Original subtitles

Oh, hey, Nicholas, what you doing?

Keeping my eye on Ron and Marcia.

What for?

Well, I want to see how baby hamsters are made.

Oh. I can't figure it out. Kenny P. Landers said I should have baby hamsters

now. You know how baby hamsters are made?

Uh, why ask me?

You mean you don't know either?

Yeah, I know.

Well, how do they do it?

Well, you see, it just sort of happens.

They have to get together in private.

And, Nicholas, you can't watch.

I mean, nothing's going to happen unless you leave him alone.

Why not?

Hey, just take my word for it. I'm really in a hurry, so why don't you ask

okay?

If I'm not back in time, guys, start without me.

There's a magic in the early morning we found.

When the sunrise smiled on everything around.

It's a portrait of the happiness that we feel and

always will.

Oh, it is enough to fill our lives.

© BF -WATCH TV 2021

Good night, Nicholas.

Oh, boy.

Well, it took the legend of Sleepy Hollow, Frankenstein, and last night's

of Charlie's Angels to finally put Nicholas to sleep, and now we are alone

last. Your timing's perfect. Not bad, eh? Look at that. It looks delicious.

Cake looks good, too.

Thank you. Twice.

Yes. Do you realize for the first time in weeks, all the kids are out of the

house at once?

How did that happen? I don't know. We just got lucky. It happens about...

a year on the average.

Oh, I have a wonderful idea.

Let's have our cake and coffee in the dining room and put on some candles and

some soft music and pretend we're all alone in a Viennese cafe. What do you

Oh, all right. I love Vienna in the spring.

Is your dance card full, madame? Well, I just happen to have one waltz label

set. May I have it?

You know,

I forgot how beautiful you are on camera.

In any light, though.

You journalists sure have a way with words.

Must be the cappuccino.

Oh, why can't we have more evenings like this?

Oh, I can think of at least eight reasons.

Well, for tonight, the eight children don't exist.

And from now on, we're going to keep the honeymoon alive, no matter what. It's

dark in here!

Why didn't you just ask us? Yeah, he's appointed without a huddle. That's what

you're saying, then, is I deflected a pass, right? Yeah, well, since one of

appointed the great chaperone in the sky. Knock it off. All right, what's the

matter, girls, huh?

Oh, hi.

Well, we stopped off for a cup of coffee after the movie, and these cute guys

came up to get acquainted with us.

Acquainted? They tried to pick us up. Old Mary got all bent out of shape and

told the guys to get lost.

Yeah. Yeah, and they were foxy.

Foxy?

One of them looked like a hockey goalie, and the other one looked like the goal.

Oh, what do you know about men, Hotsy Totsy? Oh, yeah? Yeah, all the guys you

spend time with smell of formaldehyde. Oh, you don't even know what

is. Oh, yeah, she does. I know.

Is that right?

Yeah, well, what about the ones you hang out with? Oh, true.

Don't worry.

She's just jealous because they didn't come on to her, too.

Hey, is that chocolate cake? Oh, you're on a diet, remember?

Yeah, cottage cheese and...

Chocolate cake. Yeah, you guys should have come with us to the movie. It's

this giant termite that's eating housing tracts.

Some Viennese cafe, huh?

Oh, come in.

Working on Saturday, huh? Well, no, actually, I'm just hiding out. This is

only room where people bother to knock.

Um, Dad, I have a favor to ask. Oh, sure, as long as it's not more than $10,

because I don't have more cash with me. It's not going to cost you a thing.

You're kidding.

Really? Oh, no hidden costs?

None. Yippee.

Look, Dad, I have made good friends with one of the working mothers at the

daycare center. Well, recently she's been separated from her husband. It's

really been hard on her, you know, adjusting to being single, learning how

get along by herself. You know, it's really hard being a single parent these

days. The point?

Well, the point is that she has a chance to spend five days with her husband to

get it together with him, you know, but she has a problem.

Lucy. Lucy?

Yeah, Lucy. It's her nine -year -old daughter. I mean, Dad, how can she

reconcile with her husband if she has to drag Lucy along to San Francisco with

her? I haven't the slightest idea. Susan, please try to remember the point.

point, the point?

Well, Dad, if I could take care of Lucy for those five days, Monday through

Friday this week, I mean, I could save their marriage.

Aha!

The point!

Susan, you know how strapped we are around here for space, right? No

Dad. She can sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor of that room.

