whole exhibit just for pre

-Columbian stuff.

Sir, I dare say that our little clay figure will be viewed by all the art

connoisseurs in the city.

Yeah, I thought I was going to be a patron of yours.

I'd better change.

I'll be late.

Yes, sir.

Mr. French?

Yes? What's a connoisseur?

A connoisseur, Buffy, is a person who is especially qualified to pass critical

judgment on various art objects.

Like an expert?

You know, believe this or not, Jody, but there are some unscrupulous people who

try to pass off copies of really valuable objects as the real thing.

What happens to them when the connoisseurs find out?

Well, since forgery is a crime, they are punishable by law.

Does that mean they go to jail?

Frequently.

Buffy, do you think experts will be able to tell ours is a fake?

I think so.

Otherwise, they wouldn't be experts.

They probably can tell two little kids made it, too. And which little kids?

And Uncle Bill might have to go to jail because the card says it's from his

collection. And maybe we might go to jail ourselves because we're the ones

made the whole forgery.

We don't want Uncle Bill to go to jail, do we, Buffy?

No, we love Uncle Bill.

Should we tell him?

I guess we're going to have to.

We'll get in trouble.

But it's better than Uncle Bill getting in trouble.

Yeah.

Come in.

Hi. Can we talk to you, Uncle Bill?

Sure.

Something serious?

Very.

Well, tell me. Maybe it's not as serious as you think.

Uncle Bill, you can't let him show that present Miss Mason gave you at the

Museum of Art.

Why?

Because it isn't the one.

It's a forgery.

What do you mean?

Buffy and I made it.

You made it?

Uh -huh. And if you showed it at the Museum of Art, some kind of seal would

you in trouble.

You might even get arrested.

And we don't want that to happen.

We told you this was serious.

Now, what is this all about?

We broke the real present Miss Mason gave you.

I did.

When we were coming home from school, Kerplunk.

Well, why didn't you tell me before?

We were afraid to.

So we decided to make our own.

Well, you sure fooled me, and you fooled Sissy, and French, and all the people

at the Wyndham Gallery, and the lady who said it was the best piece of primitive

art she'd ever seen.

And the people who wanted to pay $500 for it.

We fooled them all.

It's the funniest thing I ever heard.

You're not mad at us?

No, no, I never get mad at you for telling the truth. I just wish you told

from the beginning, that's all.

Well, we didn't know they wanted to put our forgery in the Museum of Art.

No, no, that's the way it goes. You tell one lie and you don't know where it's

going to lead. You always wind up telling some more lies to cover up the

lie.

Then it's still funny, huh, Uncle Bill?

It is when I think of all those experts.

Oh, boy.

What's the matter?

What am I going to tell Miss Mason?

Maybe she won't be angry either if you tell her the truth.

All right, Bill.

You said you had something interesting to tell me.

Yeah.

I'm going to have to withdraw my pre -Columbian from the exhibit at the

But why?

Well, because it isn't genuine.

Of course it is. Don't you think I know what is genuine and what isn't?

Are you taking a good look at it?

Not since I gave it to you.

No.

The pre -Columbian figurine.

It's on display at the Wyndham Gallery.

It's not the same one you bought.

I don't understand.

Well, the kids broke that one.

And so they got scared and they made up a replica.

Of course, they never had any idea it was going to wind up in a gallery, much

less a museum.

I don't believe it.

Here's what happened.

Bill, are you trying to say that a clay figure made by two little children

deceived me and the others who attended the gallery?

Yeah, it was right in there with all the authentic ones.

This is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me.

Well, it fooled the other experts, too.

But that's meant to make me feel better. It doesn't.

They took my word for it. If this gets out... Let's go to the theater, huh? No,

we don't want to miss the curtain right here. It's a real funny comedy. Bill,

I'm afraid nothing is going to be funny to me tonight.

If you don't mind, I'd just like to go home.

Okay.

Sissy, you know all about men and women, don't you?

Well, what about them?

Why isn't Uncle Bill seeing Miss Mason anymore?

Oh, well, you see, Uncle Bill and Miss Mason have gone...

Huh?

They broke up.

Doesn't Uncle Bill like her?

Well, he likes her very much.

But Miss Mason doesn't particularly want to see Uncle Bill anymore.

Because of that clay thing we made?

Well, you see, she considered herself an expert on pre -Columbian art. And you

two kids fooled her with your copy.

We didn't think she'd stop seeing Uncle Bill on account of it.

We copied it so she'd keep on seeing Uncle Bill.

Oh, I know that, kids. And so does Uncle Bill.

But Miss Mason's pride is hurt.

And that's why they broke up.

Miss Mason, what a nice surprise.

May we come in for a minute?

Of course.

Buffy and Jody asked me to bring them here because they've got something

important they want to say to you.

I'd certainly like to hear it.

We're sorry we broke up your present and we're sorry we broke up you and Uncle

Bill. On account of us, you and Uncle Bill went... And he likes you.

Thank you, children.

But I'm afraid you're really too young to understand.

Well, yeah.

But you... The pieces of the pre -Columbus we broke.

We tried to put it back together, but it wouldn't work.

So we were thinking maybe you could put it together.

Then it wouldn't be broken anymore.

And neither would you and Uncle Bill.

Well, that's what they came to say. I guess you better be going.

Please don't go.

You know, your Uncle Bill's a very lucky man to have children like you.

We think we're lucky to have Uncle Bill.

Can you put the pieces together?

Well, I'm certainly going to try.

Now listen, you go to bed when Mr.

French tells you to, and I'll give him a hard time, okay?

We won't, Uncle Bill. We'll give him an easy time.

Have fun.

Good night, sir.

Bye, honey. Bye.

Just a minute.

I still can't believe it. What? Bill, could I ask a favor?

Yeah? Could I have this?

It's the best pre -Columbian forgery I've ever seen.

I want to keep that. Now, it might be a forgery to you, but it's authentic to

me. Well, what can you do with it?

Well, I don't know. I've got to look at it.

You realize I'm probably the only guy in the world who's got a real, genuine,

handmade pre -Columbian by my own kids?

Bye.

It's been very good of you to watch, and we do hope to see you again next week

on Family Affair.