Original subtitles

Nicholas! How'd it go?

We won.

56 to nothing.

Well, isn't that supposed to make you happy?

I never got off the bench.

Well, you get him next game.

How can I get him next game if they're on the field and I'm on the bench?

Nicholas, if you never got off the bench, how'd you get your uniform so

Oh, you noticed.

Yeah, it's kind of hard to miss.

Well, I was walking home from the game and this big, big, fat, fat creep

picking on me about my size.

And you wound up playing football one -on -one?

Yeah.

How'd you make out?

What does it look like?

It looks like you lost.

Yeah, 56 to nothing.

There's a magic in the early morning we found

when the sunrise smiles on everything

around.

It's a portrait of the happiness that we feel and

always will.

Oh, it is enough to fill our lives.

¶¶ ¶¶

Yes, hold on a second. I'll see if he's here.

Nicholas, it's a young lady for you.

Okay.

Why does it start early with every child?

What young lady?

Either we had a bad connection or she said her name is Andrea Cuddlesworth.

Hang up.

Why? What's wrong?

I can't talk to her.

Why not?

She's warm for my form.

Nicholas, do you understand what you just said?

Well...

But Tommy says when a girl follows you around at recess and sits next to you at

lunch, that means that she... Please, don't say it. I don't want to hear it.

Hold on a second, please.

What should I tell the dreaded Miss Cuddlesworth?

Well, tell her that she's pushy and she makes me itch.

I can't tell her that.

Tell her that I'm washing my hair. It always works for Nancy.

Uh, hello.

Yes, he can't come to the phone right now. He's busy washing Nancy's hair.

All right, I'll tell him you've gone.

Bye -bye.

Dad, someday I'll do something for you.

Thanks, thanks. Stop growing, will you? Because I don't think I can survive

another adolescence.

Dad!

Oh, good.

Guess what?

I am a professional.

I'm going to remain very calm until you finish that sentence. You are a

professional... Actress? What else? A professional actress is in Broadway, in

Hollywood, as in fame and fortune. You scared the life out of me to tell me

that? You've been an actress ever since you were two days old. You used to emote

when we changed your diapers.

See, I'm a born actress, and as of Monday, I will be a paid actress.

Yeah. As in money? Yeah, Dad. That's terrific.

Well, actually, in the money department, it's only mini -terrific, $58 a week.

Since when can the university theater afford to pay the students anything?

No, Dad, it's not the university.

It's the Sacramento Repertory Company, the civic theater. I'm the only new

person they accepted.

Wow, that's wonderful.

I'm very proud.

Thanks, Dad. I'm so excited.

$58 a week is not a fortune, but actually it's not bad to start with. No.

more than I was making when I started as a copy boy. I was making less than

that. Dad, I love your Tom Bradford Jr. Achiever stories, but I want to tell

everyone the news. I was making less than $300 a month, and your mother was

pregnant with David.

Whoa!

Hey, watch this.

Here you go. Thank you.

Oh, is this just a deposit or are we making withdrawals? It's Nancy's blouse.

want to wear it Friday.

Aw, aw.

Body that gorgeous should be illegal.

This has got to be the best -looking sports car ever built.

Original right -hand drive. Fantastic.

Hey, meet the original Susan Bradford. Larry Finn.

Great. No rust.

Must be the hand cream I use.

Oh, look at that chrome.

There's not a trace of oxidation.

Oxidation.

Did I let oxidation come within ten miles of my car?

Very impressive.

Not every girl could keep a car like this in mint condition.

I'm not every girl.

I can see that.

See, do you think we might take a little spin around the block?

Hey, sure. Come on. Oh, oh, oh. Wait a minute. I forgot. My sister's inside and

we have to go home and polish the hood caps.

Can I come help?

Maybe next time.

I'd like that.

Larry Fenton.

That's Fenton with a P -H.

I'm in the book.

Unless you have a hang -up about calling guys.

Would a woman with a car like this have hang -ups?

Call soon.

I get great vibes from you.

I believe you get great vibes from the station wagon.

Tommy!

take one more radish, you're going to be a dead rabbit.

You'd never hit me. You'd be afraid to break your fingernails. Who said

about hitting?

I'll pull out your whiskers, both of them.