Five days in your room? Oh, no, no, no. It's just going to be five nights. You

see, during the day, she goes to school, and then she goes to the daycare

center.

Oh. Well, I don't know. I guess if Joanie doesn't mind, I suppose... You,

course, have checked this all out with Joanie, of course.

You assured him I wouldn't mind.

Don't you think that's a little presumptuous of you? Well, maybe just a

bit, but, uh... Hey, Joni, stop.

I mind.

I mind anyway. Believe me, I mind. Come on, look.

Granola. Not gonna do it. Oh, no.

Oh, come on, Joni. Look at it this way. You'll be saving Lucy's mother's

marriage.

You're the one with social work, not me. Don't think of it as social work. Think

of it as making a new friend.

Oh. Oh, thank you.

Right, a new friend, a nine -year -old girl.

Oh, Joanie, you'll love her. She's bright as a tack.

Yeah, bright. Yeah, yeah.

Is she going to be bright as a tack before breakfast?

Oh, no, no, no, no. She'll be very quiet in the morning.

Yeah.

You sure?

Uh -huh.

Okay. But look, she's not going to want to play, you know, jacks and jump

rope in the bedroom. No jacks, no jump ropes, I promise.

All right.

Okay, but look, do me a favor, Sue.

Next time you invite a guest to live with us, would you make it

male about 25?

Melanie Causeway ruins my appetite.

You just got to learn to take these things in stride, Danny.

You can take it in stride. I'll take it any way I can.

Hey, you just have no understanding of women, that's all.

Oh, really?

Really. See, a girl like Melanie Causeway just looks on a poacher.

She looks.

With it.

You know, I bet you that Candace Bergen sits home alone on a Saturday night just

because everybody assumes she's busy.

Melanie probably does the same thing.

Sure she does.

Five bucks says I can get a date with her.

You?

You're on.

Observe, my boy, observe.

Please.

Well, maybe she's going bowling with Candace Bergen.

You're real cute.

Five bucks.

Thank you.

going on?

I know what I'm doing.

I want to pick up where we left off last night. Remember the ongoing honeymoon?

Remember Vienna?

Oh, but it's Saturday afternoon.

Since when does romance know the time of day? Love is always in season. Oh, I'm

always such a sucker for a corny lie.

Stick around, kid, because it gets worse.

Oh, but pizza, who is it?

Dad, you get $2 .50 for the paper, boy?

Huh? Oh.

Here. I don't even know what I... Here, take this.

What if it doesn't have change? Just tell him to keep the change.

Oh, boy.

Now, where were we?

Vienna. Ah, yes.

Vienna. Vienna.

Oh, come on. Can't they read? What is it?

Dad, I need to borrow the car keys.

Here.

Thanks. Don't mention it.

I don't believe this.

There's only five of them left.

Well, look, all I want is a little privacy.

Why don't you just tell them the truth, that we want to be alone like any normal

man and woman? I'm sure they'd understand.

That might be the right approach in theory, but in practice it would blow my

whole image.

Oh, you mean the upstanding, sober father figure with a gleam in his eye?

if you must know. Oh, I see. So this is the famous Bradford open -minded honesty

is the best policy routine in action. If it's action you want, it's action

you'll get. Uh -huh.

Oh, what is it now?

I tell you, whoever it is this time, I'm going to give them an in -depth,

detailed explanation of the facts of life Bradford style.

Yes? What?

Dad, remember when you promised me to dig worms today?

Oh.

I better gather the troops for this one.

Dig worms?

Now, listen, I've gathered you all here to discuss a vital issue.

A serious injustice is taking place in this house.

It violates something as timeless and universal as freedom itself.

The inalienable right of every citizen to privacy.

The Constitution says that we are entitled to the pursuit of happiness.

Well, I feel that my pursuit is being obstructed.

I hope that these remarks will suffice.

and more drastic means will not be necessary.

Freedom from harassment, even to mothers and fathers, must be honored.

I hope I make myself perfectly clear.

See? What was that all about?

I don't know. It sounded like civics class to me.

It sounded like get lost to me.

I don't suppose that Dad and Abby wanted to be alone to, uh, you know, in the

afternoon?

With us in the house?

In broad daylight?

You've got to be kidding.

Wow.

Thank goodness. His son's for one.

In his own apartment and away for the weekend.

Fuck. The father was his own kid.

