Original subtitles

Tommy, I can't sleep.

Yeah, well, I can, so how about letting me, huh?

All right, Nicholas, what's the problem?

Well, I've been thinking.

You woke me up just to tell me that?

Yeah, Dad said Abby's parents are called in -laws.

Mm -hmm.

So, are in -laws really a pain like Dad said?

How should I know? I don't have any.

You gotta get married to have in -laws, right?

Right.

So, if I never get married, I'll never have any in -laws.

Profound, Nicholas.

Profound.

Thanks, Tommy. Good night.

Hey, Nicholas, you're not thinking of getting married in the near future, are

you?

No way.

Then why are you asking about in -laws?

Well, I just wanted to check things out, you know, so I don't get any surprises

Lookie here.

Sorry, I don't kiss on the first date.

No, no, no, no. See that?

That is a whisker. You know most guys don't even shave till they're 17.

Think maybe I could pass for 17?

Maybe in the dark. If you're nearsighted and desperate.

Thanks a lot. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to shave.

Ah, what are you going to use, tweezers?

Every morning and evening for 20 minutes. I mean, it's like living in a

with zombies. So how long has this been going on?

Ever since Saturday, since she went to that lecture with Mari. What do you

think? Should we commit her now or maybe wait a few days?

Who are we committing this with?

Susan. She started meditating.

I'll get it. Probably for me.

What is funny? I'm sure nobody else lives here, right? Hello?

Yes,

just a second.

It's for you, Abby.

See?

For me?

Hello, yes, this is Abby.

Hey, Mom!

How are you?

Yeah, I'm good.

Everything's fine. How's Dad?

Yes, everyone's fine.

They're great.

Pasadena? Yeah.

I always thought they passed little notes to each other on my wall

Yeah, well, it has been a long time, that's for sure.

Gee, Mom, I don't know. That's kind of short notice.

Oh, I see. You're exhibiting your Westphalian begonias at the Pasadena

Show.

No, no, Mama. I'm sure Tom would love to see that. Really.

Look, you know, the thing to do is for me to talk to him and then try to get

back to you tomorrow. Is that okay?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's great talking to you, Mama. I'll call you tomorrow, okay?

Right. Bye -bye.

He will never talk him into that. No way.

Well, it's worth a try. Lots of luck.

Westphalian begonias, huh?

Westphalian begonias?

Mother enters them every year. They're really quite lovely, you know. Oh, come

on. I don't even like flowers.

Well, Tom, that wouldn't be the only reason we're going, of course. I mean,

would be nice to visit them. I mean, we haven't been able to the last several

times they've asked us, you know. We've been busy every other time.

Oh, gosh, I forgot. You know why I can't go? I had that stupid poker game this

Friday night.

That's not what Max said. Max said that it's a week from Friday.

Oh, is it? Well, I get mixed up. Anyway, I can't go because I'm way behind on my

column. Not according to your editor. What do you do? Put a private detective

me? Look, the last five times you've had an excuse, so I just decided to check

everything out in advance.

How about I just don't want to go? Did you check that one out?

How about you just don't like my parents? That's it, isn't it? Oh, no,

that. That's not it. I like your parents. I mean, they're all right for

-laws, I guess. It's just that I don't like leaving these children alone.

Tom, four of them are legal adults, and the rest of them are very self

-sufficient, and you know it. Self -sufficient, yes, but disciplined,

another question. I tell you something, if we leave them alone for a weekend,

anarchy will reign in this house. So?

So?

So you won't be around to see it.

Look, I have a great idea.

Why don't we go in July?

Pasadena is beautiful in July.

Tom!

Christmas?

I thought only women lied about their age. Now, you see, Linda has this very

strict policy. She only goes out with guys that are 17 or older.

Is she worth it? Is she worth it? David, wait till you see her picture. I copped

it from the yearbook editor.

This is the girl of my dreams.

Maybe we ought to call a doctor.

How about a mechanic? I think her fan belt's slipping.

babysit? No, not really babysit. More like supervise. You know, just keep an

on the house, make sure it doesn't burn down.

