Original subtitles

always smells so good. Do I?

I don't know. Maybe it's the soap. I don't know.

Soap? How could it be the soap?

Patty Patty uses soap every day, and she smells like salami sandwiches.

What are you doing that for?

To look pretty.

I mean, with your mouth.

So I won't get it in my eyes. I don't know why, but it always seemed to help.

Oh, like choking up on a bath?

Sort of, yeah.

Boy, women sure do a lot of things to look pretty.

That's not exactly what a woman wants to hear, Nicholas.

Well, you look pretty anyways, even with all that slop on your face.

Well, now that's better, but it's not exactly music to my ears.

Should I try again?

Maybe we should just both quit while we're ahead. Good.

I've already got a compliment.

There's a magic in the early morning we found.

When the sunrise smiles on everything around.

It's a portrait of the happiness that we feel and

always will.

Oh, it is enough to fill our...

And our days like bright and shiny new dimes.

If we're ever puzzled by the changing times.

There's a plate of homemade wishes on the kitchen window

sill.

And eight is enough to fill our lives with.

Good morning.

The only good about this morning is it's Friday.

You can say that again.

You know, Tommy, if you want to be on time for breakfast, maybe you shouldn't

stay out so late on school nights, huh?

Oh, what's the matter, Tommy? Sprained your lips last night up on Makeout

Oh, how do you know that he was parked up on Makeout Point?

Personal observation?

Yeah, Miss Big Mouth. Do you have sprained lips, too? Yeah, I think

sprained her lips sticking her foot into her mouth.

May I be excused? May I be excused, Nicholas?

Sure, go ahead.

It's very funny, Nicholas. I'm trying to give you a grammar lesson. It's may I

be excused. Well, okay, can I?

I thought you were going to wait for Irving J. Moore.

Nah, I'll see him later.

Hey, Dad, can I have an advance on my allowance?

It's sort of a matter of life and death.

No, it's probably a matter of Donald Darling, also known as Donald D. Arlen

Super Jock.

He drives his father's Trans Am and he's trying to monogram Linda Ives. No, no,

no. You mean monopolize, don't you?

No, Dad, you give someone a monogram when you go steady.

Really?

Somebody should write a book on the language and courting rituals of the

century adolescent.

They have to rate it B for boring.

Well, I don't know if this is going to cover the cost of a Trans Am, but good

luck. Just as long as it covers the cost of a monogram.

that I can never get used to in this business.

A strident voice as a nine -year -old is the first thing in the morning.

You really should be used to it by now, Andy. You'd think so, wouldn't you?

Occupational hazard, I guess.

Good morning,

Nicholas.

Good morning, Mr. Andrews. Good morning, Miss Hamilton.

Good morning.

Well, defer to an aggressive...

somewhat abbreviated competitor.

Thank you, Mr. Andrews. I'll see you at the faculty meeting.

Thank you for offering to stay and help me clean

the board.

I got all the dust off your eraser, too.

I think I know where it went.

You're not going to spit on that, are you?

No, Mr. Bradford, I'm not going to spit on it.

There you go.

All done.

And I think we're about done here, too.

Just a line.

You need a ride home, Nicholas?

No, ma 'am. I got my bike.

Bye, Miss Hamilton.

Bye, Nicholas.

Thank you for all the help.

You're welcome.

Hiya, Goose.

That's mine!

Hey, Nicholas, what lovely perfume.

My no business.

And quit picking up guys' handkerchiefs.

Well, Nicholas, how nice.

You're my very first customer.

Huh?

For the art sale. Isn't that why you came by?

Oh, yeah, sure. I guess so. I found your handkerchief, and I thought you'd like

to know that it was found before Monday and all. That's why I brought it to your

house on Saturday.

Oh.

I had a feeling you might have found it.

You know, Nicholas, I think it's very nice that you came by to see me, but you

mustn't keep finding things, okay?

Nicholas, come on.

Help me set these things out. Then if you're hungry, we can go in the house

have some tea and crumpets.

Tea and trumpets?