Yes, we may stay here all weekend.

Look.

I always wanted to try out one of these waterbeds. Now's your chance.

Oh, not bad.

Great.

Oh, Ethan, you've been passed by this. I'm sorry. No.

Come here. Okay.

What?

A little strange, though.

David's apartment together, the two of us alone.

Oh, a little bit, I guess, but...

And we'll be gone all evening, so we can just relax and take our time and get

used to it. That's a good idea.

You may find me a little irresistible. I always find you irresistible.

David!

Sorry, I had a change of plans.

No, no, please, David, let me explain. It's not what you think.

Dad, it's okay. I understand.

No problem.

No, no, no, no. You don't understand.

What it is is that we were just talking about life.

It's okay.

We're all adults.

Waterbeds are great.

No reason why you shouldn't try it out. Oh, Abby, this is insane.

Maybe we should quit while we're ahead. No, look, let me explain.

We didn't come here to try out the waterbed, David. We came here...

To take out the trash.

That's it.

Right. Because I hate that trash. It draws ants.

And while we were taking it out, we noticed the waterbed.

And we were thirsty.

Okay.

Take out the trash all you want. I'm going out to a movie. No, no. Please

go to a movie. And just let me explain, David. It's not what you think.

It's okay, Dad.

Bye -bye.

Bye, Abby.

Bye, David.

A man can't take this, even a father.

I mean, I have to get rid of those kids now, all at once. A gun or poison.

No, no, I don't mean that. I just mean get them out of the house for the

weekend, that's all.

Maybe we should just check into a hotel.

A hotel? Of course not a hotel. We own our own home, Abby.

It was just a suggestion.

I mean, trying to get all those kids to do anything all at once is like planning

the invasion of Normandy.

I'm desperate.

I really am.

All I want is to have my wife in my house for a weekend all by myself, and

going to do it.

Well, we need a plan.

We need a plan. That's what we need, a plan.

That's right.

A very clever plan.

Something devious, yet foolproof.

Something simple, yet so sophisticated that they'll never

know we're here.

Hi, big brother. Hi, kid sister.

Joni's goulash. How did I know?

Hey, how did he know? Probably some wild guess. Some wild guess. David has radar

in his stomach.

Sit down, David. There's plenty.

Oh, no, no. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come on, David. You're a family. You're not going to get asked twice.

Oh, if you're twisting my arm, okay.

So, uh...

Are you working hard? Too hard.

Me too. In fact, I was thinking today, it would be wonderful to be able to get

away for a while.

Yeah, you and me both.

Wouldn't it be nice, I mean, to get out of the city where it's quiet and the air

is clean and fresh?

You mean like the mountain?

Oh, yes.

The Sierras are wonderful this time of the year.

Are you talking about going camping?

Camping? Hey, that is a great idea.

That'd be great.

We could fish and cook over an open fire and really rough it. Yeah.

Yeah, and no girls.

That's right.

Men only.

Wowee, camping.

Well, what do you say, fellas? Should we go camping this weekend?

Right, right. Not without us. I think it's a crummy idea.

Well, who asked you?

Well, I asked me. I mean, what about us? Girls like camping, too, you know.

Ooh, no dice. Thumbs down.

My sentiments exactly.

and you listen, that's all.

Oh, leave the kid alone. For crying out loud, he knows what he's talking about.

You're not supposed to be going camping with us.

You know,

if it wasn't for those creepy crawly little bugs, I wouldn't mind going

myself. Oh, I love camping.

I mean, you sleep out under the stars when you wake in the morning. The air is

so chill and fresh.

Franklin, I'm surprised at us. I mean, we really let them push us around.

Imagine, no women on a camping trip. That's right.

Where do they get off telling us that we can't go? Really?

What happened to that respect, dignity, and kindness we fought so hard for?

They've got a lot of nerve telling us we can't go on their camping trip. We're

members of this family, too.

And I'm throwing in the towel. Yeah, let's go give them a piece of our mind.

right.

I didn't realize you felt so strongly about this.

Do you get the feeling they're upset about something?

What seems to be the problem, ladies?

We think it's rude and inconsiderate of you guys not to invite us to go camping.

Oh, boy, here we go again.

Yeah, and we're going camping with you, invitation or not.

No, no, we'll take you the next time.

Tom, I think that's really insensitive. I mean, we know how to camp, and we can

take care of ourselves.

