Original subtitles

Hi, Nicholas.

Hi, Dad.

How long have you been home?

Uh, a while. Why?

I thought I saw you walking home with a girl. I stopped to give you a lift, but

by the time I turned around, you were gone.

A girl?

Nah, I never walk home with a girl. Must have been somebody else.

Oh, that's what I thought, but you sure look like you.

Oh, yes.

Yes, he's here.

Just a minute.

Nicholas, it's for you. I think it's a girl.

Her name is Polly Sanders?

Um, uh, we're doing a book report.

See you later, Nicholas.

There's a magic in the early morning we found.

When the sunrise smiles on everything around.

It's a portrait of the happiness that we feel and

always will.

Oh, it is enough to fill our...

Our days like bright and shiny new dimes

If we're ever puzzled by the changing

times There's a plate of homemade

wishes On the kitchen windowsill And

eight is enough to fill our

Or I spend the night.

That would be nice.

Except you have to go to work at six.

Which means you have to get up at five to go home and change. And that's only

three hours from now.

Once again, practicality and reason rears its ugly head.

There's a solution to our problem.

And what might that be?

We could move in together.

It's just a reminder.

You said you'd think about it.

I know.

And I'm getting around to thinking about it. I'm not asking for any commitments.

I'm just trying to simplify our life.

It's your place.

I could settle for yours.

With certain redecorating privileges.

In that case, I'll think about it harder.

Hi there.

Hi. Well, what do you think? Is it really me?

Well, it's a little hard to think of the van as Tommy Bradford. It's still more

David Bradford. Yeah, my point exactly.

You know, I met this girl in the school parking lot today, and she was really

interested until she saw my van.

She was totally underwhelmed.

You know, I think a man's wheels really ought to make a statement about who he

is, you know?

Now, what did this van say to you about me?

Not much.

Yeah, I know. But what if it had shag carpet, a souped -up engine,

sound, dual exhaust, and a velocity stack on the car? Then what would it say

you?

Intriguing. Ah, you took the words right out of my mouth.

And you'll be taking the bucks right out of your pocket. How do you intend to

finance this personality change?

Well, that's easy. I buy all the parts secondhand from a wrecking yard and do

all the work myself.

You can do all that mechanical stuff?

No, but I can learn.

You just wait. One day old super van here will be carting around Melanie

Causeway and other fine ladies.

Well, lucky them.

The who has done what?

The Society for the Preservation of the Nuclear Family, SPNF for short. Well,

they've accepted your nomination for their Father of the Year Award.

But why me?

Well, Tom, you must admit you've been rather, rather productive in that area.

Come on now, Elliot, please.

Why, I took the liberty of sending in your nomination myself.

Oh, then it was you.

Well, no thanks, Elliot. I've had enough awards this year.

Oh, now come on, Tom. You mustn't be so modest. You deserve all the recognition

you can get. And so does the paper.

Oh, now I get it. A little free publicity for the register.

Thanks a lot, but no thanks.

I really wish you'd reconsider as a favor to an old friend and employer.

Oh, well, since you put it that way, I don't have to make any speeches now, do

I? No, of course not.

Oh, you'll be expected to do a few little things.

In the next few days, a representative from the Society for the Preservation of

the Nuclear Family, or SPNF for short, is coming to visit.

His name is Robert Mayberry.

and he's coming here to interview the whole family to assess my qualifications

for their Father of the Year award.

Oh, another award.

Don't you have enough notches on your typewriter already, Dad?

Please, don't be sarcastic. Now, this is very important to the register.

We all have to do the best we can.

Do we get double allowances if we give you a great build -up? No, no, this all

has to be on the up -and -up. We must tell the truth and let the chips...

And the awards for where they may.

Ah, there goes all the fun.

Just consider it as part of the dues that we must pay for being a Bradford.

Oh, and I almost forgot.

I guess I should mention this. The winner gets a free trip for himself and

whole family to Hawaii.

