Original subtitles

How'd it go in school?

I got an A in penmanship and four wrong in spelling.

I guess you're going to have to do better in spelling, huh?

Uh -uh. I'm going to do worse in penmanship.

What's that supposed to mean?

That way the teacher can't tell if I spelled wrong or not.

Bye, Uncle Bill. Bye -bye, Uncle Bill. Bye.

Bye.

There they go.

Why, sir, I thought we had the children home from school.

You did.

Jody's here. The girls are in transit.

They went upstairs.

Again, sir?

We've been all through that before.

Yes, but, sir, the girls have been spending all their spare time upstairs

Miss London. And really, sir, we know very little about her.

Well, the woman hasn't got any children of their own, so the kids are probably

helping her out with washing dishes and running errands and things like that.

That's all.

Strange, sir.

They never show an interest in that sort of thing here.

You get a big kick out of doing things for other people you couldn't pay them

do at home.

How much would you pay us, Uncle Bill?

It was opening night, and the theater was packed.

And I was doing my number call, let's have a little fresh air.

And after the end of the chorus, I walked stage right and opened the

But it wouldn't open.

What did you do?

Took off my shoe and I tossed it right through the window. Then I turned to the

audience and I said, there, that's better, isn't it? And went right on.

Were they mad at you?

Mad? It brought the house down.

They kept him in the act.

Oh, we'd love to see you in a show on Broadway, Miss London.

Laura, it's just a question of the right part.

Telling that fresh air story again, huh?

What kept you so long?

Well, there I was meandering in the pickles and olives when this man stopped

and told me he liked the way I pushed a shopping cart. And how would I like to

push one in a Hollywood supermarket?

Oh, quickie ad -libs. What do we got for dinner?

Say, for me, for you.

Carrots and cottage cheese.

What kind of a crummy dinner is that?

You're going to start eating sensible.

Hi, girl. Hello, Ruby.

Eating sensible, not a hunger strike.

I ought to fire her.

You fired her yesterday.

I did?

Good. That'll teach you who's star of this house.

Because she's right about eating sensibly. An actress has to watch her

or nobody else will.

watch my figure as soon as I get one.

Come on, kids.

Showtime.

What are we going to put on the boards today?

The number we worked on yesterday.

Oh, good. I've got that one down cold. And I memorized the words. Great.

Now I'll show you how to sell it. Sissy, give us an intro.

A sailor is just an ordinary...

hasn't seen a girl in 17 months.

The trouble with Tony is he acts so naughty about it.

Buffy, that's not a call.

Come in.

And what are we doing with our bedspreads?

Oh, they aren't bedspreads, Mr. French. They're curtains.

It's to get the feeling of the stage.

It's a proscenium arch.

Oh, I'm sorry. I had no idea that I'd wandered into an off -Broadway bedroom.

Laura London gave us each a side to read.

A side of what?

A side is what they call the pages of a script, Mr. French.

This one is from a play that Laura was in.

See? The Boys in Blue.

Didn't they all fall, though?

But Laura clicked big. She really rocked them.

Boy, are we ever lucky that she moved into this building.

She's a star.

Really? Well, I'm sure they'll be delighted at the Hagen Planetarium. Now,

you'll excuse me, I have dinner to attend to.

Carrots and cottage cheese for me, Mr. French.

But, Buffy, I'm preparing your favorite dinner.

Southern fried chicken.

Sorry, Mr. French.

That's the way the grease paints.

Whatever it is, we gave at the office.

Madam, I am not a salesman.

Madam, the name is French.

Sissy and Buffy's Mr. French?

Mr. Davis is French.

Come on in, whoever you are.

Hey, Miss London, we got a...

Come on and have a look at him.

She'll be right in.

Oh, hello.

Oh, good afternoon, madam.

This here is none other than Mr. French, in person.

Yes, we wished to ascertain whether Buffy had left her sweater.

Ruby, doesn't he remind you of Stonewall?

Stonewall was fuzzier.

He was one of my husband's darlings. His first name was, uh, uh...

Gerald.

Thank you, darling.

Gerald. When you've struck out a few times, you don't always remember who's

pitching. Oh, I'm sorry, but I'm not a sports fan.

Did you ever catch one of my performances?

No, madam. I'm very sorry.

You can see Shakespeare written all over him. Well, I played Portia in a musical

once. I knocked him in the aisles with my quality of mercy conga.

