Original subtitles

Good evening.

So nice of you to join us.

is the best fighter I ever saw.

Even better than Hercules in the movies?

He's just an actor, dum -dum. He's got big muscles.

They paint those muscles on you. And anyhow, what counts as being tough?

Yeah, look at David and Goliath. David really zonked that big guy.

He threw a rock.

That wasn't very nice.

I guess in those days, rock throwing was okay if you were on the right side.

My father says the bigger they are, the harder they fall.

How big is your father?

He's smaller than my mother.

Jody's uncle is real strong.

Oh, yeah?

His uncle works out at the gym all the time.

Is that right?

He can make the biggest muscle in his arm I ever saw.

Bigger than a grapefruit?

Uh -huh, and harder than a coconut.

Boys sure talk about silly things.

I know. I'm glad girls don't have muscles.

You think your uncle's pretty big, don't you?

He's a very nice man.

This is for girls.

My old man grew up on the east side.

He had to fight all the time. Why?

He says that's the only way you get ahead in this world.

I think your father's wrong.

If you were a boy, I'd show you who's wrong.

Jody's a boy.

I bet your uncle's a pushover. Like heck he is.

I bet my father could make much...

is, girls don't settle things by fighting.

Then how do girls settle things?

We don't talk to each other until somebody says, I'm sorry.

Forget it, Tom.

My uncle's not going to fight your father.

I knew it. Your uncle's too yellow.

He is not.

Sure he is. He's afraid of my father.

My uncle's not afraid of your father at one bit.

Or anybody.

If your uncle's not afraid, he'll meet my old man.

We'll see who's chicken.

Hey, move it, will you, Frenchie?

Madam, why must you be cleaning up when I'm preparing dinner?

Well, let's put it this way. Why are you preparing dinner while I'm cleaning up?

You've had the whole day to clean up.

I'm finishing in here.

You don't have to move if you don't want to.

I'll just work around you.

But don't blame me for the one dirty spot in the whole clean kitchen.

Thanks, buddy.

Anybody home?

Oh, coming, Mr. Davis.

Mrs. Tanner!

How'd it go in the office today, Mr. Davis?

Okay, Emily, business as usual.

Good evening, sir. I'll take that. I'll give it to you, Frenchy. I'll hang it

up. I'll hang it up. Thank you, madam.

Oh, well.

Then I'll just take this and stash it in the den. Mr.

Davis prefers it in the bedroom.

Well, anything that Mr. Davis wants.

Oh, um, would you like me to fix you a little belt before dinner? No, thanks,

Emily. Madam.

Fixing drinks in this household has always been my prerogative.

Well, what's the big deal?

I mean, the ice cubes will never know.

I won't get spoiled.

Not a chance.

The kids in their rooms?

Studying, sir. Oh, dinner won't be ready for half an hour.

Okay.

Oh, Jody, I thought you were doing your homework.

Oh, I'm just taking recess.

Okay. How'd everything go in school today?

Fine, I guess.

What are you doing tomorrow?

Nothing special.

You mean you're not busy?

Nope. You got a good ball game in the stadium. You want to go?

I was thinking of something else.

What?

Go to the park.

You go to the park every day.

I know, but you don't.

Well, what am I going to do in the park?

Fight Tom Richard's father.

Oh, fight Tom Richard's father.

It's all set.

Tom said that you were scared and you wouldn't fight, but I said you would.

Oh, you did?

Well, we gotta be in the park at 10 o 'clock tomorrow.

Listen, I didn't know you were a fight promoter these days. I'm your main

attraction, huh?

Oh, it's not for money, Uncle Bill. This is a grudge fight.

That's worse.

Don't worry, Uncle Bill. Tom's father is the same size as you.

Uh -huh.

Okay. Would you mind telling me how this all got started?

Tom started it. I didn't.

That doesn't give you the right to volunteer me.

Well, I didn't think you'd mind.

You go to the gym three times a week.

This would be just like working out.

Well, a fight in a park isn't exactly like a workout.

Well, you don't have to hurt him very much. Just enough to teach his son not

brag anymore.