Hey, guys, has anybody in this house ever asked Abby if they could use her

Are you crazy?

Abby's car is by definition Abby's car.

But is that by definition fair?

I mean, the six of us have to share the sedan and the wagon.

A correction, almost seven.

That's right.

When Tommy gets his driver's license, the car situation will be even worse.

You are so right, Elizabeth. Seven people into two cars doesn't go it. All

while, Abby's car is sitting in the garage alone, exposed to rust and

Forget it, guys.

You're driving a hopeless idea up a blind alley.

I'm surprised at you, Mary. What about Bradford's Law?

Yeah, what about Bradford's Law? Share and share alike.

If it applies to one, it should apply to all.

Drop it, Susan.

Abby would rather leave this family than give up her car.

Nancy, I don't think you're being fair to Abby. I mean, she probably hasn't

us her car because no one has explained how much it's needed. By all of us, of

course. Well, that's one piece of explaining I want no part of.

Oh, Mary, how do you expect us to solve our transportation problem if we don't

stick together?

Like we always have, Susan.

With Dad's sedan, a station wagon, and with lots of arguments.

I mean, more than 40 people tried out.

I still can't believe I got it.

I thought I was going to have to spend years of struggle and starvation just to

get near a professional company.

And then presto, overnight I'm a working thespian.

Bravo, Joanie. You know, I think I saw the story of your life on the late show.

Yeah, me too.

You were played by Mickey Rooney.

Go ahead.

I feel too great to care.

Let's have a little respect for art around here. What do you say? Yes.

And employment.

What play are you doing?

Medea. Oh, that's a good choice.

I mean, that's a classic tragedy of love and revenge. It's always been one of my

favorites. But then again, of course, I've always been a Sophocles fan.

Tom, Medea was written by Euripides.

Euripides, Sophocles, they're all Greeks to me.

I can't wait to read the reviews.

I can see it now.

Joni Bradford dazzles Sacramento in her professional debut as Madea.

Before I read off

the roster, I would like to welcome someone very special.

A true star.

This is her first production with our company and I hope it won't be the last.

fresh from a two -month engagement at the North Beach Theater in San

the very, very talented Diana Darnley.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Let's get down to business. Here are the cast assignments.

As I call your name, come up and get your sides, please.

Guess who's Medea?

Alan will play Jason.

Bruce, you're free.

Marie, you're the chorus.

Sandy,

you're the message.

And that's everyone.

No, I mean, what about me?

Oh, Joanie, Joanie. What am I going to do?

There's lots for you to do.

Yours is a very challenging role. And I assure you it will require the utmost

concentration and boundless energy. Oh, you mean that I do have a role?

Of course.

Yours is the role of the newcomer.

You get to build sets, fix props, paint scenery, feed lines, understudy all the

women's roles, and that's a chore.

You get to learn as much as you can about the theater in as short a time as

possible.

All right?

All right.

But this is the first thing I want you to do.

I want you to cross downstage left.

And I want you to get me a cup of coffee.

Okay, friends, can I read it to you once more?

Oh,

for this

I studied Ibsen.

Joanie, it's always hard at first.

I mean, you wouldn't be in the company if you didn't have talent.

No, they didn't want talent. All they wanted was cheap labor.

Well, at least you're learning your craft.

Mary, my craft right now is carpentry and running errands for the leading

I mean, who has time for anything else? Joanie, would you fix this? Joanie,

could you come over here and get this for me? Joanie, could you please sweep

this over here? Joanie, Joanie, what are you doing?

I mean, when I finally have time to look at my script, I'm too numb to find it.

Oh, Mary, I've become the Cinderella of Sacramento.

Listen, Joanie.

Do you think I had it any easier in med school?

I mean, I go in there all ready for brain surgery, right? And they tell me

dissect a frog.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Joanie, what's important is that we never lose sight of our dream.

Yeah, you're right. Yeah.

Oh, it's just that... Mary, I thought I had all the tools to be an actress, you

know?

Diction and sense memory, movement.

would be the tools I'd need.

What is this, a delegation of small Bradfords?

Dad, we've come up with a solution to the transportation crisis.

Okay, let's hear it. Well, seeing as it's impossible at this time to buy a

car... Hmm, I like it so far.

We think it's time to invoke Bradford's law. That's right. Yeah.

