Original subtitles

Hi, Dad.

Hi, Nicholas.

Dad, can I have a dog like my friend Kenny P. Landers? I'm afraid not. Well,

don't have to tell me now, you know. Why don't you think it over?

Sorry, I just thought it over. The answer is still no, you can't have a

There's enough mouths to feed as is.

Yeah, but I can feed him, you know. And I'll always have someone to talk to and

play with.

Well, what's the matter with your brothers and sisters?

They're always too busy.

Oh.

I know what we could get you for a pet.

A plant.

A what?

A plant.

You would be responsible for the growth of a living thing. You would have to

give it plenty of food and water. See to it that it gets plenty of sunshine.

Okay, Dad.

Doesn't seem very exciting, though.

Oh, it is. It's very exciting. That settles it. A plant for Nicholas.

No more talk about the dog.

Dad, can I give my plant a name?

Absolutely. What name did you have in mind?

Rover.

Thank you.

Oh, boy, are you as tired as you look? Yes, I am. Why does the day before

vacation always have to be so hectic?

Anything I can do?

Yes, you could put me towards the bedroom and push.

All I want is this nice, quiet little bed, and I'm just going to sleep until

next Friday.

Seven days of peace and tranquility.

Why are you shaking your head?

My dear wife.

What? Your innocence is really refreshing. Yeah?

You correlate vacation with relaxation.

Is this not true?

Not true.

I mean, winter vacation, a la Bradford, also known as seven days in February, is

free for all a frenzy. It's a madhouse of mayhem, mirth, and merriment. It's a

week not easily forgotten.

But do not worry, dear wife, because it only lasts for seven days and then you

can go back to work and relax again.

No, but the house sounds quiet now.

Oh, merely a ploy.

The calm before the storm.

Well, thanks for the storm warning.

My pleasure.

Anything else I can do for you?

Mm -hmm.

You could stop being so cheerful.

All right.

I don't like blind dates.

Don't think of her as a blind date. I mean, think of her as a date you haven't

seen yet.

I don't see the difference.

The difference is that this gorgeous girl will not go out with me unless I

a date for her friend.

Hey, Fred.

And we haven't been friends too long, so I want to tell you a little story. No,

I don't want to hear any stories. All I want to hear is you saying, yes, buddy,

I'll do it.

As I was saying, I'd like to tell you a little story about my last blind date.

I don't remember her name, but for the purposes of this story, let's call her

Moose.

Moose was a lot taller than I was.

Moose was probably a lot stronger than I was.

And Moose was certainly a lot uglier than I was. Yes, but what about her

personality?

As refined as a cabbage.

Look, we'll go to a nice, out -of -the -way, quiet place.

You won't have to look at her. You won't have to talk to her.

Just show up.

Please.

I hate to see a grown man beg.

Then you'll do it?

No, I just hate to see a grown man beg.

What's going on?

Sad night, can't tell. Yeah, there's a new disco in Old Town, Dad, and we got

the buggy fever. Yeah. What does that mean?

I have no idea, Nicholas. Listen, girls, do me a favor, will you?

Don't break your curfew. I'd hate to ground you on the first night of your

vacation. Glad you brought that up, Dad.

Did I bring something up?

Yeah, three different curfews make going out together very difficult. Yeah.

Especially since mine is the earliest.

Oh, what did you have in mind?

A new curfew. How about a sensible hour? Just for tonight.

You know, you expect me to give you carte blanche to come home whenever you

want? I mean, if you had said to me, Dad, could you extend the curfew for one

hour? She'll take it. I'll take it. Thanks, Dad.

See, I told you off the top of my head.

Boogie!

Oh, my gosh, I've never seen such a collection of losers in my life.

I think it's time for old Joanie to lunch.

He fell like an owl.

Oh, it's the stairs.

Oh, Joanie, on a scale from one to ten, I think I'd give him my scorecard.

I think it's kind of interesting.

What do you say we get, uh... You say you get nice.

What are you doing?

Listen, Susan, believe me, whatever you do, you gotta push them away or they'll

never stop bugging you. Oh, tricky, tricky.

See anybody here you like?

Him.

Smile. Hi.

Hi. Would you like to dance?

Sure.

Would you like to dance?

Of course you would.