That's crumpets with a C. It's just an expression.

Actually, I've got some blueberry muffins.

Oh, boy!

Here we are.

Hot from the oven.

Oh, good.

Have a seat, Mr. Bradford.

I guess I am kind of hungry. Oh, well, I think you'll like these muffins.

And a piece, especially with lots of milk in it. It's very English, very

Too hot?

No, things just kind of break easy when I'm around.

Not to worry. I trust you.

Well, one way to ensure privacy in this house, say you'll do the dishes.

Everybody takes off before you get a chance to change your mind.

The men in this house are behaving strangely.

What do you mean, strangely?

I'd say it's downright familiar.

Well, what is it with you guys, anyway? First of all, Tommy shows up for

breakfast, and he doesn't need a bite, and Nicholas doesn't even show up.

Yes, well, Tommy and I are merely exhibiting dissimilar symptoms of a

malady. I beg your pardon?

Love, my dear, plays havoc with the appetite.

Thank you, sir. It is me.

Can I buy it? Then I'd really be a first customer.

Of course, that is, if you really want to.

Nicholas, what in the world would you do with an oil painting?

Put it up in my room, next to my Wonder Frog poster.

Well, I'm flattered.

How much is it?

Well, how much would you want to spend?

three cents with me, but I get 54 cents back home, and my piggy bank is 57 cents

enough. Nicholas, are you sure you want to spend that much money on a painting?

Yeah, it's worth it.

Well, you're in luck. The price is only 50 cents.

I'll tell you what. You can take it home with you and bring the money to school

on Monday.

You can buy it on credit.

Okay, but I don't have a credit card.

You've got something better, an honest face.

Well, don't you have to give me a bill or something?

I don't think that's really necessary under the circumstances.

Just a simple... On the other hand, this is a business arrangement,

so I think a little documentation is in order.

Here you are, Mr. Bradford. A formal memorandum of our transaction.

And a handshake to seal a bargain.

Bye, Miss Hamilton.

Bye.

Oh,

Dr. Maxwell, this is Tommy Bradford.

Whispering.

Who's whispering?

Yeah, fine, fine.

Actually, not so fine.

See, I hate to bother you on a Saturday, but... Yeah, I know I can tell you, Dr.

Maxwell, but...

Of course you've been our family doctor for years, but... We see it's personal.

Extremely personal. Much too personal to discuss on the phone.

You could?

You would?

Oh, Dr. Maxwell, that's terrific. Thank you.

All right, I'll see you in about a half an hour.

All right, bye.

You just saved my life.

Nicholas, can't you just close the door?

I closed it, Dad. I even made sure.

Well, next time, don't be so sure.

What did you got there, Nicholas?

Can we see it?

Just a picture.

Gee, I thought it was a pizza. Some pizza.

I think it's very lovely. Where'd it come from?

From Italy. Where else?

Well, I sort of found it. I'm going to keep it up in my room where they can't

look at it.

Just make sure it's not on my side of the room.

Well,

you can stop worrying, Tommy. It's not fatal.

You have a mild case of gingivostomatitis.

Boy, I thought you were going to say I had trench mouth.

Tommy, gingivostomatitis is trench mouth.

Trench mouth? I'm ruined.

Just hold on. It's not that serious.

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure.

Ginger Trenchmouth is a byproduct of fatigue, anxiety, and poor nutrition.

You've been worrying about anything?

Staying up late? Eating a lot of junk food?

Yeah. All right, I'm going to give you a prescription.

You have to fill it out, follow the instructions, and try not to look so

Not to look so tragic? Tomorrow night I have a date with Linda. The Linda Imes.

Tomorrow night.

Well, let me put it to you this way.

It's not highly contagious, but it is mildly unpleasant.

So I suggest when you see her to her door, you shake her hand.

She'll think you're a gentleman.

She'll think I'm an idiot.

Fill this out anyway.

Come on, let's go.

Yes, I do.

No, you don't.

Lay off me, Irving.

Nicholas,

Irving. Stop it, both of you.

Now, what's going on here?

