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Thank you for being a friend.
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Travel down the road and back again.
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Your heart is true.
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You're a pal and a confidant.
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Thank you for being a friend. Thank you
for being a friend.
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Finally finished that jigsaw puzzle.
7
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Big deal. It took you six months.
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On the box, it said two to four years.
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The Carlton Hotel called. They have a
problem. They're overbooked tomorrow.
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want to know if we could handle a
bachelor party.
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Yeah, we can do that. We just need to
order some more beer.
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Yeah, we can borrow some dirty videos
from Blanche.
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Be kind. Please rewind.
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And they want us to hire a stripper and
have her pop out of the cake.
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I'll be in charge of that.
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You can handle that?
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Hey, no problem, man. I just need a
table, some whipped cream, some
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and some sparklers.
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Sparklers? For the cake? No, the
auditions.
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I can be keeping Stan's attorney.
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And I still can't imagine why he wants
to come over here to talk to us.
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Well, if I know that cheap ex -son -in
-law of mine, there's only one thing he
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could want. What?
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His toupee bag.
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If the man wants to take me on a fishing
trip, I keep what I catch.
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Why would he send a lawyer?
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I owe him a little money. You owe Stan
money for what?
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Neck job.
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You had your neck done?
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Yeah, I got tired of people saying, my,
what an unusual scarf.
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Now, look, when Stan's attorney gets
here, I'll do the talking. Well, why
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you do the talking?
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I'm not stupid. I know how to talk to a
lawyer.
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Hi, I'm Herb Jenkins, Stan's attorney.
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Oh, yes, my liege.
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I'm representing Mr.
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Zbornak in absentia.
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Absentia? What's Stan doing in Europe?
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Ah, you must be Rose.
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I've been given specific written
directions to find a Blanche Devereaux.
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Gina, I haven't heard that since the
Shriners had that scavenger hunt.
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Well, actually, the reason I'm here is
the last time I saw Stan, he gave me
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instructions to make sure that... Now,
whatever the reason, he better have one
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damn good excuse for not coming here in
person.
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Stan is dead.
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I just
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can't believe... Steve Stan is dead.
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Of a young man like that in the prime of
his life. Yeah.
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Have you ever noticed how as we get
older, the prime keeps moving back?
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I know.
51
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My father was just 85 when he died. A
baby.
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So how are we going to tell Sophia?
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We'll break it to her gently tonight
just before we put her to bed.
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Guess who I just ran into.
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Not Stan. He's dead.
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Time for bed, Sophia.
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What did she say?
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Sophia, Stan is dead.
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Oh.
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00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:10,320
Are you okay, honey?
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I don't know what to say.
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Well, what can you say about a man who's
always been a burden and now is
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finally...
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Man who never lived up to his
responsibilities, who ran out on your
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who never thought of anybody but
himself.
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I'd say I'll miss him.
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Me too.
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00:04:29,890 --> 00:04:33,630
I guess as much as the two of us are
gonna miss him, you'll miss him even
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Sophia. Boy, he was part of my family
for over 40 years.
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So, how did it happen?
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Well, apparently he died while making
love.
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Oh, poor Stan.
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There's nothing worse than dying alone.
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At least we know he
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went quickly.
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Okay, thank you very much. I'll see you
then.
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The stripper is all set.
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And I got a great deal. How much? 100 %
off.
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Stripper? No, no, no. I've had second
thoughts about that.
80
00:05:29,750 --> 00:05:31,690
Yeah, I can't stop thinking about her
either.
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Look, I am hardly a prude, but if a man
loves a woman, why would he want to
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spend the night before he gets married
looking at someone else?
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00:05:41,350 --> 00:05:42,750
Last gasp before the freeway?
84
00:05:46,090 --> 00:05:47,090
I think it's wrong.
85
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Oh, come on, Rose. Everybody needs a
little fantasy now and then to help them
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get through the day.
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When I attract a man, it's because of my
brains.
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Now, you see there?
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They're picking us up for the funeral in
20 minutes.