But we can't. You see, we're really going to rough it this time. Rough it?

know you guys, you'll take everything but a battery -operated toothbrush.

Really?

Anyway, what's the big deal, tough guys?

We can do anything you can do.

Better.

I tell you, I'm still against it, man.

Well, look, Dad, it doesn't matter to me.

Of course, they do have a point.

Well... Looks like the tide has turned against us, Nicholas, old boy.

Oh, well.

All right, you can go.

Hey,

look, I just don't want to hear it. Tommy, Tommy, there's a snake in my

Don't flatter yourself, Tarzan.

I think Tommy's forgetting about the time Susan and I saved him from the man

-eating moth.

Who are you?

I'm Lucy Pringle and I'm staying here until Friday.

I see you two have met.

You never told me you had a little brother.

Little? She means younger, Nicholas.

Actually, I meant little. How old is he?

Seven?

Well, I can see you two are going to get along just fine.

You don't have any butter? Only margarine?

That's all right. Margarine's cheaper.

I know.

Dad, I'd like you to meet Lucy Pringle, the young lady I was telling you about.

Huh? Friday, remember our little talk, Lucy?

Oh, right, yes, the point in the study, yeah. Hello, nice little girl.

You can't afford butter?

Do you want me to arrange to have flowers delivered

to Abby Sunday morning?

Yes, one dozen long -stemmed roses, please.

Oh, Mr. Bradford, how romantic.

What's the occasion?

Oh, I'm taking Abby and the kids to the Sierras on a camping trip this weekend.

I beg your pardon?

You want me to have the flowers delivered to the Sierras?

No, no, no. Just send them to my home address.

Oh, I see.

Of course.

You want them to be waiting for Abby when she gets home Sunday night.

Nice and wilted.

Please, just do as you're told.

Yes, sir.

I was just following the order, sir.

Flowers delivered.

to the house Sunday night, but you're going to the Sears.

The bar's so good.

Everything is right on schedule.

Which is an accomplishment itself.

Accomplishment? Nothing. When things are on schedule in this house, that's a

miracle. Ellis.

Yes? Do you think anyone's suspicious?

I think we finally have a foolproof scheme.

Foolproof scheme.

Just two more days.

That's right.

D -Day. Minus two.

Hello?

Who? Oh, just a minute.

King me.

It's for you, a girl. Uh, her name's Melanie Cosway?

Hello?

Yeah, this is Tommy. Dad, I could take you two out to eat.

Melanie?

Oh, Melanie Cosway.

Oh, no kidding.

Oh, yes, well, you know how football players are. They're always pulling

hamstrings.

Oh, I think I could arrange to be free on Saturday night.

Oh, sure, I'll pick you up about 8.

Bye -bye.

But what about the camping trip? Dad, Melanie Causeway is the Candace Bergen

Sacramento Central High School. You only get one shot.

But we were counting on you.

There'll be nine of you without me. You won't even miss me.

Tommy, I don't think you should stay home alone for the weekend.

But, Dad, I'm almost 17.

Come in.

Dad, something's come up. Looks like I won't be able to go camping this

What? Well, Lucy's mom called me at the daycare center today, and she begged me

to let her stay in San Francisco through the weekend.

Susan, no, I... Well, Dad, you're saving a marriage.

It's also ruining one.

What? Maybe Lucy could go with us.

Oh, forget it. She's allergic to birch trees, and she's highly susceptible to

poison oak. Well, that's terrific.

I mean, Susan can stay home and chaperone me.

What else could go wrong?

You had to ask?

That's right, Daniel. Well, boy, she called me.

Some jock pulled a hamstring.

Poor guy.

Okay, that'll be my five bucks back and five to cover the wager. I need it for

Saturday night.

Okay, I'll see you tomorrow. Hey, and no checks, just cash.

You're only going to spend ten bucks on her?

Cheapskate.

Well, at least we're alone.

Yeah. This is not exactly what I had in mind.

I don't understand.

Everything was going so smoothly.

Well, we still have a few days left. You're not going to give up, are you?

up? What would you say?

Right. You've got to think positively about this. That's right. The invasion

Normandy must succeed.

I didn't know you were a World War II buff, Tom.

Hi, Abby.

Oh, hi, Max.

Hi, Max. No, no, no. We were just talking about our weekend.

Oh. Planning on invading Normandy over the weekend?

Oh, just about. I mean, trying to get eight brats to do the same thing at the

same time.