What are you fighting about?

Nicholas.

Look what you did.

You ruined my whole picture. Now it's all falling apart. And it's all your

fault. Irving J. Moore, I didn't mean to hurt your dumb old painting.

What is all the ruckus about that can heat you down at the state capitol?

Tom, look at this. Something strange is happening to this picture.

What are those, hands?

Don't you see there's another painting under the surface?

Another painting?

No. Really, Curly? Joanie?

Oh, come on, don't be a... Thick in the mud. Mary, break out. Try something new.

Something au courant, huh?

Oh, I know, I know. How about a pyramid perm?

Yeah. Joanie, will you just trim the split ends and spare me the Vidal

routine? Mary, and the restoration was complete. Voila!

A genuine Henri Matisse.

See, someone had painted cows all over it, probably to hide it from the Nazis

something. No, no, no. The Nazis occupied France, not Sacramento.

Wait a minute. See, there are other reasons for hiding a valuable painting.

Customs, the IRS.

All I'm saying is that maybe we could have an expert check out the value of

Nicholas's painting.

How about Alan Thatcher? The arts editor of the Register? No, he's in the

hospital with Anulsa.

Wait a minute. Speaking of hospitals, I do know an expert, and he makes house

calls.

House calls? Hey, Mary, Mary.

Greg Maxwell is a qualified art historian. In fact, he's even on the

committee at the county museum.

He should be able to tell the difference between a treasure and trash.

I'll go call him.

Go call him.

Did any of that make sense to you?

Nazis? Yeah.

In Sacramento.

Let's see. Gargle three minutes, six times per day.

Yuck.

Where's looking at you, kid?

Does it meet the Nicholas Bradford peanut butter and jelly sandwich deal of

approval?

Nope. Not enough peanut butter.

Oh. Well, I'm a little out of practice.

How about some milk and cookies for dessert?

Don't you have any tea?

Since when do you drink tea?

David, how old do you have to be to get married?

Married?

Nicholas, are you planning to bite the bullet?

Nah. I was just wondering.

Fourteen?

No, no. More like eighteen.

18. I figured it'd be older.

Oh, Nicholas, wait a minute. You don't even like girls.

She's not a girl.

Who's not a girl?

No one.

No one?

Dr.

Maxwell. Hi, Tommy.

Why are you here?

I came to see your father.

But you can't.

I mean, you promised. What about doctor -patient confidentiality? Max, good to

see you. How are you?

Tommy, please, do you mind letting Dr. Maxwell in the house?

Max, it's right in here in the living room.

In the living room?

Hi. Hi.

Take a look at this.

Oh, interesting.

Easy, almost unstudied, yet the control is obvious.

Somber tones balance the use of light.

The technique employs chiaroscuro.

Well, I'll tell you this much.

The talent is definitely genuine.

So much for the AI -gotten art appreciation.

Acrylic. So that's why it chipped off.

Acrylic? Then it's recent?

Oh, the lady is very much your contemporary.

But the child, it's, um... Very difficult to tell at this point.

You see, once the oils have cured, it's very difficult to judge the age without

special equipment.

But the hands seem to belong to that of a child.

See the ring?

Rings on children's fingers usually indicate royalty.

Then it's possible.

Oh, Abby, anything is possible.

But I'm talking speculation, not verification.

Frankly, Max, I don't know what you're talking. Could you be a little less

mystical?

I think you should take this to a museum and get an expert opinion.

You see, the style, the color, the subject matter all seem to suggest

that this might, just might, be a very valuable painting.

Wait a minute, what's he talking about?

You know, a few years back, they turned up a Rembrandt that sold at auction in

London for over $1 .3 million.

That was at pounds.

1 .3 million dollars?

1 .3 million pounds.

What's a pound worth anyway?

$1 .68 at the current rate of exchange.

Wow, what's that figure cut to be?

2 ,184 ,000 smackers.

Boy, that's a lot of money for a pizza. Yeah, I can't believe it. The little

twerp finds a painting and it turns out to be worth a couple of million.