You can even use our bedroom.

Now, hold on a second.

You mean you want me to play parent for the weekend?

Well, I'm certainly not going to leave these kids alone without some

supervision. Now, wait a minute. You've got four daughters over 18.

Tommy and Elizabeth are old enough to take care of themselves.

That leaves you with six people to supervise Nicholas, who happens to be a

pretty self -sufficient kid.

All right. How much is it worth to you?

Oh, no, no, no, no. You couldn't pay me enough to take that job. That's why I

moved out, remember?

You mean you won't do it?

You know what I think?

I think all this concern over leaving the kids for the weekend is a big smoke

screen. Smoke screen? What for?

You don't want to go to Pasadena, do you?

Boy, sharing a set of rollers is definitely the last word in

sorry I left mine at Ellen's. I'll buy a new set tomorrow.

Hey, what do you think? Is Dad going to break down and go to Pasadena?

The smart money says no.

It's the smart money.

There is no way he's going to go.

Oh.

Don't you think Abby can talk him into it?

Nope. Dad has a real talent for manufacturing excuses for things he

to do. Yeah.

Boy, you'd think he was being drawn and quartered, you know? I mean, they're

only in -laws. What's so terrible about in -laws?

You gotta get divorced to get rid of them.

All I know is if Dad doesn't give in, there is gonna be... War.

I win, I win!

You win, you win.

Wanna play again?

Nah, you're too quick for me, Cincinnati.

Hey, Tommy.

Think Dad's gonna give in and go away?

I sure hope so.

How come?

You don't wanna know.

Why don't I wanna know?

Because it'll give you ideas. I gotta go shave.

Again?

In -laws, eh?

They are one of the hidden terrors of matrimony.

Did I ever tell you about Daisy's mother, Millicent?

Six times you told me about her. She's the one who rearranges the furniture.

Look, don't get me wrong, Max. It's not that I dislike my in -laws.

It's just that I...

I don't like them.

You see, Catherine is going to have an exhibition of her Westfagan begonias at

the Pasadena Flower Show.

This undoubtedly means that Harry is going to want to have 18 holes of paw

with me, and he's so boring.

Tom, you haven't broken 80 since the last time you were on a miniature golf

course with Nicholas.

I know.

I cheated.

Look at it this way. At least you'll have a few days away from the kids.

Yeah, when I come home, the whole house might be gone.

Max, I have an idea.

Listen, I'll make a deal with you.

Here's what you do. If I do decide to go away, you just drop around to my house,

as if you were in the neighborhood, you know, and kind of check things out.

Why don't I just cruise by and check for smoldering ruins?

Max! All right, all right.

Just for that, I'm going to take you to lunch.

Oh, the Jalisco hot dog pit?

Oh, no, no. We're going to go first class.

A petit Jordan?

Please, I could hire a private detective for what that place costs.

Uh -uh. I'm going to take you to a very small, but not unamusing, middle

European restaurant called the Dubrovnik Goulash House.

Grease, Tom.

Grease. Good grease, Max.

Good grease.

What I'm concerned about is responsibility and

organization.

in the smooth running of this household.

But, Dad, it's only two days.

Please. Rome burned in a night. Dad, why are you so paranoid about this weekend?

You've left us alone before.

Yes, and I remember very well the New York trip. We returned only to find two

dozen empty pizza cartons, eight unmade beds, a dismantled motorcycle in the

kitchen, and a Labrador retriever. Oh, he was so cute.

Oh, he was adorable, sure. He loved our carpeting.

Yeah, yeah. Well, things are going to be different this time. This time I'm

going to organize things correctly. Do you understand?

We're going to have certain ground rules. We're going to have a chain of

command. Now, the first rule is going to be that nobody outside of this family

is allowed in the house.

What? Just for the weekend.

It'll make things much easier for the commander.

Commander? Dad, this is not the army, and I think you're overdoing it a

don't you?

No, I don't. And neither should you, because...