Okay, now, where did you get these seeds?

Kenny P. Leonard gave them to me. Oh, all right. Now, watch what I do. First

all, it's very important that we moisten the soil. See that? See?

Now, after we do that...

have to give it a little fertilizer.

What's fertilizer?

It helps make the plant grow.

Where does it come from?

It comes, well, there's cows and there's horses and like people they

eat and it's very nice.

Oh, I get it. It's another one of those things I have to find out for myself.

Why am I here?

I'm here because the human condition is here.

Here is where lonely people come to be lonely together.

Here is where people come and act artificial in order to forget how

they really are.

Are you miserable?

I'm sure.

And so are you.

Believe me, I can see it in your eyes.

No, I'm not miserable. It's smoking.

You see, the smoke makes you miserable.

And what about the people who do the smoking? Why do you think they do that

themselves?

Because it makes them forget how hopeless everything is.

That's what I hope to bring out in my play.

I'm here doing research.

You are writing a play?

What is it about?

Destruction and despair amidst the atmosphere of a singer's bar.

Why's he stop?

You know, usually a guy like me comes to a place like this and...

Glad I met you, Susan.

Oh, oh no.

I, uh, was supposed to call a business associate earlier and it completely

slipped my mind.

Uh, do you mind?

Uh, you don't disappear on me now, okay? I won't, I won't.

I'll be right back. Okay.

So tell me, Howard, how long have you been a doctor?

Uh, not long enough. That's why I'm...

Still an intern.

Well, where did you study medicine?

Harvard.

You know, most people, they like to think that I'm bragging. Why?

If that's where you went to school, that's where you went to school, right?

Where did you attend school?

Sacramento High School. And nobody ever thinks I'm bragging.

Hey, can I buy you a drink?

Only if you will allow me to buy you one.

What are you drinking?

Ginger ale.

Well, I'm driving.

Come in.

Hi. Well,

I'm doomed.

Oh, as long as there's nothing important, I'll go back to study, okay?

No, really, Mary, this is serious.

Big Mouth Bradford's done it again.

Okay, go.

All right.

You remember I told you about Linda Imes, that transfer student from Peoria?

I've been dying to go out with her, so I've been holding my breath and waiting

for the right moment.

So finally the right moment came. So we were sitting there talking at lunch, and

she said that she liked Fleetwood Mac and that she wanted to go to the concert

next week.

So I said, hey, great, no problem. I just happen to have two tickets.

Lucky you. That concert I heard was sold out weeks ago.

Yeah, so did I.

I got to the box office today.

Oh.

Well, you'll just have to tell her the truth, huh?

Mary, that's not the type of advice I'm looking for.

Well, I'm sorry.

Look, she's bound to understand, really.

Wait a second.

You got an idea?

I have an idea.

KRLJ is giving away free tickets to the concert.

Every few hours, you know, the first person to call in and identify the song

wins two free tickets.

Yeah, but Mary, half of Sacramento's got to be trying to call.

Yes, Tommy, but half of Sacramento does not have a date with Linda Imes.

Go away.

It's okay with me. Fine.

Weird.

Who was that girl?

Oh, that was my sister, Joni.

Tell me, Howard, what type of medicine will you be practicing?

Oh, I won't be practicing medicine.

I hope to go into research.

As a matter of fact, I'm waiting to hear from Stanford now.

I've applied for a grant in genetic research.

Hi, Nancy. I'd like you to meet Michael Slade, a stockbroker. Don't tell me.

Let me guess.

Another sister.

Susan, this is Howard.

Howard's a doctor.

Oh, a doctor. Hey, Doc. Hey, Doc. It really hurts when I do that.

Your line is, then don't do that.

I know.

Um, I'll catch you at home.

Bye, Doc.

I can't take her anywhere.

I mentioned he's a playwright?

Three times.

You sound like you aren't interested, Susan. I'm not, Joanie. The only thing

interested in right now is a certain stockbroker who's got blonde hair, blue

eyes, and a definite box.

Hiya.

You busted curfew, and where's your coat?

See, I didn't bring it because I didn't want to cover up the dress, you know.

Oh, oh, Vanity, thy name is a little bit... Sounds like she's got herself a

cold. Oh, and on the first day of vacation, too.

Oh, a baby.

