Original subtitles

Would you mind saying that again?

I said I wondered if it wouldn't be a good idea if we rotated the seating

arrangements at the dinner table.

What's a rotate?

Well, she means that she thinks we should change the places where we sit at

table when we eat every night.

Why?

Because then no one would ever dominate.

What's a dominate?

That's sort of a boss.

Are you trying to say that I dominate the table?

Oh, well, you can't help it, Uncle Bill, but you're taller than us. Your voice

is louder.

All I mean is, if you're at the head of the table every night, then our puny

personalities can never emerge.

Mm -hmm.

Well, friends, we're going to start rotating the seating arrangements.

Tomorrow night...

I'll be here and Sissy will be there and Jody will be here and then Buffy will

be at the head of the table. Very good, sir. We're doing this so no one will be

dominant over the rest of the family.

I see, Miss Sissy.

I knew you would, Giles.

Next thing the giant knew, he was falling and falling.

But lucky for him, he fell into a pillow factory.

Hey, me.

And the feathers flew and flew for miles all around.

Is that because some of the pillows busted?

Burst? No, it was because he was a big, fat, heavy guy.

And all he had to do to get home now was to cross over the Sea of Tortoises.

And a desert of dreams.

Did they live happily ever after?

Sure, they always do.

Well, come, children, time to retire.

I'll put them to bed, Giles.

Come on, you guys. Good night, Uncle Bill.

Good night. How come they're putting us to bed, Sissy?

Well, it's time we develop our sibling relationship.

Oh.

Come on, buddy.

Oh, is Miss Sissy indulging in what is known as a phase, sir?

I guess so, French.

That's what all the table rotating's about.

I see.

Then we are to permit the young lady to address us as Giles, sir?

She can't keep it up for long.

Do you mind, really?

Apart from the fact that I've always detested my first name, sir, no, sir.

I'm pretty sure she'll tell us what it's all about soon.

In the meantime, what harm can it do?

You mean the giant didn't live happily ever after?

Well, Buffy, in the first place, there's no such thing as a giant.

Or a sea of tortoises. Or a desert of dreams.

And how come Uncle Bill keeps telling us about him?

Oh, Uncle Bill feels that children should be told fantasies because they're

ready for life.

But recent studies show that children are able to accept a lot more than has

been realized.

Julian says this is known as a precocious perception syndrome.

Well, who's Julian?

Oh, he's a great and wonderful man.

So, when Uncle Bill tells you these stories, be polite and listen, but don't

accept them.

Just tell yourself, this is not reality.

Okay, Jody, I'll put you to bed now.

Sure. Uncle Bill tells fibs.

Let's get off school, all right? Yes, sir.

Oh, uh, I hesitate to mention this, sir, but I have the

distinct impression that this phase Miss Sissy's passing through is taking a

nasty turn.

Huh?

Yes, we had a lengthy discourse last night, sir, in which the young woman

attempted to incite me to rebellion.

What do you mean, Frank?

Well, I can't give you a verbatim quote, sir, but the general gist of the

conversation was that I am in a condition of servitude bordering on

There was considerable quoting from a source called Julian.

Julian?

Who's he, some new boyfriend?

I fancy so, sir.

Well, what does she want you to do?

Oh, I am to assert myself, sir.

I am to consider myself the equal of anyone on this planet.

I believe that was the way she phrased it, sir.

Yes, sir, and I am not to address her as Miss Sissy.

And I am to sit in your present if I feel so inclined.

And, oh, yes, sir, and last, I am not to pepper my conversations with sirs, sir.

Well, it looks like this Julian, whoever he is, has started her thinking. I

guess there's nothing wrong with that.

No, of course not, sir.

Are we to ignore the proceedings, sir?

French I read somewhere the best way to get close to kids is to stay away from

them.

Walter Pulsimer says he's got one in his basement.

Well, we know better, don't we?

If Walter Pulsimer doesn't have a giant in his basement, how come Jody and me

paid a nickel to see it?

Did you actually see the giant?

No.

Walter said he just went out for a walk.

Now, sir, I believe you should know that...

Miss Sissy is preparing your dinner with the doubtful aid of the twins.

How'd that come about?

Well, in pursuing the theory that this phase would soon pass her, I allowed the

young woman into my domain, so to speak. And she's now preparing what she fondly

believes to be your favorite dinner, steaks and chops.

Well, if we can't choose.

Steaks and chops?

Yes, sir.

Oh, sir, and the matter of feudalism came up again.

