Original subtitles

Travel down the road and back again.

that it took us seven months to come up with this grand reopening party.

Oh, it's got to be such a big weekend for us. Man, I'm going to scrub that

kitchen from top to bottom. It'll be so clean you'll be able to eat off the

kitchen floor.

No, no. I want to sit at a table. I want to sit at a table.

Sorry, Shady Pines flashback.

Hey, I'm not taking any chances. I even got rat poison fraught by the dumpster.

Very nice, very nice. It's good to see everybody just standing around.

We got this news crew coming for this reopening. We got to pull together here,

work as a team.

Well, sign me up. What can I do to help?

Lock yourself in your room till Monday.

Oh, I get it.

Everybody thinks that dumb Rose is going to do something stupid and mess up our

opening. Don't think I don't know what my nickname is around here, and it

hurts. Oh, look, Gilligan has feelings.

What would you say if I told you that I got Gerald Davenport, Florida's most

acclaimed restaurant critic, to come here tomorrow night?

What would you say to little Gilligan then?

Well, I'd say, good work, little buddy.

Oh, no, not Gerald the finer diner Davenport. Well, I didn't catch his

name, but he is a restaurant critic.

Oh, well, it was the finer diner's name of his column.

Davenport, I hate that little runt. He gave me the worst review of my life.

What'd he say?

Well, he said my cooking was banal.

And when I looked it up, boy, was I mad.

Well, I'm sorry, Chewie. I would never have invited the man here if I had

Hey, don't sweat it.

You know, some guys get real macho about these things, but hey, I'm over it. If

he thinks my salads are banal, then my salads are banal. Who cares?

Yeah, you know, I always did think the salads around here were kind of plain.

Oh, could you, man?

I am so sorry the airline lost your bag. We'll send it right up just as soon as

they deliver it. Oh, thank you. I own a chain of travel agencies, and it is so

refreshing to meet someone as bright and on the ball as you are.

And by the way, that's a most interesting brooch.

Amethyst? No, Lutheran.

Of course, the pin has no religious significance.

It's just a little duck.

It's right up those stairs.

Thank you.

I'm really nervous about this food critic coming here. Oh, we all are,

Look at Sophia. She's a basket case.

You know, I'm not so upset now about missing that King Tut exhibit.

Chewy, that negative review was a long time ago.

Good evening.

My name is... Oh,

my gosh!

What a coincidence!

I thought his name was... Hey,

Davenport, it's been a long time.

I still remember your last meal vividly.

Didn't you get that postcard for my colon?

Wish you were here.

Well, I think you'll be very surprised by the meal I have prepared for you

tonight. Does it involve food, or will I be making another run for the border?

Why, that cranky little stuck -up troll.

I think I'm in love with you.

Well, Mr. Davenport, how's that lobster Newberg tonight?

Mr. Davenport?

Hello?

Hello, Mr. Davenport?

Thank you, sir. You're too kind. Well, you enjoy your meal. I'm just going to

back here.

Chewie, what's wrong?

It's Davenport.

He's gone. Gone where?

You know, to a better place.

Where? The fountain blew.

He's trying to tell you the guy is dead, you moron.

Dead? How can that be? He was fine five minutes ago.

Look, I took his pulse. It's not too tough to count up to zero.

Why is it all the cute guys are either married or dead?

We can't let this ruin the grand opening for the other guests.

We've got to get the body out of there before someone notices it.

Sophia, you create a diversion for the other guests. Like what?

I don't know.

Tell them there are topless volleyball players on the beach. Got it.

Honey, you sure you've got it? Yeah, yeah, I got it. Topless volleyball

Hey, look, out on the beach, a dead body.

Mr. Davenport, are you all right?

He's dead.

Oh! Oh, my God!

Oh, man!

I didn't want to touch a dead guy. I don't want to touch the unliving.

Get a hold of yourself, Roland.

Yeah, but it's a dead dude, and he's touching our stuff.

A man has died here. Now, I think we should have a moment of silence to honor

our fellow human being.

Yeah. Don't you? Yeah.

A table has just opened in the dining room.