I am not going to hurt him at all. I'm not even going to fight him.

You're not.

No, I'm not. I haven't got anything against him.

And fighting doesn't prove anything anyway.

It proves who's strongest.

No, it does not prove anything.

All it does is get people hurt. It makes for more hard feelings, which get worse

and worse. And then it doesn't ever stop.

You mean forever?

Yes, it could go on forever.

I don't think I'd want to fight that long.

Well, you shouldn't want to fight at all. It's just something you do as a

resort.

I guess you're right.

You're going to be more sure of that as you get older.

I'll go to the park tomorrow and tell Tom.

Okay, and his father isn't going to show up either. This is just a lot of kid

stuff.

Maybe Uncle Bill's right and they won't come.

Is it 10 o 'clock yet?

It was 5, Bob, when we left.

And we've been waiting at least 15 minutes.

I guess we don't have to wait any longer.

Thanks for coming with me, Bob.

Where's your uncle?

He won't be here.

I thought he wanted to fight.

Do you, Mr. Richards?

Well, Tom tells me your uncle dared me. So here I am.

He didn't dare anybody.

Because he's chicken.

He is not.

Then how come he's not here like my dad?

Our uncle has more important things to do than fight.

I don't like that, kid.

You made me come down here for nothing.

He's chicken, too. Just like his uncle.

Don't you say that again.

Chicken. Come on, Jody, let's go home.

You gonna let your sister tell you what to do?

I'll bet she does your fighting for you, too.

Jody, just remember what Uncle Bill said.

Fighting doesn't settle anything.

And I'm too grown up to let you talk me into a dumb fight.

See that, Pop?

He says he's grown up.

Let's go, Tom. His uncle was only bluffing, and we called his bluff.

Chicken! Chicken!

Come on, let's go home.

Stick through stones will break your bones, but words will never harm you.

I know, but they called Uncle Bill a chicken, too. That harms me.

Sure is hard to believe.

Are you going to do something about it, Uncle Bill?

Anybody could live in one of those things for two weeks in space.

Did you know that Pyrrhus lost almost half of his army when he defeated those

Romans at Asculum? Yep.

That's where the expression Pyrrhic victory comes from.

What does it mean?

It means when you win a fight, but it wasn't worth it.

Pyrrhus said, one more such victory and I am lost.

I guess I lost, too.

No, you did the right thing, Jody.

Is something still right when people get the wrong idea about it?

What do you mean?

I mean like Tom and his father, thinking we're afraid to fight.

No, no, it's more important to do what you know is right than to worry about

what people are going to think and try to impress them, see?

That's easy to say when Tom Richards isn't calling you chicken, chicken,

bawk.

Were you scared?

No. You should have seen Jody, Uncle Bill. He was about to zonk him.

See? You know you've got courage.

What good is it if I can't use it?

Well, courage is a whole lot of things.

Like for an astronaut, it means staying calm and in control of himself no matter

what happens to him. See?

Sure, Jody. It takes a lot more courage to avoid a fight than to start one.

Gee, then Tom and his father are really chicken.

How about that, Uncle Bill?

That's right.

Man.

I bet he told the whole school I was afraid to fight.

Don't listen to them, Jody. Just eat your lunch.

I don't understand boys, Audrey.

Neither do I.

I hope it won't be the same when they grow up into men.

They're just like an adobe.

I know.

Hey, why did the chicken cross the road?

His uncle didn't want to fight Tom's father.

Let's go eat somewhere else.

Hey, chicken, where are you going?

You shouldn't have done that, Tom.

What are you going to do about it?

Told you it was chicken.

Chicken all the way through.

Let's go.

bravest thing I ever saw anybody do. You were wonderful, Jody.

I don't feel brave or wonderful. I just feel chicken.

Well, I do hope that this late snack won't ruin your appetite for dinner.

You don't have to worry about the kids, Frenchie. They can really stash it away.

I didn't think I'd ever feel like eating again.

Oh, that was three hours ago.

Time and an empty stomach can heal many wounds.

Say, what's going to be tomorrow?