Oh, uh, now just exactly, which one did you have in mind?

No member of this family shall hoard his or her private treasures. And we think

it's time Abby's car is no longer considered a private treasure.

Abby's car.

The whole family should be allowed to use it. But only on weekends when she's

not using it.

Oh, I don't know. I mean, Abby is so fussy with that car.

That's a pride and joy.

Besides, it's almost impossible to drive. You remember what happened when I

tried. Dad, just because you're uncoordinated doesn't mean... Dad, it's

principle. Bradford's law has always been family policy.

Yes, but we're dealing with Abby's feelings.

I don't even know if it's fair. After all, she wasn't around when this law was

formulated, so in a sense you could say that it's an ex post facto law.

And... I'll try.

$185?

What did they use, solid gold spark plugs?

It costs more to repair Gwendolyn because she's special.

Yeah, I know. It's the only one of our cars that costs more than three kids.

But the money wouldn't worry me if the car were more practical. But, I mean, to

spend that kind of money on a car when only one person can drive it?

Are you trying to tell me something?

No.

Well, as a matter of fact, yes.

You see, the kids need an extra car, and they want permission from you to use

your car.

Mom, my car was not meant to be driven by a family.

Especially not this family.

I almost had heart failure the time you drove it. Well, the feeling was mutual.

You know, it has nothing to do with me. It's Bradford's law.

Bradford's what?

Law. It's a family policy regarding private property. Simply stated, in a

of eight, there is no such thing.

How come I never heard about this law before?

Oh, well, it goes back many years. It all started when David had this very

special baseball that he caught up at Candlestick Park.

And, oh, he cherished it. I mean, you had to get his permission just to look

it. He kept it hidden underneath his mattress and everything. And then one

morning, Tommy figured it was going to waste underneath David's bed, so he took

it to practice at the Little League.

Well, I tell you, when I finally got it back from Tommy, I had to tell David. I

said, look, any...

personal property not used by its owner automatically becomes family property.

Tom, there's a very big difference between a baseball and my car.

About $9 ,997 worth.

Yeah, but it's the same principle.

I mean, when something isn't used by its owner, then it has to be shared.

Well, I'm sorry, but I just can't do it.

Oh.

All right.

That's good.

Well, good night. And listen, it's all right. I'll think of something to tell

the kids.

Don't worry.

Who's worried?

The kids won't think that you're being selfish.

Who's feeling selfish?

Tony!

I thought you'd fix this, or do you want me to trip and break my neck?

Oh, Diana, I'm sorry. Really, I thought it was secure. Hold on just a minute,

and I'll pin it.

Listen, darling, I understand that this is your first professional work. Yeah.

But you must understand that the theater is not all fun and games.

You have responsibilities. You're paid to do a job. I guess I have been messing

up a lot, Diana.

Well, you're honest. That's good. I like that.

Honesty is the essence of acting, Joanie.

There may be hope for you yet.

Joanie, when are you going to finish painting these shields?

I'll be right there, Richard. It's fine.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry. Joanie, I thought we agreed that you'd stop being a klutz.

Now get with it. I'm sorry. Joanie, what's holding you up?

Hey,

good morning.

Hi. Well, did you talk to Dad? How did it go?

Abby repealed Bradford's law unilaterally.

I knew it. Man, I could have really operated with those wheels.

We're not licked yet.

What do you have in mind?

Guilt.

and then three miserable transfers.

Yeah, and I have 20 minutes of peddling uphill.

Yeah, but see, I just made this real special breakfast. Is that waffles and

bacon? Sorry.

Bye. You know, that's real thoughtful of you, Abby, but I can't be late for

homeroom, and it's a long walk.

Did somebody say waffle?

Oh, yeah, right in the kitchen, all you want. And there's sausage and there's

bacon. Oh, I'd love to, but you know how carpools are. Last one in has to sit on

the hump.

Hey, Susan.

Hey, Larry. Hi.

Hey, what's wrong? I haven't heard from you. I've been real busy.

Listen, uh, you didn't sell your car, did you? Hey, it's on my MG. Are you

kidding? But I didn't see it in the parking lot. It's in the garage.

Oh, no.

An accident?

Oh, it just needs some work. You know, some adjustments.