Am I hallucinating or did I just hear someone mention a trip to Hawaii?

If you are, it's contagious. I've always wanted to go to Hawaii.

Really? Surfboards, water skiing? Yeah.

Really?

You know, suddenly I get this feeling that it's our moral duty to make sure

wins that award.

Yeah, but he said to tell the truth.

Hey, that's no problem.

Dad's a great father. Look at the terrific kids he turned out. Yeah.

Anyway, Dad's a shoe -in. When Mayberry comes, we'll just tell it like it is.

like it almost is.

Hello?

David?

Hi. Hi.

It's beautiful.

Thank you.

So what's going on? You said you had a big surprise for me.

Yeah.

I just wanted you to be the first to know that you have a new roommate and a

residence.

Are you serious?

Yeah, very serious.

About you?

Oh, David.

I carefully weighed the pros and cons, and I decided to do it anyway. It'll

out, David. I know it will.

Well, in that case, why don't we start things off in the right foot?

I love you, David Bradford.

All right, gentlemen, succeed.

Dad. Oh, well, you remember my face. I haven't seen you in so long. I was

beginning to wonder if you'd recognize me. So I brought you some breakfast. I

know you remember breakfast.

May I come in?

Yeah, I guess. You might as well. Might as well? Am I intruding or something?

I just wish I'd had a better chance to prepare you. Prepare me? For what?

Good morning, Mr. Bradford.

Oh.

Yeah, it is morning, isn't it?

We were going to tell you about this, Mr. Bradford.

Tell me about it? What?

You mean you eloped?

No, no.

But Janet's going to be living with me.

Oh.

Well, I, uh... I didn't bring enough breakfast for the three of us, so...

I'll just leave it with you.

How could David do this?

Tom, I know how you feel, and I agree that a wedding would have been lovely.

But if 24 -year -old David wants to live with 24 -year -old Janet, well, then

there's nothing we can do about it.

Why do my kids always have to do everything the hard way?

You're afraid David's going to get hurt, is that right?

Yes. There's no such thing as a half commitment. You don't avoid problems by

avoiding marriage.

What's going to carry them over the rough spots?

How about love?

Well, if they're that much in love, why are they having a trial run? Why don't

they get married?

Maybe they're not ready for marriage.

If David isn't ready for marriage, why is he ready for the problems of living

if he were?

I tell you, I don't understand it.

I mean, how would David have felt if you and I had lived together?

Then he wouldn't have understood.

What did you say to David?

Oh, gosh, don't remind me. I was in such a state of shock, I probably made a

fool of myself.

What are you going to say to the kids?

Don't worry about it. I think I hear the drums beating now.

Mary, have you heard? David and Janet are living together.

Yes, I had a hunch.

You did?

The details are your life.

I don't believe it. David down for the count?

David and Janet? What happened to Andrea, Sharon, and Cindy?

You mean there's not going to be a wedding?

I thought David had more respect for himself and for Janet.

That devil.

Why? What do you mean, Nicholas?

Well, everybody's whispering about David and Janet. When I walk into the room,

they act like I caught them doing something wrong.

What gives?

Oh, well, don't worry about it, Nicholas.

You wouldn't be interested.

It's grown -up stuff.

Boy, if you have to pull that grown -up stuff, this must be a really heavy one.

Hi, you're just in time to help. Here, hold this.

Ew.

Hey, Tommy, do you know Scott Shelley? He's on the basketball team. Yeah, hand

me that crescent wrench, will you?

He's kind of cute, don't you think?

Boy, this is a better fitter. I'm in big trouble.

I mean, cute in a tall sort of way.

Man,

this baby is going to run like a demon.

You know, the problem is, it's so hard to get to know. I think he's really shy.

Let's see. Did this tube go over there or over here?

How do you think I should get him to ask me out? If you were him, would you ask

me out?

You want me to ask you out on a date?