Yes, yes. I'd rather invade Normandy.

We were planning on taking the family away this weekend on a camping trip, but

now everything's going wrong.

Pick another weekend.

It's now or never.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, no, no. That's just a figure of speech.

Listen, Max, you know, Nicholas, I think, is coming down with something.

been sneezing a great deal. It's got me worried.

He's a pretty hearty little guy.

Besides, there are sneezes and there are sneezes.

Now, I'll bet if you just fill him full of liquid, get him into bed, he'll be

fine till the weekend.

Yeah, you really think so?

How do I know? I'm only a doctor.

Look, if he gets a fever, just give me a call, okay?

I'll see you guys. Yeah, bye -bye, Max. Bye, Max.

You know, I have an idea.

What? I think that you should be put in charge of the feeding and care of

Nicola.

And I'm going to do something I never did before.

Okay.

Madeline to my son's love life.

Hi, Dad.

Oh. You wanted to see me? Oh, yes, yes.

Come in. Sit down, Tommy.

Here, I wanted to talk to you man to man, you know.

Sure, Dad. What's on your mind?

Women.

Uh, well, we already had that little talk. Remember the dancing chromosomes?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I didn't mean that. I...

I wanted you to... I thought maybe you might like to tell me about this Melanie

Freeway. Uh, Causeway. Melanie Causeway. Causeway, of course. Melanie Causeway.

Silly name.

What would you like to know about her?

Well, um... Do you think that she's the right girl?

The right girl? Well, this is a serious thing, Tommy. And I thought that maybe

you ought to lay back for a while, you know?

Just let things kind of ride.

See how you feel about her in a month or so.

But, Dad, we're only going out on a date.

Oh. Oh, that's good, that's good, because I tell you something. You cannot

too careful these days.

There's this guy down at the paper whose son is paying a fortune in alimony, a

fortune, and he's only 21 years old.

Well, Dad, I... You have to watch out for these supposed liberated types. They

pretend not to care about alimony, and then, when you least suspect it...

They've got the biggest lawyer in town chasing after you. Dad, I promise I

get divorced without getting married first.

Oh, good, good.

Well, that's, you know, Father worries about these things.

Yeah, I'll be sure and be careful, Dad.

Is that all you wanted to talk to me about?

Because we are not taking any chances. You're home from school to rest and get

well. Not to play, and I hit the sheets.

Yes, ma 'am.

We're going to do your lessons later. I think it's time for some more fruit

juice. But that's the fifth one.

Drink.

How's Nicholas?

Oh, he'll pull through if he doesn't drown first.

Tom, I don't know how much longer I can keep him in bed.

He's getting restless, huh? Oh, to say the least. So how'd it go with Tommy?

That bad, huh?

Worst. I haven't made such little sense since my facts of life speech.

Oh, what's the use? There's always Lucy and Susan.

Oh, yeah. Did you get a chance to talk to her? Yes, and Susan is still

to Lucy's mother.

Why is it that my children are always ready to put themselves out for somebody

else? Well, the irony is that Susan made the commitment to Lucy's mother because

she thought we'd be out of town this weekend.

I tell you, if we could have spent a weekend alone in this house, it was

try.

Yeah, we gave it our best shot, didn't we? I don't think our little scheme

have worked anyway.

We'll never find out, will we?

Let's look at it from the bright side.

Okay. We get to take at least five kids.

camping this weekend.

Some bright signs.

Oh, Nicholas.

I didn't hear you coming.

Feel better?

What's the matter?

I don't want anyone to see where I'm going.

Well, where are you going?

He doesn't want anybody to know he's going to school.

Well, at least it's going to a good cause.

That you can count on.

Hey, where are you going to take her?

You know, I don't know.

Where would you take Melanie if you had a date with her?

Oh, hey,

there she is.

Ooh, speak of the angel.

Oh, hi, Melanie.

Hi. Danny here was just leaving. Oh, no, that's okay. It's not important.

Look, I just came to tell you that I'm not going to be able to make it Saturday

after all.

You're not?

I'm really sorry.

But Dwayne found out about it, and he kind of took the news badly.

Dwayne, the middle linebacker? Uh -huh. He's really possessive. But I didn't

think he'd mind, you know, being laid up in bed with a pulled muscle and all.

But I guess I was wrong.

Imagine that.

Yeah, imagine that.

Well, I'll see you tomorrow.