You are the commander.

Me? Why me?

Because you're the oldest. I'm putting you in charge.

Now, if anything should happen and you have to leave the house, then the chain

of command will go to Joanie, because she's the next oldest, and so forth, in

reverse order of age.

It'll never get to me.

Now, all normal rules, such as household duties and curfews, will remain in

force starting Friday night.

Please, don't forget to turn the thermostat down to 60 every night. Put

garbage out. Remember that. Eat regular balanced meals at regular hours. Tom,

we're going to miss our plane. Oh, yes, the plane. That's right. Okay, and be

sure to lock the doors at night. Put out the lights. Leave your windows open

from the top. You know, just a crack. No more than that. If the pilot light on

the furnace goes out, don't you try to relight it. Call the gas company. The

phone number's in the kitchen. Have a good time.

We love you.

Bye.

He's like a little kid.

I'm using it.

I know you're still there.

Hello, Frank?

Yeah, hi, this is Elizabeth.

Um, what are you doing this weekend?

Well, see, my parents have gone out of town until Sunday.

Oh, hello, Linda.

Yeah, I got the run of the place.

Uh -huh.

Yeah, my parents are out of town. What do you say we, uh, get together?

Hi, Irving. This is Nicholas.

Hey, you still want to run away from home?

Hey, Irvin.

Wake up. I brought you some cereal.

Oh, thanks.

Hungry, huh?

Yeah. Ran away before dinner.

Well, you can stay here until Sunday, because that's where my parents get

See, they have to park the car in here.

Okay.

Hey, listen.

What did your parents do to you anyway?

I stuck bubble gum in my sister's milk glass, and they wanted me to drink the

milk and apologize.

Oh, boy.

Sounds awful.

Ah, good morning, Commander.

Walk away from it, Tommy.

Well, you are the senior ranking officer, aren't you? I didn't want the

remember? Oh, I'm so sorry. It's so lonely at the top.

Don't worry about it, kid. You'll get through it, okay? Just remember, your

power is derived from the people. What is that supposed to mean?

Well, you remember what happened to Marie Antoinette, don't you?

Hi,

I'm Marvin from Patagonia.

Hi, I'm Mary from Sacramento.

You don't know me, but my father's cousin Ralph... You know Ralph and

from Akron?

It's second cousins once removed from your father's brother, Henry. Which

it like second cousins twice removed.

Or is it third cousins once removed?

I don't know.

Anyway, I got your address off a Christmas card.

What?

Listen, can I come in?

Oh, here, come on in. I'm sorry.

Pack is heavy.

Do you have a cold?

Oh, hay fever.

Been in the truck all night.

Dusty, very dusty. Hi. Hello.

Hi. I'm Marvin from Patagonia.

Cousin. From Patagonia.

Hi, Gus.

Hi.

Uh, listen, you guys wouldn't have anything to eat, would you?

So I said to myself, Marvin, there has to be more to life than one movie

theater, two bowling alleys, and a discount drugstore.

You know what the big thing to do is on a Saturday night in Patagonia?

You go down to the gas station off of the interstate and you watch them lube

cars. Oh, yeah.

Well, where are you heading?

San Francisco.

I hate Ashbury.

I intend to become a flower child.

Marvin, I hate to break this to you, but that whole hate Ashbury thing, it broke

up at least five years ago.

What?

Are you sure?

Um, sure.

Well, why didn't anybody tell me?

Well, it was never officially announced.

It says right here that Siddhartha journeyed across the river to the land

self. I took that to mean the Sacramento River.

Well, you could still go to San Francisco, Marvin. It's a nice place.

There's Coit Tower, the Fisherman's Wharf. Aha, aha, worldly distractions.

When Sid Arthur went to the city, he mingled with unsavory women and

unscrupulous men.

I'm just going to have to rethink things, that's all.

Hey, uh, listen, you guys don't mind if I crash here for a while?

No. Oh, no.

No. No, there's a couch in the sun porch over there.

All right, thanks a lot.

Boy.