No, stupid. Scott Shelley.

You want me to ask Scott Shelley out on a date?

But you've been listening. I want to go out with Scott Shelley.

Oh.

Scott Shelley's a jerk. You don't want to go out with him.

That's a lot for the advice.

They don't mention it.

Mr. Bradford, I'm Robert L. Mayberry from the Society for the Preservation of

the Nuclear Family.

Oh, yes, right, SPN after short.

Won't you come in? Oh, thank you. I tell you, I was just on my way out. Oh,

well, actually, I'm here to interview your children and your wife.

Oh, wonderful, wonderful. Well, then I'll tell Abby that you're here.

Abby, Mr.

Mayberry is here. Come on down.

She'll be right down. Maybe I'll see you when I get back. Have a nice day, Mr.

Mayberry. Abby!

Oh. Oh.

May I help you? Robert L. Mayberry. I'm waiting for Mrs.

Bradford. Oh. Well, hi. I'm Joni Bradford. I'll see if she's upstairs.

Oh, I think we've got everything.

Hey, hi. How are you doing? Hello.

I'm Robert L. Mayberry. Oh, are you waiting for somebody?

Well, actually, Joni said that she... Oh, Joni. She'll take forever.

Yeah. Let's go see if we can hurry her up.

Hello.

Oh.

Hello. I'm Robert L. Mayberry.

Hi. Mary Bradford. Who are you waiting for? Oh, well, originally Mrs. Bradford.

Oh, Abby. Abby's in the kitchen, I think. I'll go get her. Just a minute.

Hello.

Hi.

Excuse me, Bob Mayberry. This is Tommy Elizabeth Bradford. How do you do?

It's Robert L.

Um, Abby's not in the kitchen. She must be upstairs. Why don't you take off your

coat? Make yourself comfortable. I'll be right back.

Hey, who's that guy out there?

I don't know. It's somebody waiting for Joanie. Mary said something about Abby.

Wait a minute. Mayberry?

Where have I heard that before?

I don't know. It has a familiar ring to it.

Ring?

Diamond? Diamond head?

Hawaii!

Are you sure we have to do this?

Oh, we've got to get it over with sometime.

I think I'd rather be taking my bar exam.

Oh, Janet, you just don't know how happy we are that David's finally settling

down. It's about time, believe me. Oh, really?

And as a token of our appreciation, I've got a present for you.

Oh, Susan, you don't have to give me a present. Oh, no, no, no, no, I insist.

Well, actually, it's a present for both you and David. I took the liberty of

writing down some of his favorite recipes.

But, Susan...

Janet, everybody knows that the way to David's heart is through his appetite.

Right back.

Well, Janet, now that we're finally alone, tell me, how's it going with

Well, it's only been a few days, Mary.

Well, I know that, but, well, it's not too early for some good advice.

David has got to be treated very, very carefully.

You've got to keep a tight rein on him.

Let him know that you care.

Otherwise, he gets really insecure.

There's not many people who know that about David.

But believe me, a sister knows.

Mayor, telephone for you.

I'll be right back.

Oh, Janet, I'm so happy for you and David. You make such a nice couple.

Oh, I mean, if you knew all the girls that have come and gone.

Listen, can I give you some advice?

David is a very complex person.

I mean, he needs to feel free. You know what I mean? The secret to keeping David

will be, well, as the Syrian poet Hashiel Katarsis,

hold him with open arms.

Hold him with open arms?

Don't hover.

Don't intrude.

Do you know what I mean?

These are things that a sister really knows.

You're just the man I wanted to see.

Take a look.

Presenting the ultimate.

Oh, my.

The ultimate what?

Oh, hey, come take a look at the engine.

I got it all souped up.

Are you ready?

Hey, Tommy, this van is very sensitive.

It took tender, loving care to keep it running all those years. You know, if

you've tampered with it too much, I don't know what might happen. It might

a nervous breakdown.