You know how finicky those cars are. Well, that's a relief.

I hope you get it fixed soon.

Hey, me too. That's why I've got every available person working on it. Super.

The British mechanics?

Oh, I'll see ya.

I'm in the book.

That's Fenton. Yeah, with the PAs, I know.

Oh, hi, Harvey.

What's in the cup?

The essence of Sacramento's culture.

Emptiness. I need coffee, Bradford.

What happened to the coffee in the dramatic department?

This backwater rag doesn't pay its unappreciated dramatic department,

nevertheless outstanding dramatic department enough money to afford

Well, aren't you being a little overdramatic?

In Sacramento, only I decide what's overdramatic.

This stuff is the acme of repulsiveness.

Oh, that's funny. It was fine when we made it yesterday.

Witty.

So, what's happening these days among your plethora of offspring?

Well, it will warm your black heart to know that you're going to have another

Bradford to kick around.

Because my daughter, Joanie, has just joined the Sacramento Repertory Company.

One of my favorite targets.

Let's see, they're attempting Medea, aren't they? What role does she play?

Cinderella.

in Sacramento would they add Cinderella to the cast of Medea?

You know what I mean, Harvey. She's the company apprentice.

She's going to sweep the floors and help build the sets and sell the costumes.

Well, starting at the bottom builds character.

No one knows that better than you, Bradford.

Don't you ever have anything kind to say about anyone?

I think Olivier did a respectable job with Hamlet.

I vote for Sante.

Oui, oui.

Hey, everybody, here's the program.

Hot off the presses.

All right, come on. Hey, here's the program, guys. Come on, great.

We're all in it.

Yeah. Joanie!

What? Leave.

What's wrong?

Why can't you follow simple instructions? Didn't I tell you that

with two Ns, not one?

Oh.

She's sorry.

She's been sorry since the first day of rehearsal.

Let's go, people.

We're running very late now, and I want to run through the second act one more

time before we break. So, places, please.

We'll take you to Jason's entrance.

Charlie, can we wait a minute while I take a look at the script?

Oh, your script, Diana. I have it. It's right over here.

And here's the scene. It's right here.

Jason enters.

Yes, the wrong scene.

Typical.

I don't believe this. What are you going to do next?

Get away from me. Hey, lighten up, Diana.

Forget it, Alan. Let me handle this. I'm sorry, Diana.

I am truly sorry. I repent for all my sins, but I am not here to cater to your

every whim. And I'm tired of being treated like your little handmaiden. All

right, that's enough. That's enough. Can we get on with the scene? We haven't

finished this one yet, darling.

Listen, honey, you've got a lot to learn.

Starting with respect. Listen, that's enough, Diana. Leave it alone. I told

I don't work with amateurs. I am doing this show as a favor to you, and look

what I get. One foul up after another. Diana. No, I am sick of your excuses.

I've had it.

You can find yourself another, my dear.

I am through.

Diana.

Diana, wait a minute.

Be reasonable.

Diana, you can't walk out now.

Terrific. We're closed before we open.

Oh, my God. First.

and I destroy the show.

Oh, don't worry, Joanie. Come on.

She's just temperamental. I know, but I should... Don't worry, honey. She'll be

back. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

Thanks for giving the kid a break.

Too bad she blew it.

Joanie.

I'm sorry, Richard. It won't happen again. I'm leaving.

No, you're not.

Yeah, I... Diana's gone.

She's probably halfway to San Francisco by now.

She's temperamental, and she's unprofessional.

Now, I'm not exactly thrilled, but I don't have a choice.

You're going on as Medea.

Me?

No, I can't. I can't. I haven't even looked at the lines. You better get on

kiddo, because you have about 27 hours before you face the audience.

Is this a fire drill?

Shall I burn their house with fire or stealing past unseen

to Jason's bed?

Stop!

Mary, what are you doing up?

I was going to ask you the same question, Joni, but when I came in here,

were not exactly up.

Oh, yeah, I know.

I've had six cups of coffee. I thought this stuff was meant to keep you awake.

The only time that that stuff keeps you awake is when you want to go to sleep.

What are you doing up anyway?

Diana darnly quit.

I'm playing the lead.

Well, that's great. Are you excited already?

At four o 'clock in the morning, this is as excited as I get.