Now what?

Well, I'm to retire to my quarters while you're being served dinner and... put

my feet up, sir.

Dinner is served.

Here we are, Uncle Bill. I cooked them well done because...

Lonely savages eat their meat raw.

These were gonna be baked potatoes, but they kept falling on the floor, so we

masked them.

What do you got in the bag?

Donuts. I can't eat steaks and chops when they look like that.

Me, me.

Nice feeling to know that Mr. French is in his room.

I've just been informed by Miss Sissy that I'm to wear slacks in an open

Now, really, sir.

Would you be more comfortable?

I would perish, sir.

May I suggest that the young woman is misguided?

Oh, I know she means well, sir. Why, she even offered to buy me the slacks out

of her savings. But really, sir, as a former employer used to say, one doesn't

put bear grease on the tracks to speed the train along.

What's that mean?

I never knew, sir, but it always seemed apt.

May I suggest, sir, that a strong talk in Miss Sissy's direction is indicated.

This Julian of hers is taking her too far.

Right. You're right.

Oh, thanks. I'll handle this one alone. Oh, very good, sir.

Sissy, you mind if we have a little talk?

Oh, I'd be glad to, Uncle Bill.

I think one of the things we need around here is more communication.

Julian says that communication is the lifeblood of living.

Well, listen, did you mention anything to the twins about me telling them fibs?

No, Uncle Bill.

Good. Well, they must have got mixed up.

She just says there's no such thing as a sea of dreams.

and a turtle desert.

Buffy, I'll handle this, okay?

What did you tell him, honey?

Well, simply that you've been fantasizing, Uncle Bill, and that we're

give the stories any, um, credence. Does that mean there is a turtle desert?

Buffy.

Honey, do you mind if I say that I think you're using some words and theories

that you're not quite sure of?

Oh, I want you to say it, Uncle Bill.

It's all part of communication.

Julian would want you to, too.

Honey,

I never have tried to horn in on your personal emotions or anything, but right

now I think this Julian's kind of a big influence on your life.

Julian stands in front of the class like one of the gods on top of the

Parthenon. And he tells us about life and the world and human relationships

and communication.

You call your teacher Julian?

Only in her head.

Well, Fee, if you don't stay out of this, you're going to get in big

Julian Hill.

I won't call Julian a teacher, Uncle Bill.

Because he's bigger than that.

He has a stamp of greatness about him.

Like Leander.

Or Voltaire.

Or Cary Grant.

You'd love him, Uncle Bill.

I think you'd even understand most of the things he advocates.

Yeah.

Well, I'm glad we had a little talk, honey. Good night.

Good night, Uncle Bill. Good night, Uncle Bill.

Well, any results, sir?

French, I feel the need to communicate.

Communicate, sir? With whom?

Julian Hill.

Mr. Hill?

Yes.

My name's Davis. I'm Sissy Davis's uncle.

Oh, yes, yes, of course.

Do you mind if I go on working as we talk? I don't like to come to work with

shambles. No, go right ahead.

Well,

um... Sissy's quite taken to your subject.

Excellent student.

Thank you.

What I came to see about it... What I came to see about it is that Sissy's

anxious to start applying the psychology of yours at home.

That interfere with your dating, does it, Mr. Davis?

No, no.

It wouldn't.

That is, it wouldn't if I was... Well, I'm not quite so sure that she's

what you teach her correctly.

Well, she communicates with you, Mr. Davis.

I mean, does she tell you why she's doing whatever it is she does?

Yeah, we had a couple of talks, but something new has crept into the

now, see?

Oh, I think she's developing one of those half -hero worship, half

-infatuation... Excuse me for a minute. Sure.

A thing like that certainly does jar the eyes.

Nancy, you were about to say, how would you like to have dinner with us tomorrow

night?

Well, I... Well, it just occurred to me, I thought it might be an excellent

opportunity for you to watch some of your theories in action.

Oh, they're not my theories, Mr. Davis.

I simply pass on the work of others.

Oh, I see.

Yes, yes, that would be nice.

It's very kind of you to ask me.

Julian here?

Well, yeah, he seemed to like the idea.

Oh, but why?

Why did you even go down to school?

Why'd you ask him to dinner?

Oh, honey, I'm sorry. I just thought you'd like to get to know him better,

that's all.

Well, I would.

But I can't face him alone.

He's too great a man.

Can Gail come to dinner, too?

Sure, anything you say.

Oh, Uncle Bill, I'm half goosebumps and half chills.