Hey, David, no problem. I did all of the work personally.

I'm sorry, big fella. If I'd known this was coming, I would have taken you to

the junkyard and put you out of your misery.

Janet, here's your recipe.

And guess what? Tonight we are having David's all -time number six favorite

recipe for dessert, so you'll be able to see exactly how he likes it fixed.

Well, actually, Susan, we take turns preparing our meal. Oh, Janet, that's

dangerous. David has to be fussed over.

David? Yeah, David.

Oh, no, Janet, she's wrong.

Don't listen to her. She doesn't know what she's talking about. David, fussed

over. Did I hear someone mention dinner?

Tell me, Janet, how are things going at law school?

Great, Mr. Bradford. Just the other day.

I think the law is so fascinating. Oh, thank you. It's just like a real -life

drama, don't you think? Yeah, it really is. Especially criminal law. Hey, I bet

you'd be a trip defending a criminal, but all the big bucks I hear are on

corporate law.

Well, I wouldn't know about that because most of our cases... I bet they're

malpractices. I mean, by the time that I'm a doctor, I'm going to need a

relative who's a lawyer.

What I meant was that...

a friend would do.

Can I ask you a question?

What's going on with David and Janet that I'm not supposed to know about?

Nicholas, please. You're embarrassing our guest.

Oh, Dad, it's all right. Nicholas, Janet, and I are living together.

Oh, but aren't people who live together supposed to be married?

How come you didn't invite me to the wedding?

Uh, well, there hasn't been a wedding.

don't get it. If there hasn't been a wedding... Nicholas, you'll understand

you get older. That's the end of the discussion.

Boy, everybody else in this family can be older, except me.

Oh, poor Janet. Nicholas really embarrassed her.

Don't worry about Janet. She'll get over it. Worry about us getting to Hawaii.

Yeah. If Nicholas tells the Reverend Robert L. about Janet and David, it'll

everything. Really, there's nothing very nuclear about Dave and Janet's living

arrangement. Why did Janet have to come into David's life right now anyway?

No, no, no, no. Calm down, Nancy.

No big deal.

We'll just have to keep Nicholas away from the Reverend and not mention Janet

and David's living arrangements.

Yeah, is that really honest?

We'll talk about it.

In Hawaii.

You haven't said a word since we left the house.

I'm sorry.

Your family left me a little speechless.

Yeah, it can be a little overwhelming.

I'm just trying to make you feel at home. I felt at home, all right.

Nicholas is upset with us.

Your father's uncomfortable every time he looks at me. I got four kinds of

advice on how to conduct our romance.

Oh, Tommy wants me to check over his new tape deck warranty for illegal

loopholes.

In your spare time.

What spare time?

What did you say?

Oh, nothing.

Oh, hi.

Hello. I hope I'm not intruding, but I have a few more Bradfords to talk to.

no, of course not. Come on in. Do you have a few minutes?

Me? Well, gee, I'm going downtown. You see, there's a sale, and I'm kind of in

hurry, but maybe you could talk to some of the other kids in the house, huh?

Hi. Oh, Nicholas.

On the other hand, maybe I do have a few extra minutes that I could spare. I

mean, I know how important it is for you to get the whole picture.

Nicholas, Abby wants you in the kitchen right now.

This is a beauty. It is a total classic. You're going to love it.

Yeah, it's a classic.

It's great.

Where's Abby?

How should I know?

But Nancy said she was in... Shh.

I'm talking to Melanie Causeway.

If anybody wants me, I'll be in my clubhouse.

I'm sorry, Melanie. It was my little brother.

Anyway, how would you like to take a ride in my new wheels?

Well, it used to belong to my older brother, but there have been a few

modifications. Yeah, I'd like to show them to you.

Friday?

It'd be great.

All right, bye -bye.