You know, you guys have a really terrific commune going here.

They had no parents. I thought we weren't

supposed to have anybody in the house.

Yeah, anybody outside the family, that is.

Unfortunately, Marvin is family.

All right, Elizabeth, I'll get right to the point. I happen to know that you

invited Frank North over here tonight.

So what if I did?

Well, besides being against the special regulations that the chief issued, I

also know that Frank North is 19 and a flunk out from the Navy. He didn't flunk

out. He was dishonorably discharged. I know. I checked him out.

Yeah, but what are you going to do, tell Dad he's not here?

No, Elizabeth, I'm not going to tell Dad. Or even as Deputy Sheriff Mary.

No, what I'm going to do is I'm going to make a little deal with you.

I'm listening.

You know Linda Imes, the girl that only goes out with 17 -year -old guys?

I think we should have a few sophisticated people over for drinks and

conversation. Yeah, but what about the rule against having people over?

going to care, Nancy. We're going to be so quiet, subtle.

Besides, everyone will be out anyway.

How many people should we have?

Six. That's the ideal number for intelligent conversation.

Oh, just a few people. You know, about 10 or 15.

Your older brother?

Yeah, sure, he can come.

Well, we really hadn't thought about music.

A band.

Where are we going to get a band? Just leave it to me.

We're having a band.

Boy, you're really following your orders to the letter, aren't you, Commander?

Yeah, regular meals at regular hours. Who ever heard of this family eating

Saturday lunch together? Yeah. Yeah, how come Susan's going to eat? Oh, well,

Susan's not exactly with us this weekend. She's on her way to Kofi.

Kofi? Where's Kofi?

Southwest of Patagonia.

Mary, can I go feed the squirrel for lunch?

Nicola, I don't think squirrels like split peas, do they?

How do you know? You're not a squirrel.

Yeah. Come on, Commander, let the little boy go outside.

Yeah, let the squirrel. Come on, you old witch.

Let him go.

Look at you guys. I didn't want to take this job, okay? I agreed to do it. And

since I agreed to do it, I'm going to do it right.

Sounds like Nixon, doesn't it?

That's below the belt, Johnny.

Oh, come on, Mary. Lighten up. You're one of us, remember?

Besides, Dad and Abby will never know if we break a little rule or two. Yeah,

who's going to tell them?

Yeah, I mean, for instance, say one of us wanted to have a few friends over

tonight. Yeah, I suppose one of us did want to have a few friends over tonight.

You wouldn't squeal, would you? It'd be her word against ours.

I declare a mutiny.

Workers unite. We have nothing to lose but our chance.

Listen, guys, I hate to ruin your mood, but I'd rather quit than fight. I

advocate. Joanie, you're next in line. You remember the chain of command?

Have a good time.

Have a good time. Oh, no, I'm not. Look at me. It's all yours. Merry Christmas.

Oh,

here you go, kid.

I'm in charge?

That's right. It's your ship. Take over, Captain.

I gotta go take my allergy pill.

Beware of power, Nicholas.

It corrupts men.

Mom, I'm okay.

No, Mom, my hay fever hasn't been bothering me much.

Yes,

Mom, I've packed plenty of clean underwear.

No, I can't tell you where I am.

Of course I know where I am.

I'm finally free of Patagonia.

You should see me now, Mom. You wouldn't recognize me anymore. I'm finally

blossoming.

No, not my complexion. My karma.

Karma is something that isn't in Patagonia.

Listen, Ma, I can't talk anymore.

Next time you hear from me, I'll be in Nirvana.

What? No, no, you can't call me there.

I'll call you. Ma, bye.

Boy, you're so lucky to have it all together.

Have you seen the living room? No. Is it missing?

Joke if you want, Mary. Joke if you want. But you have no idea what is going

down there.

Tommy says he needs party clothes, so he is moving out all of the furniture.

Terrific. That ought to get him just what he needs. Hey, what about the rest

us, huh? Nancy and I have people coming over here, too.