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00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:19,060
Now, wasn't that something of Stanley,
ordering a limousine for us? I mean, and
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hadn't it put in the will and all?
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Well, he must have really loved us.
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Yeah.
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Gee, I'd love to know what else was in
that will.
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I mean, he must be worth... Oh, a
million, million and a half, easy.
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And he didn't have a friend in the
world.
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you anything i was his favorite well he
was in love with me for years oh he was
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not oh he most certainly was all men are
but bald men especially
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bald men have always found me very
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attractive well i can't tell you how
many times i've looked down and thought
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had three boobs
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All right, you two, that's enough.
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We're talking about a man who died here.
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Sophia's right.
105
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I don't care about Stan's will.
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I just wish he was still here to talk
to.
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Yeah, me too.
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Um, well... We'd better be on our way.
Yeah.
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You coming, Sophia?
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Give me a minute.
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All right, we'll be waiting for you,
hon.
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Okay, Lord, this is the deal.
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Please let Stanley into heaven. Yeah, I
know, I know it'll ruin it for everyone
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else.
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But the truth is, he deserves it. He's
always done his best.
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Hi, it's me, Stan.
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Not now yet, I'm praying.
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Sophia, it's really me.
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You're not haunting me, are you?
120
00:08:11,730 --> 00:08:14,950
No. Are you sure? Because you smell like
you're decomposing.
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I was hiding in the trash bin. No, I
really am alive.
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Oh, Stan.
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How do you like the deck?
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Look at that.
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What a great summer look for you.
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Oh, Sophie, I'm so happy you're taking
this well because I thought you might be
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angry at me for being alive.
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I'm thrilled. My Stanley's alive. Why
should I be angry?
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Because I faked my death. I'm in trouble
with the IRS.
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00:08:43,169 --> 00:08:46,430
You faked your death? Do you know what
I've been going through? Look, I had to
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do this. The IRS court winded some
creative bookkeeping I was doing. I
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have gone to prison.
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I couldn't let that happen. Can you
imagine me confined to some filthy,
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room spending my life with a hundred
other men?
135
00:08:58,650 --> 00:08:59,790
So what are you going to do now?
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00:09:00,030 --> 00:09:02,410
I hired on as a steward on a tramp
steamer.
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00:09:03,810 --> 00:09:05,870
Stan, how could you do this to your
kids?
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I called Kate and Michael and I told
them they know what's going on. I'm not
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heartless, Sophia.
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What about Dorothy? Have you told
Dorothy?
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Sophia, she was my wife for 38 years. Do
you actually think that I could keep
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silent while she mourned my passing?
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She would have turned you in. In a
heartbeat.
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Of course I didn't tell her.
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In another month when things settle
down, I want you to tell her. But I
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leave the country without telling you
the truth.
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They mean a lot to me, Sophia.
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You always have.
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You're not going to get away with this.
They're going to catch you. No, they
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won't. I have planned everything down to
the last detail.
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Where can I get in touch with you?
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I wish I could tell you, but the less
you know, the better.
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Well, I'm off to Madrid.
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Or Rome, or Paris, or Cairo, but
probably not Madrid.
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Not now.
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00:10:03,180 --> 00:10:06,060
Let's go over this checklist again, make
sure we get everything ready for the
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00:10:06,060 --> 00:10:06,819
bachelor party.
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00:10:06,820 --> 00:10:07,820
Okay.
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00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:12,320
Food check, beer check, cigars check,
entertainment.
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00:10:12,660 --> 00:10:14,420
I know, no check, just cash.
161
00:10:16,500 --> 00:10:19,660
Okay, Bambi, Chris and his friend should
be here any minute, so why don't you go
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ahead and go in the kitchen and, you
know, get ready.
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Okay. Okay.
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00:10:23,320 --> 00:10:26,940
I love this job.
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00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:30,800
Can I help you ladies?
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Hope, so sweet cheeks. We're here for my
friend Chris's bachelorette party.
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00:10:39,350 --> 00:10:40,350
You're Chris.
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00:10:41,790 --> 00:10:42,790
Bachelorette party.