It's about time.

Okay, let's hear it. Was he nice?

Very.

Well, did you have a good time?

Terrific.

If he's so wonderful, Nancy, why the long face?

Because it can never be.

She sounds just like Josh.

One night down, six to go.

You guys just don't understand.

Nancy, we can't help you unless we know what the problem is.

Okay. You'd find out eventually anyway.

His name is Dr.

Stein.

And he's an intern at the Star of David Hospital.

So?

So, what does that mean?

So he doesn't make house calls.

Now it's Jewish.

Wait a second. I think I missed the problem.

Mary, Howard's the type of guy I could really fall for.

I mean, really fall for.

Sweet.

He's nice looking.

Oh, he cares so much about people.

He's got the kind of future I could really be a part of. If only he

only what, Nancy?

So Howard's Jewish. Would it be any different if he wasn't?

Nancy, you're not thinking of not seeing Howard because... Joanie.

We come from two different worlds. They're bound to conflict sooner or

You know that. Nancy, that is garbage.

I mean, the only conflict right now is the one between your heart and your

Look, I know that it's hard for you right now, but Nancy, before you do

that you're going to regret, like running off and joining a kibbutz or

a hemlock or changing boyfriends, why don't you stop and think about it, okay?

Mary, I have.

Coming.

Hi. The answer's still no.

You see this? This is my hand over my heart. Now I give you my solemn word,

not going to stop bothering you till you give in.

And I give you my solemn word that I won't give in. All right, listen.

Can you be bought?

Freddie, let me tell you a story. No, no, no. I've heard all about movies.

No, I want to tell you about Harpo.

Harpo? When I first met Harpo, I said hello, and Harpo was stuck for an

Didn't have much to say, huh?

Not as much as my next blind date, Mindy the Mouth.

Mindy was 5 '2", and her mouth was 4 '8", and she never stopped using it. How

many of these girls have you gone out with? About a dozen. All right, well,

13's got to be right. I mean, percentages, right?

Wrong, Fred. Bye -bye.

All right.

Break my heart. See if I care.

telling you the truth i really am sick have i ever lied to you besides that

besides that time too okay so i've lied to you before but this time i really

mean it wait a minute listen

did you hear that okay now do

people who aren't sick do that kind of thing i need the phone

Hey, it's Bobby. He doesn't believe I'm sick. You tell him. She's sick. She's

sick. That was really convincing.

I'm doomed.

Oh, hi. I'm Michael Slade. I'm here for Susan. We have a date tonight.

Oh, yes, of course. Come right in. Thank you.

Susan! I read your comments all the time, Mr. Bradford.

I enjoy most of them, especially the ones about the fiscal policy.

Oh, really?

Thanks. Well, what do you do?

I'm a stockbroker at the Layton Company.

Oh, a stockbroker. Anytime I can be of service. Oh, no, that's nice of you.

Thank you. It's just that by the time I get through paying all the bills around

here, there's no money left to invest, believe me.

Good evening, Michael. Good evening, Susan.

Father.

Hello, daughter.

Michael, I do hope we're not late for the symphony.

For the what?

Why, for the symphony, Father. You know Brahms has always been my favorite.

Oh, that's right. I forgot. It slipped my mind.

Nice to have met you, Mr. Bradford.

Shall we?

Did you see that? Who is that girl?

It was your daughter, Susan.

Oh, no, no, that's not Susan. I know Susan.

That's an imposter.

Jody around?

Oh, uh, yes.

Won't you come in?

I hear that you're a playwright.

Did you ever write anything that I may have seen?

Hi,

Josh.

Dad, Abby.

Bye, Joe.

Bye, Josh.

Great talking to you.

What was that? Did you see that guy?

This house is going off the deep end.

Oh, there's the doorbell. Yes, another surprise.

Would you like me to get it? No, no, no, let me get it. It's becoming fun. Okay,

then.

Hello, I'm Dr. Stein.

Oh, yes, of course.

Come in.

It's busy again. I'm doomed.

Don't mind him. That's my son. He's lost his mind. Please step in.

You are Mr. Bradford and Mrs. Bradford? Yes, we are.

You'll have to excuse me.

Everything's been crazy around here today.

Nancy!

So you're a doctor.

You know, it hurts me when I go like this.