Maybe after Dwayne and I break up.

Yeah, sure.

Imagine that.

You get

home early. You must have an easy job.

Why didn't you tell us you went to school today? Abby had to call the

find out that you were there.

Well, it wasn't as bad as playing hooky, was it?

Yeah, I suppose so. Are you feeling any better today?

I feel okay, and I'm not thirsty.

Tommy!

Something wrong?

Yeah, women. I think I'm going to join a monastery.

I beg your pardon?

You were right, Dad. You just can't trust women. I'm going camping this

You are?

And so am I.

Oh, really?

Well, if you insist.

Abby.

Oh, Abby.

Oh, it's you.

Have you seen my wife?

Not since she spilled the vacuum cleaner bag on the rug.

You must be a real joy to your mother.

Yeah, we get along all right.

You do?

So, you like your mother, huh?

Yeah, she's a pain sometimes.

But she beats this place.

Oh, yes, I'm sure she does.

She's up in San Francisco now, isn't she?

Yeah, with my dad.

Oh, isn't that nice?

You wouldn't happen to have his phone number, would you?

I have it memorized.

You do?

Well, how would you like to tell your mother personally just how much you miss

her?

Could I?

No problem.

Last night?

Not even calling first?

Yeah, last night at about 10 o 'clock, the doorbell rings, and who is it but

Lucy's mother?

Boy, weird.

Think she got it together with her husband?

Beats me. All she said was something about butter and margarine.

Well,

anyway, she got here just in time for you to go camping with us. It's great.

Yeah, great. But, Joanie, I mean, don't you think it's a little strange? One

minute she's having a second honeymoon in San Francisco, and the next minute

can't live another day without Lucy.

Yeah, come to think of it, it's kind of strange.

You don't suppose a dad... Nah, would do something like that.

I hope this works. Don't worry, it will.

It has to.

Oh, gosh. Now I know how Eisenhower felt on D -Day.

Ready? Ready.

Oh, hi,

Dad. Everything's all packed.

Oh, good, good.

Yeah. Well, I'll just check things out. All right. We got everything, Dad. Yep.

Oh, wait a minute now. Just a second. These preaching bags are not rolled

properly.

These things have to... Oh, look at this. There's not enough to drink. Are

kidding? Somebody doesn't know how to pack a tent. I'm sorry. We can't leave

until all these things are repacked.

Oh, Dad, we've been working on this all morning.

I don't care. If we're going to do it, we're going to do it right, right?

But you're nitpicking.

Nitpicking?

Do you remember our disastrous trip to Yosemite?

You could have used some of my nitpicking then. You told me that trip

years ago. I mean, they were all just kids then.

Listen, I have to exercise some kind of leadership or this would be complete

chaos. Oh, please, you're stifling them. They can take care of themselves.

Come on, Abby, don't start that again. This is not the time and the place.

this is exactly...

the time and the place. You can't keep telling them what to do, dominating

lives. Dominating their lives? What do you think I am, some kind of a Mussolini

or something? They don't need your organizational ability. If they went

by themselves, they wouldn't miss you for a minute.

Camping by themselves?

Ho, ho.

I'd like to see that. That I really would like to see. Well, then put your

where your mouth is, because I think we should stay home and let them see how

they do by themselves.

I think that's great.

Oh, yes, yes, it's definitely okay.

Absolutely. I mean, enjoy yourselves. We'll be fine.

How did he know?

I don't know.

But I don't care.

The troops have landed.

The beach is ours.

There's always something I've always wanted to do, but I was too embarrassed

with the kids in the house. There are no kids in the house now.

All right, I'm going to do it. Okay, do it, do it. Are you ready? What is it?

Abby, I love you!

Oh.

Oh.

Now, listen, listen.

We only have 47 hours, 55 minutes, and 13 seconds left.

First things first.

I have a present for you.

That's funny, because I have a present for you.

Beautiful. Don't you think that this is too short? No. I think it's greater

cuteness. Please, don't start. I'm sorry.

How's your appetite?

It's good. What are we going to eat? I was thinking of moogoo guy pan, but I

can't figure out how to cut the recipe from ten to two.

Divide by five.

I want to propose a toast.

A toast to the thing that parents everywhere cherish the most.

Privacy. Here, here.

It's so good.

Now, close your eyes.

Close my eyes? Yes, I want you to look into the future.

Got it?

Got it.

All right.