We hope.

Dad's going to have it appraised.

So it's only worth a measly million.

See, divided by eight, that works out to $125 ,000 apiece.

Hey, haven't you left a few people out?

There are ten of us in this family.

David doesn't live here. And Nicholas, shoot, Nicholas wouldn't know what to do

with $1 .25, much less $125 ,000. But it's his painting. Yeah. So we'll double

his allowance.

Just think, $125 ,000.

My own Trans Am.

Several Trans Ams.

You know what I've always wanted?

A different pair of shoes for every day of the month.

Every month.

I wonder if John Travolta could be bought.

Yeah,

my very own daycare center.

Supplies, playground,

daffle of experts.

Can you imagine?

Producing, directing, and starring in my own movie.

Yeah. A remake of King Lear.

Why not remake War and Peace while you're at it? No.

No, no strong female role.

No, you guys are really too much.

I mean, Dr.

Maxwell mentions that Nicholas' painting just might happen to be worth some

money, and you guys are already spending it. Hey, Mary, we're not spending it.

We're just...

Thinking about spending it.

Yeah. I think you guys are being ridiculous, getting all worked up about

silly pipe.

Hmm.

I wonder what a nice, small, but well -equipped medical clinic would cost.

I am starved. Yeah. Well, how does a nice fresh lobster with a beautiful dry

white wine sound to you? Sounds divine.

Oh, hiya, Nicholas.

We were showing it to Dr. Maxwell. He thinks that we should bring it down to

museum and have the expert there examine it. Did you know that your painting

might be very valuable?

Sure it's valuable.

I could have told you that.

Oh, well, I'm not as smart about these things as you are, so that's why I

thought we should consult with Dr.

Maxwell.

How come nobody consults with me?

Listen, I understand how you feel, Nicholas, and I would have consulted

if...

Now it looks like I'm flying to an empty house.

I don't think we should even tell him.

What do you mean, don't tell him?

He's a little kid.

What does he need a painting for?

I bet he'd swap it tomorrow for 20 baseball cards.

What are you suggesting?

That we take it away from him before he does something dumb with it.

Don't worry. I'll take you someplace where they won't find you.

Bye -bye, Francie.

Hi, David. Hi, hi.

Dad around?

No, he and Abby went out to dinner. Their weekly escape.

Any idea where he keeps my fly rod he borrowed?

No, but as soon as we sell Nicholas' painting, you can buy a dozen fly rods.

Are you kidding? I've seen how Nicholas paints. You'd be lucky to sell them for

a dozen dead flies.

Hey, Nicholas didn't paint it. He found it. And it's a monetary masterpiece, an

economic work of art, a financial fresco.

Frescoes are painted on walls, you dummy. So I'm a businessman, not an art

critic. Would somebody please tell me what's going on?

Oh, yeah. The Bradford Gallery is now open. Come on.

Here, take a look.

Hey, somebody moved it.

Oh, I bet Nicholas just took it back up to his room. I'll go get it.

Hey, would you check Dad's closet?

See if my fly rod's in it?

Relax, David. I told you we'd buy you a dozen of them.

Wouldn't help. Dad would just borrow them all and forget to bring them back.

That looks good. Thanks.

Now,

the lobster sounds good.

Well, it ought to be. It's a surprise to me. Well, if we were like our free

-spending kids, I would just order the whole menu a la carte.

Did you hear Joni this afternoon?

She was asking about the cost of renting a theater, an entire theater.

At least she's renting. Nancy is spending the money that she doesn't have

actual purchases or layaway.

Maybe we shouldn't have told him anything about the painting until we

sure just what it was worth. Let him dream. It's cheaper than rock concerts,

movies, or disco dancing.

I wonder what could have happened to it.

Hey, the painting's not up there. What do you mean it's not up there? Did you

look in Nicholas's secret hiding place?

Yeah, and every place else.

You don't suppose we had a burglar?

We have some bad news for you. Yeah, we're afraid a burglar took our picture

right out of the living room.

It wasn't our picture, and it wasn't any burglar.

