Original subtitles

Hi. Welcome to our show.

Listen, don't laugh. I know you engineers.

I used to go with an engineer. Yeah.

Dear Harold.

I said to him, listen, Harold, are we engaged?

And he said, no. And then he kissed me. And I said, well, why are you always

kissing me if we're not engaged?

And he said, well, listen, a fellow has to have a hobby.

Get up, please. Save it for the Star -Spangled Banner. Oh, thank you. Very

funny, Miss Spencer.

Oh, thank you. Well, I have been compared to Lucille Ball, unfavorably.

Can I order you something?

No, no. Just you. You're enough. Listen, I want you to tell me all about

yourself. Your hopes, your dreams, your bank balance.

Listen, gentlemen, would you please talk among yourselves? Because this is not a

public conversation.

About the bank balance, I think I've got just enough to take you to lunch

tomorrow. Oh.

Well, can we swing lunch? Because I have to leave Denver tomorrow.

Oh, I know what. You could air mail me a Caesar salad.

Yeah. Well, on the second thought, make it a Brutus salad. I mean, I like to

stick with the winner.

Where are you going to work in New York?

Oh, I'm doing four weeks at the Tahitian room with the Sherry Carlton.

If you don't call me, I'm going to call you.

I'll be in New York Friday, and I'll call you as soon as I get home.

There are no phones at the airport?

I'll call you as soon as I get off the plane.

Listen, Billy boy, why don't we make a date now? Or am I being too demure?

Dinner on Sunday night.

Oh, yes. I hate pushy people, but I accept.

We

studied

about gender and geography.

It's the Maasai city. That's right.

And nearby is Peaks Pike.

He's on a hike's peak.

Well, he was close.

Well, I'm happy to be able to give you a good report on Buffy and Jody, sir.

How come we always get reported on them since he doesn't? Well, I guess I'm old

enough to give my own report.

I've been very good. I'm sure.

Hello, Davis Residence.

I beg your pardon.

Well, I'm sorry, madam, but there's no Billy boy at this address.

Oh, yeah.

Just a moment, please.

Billy boy.

Hello, Gail.

Yeah.

No, I just got home.

You didn't hear them laughing in Denver? Oh, we had to give them their dinner

checks to quiet them down.

How about dinner on Sunday? Are we still on for that?

Well, we better be, because I had to cancel a speaking engagement at the New

Jersey home for the tall.

Okay, I'll pick you up around six.

Right, kid.

Bye -bye.

That's a lady named Miss Spencer I met in Chicago.

She sure made you laugh.

Well, she's pretty funny.

She's a professional comedian. A comedian, you should say, when it's a

Gail Spencer?

Yep. Oh, I've seen her lots of times on those late night shows.

She's really kooky.

Sounds like fun.

Yeah, you'd like her.

If she likes me, do you think she'll call me Jody Boy?

She might.

And if she likes Mr.

French... That will do, Jody.

So, anyway, this poor drunk is staggering down this country road, and

farmer comes along, he looks at him, he's all... scratched and torn up and

everything, he says, sakes alive, fella, what happened to you?

And the drunk says, you see that 50 -foot cliff? I had to jump off of that.

was being chased by poisonous snakes.

Well, the farmer says, there are no snakes around here that are poisonous.

And the drunk says, if they can make you jump off a cliff like that, they don't

have to be.

That was funny.

Tell us more, Miss Spencer.

Well, I don't know. At these prices, uh...

Hey, I have an idea. Why don't I use a little of the local talent around here?

Oh, yes. I see a bright -eyed young man.

Let's you and I do a routine together.

Come on. Go ahead. Just hold on a minute, folks. We're going to have to

rehearse. And here's what we do.

Sit down and watch the show, French.

Thank you, sir.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, you are now about to see the world premiere of the

soon -to -be -famous act of Jody and Gail. And for our first impression, we

going to do two lumberjacks meeting in the woods.

Ta -da!

That is also our last impression.

Well, partner, don't you want to ask me a question?

Oh, yeah.

Tell me, Miss Gail, why does a chicken cross the road?