Out of the way.

not here well actually i came by to see you i need some advice uh got a minute

sure sit down so uh

what kind of advice do you need well let's see there's this guy at school and

he's really cute and everything but he's quiet and shy you know a lot like david

so anyway i'm trying to figure out how to get him to ask me out so uh why don't

you just ask him out Is that how you got David? You took the initiative?

No, not really.

Um, all I can tell you is just to be yourself.

Oh, but I'm shy too, and if I'm myself and he's himself, then we'll never get

anywhere.

I bet you put some good moves on David. I mean, to get him to let you move in

and everything, right?

Uh, I didn't put any moves on him.

It was a mutual decision.

I'm sorry, I...

Didn't mean to pry into your trade secrets.

Trade secrets.

Hi,

what are you doing here?

Oh, just girl talk with Rue.

How's it going? Fine.

I've got to get ready for class. Excuse me, please.

Something the matter?

No, nothing's wrong. I've got to get home for dinner. Bye.

Bye.

See you later.

Want another piece of Danny's magic pizza?

Mm -hmm.

How elegant.

Don't worry. The real David Bradford will soon emerge with torn T -shirt and

can of beer.

I can handle that.

I hope I'm not intruding too much.

No, no, no. Janet and I are just having a little dinner.

Oh, well, maybe I can come back a little later.

Is it something important?

Well, kind of. You see, I'm on the remodeling committee down at the daycare

center, and I promised to work out a budget, but I don't know anything about

construction, and it has to be done tomorrow, and it'll only take a couple

minutes, and I'll please.

Come on in.

Oh, thanks.

Would you care for a piece of pizza? We have vegetarian bonanza and idiot's

delight. Oh, no, thanks. I already ate. I'll just wait here. Don't mind me. I'll

just...

Aren't

you hungry?

No. I think I've had just about an eight.

Hello, Janet?

Hi, this is Nancy Bradford. Is David there, please?

Uh, yes.

Nancy, where are you?

I'm at a party.

Oh!

And my date is found!

Look, I don't want to risk driving home with him. And he won't give me the car

keys. And I can't drive home.

Like, it's after curfew.

And if I call Dad, well, I'll be grounded for a week.

Do you think David could give me a ride home?

David's asleep, Nancy.

I could come.

Oh, no, Janet, I wouldn't want to impose on you.

Oh, that's okay. I've been there myself.

I don't mind, really.

No, no, no, I couldn't. I mean, it's one thing if you were family, but I...

Okay, um, I'll get David.

I thought I was family.

Well, just to tell her a few.

Right. Well, I didn't miss my match.

Hey,

Nicholas, go get that.

Why me?

Uh, because you're closest.

You mean the smallest.

Not two.

I wonder who's here so early.

Oh, probably somebody selling something.

Taking a survey?

Mayberry!

It's nice to see you. Hello, Reverend May. Very nice to see you. I was just

about to get acquainted with the youngest Bradford at last. Oh, well,

has to go to school to get very nasty when he's late. How about if I give

Nicholas a ride to school and then we can talk on the way? Oh, no, no, no.

a minute. I just remembered that I forgot to tell you some very significant

things about my father. Very nuclear family type things.

Very nuclear family?

Nancy, why don't we take Nicholas to school now? Okay. Come on, Nicholas.

Hey, are you sure I'm going to understand all this stuff when I'm

Come on.

Well, what was it you wanted to tell me?

Oh, ah, yeah, Reverend Mayberry. This must be very exciting work, huh? You get

to meet a lot of interesting people.

No, actually, most of the people I meet are quite boring.

That's why I'm enjoying New Bradford so much.

You're also extremely colorful, even a bit piquant. Ah, piquant.

Is that good or bad?

You can take that as a compliment.

Now, what was it you wanted to tell me before?

A very nuclear family, remember?

Oh, oh, yeah. A very nuclear family. Oh, Reverend Mary, I must tell you about

the time I dropped a whole bowl of applesauce into my dad's lap with a new

and he wasn't even mad. Can you believe that?