I don't really feel good about it. Why?

If it hadn't been for my mistakes, Diana would still be my dear.

I miss it.

That's not a bad idea.

You know, maybe subconsciously, I'm

trying to sabotage your performance, if you would quit.

This is not a time to be Freudian. You will do fine, okay?

There's plenty of time.

It's four o 'clock now and you go on at eight. That gives you 20, 22 hours. No,

try 16 hours.

I'd rather try to get some sleep.

Sleep.

Sleep that knits up the raveled sleeve of care.

Oh, wrong play.

a blade to kill you for that.

And stab breast to breast the wedding pair.

Okay, we heard the great news. How's the cramming?

Terrible. Can't remember who I'm killing from one scene to the next.

Medea kills people?

Oh, does.

First there's her brother, Absurdus. He killed her brother?

Obviously justifiable homicide.

And then she killed Peleus.

and King Creon's daughter, King Creon himself, and then her own children.

Who? She killed her own children?

Does Dad know you're doing this trash?

Nah, he left before I could tell him.

Besides, you know, after playing a nude scene, how can he complain if I play a

murderer? A murderer?

Do you beat the rat?

It's a blatant conflict of interest.

Your daughter won't even be on stage.

But she built the set. She swept the floor. How can I be objective?

Don't review the floor.

Bradford, I wouldn't ask if I weren't in a bind.

My son reserved a campsite and everything.

How can I tell him the weekend's off because his father has to review the

Sacramento Respiratory Company?

I'll tell your son.

That's easier than reviewing Madea.

Look at it this way.

Aren't you always complaining about how I pan everything?

Well, here's your chance to turn the tables on me. Well, I would be more open

-minded. Then you'll do it. I can't. I'm way behind on my columns. I'll take one

off your hands.

You write my review, I'll write your column.

Something to amuse all four of your readers.

Trade? Take advantage of my offer, Bradford.

Astound your fans.

Let me introduce them to words of three syllables.

It might be fun to astound your fans by introducing them to something cheerful

for a change.

Listen, if you can find anything nice to say about the Sacramento Respiratory

Theater, I'll find something nice to say about your coffee.

Adios.

Gesundheit.

He's coming.

I see a slave of Jason's coming.

Right.

I love the old way best.

The simple way of poison.

Tony!

Forget her. She's too busy killing people.

Hey, Susan.

Do you think Abby's ready to negotiate about her car?

Who knows? Maybe she's seen the light. If she hasn't seen the light, I'll

never...

Never mind.

So where's Johnny?

Act 3, scene 1.

Okay, we're going to start with Adam.

Okay.

Now, I understand that there's a movement afoot to liberate my car.

Well... Abby, we can explain it. No, there's no need to. I understand your

position. I mean... We are short of cars, and it makes no sense for one

member to monopolize a family possession. You're absolutely right

On the other hand, I do not like it when people go behind my back.

In fact, it infuriates me.

So in the future, if you want something from me, you will come to me first, and

we will call that Abby's Law.

Now... With respect to the use of my car, I agree to relinquish autonomous

control.

But we're going to do it on my terms, you know. And if I'm to trust you with

car, I want to be absolutely certain I can trust you. So as you can see, I've

made up a small list of rules.

Take one, please. Turn to page one and follow me to the driveway.

Okay, rule number one is about starting the car.

And you make sure the car is in neutral. You understand? Neutral. And the gears

do. Okay? And you turn on the key.

The key? I think I'm lost already.

Okay, now, pull out the manual choke.

And then you pull out the starter button and you depress the accelerator.

Three beats.

Stop. Three beats.

Stop.

Until you start the car. Okay?

Rule number two is about the clutch. You make sure you pump the... clutch once

before holding it down to put it into gear do you got that uh -huh okay good

now rule number three what to feel for while shifting what to feel for while

shifting you get rule number three what to feel for while shifting

you get it rule

number 49 the oil pressure should always be at 60 while driving at a normal

speed and 30 while idling.

Rule number 50.

Report to me immediately if anything goes wrong with my car.

Well, Susan, I guess you're the only one who was really serious about Gwendolyn.

Congratulations.

Thanks.

So, can I borrow it tonight?

That was quick.

I'm a quick study.

Yeah, I guess it's okay.