What is it going to be like when all the kids have... finally moved out of the

house. Ah, yes, I see us taking long vacations in exotic paradises.

You are in a lava lava. I am in my sarong.

What else?

Yes.

We don't have to lock the bedroom door anymore, and you finally write that

bestseller about your crazy life with eight kids, and they make it into a

and of course they insist that I play myself.

Well, what about me? You said I had acting ability.

Oh.

Maybe a mustache would help.

Oh, no. My mustache is turning gray.

We'll also spend a lot of time with our grandchildren.

Grandchildren?

Grandchildren.

Do you realize that if each one of your kids has at least one child, we'll be

babysitting every night?

Imagine Nicholas is a father.

Oh, no.

Stop it. It's depressing. It makes me feel so old.

You want to dance, Baylor?

I thought you'd never ask.

You've got great moves.

I told Jim Kelly everything you know.

Oh, no.

Take it.

Max.

Tom. Daisy.

Well, now that we've introduced each other... Well, we just happened to see

lights on, so we thought we'd drop by.

Well, actually, I just came by to check up on Nicholas.

Oh, yeah, when Nicholas went camping with all the other children.

Tell him why the fire. It's warm in here.

Isn't the air conditioning on, too?

Well, I was cold.

Oh, but I was warm, and so we compromised.

Of course, we like each other.

How long have you felt like this? Maybe I should give you both a fast checkup.

No, no. Listen, Max.

Can I speak to you for a second in the kitchen?

Sure.

You're probably wondering why I'm wearing this outfit.

No, no, no. I understand.

You got cute knees.

I understand.

What's going on here, Abby?

Oh, nothing.

That's the problem.

Daisy, we've got to go.

Oh.

Let's see.

Where were we?

Oh, right.

Well, um, I think we were right about here.

Oh. I'm sorry. That's okay. It's really hard. It's okay.

Wait,

I feel this better.

Okay.

You want some wine?

Oh, yes.

Please, that would be nice. Good.

White, red.

But we only have red.

Okay. Wait.

Look at this. Tom. What is the matter with me? Are you all right? No.

I'm bleeding to death. No.

Oh, Abby.

Oh, Tom. This isn't going the way I wanted it to go. Never mind that. I

like it.

I don't care about the cut. It's awful.

I'm not enjoying myself. Oh, it's all right.

Oh, Tom. Does it hurt?

I'm sorry. Oh, I can't stand pain.

I know.

Abby, look.

Oh, right. I wonder what else they forgot.

Coming.

Well, Elizabeth forgot her bathing suit, and Susan forgot her hat, and here's

Nancy's camera.

Tommy's binoculars. Yep.

Nicholas's down jacket.

Right. Maybe my little general routine wasn't so far off.

Maybe those kids do need us.

I don't know about us, but, I mean, I guess they need a first aid kit, right?

Yeah, I know. That bothered me, too. But maybe one of the other campers will

have one, don't you think?

Well, I... I would suppose so, yes.

Why do we always have to be parents? Even criminals get time off for good

behavior. But, Tom... What are we talking about? We schemed for a whole

that we'd have privacy this weekend, and what do we do? We spend the whole

weekend worrying about the kids.

This is craziness.

Parents have rights, too. I am not going to let those kids rule our lives.

But, Tom, what about this stuff? I mean, the kids probably need this stuff,

right?

Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

Uh -oh.

Shucks, we missed Johnny Carson.

Oh, Abby, I've got a question.

The answer is yes.

No, no, no.

Besides that, what should we do for the rest of the weekend?

I don't know. What do you want to do?

I don't know, Marty. What do you want to do?

I don't know.

Oh, wait a minute. I almost forgot something.

What?

This is for privacy.

What? Oh, something I picked up in case our little plan didn't work.

A pup tent for two.

Well, life's real rough in the wilderness.

I didn't sleep a wink, Nick.

We're all swimming.

Very funny.

I wonder if anybody tried to call me here.

Come on, come on. Hey, wait a minute. I get to shower you guys. I get there

first. This is no fair. This kid weighs a ton.

Wait a minute now. Aren't you kids going to give us a hand with all this stuff?

Thank you. Well, we learned one thing.

What? Next time we want privacy, just give those kids a job to do and let

take its course.

Oh, it was a small price to pay. I thought it was a lovely weekend.

At least we were alone.

We were alone.

Oh, my sunburn. My poison.