We have this friend, Dr. Maxwell, and he always laughs when I do that. That's

his favorite joke. He thinks it's so funny.

Hi, Howard. Hi, Nance.

Have you met everyone?

Sure did.

Well, we'll be seeing you real soon, Mrs.

Bradford, Mr. Bradford. Bye.

He seemed very nice.

Yes, well, at least he could talk.

Well, Elizabeth is sick and Mary's studying, so congratulations.

Oh, for what?

You've run out of daughters.

Oh, that's right.

Well, at last we'll have some peace and quiet.

Nicholas, what do you think? Look, look, Rover is actually sprouting. Your old

man has a green thumb after all.

Good work, Tom.

Thanks. I knew you'd appreciate it. What? Tom?

What is the Tom business, anyway?

Kenny P. Lathers calls his dad by his first name.

There's that name again. Who is this kid, anyway?

You know, my friend with the dog.

Oh, Nicholas, I thought we agreed that we wouldn't talk about that dog anymore.

We'd just concentrate on Rover.

Yeah, but a plant can't do nothing. A dog can roll over, do tricks, and you

take it for a walk. A plant just... No, no, Nicholas. A lot of people think that

they can actually talk to their plants.

You mean they can understand what I'm saying?

That's what a lot of people think.

Robert, can you understand what I'm saying?

Well, what did he say?

He said he wants a dog.

finite death in the center of harmony. We equivocate to regain

equilibrium. Oh, there is dreadful silence in the groin of harmony.

We do not communicate. We equivocate. We die!

Equivocating!

It's really powerful.

The whole theme of...

Equivocation.

And death.

A lot of girls would laugh at me bringing them here.

I'm not laughing.

You know, Joanie, if I would ever let myself be happy, which I wouldn't, but

I would, I could really be happy with a girl like you.

Josh, would you let me read your play?

I mean, I know you'd rather not, but it's really important to me.

You're important to me.

And I have a feeling that your play is you.

It's called Never Together Forever.

It's about a man's inability to love.

Did you like the Brahms?

No.

I'm bored.

Yeah, that makes two of us. It's my business for me to be seen here. You

make some good contacts.

Michael! Michael, my boy, good to see you. Ryan's oil money.

Hello, Michael.

You remember my wife?

Well, it's a marvelous evening, isn't it?

Well, Michael, who's your little friend?

Oh, why, this is... Susan Bradford. Of the publishing Bradfords. Oh, really?

And which publications are those, my dear?

Oh, you've heard of the Sacramento Register, of course.

Of course, of course.

A lot of doctors are content to spend the rest of their lives fixing noses and

catering to rich hypochondriacs.

But not you.

You're going to change the world, right?

Maybe.

But right now my world seems pretty wonderful.

Howard, may I ask you a question?

Sure.

Are you a religious man?

What brought this on?

Come on. You know. No, I don't.

Please, Howard. I mean, this is important to me.

Well, I suppose that deep down inside, I believe in God and miracles.

It was something that I was brought up on. It's not something that is easily

dismissed.

Why all the questions?

How's your pastrami?

Clean. Good. I'll have that in rye with a caniche and a cream soda.

I'll have the corned beef on white with mayo.

Why don't you change the white to rye and the mayo to mustard?

Want something to drink?

Milk? Wrong again, honey.

Take that two cream sodas.

I'm afraid I'm not very good at this.

You'll learn.

You'll learn.

I hope so.

It's hard enough handling one daughter in love, but handling three at one time,

I tell you, that is murder.

Hey, what's this?

What? Look at this.

Oh, my gosh. You know what that is? It's a parachute.

A parachute?

Hey, since when did members of the press corps have parachutes? Oh, well, you

know, in case we had to drop a preposition.

No,

actually, this belonged to Staff Sergeant David Plaut. In those days in

Army, they used to use pure silk to make parachutes, and Plaut told me he was

going to use the material for his daughter's wedding dress. So I said,

Plaut, I got a great idea.

I'll trade you one of the Army's typewriters, and you give me one of the

parachutes. So we did it. What did the Army get?

Two years out of our lives.

You know, it's a funny thing, though, isn't it?

I mean, that we should find this after all these years.

I wonder if that could be an omen.

I have an announcement to make.

Well, announce.