You mean you took it? No, you took it, and I took it back and hid it. Where,

Nicholas? Where'd you hide it? In a secret hiding place that nobody ever had

before. Come on, Nicholas. We're a family.

Yeah, sure and sure alike.

Uh -uh. I'm not sure nothing alike. So there.

Fantasy Island.

Can I finish my coffee first?

Oh, I'm sorry. I was so relaxed, I didn't even realize.

It's okay.

It's relaxing not being barraged by another spending scheme.

You know, I've been thinking.

Joanie really doesn't need a theater, but wouldn't it be nice if she could

in the Shakespeare Festival in Stratford this summer?

Yeah, but it might be even better if we could remodel the attic and then she'd

have her room of her own. Give them all rooms of their own.

I didn't have a bathroom.

It's contagious.

Remind me to call Max in the morning.

About the appraisal?

No, about performing a phantisectomy on the whole family.

A phantis -what?

A phantisectomy.

It's just like an appendectomy, but you take away the fantasy instead of the

appendix. I never heard that word.

Of course not.

I created it. I thought so.

Don't you see, Nicholas?

You're going to be depriving all of mankind of part of their cultural

Do you want that on your conscience?

Well, I guess it's okay.

Oh, Joanie, I don't think that argument's gonna work. I mean, you have

in terms of Nicholas's own self -interest.

Watch me.

Reasonable, Nicholas.

Now, we can't live in a house with a million -dollar painting. We'd have to

install a complete security system. Yeah.

Now, would you like to have to use a password every time you went into your

bedroom, huh?

Yeah, that'd be great. And then only me and Tommy would know the secret

passwords, so we can get away from a three -pushy...

sisters all

right

kid we're just stash the painting we have ways to make you talk you know what

ways do you remember that fu manchu movie the one with the crocodiles

And it made you sleep with the lights on for a whole month?

All right. No more concordats. Please. No more.

The pictures.

It's under Tommy's bed.

It's not here.

The squirt's been watching movies we haven't even seen.

Yeah, after all... Hold it. Now, one at a time. Are you telling me that Nicholas

is gone?

No, Dad, the painting's gone. Nicholas is in his playhouse. He ran out and

locked himself in after Elizabeth and Tommy tried to torture him.

Torture him?

It was just talk.

Yeah, that was our big mistake. We should have tortured first, then talked

later.

I'd better go negotiate.

Watch it, Dad. He's acting weird.

I think he got hit on the head, or he's coming down with something.

Coming down with something?

Yeah, lockjaw.

Nicholas, this is your father. Now let me in. No.

Now, Nicholas, I'm too tired for huffing and puffing.

Hi.

Well, uh, do you mind if I sit down?

No chance.

Oh. Well, uh...

That's no problem.

Gee, you must be desperate. You haven't hidden out in this place since the time

I put your pet plant to sleep. Remember that?

What's the problem?

They all want to steal my painting.

Oh, no, they don't want to steal it. They want to take it to the museum and

it appraised.

It could mean a lot to the family, Nicholas.

It already means a lot to me.

I know, it's just that...

If the painting is worth what Dr. Maxwell thinks it might be worth, it

change your whole life.

Seems different already.

Yeah, I know.

What's happening?

I don't want to go to some museum and see my own painting.

But the museum's not going to keep it. They're just going to examine it.

Well, they heard it. Oh, no. They're going to take very good care of it.

In fact, you can come down there and watch.

What do you say?

Well... But, Dad, you can't. The painting isn't safe with Nicholas.

That's enough. Now, Nicholas has agreed to have the painting appraised, and I

agreed that nobody else in the family would touch it until then. So that's the

ballgame. Oh, but, Dad, what if it turns out to be worth a million?

One step at a time, Susan.

One step at a time. Just sit back and relax and enjoy your taco orgy.

Hey, hey, let's hear it for the chef. Let's hear it for the chef.

Hey, I had a good idea.