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00:10:43,010 --> 00:10:45,410
Yeah, I arranged it on the phone with
someone named Rose. Is there a problem?
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00:10:45,590 --> 00:10:46,910
Yes, but we think it's neurological.
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Why don't you ladies go ahead and get
comfortable, and we're going to go get
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Parcheesi board and get the punch out of
the fridge.
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Tell you what, this is her last night as
a free woman, so why don't you just pop
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00:11:01,210 --> 00:11:04,510
open the Jim Beam, crank up the Rolling
Stones, and drop your pants, butter
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00:11:04,510 --> 00:11:05,510
buns.
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We paid for a stripper, and we want to
see someone shake their booty.
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We're just going to be over there.
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animals chewy they're just some girls
not having some fun
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i'm
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00:11:33,670 --> 00:11:38,090
so very scared i'm not going out there
i'm not going out there look somebody's
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got to get in the cake odds come on come
on two out of three man get
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in the cake butter buns
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00:11:58,190 --> 00:12:00,950
Would you look at the size of this crowd
that showed up for Stan's funeral?
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00:12:01,230 --> 00:12:03,630
Hey, give the people what they want.
They always show up.
185
00:12:04,530 --> 00:12:08,290
Sophia, it's not nice to speak ill of
the dead. Believe me, I'm not.
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00:12:09,810 --> 00:12:12,250
Hello. So nice to see you.
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00:12:13,190 --> 00:12:16,990
Well, Rose, what do you know about that?
A bald man was glad to see me.
188
00:12:21,630 --> 00:12:24,790
Well, I want to thank you all for
coming.
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00:12:25,730 --> 00:12:26,970
Stanley Zbornak.
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00:12:27,340 --> 00:12:29,120
meant a great deal to all of us.
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00:12:29,560 --> 00:12:34,960
But before I bring a few of his friends
up here to honor him, I'd like to show
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00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:41,020
you a few minutes of a videotape that
Stan himself made just weeks before his
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tragic and unexpected death.
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00:12:44,100 --> 00:12:45,100
Lights!
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00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:52,860
Hi, it's me, Ghost Stan.
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00:12:57,800 --> 00:12:58,800
It's regular Stan.
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00:12:59,340 --> 00:13:03,860
And this is just a little something I
put together to show at my own funeral
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00:13:03,860 --> 00:13:09,160
someday. I want to thank you all for
turning out to bid me farewell today.
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00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:14,200
to honor you, I've written a special
poem called What My Friends Mean to Me.
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00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:18,020
My friends sure mean a lot to me.
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00:13:18,340 --> 00:13:20,460
Yes, a lot they mean indeed.
202
00:13:23,700 --> 00:13:25,340
Live from Miami.
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00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:31,400
It's the International McKinney Fest,
where we'll show you more, or should I
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00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:37,280
less, of the latest Blythe's Blythe's.
He taped over it. He taped over his own
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00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:38,320
funeral message.
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00:13:41,460 --> 00:13:48,420
Well, I guess I should screen these
before I... Well, we certainly
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00:13:48,420 --> 00:13:49,740
got the gist.
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00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:56,920
And now I... like to invite some of
Stan's closest friends up here to say a
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00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:57,920
words about him.
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00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:02,000
Attractive, intelligent, sexy.
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00:14:03,100 --> 00:14:06,800
These are just a few of the words Stan
used to describe me.
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00:14:11,940 --> 00:14:18,380
But Stan was a very important part of my
life, as he was to all our lives.
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00:14:21,100 --> 00:14:24,020
I first met Stan when he was a novelty
salesman.
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00:14:24,620 --> 00:14:31,500
And, well, I guess God needed a whoopee
cushion laugh, so he decided to
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00:14:31,500 --> 00:14:33,700
squeeze the air out of Stan.
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00:14:36,780 --> 00:14:38,800
Wake up, Fluffer, wake up!
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00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:42,200
But she never did.
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00:14:43,520 --> 00:14:48,400
Now, I know a half hour is a long time
to spend talking about a dead cat.
219
00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:52,460
Oh, but she was really so... Get to it!