The quality of mercy is not strange.

Excuse me, I must be off.

We'll come back again any time.

Of course, loud, a very uncultured attitude toward the theatre. In short,

she's no better than a common busker.

You sound like she made too good an impression. I want some glue.

It's not I we're concerned with, sir. It's the children.

I'm sure you wouldn't care for them to associate with this Laura London.

Laura London?

Is that who it is?

You've heard of her, sir?

Well, sure, I've heard of her. She's like Mary Martin, Barbara Streisand.

got a million fans.

And I'm one of them.

Oh, I... Well, I hadn't realized, sir.

Sure. I remember one time I paid a whole week's salary for tickets just for one

of her opening nights.

It was a musical version of Portia, and she did this conga. The quality of

mercy.

Sir,

the point is, our young girls have been neglecting their homework and their

friends lately, sir. And, well, you all hear the language they've picked up,

sir. Hold that steady now. Yes, sir.

I'm sure that she'd be a bad influence on them, sir.

Oh, French, I'm sure at all.

Perfectly harmless.

There. Now.

I'm some engineer. I can move mountains and put dams and rivers, but I can't

make two sticks of balsa wood stick together.

If you'll excuse me, sir.

Now, French, look.

If you'll put your mind at ease, I'll go talk to Laura London, okay?

Oh, thank you, sir.

Stop counting.

I never had my name in the papers, not even once.

Buffy, they don't write about just ordinary people.

Like us?

You're not ordinary. You've got talent.

Oh, not really.

Yes, really.

I've got big plans for you.

Why do you suppose I've been working with you?

Me too?

Sure. It takes two to make a sister act. A sister act?

Of course, you've got to work hard at it. There's no time for anything else.

Who needs anything else?

Ruby, see who's at the door.

I'm fired.

You're rehired.

Hello, I'm Bill Davis.

Uncle Bill. Hi.

Come on. Uncle Bill. Hello.

This is Laura London.

She's in all these scrapbooks.

Well, Miss London, I've been a fan of yours for a long time.

Oh, I can't tell you what charmingly talented children you have.

Well, thank you. I hope they haven't been bothering you too much.

Bothering me, darling?

They've been darlings.

Uncle Bill, Nora has plans for us.

So does Mr. French. He's keeping dinner waiting.

Oh, Uncle Bill, do we have to go?

Yep.

Now, mind your Uncle Bill.

It's time to exit smiling.

Okay, we'll exit.

Bye -bye, Miss London.

Oh, Miss London.

Actually, I've met you many times before.

Across the footlights, like they say.

My first time was many years ago.

Well, not that many.

Oh, no. Oh,

well. Won't you sit down? Come on. Please sit down.

Yes, do it. And stay for a while. Well, French is expecting me, too, but I've

been late for dinner before.

Ruby!

I'm way ahead of you.

You got nothing to worry about with the kids.

Well, I hope you're right, sir. You hope?

You must be from the British equivalent of Missouri.

I can take my word for it. Laura London is no more harmful than the Saturday

afternoon at the movies.

Like it, Buffy?

Uh -huh.

What are you doing?

Practicing my autograph.

Only I'm printing it.

I think I'll get an ash blonde wig.

Sissy? Hmm? I think I should change my name.

How come?

Buffy doesn't sound very showbiz.

It's the best way to get an education, though.

I want to quit.

To do what?

To go into show business.

Laura says I have talent.

Well,

you don't have to say anything just now.

Just think it over.

Sure.

Excuse me, sir.

But while you were in the shower, we had a call from Buffy's teacher.

Oh. Well, what is it?

Spelling?

New math?

What? No, sir.

It's show and tell.

You know, sir, when the children bring butterflies and rocks and tell about

them. I know. What about it?

Well, sir, it appears that when it was Buffy's turn, she got up and did a

song and dance.

Oh, well, at least she's original.

Yes, but I gathered from Buffy's teacher that if she'd sung one more chorus,

they would have raided the classroom.

Buffy! Yes, sir?

A teacher called.

I guess I bombed out.

What? You know, laid an egg.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I don't know what kind of a performance you gave there at school.

Nora taught me it.

Yeah, well, it's obvious that you shouldn't have done it in front of the

What do they know? They're just babies.

The teachers are square, too. They probably couldn't tell a backdrop from a

second banana.

I'm tired of school, Mr. French. I want to go into show business with Sissy.