Well, at least I never caught your food banal again.

Hey, look, I want you to really know I had nothing to do with this.

There's nothing wrong with my lobster Newberg. I make it the way I always make

it. Look, look.

Cream, sherry, rat poison.

Oh, my God.

It was a mistake. It looks just like cornstarch.

Oh, my God, I killed a man.

I killed Davenport.

I must have subconsciously wanted him dead. No, Chewie, look, don't jump to

conclusions, all right? Now, this is a very old man.

Look, I know somebody at the coroner's office. I'm just going to run upstairs

and call him. Maybe we can keep this thing quiet.

And I better tell Blanche.

Boy, it's sad.

You work hard all your life, and for what?

It's times like this that make you stop.

Wow, nice Rolex.

Here's another of our owners, Rose Nyland. Rose, this is the Channel 3 News

here to cover our reopening.

Now, Rose here was single -handedly responsible for getting that highly

acclaimed restaurant critic, Mr. Gerald Davenport, here to the hotel.

Impressive. Oh, it was nothing really. Don't mention it.

Please, don't mention it.

She's just being modest.

Hey, I don't see Mr. Gerald Davenport around anywhere. Did he like his food?

Two bites and he was in heaven.

Well, if you'll follow me to the kitchen, I'll introduce you to our chef,

Castillos. Give me two seconds to straighten up.

And this is our kitchen,

where our chef, Chewy, prepares his culinary surprises.

In the seven months we've been here,

there's been only one complaint.

Well, As investigative reporters, I'm sure you wouldn't want to miss the tacky

makeshift living quarters we have for our Latino employees in the back.

Dead?

You mean he dropped dead just like that?

Lord, why does everything happen to me?

Now we've got a corpse in the freezer, a camera crew snooping around the hotel.

And a travel agent whose bad recommendation could just ruin our

next? Al Tucker, health inspector.

It's time for your quarterly inspection. You know, check the refrigerators,

freezers.

Rose, did you hear that?

Health inspector wants to check the freezer.

I'm way ahead of you.

Can I get you something before we begin, Mr. Tucker? A coffee, tea?

No, thanks. I just need to check your walk -in. Oh, well, I'm not at all

surprised. If there's one thing men like to check, it's my walk -in.

Not to mention my talk -in.

And my love -in.

I meant your walk -in freezer. Well, I know what you meant, but I can't let you

do that.

Well, you're going to have to, or I'll be forced to write up a violation and

close down the restaurant.

Oh, now, Mr. Tucker, please don't put me in this position.

And that's not something you'll hear Blanche say every day.

Well, I guess I could start with the refrigerator.

Oh, why don't you just get yourself a nice glass of fresh orange juice?

You know, it's so nice how fresh juice tastes so sensual without being caloric.

Yeah, like bananas.

A healthy romp through the world of fruit without the hangover of candy

How about a cheese ball?

What are you talking about?

Mister, I'm going to level with you. I'm a lusty woman. A lusty, busty, zesty

cowgirl that likes to ride all night.

Oh, there you are.

We couldn't find the workers' huts, and your cook just took off somewhere. Is

there something going on at this hotel?

Well, I'm probably not supposed to tell you this, but Salman Rushdie is in 205.

And he's with Joan Van Aar. Of Knott's Landies? Yes!

Oh, I see the airlines have dropped off my luggage.

Roland, would you please take this up to my room?

That'd be my pleasure, sir. Thank you.

Don't have any cash on me right now? Tip you later. Don't worry about it. No

problem at all.

Why do I always have to carry the stiffs?

I lost it. I lost the suitcase.

What? Oh, no.

Well, we've got the media room in the hotel, a health inspector in the

Now you tell me you lost the body rolls.

That's terrible. What are we going to do?

Well, you know, maybe we should just try to have fun with this.

Mr.

Mitchelson? Oh, look, I can't do this. Hey, hey, we gotta get that suitcase

back. Listen, ever since I was a kid, I've had this thing about death, okay? I

can't take it.

People, animals, insects.