Did I ever tell you you were gorgeous?

Once or twice.

Can you believe it? It's already our anniversary.

A whole week together.

And it seems like only yesterday. We were just a couple of crazy kids going

steady. Look at us now.

An old, unmarried couple in the twilight of our years.

David.

You're not going to wear that tie, are you?

No good?

Well, stripes and plaids don't mix.

Oh, I knew I'd been doing something wrong all these years.

Excuse me.

Certainly.

That's much better. Thank you. You're welcome.

Shall we go?

Okay.

Oh, come on. They'll call back later.

No, no. I better get her.

Hello?

Oh, David, am I glad you're home.

This is an emergency. I need help.

The van conked out in the middle of Springfield Boulevard, and I can't get

started. And I can't push it out of the way. What do I do?

What is it, the carburetor? I don't know. It just won't start. The traffic's

getting backed up for blocks.

David, I need help.

Janet and I were just going out the door.

David, this crowd is getting ugly. There's no telling what they might do to

or the van.

What is it?

Tommy's stuck with the van.

Look, David, they're going to roll the van over if I don't do something quick.

Okay, okay. Where are you?

All right, I'll be there in ten minutes.

I'm sorry. Tommy needs my help.

Call the restaurant and see if you can make a later reservation, okay?

I can just see myself lying on the beach, getting a golden tan.

What are you going to do?

Oh, I think I'll explore some of the remote islands, maybe rent a bike.

Oh, yeah, that would be great. Well,

guys, what do you think?

Super, isn't it? Oh, Nancy, you're not wearing that.

Of course I am. You guys don't want me to look like a tourist, do you?

God forbid.

What the devil? May I ask what's going on in here? Oh, hi, Dad. You want to

learn this, Dad? It's kind of fun. Yeah, we're just gearing up to attack Hawaii.

Slightly premature, isn't it? No!

You're going to win the award, Dad. The Society for the Prevention of the

Nuclear Family just has to see you the best choice.

Nancy, don't you mean preservation?

Oh, whatever.

Well, the votes aren't even in yet, so I suggest that you don't count your

luau's before their hatch.

You see what I mean? That's just what a perfect father should say.

When did she leave?

Sometime last night.

No note, nothing. She just picked up and left.

After you went to rescue Tommy, huh?

Yeah.

She never mentioned that there was any kind of problem.

I don't understand.

Are you sure you don't know why she left?

Of course I'm sure.

What are you getting at?

Oh, maybe a slight overdose of the Bradford family.

I almost left Tom once for the same reason.

Abby, that's different.

You married into a family of eight children.

Janet's only living with me.

David, you're used to us. For some people, we're a little overwhelming.

That's why you moved out in the first place, remember?

Are we that bad?

No, no, you're not that bad.

Just a little unaware sometimes.

I still feel like I'm in competition with all of you for Tom's attention.

But that's okay, because I love you.

But see, Janet didn't have enough time to have some of those feelings.

I see your point.

David, you can't change who you are.

Your family's a very real part of your life.

And if Janet is with you, then they're a part of hers, too.

Hey, David, getting ready to play football this week? We really need you.

boy, you don't want us to get skunked, do you?

No, no, I'll be there.

Oh, good.

Hey, David, don't forget to bring Janet.

Um, Janet resigned from the team.

Huh?

David, what... What was that all about?

I think we should have a little talk.

We'd like to talk to Janet. We heard that she was staying here.

Oh, well, let me see if she's in.

Please tell her the Bradfords are here to see her.

Yeah?

Janet, there are a bunch of people here to see you.

They say the name's Bradford.

Oh, no.

Janet, I guess that you're not too thrilled to see us all right now,

after what happened between you and David, but we want to apologize. We feel

bad. Oh, Janet, we didn't know we were interfering, honest.

Janet, we're a close family, you know, and we're used to living on top of each

other, no privacy.

We're just a lot of people that care about each other. Yeah, we just wanted

make you feel at home.