220
00:14:54,140 --> 00:14:58,980
So, speaking of dead cats, how about
this Stanley?
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00:15:00,060 --> 00:15:01,500
What a loss.
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00:15:02,060 --> 00:15:04,980
He was a special man, this Stanley.
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00:15:05,660 --> 00:15:09,340
This marvelous thing called Stanley.
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00:15:19,340 --> 00:15:24,660
of reading to you his epitaph, the
epitaph of a great American.
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00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:32,740
Here lies Stan Zabornak, beloved son,
model citizen, caring
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00:15:32,740 --> 00:15:35,860
father, faithful husband. All right,
that's it.
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00:15:37,580 --> 00:15:41,500
I can't listen to any more of this. Oh,
Mrs. Petrillo, I know you're in pain.
228
00:15:41,900 --> 00:15:46,340
But, of course, it is through pain that
healing comes.
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00:15:46,820 --> 00:15:50,460
He's right, Sophia, honey. You're
suffering right now. But I'm not
230
00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:52,300
I'm telling you, Stan is not dead.
231
00:15:52,540 --> 00:15:57,600
Oh, of course he's not dead, honey, in
our hearts. Yes, so as it is written,
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00:15:57,820 --> 00:16:03,970
he's... shall live on as love in all of
our hearts. He wasn't alive in my heart.
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00:16:04,010 --> 00:16:06,150
He was alive in my kitchen. He spoke to
me in my kitchen.
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00:16:06,450 --> 00:16:12,550
As he shall speak to me in the dell and
in the village where the poor and the
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00:16:12,550 --> 00:16:16,450
rich alike... Look, the man smelled from
garbage. He said he was going to
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Madrid.
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00:16:17,530 --> 00:16:24,390
Uh... Uh, yea, though the elderly may
238
00:16:24,390 --> 00:16:28,800
become feeble and their minds might turn
to cussing... Let go of me.
239
00:16:29,020 --> 00:16:30,960
He's not dead. He's not alive.
240
00:16:31,740 --> 00:16:32,740
Music.
241
00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:35,080
Music.
242
00:16:36,180 --> 00:16:37,180
Oh,
243
00:16:37,460 --> 00:16:38,480
here comes his big finish.
244
00:16:38,820 --> 00:16:39,820
Ah, paper cut.
245
00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:50,940
Really got a hand up to roll, and he's
handling this thing with a lot of
246
00:16:50,940 --> 00:16:51,940
dignity.
247
00:16:52,500 --> 00:16:54,820
Hey, all right, the show's over.
248
00:16:55,260 --> 00:16:56,260
Topaz.
249
00:16:59,069 --> 00:17:01,750
Yeah, man, they gave me a stage name. I
feel so cheap.
250
00:17:02,970 --> 00:17:04,670
Come on, man, I thought you did great.
251
00:17:05,050 --> 00:17:06,990
Those women really got their money's
worth.
252
00:17:07,250 --> 00:17:09,430
You saved the day, man. No, I feel
horrible.
253
00:17:09,790 --> 00:17:13,410
It's awful, man. I mean, they acted like
they'd never seen a man before. They
254
00:17:13,410 --> 00:17:16,569
were treating me just like I was a...
Piece of meat?
255
00:17:17,790 --> 00:17:18,790
Yeah.
256
00:17:19,210 --> 00:17:21,670
That's how I felt the first time I
stripped at a bachelor party.
257
00:17:21,970 --> 00:17:22,970
But you get over it.
258
00:17:23,230 --> 00:17:27,089
How? Well, when I'm working, I just try
to keep my mind on other things.
259
00:17:27,690 --> 00:17:31,260
Like... The crisis in the Middle East or
the economy or nuclear proliferation.
260
00:17:32,820 --> 00:17:34,940
Of course, I don't smile a lot when I
strip.
261
00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:39,180
You know when I was the most humiliated?
When they started stuffing money down
262
00:17:39,180 --> 00:17:40,180
my pants.
263
00:17:41,020 --> 00:17:43,020
You know what's even worse? Making
change.