This is going to be the greatest emotional experience of my life.

Nice.

Do we detect a method in your madness, sir?

Well, French, I'm hoping that you'll find out our hero has feet of clay.

I'm also hoping I haven't done something stupid.

choking me in the stomach.

And the stomach is tender. Will Walter post him or hit him? And all I said was

that he didn't have a giant in his face. Okay, let's go.

We'll talk about Walter and his giant later.

Julian's waiting for us.

And therefore, you see, self -consciousness can be a dreadful thing

true personality...

is hidden beneath a welter of self -denigration.

You see, it can't emerge.

Oh, I never heard anything so true, Mr. Hill.

Me neither.

Me neither.

Me neither.

Isn't, um... Sometimes isn't self -consciousness a form of self -esteem?

Oh, yes.

Sometimes. Sometimes, yes. But it's brought on, you see, through external

so that the subject...

He's never aware of his own importance to himself, you see.

I never heard anything so true, Mr. Hill. Oh, me neither.

Me neither.

What did he mean?

I don't know, but it sounded neat.

The thought occurs, sir, that you might all enjoy coffee in the living room.

Thank you, Frank.

Shall we stretch our legs?

Isn't he just a perfect individual, Uncle Bill?

In what way do we expect Mr. Hill to show his feet of clay, sir?

I don't know. French at school, he was so meticulous. He was lint picking and

straightening things all the time.

I guess I thought maybe... Better get in there, sir.

And much of it, I think, is due to conditioning, you see.

Thus the ancients were conditioned to much more brutality than we are now,

despite what we read in the papers.

These little tykes here, for instance, are conditioned.

Now, they're conditioned by the city around them. To accept traffic or

or noises, it would frighten the hardiest Roman warrior to death.

What's a tyke?

We are.

We quit being tykes when we were about 13.

Come, children.

Time for bed.

Okay. Will you tell us a story, Mr. Hill?

Hey, yeah.

About school.

No, about giants.

Hey, kid, watch it.

Look what they've done.

Little monsters.

And with cream and sugar, that almost never comes out.

We're sorry we wrecked your suit, mister.

We have some money in our piggy bank, if you want to have it fixed.

If it's less than a whole dollar, you can give Sissy the change at school.

It's just that it was hot and I wasn't expecting it.

It's a brand new suit.

I didn't mean to call you that. It just slipped out.

Well, it's been a lovely evening, Mr. Davis.

I think I'll be leaving.

I can't stand a damp suit.

It's real tough when your idol falls off his pedestal.

Oh, but he was so vile.

He made Buffy and Jody feel just terrible.

Oh, now, come on. You're going too far the other way.

He wasn't all that bad.

Now, sis, um, I want to tell you something.

Kind of sneaky of me, but I brought him here tonight on purpose.

Now, look, he's a good teacher.

He's a human, honey.

Just like the rest of us.

In fact, I was kind of hoping he'd do something like that.

I'm a little sorry now.

Sorry?

He yelled about that silly suit like a... Oh, like a... Oh, he yelled like a

that just had a hot cup of coffee dumped all over him.

Like a man.

Not like one of the gods on top of the Parthenon.

That's all I wanted to prove.

Uncle Bill, you're so smart.

That's where you're wrong.

I'm not so sure I handled this thing right either.

Anyway, I want you to promise me one thing, okay?

What?

You're going to go back to that class and learn from a teacher that knows his

job and not from some hero that can't make a mistake, okay? You promise?

I promise.

thing as a turtle desert and giants and junk.

Is there, Uncle Bill?

Well, I think maybe Sissy ought to answer that.

Uncle Bill, I'm going to do like you said.

Ask Mr. Hill how I should answer that.

I'll tell you tomorrow night.

Well, good night, honey.

Good night, Uncle Bill.

Good night, Uncle Bill.

Sorry about missing dinner. Are the kids going to bed?

I've only at this moment assisted them into their pajamas, sir.

Well, but... Oh, if you'll forgive me saying so, sir, I think you should.

But the flying fish said,

no, I'll never be able to fly again until I get a license.

The poor flying fish.

Quit worrying.

He'll get a license.

Huh, Sissy?

Well, now, flying licenses weren't easy to get in seaweed country because almost

nobody wanted to fly.

Hurry up, Sissy. Get him his license.

Well.

I'd say she's beginning to communicate with you.

Indeed, sir.

Are you coming?

Hmm? Oh, with your permission, sir.

I should like to see how the flying fish achieves his license.