I don't know. Why does a chicken cross the road?

Because the light just turned green.

That's it, folks. That's it.

Now, Mr. French, we'll pass among us with demi -tasks. English translation,

is a half of a whole task.

How do you think of all these funny things?

Oh, it's very simple. I just laugh and then work backwards.

Hey, I tell you, this is my room. I can't fail.

Well, now that the entertainment is over, may I suggest, children, that next

the bill is bath and bed, hmm?

Oh, gee.

Ah, Jody, that's show business.

Night, Miss Spencer. It was a lot of fun meeting you. It sure was.

I hope Uncle Bill invites you back soon.

Well, thank you. Coming from you, that's a rave review.

I hope I see you soon.

Goodbye. Bye.

Night, Uncle Bill. Good night. I'll drop in on you in a minute.

Uncle Bill, be careful you don't hurt yourself when you drop in.

More coffee, miss? Oh, thank you.

I sure like Miss Benson.

Me too. Boy, she's funny.

I'll say. She almost made Mr. French laugh.

You're funny too, Jody.

Really? Uh -huh.

I bet I could be even funnier.

How? Remember that joke book I got for Christmas?

I gave it to you.

I'm going to look through it again. There's some real good jokes in there.

Yeah, then when Miss Spencer comes back, you can make her laugh.

Boy, it sure is going to be more fun studying jokes than arithmetic.

There you go again, being funny.

Good morning, Mr. French. Good morning, Mr. French. Good morning, Buffy and

Jody.

That's a good one, Jody. You should tell it to Mr. French. Should I?

Sure. If he almost laughs, then you'll know it's funny. Go ahead, tell him.

Mr. French?

Yes, Jody? Did you hear the one about the man who went into the restaurant and

told the waitress he wanted his bowl of soup and a few kind words?

No, I don't think I've heard that one.

Not yet, Buffy.

So when the waitress served him his soup, the man said... How about the few

words? Then the waitress said, Don't eat the soup.

Hmm.

Yes. Well, very amusing, Jodi, and very well told.

Thank you, Mr. French. I got it out of my joke book last night.

Oh, really?

And what did you get out of your arithmetic book?

Oh, just a bunch of numbers.

Hmm. Well, I trust your answers in class will be a little more specific.

Now, shall we get on with our breakfast?

Look, Mr. French, who am I?

You are a young man who's about to get up and fetch a clean cereal bowl.

Yes, sir.

I tell you, Jody, you're funny.

I didn't even get to tell the joke yet. I was supposed to be a bald eagle.

Jody, you better erase that before Miss Harris gets here.

Hey, I got an idea.

Why don't I be the teacher until she comes?

All right, everybody sit down, please.

Now, the class will come to order.

I marked all your papers last night, and everyone got 100.

Except Benji. He got 104.

How could he get 104?

He answered a couple of questions twice.

Daddy!

Daddy, you better take your seat now.

First, I've got a question to ask the class.

Does anyone know how to catch an elephant?

We give up. How do you catch an elephant?

Well, you've got to have a very large baseball glove.

Boy, this is my room.

Ask us another one.

Okay.

Let me see.

Oh, yeah.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

I see I've been replaced.

Gee, I'm sorry, Miss Harris.

And we have an artist with us today.

Is that some of your work, Judy?

Yes, ma 'am. I was going to erase it.

Oh, please don't. I think it's very flattering.

But you might erase one wrong word.

Can you guess which it is?

Now you may go back to being a pupil again.

Mr. French?

Oh. Yes?

Is there any of that apple pie left from dinner?

Yes. Would you like me to get you a piece? Oh, no. I'll get it. Maybe the

exercise will counteract some of the calories.

Mr. French, have you noticed anything different about Jody?

Oh, our young comedian.

Indeed I have. That's exactly what I mean. Do you know, it is absolutely

impossible to try and carry on a straight conversation with that boy.

I asked him if he would kindly remove his airplane from my bed, right?

He said, not until the control tower gives him a clearance.

Perhaps a little bit of Miss Spencer has rubbed off on him.