Now, how is an intimate group of mature people supposed to socialize when the

only conversation area is the fireplace?

That's a good question, Joanie. And I have just the answer for you.

Find out for yourself.

Look at, uh...

I am not the ruler around here anymore, remember?

Anarchy reigns. Mary, you can't just wash your hands of this. We need your

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Well, as one anarchist to another, I have two suggestions.

Yes?

Stay out of my room if you value your life, and don't burn the house down. It

just might upset Dad.

seen my copy of Sid Arthur?

Sid who?

Never mind.

That one of your brothers?

No, that's my cousin Marvin from Patagonia.

That's a weird name.

Patagonia? No, Marvin.

Look, why can't you guys just use the screen porch?

Why don't you guys? Yeah, why don't you guys? I mean, you are... Okay, come on,

come on. Why don't we be calm, mature, rational?

this okay i mean we've got one saturday night right okay let it down the middle

now you guys can take the first half and then what around 10 o 'clock or so we

can use the living room 10 o 'clock 10 o 'clock is fair 10 o 'clock is not fair

the night's still young the band will just be getting started oh the band the

band hey tommy

worry about it. Just go sit up in there. How's things?

Terrific. Just terrific.

All right. Yeah, right in the room.

Tommy. Tommy. Watch out for the windows. Tommy. Forget this. Tommy. Tommy,

you cannot do this. It's already being done. Well, I do it.

No way, Nancy. This house is as much ours as it is yours.

Just give up on them. Okay, you can have the living room. We'll take the screen

porch and the kitchen is up for grabs.

Out, Nicholas, out.

But I'm in charge.

Yeah, you're in charge. I'll ride to the backyard to take a hike.

But, Nicholas, outside.

All right.

Come on, Irving. Looks like we have to camp out.

But you said you were in charge.

Yeah, but we're outnumbered.

David, I was outnumbered.

I mean, now I know how Captain Queeg felt in McCain Mutiny.

So seriously.

What would you, uh, think if I called Dad?

And give him an excuse to come back early from Pasadena? No, Abby would

forgive you.

You're right, huh?

I suggest we let our brothers and sisters make their own mistakes.

We did the same things when we were their age.

It's their turn.

Right again.

Yeah. Yeah.

Come on, we can check on him later.

Yeah, and in the meantime... In the meantime, we're going to go to dinner

movie. Oh, yeah?

Well, I hope it's a comedy and I hope I have good food.

Yes, it's a very funny restaurant across town, the Dubrovnik Goulash House.

Grease, David, grease.

Good grease, Mary, good grease.

Hey, Liz.

Hi. Hey, you scored a little something for your party, huh? Oh, great.

Oh, I haven't missed any excitement. Not at all. Not at all. Hi, Vicki. How are

you? Great.

Right in there is great. Come on in.

Hey,

I think we found the place.

Don't lie, man. You just got to start taking me serious when I tell you about

open party.

Hi. Hey, make yourselves at home. I'm Marvin from Patagonia. Oh, yeah. Sure.

Thanks a lot, man.

And I'm Paulie, and this here's Carlton. And where were the chances?

Yeah, I don't think we ever met anyone from the Patagonians before.

How many members you got in your club, dude?

Try this. Tastes just like cherries.

Come on, let's dance.

It's so sweet to throw this party for me, Tommy.

It was nothing. I just wanted to be sure you had a good time on our first date.

Oh, I am.

You know, I never told you this, Tommy, but I think you're very much working

with me. Oh, really?

It's hard to believe you're only 17.

Yeah, well, I've been around a lot.

Smoke? Oh, I never smoke on dates.

I don't get it. What's the brain in the pan theory?

Metaphysics, darling.

If the man has no way of knowing he's not just a brain in a pan plugged into a

computer by some evil genius, that means you only experience what the computer

tells you to experience.

I don't believe that stuff.

That's because the computer tells you not to believe it.

Personally, I'm into solipsism. I mean, how do I know that I'm not the only

person in the universe and everything else, you people included, aren't just,

uh... Figments of my imagination.