Bradford, what are you doing? I'm not home, but...

Hello? Are you Mrs.

Bradford? Yes, I am. Can I help you?

My name is Andrea Kellersworth.

I'm the one who lets Nicholas peek at my spelling.

Is he home?

Well, he's, um... Well, Andrea, he's not in the house.

Well, that's right, Andrea.

Nicholas is not in the house at the present moment.

He sure is a hard person to get a hold of.

He sure is.

He's very busy. Can I give him a message?

Just tell him I came by to see him, and I sort of have something real important

to tell him.

Okay, I'll be glad to.

Thank you very much.

It was very nice meeting you. Goodbye.

Bye.

Bradford, I don't understand you. She seems like a very nice little girl.

Yeah, why can't you stand her?

I could stand her if you moved away.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

That's right, Larry. We found the mechanical problem. I am supercharged

ready to roll.

Pick you up at seven?

All right.

Well,

now I get it.

He must be something very special with all the trouble you've gone through.

don't knock it, Nancy.

Abby has placed in my hands the most powerful man trap since the invention of

Cleavage.

I don't believe this. I am not nervous.

I am not nervous.

Good.

You ready? Okay, bye. No, no.

Okay,

good luck, Tony.

Break a leg, okay? Oh, Dad, just a minute. Dad, guess what? I'm playing the

lead. See you later.

What's that all about?

Oh, it's wonderful news. Tony's playing Medea.

Guess who's playing Medea's critic?

How can I judge my own daughter in public?

Dad, you're a journalist. You were trained to be objective.

Maybe you could write the review under an assumed name?

A Bradford review by any other name is still a Bradford review.

Can we go inside now?

Nicholas, I didn't realize you were that excited about Greek drama.

It's just that I don't like being out in the open. I'm a good mark for Andrea

Bloodhound. Come on, Nicholas. She wouldn't look for you here.

Don't bet on it.

I can't get over this car.

It's like riding in the Grand Prix.

Uh, Larry, at the Grand Prix, you don't have a real -life girl sitting next to

you. You have no idea what this does to me.

Look at that wood dash.

Those gauges.

Feel this leather interior.

Uh, Larry, we're at the restaurant.

We're gonna eat, remember?

A pied de couchon, the most intimate French restaurant in town. Let's go.

to this dynamite place over on the west side.

They still have curb service.

We wouldn't have to get out of the car.

Larry.

Come on, come on, come on.

others take no thought. Since others take no thought, it seems, to save the

babes that they begot.

No. No.

This doom is past beyond recall.

You should have gone to the drive -in. Oh, Ma, oh, this isn't happening to me.

No. Well, there goes the evening.

There goes the evening.

There goes my life.

Well, what do you want?

They're valuable cars.

Sooner or later, it was bound to get ripped off.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Car Expert.

A lot of help you are.

Well, you're insured, aren't you? Oh, how do I know? It's not even my car.

What do you mean it's not your car?

Did you steal it, too? Oh, hush.

Man, how do I find these crazy chicks?

Okay, okay, relax.

Now, what would an independent, intelligent woman do under these

Keep calm.

Keep a clear head.

Oh, God, David.

It reminds me of that scene in Citizen Kane when everybody's waiting for Joseph

Cotton's review.

Citizen Kane is Johnny's favorite movie.

Kind of ironic, really.

Well, Nicholas is all tucked in. Is Susan back yet? No, not yet.

Boy, Dad sure has been going at it in there.

Must be a pretty long review.

Well, when you're destroying someone, you don't send them a telegram.

I'll make some coffee, okay? Because it looks like it's going to be a long

night. Okay.

Mary, was Joanie that bad?

Well, she would have been bad if she'd remembered her lines.

But as it was, she was nothing short of disastrous.

Well, I still think Dad will go easy on her. What odds do you want?

Oh, come on. Dad's got to feel sorry for her. Sure. Dad's always had a soft spot

for Joanie. Forget it. He'll waste her.

What do you know?

In the kitchen?

Susan, what happened?

Why is everybody sitting here?

You don't want to know.

Abby? Oh, Susan.

I am so glad to see you. So how'd it go? How'd it go? Oh, I had better days.

Yeah? Well, uh, there wasn't anything wrong with the shifting, was there? Oh,

no. Shifted great. Oh, good.