Yes, but Miss Spencer's material is good.

Jody's...

Do you know what you get when you cross an owl with a goat?

No. A hootenanny.

A hootenanny.

I'm afraid the humor of that eludes me completely.

I wish it would elude Jody.

Kind of late, friends. The last show isn't over till 1 .30.

Oh, very well, sir.

Have a pleasant evening, sir. Good night, friends.

Good night, sir.

And I think you're grand.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, I know what happened. You went to a wedding party and you caught the bridal

bouquet. Right.

They're just beautiful.

I'm going to press them in my family joke book.

Looks like I got some competition there. Oh, yes. I have a secret admirer.

Me.

Sit down. Sit down. Watch me touch up my makeup.

Do you know where I learned to do this?

In the army?

Yes, I was in the camouflage division.

And I suppose you won't believe this, but I'm actually 82 years old.

You could have fooled me.

Where are you from, anyway?

Well, actually, I was not born.

No, my mother and father got me for trading stamps.

Yeah, that's the truth, really. No, 22 and a half books of trading stamps.

they threw in an electric toaster.

And where'd you grow up?

In St. Louis.

Well, listen, I'll tell you the truth.

My mother and father were gypsies.

and I was kidnapped by city people.

That's quite a childhood.

Oh, yeah. I had a terrific time. But actually, the reason I enjoyed it so

is that I was a kid at the time.

Hmm.

Did you go to school in St. Louis?

Did I go to school in St. Louis?

I was on the debating team.

I was voted the girl most likely.

You say that you went to school and you were on the debating team, you were

voted the girl most likely? Yes, that's right. The girl most likely to what?

Well, that's what we debated about.

Hey, listen.

Why don't you stay and see the late show? And you can buy me supper.

Oh, I'd like to, but I got a real early appointment.

Oh, I see. You need your beauty sleep, huh?

I know. Why don't you sleep through my show like the rest of the audience?

I really am beat up.

Oh. Well, that's the way the egg fool young.

Okay. I'll see you soon.

Good night. Yeah, make it sooner than that, huh?

The Davies?

Aye. Well, somehow I didn't expect you home so early, sir.

Well, it's how the egg foo youngs.

I beg your pardon? Never mind.

Well, I'm sorry your late date didn't work out, sir. Any messages?

No, sir, no. Oh, yes, Jody asked me to give you something.

No idea what it is.

Oh, mixed nuts.

a new joke for you. Another one?

Boy, he's had another one every day this week. I know that.

What's this?

Ouch!

Ouch!

I give up.

What is it?

Two porcupines kissing.

How come you're not laughing, Buffy?

I heard it before.

Hey, Mariela.

What's that on your nose?

I don't know. What is it?

Your finger.

How do you think of all those funny things?

I just laugh, then work backwards.

I see the Jody Davis comedy hour is in session again.

Miss Harris?

Yes, Jody?

May I tell a joke?

I'm sorry, Jody. It's time to be serious.

But this is serious.

You see, I asked a little boy if he liked going to school.

The little boy said, yes, I like going to school, and I like coming from

But I don't like the in -between part.

All right, class, settle down.

Order, please.

I'll take a bologna sandwich.

Please, please.

The Jody Davis Comedy Hour is over.

The Miss Harris Education Hour will now begin.

Turn to page 102 in your book.

Miss Harris?

Mr. Davis.

So nice of you to come in so promptly.

Well, from what you indicated to Mr. French on the phone, it sounds like it's

more my problem than yours, huh?

It's Jody.

I thought that.

Nothing bad, nothing mischievous, really. But his work is slipping, and I

thought you should know about it.

Well, I appreciate your concern.

What's the trouble?

Well, to put it bluntly, Jody suddenly turned comedian.

He's more interested in being funny than in his classwork.

I see.

It's quite a distraction to the other children, and it's giving me a little

problem in discipline.

Yeah, he's getting to be quite a joker at home, too.

Oh? Yeah, I thought it was just some kind of phase you were going through,

it looks like it's getting out of hand.