264
00:17:49,280 --> 00:17:52,900
Hey, well, look on the bright side,
Roland. I mean, this is the last time
265
00:17:52,900 --> 00:17:54,240
ever be humiliated like this.
266
00:17:55,220 --> 00:17:56,720
Yeah, lucky me.
267
00:17:58,980 --> 00:18:02,020
Well, I guess I should be going. My
taxi's probably here by now.
268
00:18:02,500 --> 00:18:05,440
Hey, Bambi, why don't you let us walk
you out?
269
00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:08,260
Yeah. Well, that's really sweet. Thanks.
270
00:18:08,700 --> 00:18:12,200
Hey, have you ever done a show before
and nobody's tipped you at all? Oh,
271
00:18:12,540 --> 00:18:15,320
Sometimes a whole audience will pull a
real stand on you.
272
00:18:26,060 --> 00:18:27,900
Some scene Sophia made at the cemetery.
273
00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:32,680
I know. To throw herself on top of the
coffin like that, screaming and yelling.
274
00:18:33,300 --> 00:18:34,840
And then to fall asleep there.
275
00:18:37,660 --> 00:18:40,000
Weird how that guy came up and measured
her.
276
00:18:48,660 --> 00:18:53,320
I wonder why Stanley left directions
that his will be read the same day as
277
00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:55,060
funeral. I don't know.
278
00:18:56,040 --> 00:18:58,200
Boy, he didn't leave us what we thought
he would, did he?
279
00:18:58,440 --> 00:18:59,500
He didn't leave us anything.
280
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:03,120
And how come he left all his money to
some yahoo in Madrid?
281
00:19:05,900 --> 00:19:07,340
Who does he know in Madrid?
282
00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:11,640
Would you two stop it? The man's just
pretending to be dead.
283
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:15,180
I'm the one who should be upset. All he
left me in his will is this lousy
284
00:19:15,180 --> 00:19:16,139
friendship ring.
285
00:19:16,140 --> 00:19:17,180
A friendship ring.
286
00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:19,360
And to think, I let the man see me
naked.
287
00:19:34,060 --> 00:19:37,740
saying she's really in denial. We better
go talk to her. But let's give her a
288
00:19:37,740 --> 00:19:41,000
minute. Stan was like a son to her. She
needs time to let go.
289
00:19:41,240 --> 00:19:42,240
Yeah.
290
00:19:49,060 --> 00:19:50,060
Sophia!
291
00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:51,720
Oh, Grace.
292
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:53,200
The night of the living dead.
293
00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:57,700
Will you get out of here? I am.
294
00:19:58,240 --> 00:20:00,980
My ship leaves in 45 minutes. I just
came to say goodbye.
295
00:20:01,360 --> 00:20:02,360
No.
296
00:20:02,620 --> 00:20:04,260
I can't believe you're doing this, Stan.
297
00:20:04,540 --> 00:20:06,660
Do you know the pain you put everyone
through today?
298
00:20:06,900 --> 00:20:09,340
I'm not going to go to jail, Sophia.
299
00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:10,940
Maybe they won't put you in prison.
300
00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:14,700
Maybe you can work something out. Why
should I take that chance?
301
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:17,200
Because I love you.
302
00:20:18,620 --> 00:20:19,660
You love me?
303
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:22,060
Yes, you're a pathetic man, but I love
you.
304
00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:25,720
Oh, Ma.
305
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:27,860
The neck, the neck. I'm sorry.
306
00:20:31,500 --> 00:20:32,500
go, Stan.
307
00:20:33,540 --> 00:20:36,140
If you walk out that door now, you
really will be dead.
308
00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:38,820
I'm sorry, Sophia.
309
00:20:42,860 --> 00:20:44,060
I love you too, Ma.
310
00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:01,360
All right, sweetheart.
311
00:21:01,460 --> 00:21:02,379
It's okay.
312
00:21:02,380 --> 00:21:05,360
It's okay. You finally understand, don't
you, honey?
313
00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:06,660
Stan is gone.
314
00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:09,320
Yeah.
315
00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:12,080
Stan is gone.
25626
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