Well, how about the starter? It didn't grind, did it? Oh. No, no. Everything

went just fine until she was stolen.

Did you just say my car was stolen?

Tom! Tom!

Tom, my car was stolen!

Good, now I won't have to pay all those repair bills.

How can you be so old?

Abby, I just called the police. They're looking for Gwendolyn now.

Abby, it'll be all right. They'll find her.

I hope so.

Abby, I promise I'll never use your car again.

May not be much choice, huh?

Oh, boy.

Reception, Minnie.

All right, all right. Don't make me feel bad by saying something sweet.

No offense, Joanie, but we weren't going to.

A nice lie wouldn't hurt.

Well, try telling that to honest Tom, Brad.

Oh, Joanie, I thought I heard your voice.

Would you mind stepping inside for a moment?

Sure.

What's going on?

Yeah?

What I have to say is very difficult.

I know it. I know it, Dad. I was terrible.

And I let you down, I know, I know. It's just that I wasn't prepared to go on

tonight. That's all. You don't understand. No, Dad, you don't have to

I know it.

I mean, I was bad, and that's it.

I mean, I was really lucky, though, because the critic from the Sacramento

Register didn't come, at least in all of them. He was there.

Oh, no, Dad, the director said that he wasn't there. Take it from me, he was

there.

I reviewed the play.

You?

It's a long story.

The important thing is, when I agreed to do it, I thought that you were building

sets and sweeping.

I found out that you were starring, and it was too late.

Then I was reviewed?

As honestly as I could review you.

I, uh... I want you to read it.

As a father, I was dazzled... dazzled... tonight by the

performance of my daughter, Joni.

I was awarded the rare opportunity to watch one of my children face an

difficult challenge.

She met it bravely and independently.

I sat glued to my seat.

Wishing I could help.

Knowing I was powerless, but proud, so very proud that she'd shown the

fortitude and determination that is the hallmark of the true professional.

True professional.

Thanks, Dad.

That's really beautiful.

I meant every word of it.

I'm glad you like it.

It's yours to keep.

Unfortunately, this one, written by an objective critic, is the one that's

in the Sacramento Register.

And now, as an objective coward, I'm leaving.

emotions from A to B.

How could she be laughing at an insult like that?

That's the compliment. The insults are coming.

Well,

it's getting kind of late. I think we should all get to sleep. That's a good

idea. Tom, what are we going to do about my car?

What about your car? I told you it was stolen.

You mean you weren't kidding?

No. I thought you were just trying to flush me out of the study. No joke, Dad.

Her car was really stolen.

Dad, I'll make it up to her if it takes 100 years.

What good would that do? In 100 years, there won't be any gasoline.

Hello? Susan, how could you do that? Do you know the way Abby feels about...

What's the name? Gwendolyn.

Oh, really?

That's great.

Well, sure.

First thing in the morning.

Okay, I'll tell her. Bye -bye. The first thing that we have to do is call the

police. Dad,

that was the police. Abby, they found your car, and it's okay.

What? they find it? About five blocks from the restaurant. Would you believe

ran out of gas and they cut the crooks looking for an open gas station. So

catchy.

Now I remember what it was. I forgot.

What? Well, ladies and gentlemen, rule number 51.

The gas gauge doesn't work.

Oh, you guys.

Oh, please do me a favor and just forget about this whole evening. No problem.

Do you want us to do that? Please.

Oh, except for this last part of your review. This part. Okay.

Although Miss Bradford was loathsome as Medea, the scenery was

skillfully built and the entire theater was delightful.

A real change of pace.

He panned Yosemite National Park.

Hey, Susan, you never told us about your big date. Oh, Larry Fenton with a P -H.

That guy's got a one -cylinder mind.

Her flag's back to cleavage.

Well, good luck.

Hey.

I'll get it.

Hello?

Uh, just a minute. I'll see if he's home.

Nicholas, it's that little girl again.

Tell her I'm not home.

Nicholas, what'd I tell you? No more cover -ups.

Come on.

Nice, Nicholas.

Vimitor, Nicholas.

Did she ask you to go steady? Yeah, she must like guys that play hard to get,

huh? What did she want to tell you all this time?

She told me to blow it out my ears.