Original subtitles

Thank you for being a friend.

Travel down the road and back again.

Your heart is true.

You're a pal and a confidant.

Thank you for being a friend. Thank you for being a friend.

Finally finished that jigsaw puzzle.

Big deal. It took you six months.

On the box, it said two to four years.

The Carlton Hotel called. They have a problem. They're overbooked tomorrow.

want to know if we could handle a bachelor party.

Yeah, we can do that. We just need to order some more beer.

Yeah, we can borrow some dirty videos from Blanche.

Be kind. Please rewind.

And they want us to hire a stripper and have her pop out of the cake.

I'll be in charge of that.

You can handle that?

Hey, no problem, man. I just need a table, some whipped cream, some

and some sparklers.

Sparklers? For the cake? No, the auditions.

I can be keeping Stan's attorney.

And I still can't imagine why he wants to come over here to talk to us.

Well, if I know that cheap ex -son -in -law of mine, there's only one thing he

could want. What?

His toupee bag.

If the man wants to take me on a fishing trip, I keep what I catch.

Why would he send a lawyer?

I owe him a little money. You owe Stan money for what?

Neck job.

You had your neck done?

Yeah, I got tired of people saying, my, what an unusual scarf.

Now, look, when Stan's attorney gets here, I'll do the talking. Well, why

you do the talking?

I'm not stupid. I know how to talk to a lawyer.

Hi, I'm Herb Jenkins, Stan's attorney.

Oh, yes, my liege.

I'm representing Mr.

Zbornak in absentia.

Absentia? What's Stan doing in Europe?

Ah, you must be Rose.

I've been given specific written directions to find a Blanche Devereaux.

Gina, I haven't heard that since the Shriners had that scavenger hunt.

Well, actually, the reason I'm here is the last time I saw Stan, he gave me

instructions to make sure that... Now, whatever the reason, he better have one

damn good excuse for not coming here in person.

Stan is dead.

I just

can't believe... Steve Stan is dead.

Of a young man like that in the prime of his life. Yeah.

Have you ever noticed how as we get older, the prime keeps moving back?

I know.

My father was just 85 when he died. A baby.

So how are we going to tell Sophia?

We'll break it to her gently tonight just before we put her to bed.

Guess who I just ran into.

Not Stan. He's dead.

Time for bed, Sophia.

What did she say?

Sophia, Stan is dead.

Oh.

Are you okay, honey?

I don't know what to say.

Well, what can you say about a man who's always been a burden and now is

finally...

Man who never lived up to his responsibilities, who ran out on your

who never thought of anybody but himself.

I'd say I'll miss him.

Me too.

I guess as much as the two of us are gonna miss him, you'll miss him even

Sophia. Boy, he was part of my family for over 40 years.

So, how did it happen?

Well, apparently he died while making love.

Oh, poor Stan.

There's nothing worse than dying alone.

At least we know he

went quickly.

Okay, thank you very much. I'll see you then.

The stripper is all set.

And I got a great deal. How much? 100 % off.

Stripper? No, no, no. I've had second thoughts about that.

Yeah, I can't stop thinking about her either.

Look, I am hardly a prude, but if a man loves a woman, why would he want to

spend the night before he gets married looking at someone else?

Last gasp before the freeway?

I think it's wrong.

Oh, come on, Rose. Everybody needs a little fantasy now and then to help them

get through the day.

When I attract a man, it's because of my brains.

Now, you see there?

They're picking us up for the funeral in 20 minutes.

Now, wasn't that something of Stanley, ordering a limousine for us? I mean, and

hadn't it put in the will and all?

Well, he must have really loved us.

Yeah.

Gee, I'd love to know what else was in that will.

I mean, he must be worth... Oh, a million, million and a half, easy.

And he didn't have a friend in the world.

you anything i was his favorite well he was in love with me for years oh he was

not oh he most certainly was all men are but bald men especially

bald men have always found me very

attractive well i can't tell you how many times i've looked down and thought

had three boobs

All right, you two, that's enough.

We're talking about a man who died here.

Sophia's right.

I don't care about Stan's will.

I just wish he was still here to talk to.

Yeah, me too.

Um, well... We'd better be on our way. Yeah.

You coming, Sophia?