Dad, Abby, I'm in love.

Nancy, who's the lucky guy?

Howard. That's great.

The omen.

And I'm hoping to become engaged to him.

Nancy. Wait, there's more.

More?

I was thinking in order to form a more harmonious relationship, I'm planning to

convert to Judaism.

Oh, excuse me. Could you tell me where I could find the rabbi, please?

I'm Rabbi Wise.

You're the rabbi?

There are old rabbis and there are young rabbis.

What can I do for you?

Well, why don't we start with your name?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Nancy. Nancy Bradford.

Would you like to talk about something, Nancy?

I want to convert.

Well, why don't we sit down a minute?

Okay.

So, Nancy, tell me, why would you like to adopt our religion?

Well, I think it's a very interesting religion.

Well, did you study it in school?

No.

But I saw Fiddler on the Roof.

Good movie, Fiddler on the Roof.

Why don't you tell me what the real reason is?

Well, I met this Jewish boy.

Rabbi.

Rabbi, is that the wrong reason?

The wrong reason?

I've heard some reasons that are better than others.

But I don't think there is a wrong reason if you're sincere and your

open.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to give you a book of Jewish laws

and traditions.

And I'd like to suggest that you take another look at the Old Testament.

Do some studying and some thinking.

And come on back and we'll talk some more.

Okay?

Okay.

Thank you.

Look, why are you doing this to me?

Well, it is a big deal.

Hey, look, Fred, my dad's waiting outside. I've got to go, all right?

What do you mean he's not?

Look where.

Will you get out of that phone booth? I don't like having my apartment under

surveillance.

All right.

All right.

Yes, Fred.

Yes, you win.

Yes, I crack.

Call off the bloodhounds. Thank you.

I'll go. I'll go.

Yes. You're welcome, friend.

What's this, ravioli soup?

No, it's matzo ball soup, and it's a Jewish delicacy.

My matzo balls.

They didn't get too cold.

You think so, huh? Yeah, I do.

Is this whole dinner going to be Jewish delicacies?

Uh -huh.

We're going to have chopped liver, Bubba's gefilte fish, pickled herring,

lean corned beef on rye.

And do me a favor, Elizabeth.

Don't ask for mayonnaise.

Aren't Jody and Susan's boyfriends coming, too?

So? Well, don't you think they're going to feel like they're in the wrong house

or maybe the Twilight Zone?

Why? People who eat in Italian restaurants aren't always Italian.

Well, don't take this personally, but I think I'm going to skip dinner.

Bad cold.

Yeah, that liver must have come from the biggest chicken ever.

What are you talking about?

Well, even I know that chopped liver is made with chicken liver.

stuff, Nancy.

Thanks, Joanie. Yeah, great stuff, Nancy.

It's real exotic.

Must have spent hours on it. No, no, no. Just a little something I threw

together.

I'm telling you, Howard, you can't start too early. Now, we got a lot of doctors

that can bet with us.

You come and see me.

I'll have you on the golf course three afternoons out of the week. I don't play

golf. Why don't you stop hassling the doctor? Can't you see he's not into

Are you talking to me?

Are there any other stock pushers in the room?

Boy, this is the best kefir fish I've ever had.

Me too.

Can I have some ketchup?

You know, there are doctors that don't play golf.

Name three. Well, there are people who are more concerned with human suffering

than with making a buck. Listen, I got nothing against human suffering, but

what's wrong with making a buck, huh?

Uh, Nancy, the table looks lovely.

Excuse me, Abby.

Listen, what if I were to tell you that in a few short weeks a product is going

to hit the market which is going to go right through the roof?

And this baby is a sure thing.

Nothing is sure, J .P. We're not even sure the sun's going to rise tomorrow.

Oh, yeah, I'll take that action.

Listen, they're coming out with a brand new product.

Gourmet dog food.

Oh, come on.

Come on, now, who's going to invest money in something like that?

Pickled herring? Oh, no, please, that stuff is terrible. It's going to open at

three, and it's going to go right to 25 in no time at all. Who cares?

Josh, you haven't even touched your fish.

Come on, Joanie, you know how I feel about eating dead things.

I can get you in on the ground floor.

You know what I think? I think it's a crime that medical research is begging

dollars and you're pushing dog food. That's what I think.