I mean, it's a waste of tuna fish if that smart -aleck kid is going to dump

lunch again.

Maybe we ought to eat in the cafeteria.

Say, I got an idea.

Why don't I pack you a hard salami?

And maybe you could use it for a club.

You know, Jody, I think at this moment, discretion would be the better part of

valor. I think one should avoid a direct confrontation with this boy.

Why don't I just stay out of school for the rest of the week?

That would be avoiding the problem.

Now, one must hold on to one's principles.

What if Jody's holding on to his principles and Tom comes up and slugs

Yeah, what happens then?

Well, then, Jody, I'm afraid if you are forced into a corner, you have no other

recourse. You must defend yourself.

Hey, Uncle Bill could teach you how to fight. Why don't you ask him when he

comes home?

Well, unfortunately, Mr. Davis won't be home this evening. He's out of town on

business. Boy, just when I need him the most.

Well, Jody, it so happens that I have some knowledge of the manly art.

Now, I can teach you the fundamentals in short order.

You know about fighting, Mr. French?

Self -defense, Jody.

Yes, I did some boxing when I was in the services.

Must have been a long time ago.

But it is still fresh in my memory. Thank you, Buffy.

Well, Jody, would you like a lesson in fisticuffs?

Sure. Very well. Let's start right away, shall we?

Want a lesson in fisticuffs too, Buffy?

No, thanks. Mr. French said it was a manly art.

Now, Jody, the first thing one must learn is the proper stance.

How's this, Mr. French?

That's not bad, but get your elbows in a little tighter. That's right, and flex

your knees a little.

What if Tom kicks me?

Kicks you?

Good heavens, that's against the Marquis of Queensbury rules.

What's that?

Well, those are the rules of fair boxing. One may not gouge, nor kick, nor

deliver a rabbit punch.

The rabbit punch?

Why would I want to punch a rabbit?

That's trying to deliver a blow to the back of the neck.

Well, if Tom can't do any of those things, and I don't do any of those

what's left, Mr. French? A good, clean boxing match.

Now I will teach you to parry a blow.

Now go ahead, Jody.

Punch straight out with your left hand.

Hey, that's neat, Mr. French. Could you come to school with me tomorrow?

No, no, no, no. Come on. Let's do it again.

I want to see if Tom's around.

So what if he is?

Mr. French said not to get too close to him.

Well, that was before he gave me my boxing lessons.

Jody, you're not going to fight unless you absolutely can't help it.

Well, I'm not scared of him.

And if he does something first, then he's going to get it.

Hey, you dropped your books.

You pushed them, so you pick them up.

Make me.

I'll get him. No, bub.

Tom's going to.

Oh, yeah?

Now you're gonna get it. Put him up.

Marcus of Queensberry rules.

What's that?

That means to fight fair.

Okay. Jody!

Are you okay, Jody?

Yeah. I just wonder if this ever happened to the Marquess of Queensberry.

How's that, Slugger?

Jody was very brave. It's hard to defend yourself three against one.

Well, it's not very fair either.

Well, he didn't hurt me too much.

Well, by the looks of your hands, you got in some good licks yourself.

That's what happened when I socked Tom in the knee.

I got in a good lick, Emily. I tore Tom's shirt.

Fighting is absolutely barbaric. And you know what Uncle Bill said?

Mr. Frank said it was okay if I was trapped.

I was just trying to help Jody.

Listen, why don't you guys leave us alone?

I'd like to talk to Jody.

Well, explain to him about fighting, will you, Emily?

That's exactly what I'm going to do.

Your hand better?

Lots. Okay, get up.

What for?

I'm going to teach you how to handle yourself.

Mr. French already taught me the rules of Marquis of Queensberry.

Oh, well, no wonder you got clobbered.

The market at Queensberry is for the boxing ring, not for the schoolyard.

What are you going to teach me?

I'm going to teach you street fighting, kiddo.

You mean kicking and stuff?

I mean everything.

Now, the first rule is only to use your hands for defense.

Otherwise, you might hurt him.

Well, I don't know about... Ah, come on. Put up your dukes. Let's go.