I guess it sort of backfired. We're really sorry.

I'm not sure why I'm here, but I'm sorry, too. Was that okay?

Yes, that was okay.

That's it, I guess.

Thank you for giving us the chance to apologize.

Look, I know it was stupid of me to just run off like that, but I didn't want to

talk. I just wanted to escape.

I never stopped to think that leaving you would be worse than facing you.

Well, what is it you couldn't tell me?

Well, I guess... David,

it's your family.

I know you love them, and... They're wonderful, really, but I felt bombarded.

I did not mean to hurt you, David, but I wanted to live with you, not your

family.

I know.

I guess I'm just used to it.

I didn't stop to think what kind of effect my family would have on you.

But, Janet, I'm a Bradford.

I'm a part of me, and I'm part of them.

And I hope you won't make me choose between you and them.

I want you both.

Janet, I still love you very much.

Ever since I left, I've been miserable.

I still love you too, David Bradford.

Well, then, will you come back?

Give it a try?

I don't promise my family will change, but I promise you that they'll respect

our privacy. But I wouldn't want them to change.

I just want us to have our family free.

I think... Good.

Because I took the liberty of drawing up a contract.

What?

Contract? Yes.

Whereas the...

Party of the first part will love and respect the party of the second part.

So you'll just sign down here?

No, no, not so fast.

I have to have my lawyer look it over.

The society took into account a number of factors in determining this Father of

the Year award.

Accessibility to one's children, outside interests, community service, family

solidarity, and perhaps most important, moral leadership.

Bet your dad scored high on that one.

We are, after all, living in a changing world.

A world in which the traditional family values are often cast out for more

expedient ways of living.

Dad sure isn't expedient.

The society is of the conviction that it is the nuclear family, above all other

institutions, that can best counteract the erosion of these traditional family

values. David!

Janet! Oh, excuse me, excuse me.

David. David. Are you guys still... I mean, you know.

This

is

my son, David, and Janet, who...

Don't worry.

I'm not saying nothing.

Reverend Mayberry, what my father was going to say, but he's too kind and

to risk embarrassing anyone, is that, yes, this is his son, David, and the

he lives with, Janet MacArthur.

Uh, without benefit of... Correct.

Just benefit of themselves.

Ah, I, uh, I wish, uh, I just wish I had been

informed of this. It does change things.

Why, Reverend Mayberry, I mean, he's still a terrific father.

Perhaps, but Miss Janet is not part

of what the society intends a nuclear family to be.

What's wrong with her?

Yeah, I thought you said we were piquant.

Piquant is one thing.

Cohabitation is quite another.

Now, wait a minute.

Just a second. David is my oldest son. He's 24 years old.

If his private life is going to interfere with my receiving some kind of

award, well, then you can just take your award and... I think I get the general

idea.

I'm sorry, I really am.

I'll just set myself up.

He wanted to go to Hawaii anyway.

Yeah, it rains a lot this time of year.

Yeah.

Oh, well.

We have something better than Hawaii.

A new member of the family.

All right.

Welcome home.

Thank you, guys.

Don't worry about it. You don't.

Thank you, thank you. I am truly honored to be given this award by this family,

and I will do my best to live up to it.

Oh, see, Dad, that wasn't so hard. Really painless.

Yeah, Dad, being Father of the Year is a piece of cake.

Hey, you know, Dad, a Father of the Year would probably be Tim Kirby. Oh,

definitely. Yeah, and raise allowances.

Yeah. At the very least.

Now, wait a minute. I thought I was voted Father of the Year, not Patsy of

Year.

Oh, that's probably Mayberry saying that they've reconsidered. Yeah.

Hello?

Oh, just a moment, please.

Did anyone in this family inquire about group rates on motorbikes, surfboards,

and scuba diving equipment?

Sorry, wrong family.

Must be the mother family in the Sacramento area with ten people and

the year.