That's very interesting.

Nance, I don't know anyone out there.

Don't worry.

They're probably figments of your imagination.

See, I kind of identify with Siddhartha.

Siddhartha? Who is he?

No, it's Siddhartha.

You see, he was on a journey looking for enlightenment just like me.

Yeah, I'm trying to find the flower children.

The flower children?

I don't believe it.

Wake up, buddy. You're in a time warp.

What's a time warp?

Boy, I have a lot to learn.

Hi. Hi.

Hi, I'm Marvin from Patagonia. Oh, hey, that's cool.

I mean, everybody's got to come from somewhere.

We heard that this was a BYOB party, so we brought our own brownies. Made from

my very own homegrown stash. One bite, and it's happy trails, too.

Oh, where's the kitchen? Because these have got to cool off before we can get

up. It's right over there.

Hey, would you guys happen to know what a time warp is?

Nancy, what do you think of existentialism?

Oh.

Well, I can take it or leave it.

You guys want to dance?

I think I've had enough, really.

Come on.

There's only a little left.

Let's go someplace quiet.

Yeah, sounds like a good idea.

Hold on a second.

I'll be right back.

You stay right there. Get another bottle out in the car.

Hey, you and Linda seem to be getting along.

Yeah, so do you and Frank.

Tommy, you're all these people.

I don't know half of them.

Probably friends of Nancy's or Junie's. Look, what are you even drinking anyway?

Nothing. I think you've had enough.

Tommy, leave me alone. I'm having fun.

Elizabeth, will you start acting your age? Can't you just see that this guy's

trying to set you up?

Oh, you're one to talk, Mr.

17 -year -old.

Right,

Elizabeth, have it your way. But if something happens, you're on your own.

Oh, Tommy.

Wow, some party. Yeah, I never see any of these people before.

Come on, let's go back to the tent.

Don't forget the ice cream. All right.

Come on, Tommy, let's go.

We'll have fun.

Come

on.

Tommy?

Amen.

Absolutely incredible how some people totally tune out to their environment.

I know.

You can't even get a smile out of her.

I bet she's transcended to the next level. I wonder if the trip made her

Guys?

You guys are impossible.

Hey, welcome to ground level, Bradford.

Hey, forget the brownies. Let's party. All right.

We did it. I know.

All right.

Let's go in here.

So what?

It's got all the essential parts, doesn't it?

Oh, no, no. Because, see, if somebody comes upstairs, we're not supposed to

boys up here.

Well, we'll just lock the door, turn off the lights, and no one will know we're

here.

first.

I wouldn't go in there if I were you.

What are you talking about, kid?

Getting a girl drunk is pretty chicken, don't you think?

Or is that what they teach you in the Navy?

Who's this guy anyway?

My little brother.

I think it's Matt.

So what's with you, huh, little brother?

You some sort of chaperone or something?

Yeah, if it makes you happy.

It's making me very unhappy.

No kid is going to tell me what I can and cannot do.

I'm not a kid. I'm 17.

You're only 15 and you know it.

15 years old.

You want to try me?

Try you?

You and what army?

Don't let your size make a fool out of you.

with fighting over.

Hey, Tommy, you're lucky he didn't call you on your bluff.

It was bluffing.

You lied.

You said you were 17.

Yeah, I guess some things are kind of hard to keep a secret, aren't they?

Why don't you go chase after Frank? He's more your speed.

Excuse me.

What happened?

Lucky for us, nothing.

Come on, sis.

It's time to go night -night.

I guess the party's over.

Come on.

All right. Here you go.

Where's Frank?

He had a previous appointment.

Oh.

I don't feel so hot.

It could be a lot worse.

Tommy, it's getting worse.

Hey, Marvin.

Us Jasons and you Patagonians, we ought to get together some club night. I know,

man.

Good night. Good night.

Good night, guys. You know, I used to really get into meditation until I

my mantra. An existentialist doesn't forget. He really chooses not to

That's wonderful.

Good night.