Give me a minute.

All right, we'll be waiting for you, hon.

Okay, Lord, this is the deal.

Please let Stanley into heaven. Yeah, I know, I know it'll ruin it for everyone

else.

But the truth is, he deserves it. He's always done his best.

Hi, it's me, Stan.

Not now yet, I'm praying.

Sophia, it's really me.

You're not haunting me, are you?

No. Are you sure? Because you smell like you're decomposing.

I was hiding in the trash bin. No, I really am alive.

Oh, Stan.

How do you like the deck?

Look at that.

What a great summer look for you.

Oh, Sophie, I'm so happy you're taking this well because I thought you might be

angry at me for being alive.

I'm thrilled. My Stanley's alive. Why should I be angry?

Because I faked my death. I'm in trouble with the IRS.

You faked your death? Do you know what I've been going through? Look, I had to

do this. The IRS court winded some creative bookkeeping I was doing. I

have gone to prison.

I couldn't let that happen. Can you imagine me confined to some filthy,

room spending my life with a hundred other men?

So what are you going to do now?

I hired on as a steward on a tramp steamer.

Stan, how could you do this to your kids?

I called Kate and Michael and I told them they know what's going on. I'm not

heartless, Sophia.

What about Dorothy? Have you told Dorothy?

Sophia, she was my wife for 38 years. Do you actually think that I could keep

silent while she mourned my passing?

She would have turned you in. In a heartbeat.

Of course I didn't tell her.

In another month when things settle down, I want you to tell her. But I

leave the country without telling you the truth.

They mean a lot to me, Sophia.

You always have.

You're not going to get away with this. They're going to catch you. No, they

won't. I have planned everything down to the last detail.

Where can I get in touch with you?

I wish I could tell you, but the less you know, the better.

Well, I'm off to Madrid.

Or Rome, or Paris, or Cairo, but probably not Madrid.

Not now.

Let's go over this checklist again, make sure we get everything ready for the

bachelor party.

Okay.

Food check, beer check, cigars check, entertainment.

I know, no check, just cash.

Okay, Bambi, Chris and his friend should be here any minute, so why don't you go

ahead and go in the kitchen and, you know, get ready.

Okay. Okay.

I love this job.

Can I help you ladies?

Hope, so sweet cheeks. We're here for my friend Chris's bachelorette party.

You're Chris.

Bachelorette party.

Yeah, I arranged it on the phone with someone named Rose. Is there a problem?

Yes, but we think it's neurological.

Why don't you ladies go ahead and get comfortable, and we're going to go get

Parcheesi board and get the punch out of the fridge.

Tell you what, this is her last night as a free woman, so why don't you just pop

open the Jim Beam, crank up the Rolling Stones, and drop your pants, butter

buns.

We paid for a stripper, and we want to see someone shake their booty.

We're just going to be over there.

animals chewy they're just some girls not having some fun

i'm

so very scared i'm not going out there i'm not going out there look somebody's

got to get in the cake odds come on come on two out of three man get

in the cake butter buns

Would you look at the size of this crowd that showed up for Stan's funeral?

Hey, give the people what they want. They always show up.

Sophia, it's not nice to speak ill of the dead. Believe me, I'm not.

Hello. So nice to see you.

Well, Rose, what do you know about that? A bald man was glad to see me.

Well, I want to thank you all for coming.

Stanley Zbornak.

meant a great deal to all of us.

But before I bring a few of his friends up here to honor him, I'd like to show

you a few minutes of a videotape that Stan himself made just weeks before his

tragic and unexpected death.

Lights!

Hi, it's me, Ghost Stan.

It's regular Stan.

And this is just a little something I put together to show at my own funeral

someday. I want to thank you all for turning out to bid me farewell today.

to honor you, I've written a special poem called What My Friends Mean to Me.

My friends sure mean a lot to me.

Yes, a lot they mean indeed.

Live from Miami.

It's the International McKinney Fest, where we'll show you more, or should I

less, of the latest Blythe's Blythe's. He taped over it. He taped over his own

funeral message.

Well, I guess I should screen these before I... Well, we certainly

got the gist.

And now I... like to invite some of Stan's closest friends up here to say a

words about him.

Attractive, intelligent, sexy.