Money, money, money. Have you ever really looked at it closely?

Felt it?

Smelled it?

It stinks!

Of human sweat.

Anxiety, ulcers, and heart attacks.

Uh, well, would anyone like some more wine?

No, no, no. With this rich food, it would be awful for the liver.

Let me tell you a new story.

Now, my father's business partner is a millionaire several times over.

About a month ago, he was driving through a toll booth.

He tossed his quarter at the machine, the quarter mist machine.

So he opens the door and bends down to try to pick it up.

Only he forgot one thing.

His seatbelt was on, and it was on tight. And you know what he got for that

lousy quarter?

Double hernia. Now, that's interesting.

Was it an inguinal hernia?

Well, a hernia's a hernia, but you get my point.

Frankly, no.

It's all over lousy money. It is enough to make you want to throw up.

An inguinal hernia is distinctly different from a hiatal hernia. A hiatal

is aggravated by bad eating habits. You guys with your hernias and your

capitalism, I tell you, it makes me sick. Sick, you're depressing.

I am depressing, that's right.

Depression is truth. Depression is the chemistry between neurosis that

responds to vomit.

Hi, Josh.

I read your play.

Wow.

I mean, I really got into it, you know.

It's just that I... It's just that what?

It's just that I think maybe in the beginning that the audience will have a

time having sympathy with you. So what? Who cares about the audience?

I mean, either they like it or they don't, right?

Come on, don't get defensive. I'm just trying to give you some constructive

criticism, that's all. Oh, great.

Now you're giving me euphemisms from grade school.

Shallow, Joanie, really shallow.

Oh, boy.

Shallow.

I suppose the giant rats possessed by the devil in Act 3 is deep. All right,

knock it off.

I don't have to stand here and take criticism from an actress.

Are you really going to have to explain that one?

No problem. I mean, you act, you interpret, right?

I create. Do you see the difference there?

A creator takes a blank page and winds up with art.

What do you think acting is, huh? Chopped liver?

Acting is showing up for rehearsals on time. Acting is doing what the director

tells you to do.

If you have so little respect for what I do, how come you're wasting so much

time with me?

Honestly?

Yeah. Take a look at yourself in the mirror.

You're sexually appealing.

Truth hurts.

You just can't be honest with people.

So, where are the girls? Will you relax? I'm not relaxed. I'm relaxed. You're

the one who should be nervous. I'm holding you personally responsible for

This is on me, all right?

Huh? For general admission, please.

You are acting crazy.

I mean, this girl is a prize.

Come on.

Just relax.

Hey, there they are. Huh?

Yours is the one on the left.

Did you say on the left? On the left, yes.

Mine is on the right.

Uh, this is David.

And this is Merritt.

Hi.

Hi.

Look at this. They can't take their eyes off each other.

And who says blind dates don't work out, huh?

You can thank me later.

Haven't we met somewhere before?

You do look awfully familiar.

You too.

Perhaps it was Portofino, 1957.

No, no, no, I think Acapulco, 1962.

Michael.

Michael, I have something on my mind. Please, you can wait till the

What are you doing?

I'm turning off the TV set.

Michael, I feel that our joint outlook is a little too limited and I would like

to expand our horizons.

In other words, I would like to spend an entire evening just talking.

You're stuck, aren't you?

It's Saturday, and the stock exchange was closed today.

Yeah, well, you're making me a little self -conscious, you know what I mean?

Like, right out of the blue, you say to a guy, you want to, uh, talk.

You took me off guard.

Off guard?

Uh -huh.

You're stuck.

You know, that's too bad, Michael.

Because you're the nicest, most intelligent, mature man I've ever met.

So what's wrong?

You're also the most boring.

I think you know your way out.

See you around.

Oh, Doc, hi. Hi, is Nancy home?

Uh, yeah. Come on in.

I think she's upstairs in her room keeping holy the Sabbath.

I'll go get her.

Hey, Nancy!

You think I'm boring?

Would you like my professional opinion?

Yes.

Finance. I heard from Stanford.

They approved my grant. I start next week.

All right, Howard. That's wonderful.

Oh, I'm so happy for you.

San Francisco's pretty nice in the springtime. It's wonderful. Fantastic.

You're going to have to come up and visit sometime.