Bye. Bye -bye. See you later. Bye -bye. Great party. Bye -bye. Yeah, we love

you. It's really key, you know. Good night. Good night. Lots of fun. Good

Would you mind telling me what is going on?

Disaster's too numerous to mention.

I'm sorry the party's over. You'll have to leave.

Marvin from Patagonia.

My reputation precedes me.

Well, Nicholas and Irving are asleep outside in the tent.

Fine. No reason to involve them in this.

Hey, look, Dad and Abby won't be home till about six o 'clock tomorrow night,

so... Why don't we just hit the sack and deal with this disaster tomorrow?

Okay.

As the first one up, wake everybody up.

I'll be by early to help.

Mary, I'm really sorry about all of this.

It's all right, Tommy. It doesn't look like there's any permanent damage.

By the way, how was the party?

It had its moments.

I bet.

Yes, everything's fine here.

Yeah?

You're what? You're arriving at 11 .52.

Tonight.

This morning.

Uh, what? No, nothing is wrong, Abby. Everything is fine, really.

No, it's just that I'm excited. I'm glad you're coming home early.

Really.

Okay, have a safe trip.

Bye.

Morning,

Tommy. I was just on my way to the golf course, and I, uh... Well, actually,

your dad asked me to stop by and check up on you guys. Oh, gosh, that was

nice of him.

Well, can I let you in?

Oh, gee, I'd like to let you in, but see, Dad left strict orders not to let

non -family members in.

I'm practically family.

Well, that's just a mere technicality. For all I know, this was some scheme

Dad concocted to make sure we were following orders.

Gotcha. Okay.

You just be sure to tell your dad that I stopped by. He now owes me a case of

heartburn.

Um, you're all packed up. Are you leaving already?

Yeah, I've stayed long enough.

Well, good luck on your journey, and I hope you find the flower children.

If I do, they'll have to be in Patagonia.

I'm going home.

You're going home? Why?

Because I'm in a time warp.

Because the boat sailed without me.

Because I've seen what it's like on the outside, and I can't handle it.

Things are much simpler in Patagonia.

Here. I want you to have this.

Your copy of Siddhartha?

Where I'm going, I won't be needing it.

Bye. Bye.

Excuse me.

I'm Mrs. Moore from up the street. I'm looking for my son.

I'm Marvin from Patagonia.

I'm looking for my soul.

Is my Irving here?

Yeah, I think so.

Nicholas?

Irving. Julius Moore.

Come here this instant.

We've been looking all over for you, son.

Your mother's been sick with worry.

Your father hasn't slept all night.

Well, son, what do you have to say for yourself?

I won't come home unless you change my name.

I'd say when we Bradford's put our mind to it, yeah, we can correct our

mistakes.

Hey, Tommy.

I want to thank you.

Hey, don't worry about it. It's cool.

Joanie!

Joanie! What?

Do you remember the brain in the pan theory? Some things one never forgets.

about the other one?

The body in the bathtub theory.

What? Yeah.

Come on.

You know, that's the most interesting I've ever seen him.

Dad and Abby are here.

Come on, rise and shine, Aristotle.

Get up, come on, get up. Time to go. Hurry, hurry.

We're right on time.

I'm looking to see.

Untouched. I mean, that's strange, isn't it?

Huh.

You know, something is going on in this house that I don't understand.

What do you mean?

Well, for one thing, look.

It's barely ten o 'clock and everybody's in bed.

Maybe they're tired?

There's another thing. Look around.

The house is cleaner now than when we left.

Maybe the kids just wanted to surprise us. Do you want some cream? No, thanks.

There's more.

Do you know I found a blob of onion dip on the dining room chandelier?

I have no explanation for that one. To tell you the truth, I don't want any

answers to these questions. I'm afraid of what I might find out.

I think you're just being suspicious. I mean, we went away, we came back,

everybody's safe and sound. Yeah, maybe you're right. I guess I am being silly.

Well, shall we?

Yeah, but it's just a welcome home gift.

It'd be a crime to have them go to waste. Welcome home.