All right, Buffy, I think it's about time you and your sister did a little

audition for me.

You're gonna flip!

The next time they have show and tell, you bring butterflies.

All right, go ahead. Say I told you so.

We don't find this an occasion for gloating, sir.

Thank you.

Hello, Ruby. Hey, Miss London home? She's at the beauty parlor getting an

estimate. We were hoping you could use the piano.

To show Uncle Bill. Well, come... my head and use it anyway.

You sure it's all right, ma 'am? Miss London only lives here. I run the house.

Make this house the home.

Uncle Bill, sit over here.

Ladies and gentlemen, introducing the Davis sisters.

Vicki?

Smile.

And if you're real good, I'll make you feel good. I want your spirit

to climb.

Sounds ominous. Kind of.

The kids.

Yeah.

Now, they're just nice, normal kids.

And very talented.

And pretty impressionable, too.

Of course.

Go on.

Well, what I'm getting at is this.

See,

I'm not doing this very well.

No, I would say not.

What you want me to do is play the heavy and discourage Sissy and Buffy from

going into show business. Right.

Thanks for putting the words in my mouth.

Now, they're starting to talk about dropping out of school, see?

Well, that's not a catastrophe. I did.

Sure, but you made it big, too. Now, how about the ones that don't make it?

How about the ones that don't make it at all?

But those kids have talent.

Oh, but you know better than anybody else that talent isn't enough.

Now, you see, what you'd be doing is taking them out of their little world

with no guarantee at all that they could even come near yours.

Now, how do you know what's best for them? You're strictly an amateur father.

Well, I kind of play it by ear. My instincts tell me if I'm right or not.

Okay. I'd resent it if you taught me how to read a line, so I'm not going to

teach you how to raise your children.

The stage is yours.

You are the director.

Thank you.

I'll tell him to get lost.

I don't want him to get hurt.

Oh, don't worry.

I'll say it nicely.

An actress has instincts, too.

Friends?

The best.

calls again, you tell them the phone's been disconnected permanently.

Imagine them offering me two lousy weeks in summer stock.

Me, Laura London.

Yuck, what a way to make a living.

It's the most wonderful way in the whole wide world.

You ought to look at it from where I'm standing.

I can hardly wait.

Can we rehearse it again right now?

Oh, sure, rehearse.

That's all I ever did when I was a kid.

Then one morning I woke up and found out I'd never been a kid.

No laughs, no fun, no nothing.

But you were a success.

You bet I was. Always in the spotlight.

When they turned it off, where was I?

In a beautiful apartment with lots of gorgeous clothes and furs and jewels.

And alone.

A phone that hardly rings.

But the audience has loved you. You said so.

Darling, they adore me. That's why I'm going to take that lousy two weeks in

summer stock.

I need the love and applause.

And an audience is the only one that's going to give it to me.

You make it sound so different now.

Listen, kids.

You don't have to be accepted by an audience.

You've got enough love right now.

You mean Uncle Bill and Mr. French?

On the nose.

Are you trying to tell us that we shouldn't go into show business?

I'm trying to tell you to stay in school.

Be kids as long as you can.

That's not very exciting.

Uncle Bill told you to say this, didn't he?

No one tells Laura London how to read her lines.

All your Uncle Bill told me is that he loves you.

And love is a clause they don't put in contracts.

So hang on to it, kids.

Hang on.

So long, kids.

How did it go?

Ruby, I feel like we just closed in New Haven.

Oh.

Good evening, sir.

Hi, French.

Girls home?

They're in their rooms, sir.

I suppose they want to talk to me, huh?

Well, they have been rather quiet, sir.

Well, disappointment comes hard when you're young.

Uncle Bill, we're glad to see you. Yeah? We have lots to tell you.

All right.

Well, Laura says that show business is a really rough racket.

Yeah, I imagine it is.

Well... We want to find out for ourselves.

If it's lousy or not.

Rotten?

You mean you still want to go into show business?

Yeah.

That is, if we still feel this way after we finish school.

I'm glad you decided that.

We decided that we loved you, Mr.

French. Very much.

Me too.

Okay. Hey, what do you say we go to a movie?

Good idea. Let's go. I'm begging your pardon, sir, but tonight's a school

Oh, that's right. Okay.

Get the books.

Do we have to?

Yes, you have to.

Gene, we almost could have seen a movie.

Well...