Visit you?

Well, sure. You're not going to write me off just because I'm a few hours away,

are you?

Write you off?

Howard,

I thought I was going to go with you.

Didn't you say that our happiness was in our future together?

Nancy, my immediate future is for me.

Alone.

You know, the workload, the tension.

I can't expect someone else to carry that burden with me.

And I don't get a choice?

Maybe you just don't want me hanging around you, Howard.

Now, you know that's not true.

No, I don't know that's not true.

Have you ever once taken the time to find out what's important to me?

You know, you didn't even thank me for the other night.

What other night?

The chopped liver, the Jewish bread, the kosher wine.

You know, all this time, Howard, I was preparing to convert to Judaism for you.

Well, for us. And you didn't even have the decency to... Hold it.

Wait a minute, Nancy.

I never said I was Jewish.

Oh, I'm not a complete idiot, Howard. I mean, I can figure some things out for

myself. Your name is Stein, isn't it? Yes, but it's German.

I'm not Jewish.

Oh, boy.

I am a complete idiot.

No, you're not.

Look, this has happened to me before.

But if you had any doubts about me, any questions, you should have come to me

and asked me.

I would have told you.

But with...

Religion aside, I still think that it's the wrong time in my life for you and

me.

Maybe later.

I'd like that.

Maybe.

That is, if the invitation's still open.

It certainly is.

Why are you staring at Rover?

Oh, read this.

What?

Cannabis sativa?

Nicholas has been growing marijuana.

Where?

From the ever -loving Kenny P. Landers.

I tell you, that kid and his family have been nothing but trouble.

So what are you going to do?

I don't know.

Such a cute little thing.

Oh, really, look at the cute little leaves.

Stop laughing. You're laughing and I have to put Rover to sleep.

I'm sorry.

Don't look at me that way.

I'm sorry it didn't work out, Nancy.

Yeah, so am I.

Thank you for the books.

Rabbi?

I'm really not sure I want to turn my back on everything.

What I mean is, Howard's leaving.

It hasn't really changed everything.

You mean you still want to convert?

Well, this past weekend I read more of the Bible.

And I really felt something.

It was a good feeling.

Sort of like a sense of purpose.

I don't know. This is really hard for me to explain. Well, this is a strange

turn of events.

Nancy, let me ask you this.

Have you always believed in God?

Not assumed there was a God. I'm not saying that.

but really believed in him and his love.

Well, I never really thought about it until recently.

You know what I think?

I think maybe you've discovered God.

By accident, perhaps.

But I prefer to think it was by design.

Call it God's will.

I don't understand.

It's the Lord you've discovered, Nancy.

Not Judaism.

We may have helped out a little bit.

And we've got a saying around here.

He who enters with a closed soul may leave with an open heart.

Thank you.

Mazel tov.

Excuse me?

Good luck.

Boy, am I glad this vacation's almost over.

We'll be fanged out when you're sitting in class.

I say we take a vow never to fall in love again. Yeah, until spring vacation.

Seven days in May.

Hey, you guys, quiet. I finally got through.

Hello? Yeah, the name of the tune is I Crashed My Heart on the Highway of Your

Love. It is?

I did?

Hey, everybody, I won!

Hey, Tommy!

I won, I got through. Yeah, this is Tommy Bradford. When can I... What?

Yeah.

Congratulations.

Yeah, for what?

For winning.

Hey, why the long face?

They ran out of tickets to the concert about an hour ago. I won two KRLJ t

-shirts.

I hope they have Linda Irons' size.

Well, Rover, it's time to say goodbye now.

I don't understand why.

When Dad was trying to explain, he started a lot of sentences but didn't

them. Mary says you're, uh, um... Victim of society?

Yeah, I don't know what that means, but I hope it makes you feel better.

Dad. What? What is it? You know how I despise violence of any kind.

Yes, so what?

I'd be more than willing to adopt Rover.

Cute. Very cute.

Maybe you could try it with your eyes closed.

Hmm? Your eyes closed.

Ah, take it away. I can't stand unpleasantries.

It's okay, Dad. You did what you had to do.

There's some good plants, and there's some bad plants, and there's some

plants.

Thanks, Nicholas.

Dad,

can I have a dog now?

Hi,

Dad.