These are just a few of the words Stan used to describe me.

But Stan was a very important part of my life, as he was to all our lives.

I first met Stan when he was a novelty salesman.

And, well, I guess God needed a whoopee cushion laugh, so he decided to

squeeze the air out of Stan.

Wake up, Fluffer, wake up!

But she never did.

Now, I know a half hour is a long time to spend talking about a dead cat.

Oh, but she was really so... Get to it!

So, speaking of dead cats, how about this Stanley?

What a loss.

He was a special man, this Stanley.

This marvelous thing called Stanley.

of reading to you his epitaph, the epitaph of a great American.

Here lies Stan Zabornak, beloved son, model citizen, caring

father, faithful husband. All right, that's it.

I can't listen to any more of this. Oh, Mrs. Petrillo, I know you're in pain.

But, of course, it is through pain that healing comes.

He's right, Sophia, honey. You're suffering right now. But I'm not

I'm telling you, Stan is not dead.

Oh, of course he's not dead, honey, in our hearts. Yes, so as it is written,

he's... shall live on as love in all of our hearts. He wasn't alive in my heart.

He was alive in my kitchen. He spoke to me in my kitchen.

As he shall speak to me in the dell and in the village where the poor and the

rich alike... Look, the man smelled from garbage. He said he was going to

Madrid.

Uh... Uh, yea, though the elderly may

become feeble and their minds might turn to cussing... Let go of me.

He's not dead. He's not alive.

Music.

Music.

Oh,

here comes his big finish.

Ah, paper cut.

Really got a hand up to roll, and he's handling this thing with a lot of

dignity.

Hey, all right, the show's over.

Topaz.

Yeah, man, they gave me a stage name. I feel so cheap.

Come on, man, I thought you did great.

Those women really got their money's worth.

You saved the day, man. No, I feel horrible.

It's awful, man. I mean, they acted like they'd never seen a man before. They

were treating me just like I was a... Piece of meat?

Yeah.

That's how I felt the first time I stripped at a bachelor party.

But you get over it.

How? Well, when I'm working, I just try to keep my mind on other things.

Like... The crisis in the Middle East or the economy or nuclear proliferation.

Of course, I don't smile a lot when I strip.

You know when I was the most humiliated? When they started stuffing money down

my pants.

You know what's even worse? Making change.

Hey, well, look on the bright side, Roland. I mean, this is the last time

ever be humiliated like this.

Yeah, lucky me.

Well, I guess I should be going. My taxi's probably here by now.

Hey, Bambi, why don't you let us walk you out?

Yeah. Well, that's really sweet. Thanks.

Hey, have you ever done a show before and nobody's tipped you at all? Oh,

Sometimes a whole audience will pull a real stand on you.

Some scene Sophia made at the cemetery.

I know. To throw herself on top of the coffin like that, screaming and yelling.

And then to fall asleep there.

Weird how that guy came up and measured her.

I wonder why Stanley left directions that his will be read the same day as

funeral. I don't know.

Boy, he didn't leave us what we thought he would, did he?

He didn't leave us anything.

And how come he left all his money to some yahoo in Madrid?

Who does he know in Madrid?

Would you two stop it? The man's just pretending to be dead.

I'm the one who should be upset. All he left me in his will is this lousy

friendship ring.

A friendship ring.

And to think, I let the man see me naked.

saying she's really in denial. We better go talk to her. But let's give her a

minute. Stan was like a son to her. She needs time to let go.

Yeah.

Sophia!

Oh, Grace.

The night of the living dead.

Will you get out of here? I am.

My ship leaves in 45 minutes. I just came to say goodbye.

No.

I can't believe you're doing this, Stan.

Do you know the pain you put everyone through today?

I'm not going to go to jail, Sophia.

Maybe they won't put you in prison.

Maybe you can work something out. Why should I take that chance?

Because I love you.

You love me?

Yes, you're a pathetic man, but I love you.

Oh, Ma.

The neck, the neck. I'm sorry.

go, Stan.

If you walk out that door now, you really will be dead.

I'm sorry, Sophia.

I love you too, Ma.

All right, sweetheart.

It's okay.

It's okay. You finally understand, don't you, honey?

Stan is gone.

Yeah.

Stan is gone.