What? With all the money that we're going to make, why don't we hire some

starving artist and get a copy of the picture, and then we'll switch it on

Nicholas, and he'll never know the difference. Oh, tacky, Tommy, really

What's the matter? Bite your tongue?

Yeah, I bit my tongue.

Hey, Tommy, I was looking for your shampoo, and I found this. It says

times a day. What's the matter? You got tonsillitis or something?

No, it's not tonsillitis.

Dr. Maxwell says I have this rare disease and I shouldn't eat crunchy

a couple of days.

I guess I forgot.

What rare disease?

It says here on the bottle, gingivus tomatitis.

Ginger what -a -minus?

French mouth.

I think I'll go upstairs and boil my teeth.

Hey, it's not contagious.

If anybody blabs to Linda Himes, I'm going to use her toothbrush.

Balance due from Nicholas for painting, 50 cents, KH.

Been a hard day, huh, Nicholas?

Oh, Tom.

We may have another problem.

Oh, keep it. We've used our quota through 1986.

No, listen.

Nicholas doesn't really own the painting.

You mean Nicholas stole the painting?

No, he bought it. The problem is he didn't pay for it. Oh, Dad, are you

Yeah. I saw the bill of sale, and it says balance due 50 cents.

50 cents? On margin? That's the best investment the shrimp will ever make.

Who was the bill from, Ann? It was signed K .H. K .H.? K .H. who? Who's

Um,

I .M., Irving Moore, K .P .L., Kenny P. Landers. Who else, you guys? Who else?

Face it, Joanie, we just don't know. Every kid Nicholas knows.

Well, then we'll just have to find that kid, pay him 50 cents, and the painting

will belong to Nicholas.

End up.

Unless, of course, that child never had permission from his parents to sell the

painting in the first place.

I say we get Nicholas down here and make him tell us who he bought it from.

Yeah, we almost had Nicholas talking when we threatened him with crocodiles.

more crocodiles now.

How about Trench Mountain?

What? Forget it, Dad.

Let's forget everything except sleep, all right?

I'll talk to Nicholas in the morning. In the meantime, I don't want anybody

harassing Nicholas.

Is that clear?

Yes, Daddy. Sure.

Come on, Tommy!

First you wake us up, then you contaminate our bathroom.

Just knock it off, or I'll breathe on you!

At least Trenchmouth is good for a little privacy.

Wait till you see how much privacy you get from Linda Imes.

Nicholas, how about a little breakfast?

Well, I thought you might enjoy eating in privacy.

But Tommy's the one with the French mouth.

Oh, good news travels fast.

And would it be all right if I had a little talk with you over breakfast?

Well, all right.

Now that we know that you didn't find that painting, I've got to find out who

sold it to you.

I can't tell you.

Please, Nicholas, there's a lot at stake here. I'm going to have to talk to your

friend, K .H.

No, don't. You can't.

Now, listen to me, Nicholas. Suppose the painting is worth a lot of money. We've

got to find out who it really belongs to.

That's only fair to your friend.

Do you think she'll get mad?

She? Look, don't ask me any more questions.

Wait a minute, why not?

Because you'll laugh and spoil everything.

Oh, no, Nicholas, I wouldn't laugh. Believe me, I'd never laugh at you.

Miss Hamilton sold it to me.

Miss Hamilton?

Your teacher?

Yeah, she is kind of pretty, and she does smile a lot with her eyes. And she

let me clean out all the erasers.

Oh, wow, she must like you an awful lot.

You really think so?

Well, she did let me drink tea out of those little skinny cups, you know, and

she did trust me to bring back that money that I owed her.

Wow. Well, she's going to like you even more if we're honest with her about the

painting.

Dad, are you going to tell anyone that we like each other?

No, that's our secret.

Does Miss Hamilton have to know that I like her?

I won't tell her.

Never? Never.

Ever? Ever.

Good. Then I won't tell her either, unless she decides to marry that creep

Andrews before I grow up.

Did you find out anything?

Oh, Abby, this involves a lot more than a painting.

Does it involve the mysterious cage?

I'm sorry, but Nicholas swore me to absolute secrecy.

Man talk, huh?