Hey, Gilda, your shoelace is untied. But I don't have...

You see, I could have clobbered you.

But I thought you said the first rule was not to use your hands, only for

defense.

Yeah, and the second rule is never pay any attention to what the other guy

You got it?

Got it.

Okay, now I'm going to show you how to fake a kick and follow through with a

shortcut to the chops, right?

Okay. Okay, here we go.

Oh, no, you don't, Jody. Don't fool an old pro like that.

Hey.

How you doing?

Oh, hi, Mr. Davis.

How was the trip?

Just fine, just fine.

What's going on there?

Well, I got in a fight, but Tom hit me first. Oh.

Yeah, but it won't happen again. I've been teaching the slugger here how to

protect himself.

Emily's really sneaky.

You better believe it. I teach him to hit first and ask questions afterwards.

It's the only way he can survive in the jungle.

Well, Emily, I've been trying to teach him that we don't live in a jungle

anymore. Well, Emily was just trying to help.

Gee, I hope you're not teed off, Mr. Davis.

No, Emily, I appreciate what you're trying to do.

I just don't think that fighting settles anything, see?

Hey, you know, your uncle's a smart cookie.

He's smarter than me.

You better listen to him, huh?

Get your jacket.

Where are we going?

We're going to go and see Tom and his father and see if we can get this thing

straightened out, okay?

Okay.

Yeah?

Hello,

my name's Davis. I'm Joe's uncle.

Oh, you're the guy who didn't show up at the park on Saturday. Yeah. You mind if

we come in?

What do you want?

Well, Tommy picked a fight with Jody today.

Is that what you're doing here, Davis?

Can't your kid fight his own battles?

Doesn't look like Tom could fight his own battles. He had two friends with

see?

My kid doesn't need any help.

He can handle his dukes.

I taught him.

Steve sneaked up behind me and helped Tom knock me down.

You're lying, and your sister tore my shirt, so it was really two against one.

I'm not lying.

Big fat chicken liar.

Hey, your shoelaces aren't tied.

Hey, that's not fighting fair.

No, it's not.

Well, aren't you going to do something about it?

He's supposed to fight his own battles, remember?

Okay, Tom, show the kid a thing or two. I don't want to, Pop.

Sure you want to.

No, Pop, I don't.

I see.

You can dish it out, but you can't take it, huh?

We're going to have a little talk after they leave.

Okay, we'll leave. Come on.

Oh, it's great.

I don't know. Maybe I didn't do such a good job with Jody.

Oh, Uncle Bill, sure you have.

Oh, I'm afraid Jody's had a few puzzles lately, sir.

Sure was a winner today. That other kid backed right off from him. He was scared

to death.

There's no point in worrying, sir.

Jody did what had to be done.

Well, they try to teach each other the difference between right and wrong. It

always seems to come down to force in the end.

Looks like we're to him anyway, I guess.

But he's got to live in a real world.

Jody, what are you doing out of bed?

I have to talk to Uncle Bill.

Okay.

What is it, Jode?

I couldn't sleep. I kept on worrying about Tom.

How come?

Well, I didn't want to hit him, and it made me feel awful.

Well, that's good. I'm glad you feel that way.

What if Tom came back to school tomorrow?

And his dad made him try to get even.

Well, that could be. A lot of people spend their whole lives trying to get

And if his friends helped him, then I would have had to get my friends to help

me. And there could have been a whole war in the schoolyard.

That's right.

Those things are real hard to stop once they get started, too.

Everything he said about fighting was true, Uncle Bill.

It's dumb.

It's the dumbest thing I ever did.

But I'm glad it's over.

Good night.

Wait a minute. Hey, what do you mean you're glad it's over?

Oh, well, I called Tom and told him I was sorry.

You called him and told him you were sorry?

Sure. He knows I'm not chicken.

But this way he can think that I backed down and he doesn't have to try and get

even.

I don't think we're going to be friends, Uncle Bill.

But I don't think we're going to be enemies either.

Good night.

It's been very good of you to watch.

And we do hope to see you again next week on Family Affair.