Well, it is here.

And although I encourage enthusiasm in the class, there comes a time... Yeah, I

didn't want to jump on him either, but it looks like I'm going to have to do

that.

Jody's ordinarily so quiet and well -behaved in class.

Do you have any idea what could have brought about such a change?

I think I do.

Hi, kids.

Guess what, Uncle Bill? The yo -yo season starts tomorrow, and I get to

out the first yo.

You got a moment, Jody?

I had one, but I lost it.

You want a moment with me, Uncle Bill?

No, honey, not just now. I'd like to talk to Jody about some private stuff,

okay? Okay, bye.

Come on, Jody.

Have I done something wrong, Uncle Bill? Yeah, I had to go over to school and

talk to your teacher this afternoon.

About me?

Yeah.

Says you've been cutting up in class a lot. Being a comedian, making a lot of

funny jokes and everything.

That doesn't sound much like you.

But all I was doing was having a little fun.

Fun's okay in its place.

Miss Harris says that you've been distracting the class.

Your work's been slipping, too.

She laughed, too.

Yeah, at first she did.

Yeah. I guess she told you about my last history test.

Seventy.

She blames that on your clowning around, too. She says you're not paying

attention.

I'll get it, Uncle Bill.

Hi, Jody. Hi.

Hey, have I got a good one for you.

How do you shoot a white elephant?

I give up.

With a white elephant gun.

Eh? Now, how do you shoot a red elephant?

That's easy. With a red elephant gun.

Wrong. You paint him white and shoot him with a white elephant gun.

Hi, Bill. Hi.

Uncle Bill, wait till I tell that one in school tomorrow.

Do you remember what we were just talking about?

Oh, I'm so sorry. Did I interrupt something?

No. I'm glad you came. Sit down.

Maybe you can help me explain something to Jody here. Oh, sure.

Well, actually, I came to find out how your finger was.

My finger?

Yeah, the finger that you don't dial with anymore.

See, Uncle Bill, it's not wrong to make people laugh.

Miss Spencer does it all the time.

Jody, Miss Spencer does it all the time because Miss Spencer is a professional.

You see?

Now, I've been having trouble with him in school. He's cutting up being the

class clown.

Oh. Hey, listen, Jody.

You know, the only reason that anyone is a clown is to get attention.

And the reason they need attention is that they need love.

I mean, you have all the love you need right here. You don't have to get it

people's laughter.

I didn't have a nice home life like you.

And I found myself at 15 just scrambling around trying to be somebody, trying to

get, well, trying to get people to laugh.

Well, really...

You're trying to get somebody to love me.

Gee, I'm sorry, Miss Spencer.

Oh, you don't have to be sorry.

It's just that... Well, I'm funny now to wipe out a lot of unfunny memories.

And, uh, listen, I want to tell you something.

I mean, you're lucky.

You don't have to do it for laughs.

It doesn't matter what laughter, George. You just got to be serious, too.

Balance it out. You understand?

I think so.

You mean if you're funny all the time, people get tired of you.

Then you're not so funny anymore?

I think it'd be better if you'd just be yourself. You know, simmer down and keep

your school books open.

Close up the joke books for a while, okay?

Yes, sir. I'll watch it.

Miss Spencer, is it okay if I save your elephant joke for a party or something?

Oh, sure. Go ahead.

Thanks.

Well, now you know all my secrets.

Should have figured.

Thanks for straightening him out.

Yeah.

I guess that's why I didn't hear from you, huh?

Too many funny lines?

Why, there'll be too long between straight lines.

Listen, if you want to get out of this, you know, fine, you can.

But why don't you give me another chance, huh?

I mean, I can be as serious as you want me to be.

I mean, no more one -liners.

How about after the show, what would you say to a late snack?

Oh, I'd say, hi, late snack.

Gee, I'm really sorry. Listen, you're going to have to just be patient with

I mean, this may take a little bit longer than I thought.

I mean, it's serious jazz.

Oh, it's like breaking in a whole new routine.

Okay?

Thanks for watching. See you next week.

On Family Affair.