Yeah, you wouldn't believe how manly...

out with you if i have appendicitis no i did not have my appendix taken out last

year linda linda why doesn't he just tell the truth are you

kidding he'd rather have them take his appendix out again

Yes. Oh, hello, Miss Hamilton.

Oh, wait, I think I know you. Weren't you here last week trying to lift my

house? No, no, we did meet once, but it was at the parents' night. Of course,

there were 60 of us and only one of you. I'm Tom Bradford, Nicholas's father.

Oh, of course, Nicholas. Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Bradford, but it seems that every

time the doorbell rings, I... Oh, please, come in, won't you? Oh, sure,

you.

Have a seat.

Thanks.

Can I get you something?

Some tea? Oh, no, thank you.

Although I hear that you have some very nice china.

I'm glad Nicholas liked it. And I can assure you the tea was mostly milk.

What I'm really concerned with is the painting that he bought from you.

Is it true that he hasn't actually paid you for that yet?

I hope you didn't come all this way just to bring me 50 cents.

Oh, no, no, no. I came to tell you that I think it's worth a lot more than that.

A few dollars maybe for paint and canvas.

But Nicholas was so eager to have it.

Well, as the artist, I was flattered that he could see the resemblance.

You're the artist?

I probably shouldn't acknowledge a very bad self -portrait.

But Nicholas recognized it was me.

I guess a nine -year -old boy with a crush is both blind and all -seeing.

If Nicholas should ask, be sure you tell him that you said crush and that I

denied it on a stack of Bibles.

Miss Hamilton, the self -portrait that you did on that canvas was on top of

another painting.

What was that?

Yes, La Infanta.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, a child. The daughter of a Spanish king, 16th century.

You mean that you painted over an old master?

Hardly. I painted over my bad copy of an old master.

I could hardly wait to cover it up with the self -portrait.

I see.

You painted both.

Mr. Bradford, what's this all about?

Oh, well, it's about... a very young boy

and a very special lady and some tea and some sympathy.

Deborah Carr did it better.

All numbers, Hamilton.

I doubt that.

I doubt that very much.

No, Nicholas, it's yours to keep.

Thanks, Dad.

That's all right. It's my pleasure to help you, Nicholas.

You know, not only are you an astute patron of the arts, but you are an

exceptional judge of exceptional ladies.

Did you like Miss Hamilton?

Oh, yes, yes, I liked her.

In fact, if I were nine years old and single...

So, there you have it.

The painting is of no value to anybody except Nicholas.

Why did he make such a fuss about where he got the darn thing?

Oh, that doesn't matter. What really does matter is that the painting was

Nicholas's, it is Nicholas's, and it will remain Nicholas's. Where he got it

his business.

And why he likes it is his secret.

Oh, well.

Do you think my own movie might have just diverted me from perfecting my art

anyway?

Right. I couldn't start the clinic for old...

Another seven or eight years anyway.

John Travolta, eat your heart out.

John Travolta?

Yeah, poor guy. Somebody's got to tell him they don't have to tour Europe

without me.

This year.

Try it.

You think she'll wait till I grow up?

Oh, I don't think so, Nicholas.

Not that she wouldn't want to. It's just that it's going to take you quite a

while. And she knows that you would miss an awful lot if you tried to hurry.

Yeah, I guess you're right. Everyone says mixed marriages are kind of rough.

Well, I'm going to catch up with Derby before the team can show stuff to

else.

Someday when you speak of this, and you will.

Ladies and gentlemen, Ms.

Linda Irons. Hi, Linda.

Hey.

Linda, what are you doing here?

I just wanted to talk to Tommy about all that rubbish he tried to feed me on the

phone this morning.

Well?

Oh, come on, Linda. What do you want me to tell you? The truth.

What's the real reason you can't take me to the film festival tonight?

He just couldn't bring himself to tell you that he has gingivostomatitis.

Trench mouth?

Big deal.

It's not contagious, you know.

Tonight, however, you'll have to settle for holding hands.

We'll pretend you're a gentleman.