Once, when I was five, my pet hamster, Marvin, got out of... Roland, Roland, as

much as we love a good childhood story, honey... Stay with it for your shrink

cycle. We've got work to do.

Oh, he's in the shower. Oh, that's perfect. You know how men are. They just

forever lathering up their strong, well -muscled arms and letting the soap

run in rivulets down over the washboard ripples of their tight talk.

Now, Flash.

I'm back. I'm back.

What? Well, we can't go wandering around the hotel with a dead man.

Well, let's wrap him in a blanket. Blanket?

Good. Oh, here's one.

Oh, man, this is so nasty. This is nasty, nasty, nasty, nasty.

Here, here.

Oh, it's on me. It's on me.

Don't you blame me now. It's Rose's fault.

What do you mean my fault? You're the one that invited Davenport to the hotel.

It's still on me. It's still on me. Now, look, I have it with you. I don't like

this either, but after all, there are times in your life when you just have

to... Your face.

Wait. Your fear.

No, wait.

There's someone out there.

Oh, Lord.

Say, I'm delivering some room service.

What? Oh, come on now. Isn't that what you've been after all along?

I mean, oh, my, isn't that an interesting brooch?

Please, I don't have to have a house fall on me.

Then again, who does?

Does that wonderful sense of humor?

Oh, your hand is so smooth.

And cold.

Here, let me warm it up for you.

Hey, nice Rolex.

You know what really turns me on? What? What?

A man with blow -dried hair.

Really? Oh, yes.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Don't move.

Good job, Rose. I could hug you, but you smell like dead.

Come here.

You're right.

This way.

Oh,

there you are.

And I'll always shoot.

Sorry.

Well, we better get you out of here. We have a lot of work to do and a lot of

things to find.

Yeah, everything's on the up and up here at the Golden Palace. We have nothing

to hide.

Okay.

We're going to need a diversion for the guests.

Don't worry. This time I got it.

Topless volleyball players out on the beach.

Hey, everyone, look.

Dead volleyball player in the blanket.

got to rest.

I was a lot younger when I used to do this back in Sicily.

God, nothing walked away.

What happened

to you? I not only blow dried my hair, I put in mousse.

Why'd you take my blanket?

What's going on?

I don't know, and I'm as shocked as you are.

Listen,

I think it's time we told the truth. Rose, what are you doing? No, Blanche,

can't live this lie any longer.

This man here is drunk.

High -eyed, souse, wasted.

Practically embalmed.

You're doing better without me, weren't you?

Now, you all know this man as noted restaurant critic Gerald Davenport, but

local bartenders, he's pure profit. That's true. He drinks like a fish.

Yeah, and when he's drunk, he thinks everything tastes banal.

Well, this is horrible.

Well, not entirely, because it gives us here at the Golden Palace a chance to

implement our new designated driver program.

From now on, any of our restaurant patrons who's had too much will be

escorted home.

Excuse me, Mr.

Davenport, sir. Do you think you could drive yourself home tonight?

That's the first step in admitting you need help.

That's so true.

What's that?

You want me to keep your Rolex for safekeeping?

Ann.

Julie, where have you been?

I'll walk in the beach thinking.

I mean, I may have killed a man. Hey, look, this has touched all of us.

And some of us are hoping that we're going to be able to scrub it the hell

Everybody, everybody, good news.

According to the coroner's report, Mr. Davenport died of a massive coronary.

All right!

So Chewy didn't kill anybody.

They tested the food. There was not a trace of rat poison whatsoever.

That's wonderful, wonderful.

It looks like everything ended up working out okay. Oh, I'll say it did.

because of our designated driver program, Mr. Mitchelson said he's going

recommend our hotel to all his travel agents. And the health inspector said

we passed with flying colors. I guess everybody got something out of this.

You're telling me.

Ask me what time it is. Ask me what time it is.

Jane Stern needs to take emergency action. I'm going to be an EMT.

Kathy Bates, Ambulance Girl, premieres at 9, Monday night, September 12th.

Well, this all worked out pretty good.

Yeah, I'd say all in all, it turned out to be a pretty good day.

Whee!

All right, Sophia, that's enough.